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trying to respect my husband as spiritual leader - 9/16/2008 1:17:57 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Hello
I have been married since 2004 to a wonderful believer.
I moved from NJ to Pa when we married, and was glad he already belonged to a Bible-believing church. But I have never felt "at home" at the church. The preacher is wonderful, the people are kind and I have no quarrel at all with the doctrine. I just never felt "at home" there.
At first I thought it was my fault because I have been homesick for all the other things I left behind (friends, job, apartment, etc) and I even taught Sunday school and was really blessed. But I still feel that way.
A few weeks ago I began attending a Christian weight loss group. One of the ladies asked me to check out her church and I did. It is wonderful, and feels like "home". My son went last week and loves it.
I decided that, before I get further involved I wanted to ask my husband how he feels about us attending that church. He said he understands my feelings but is uncomfortable about it. He has no desire to check out the other church; he is happy with his church. He also says that if we were to attend the other church, he'd be worried people would think he's not doing his "job" as spiritual leader.
My husband has been feeling powerless, since his disability has caused him to have less and less involvement in family activities and he has been less and less able to attend church. This is one reason why I thought he might be OK with our attending another church. After all, since I only joined that church because he belongs to it, why should I go if he doesn't attend it?
Anyway, I asked him to pray about it and he said he'll pray and let us know on Saturday.
I am asking for prayer that God will lead him to the decision that God wants. And also, that if my husband continues to feel that we should attend "his" church, that I will be able to do so without letting him see how upset I am. I ask that God will help me not to feel resentment, and even that if I must stay at my husband's church he would allow me to grow to feel that it is "home"
Thanks for your prayers. Any advice is welcome
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I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: trying to respect my husband as spiritual leader - 9/16/2008 1:53:45 PM
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restinginHim
Posts: 432
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quote:
I am asking for prayer that God will lead him to the decision that God wants. And also, that if my husband continues to feel that we should attend "his" church, that I will be able to do so without letting him see how upset I am. I ask that God will help me not to feel resentment, and even that if I must stay at my husband's church he would allow me to grow to feel that it is "home" Amen.
_____________________________
"As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love." John 15:9
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RE: trying to respect my husband as spiritual leader - 9/16/2008 6:26:53 PM
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truthrevealed
Posts: 329
Joined: 12/6/2007
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Is there something wrong with you attending different churches?
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RE: trying to respect my husband as spiritual leader - 9/16/2008 10:45:05 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I am asking my husband if we can do that, but during our initial discussion he said he felt it was wrong. He said that people would think he isn't doing his job as the spiritual head of the household if his wife won't attend his church.
I wouldn't mind it so much if he was able to attend church, but his disability often prevents him from feeling well enough to attend. I think part of his thinking is that there is little power he now has, due to his disability and very little that he has control over or the ability to make decisions about. He wouldn't make this decision just to feel powerful, and he loves me enough that he wouldn't want to hurt me or our little guy just to be "in charge".
I have put this in God's hands and I have to trust my husband to let God lead through Him. If my husband says he really wants us to stay at his church, then that is what I will do. To be honest, I expect him to say this.
So, I guess that as much as I want to attend the other church, I don't think it can happen so I am asking for prayer that God will change my attitude and help me do the right thing and honor my husband's decision with a joyful heart.
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: trying to respect my husband as spiritual leader - 9/17/2008 3:25:06 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1615
Joined: 5/27/2006
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quote:
He said that people would think he isn't doing his job as the spiritual head of the household if his wife won't attend his church.
Huh? Is that what it means to be the spiritual head? Pick the family church?
I thought it was about seeking the Lord with all your heart, praying for your family's well-being and spiritual progress every day, teaching your family to follow God by precept and example on a daily basis. If God cares about that which concerns us, and your husband is to love you as Christ loves the church, then is he not also to take your concerns to heart?
I hope he really seeks God with his whole heart on this issue, and not just make a flippant decision based on what other people will think of him. The fear of man is a snare, and one the wise avoid.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: trying to respect my husband as spiritual leader - 9/17/2008 7:59:19 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I am not saying I agree with him, just how he feels.
If he feels this strongly about it, I feel as though I need to respect his decision. I don't think he'll make a decision just to puff himself up.
Either way, it will be a tough thing. If I go to the other church, it will be hard for him. If I go to his church, it will be hard for me. Either way, God can help us.
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: trying to respect my husband as spiritual leader - 9/21/2008 7:08:57 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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My hubby told me last night that he really prefers that we go to his church. I suspected he would say this, and I agreed without argument. It was hard, and it's not going to be easy to go to his church without complaining. But, for whatever reason, I believe this is what God is asking of me for today.
Please say a prayer that God will change my heart and help me learn to love this church.
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: trying to respect my husband as spiritual leader - 9/21/2008 7:39:50 AM
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Wild-Rose
Posts: 412
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Upstate NY
Status: online
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quote:
quote:
He said that people would think he isn't doing his job as the spiritual head of the household if his wife won't attend his church.
Huh? Is that what it means to be the spiritual head? Pick the family church?
This is not leading. This is following. He is worried about what other people think.
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Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: trying to respect my husband as spiritual leader - 9/22/2008 10:37:23 AM
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restinginHim
Posts: 432
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: forgiven4ever.. But, for whatever reason, I believe this is what God is asking of me for today... Please say a prayer that God will change my heart and help me learn to love this church.
forgiven4ever, i understand what you are doing is difficult. I think it is wonderful that you sought God and are willing to do what He is asking of you to do. I will also pray, though, that your husband, if he has not done so already, seeks and complies with GOD's will in this situation and not his own will. May your family be blessed and may the peace of Jesus the Messiah be with you.
_____________________________
"As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love." John 15:9
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RE: trying to respect my husband as spiritual leader - 9/22/2008 11:11:59 AM
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GroupW
Posts: 2913
Joined: 11/16/2007
From: Up in the hills of Colorado (very BIG hills...)
Status: offline
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As a married guy, I think I would be upset with my wife if she allowed me to take the easy way out here. Like a prior poster mentioned, the wise man doesn't let his fear make his decisions for him. The wise woman doesn't always meekly accept such decisions without some questioning.
I think it's perfectly appropriate to continue the discussion. Is there a compromise? Is there a reason you can't go to a different church on the days he's unable to attend his church? Ephesians 5 asks that Christians submit to each other. This isn't bounded by gender. We're supposed to work together to find solutions. Women are supposed to put their husbands needs first (as you are, and that's good) but husbands are also supposed to do the same thing. After all, what is love if it's not putting the needs of your partner first?
That's the first part of the advice. Here comes the second.
Moving is really, really hard. I've made 5 cross country moves in 15 years and am probably looking at #6 very soon. Our rule of thumb is that it takes at least 3 years to start feeling at home in a new location. On the one hand, I think it's appropriate to keep having that discussion. Your husband won't like it - it's uncomfortable, it involves change, and it's sacrifice. Things we guys don't tolerate very well. On the other, it's not unreasonable to expect that in the coming months your comfort level in your church may start to increase. Moves are like that.
It takes tremendous wisdom to know when to make a change and when to hang in there after a move.
We went through this same issue a 2 years ago. The church we were in wasn't a good fit for my wife. For a time, I argued that we should stick it out, knowing that over time things in a new location do indeed change for the better. My wife argued that it just wasn't going to work, period. We hashed it out between the two of us for almost a year. It finally became clear that we did actually need to make a change.
Thanks to my wife for sticking with her opinion. We now find ourselves in a wonderful little church that we affectionately call "Mayberry" because it's a little island of small town peace in a big city. We'd still be sitting in a lukewarm church just getting by if she hadn't had the courage to keep the discussion going.
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“For every problem, there is a solution that is simple, elegant and wrong.” -H.L. Mencken
"Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so." -Bertrand Russell
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