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single men - 12/2/2008 9:54:39 PM
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admiralnasmith
Posts: 30
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Hey
weird question but I am looking for as many opinions as possible
I am single, a man, and looking for positions to serve Christ in. While I do greatly desire a wife,there are simply no available I want to reach out to hurting youth and children and help lead them to Christ. While people support this, they get very uncomfortable with me being single. It gets weird, but it seems like people would prefer me to be married, but do not want me in a relationship with anyone. The two options seem to be either married or neutered.
Looking at what is going on in the Christian community it seems like there are two movements. One is led by Albert Moehler and seems to be shouting marry and marry now. If you are not actively seeking your wife, you are renouncing your man role. The other seems to say that if you desire marriage and our actively seeking it, then you are not trusting God to provide you a wife.
Where do you all stand? Where should I stand? What do I do?
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RE: single men - 12/3/2008 2:30:05 AM
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tomhillbilly
Posts: 233
Joined: 3/18/2008
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fantastic post and questions my friend.
ive always felt like sort of an outcast for not being married, people seem to wonder and think 'whats wrong with HIM'.? Dont let this uduly influence you into rushing into anything. Marriage is a life long commitment, so the best advice i could give would be patience.
As far as renouncing your man role, personally i dont believe being married or single makes you more or less of a man. The only time i can recall from the bible where someone had a specific person created just for them was adam and eve. Personally i do not hold to either movement you described in the christian movement about marriage.
I just dont see God as a matchmaker. The best proof i can provide is that i have heard alot of christians talk about God sending them that 'one special perfect person', while at the same time hearing about all the failed marriages among christians. It just doesnt add up.
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RE: single men - 12/3/2008 10:47:59 AM
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lightbeamrider
Posts: 138
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Yeah one wonders if Paul would make the grade in many Christian communities. Am sure much of what he had to say in regards to marriage would go over like a lead balloon. The fact Paul was unmarried would be a strike against him. Many in the church community are married family types and like attracts like is my impression. People are not overly friendly with me but i know my financial contribution is always welcome.
There are plenty of Christian females out there, at least in my community. As i understand it Paul had an occupation which provided him with financial support apart from his duties as an Apostle. That is when he was not locked up or avoiding the mobs. If you are seeking a career in some sort of Christian ministry then all indications are not good. Many have minister license and have given up. There are many drawbacks. Many have went on to other careers which paid the bills. If u don't mind soliciting for funds all the time then perhaps that is the way to go. Does not sound one bit appealing to me nor did it to Paul. In order to be husband material one must have a solid career going which pays the bills. It is normal to desire a wife but what u got to offer?
Many say they are called of God into the ministry and have a desire to help others. That is all fine as long as u do not have to make a living doing it. That is not just my opinion I have asked Ministers and that is the general response i receive from them who are in it up to their necks. We have Christian Ministries in my town which deals with the homeless and many despise these ministries because they are viewed as dumping grounds for homeless from other areas who have no shelters. If u have no homeless shelters the homeless go else where. If u have homeless shelters the homeless come from all over as they make the circuit from shelter to shelter. City to city. Many simply do not want to work. Others are so into debt as far as child support that if they got a job they would not have enough left over to live on. Others are addicted to drugs and alcohol. Others have mental problems. These ministries have to deal with these problems from within and a lot of contempt from without. Homeless shelters are tolerated in my community. They are not welcome. Many come from other areas find a foot hold via homeless shelters and end up filling up our jail cells and prisons. That is a fact. So think hard and do plenty of research before u make any decisions.
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RE: single men - 12/3/2008 9:12:27 PM
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admiralnasmith
Posts: 30
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I guess the point of this is that I want to know what your opinion of single men in ministry is?
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RE: single men - 12/3/2008 9:50:32 PM
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jn1010lf
Posts: 351
Joined: 4/20/2005
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Hello admiralnasmith
Let me ask you first what you see to be God's viewpoint on marriage? Are you not aware of the fact that God saw Adam in the beginning and said that it wasn't good for him to be alone with no helpmate? Somewhere in Proverbs it says that a man does a good thing when he finds a wife.
You didn't give your age but I presume you are at least in your twenties. And yes, it is a little weird to see a single man in ministry.
You must understand that people ask themselves, at least, privately when they see a single man, "Is he gay?"
I would truthfully recommmend that you think long and hard about working with kids and youth if marriage is not in your possibilities. You may not see my reason for this but it must be addressed.
Now I have met a few people, in my 71 years of life, that are not gay but seem to have no interest in marriage, a relationship or even sex for that matter. It's like they are neutral. They're good people but just don't nave much of a flair for things sexaul, gay, hetero or other.
You may think I'm coming down hard on you but I'm just voicing how people react to people that are single for a long number of years. I have a friend from high school that never married. I'm told that he just never found anyone he felt he could love.
I really think that you should get close to God and ask Him about it. What does he want for you? He created you, so He would know what to say better than any human.
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RE: single men - 12/3/2008 10:37:34 PM
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colliefan
Posts: 3002
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Raleigh, NC
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The issue is that many churches take Paul's statement "a leader must husband of one wife" literally and therefore exclude single men - no matter their spiritual maturity - from any leadership position in the church.
You need to be content with your calling and then find a church where you can work out that calling. If God provides a help-meet to assist you in that calling all the better.
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RE: single men - 12/4/2008 6:12:38 AM
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admiralnasmith
Posts: 30
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Here is my problem
I fully reconigize that God wants me to get married. I also realize that the two relationships I have had I did not do my job as a man. For a long time now I have lived in areas where there are just no women. I do feel that God has called me to work with troubled youth. But it is like people don't make their mind. They would perfer me to be married, but6at the same time if I make any effort to marry they say that I am not trusting God
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RE: single men - 12/4/2008 9:49:32 AM
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small_creation
Posts: 356
Joined: 10/30/2007
From: midwest
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I am sure you've thought of this before, but do you suppose that many people are uncomfortable with you working with children, as a single man with little feminine influence, is that you could have other-than noble purposes in mind -- like molesting the kids? Not a pretty thought, but people's minds do wander, especially in a world where every top story on the TV, papers & 'net is centered around people behaving despicably.
Christ told men to treat their wives like they treat the church. IMO, it seems you're perfecting your work in the church before you tread the other waters.
Carry on and be fruitful!
j
_____________________________
Pay no mind to me. I'm just a small town hick in fly-over country.
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RE: single men - 12/4/2008 10:11:19 AM
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flemdawg1
Posts: 13
Joined: 5/29/2008
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I'm sorry to here of your plight. I was recently on a search committee for a new youth pastor for our church. One of the qualifications we looked for was that the candidate was married. Quite frankly as a dad, I don't think I could trust a single guy to spend lots of unsupervised time with my daughters.
Maybe your calling to help troubled youth might be applied as a youth counselor (ie high school guidance counselor) or social worker.
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RE: single men - 12/4/2008 10:59:30 AM
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kernsfamily
Posts: 1428
Joined: 4/26/2006
From: Dallas (originally Detroit)
Status: offline
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quote:
I am sure you've thought of this before, but do you suppose that many people are uncomfortable with you working with children, as a single man with little feminine influence, is that you could have other-than noble purposes in mind -- like molesting the kids? Not a pretty thought, but people's minds do wander, especially in a world where every top story on the TV, papers & 'net is centered around people behaving despicably.
AS if no married man has EVER done anything like that!
as someone who didn't marry until 28...I know how you feel....especially in church....all because you just haven't found the ONE PERSON "meant for you" as soon in life as most other people did!....
quote:
Now I have met a few people, in my 71 years of life, that are not gay but seem to have no interest in marriage, a relationship or even sex for that matter. It's like they are neutral. They're good people but just don't nave much of a flair for things sexaul, gay, hetero or other.
It's not uncommon for someone who IS "gay" to be married....as a way to HIDE who he/she really is, as well, and the whole "marriage" thing is just a cover up.......it goes both ways
Look hard enough (especially where you are at).....and you just might find someone who can overlook the fact that you just haven't found someone to marry, yet.....and, appreciate the fact that you're working on "God's timing" for you finding a wife, and NOT man's timing....
I'll ask around this weekend at our church....within in our children's and youth dept....we have a number of "younger" men & women serving diligently in minister roles.....I wonder if THEY are "married"....they seem awfully young! (as bad as it may sound...churches DO seem to be more "tolerant" of unmarried women, than of unmarried men....talk about hypocrisy!)
I mean....what are you supposed to do? Get married to just anyone after a particular age....in order to "prove" your "manliness"????
_____________________________
Proud dad of 3 great girls....Erin, Emilie and Elise
Blessed to have all of them in a "totally awesome" public elementary school!
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RE: single men - 12/4/2008 11:46:27 AM
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PastorPatricia
Posts: 206
Joined: 8/6/2005
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I certainly have no problem with a single man in ministry. We are electing a new Bishop this week and one of the candidate is a man in his 60s that has never married. After all Paul wasn't married. I would suggest to both married and unmarried men or women protect themselves against accusations of abuse. Never put yourself in a position that you are alone with a child or a member of the opposite sex. It's a sad statement of our times that we have to do this but better safe than sorry.
_____________________________
But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you. Is. 12:24
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RE: single men - 12/4/2008 1:44:13 PM
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small_creation
Posts: 356
Joined: 10/30/2007
From: midwest
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kernsfamily
quote:
I am sure you've thought of this before, but do you suppose that many people are uncomfortable with you working with children, as a single man with little feminine influence, is that you could have other-than noble purposes in mind -- like molesting the kids? Not a pretty thought, but people's minds do wander, especially in a world where every top story on the TV, papers & 'net is centered around people behaving despicably.
AS if no married man has EVER done anything like that!
I didn't say it was a rational suspicion -- but one that I suspect exists to a larger degree towards the single man than the married one.
j
_____________________________
Pay no mind to me. I'm just a small town hick in fly-over country.
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RE: single men - 12/4/2008 1:56:24 PM
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rcjames
Posts: 5782
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Oklahoma
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I have not experienced the prdeudice against single men in my ministry. I have used a number of them for youth, music, etc. and they are accepted as well as the married folk.
Of course I vett both singles and married as if they were potential Zodiak killers; of which they are.
Thanks
RC
_____________________________
Just a country Preacher's humble opinion
Read the first chapter of my latest book here;
http://www.deliveranceofsara.com
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RE: single men - 12/4/2008 11:43:03 PM
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admiralnasmith
Posts: 30
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I think that my main problem is that I feel forced to serve two polar opposites. If I express an interest in marriage, thenI am told that I am not trusting God. If I do not,thenIam gay or a child molester. Or just immature.
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RE: single men - 12/5/2008 12:26:36 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3273
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quote:
I think that my main problem is that I feel forced to serve two polar opposites. If I express an interest in marriage, thenI am told that I am not trusting God. If I do not,thenIam gay or a child molester. Or just immature.
I can relate to that. If I ever express a need to be with someone, everyone jumps at me saying I'd not allowing the Spirit to lead me. But I learned to ignore it, because that's not how i believe God and faith works. Also, every time a single woman befriends a man, everyone automatically assumes she's after him which is never the case with me. It's hard. You can't win. But it must be harder for you because you have a desire to serve with children and you're single. What I can say is that there is nothing wrong with seeking a spouse. It's not a worldy desire. God created men and women to desire that intimacy (and I dont' mean just physica) with one another. I can also understand the caution that people are taking when it comes to allowing a single man to get close to their kids. I guess what you can do is to try to earn people's trust. Consistently show people that you believe that this is God's ministry for you. Trust isn't the easiest to give especially when it involves children. Hopefully, in due time, they'll see that you're for real.
And stay away from people that tells you you don't trust GOd because you're seeking a spouse. Hmmm...I wonder if you can tell people they don't trust God because they're seeking a job. Some beliefs are not rooted in truth.
_____________________________
Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: single men - 12/5/2008 6:16:11 AM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12079
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
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quote:
And stay away from people that tells you you don't trust GOd because you're seeking a spouse. Hmmm...I wonder if you can tell people they don't trust God because they're seeking a job. Some beliefs are not rooted in truth.
(sounds like a topic of a new thread.......hint, hint, hint)
Personally, I have no problems with single men being in ministry - a friend of mine is never-married at 48 and is a deacon in his church (a Southern Baptist one, no less) and is in charge of the Singles group. It can be done.
Sorry you're going through what you are in your area.
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: single men - 12/5/2008 6:23:55 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 4166
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: offline
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I have a good friend (since kindergarten) who is the same age as me - 53 - single and has been the senior pastor of several congregations. (denominational rules keeps moving him around)
While I do not see this as fitting the biblical "husband of one wife" rule, God has certainly graced him in his ministry.
_____________________________
Avatar is DW holding Saphira at her first birthday party and myself holding Louvena at 30 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: single men - 12/5/2008 8:29:03 AM
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rcjames
Posts: 5782
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Oklahoma
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quote:
ORIGINAL: admiralnasmith
I think that my main problem is that I feel forced to serve two polar opposites. If I express an interest in marriage, thenI am told that I am not trusting God. If I do not,thenIam gay or a child molester. Or just immature.
Well here's your sign; stop listening to people!
Thanks
RC
_____________________________
Just a country Preacher's humble opinion
Read the first chapter of my latest book here;
http://www.deliveranceofsara.com
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RE: single men - 12/5/2008 8:46:38 AM
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Consecrated2God
Posts: 5151
Joined: 4/4/2005
From: Formerly Jesus Land
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: small_creation
I am sure you've thought of this before, but do you suppose that many people are uncomfortable with you working with children, as a single man with little feminine influence, is that you could have other-than noble purposes in mind -- like molesting the kids? Not a pretty thought, but people's minds do wander, especially in a world where every top story on the TV, papers & 'net is centered around people behaving despicably.
Christ told men to treat their wives like they treat the church. IMO, it seems you're perfecting your work in the church before you tread the other waters.
Carry on and be fruitful!
j
I agree with this. People are pretty careful about putting men with children without a woman there. In a lot of church nurseries especially they have policies against having only a man in the room with the children. They want two women, or a woman and a man, but not only men. Men are also not allowed to change diapers. This policy was in place in the last two churches I was in.
_____________________________
Bonky
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RE: single men - 12/5/2008 9:16:48 AM
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kernsfamily
Posts: 1428
Joined: 4/26/2006
From: Dallas (originally Detroit)
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Consecrated2God
quote:
ORIGINAL: small_creation
I am sure you've thought of this before, but do you suppose that many people are uncomfortable with you working with children, as a single man with little feminine influence, is that you could have other-than noble purposes in mind -- like molesting the kids? Not a pretty thought, but people's minds do wander, especially in a world where every top story on the TV, papers & 'net is centered around people behaving despicably.
Christ told men to treat their wives like they treat the church. IMO, it seems you're perfecting your work in the church before you tread the other waters.
Carry on and be fruitful!
j
I agree with this. People are pretty careful about putting men with children without a woman there. In a lot of church nurseries especially they have policies against having only a man in the room with the children. They want two women, or a woman and a man, but not only men. Men are also not allowed to change diapers. This policy was in place in the last two churches I was in.
we have a TWO PERSON rule....(regardless of what gender those TWO PEOPLE happen to be)....
as far as changing diapers.....the rule is, the "parent/church member volunteers" that come in and help in the nursery for an hour or so on Sundays, were NOT to change diapers, only someone who was "paid nursery ministry staff" was supposed to (and each nursery room had at least one "paid staff" person in it).....the "paid staff people" certainly have a higher level of trust with everyone....and were more "accountable".....
_____________________________
Proud dad of 3 great girls....Erin, Emilie and Elise
Blessed to have all of them in a "totally awesome" public elementary school!
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RE: single men - 12/5/2008 9:30:18 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4479
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: admiralnasmith
While I do greatly desire a wife,there are simply no available I want to reach out to hurting youth and children and help lead them to Christ. While people support this, they get very uncomfortable with me being single.
how are you going about this? if your church has a youth group, have you spoken to the youth pastor about volunteering? or are you trying to talk to teens after church and invite them out to lunch or something. or are you trying to start a new ministry geared toward youth and children?
_____________________________
Photoblogging My Life
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RE: single men - 12/5/2008 10:09:05 AM
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Consecrated2God
Posts: 5151
Joined: 4/4/2005
From: Formerly Jesus Land
Status: offline
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quote:
we have a TWO PERSON rule....(regardless of what gender those TWO PEOPLE happen to be)....
The churches I've been in wouldn't want two men working in the nursery. They want a woman there, too.
_____________________________
Bonky
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RE: single men - 12/5/2008 10:57:47 AM
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kernsfamily
Posts: 1428
Joined: 4/26/2006
From: Dallas (originally Detroit)
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Consecrated2God
quote:
we have a TWO PERSON rule....(regardless of what gender those TWO PEOPLE happen to be)....
The churches I've been in wouldn't want two men working in the nursery. They want a woman there, too.
Not sure...but, I dont' think that's something that we've had to even worry about.....because, if there are at least two parent volunteers (usually there are more...depending on the age of the kids), along with one paid staff worker in each room, like there is now at our church....odds are, at least ONE of those people are gonna be a woman.....
_____________________________
Proud dad of 3 great girls....Erin, Emilie and Elise
Blessed to have all of them in a "totally awesome" public elementary school!
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RE: single men - 12/5/2008 11:00:47 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3273
Status: offline
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You know, there's a forum member who is a regular poster inthe Singles and Games forum who works a lot with children, in and out of the church. Maybe you can ask him for some input in your situation. I think he's single as well (not sure if he's got a girlfriend though). His name is SamsonUSA. I'm sure he wouldn't mind giving you some advice. He loves children.
_____________________________
Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: single men - 12/5/2008 12:09:17 PM
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DaveW
Posts: 4166
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Consecrated2God
I agree with this. People are pretty careful about putting men with children without a woman there. In a lot of church nurseries especially they have policies against having only a man in the room with the children. They want two women, or a woman and a man, but not only men. Men are also not allowed to change diapers. This policy was in place in the last two churches I was in. Interesting.
The congregation I attended in college had men doing everything. The only places where women served in the greater congregation was in the choir and music team and one church secretary typist.
Cooking for dinners or picnics - all men
Child care of all ages - all men
Usually the childcare including infant nursery was single college age men. That included changing the diapers.
_____________________________
Avatar is DW holding Saphira at her first birthday party and myself holding Louvena at 30 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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