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need advice please - 2/28/2008 10:35:23 PM
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zoeagape
Posts: 8
Joined: 2/28/2008
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hi everyone,
over the past couple of years several events between my pastors (who are my in-laws), my parents (who attend the same church) and myself have led to me feeling resentful against my pastors/inlaws. i wish i didn't feel this way and instead i wish i had a good relationship, but that's not the case.
on the outside we get along, we have civil and often nice conversations. but the problem is that they have never gotten along with my parents and i've been aware of the way they've treated them and have kept that bottled up for too long. also, a couple of months before my husband and i married i discovered that his mom (the pastor's wife) was committing adultery. she doesn't know i know this, but i found out from my mom who called her out on it in private (which may explain why they don't get along). my mom put her on speakerphone so that i could hear their conversation...yes i know, probably not the wisest thing for my mom to do, but i think she wanted me to understand where her anger and dislike stemmed from, that they weren't just contrived.
needless to say this really impacted me. i did not tell my husband because i was afraid what it might do to him, and i don't think the pastor ever found out, he might have suspected it because he went through deep depression around this time. so i don't think my husband really understands where my anger against his mom stems from.
apart from this there have been several instances where the pastors/again, my in-laws have complained about my parents to other brothers/sisters of the church (then these brothers have told my parents, who have told me). my father in law cannot take criticism, is a conflict-avoider but then when confronted about being so he lashes out.
i know my parents have been less than perfect here, i understand that. i just feel angry that my husband and i are in the middle of this and expected (by his parents) to one day take over the ministry that i feel his parents are doing a terrible job of stewarding....
finally, all of this causes a stress on my marriage as the only person i can turn to, to voice my frustration is my husband. he is a great man but he was raised to be obedient and respectful and it has taken him many years to be able to verbalize disagreement to his father, and he still has a very hard time doing that. His family ignored conflict while he was growing up, they would take a breather and then act as if nothing had happened. (i don't think this approach is always the right one, or a healthy one.)
I on the other hand was raised in a family where we discussed conflict until it was resolved. (again, not always the right approach, b/c sometimes it's better to let go, but it seems healthier)
what should i do? i want to live at peace and with the Lord's joy, i've got enough to focus on with my marriage and law school. but my husband and i are so involved in the ministry, as are my parents, and obviously his parents (as pastors) that it's very hard to put on a happy face.
any advice....please.
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RE: need advice please - 2/29/2008 12:33:32 PM
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NoDumbBlonde
Posts: 466
Joined: 1/31/2007
From: Upper West Side, Planet Earth
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Wow, not an easy place to be in at all! It tough to be put in the middle so get out of it. You shouldn't be involved in anyway what is going on between your in-laws and your parents. That is something that they need to resolve on their own. It is unfair to you and your husband that any disagreements, conflicts and such should go any farther than the people directly involved. Try and stay out of it. I know your loyalty is to your parents (very understood) but I suggest that your mom and in-laws sit down and hash it out if need be and leave you out of it.
Why did your mom confront your MIL about her affair and put it on speaker phone for others (you) to hear? The Bible calls us to accountability but to do so in private and in a loving manner. While we are to hold other Christians to accountability we are not to judge. She may be in sin but even adultery can be forgiven. If your MIL is or was having an affair then pray for her that she and this other man will be convicted to end it. I can certainly understand your MIL not being to friendly toward your mom as she knows of her dirty laundry. Chances are there will have to be some major forgiveness between them before any tension lessens.
We all know that pastors and their wives tend to be held on a pedestal. Because of their position in the church we expect them to be more spiritual and sinless but we have to first realize that they are human and subject to the same temptations. When they fall, they tend to fall harder. But then we also are taught that those in ministry are held to a higher standard and will be judged accordingly.
If you hear either your parents or in-laws complain about this one or that one stand up and say you don't want to hear it and be involved in gossip. Just that declaration may be the revelation that they need to hear of how they are not living according to God's word. Gossiping is a sin and it needs to end. It leads to ruined reputations, hurt feelings and a spoiled witness.
I do agree that you should not tell your husband. It is also not your place to tell your FIL. That info should come from only your MIL in repentence. I also suggest that you and your mom get together and lift up your MIL in prayer. Her deeds should not be revealed to anyone as it becomes gossip and will damage your church, your in-laws marriage, and any witness you may have. I know it is difficult to pray for someone who we are having difficulties with but that's what we as Christians are to do. Pray that the affair stops and that she comes to complete repentence. Pray also that whatever situation that lead to this affair be resolved and that forgiveness can be given as well. Pray also that your heart is changed to her so you can be a loving DIL even though you are at conflict right now. Forgiveness should be the word of the day. Beyond prayer.... stay out of it.m Just my opinion.
_____________________________
You know you're wealthy when you have enough money to do something other than breathe.
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RE: need advice please - 2/29/2008 12:47:58 PM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 796
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: zoeagape
over the past couple of years several events between my pastors (who are my in-laws), my parents (who attend the same church) and myself have led to me feeling resentful against my pastors/inlaws. i wish i didn't feel this way and instead i wish i had a good relationship, but that's not the case.
on the outside we get along, we have civil and often nice conversations. but the problem is that they have never gotten along with my parents and i've been aware of the way they've treated them and have kept that bottled up for too long. also, a couple of months before my husband and i married i discovered that his mom (the pastor's wife) was committing adultery. she doesn't know i know this, but i found out from my mom who called her out on it in private (which may explain why they don't get along). my mom put her on speakerphone so that i could hear their conversation...yes i know, probably not the wisest thing for my mom to do, but i think she wanted me to understand where her anger and dislike stemmed from, that they weren't just contrived.
You say your inlaws don't care for your parents though it sounds like your mother also dislikes them. Is this accurate?
needless to say this really impacted me. i did not tell my husband because i was afraid what it might do to him, and i don't think the pastor ever found out, he might have suspected it because he went through deep depression around this time. so i don't think my husband really understands where my anger against his mom stems from.
Exactly what does your husband think is the reason you don't care for his mom?
i know my parents have been less than perfect here, i understand that. i just feel angry that my husband and i are in the middle of this and expected (by his parents) to one day take over the ministry that i feel his parents are doing a terrible job of stewarding....
Will your husband take over the ministry because he wants to or because he is expected to? Could this possibly be cause for friction in your families?
finally, all of this causes a stress on my marriage as the only person i can turn to, to voice my frustration is my husband. he is a great man but he was raised to be obedient and respectful and it has taken him many years to be able to verbalize disagreement to his father, and he still has a very hard time doing that. His family ignored conflict while he was growing up, they would take a breather and then act as if nothing had happened. (i don't think this approach is always the right one, or a healthy one.)
I on the other hand was raised in a family where we discussed conflict until it was resolved. (again, not always the right approach, b/c sometimes it's better to let go, but it seems healthier)
There is no right or wrong way, he was brought up one way, you another. As a couple you need to talk about conflict resolution and learn to compromise.
what should i do? i want to live at peace and with the Lord's joy, i've got enough to focus on with my marriage and law school. but my husband and i are so involved in the ministry, as are my parents, and obviously his parents (as pastors) that it's very hard to put on a happy face.
Welcome. You and your husband need to communicate and be on the same page. You should also consider praying together as a couple and ask for the Lord's grace and wisdom.
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RE: need advice please - 2/29/2008 1:04:42 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2925
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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You all need to either end this conflict or attend separate churches before the congregation is torn apart.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: need advice please - 2/29/2008 1:08:17 PM
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zoeagape
Posts: 8
Joined: 2/28/2008
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quote:
Q. You say your inlaws don't care for your parents though it sounds like your mother also dislikes them. Is this accurate?
She does dislike them. Even before she found out about the adultery. But at the beginning when they met they were very close, they worked together. Then, however, my parents noticed that whenever they voiced any disagreement, the pastors would get angry and make them feel like it was a sin to question their decisions. This is where it stems from. It is very difficult to speak to my ILs about anything you disagree with because they don't deal with it well, they almost "shun" you.
quote:
Q. Exactly what does your husband think is the reason you don't care for his mom?
My husband thinks I dislike his mother for the way she has treated my parents over the years, the guilt trips she gave us last Christmas over the amount of time we spent with her on that day (which was half of the day!) and the way she's spoken to me in the past right in front of him (rudely, chastising me for not being able to attend events because of my college/law school responsibilities). (before we were married).
quote:
Q. Will your husband take over the ministry because he wants to or because he is expected to? Could this possibly be cause for friction in your families?
This is a constant debate in my house. My FIL has announced from the pulpit that my husband will take over his "legacy". When I ask my husband if he ever asked him this in private he says no. When I ask him if he wants to be a pastor he says, maybe. He says it won't be for several years since his dad is "young" and so he doesn't want to worry about it. I think this ought to be dealt with now so that his dad will stop saying that and learn to speak to his son before he makes such a huge decision for the two of us.
quote:
Q. There is no right or wrong way, he was brought up one way, you another. As a couple you need to talk about conflict resolution and learn to compromise.
I agree about there being different times for different dispute resolution styles. we have discussed conflict management with my husband and taken classes on church conflict management together. his dad joined us for one. however this week his dad gave a "seminar" on conflict management and made it clear that to disagree is sinful and should not be voiced....it seems like he learned nothing from the first seminar we went to where we learned Jesus didn't always avoid, he confronted, he comproside, he collaborated...
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RE: need advice please - 2/29/2008 1:49:22 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 455
Joined: 7/25/2007
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Well if you and your husband are old enough to be married then that means that you are adults. You are no longer just someone's children.
You need to tell your husband the truth. If and most likely when, he finds out about this and finds out that you knew, he will be so angry at you and your mom. Do you realize that you are lying to your husband. And you are chosing your parents over your husband and your marriage. You and he need to get out from under both sets of parents. I hope you can step away from this and see that you have to build your own life not as an extension of your parents but your very own life and your very own church family that doesn't include warring parents.
I hope you can get out of this mess.
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RE: need advice please - 2/29/2008 2:38:56 PM
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April75
Posts: 254
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I can understand your situation and how you feel. I've been in a similar situation. It's not easy I know. I finally had to leave the church. My in laws are Pastors and I dealt with them being controling things for over 3 years. They thought I was going to be a nice little pushover and do everything, exactly the way they wanted it. It seems they tried to add on a lot of things to be controling. To make sure he stayed right where they wanted him.
The thing is I never had an arguement nor a disagreement with my inlaws. It's like you say they don't deal with anything really. The father won't ever admit he's wrong about anything. I can say they are pretty good people. It's just an over protection thing with their children. They have all sons and the wives/girlfriends pretty much play the male role in their relationships to a certain point. We are the one's who always have to be screened for their sons. None of us attend the church with our husbands/fiancee. My husband left but he will soon go back as he has told me several times.
I've spoken with them on several occassions and they completely don't understand why a son would ever leave his fathers church for any reasons. It's like they live in a box and any outside opinions are foreign to them. This was iniated by his mother when he told her he was leaving the church. He didnt tell me he told them so they were looking at me funny and I didn't know why. She asked me to lunch and kept talking about whether her son could ever see them. I couldn't understand why she was asking so many questions. But I was sitting there trying to answer them with no clue to what was going on. She finally told me after about 3 hours of us going to lunch and to the store together.
Really there is nothing you can do about the situation but pray. I get frustrated and I post on this board a lot about my situation. Basically they may never agree on anything. I have accepted a lot of things as far just being a different type person from my in laws. Their world is so very different from mine and everyone else they know. Even chuch members that have been there over 30 years know how they are. They are who they are but some things are wrong when it comes down to it. My husband and your husband need to step up but it has to be on their own timing.
There is absolutley nothing I can do about my husband wanting to at his parents church even with the things that go on there. I feel more peaceful with him attending there because it's what he wants to do. He clearly doesn't want to attend any other church at this time(eventhough he loves the Pastor of the church I'm going to now). I had to make a decision on my own to what I needed to do. I couldn't deal with rude in laws anymore without my husband stepping up. He is so back and forth because he will admit everything and say he understands and does this even when I haven't said anything about it. I know he knows but he can't bring himself to that point right now.
My husband takes much of the same attitude "Maybe". He doesn't know how to say no to his father without it being something against him. I hope everything works out for you and soon. It's a frustrating situation. But let your husband decide in his own timing. Also it only causes more conflict with your parents feeling and acting the same towards your inlaws. It really fuels more conflict.
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RE: need advice please - 2/29/2008 2:42:27 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: zoeagape
My FIL has announced from the pulpit that my husband will take over his "legacy". When I ask my husband if he ever asked him this in private he says no. When I ask him if he wants to be a pastor he says, maybe. He says it won't be for several years since his dad is "young" and so he doesn't want to worry about it. I think this ought to be dealt with now so that his dad will stop saying that and learn to speak to his son before he makes such a huge decision for the two of us.
There are so many things going on here that it's hard to separate them out (like playing pick-up-stix with dynamite!). I agree with NoDumbBlonde's advice, and I'm so sorry you guys find yourself in the middle of this mess.
The above quote stood out to me: FIL hasn't emancipated your husband yet as an adult, and your poor husband is caught between honoring his father, going along with the father who probably has always told him what to do so as to avoid rocking the boat, and leaving his father and mother and cleaving to his wife. It make take him years to do this because he might fear tearing his family apart (it could. His mother has already started the process). He's going to have to deal with it in his own time, because it's his family of origin he risks losing. Your husband is probably trying to balance keeping his wife and his father, poor guy. As hard as this is for you, it's worse for him. I'd let it ride and let your husband be the man on his own schedule, something his father hasn't allowed. It's hard for you; think of it as an act of love. I may be all wet about this, but I wouldn't push anything to happen because it's your husband who needs to drive this and quit being driven by his father.
Ministry is not inherited, just as God has no grandchildren. He either calls a person or doesn't, with no influence on who that person's parents were. It sounds like FIL thinks he has a business, not a calling. Your husband is ducking his head, so let him find his own pace. Pray for him, that God will speak clearly to your husband about what needs to be done, and give him the courage to do it, because there will be loss.
I am praying for you guys today. Be strong and courageous and watch God work it out. (((Hugs))), dear heart. Thanks for being a good wife to a man with bad parents. God bless you.
_____________________________
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RE: need advice please - 2/29/2008 2:58:22 PM
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zoeagape
Posts: 8
Joined: 2/28/2008
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Sadey:
I don't know what to do with regard to telling my husband or not. Nodumbblonde says let it be, but you're right, if he ever were to find out he'd probably ask me why i never told him. it sure would help to be able to talk to him about this. but isn't that selfish? for me to hurt him with this info now just so that i can have someone to talk about this with?
HesallIneed:
it sounds like we're in similar situations and i admire your courage in taking some action and going to another church. i don't know if i could do that. it may be what i have to do though. i know my husband would have a hard time accepting that since we work so closely in ministry. sometimes i think i should just suck it up like i have for the last 2 1/2 years. but it always comes back to my mind and angers me, and i don't want to feel this anger anymore. i want to live for Christ, i want to serve him in a carefree manner. i feel like this anger is keeping me from living the life he has for me.
deermousie,
thank you for your prayers. my husband is so great, i think he's a good leader in other areas, but when it comes to his parents, he does have a terribly hard time speaking his mind. i don't know how long it will take him to change this. i don't know if i have the strength to deal with all the new things that will come our way while I wait for him to speak up. i feel like one day i will just blow and spew out all that i've been wanting to say...i need to pray for patience and strength.
thank you all so much, it means so much to get feedback and be able to share this.
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RE: need advice please - 2/29/2008 3:27:44 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: zoeagape
thank you all so much, it means so much to get feedback and be able to share this.
I'm glad you can tell us. I, too, have unburdened myself in regards to my parents on this list because no one knows me so my parents aren't dishonored. Only my husband and daughter know.
It may be that you'll need to tell your husband some day just to avoid driving a wedge between you, but it seems he's doing a delicate balancing act and may feel like he's not a man because he doesn't stand up to the father he would probably lose if he did. That's the father's fault to put his son in such a destructive position, but your husband has a lifetime of "training" and it's going to be ripping when it changes. Keep praying for that good man of yours and may God lead and bless. Rom. 8:28, 29 tells us it's good in the end, God does it, and it will make us more like Jesus. What could be better for the brusing and bleeding we get? It's a great deal! (((Hugs)))
_____________________________
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RE: need advice please - 2/29/2008 5:19:41 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 455
Joined: 7/25/2007
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Hon the reason I think you should tell your husband isn't so you will have someone to talk to but so that you won't be keeping something from your husband that could damage your marriage.
Deermousie how do you feel about her telling her husband the truth? I'd like to hear your take on this.
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RE: need advice please - 2/29/2008 6:21:54 PM
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Focusing
Posts: 6007
Status: offline
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Wow Zoe. 
Do you have a female mentor you can turn to and discuss this with?
I agree that you need to tell your husband, otherwise it will cause a problem in your relationship. The longer you wait to tell him, the more the seeds can possibly be planted in his mind "What else has she withheld from me.........?" Perhaps nothing else, but the damage will have been done.
Yes, someone else definitely needs to be involved, someone with a lot of maturity and objectivity, perhaps a Christian counselor. Your husband might be crushed by this revelation about his mother, and may feel a need to confront her, with his father there, and what he needs to do is
(1) know about it
(2) deal with his feelings on the subject
(3) figure out how the both of you will deal with this
You might need to go to another church.
You are unfairly involved in concealing very important information. Not only about a pastor whose wife is not living in accordance with God's will, who needs to get his own house in order, but also it's your FIL.
(((zoe)))
I will be praying for this situation.
_____________________________
Instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend. That would be giving as the angels give.
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RE: need advice please - 2/29/2008 6:31:00 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1868
Joined: 5/23/2006
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I disagree with anyone who said keep covering for the sin. I believe the Bible instructs us to go to that person we have anything against and confront them, in love. If that person won't hear us, then we take a witness.
In this case I believe your witness should be your husband. I also believe we are responsible for another person's soul to the point where we address sin. It's up to that person who is sinning to accept the responsibility of his/her actions, but our actions should always be leading one to Christ...to repentence and forgiveness and restoration.
I would also recommend you and your husband find another church home and another person to call pastor and make it clear to the in-laws why you are choosing to do so.
A person who does not have their own household together clearly is not qualified to pastor a church and serve as a leader. Souls are at stake.
For me that would be the bottom line. I do not owe it to anyone to cover for their sexual sins nor for their inability to lead their own household.
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RE: need advice please - 2/29/2008 9:45:02 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 630
Joined: 7/13/2007
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I agree with Sadey and Buck on this one. I can't imagine hiding something so big from my husband. That does NOT create oneness in a marriage. And WHEN he finds out, because he almost surely will, he is probably going to be very angry and hurt that his wife hid this from him. Where in the Bible does it encourage us to ignore (look the other way) sin? Confrontation is not gossip, it's Biblical.
Also, going into ministry (being a pastor) is, or should be, a DIRECT CALLING FROM GOD-----not inherited from your earthly father. I'd be very careful about messing around with such a thing. Meaning that if I were you I'd encourage my dh to figure out whether he's being called by God into the pastorate and if not encourage him to stand strong. What his father is doing is very wrong. It's time for your husband to find some strength where his parents are concerned.
Also, why on earth are you staying in a church where the leaders are obviously not fit to lead on several levels? If staying there is causing problems in your marriage then it's probably not the place for you to be. I understand you feel obligated or tied to it because you have family there and have apparently been greatly involved in the ministry but look at what it's doing to you.
ETA: Sounds like this family has had some deep issues for many years that are coming to the surface now. Maybe it will bring healing to the family in the end.
< Message edited by Hislittleone -- 2/29/2008 9:56:07 PM >
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RE: need advice please - 2/29/2008 9:48:59 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sadey
Deermousie how do you feel about her telling her husband the truth? I'd like to hear your take on this.
I'm torn, Sadey, because I don't like secrets between married people. But this involves 6 people all "married" to each other, and the connections are confusing and contrary, and some are sinful. There's going to be damage anyway it works out, but hopefully the primary couple (the OP and her husband) will get priority. The husband I imagine (and here's my weakness, because I'm not inside his head) is struggling with "being a man" versus "being a good son" to a father who has put him in an impossible place. The family is likely to be torn apart, and it's already happening to some extent. The OP can quietly pray now and tell her husband later, but if she tells him now there's no taking it back, and I'd like to leave her some room to think it over and pray about what she should do. God is going to work in this situation, and He'll tell the OP, not me, but I'm not there and she is. God *can* work this out, and I pray He will. I think OP and her mom praying together is an excellent idea. I'd like to say, get the pastor in on it, but FIL is the pastor and he's a big part of the problem. The FIL's subtle sin and the MIL's not so subtle sin is what is tearing this whole thing up.
If this were my family, well... I'm the kind of person who gets everyone to the table and lays all the cards out and lets the chips fall where they may. Let the fight begin; I'm going to tell the truth. I'm not always wise in how I handle things, so I really don't know how to proceed with the FIL and the MIL (were they my parents, I'd confront the MIL privately, and then in a family meeting if she didn't confess and repent. I'd make sure the kids were elsewhere before the fur started flying). If the OP and husband go to another church, it will be seen as betrayal to the FIL and a battle will ensue. It may be time for that; don't know. Sometimes I'm too quick to spur the horse into the thick of battle, but sooner or later there's probably going to be a show-down and the truth needs to be told. OP's husband needs to understand his father has put him in an unbiblical and unhealthy place, and he needs the healing in his life to be able to deal with it from God's strength and perspective. I don't think he's there yet, but again, I'm not in his head so I don't know.
< Message edited by deermousie -- 2/29/2008 10:32:03 PM >
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RE: need advice please - 3/1/2008 6:45:47 AM
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crystalblue
Posts: 361
Joined: 1/24/2008
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this and this and this
quote:
ORIGINAL: Sadey
Well if you and your husband are old enough to be married then that means that you are adults. You are no longer just someone's children.
You need to tell your husband the truth. If and most likely when, he finds out about this and finds out that you knew, he will be so angry at you and your mom. Do you realize that you are lying to your husband. And you are chosing your parents over your husband and your marriage. You and he need to get out from under both sets of parents. I hope you can step away from this and see that you have to build your own life not as an extension of your parents but your very own life and your very own church family that doesn't include warring parents.
quote:
I disagree with anyone who said keep covering for the sin. I believe the Bible instructs us to go to that person we have anything against and confront them, in love. If that person won't hear us, then we take a witness.
In this case I believe your witness should be your husband. I also believe we are responsible for another person's soul to the point where we address sin. It's up to that person who is sinning to accept the responsibility of his/her actions, but our actions should always be leading one to Christ...to repentence and forgiveness and restoration.
quote:
I agree with Sadey and Buck on this one. I can't imagine hiding something so big from my husband. That does NOT create oneness in a marriage. And WHEN he finds out, because he almost surely will, he is probably going to be very angry and hurt that his wife hid this from him. Where in the Bible does it encourage us to ignore (look the other way) sin? Confrontation is not gossip, it's Biblical.
Also, going into ministry (being a pastor) is, or should be, a DIRECT CALLING FROM GOD-----not inherited from your earthly father. I'd be very careful about messing around with such a thing. Meaning that if I were you I'd encourage my dh to figure out whether he's being called by God into the pastorate and if not encourage him to stand strong. What his father is doing is very wrong. It's time for your husband to find some strength where his parents are concerned.
Also, why on earth are you staying in a church where the leaders are obviously not fit to lead on several levels? If staying there is causing problems in your marriage then it's probably not the place for you to be. I understand you feel obligated or tied to it because you have family there and have apparently been greatly involved in the ministry but look at what it's doing to you.
ETA: Sounds like this family has had some deep issues for many years that are coming to the surface now. Maybe it will bring healing to the family in the end.
< Message edited by crystalblue -- 3/1/2008 6:59:30 AM >
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RE: need advice please - 3/1/2008 12:36:26 PM
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starvin.artist.gurl
Posts: 60
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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Wow, zoe. You seem to be walking through the fire right now. Don't be discouraged... all things work together for good for those who love and serve God.
I can say what I think I would do in a situation like this, but I really think most importnat thing you need to do right now is pray. Pray like you have never prayed before. I would get your husband involved in praying too. Whether you decided to tel him about you MIL or not, he is still completely aware of the tension between your families. Pray about it together. And not just once or twice... pray everyday. The bible says that we don't wrestle against flesh and blood, but against kingdoms and principalities. I believe in situations like these there is so much happening spiritually behind the scenes that we are not aware of. You can make any decision you like, but if it's not covered in prayer, it probably won't stand up well.
That being said, if I were in this situation, I think it would be time to leave this church... but only if my husband and I left together. This is why you two need to be praying in one accord right now. And maybe you should ask your husband if you two can pray about where God is directing him. Honestly, if there is no desire within your husband to become a pastor, God's probably not calling Him. Not that God can't work on someone's heart and change their mind, but I think there would be more than a "maybe" there. "Maybe" to me says, "Well, I don't really feel called or want to, but everyone seems to think it's the logical thing."
And if God does call him, it doesn't seem to me that this church would be the healthiest place to become a pastor. His parents would still be there guiding all of his decisions.
I think the most important thing right now is to focus on guarding your own marriage. Don't let it get to a point where you and your husband are each choosing a side for yourselves. You need to act as one and make a decision together. If you decide to leave the church and he decides to stay, you've just ripped your marriage in half. Again... you must act together.
Whatever happens... keep praying!
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RE: need advice please - 3/1/2008 7:49:25 PM
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ChristSeeker007
Posts: 10
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline
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There's not much that hasn't been said. Hopefully I can be of some help. I'll start with these verses,
~Proverbs 11:14
For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through many advisers. (NIV)
~1 Thessalonians 5:14
And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. (NIV)
I see you're going through a tuff time but be strong and don't faint, God doesn't give us a load we can't carry. As we know everything works for the best for those who love him. I read most of the advise people have giving you and there's a lot of wisdom in all this advise there giving. But it's going to be up to you to take the decisons and it seems that no matter what you decide to do it's not going to be easy but above all you have to be honest with your husband, he should know what's going on and your FIL should know what his wife is doing behind his back. Either way all this will come to light sooner or later and is someone is sinning you must rebuke them with love and not be an accomplice to what their doing. Like someone said it's not gossip, it's biblical. They might be pastors and I know there not perfect but they should examine themselves and see what's going on. They need some one to tell him what's going on, because he's going to be held accountable for the souls that get lost or saved.
~Proverbs 10:17
Whoever heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray. (NIV)
Everything you do, you must do with love and to seek the others best. This is no easy situation by any means but someone has to step up and do something and stop covering sins of others. Our Lord tells us to keep the peace as much as we can from our part. But you must do as much as you can do from your part and if they don't want to listen and they want to keep acting like gentiles and sinning then find another church because you will never grow spiritually in a church where the leaders are always trying to evade correction or where they hold grudges againts their brothers or sisters. A Christian leader's character should be defined and the person should be like an open book. I know the pastor is your FIL but is his faith worthy to be imitated, is it Christ-centered. These are the questions I always ask my self. As Christans, everything we do or hear from the one's on the pulpit should be examined by the word of God to see if it is according.
~2 Timothy 3:16
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness (NIV)
~1 Corinthians 2:5
So that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God's power. (NIV)
So the best thing I can advise you is to be strong in prayer and also read the scripture's with your husband and let Holy spirit guide you and show you the answers. Be humble, take wise decisions and act, but do not stay silent.
~James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. (NIV)
~May God bless you and strenghten you through this storm. Remember he is sovereign and he is in control, he is our refuge in the hard times. Seek him and you'll find him, call out and he'll answer. Shalom.
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RE: need advice please - 3/3/2008 10:45:18 AM
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hisredeemed1
Posts: 8
Joined: 7/13/2006
Status: offline
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I agree. What purpose is it serving if going to church is one big stressor? Coporate gathering is for the worship of the Lord and our gratefulness to Him and His ways.
How is the Lord glorified in this? How does this win the unsaved to Him? If anything it proves the unsaved 'right'.
Perhaps a breather is in order. Who says you have to attend that church just cause it's family? Remember the Bible talks about leaving and cleaving. Maybe it's time to leave his father's church and attend one of your own. Is God honored in the division, gossip, spitefulness and tale-bearing?
You all need healing space. I suggest your parents find their own church as well that isn't your new one.
Let the Lord perform His healing in all of you.
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RE: need advice please - 3/3/2008 12:48:41 PM
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zoeagape
Posts: 8
Joined: 2/28/2008
Status: offline
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There's been so much good advice, so thank you to everyone who has taken the time to share their thoughts and prayers.
An update:
- I did speak with my husband about his mother's adultery. He was quiet and thoughtful, asked why I hadn't told him, said he understood my hesitancy. He also asked whether I knew if this was still happening or if it was over. I said i thought it was over b/c the man whom she was committing adultery with has left our church. (but we both discussed that this might not mean anything). Maybe it's because he's a man and I'm a woman, or maybe it's because he's finding out now as opposed to while it's going on (as I did) that he didn't take it too badly. He said of course what she did was wrong, but who are we to judge her if she has asked Christ to forgive her? And if she hasn't asked for his forgiveness then shouldn't that be something we leave her to do?
- I can understand his hesitancy to speak to her since it is very well possible this is all over and she has moved on, and here we are still carrying this. Many of you said we should confront her...and you provided scriptural verses to support your advice. I'm not sure if he'd be able to do so.
We discussed the other issues as well but did not reach a conclusion. the conversation will have to be continued, maybe tonight. i did want to provide an update of some sorts though and say thank you.
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RE: need advice please - 3/3/2008 1:02:40 PM
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3tulips
Posts: 324
Joined: 2/1/2007
From: sandy shore
Status: offline
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Good for you for having the conversation with your husband. It is a start. I hope you 2 become a team and are able to share anything with each other. It took my husband and I many years to be able to do that.
_____________________________
I opened up the mouth of love and found the wisdom tooth. Larry Norman 1947 - 2008
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RE: need advice please - 3/3/2008 2:35:47 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1868
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
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an affair ending does not mean the sin has been dealt with. If we care about someones soul that would be the reason to discuss it with the person. As a spiritual leader this pastor and his wife needs to deal with the sin aspect as the Bible commands.
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RE: need advice please - 3/6/2008 7:09:33 AM
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