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Chrim -> 2nd Marriage in trouble (11/6/2009 10:33:07 AM)

Hi, first timer here. I have a problem weighing heavily on my heart and I've prayed relentlessly. I know I should hand it over to the Lord and trust and obey but it's not so easy!

Here's the story, not so short and not so sweet.

I had 4 children with my first husband...we married young and it never was a great marriage. Two of my children, boys, have special needs. One is physically/mentally challenged and lives in a group home and is doing fantastic...praise God! The other son has autism and his 23 years old and lives with me and my second husband.

My first husband cheated on me and was not willing to work on repairing any damages to our marriage so I initiated that separation and divorce. Maybe I should have still stay married but at that time I was a Christian but not going to church or following the Christian life I should have.

I remarried 10 years ago to a man with two children. Now my second marriage is in trouble and has been for several years. My husband is 47 years old and started a new job two years ago that is very stressful. He loves the job but it does cause extra stress and extra traveling.

Last week he informed me that he doesn't want to stay married as long as my son with autism lives in our house. I don't really have a choice at this point to place my son in another living situation because there isn't any options...none, I have discussed it with his social worker multiple times. The waiting list is years long and basically the only way to get a child/adult placed into a residential/group home is if the parents are dying or dead.

But...I am now feeling that even if my son were to be placed tomorrow in the most wonderful environment and that only good and wonderful things can happen for him for the rest of his life, my marriage would still be broken. I resent my husband that he's giving me an ultimatum. I feel as if I'm being asked to choose him or my son. And frankly, my son needs me more than my husband. I'm just not feeling love toward my husband right now.

As a Christian wife who wants to do the right thing...biblically I have no reason to end this marriage. I really don't want to go through another divorce. We went briefly to counseling two years ago without much benefit. My husband basically thinks he is right and will never change...I say this without bitterness but as a fact.

I am now back in solo counseling but unfortunately not a Christian counselor because my insurance won't pay for that. I can't talk to my pastor because he's a close friend and I know my husband would be livid if he knew I said anything to our pastor.

As a Christian wife...what is my duty to my husband and God in this situation?

Sorry for the long story.



herestoresmysoul -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/6/2009 10:46:39 AM)

Hi and welcome
I am also in a second marriage so have a little understanding of step children 'issues'

You clearly cannot abandon your son if he has no where else to go. Why does your husband not want him there? Is his behaviour very difficult? In my opinion, when he married you, he took on your children to some extent as well, and really, what does he want you to do, throw your son out? If he has said that he cannot stay if your son remains, then he will have to leave. He will be breaking the marriage up and not you, If he wants a divorce then he will have to do it and actually as a christian he has no grounds for a divorce.
I was wondering about the boys father.Is he able to have his son for some of the time to give you both a breathing space in all of this? maybe he could have him for a few weeks to give you both time to think and talk about
this issue.

Is there a mature Christian women in the church that you trust who you could go to to talk and pray about it?



mosess8 -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/6/2009 10:50:07 AM)

God bless you sis,

In what ways does your son with autism offset the balance in your household? Are there some things you could adjust in his personal schedule and life that would result in less interaction between the two of them (husband and son)? Are there some options as far as home space adjustments that may make it more tolerable for your husband.

He has thought of this ultimatum probably because he cannot se any other reasonable possibilities of how things could work out. Intense emotions often cause such lack of creativity.

Don' give up trying to make it work. Let him be the one to do the leaving if that's what he thinks is best.

The word "duty" is not necessarily the word that best describes your choices in this situation. In fact, it doesnt appear that there is much you could do anyway if there are no other housing options for your con.
I think the better term would be "what are my options?"

There is a book I would recommend to you, it's called "Desperate Marriages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. Dr. Chapman has a lot of good books on the topic of marriage and relationships.

Hang in there, try to find other alternatives. Is there a care center that is open evenings and days? Would it be possible to have your son engaged in other activities during your husband's downtime hours? Keep trying, you may come up with a win win solution for all thre of you.

I'll pray for you as well.



stamper_ben -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/6/2009 11:10:57 AM)

Your husband married you knowing your son would be with the two of you. He made a choice then and now wants to change that choice and end the marriage because you will not throw your son away. His choice, not yours. You don't want to end the marriage and you don't have to. If he will because of whatever reason he has regarding your son then sobeit. HE is the one who will have to face his Maker one day. Seems you and your children will be better off without him.



InNeedOfAFreshStart -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/6/2009 11:19:35 AM)

Hi and welcome.

I'm sad to hear that your husband, doesn't want to man up. He married you knowing that your son would be with you most of the time, if not all the time.

You don't have a reason to end the marriage nor should you even consider divorce. But if your husband wants to divorce you, then that is on him. He will have to tell the great lord above, why he divorced you. And divorcing someone because of their son who is mentally disabled. And he knew about the problem before he married you. And yet, he still proposed and married you.

The best thing I would advise you to do is to pray, and just hope that The great lord up above will help him change his feelings about your son. Is he happily married? There might be other issues going on as well. But I'm not psychologist.

How long have you been married?

I will pray for you.



Chrim -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/6/2009 12:50:05 PM)

Thank you everyone...sorry for the typo in the subect line (trouble..not troupble).

My son does have behavioral issues and has been violent, mainly towards me. He is now on medication that has helped. He is rigid in his routines, which can be hard as a family, as you may well know, you can't always depend on schedules, routines to run smoothly.

I've done what I can to get support for my son so we can have breaks. My brother is a huge help. My children's father is not any help. He remarried 5 years ago and is no longer a part of his childrens' lives. The last time he spent time with my son C, was over a year ago, and he had him for 1 1/2 hours.

In my current husband's defense, when we first married my first husband was in his kids' lives and we did get breaks from C. But now their father has nothing to do with them.

I have tried to talk to other women (co-worker's, my sister, etc.) but they inevitably get extremely irate and let me know they wouldn't put up with a husband like that. But...he's a great father to my 18 year old daughter, especially since she does not have a "real" father in her life. And C is not being harmed by my husband's feelings, C is oblivious in that way...(I envy that! Being able to live in your own world...ha ha).

At this point my husband is not going to leave. He tells me he's going to wait and see what happens at our meeting next week with the social worker. He wants to know what our legal obligation is as far as taking care of an adult handicapped child. Personally, I don't care what the law says, he's my son and as long as there is no safe, nurturing place for him to live I will take care of him.

My dilemma is what do I say to my husband when he starts his rants and awful insults? He is a tad controlling so if I try to reason with him it only adds gasoline to the fire...he gets even more irate and insulting. It's probably verbal abuse but I'm at the point I don't let it get to me.

Sigh...I guess what I'm hearing is what I knew all along. If my husband decides he can't/won't live with me because of my son then that is his decision. I will accept it, but I feel that he is picking one issue to obsess about to blame for his unhappiness. I told him to look inside himself to find the source of his unhappiness, but he doesn't like to be told what to do and is convinced that if C was out of our life we would live happily everafter.

FAT CHANCE.



dershuh -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/6/2009 1:13:07 PM)

I so sorry for your problem. But the "problem" is your husbands to resolve. Whether you son was violent at the beginning or became violent the issue is one to resolve within the marriage. Counseling and maybe a drug regimen are possible resolution. Could you bring in a pastor or some neutral third parties to offer solutions. Rants and insults are no way to settle an issue like this. What would his response be if one of his children became an invalid and you were in his position?



doinkdom -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/6/2009 2:11:02 PM)

quote:


As a Christian wife...what is my duty to my husband and God in this situation?


Your duty is to get good, solid biblical help....and talking to your pastor about your marriage is something you should be free to do without being overly concerned about your husband's personal comfort regarding the relationship he has with him. In fact, it should be more helpful since your pastor knows both of you and ought to be able to shepherd you and your husband through this.



Mollymouser -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/6/2009 5:16:35 PM)

Some practical questions for you ...

Is your 23 year old son receiving government benefits of any kind? (Disability? State insurance?)
Has he completed high school? Is he attending school now? Is he working? Has he ever worked?
What state do you live in?
Is your son receiving therapy or counseling?
Is he on any sort of a waiting list for a group home?
Are you planning to have him live with you for the rest of both of your lives?
Where does your second husband think you should send your son? What research has he done with regard to options?

You mentioned that your second marriage has been in trouble "for several years." What have you two done (so far) during this several year period to work on your marriage? Is the sole problem between you and your second husband the fact that your sometimes violent 23 year old son is living with you?



Chrim -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/6/2009 6:04:50 PM)

Harvie...to answer your questions...

C receives an SSI check each month. He finished school at 21 and now goes everyday to an Adult Facility Training Program. A bus comes each day and picks him up and brings him home. All this is covered by money through the state. He makes minimal money at the facility but does very well there, he is one of their best clients/employees! We live in PA. He does not receive therapy but is on a medication that helps with his behavior.

He is on a "waiting list" to be considered for more funding that would enable him to be placed in a group home or other living arrangement if/when a place is available. It is my hope that he can live somewhere else someday if it's a good place. His older brother is physically/mentally challenged and lives in a wonderful group home with 3 other men. He was placed there when I was a single mother with four children and could no longer handle taking care of him. I was actually hospitalized for severe depression.

My husband and I tried counseling a couple of years ago but we didn't attend many sessions. My husband travels a lot and it's hard to coordinate appointments. The last time I mentioned the possibility of going to a weekend marriage seminar he told me he didn't have the time. He then added the last time we went to counseling it didn't help and he didn't feel it would help to go again. Do I think our only problem is my son? No. But my husband does.

I had another counseling session today with a therapist (my 2nd session). Talking to her and reading the responses here I do realize it is mostly out of my hands. If my husband absolutely cannot see there's any hope for a happy marriage with C in our lives I can't change his mind. I also realized I am not feeling very loving towards my husband right now. Can that change? I'm not sure.

In the meantime, I bought a book almost a year ago "Fireproof Your Marriage." I have never even opened it but I came home today and read the first chapter. I will attempt to do the 40 day dare...it can't hurt! Someone also mentioned a book by Gary Chapman that I tried to get at Border's today..."Desperate Marriages," they were out of stock but I think I'll order it from Amazon. Unfortunately my husband is not a reader (I am an avid reader) so I doubt he will read and/or research any help for our marriage.



Mollymouser -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/7/2009 3:05:04 PM)

You're in my prayers.



deermousie -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/7/2009 11:35:25 PM)

Your husband doesn't want you talking to the pastor because it might make him look bad, when he's threatening to destroy his marriage? What gall! Go talk to the pastor - he is God's appointed shepherd to His flock. If your husband doesn't like having his sin exposed, he shouldn't have sinned in the first place. Don't let him make you responsible to cover it as your own cost. His sin will be outed, God says.

Your first husband abandoned his first wife and his sons because the sons needed help from their father, too; that is despicable. He'll have to explain that one to God.

This husband, I assume, also promised "for better or worse" but is chickening out about the worse part (maybe he was hoping it wouldn't ever come). And from what you say, even without your autistic son, he'd be a flake.

We cannot abandon our needy children to satisfy what amounts to a husband who threatens to abandon his family, a great sin. I'm sorry he's like this, dear one; pray that God will change him. If he is going to leave, he will leave; be sure to get a good lawyer who'll get support for you. And I'd go after your first husband, too, to help support you and your son, if that is legally feasible. (((HUgs))) to you; I'm praying for you tonight.



Chrim -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/9/2009 7:33:05 PM)

I have been told that my second "marriage" doesn't really exist...that it is adultery. Biblically I am still married to my first husband. Anybody have any ideas how I tell that to the woman he's living with now that believes she is his wife?

I've had a really bad day...after therapy and much research it is apparent my husband (SORRY...the man that I'm living in sin with) has a narcissistic personality disorder. It all makes sense now--the way he treats me, tells me what a bad person I am, his controlling manner, the verbal abuse, etc.

So...my first husband cheated on me...the man I am currently living with basically has no feelings for me...I have been a loving, giving, caring, unselfish woman in each of these relationships but I'm going to hell because I'm committing adultery.

I will never say I was a perfect mother and wife but I did the best I could. I never hurt a soul and sacrificed everything for my children. But none of that counts. I'm going to hell



Mollymouser -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/9/2009 7:39:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chrim

I have been told that my second "marriage" doesn't really exist...that it is adultery. Biblically I am still married to my first husband. Anybody have any ideas how I tell that to the woman he's living with now that believes she is his wife?

I've had a really bad day...after therapy and much research it is apparent my husband (SORRY...the man that I'm living in sin with) has a narcissistic personality disorder. It all makes sense now--the way he treats me, tells me what a bad person I am, his controlling manner, the verbal abuse, etc.

So...my first husband cheated on me...the man I am currently living with basically has no feelings for me...I have been a loving, giving, caring, unselfish woman in each of these relationships but I'm going to hell because I'm committing adultery.

I will never say I was a perfect mother and wife but I did the best I could. I never hurt a soul and sacrificed everything for my children. But none of that counts. I'm going to hell


((( hug )))

There's a One Stop Thread on Remarriage After Divorce, so I'm not going to touch those issues here with a 10-foot poll.

If you've been convicted by the Holy Spirit (and not some person) that you have been committing adultery (or any other sin), my advice would be to confess that sin to Christ, who will forgive you. Hell isn't for the forgiven, dear ... there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.



ta_mosquito -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/9/2009 7:42:48 PM)

Whoever told you that is giving their OPINION of Scripture. There's a whole huge thread on the debate - and it's debated in Christian circles. So do NOT think you're automatically going to hell because someone told you that. It's simply THEIR view of the Scriptures.

Don't shackle yourself with what could very easily be false guilt.

Edit: I just saw Harvie's post above mine. Yes - if the HOLY SPIRIT is convicting you, then that's one thing. It's a whole other animal if a human is trying to load you down with guilt and condemnation.



Chrim -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/9/2009 8:41:11 PM)

I'm just trying to figure out what is right. Yes, somebody told me remarrying after my first divorce was a sin...but I do not feel the Holy Spirit is condemning me...just my husband, who thinks he is GOD! (Sorry...that is a feeble attempt at humor.)

I'm confused and sad. I have always tried to do what is right and it seems to only blow up in my face. I heard the other day that God isn't going to make us happy or healthy, but hopefully holy.

I don't expect complete happiness, I don't wish for wealth, I feel blessed that I'm healthy, I wake up everyday trying to be the best Christian I can be...but I'm at a point that it all seems so hopeless. If my husband (current guy I'm living with) cannot love me for who I am and only condemns me because I'm not what he "thinks" I should be...WHAT DOES GOD WANT ME TO DO? Lie down and accept this condemnation? Doesn't God want me to be the best I can be and to use the gifts he gave me?

I am blessed...I live in relative wealth compared to other countries, I'm not abused (physically), I'm free to express myself, so I should be content. Right?!?

It's a moot point and I know I'm rambling. I'm just trying to work it out and there is no "right" answer...at least that any human can give me.

I'll keep praying. I know God has a plan.



herestoresmysoul -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/10/2009 1:35:56 AM)

Chrim
Please please please dont listen to those people whose only aim in life is to pour condemnation on you for being remarried. Just prayerfully read the story of the women at the well. Jesus Himself recognised ALL of her marriages as being marriages and ALL of her husbands as beng husbands and NOT just the first one. Simple.Its so very clear.
God Bless



Chrim -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/10/2009 12:21:18 PM)

Thanks.

I'm just hurting right now and very vulnerable. I guess that's what got me in this situation in the first place.



jaimestarcross -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/13/2009 2:49:28 AM)

As for the 2nd marriage... Didn't Jesus tell the Samaritan woman at the well she has had 5 husbands?

He called them husbands not men she'd fornicated with.

Continue with counseling and also see about having spiritual counseling
with your minister and have your church family lifting you and your husband up in prayer.



herestoresmysoul -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/13/2009 6:20:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross

As for the 2nd marriage... Didn't Jesus tell the Samaritan woman at the well she has had 5 husbands?

He called them husbands not men she'd fornicated with.

Continue with counseling and also see about having spiritual counseling
with your minister and have your church family lifting you and your husband up in prayer.

Jamie. I just love that story of the women at the welL, It squashes all of the arguments from those who say we are only married to the first person we marry and that we are committing adultery if we marry again(no matter what the reason). Its so simple. "You HAVE HAD 5 HUSBANDS". Not one husband not "you are still married to the first husband" no Jesus recognised all of her marriages, all of her divorces as ending the previous marriage, and all of her husbands as being her husbands..
God Bless



hotsaucygma -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/13/2009 7:49:06 AM)

Chrim, You mentioned that you were going to see your Social Worker a few days ago - how did that go? Were there any options for you? Did you talk to her about any respite care for evenings or weekends? That might be some help... also, have you talked to the Social Worker about the fact that the strain of not being able to place your son is close to ending your marriage and that it could mean you would much more trouble being able to take care of him on your own? This might make him a higher priority on the waiting list.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

If you need to ramble, ramble or "vent" away, I understand the need myself from past experience [&:].



janidhiro -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/13/2009 8:45:22 AM)

quote:

Your husband doesn't want you talking to the pastor because it might make him look bad, when he's threatening to destroy his marriage? What gall! Go talk to the pastor - he is God's appointed shepherd to His flock. If your husband doesn't like having his sin exposed, he shouldn't have sinned in the first place. Don't let him make you responsible to cover it as your own cost. His sin will be outed, God says.

Your first husband abandoned his first wife and his sons because the sons needed help from their father, too; that is despicable. He'll have to explain that one to God.

This husband, I assume, also promised "for better or worse" but is chickening out about the worse part (maybe he was hoping it wouldn't ever come). And from what you say, even without your autistic son, he'd be a flake.


I love deermousie's incredible ability to cut through the fog and call a spade a spade. My advice: what she said.



jhuperetes -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/13/2009 10:59:22 AM)

Can't say it any better.

If he wants to "help you" he can help find a better solution for everyone, not just for himself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: stamper_ben

Your husband married you knowing your son would be with the two of you. He made a choice then and now wants to change that choice and end the marriage because you will not throw your son away. His choice, not yours. You don't want to end the marriage and you don't have to. If he will because of whatever reason he has regarding your son then sobeit. HE is the one who will have to face his Maker one day. Seems you and your children will be better off without him.



Chrim -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/13/2009 11:04:12 AM)

Thank you everyone.

Yes we met with the social worker yesterday. My husand was surprised to hear her talk about how hard she's been working to find a place for my son. (He has accused me of not working hard enough to find a solution. that I haven't told the social worker that we want a place for my son) She's honest and says it's not something that can happen overnight...basically we're waiting for someone who is in a group home right now to die (that's too sad).. There is not any new funding available at this time.

Anyway...she told us there is now funding available for respite care, this money has been frozen for the last 5-6 months due to economic issues. She's looking into these options for us.

I'm tired...so very tired. I don't want to divorce but I also don't want to be married to a man who tells me (and he did again last night after the social worker left) that he hates living in our house because of my son. But he wants me to turn around and be a loving wife to him and show him affection and undivided attention. I know our spouses are supposed to come before our children, but where do we draw the line?

My son is physically an adult, but mentally a child. My husband (for the 100th time) reminded me that when I enrolled my son in social group that meets 2-3 Saturdays (during the day) a month that I was letting him know that he (my husband) is not important because this was taking away from time we could spend with each other. It doesn't seem to bother him to go to a bar every Friday from 4-6 and come home mad at me and saying mean things about my son because he hates coming home anymore. Isn't this taking away from our time too? But if I mention that he gets livid and tells me I don't want him to have any fun.

I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall...constantly and forever.



Redjasper -> RE: 2nd Marriage in troupble (11/13/2009 2:14:27 PM)

It seems that he has already made up his mind that he hates the home and can't accept the son. Didn't he knew about the condition when he married? There is no way that he should come first before the special needs child. That child, no matter how old he is and biologically how much of an adult, will need lifetime support from his mother. I wouldn't initiate divorce, but it's quite possible that he will. He needs more counseling than the wife. It's not the wife that needs improvement. I pray that he will let God change his heart. Please don't take up his part of the responsibility in the relationship and carry heavy guilt instead of him bearing it.



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