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RE: Question for you. - 11/3/2009 9:05:01 AM
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rachay2
Posts: 832
Joined: 5/11/2005
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manda59~ Yes, I did confide in her. That is kind of what happens when you trust people. As far as it not being wise or appropriate...lesson learned. I have since learned there are some things you should only tell our Lord because only He can change things. I do not talk to her about him anymore except recently when I told her my husband had mentioned removing her from my list. Our conversations are about us, our children, what we are doing, ect.
Liveloved, you think that supporting or encouraging someone to divorce their spouse is ungodly? I don't think so because there are some valid reasons for doing that. I cannot relate to your scenario becasue that has never happened to me. It is hard to imagine what my response would be. I probably would look at like it like this: If Kay is really a friend her relationship with Beth would not affect our relationship and if it did then I would ascertain that Kay and Beth deserve each other.
As far as the child scenario, how we are resonsible for our children is alot different from how we are responsible for our spouse. Adults can make their own decisions. I do believe that my husband is looking out for our relationship. He just has annoying way of going about it sometimes.
I wasn't too sure about that until yesterday when we had a long discussion ( I really hate the looooooooooong talks, but they are necessary to get to the heart of a matter. Especially when we see things so differently sometimes.)
Jeanie! Good to see you again! I will have to Pm you so we can catch up. I agree with what you said. We will rise above anything that comes up, with God's help we always do. It's just that there are times when I get so overwelmed that I just want to sit down and say whatever! I do eventually get up. Eventually... 
janidhiro~ he does tend to treat me like a child more than an equal, which is how I felt about this situation. He doesn't see it that way of course, but he does. For example, when we were talking last night he said that if I had added my friends back he would have pulled the plug on the computer and not let me use it. I knew he would do that. It is part of his aggresive take charge kind of personality. Most ways I find this an attractive aspect to his personality, in other ways not so much.  It tends to make it difficult to submit because I have an adversion to being forced to do anything I don't wanna do. Which is the flipside to my normally passive personality.
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 Rachael
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RE: Question for you. - 11/3/2009 9:51:55 AM
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rachay2
Posts: 832
Joined: 5/11/2005
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quote:
What if she makes a flippant remark about him deleting her and your husband reads it? I think it will just cause more drama. What if he reads messages between you two etc.
I have thought about this too. Believe me I am all about avoiding whatever drama I can. I get enough of that with all these kids running around! I especially hate it when Iam pushed to a point that I become dramatic. I despise drama the most when it comes from me.
Yes, we need to have spiritual maturity. It has taken a long time to get to that point, but we have learned alot over the years.
As far as the momma thing you talked about it, that is exactly my mindset.  Yes, I do bear some of the responsiblity because I did tell him what was said, but as far as I am concerned it you don't want to know, don't ask. Besides, he actually met her before he met me and decided then and there without any help from me that he didn't like her. imagine his dismay when he found out she was my best friend. 
Bolt~ I like your idea of restoring the equality back, but I really don't think I could actually drop her. Just thinking about it makes me feel like a bad friend. I think the best thing I could do is leave things as they are. For 16 years he has asked me to cut off contact with her and for 16 years I have not been able to bring myself to do that. I apparantly don't have it in me.
You are right, his observations do matter and I do respect him very much. Where we are today is so far removed from where we were years ago. He has changed so much and really tries to do what is best for us. It's his opinion that we shoud be very selective about who we spend our time with. I have to agree becasue we are who we hang out with. Iron sharpens iron, so if you are not strong in the Lord and feeding on His word you are weak and no benefit to anyone around you.
I think I am beginning to understand more clearly the importance of letting some people go. It hurts though, it feels as though I am being a snob or worse just outright betraying them. I will let her go because I know that it is the right thing to do now. That might be difficult because we only live 15 minutes away from each other, but I will allow the distance to grow until she is just a memory. The most important thing is putting God first, my husband and then my children. We only have so much time here and I can't be wasting mine. I've wasted too much as it is.
Doing this will show my husband that I do repect and love him more then any other person on this earth. That will help our marriage immensely.
Counseling...we have done that before and it was helpful. I don't really see us doing it now though. Too busy buying diapers and trying to keep the bills paid. If it is necessary then God will provide it for us. Right now we are doing okay. At least once the emotion dies down we can get to a place where we can discuss things between ourselves in a healthy and beneficial manner and it doesn't take forever like it used to.
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Rachael
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RE: Question for you. - 11/3/2009 2:04:07 PM
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armywifey
Posts: 53
Joined: 6/11/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rachay2
quote:
What if she makes a flippant remark about him deleting her and your husband reads it? I think it will just cause more drama. What if he reads messages between you two etc.
I have thought about this too. Believe me I am all about avoiding whatever drama I can. I get enough of that with all these kids running around! I especially hate it when Iam pushed to a point that I become dramatic. I despise drama the most when it comes from me.
Yes, we need to have spiritual maturity. It has taken a long time to get to that point, but we have learned alot over the years.
As far as the momma thing you talked about it, that is exactly my mindset. Yes, I do bear some of the responsiblity because I did tell him what was said, but as far as I am concerned it you don't want to know, don't ask. Besides, he actually met her before he met me and decided then and there without any help from me that he didn't like her. imagine his dismay when he found out she was my best friend.
Bolt~ I like your idea of restoring the equality back, but I really don't think I could actually drop her. Just thinking about it makes me feel like a bad friend. I think the best thing I could do is leave things as they are. For 16 years he has asked me to cut off contact with her and for 16 years I have not been able to bring myself to do that. I apparantly don't have it in me.
You are right, his observations do matter and I do respect him very much. Where we are today is so far removed from where we were years ago. He has changed so much and really tries to do what is best for us. It's his opinion that we shoud be very selective about who we spend our time with. I have to agree becasue we are who we hang out with. Iron sharpens iron, so if you are not strong in the Lord and feeding on His word you are weak and no benefit to anyone around you.
I think I am beginning to understand more clearly the importance of letting some people go. It hurts though, it feels as though I am being a snob or worse just outright betraying them. I will let her go because I know that it is the right thing to do now. That might be difficult because we only live 15 minutes away from each other, but I will allow the distance to grow until she is just a memory. The most important thing is putting God first, my husband and then my children. We only have so much time here and I can't be wasting mine. I've wasted too much as it is.
Doing this will show my husband that I do repect and love him more then any other person on this earth. That will help our marriage immensely.
Counseling...we have done that before and it was helpful. I don't really see us doing it now though. Too busy buying diapers and trying to keep the bills paid. If it is necessary then God will provide it for us. Right now we are doing okay. At least once the emotion dies down we can get to a place where we can discuss things between ourselves in a healthy and beneficial manner and it doesn't take forever like it used to.
Wow rach, I have never seen such a change of heart happen so quickly, especially on a forum. You even have ppl telling you in so many words, to keep her as a friend and ignore your husband. I'd say if you've come around this quickly (after being given permission to feel the way you do, and to do what some suggest) then it's definitely a God thing!
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RE: Question for you. - 11/3/2009 2:46:04 PM
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dajojojo
Posts: 5
Joined: 12/8/2007
Status: offline
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Obviously, you husband feels threatened and there is a reason for that. It's important that you find out whats so threatening about your friend. Whether its confirmed or not. Simply because your friend and her husband aren't married to you but you are married t your husband. I agree with you. What your husband did wasn't right. And he should be able to explain himself better. God bless
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RE: Question for you. - 11/3/2009 10:13:54 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 1812
Status: offline
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quote:
Liveloved, you think that supporting or encouraging someone to divorce their spouse is ungodly?
I do. God hates divorce. So as His, I do all I can to encourage and pray for couples to remain faithful and live as He desires.
I am glad that you have had a change of heart and are desiring to honor your husband. That is the kind of love the Lord would have you live out to your husband. Even and especially when they do things we don't agree with or dislike intensely, we are to live love. Bless you for choosing that.  LL
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Liveloved
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Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
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RE: Question for you. - 11/4/2009 2:08:49 AM
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michele_erin
Posts: 101
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
I am glad that you have had a change of heart and are desiring to honor your husband. That is the kind of love the Lord would have you live out to your husband. Even and especially when they do things we don't agree with or dislike intensely, we are to live love. Bless you for choosing that. LL
Amen -- me personally I have learned much through this post -- so thank you for being the original poster, and for all who gave such great advice. I remember what I said, and how I acted, and I would have been selfish. Thank you for bringing a new perspective for me to see. God bless you!
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RE: Question for you. - 11/4/2009 7:17:30 PM
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magdaleine
Posts: 4853
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
However if this friend has said bad things about her husband in the past, and she does act differently around her than he may have good reason.He may not have dealt with it in the right way but he may have reason to be concerned. If you had a friend who was in a very troubled and difficult marriage, possibly even an abusive marriage, would you not, in love, talk about the options available to her, one of which may be to separate? Loving a friend, supporting and encouraging them when they're in trouble, helping her to see how to stand up for herself when she's being bullied and mistreated--A husband might not like such a person because of the advice she has given to his wife but that doesn't mean that the friend is a bad influence. That friend may be exactly what the wife needs but which the husband wants to keep her from to keep her under his thumb. I'm not saying this is the case for Rachael but it could be. There ARE times to say "bad things" about a bad person who is doing bad things to someone who deserves much better treatment.
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Maggie
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RE: Question for you. - 11/5/2009 12:24:49 AM
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magdaleine
Posts: 4853
Joined: 4/11/2005
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Absolutely! One thing God puts above a lot of other things, like going to church, serving in church, giving tithes, etc. is JUSTICE and it is a great injustice for any woman to feel trapped in an abusive marriage because someone told her she must obey her husband. If anyone disbelieves my comment about justice being so important to God, look at what he says through many of the prophets. He did not want their festivals (going to church), their sacrifices (tithing), etc. because of the unjust ways they were treating others and/or because they did nothing to bring justice to those who needed it--the downtrodden and weak. If an abused wife is not downtrodden and weak, no one is. It is WRONG to ignore her plight and leave her in her suffering and misery. It is something that God ahbors.
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Maggie
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Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium
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