|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/17/2009 11:01:00 AM
|
|
|
Scottinla57
Posts: 62
Joined: 12/27/2008
Status: offline
|
First off, I love my fiancé just the way she is, I’m perfectly happy with her size… and I tell her that.
However, she is constantly complaining about her weight… she claims to be 50 lbs over weight… which I find hard to believe because I guess she is around 150lbs and I can’t imagine she is that far over.
I just worry about her self esteem because it obviously bothers her… and she has back and knee pain plus if she is carrying that much extra weigh it can’t be good for her health in general.
But here is the problem… for us men talking to out ladies about their weight is a mine field… we usually retreat to the safe “I love just the way you are” and other such non committal statements.
So what to do? I try to gently encourage her to eat better but I am afraid of making her feel even worse about her weight.
My lovely is in her mid forties, teen daughter, around five feet tall, about one fifty pounds.
HELP!!!
< Message edited by Scottinla57 -- 9/17/2009 1:41:44 PM >
_____________________________
Keep deception and lies far from me, Give me neither poverty nor riches; Feed me with the food that is my portion, That I not be full and deny You and say, "Who is the LORD?" Or that I not be in want and steal, And profane the name of my God.
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/17/2009 11:23:12 AM
|
|
|
GraceyGirl
Posts: 425
Joined: 6/4/2006
Status: offline
|
Well - at five feet, 150 is a bit heavy. I can see why she might feel she's overweight. I'm 5'3 and about 175 and I am not at all happy with my size. I've been working on dropping some of the weight (so maybe I'm further away from 175 now! ) and my DH has been "helpful" in the ways he can. We had to have a very long "come to Jesus" converstation about it however, b/c his idea of being helpful and mine were very different.
First off - and don't take this personal - it doesn't matter if YOU love her the way she is, she doesn't love herself this way. While your intentions are good and wholesome, what she hears is, "I don't care if you don't like this situation, it's fine with me." Not helpful. Find other ways to communicate your love to her - OUTSIDE of conversations about her weight. I'm sure you already do this (or you wouldn't be engaged!) but keep at it.
Secondly - it's not enough to encourage HER to eat healthier - DO IT WITH HER! Eliminate eating out as your dates - take her to a park, throw a frisbee, go to the beach and swim, go to an indoor pool and swim and play. Don't make it an "exercise" date, but create dates that will get her active and moving, not simply sitting and eating. I'm not saying that's all she does, but these are things you can do WITH her, as opposed to telling her what she ought to do. It's much more inspiring to be active with someone else rather than try to do it alone. In addition to the activities, why don't you cook for her for a date? Make a vegitarian dinner? Or even a regular dinner, but watch the portions, watch the fat, and if you serve her (hint hint) you can control what goes on her plate. She'll think it's sweet, and you'll be subtly "retraining" her to change portion size (if that's been an issue.)
Above all else - remember that she does not like herself the way she is. Try to find out if there's an underlying reason besides the weight factor. As women get older, it does get more difficult to take the weight off, so be patient and speak patience to her as well.
_____________________________
God called. He'd like His church back.
~John Wimber~
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/17/2009 11:30:35 AM
|
|
|
EclecticJoy
Posts: 14171
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Here . . . but subject to change; stay tuned
Status: offline
|
Man, was I pleasantly surprised to read the actual OP. 
It's not at all what I expected.
And, Scottinla57, may I commend you for caring so much about her to come here and ask questions as to how you can help her. (insert "thumbs-up smiley; for some reason, I can't bring the extra smileys up right now).
It definitely sounds like a self-esteem problem with your fiancé; which could have been created internally, soley through her mind, externally through comments (either directed to her or not) and media, etc. . . . Or, it could be a combination of both: internal and external.
Regardless of how it originated, it is going to have to first stop in her mind. You can personally tell her till the cows come home how beautiful you think she is; but until she actually believes she is beautiful regardless of who else thinks so or does not think so, it's going to be a very hard battle for both of y'all.
Regarding what she eats and how she exercises, that, too, has got to come from her.
For two reasons:
(1) Loosing weight for someone else is always temporary and often ends in frustration, accompanied by hard feelings towards the person for whom someone is loosing weight (regardless of whether that "someone" specifically requested such or whether it was perceived in the mind of the person loosing the weight).
(2) Until someone decides to (loose weight, exercise more, stop smoking, stop drinking to excess, etc. - anything to do with their own personal body), it's not going to be "that" important to them. It's only when someone makes the decision to do it and the decision is based soley on them and not reliant on anyone else.
Some questions you might ask her:
"Why do you feel you need to lose 50 pounds" (or, "Why do you want to lose 50 pounds?"). Encourage her to truly answer the question. And then truly listen to what she says. Unless she is on the verge of being anorexic, please do not argue with her during this conversation; and during this conversation, refrain from telling her what you personally think. She needs to decide in her mind what she personally wants in regards to her size.
If she truly does want to, or feel she needs to, lose 50 pounds, then ask her how she wants to go about accomplishing that.
But again, the work is up to her; it has to be. If she asks you for help or encouragement, definitely be there for her; but she's got to be the one who initiates whatever it is she will do to loose weight. She's got to be the one who decides what she is going to eat. She's got to be the one who decides if she is going to exercise. If she doesn't make the decision to take her life into her own hands (and then follow through on that decision by her actions), then her "desire" to loose weight is only a surface desire and not one that is truly hers.
. . . Which speaks again of low self-esteem.
It can be quite a frustrating cycle.
_____________________________
I'm really Sharon-Marie. Really I am!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/17/2009 12:02:49 PM
|
|
|
BelleWeather
Posts: 1463
Joined: 7/29/2009
From: New York City
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: GraceyGirl
Well - at five feet, 150 is a bit heavy. I can see why she might feel she's overweight. I'm 5'3 and about 175 and I am not at all happy with my size. I've been working on dropping some of the weight (so maybe I'm further away from 175 now! ) and my DH has been "helpful" in the ways he can. We had to have a very long "come to Jesus" conversation about it however, b/c his idea of being helpful and mine were very different.
First off - and don't take this personal - it doesn't matter if YOU love her the way she is, she doesn't love herself this way. While your intentions are good and wholesome, what she hears is, "I don't care if you don't like this situation, it's fine with me." Not helpful. Find other ways to communicate your love to her - OUTSIDE of conversations about her weight. I'm sure you already do this (or you wouldn't be engaged!) but keep at it.
Secondly - it's not enough to encourage HER to eat healthier - DO IT WITH HER! Eliminate eating out as your dates - take her to a park, throw a frisbee, go to the beach and swim, go to an indoor pool and swim and play. Don't make it an "exercise" date, but create dates that will get her active and moving, not simply sitting and eating. I'm not saying that's all she does, but these are things you can do WITH her, as opposed to telling her what she ought to do. It's much more inspiring to be active with someone else rather than try to do it alone. In addition to the activities, why don't you cook for her for a date? Make a vegetarian dinner? Or even a regular dinner, but watch the portions, watch the fat, and if you serve her (hint hint) you can control what goes on her plate. She'll think it's sweet, and you'll be subtly "retraining" her to change portion size (if that's been an issue.)
Above all else - remember that she does not like herself the way she is. Try to find out if there's an underlying reason besides the weight factor. As women get older, it does get more difficult to take the weight off, so be patient and speak patience to her as well.
I'm with GracyGirl on this.
Discussing the subject should be done in a kind but direct manner. Do your homework and have a variety of expeditions planned (walk in the park, bad weather walk in the mall, a free dance lesson, rent a canoe or paddle boat, play croquet, etc). Get creative and have a good time. Exercise is drudgery if it's boring.
You don't mention your physical condition, but if the two of you work on this together, your lady fair will be more successful at weight loss and both of you will be in better health.
Regular daily exercise is essential. Start slow and work your way up to more vigorous exercise, for longer periods of time.
Walking and swimming are excellent and non-impact.
Ballroom dancing (I'm partial, being a professional dancer) is also very good aerobic exercise and it's fun. Explaining to the instructor that there are physical limitations (her bad back), will help avoid injury.
_____________________________
There's a crack in everything.
That's how the light get's in.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/17/2009 1:38:35 PM
|
|
|
Scottinla57
Posts: 62
Joined: 12/27/2008
Status: offline
|
WOW, great replies ladies!
I'm 52 and she is 45... when we started dating I was sure she is "the one" and got so nervous about courting her I lost 20 to 30 pounds… she was not amused “you’re loosing weight and not even trying!!!” 
We are both in pretty good shape, she loves walking so we do a lot of that.
What we have talked about is diet, she has a pile if low cal cooking books in her kitchen… but she is on the typical American high carb diet… she LOVES bread, rice, pasta, potatoes… I have told her she doesn’t have to stop eating such things but just cut back.
I live on an 80/20 rule, I eat healthy 80% of the time but allow myself to indulge in fatty/bad food 20% of the time.
Oh and by the way I’m 5’10 200lbs (just to be fair)
I just was wondering the best way to talk about it with her… I want to be supportive… but I don’t want to say the wrong thing and make things worse (bring her self esteem down even more)
Thanks and keep the good advice coming!
_____________________________
Keep deception and lies far from me, Give me neither poverty nor riches; Feed me with the food that is my portion, That I not be full and deny You and say, "Who is the LORD?" Or that I not be in want and steal, And profane the name of my God.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/17/2009 4:14:03 PM
|
|
|
deermousie
Posts: 2447
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
|
A cool way to see if a person is overweight or underweight is to calculate a Body Mass Index.
Below 18.5: Underweight
18.5 - 24.9: Normal
25 - 29.9: Overweight
30 and above: Obese
Calculate it at http://bmi.emedtv.com/bmi-calculator/bmi-calculator.html
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/17/2009 7:08:10 PM
|
|
|
catlady11
Posts: 104
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
Well - at five feet, 150 is a bit heavy
Not necessarily. I am 5 feet tall and 48 years old (the older I get the more weight I can carry). Right now I am a size 16 and weigh 200 lbs. At 150 lbs. I'm a size 6 and not heavy at all.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/18/2009 7:16:02 AM
|
|
|
Miss Giggles
Posts: 5618
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: MI
Status: online
|
That is overweight and yes I am 4'11.
To the op - you really shouldn't say anything that isn't supportive.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/18/2009 9:47:37 AM
|
|
|
Tinkerbell_
Posts: 7660
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
I think when she's directing her complaints at you, she's looking for your validation. She wants you to say she's beautiful to you, even if she herself doesn't believe it.
DING! DING! DING!
Beautifully said. 
_____________________________
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/18/2009 10:56:39 AM
|
|
|
EclecticJoy
Posts: 14171
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Here . . . but subject to change; stay tuned
Status: offline
|
I agree . . . but, how is that healthy?
(and Maggie & Tink, I'm not saying that y'all are saying that is healthy).
Regardless of what the validation is (in this specific instance, a woman's weight), if someone truly doesn't believe what is being told to them, what's the point in the other person saying it?
At what point does expecting someone else to validate something about oneself (of which they don't believe) becomes ineffective? At what point does it actually become manipulative? And at what point does it then begin to drive a wedge between the two people in such relationship?
Compliments and validations are absolutely wonderful; in fact, I cherish when someone gives me a real compliment; regardless of what the compliment is.
But compliments and validations are wonderful only if they (a) are sincerely given and (b) graciously and sincerely received. If either one of the elements is missing, then it's really just empty words and do not mean anything.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Also, I really don't think the topic here is whether anyone responding agrees or disagrees as to whether or not 150 pounds on a 5'0" woman is overweight. In that regard, I agree with catlady . . . some people carry weight differently; and going by just the weight is not enough data to make such a decision.
Additionally, regardless of what any of us personally think about that weight with that height, the crux of it all is the low self-esteem that Scott's fiancé appears to be operating under.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Going back to the first part of this post . . .
Beauty truly does come from within; even physically beauty . . . and knowing one is beautiful also truly does come from within.
If a person wants to lose weight or needs to lose weight, until they decide that they are going to lose weight for themselves, they're not going to have much success. Either they will not lose any weight at all, or they will lose weight and then possibly gain even more back.
I would think that the first thing such a person would need to do is to work on their self-esteem, or at least simultaneously work on that while striving to lose weight. To not address one's self-esteem but only the weight is analogous to putting a band-aid on gaping and profusely bleeding wound.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Personally, I find it extremely tiring to listen to someone who repeatedly talks about an area in their life that needs improving, yet they don't do anything to garner such improvement. There comes a point when, if someone keeps talking about the problem; i.e., how overweight they are, but then doesn't do anything to combat that, then I find it difficult to be around them because their constant expectation for me to refute that they're overweight (or looking to me to be their "conscience") is quite burdensome and, frankly, annoying.
edited: goofy typo
< Message edited by WhiteRoseBlessings -- 9/18/2009 11:11:36 AM >
_____________________________
I'm really Sharon-Marie. Really I am!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/18/2009 11:27:14 AM
|
|
|
agapetos
Posts: 9903
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: This side of the lil duck pond!
Status: offline
|
quote:
A cool way to see if a person is overweight or underweight is to calculate a Body Mass Index. With respect... that is a tool that can help determine whether a person is under or overweight. Many of these tools shouldn't be used as a standalone.
Might I suggest that your lady has a check up to ensure there are no underlying medical conditions which are affecting her weight?
quote:
What we have talked about is diet, she has a pile if low cal cooking books in her kitchen… but she is on the typical American high carb diet… she LOVES bread, rice, pasta, potatoes… I have told her she doesn’t have to stop eating such things but just cut back. I agree. It's not necessarily what a person eats, but the amount a person eats. It may be worth looking at switching to wholegrain bread, brown rice and pasta too.
quote:
I live on an 80/20 rule, I eat healthy 80% of the time but allow myself to indulge in fatty/bad food 20% of the time. That's a pretty good rule to follow...
I wonder if she'd be prepared to write a food diary? Not necessarily to show anyone but to look at where she can perhaps make changes to her diet. One thing that many people do is skip meals. It's really a bad idea to do that as it messes with the metabolism. Some people divide their meals into 6 small meals, others into 3 meals and 3 snacks. The important thing is to eat regularly. A food diary can show that and show if there are times that someone grabs for something because it is quick and easy. The longer one can be kept for, the better, but at least a week really.
It may also be worth her seeing a dietitian to get help with looking at her diet and where she can make changes to it. I've seen several dietitians and they've all been very positive and worked with me and set achieveable goals (instead of simply telling me what food I should/shouldn't be eating).
_____________________________
Stovie, Stovie, what am I going to do with you!
Maggie
September 09
My blog
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/18/2009 11:50:20 AM
|
|
|
Elena1030
Posts: 2573
Joined: 6/21/2006
From: Music City, USA
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: agapetos
quote:
A cool way to see if a person is overweight or underweight is to calculate a Body Mass Index. With respect... that is a tool that can help determine whether a person is under or overweight. Many of these tools shouldn't be used as a standalone.
Might I suggest that your lady has a check up to ensure there are no underlying medical conditions which are affecting her weight?
quote:
What we have talked about is diet, she has a pile if low cal cooking books in her kitchen… but she is on the typical American high carb diet… she LOVES bread, rice, pasta, potatoes… I have told her she doesn’t have to stop eating such things but just cut back. I agree. It's not necessarily what a person eats, but the amount a person eats. It may be worth looking at switching to wholegrain bread, brown rice and pasta too.
quote:
I live on an 80/20 rule, I eat healthy 80% of the time but allow myself to indulge in fatty/bad food 20% of the time. That's a pretty good rule to follow...
I wonder if she'd be prepared to write a food diary? Not necessarily to show anyone but to look at where she can perhaps make changes to her diet. One thing that many people do is skip meals. It's really a bad idea to do that as it messes with the metabolism. Some people divide their meals into 6 small meals, others into 3 meals and 3 snacks. The important thing is to eat regularly. A food diary can show that and show if there are times that someone grabs for something because it is quick and easy. The longer one can be kept for, the better, but at least a week really.
It may also be worth her seeing a dietitian to get help with looking at her diet and where she can make changes to it. I've seen several dietitians and they've all been very positive and worked with me and set achieveable goals (instead of simply telling me what food I should/shouldn't be eating).
Good points.
Scott,
If your fiance decides that she wants to do something about her weight, here are some ideas:
This is what has worked for me in the past. I've done First Place at my church (10 years ago), and I'm doing an at-work Weight Watchers group right now. The structures and tools of programs only work if you work the program.
Program that includes educating the group members about nutrition, cooking healthy, making wise choices in social situations and when eating out, and more (First Place included Bible studies)
Regular exercise - 10 years ago I lost weight by going to the Y every workday during lunch break - I walked the treadmill and sometimes did the recumbent bike
Definitely a food diary/journal (I find Weight Watchers's system of keeping up with the information, much easier than counting calories.)
The support, encouragement, and accountability of weekly group meetings and weigh-ins
Learning about portion sizes and how to judge them
Acquiring techniques for making healthier choices when in a not-ideal setting
Strategies for dealing with the emotional/mental components
You could commit with your fiance to doing such a program (or designing your own) together, or you could help her pay for it. (She needs to at least pay for part - reinforces the commitment.) And then both of you work the plan.
_____________________________
Prayer thread for singles who desire to marry someday
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/18/2009 12:14:44 PM
|
|
|
laura...
Posts: 3305
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Scottinla57
First off, I love my fiancé just the way she is, I’m perfectly happy with her size… and I tell her that.
However, she is constantly complaining about her weight… she claims to be 50 lbs over weight… which I find hard to believe because I guess she is around 150lbs and I can’t imagine she is that far over.
I just worry about her self esteem because it obviously bothers her… and she has back and knee pain plus if she is carrying that much extra weigh it can’t be good for her health in general.
But here is the problem… for us men talking to out ladies about their weight is a mine field… we usually retreat to the safe “I love just the way you are” and other such non committal statements.
So what to do? I try to gently encourage her to eat better but I am afraid of making her feel even worse about her weight.
My lovely is in her mid forties, teen daughter, around five feet tall, about one fifty pounds.
HELP!!!
Here's my suggestion... say nothing about her weight period. Do not suggest how she can lose weight. Do not point out to her how she should change her eating habits. Why? Because you are right -- it is a mine field.
When she complains to you about her weight say, "I love you. I love your body." Don't add, "just as it is" or "it looks good to me." Just keep it a simple "I love your body." Let her know frequently that you are attracted to her and that you think she's sexy without any reference at all to her size or weight.
When/if she sticks to a diet and loses some weight, tell her how proud you are of her for accomplishing a very difficult task -- sticking to a diet. Keep your words of encouragement focused on her self-control not on her weight loss. Focus on her added energy and all the other added benefits of losing weight. You can compliment her on the amount of weight but don't say stuff that would lead her to believe that she is more attractive to you after losing weight than before losing weight.
You need to keep it clear that you are attracted to her because of who she is not what she weighs.
The best you can do is give her the security of your love and your desire for her. Her self esteem is something she will need to find for herself in the Lord.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/18/2009 12:32:06 PM
|
|
|
agapetos
Posts: 9903
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: This side of the lil duck pond!
Status: offline
|
^^Someone give that post some stars!
_____________________________
Stovie, Stovie, what am I going to do with you!
Maggie
September 09
My blog
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My lady has a few extra pounds, what to do? - 9/18/2009 2:39:10 PM
|
|
|
rebakahblam
Posts: 1356
Joined: 12/6/2008
From: Indianapolis
Status: offline
|
quote:
^^Someone give that post some stars!
DITTO! DITTO! DITTO!
-reba.
_____________________________
<<<<can't nobody pull off aviators like i can.
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
He stood her in front of a mirror in the nude and made her look at herself, and he pointed out that he sees every bit of her... and loves her just the same. 
seriously.... 
