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RE: Musings and Stuff - 10/23/2009 10:36:49 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
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Back to the journal
April 8/06
Thank you, Lord, for loving me and promising never to leave me or forsake me. I need the comfort that gives today. This smoking thing is getting me down. Feeling rather down today. Not going to church tomorrow. I still get tired easily and break out into sweats at the least exertion; didn’t figure it would be too good to sit at reception coughing my guts out and sweating like a pig. E called and thanked me for the stuff I e-mailed; then called again to chat (so-so). Then H stopped by around 4:00 and stayed till after 6:00 PM. Nice of her to drop by. DD didn’t drop by today. Don’t have the energy to go on any rants about anything (even though it might help). Lord, I’m going to hold on, no matter what.
April 9/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day; good study day; for making me think; for working through what I studied and read today; for DD agreeing to go to Mom’s on Thursday night, that Mom sounds OK today, that G reached out and called (even though I found it tough going after a while); that I feel better today; that you hold the world in your hands; that You are who You are; for people like J who sends me neat stuff on the internet. Help me to see and remember all your blessings instead of grasping on the bad stuff so easily. I thank you that so much has changed through your power and love.
April 12/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day; for a good time of fellowship at Break for Him; for E & E’s thoughtfulness; that Mom sounded OK today. Lord, I pray that our visit with Mom tomorrow will go well; that you will give me direction as to whether I should start a small group at home; whether I should offer to study with S on the phone.
Mom advised that no one is coming to give Dad a bath this week. S (social worker) hasn’t called her back, but has spoken to DB. DB dropped in for a little while to day and gave Mom the message; there was also no advice as to when or if someone will be coming again. I think Mom is somewhat put out that S won’t call her back. I didn’t want to go there. I suspect Mom is on a “bad client” list and no one does want to go there. I have no idea in what manner Mom told the lady off last week about the water being too hot. For once, Mom has a valid reason to be upset, but I fear that her prior reputation is going to make it very difficult/impossible to get people willing to come. Supposedly S is trying to arrange to have Dad tested/assessed, but we don’t know when that will take place. SIL has had to have her cast replaced and I gather the new one is not very comfortable and of course, they are so busy finishing up at her Mom’s house so they are on a real merry-go-round.
April 14/06
Went to Mom’s yesterday for her birthday. She was real happy. I just ended up feeling like a real heel. Thank goodness for DD. Oh, Lord, I don’t know why I feel so disconnected from Mom, so impatient. Mom was so happy today, with the flowers, with DD’s gift. It struck me yesterday that Mom in some ways is in worse shape than Dad. And then I go and do things which are just like her and I know DD sees it. DD and SIL are to come for supper next Saturday.
Today I spent in worship and prayer. The wonderful gift, the excruciating sacrifice which Jesus made seems more amazing the longer I walk on this path.
Dear Lord, you are so precious to me and yet I have so far to go to be more like you. I know I will never be really like you until we get to heaven. So much goes through my mind; trouble with accepting myself, being down on myself, trying NOT to be down on myself; trying to be kind, simply not feeling kind or loving. If it’s pity is that sinful? I can’t say I feel all sorts of love for my fellow Christians yet I am probably more loving and less critical that I was a couple of years ago. I know it’s a journey, nothing happens all at once. I seem to have got off track this evening. E called; then my computer started acting funny; now its 9:47 PM and I feel like my evening has been “wrecked”. I wanted to write about the joy of today and then do my own thing. What a control freak! Someone called this evening but I don’t think I can get to my second line on the phone upstairs; called DS, but it wasn’t him. Well, the evening is spent and it is what it is.
April 15/06
Dear Lord, I just don’t understand why things happen. Lord, is this Satan’s work? I don’t even know how to pray for sometimes. I can’t imagine what the big picture is here. I feel vaguely afraid. How can we see things from your perspective? I thank you Lord for keeping me and my children safe. Is this where the “fear” of the Lord comes in? How can this “fear” inspire faith and love? Tomorrow represents the day you arose; this is what its all about. Sometimes I wonder why we have to go on; why can’t we just go home to heaven? Will we truly understand some day? Or will we just not care about understanding anymore. Things can get so confusing. Dear Lord, I believe; help me believe more.
April 16/06
Praise the Lord! Christ is risen! Wonderful sermon; 6 baptisms. I called S today about studying on the phone. The Lord must be leading; she has been thinking about the same thing. Thank you Lord.
April 17/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day; good study of John 14; good sleep; got my taxes done (basically nothing equals nothing); Mom sounded OK. DB called. He thinks we should get Mom assessed at the same time as Dad. I agree; hope Mom will agree. He said these people sound very very nice, very understanding. They only deal with difficult situations like Mom & Dad’s. Dwayne is going to phone Mom and sound her out. They will be coming for Dad on Wednesday from 10:00 to Noon. I pray that Mom will go along with this. Dwayne said he had a good talk with Mom last Wednesday; she had given up the idea of staying in the house. He said it was the best conversation they had had for a long time.
E called; I don't know how they live with all this drama all the time. Not to diminish it at all, but it takes a lot out of me just to listen to her telling me about it. Somehow they've all learned a very disfunctional way of relating to one another and so alot of it I think is just habit.
I told E that perhaps whatever problems there are between the daughters can best be worked out between themselves without her part in it. I told her (again) that she is being disappointed because her expectations are not reasonable. Sometimes I get really frustrated by what E does to herself. Its that old control thing. Lord, I pray that the Holy Spirit will give me the words to say. I don’t know how I got into this position of advice giver.
< Message edited by Bountiful -- 10/23/2009 10:44:01 PM >
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 10/27/2009 10:56:18 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline
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April 18/06
Thank you, Lord, for this day; for my time with C (she is teaching me so much, but its taken me a while to figure that out); that Mom has agreed to be assessed tomorrow; for patience to deal with E, for your Word, your presence and your love.
Had about 6 calls from E today. I have to admit, I’m played out from all this too. L e-mailed me and requested that I explain about the Holy Spirit. I hope what I sent her helps.
April 19/06
Thank you, Lord for the wonderful day. All blessing and praise to your Holy Name. Great fellowship at our finale for Break For Him. Really enjoyed talking to F. God answered prayer; Mom was really happy with the people who came out to assess them. Praise you, Lord.
Also got reply from K at CCN; very nice fellow. The DVD’s of those two sessions we missed are on their way to me. I called L and advised her of same. They seem a little flaky on some stuff. Like they seem to be worrying about the stuff for this fall. I said I didn’t see how this could conflict with it in any way. Any help or training we can get is a bonus. I guess D is postponing a planning meeting re the fall which is making it difficult for D and others to plan. Oh the joys of working together.
April 20/06
Thank you, Lord, for this day; for a good nights sleep; for C who took me to the bank etc., for her help and J’s; that Mom sounded happy today; that P called; for your Word, for your faithfulness and love.
E and E dropped by tonight and dropped off the stuff I am going to type for them. They want to pay me but I don’t know if I will accept. Planning to invite my ladies for the group; we’ll see how things go.
P and I agree that the leadership stuff is not going as well as it could be, kind of flaky and disjointed. I realize it’s easy to criticize; L has 2 kids to look after (& a puppy) and D works. Personally, I don’t believe in taking something on unless I know I can and will do it, but then I’m very anal. I don’t know how P has the patience to do all she does without much cooperation from others. The Lord has certainly blessed her with patience and kindness and grace. It was really nice that she invited me to their small group.
April 21/06
Thank you, Lord, for providing the strength to accomplish what I did today; for the good sleep last night and this morning, that Mom sounds good, for E’s compliment, for your Word, for You, dear Lord.
Did about an hour’s work on E & E’s stuff last night. This will all probably take more time than I thought, but that’s OK. J e-mailed that she would like to attend the small group. Got a hold of R too. Dear Lord, you are so good, so kind, you want so much the best for your children. All thanks, praise and exaltation to your Holy Name. I pray that tomorrow will go well too; dinner will turn out; DS will be able to come, everyone will get along.
April 22/06
Thank you, Lord, for this day; that Mom shared her devotional with me, that dinner turned out good, that I had a nice visit with DD and SIL. Lord, I pray for the Holy Spirit’s leading as I begin studying with S.
April 23/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day, sunshine, worship at church, good sermon, good friends, and above all you, Lord.
S e-mailed me today about Job 1 & 2. I sent her a rather long reply. I don’t know how this is going to go. Job is hard. I finally told her I would love her to introduce her to the God whom I love and who loves me unconditionally. I’m keeping all of our e-mails. I left a PS at the end “I may end up writing a book after all”. Dear Holy Spirit, guide the journey that S and I are on. Fill me with the wisdom and discernment I need to draw Susan to you.
Elaine called last night and talked for over an hour but there wasn’t much being said. If my group gets going and my time with S stays intense (plus doing the typing for E & E), I’m going to have to cut back on her phone calls again. I don’t like to do it, but frankly hours on the telephone are just not me. But I pray that the Lord will lead.
April 25/06
Thank you, Lord, for this day, for the sunshine, for fellowship with C, for your love and faithfulness.
Mom shared another devotional with me today.
E called at 9:00 AM, 1:00 PM and 5:00 PM. The first 2 all about E being depressed yesterday and the last one about his conversation with T. During the last call she thanked me for being there for her. I didn’t say too much because honestly sometimes it is very hard. She didn’t fall for T ’s ploy, she just kept quiet and didn’t take the hint. I praised her for that and that encouraged her.
Calling all the ladies tonight about small group. Looks like I have to shut down the computer because I keep getting messages that something is trying to connect. Maybe it will go away. Still feeling a little uptight today. Finally had to shut computer down because those annoying messages kept popping up. Hopefully that does the trick.
April 27/06
Thank you, Lord, for a great day; for the sunshine, the lovely temperature, that Mom’s shot at the pain clinic has her feeling just great today; for my study time, the good seminar this evening and always You.
No call from E today either. Nice quiet day. I even managed to download McAfee anti-spy ware to my desktop! Irony - The leadership seminars go back to Tuesday’s starting next month. I had a good chuckle with P on that one; telling her about my group on Tuesday evenings. Oh well; we can either change to Wednesdays or Mondays for one week or skip a week a month.
April 28/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day, for your wonderful Word and my study time today, for a quiet day, that Mom is OK (even though not quite as up as yesterday). I pray that the Holy Spirit will work through me as I speak to S (in about 15 min).
E called; a mutual friend of ours tells E a story about a custory case that goes bad, so of course E is all uptight. I wonder what in the world this so called friend thought telling this story to E would do? Encourage her? Scare her? You would think that she would know better. Yes, I agree that our courts are scary; there is no telling what some judge will do. Is this a Christian attitude? I don’t know what to say to that. I would think that concern for the grandson would be what Christ would want. Their whole situation raises so many questions that only God can answer and its unlikely we will ever know the answers here on earth. Sometimes I don’t know what to tell her. Most of the time I don’t know what to tell her. At least I could cut the conversation short because I had to call S.
I wonder what SisIL thinks about DB and DS going into business. It will be a very busy summer and she will be alone a lot. I wonder how that will affect what is happening with Mom & Dad as well.
April 29/06
Thank you, Lord for this day, for your beautiful prayer in John 17 and the opportunity to study it, for your love and acceptance of me despite myself.
Mom called so thrilled with the flowers I gave her; she finally had to throw them out but really thinks the little pail is so cute. I’m so glad; God must have helped me pick them, because I sure don’t know flowers.
S still wants to keep at Job. Her copy of the Message doesn’t have the wonderful introduction mine has. We will review mine as we go along.
Feel pretty rough today. Not very restful sleep. Dragged out; a little depressed. I wish I could quit this smoking. I don’t want to get into it because then I’ll really be in a lousy mood. Sent 1st draft to E & E. Don’t know yet if it will go through well.
It was so nice to see C and R and the kids outside this afternoon. A really likes activity; J has grown a couple of inches. Lord, thank you for them. I will sure miss them when they move.
April 30/06
Thank you, Lord, for this day, for the good sermon, for my study time, for You.
Still feeling a little tense. I feel really pulled on today. G wanted to go out for supper; she may drop by. E called; they want to drop by and pay me and pick up the originals (I kind of hinted I would be busy until after Tuesday); DB called; our church was on TV (about DaVinci Code), then SIL wanted to talk. These things should make me feel cared for but some days I just feel emptied out; like people want more from me than I have. I know that God provides - even this kind of strength. C was in church today; talked to her briefly because I had to go on reception. Perhaps I’m just a little stressed about the group starting on Tuesday and don’t want to admit it. Also, I have my mammogram tomorrow AM at 9:00. I pray, Lord, for strength to get through all this with kindness and love.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 10/31/2009 10:35:42 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline
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May 1/06
Thank you, Lord, for giving me peace today. Pretty uptight at first, but God is so good and so faithful. My quiet time brought a sense of peace and quietness. DS dropped by for a little bit (another little loan – made a deal for the lawn). G called; wanted to go out for supper; I said I had already taken supper out. E & E stopped by, visited for about 1 ½ hours; were very kind; gave me $150.00 for the work I did. I was tempted to not accept it because I really didn’t do it for payment, but it was nice to get anyway. Lord, I pray for Mom as she goes to see the oncologist tomorrow morning; I pray that everything will be all right, that the cancer hasn’t come back; that Dad will be good for M who is taking Dad for a chest X-ray. And I pray, Lord, that tomorrow will be a good day; my time with C and the evening group; that the Holy Spirit will work through me, that we will have a good time of fellowship.
May 3/06
Thank you Lord for so much; that the first evening of the group went so well; that you gave me the thought to call everyone tonight and thank them for coming; that things were OK with G (although she seemed somewhat troubled); for my time with C today; for your Word. I pray that I will listen to your leading; that next week I will make time for prayer; will talk less and let the ladies talk more. The video was really good; very instructive without being too scholarly, lots of interesting views of the Holy Land. Forgive me, Lord, for getting uptight and worrying; I must learn to rest on your strength and wisdom. I pray that I will lead this group with your glory and honor as the motive, that I will not make myself proud, that I can joyously share your Word with others and perhaps even get them to read the Bible more. All blessing and praise and exhalation to your Holy Name. Praise the Lord.
May 4/06
Thank you, Lord, for your presence; for your strength to listen to E 4 times today, for being patient with Mom; for Mom’s forgiveness for being testy last night; for my study time, for being the wonderful Awesome God that you are.
Sometimes I feel so stretched. I must have spent a total of 3 or more hours on the phone with E today. It’s getting so I don’t know what to say. A part of me understands how helpless, fed up, tired etc. she must feel. But another part of me doesn’t know what to say. No one can guarantee what the future holds; her only peace and strength must come from God. I encouraged her to tell God exactly how she feels, not to ask for anything, just be as real as she can in God’s presence. Unfortunately, she did this with A around; she started to cry and that made A upset.
I also told her I felt bad giving her advice because no doubt something will happen in my life where I may feel as she does and I don’t know how I will react. I’m sure that I will have future “whys” in my relationship with God. I wouldn’t like anyone giving me platitudes or quoting verses to me so I don’t like doing it to her. I’m starting to think that I’m just no good at listening; I don’t know how to just listen. You have to say something, but what? I can’t really say I understand, because obviously I haven’t lived through what she is going through. She knows that she and her family are in my prayers, so even saying I will pray for her is kind of redundant.
Lord, I don’t know why you have brought some of these people into my life, E, G, C, even M hve been down recently. I admit I have selfish feelings about this; I want someone to listen to ME, to feel sorry for ME. I know God knows my heart; he loves me like no one else ever could love me and that should be more than enough; I know it will be. But I have to be honest here. I don’t necessarily want people to think I’m the strong one; I’d like to be weak and lean on someone else’s shoulder more. But I also know that it’s me that holds me back from picking up the phone and sharing with someone. This is pride and its got to go! I also have to learn to accept; that’s hard for me, to accept someone doing something for me. Again, pride and self-sufficiency. Lord, help me to know how to open up, take the chance of depending on others, even though its likely they will let me down. Lord, I do want to serve you. I thank you for the changes your love has made to me. I hardly ever swear, I have more patience, I have more compassion, I know that I am loved and cherished. I know life is a journey. Maybe this tearful session is God’s way of helping me to release some of the stress I feel from trying to serve. I know what I do must be done in God’s strength, not my own and perhaps its another lesson reminding me that I have to depend on HIM, not on myself. Thank you Lord. I love you.
May 5/06
Reading the book “In the Pursuit of Holiness” I was somewhat troubled; he doesn’t say anything wrong, I hope I strive to be like that, but its so dogmatic, it gives me shivers, like when I was a child and felt it was hopeless for me to be that good. Yet God knows our hearts, he knows we will fail and will forgive us if we truly repent.
May 6/06
Thank you, Lord, for this day, for being the wonderful, awesome God you are. You are my Savior, my Shepherd, my Counselor, my Friend, my Stronghold, my Refuge, my Light, my Strength. I’m sorry I don’t look to you as often as I should.
Today was kind of tough. Very uptight. The Dessert Night was fine. I really couldn’t get into it. I must be DT called today. The last telecast didn’t come through. He had a meeting put into the bulletin for next Saturday (same day as the Mother’s Day lunch). Obviously, HE DIDN’T check the recording FIRST. I advised him I thought he should have an announcement made tomorrow (Sunday) canceling. I said people aren’t going to keep coming if there is nothing to come for. He kind of suggested just discussing stuff, but I don’t think that is going to go over well. I confirmed I hadn’t received the DVD’s from CCN. He said he would call K from CCN and see if he can get them delivered. He is not very well organized. You would think that he would check the tapes BEFORE setting meetings. I know he must be busy, but I find it hard to believe he can’t get to the church for this. He has been at church numerous times; why didn’t he check? He seems to like doing things by the seat of his pants, but why do it that way when you can plan. I’m going to ask him soon whether he has actually reviewed the stuff we are going to be doing this fall. If not, I am going to strongly suggest that he give it to me. I think I better talk to P about this. Part of me just wants to keep my mouth shut. If I open it too much, I will end up doing it and I am not prepared for that; its too hard and too expensive without a vehicle.
Oh, dear Lord, please help me not to be so critical; or to learn how to be constructively critical.
S left a message that she wants me to call earlier tomorrow. Whatever.
May 7/07
Dear Lord, thank you for getting me through this day. It should be one of joy. Bad news at church; our finances are not good. Pastor D looks like he’s ready for a breakdown.
I got uptight with DS because he was late for supper. Spent a fair bit of time crying. Yet when I sat down to study God’s Word after supper, I felt much better. The chapter in Barton’s book was really what I needed and my silent time with God was comforting.
Thank you Lord for seeing me through my discussion with S. She may not be “born again” but I think she has more faith that I do. And here I am being a baby over nothing. Mom was sweet too and prayed for me. Lord, you are faithful; you will never give up on me and I’m not letting go of You either. Thank you and bless you.
May 8/08
Oh, Precious Lord, thank you for your many blessings, your faithfulness, your mercies which are new every morning, for sending Dr. L into my life, for a much better day.
Whether Dr. L knows it or not, I believe he is my mentor. He is always so encouraging, helps me to see things from a different perspective. He understands the ups and downs and ins and outs of leadership and is so encouraging. He said part of the problem is Christians avoid leadership in a sense, because they don’t think its very Christlike or something. And most people today abandon standards because they are too much trouble; they want to be “liked”, they are not concerned about respect. L thinks that E and G take what I say because they need someone to set standards. They are too caught up in keeping everyone “happy” with the loss of imparting standards and taking a stand. I view it as irresponsibility. Love includes doing the hard stuff, not just the nice or fun stuff. I must learn how to make my criticism positive, not negative, an encouragement, not a judgment. Part of me feels guilty because I would probably be offended by someone saying to me the things I say to these 2 ladies. It’s not that I’m right all the time (obviously not), but somewhere I developed strong standards about some things.
I’m thinking about talking to P because I don’t know if I should be honest with G or not. Also I want to thank her for her invitation to be her guest at the Mother’s Day Lunch. She is so kind. I’m really not in the mood for this stuff. When there are too many women talking about shopping, fashions, decorating, children, recipes, husbands, grandchildren, I feel like I opened the wrong door or landed on the wrong planet. I did my share of these things, but obviously it was just that “season” in my life. I don’t have a natural inclination to be domestic or Martha Stewart. I don’t mind talking about these things sometimes, one on one or in a smaller group (occasionally), but this is just not my cup of tea.
I called G last night and apologized; she was worried she had said or done something to upset me. I assured her it was not her fault and I was sorry I had caused her to feel that way. I didn’t feel that I could talk to her about what is bothering me about her on the phone; so now I have to decide whether I should be honest with her or not. I pray the Lord will forgive me if this was being dishonest (which, of course, it was, in a way), but the phone is not the place for those kinds of things. I truly don’t want to hurt her, but I think she is hurting herself and her children and grandchildren but not keeping a set of standards. At bottom, I think she is desperately lonely and really, it’s a way to avoid thinking her problem through. We all do this at one time or another, but running away from it isn’t going to help.
We’re in real trouble financially with the church. I certainly don’t have the answers. I’m sure the elders are worried about it. Maybe I’m wrong, but I sense a real tendency to avoid getting “ugly” or “real” about issues. Being “authentic” sounds good, but is really very difficult. As members, I think we should be part of the dialogue; that communication has to increase. I think they have to finally admit that this congregation is not going to be able to get out of this. Whoever is doing the “demographic” is looking through rose colored glasses. There are quite a few single parents and/or one income families; those in the forces obviously aren’t rich. I don’t know where they think this money is going to come from. I can’t help but ask the question “What is God trying to tell us here?” I don’t know what it is, but perhaps we should try to be open to that aspect, not so much pray for money or a rescue, but pray for discernment and hearts and minds open to God’s will. We are all subject to pride, but I think its time to swallow that pride, face the facts and take our medicine, no matter what that is.
Pastor D has put all his adult life into this church and no doubt it is a big part of who he is. But he may have to let go and see that he is more than just this church. Unless the church inherits a couple of million, I can’t see us getting out of the financial mess we are in. Then I guess we have to deal with the faith issue. It’s one thing to have faith; it’s another to face up to the fact that perhaps God has other plans.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 11/3/2009 10:31:02 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline
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May 10/06
Lord, there are no words to describe your wonderful leading and support yesterday. My silence and solitude are teaching me how true that is; that You and Your relationship with me cannot be confined to words. Praise and blessing to the Savior of my life; exaltation to his Holy Name.
Phoned P to thank her for her invitation to the luncheon; tried to explain that sometimes these kinds of things weren’t my cup of tea. I told her about my frustration and irritation with G and asked her to pray for wisdom and compassion in dealing with her. She encouraged me to be honest with her. I also told her of my frustrations with D and she advised it would probably be best to let its run its course. I will take her advice. I gather that the planning for this fall is not going very quickly (I suggested that I didn’t think D had even read the materials yet even though he has had them for almost a year). On Tuesday L was going to a meeting with the staff to the Beverly Alliance who has done this course. Hopefully that will get the ball rolling. I guess there is no money in the budget for it either. I said I thought that by this time 2 years ago, there had been hints and tidbits about the 40 days of purpose to interest people for the fall and thought we should be doing the same thing. I was willing to review the materials and see what I could come up with but this is when she suggested I should just leave it be. We discussed the difficulties at church. We both agree that we should be praying for discernment to hear what God wants us to do, what he is trying to teach us here, instead of just praying for “money” to rescue us.
Then in the afternoon L called; she is really sick with the flu/cold. She didn’t think she would be able to make it. She said I was still depressed and didn’t sound like she would be coming either. She suggested that I call I (not telling her I had spoken with L). I had barely gotten off the phone with L when Iris called to advise she probably wouldn’t come. I told her I understood how a rainy day combined with depression can be really hard; it’s easier just to stay in. I was prone to that feeling myself. But I said that’s all the more reason to come. I said we would have a good time of fellowship; there was even lemon cake to remind us of the sun. She said she was going to lie down for a nap and would think about it. I prayed, asked L to pray and when Mom called I asked her to pray too, that I would come. I called J and she was planning to come. Then G called and sounded happy to be coming. Then later in the afternoon G called, all upset; K had been unbearably hurtful, K even hit her. G had finally had enough. Obviously with K being at dance class G either wouldn’t come or would be late. I suggested that she come when she could and she could stay later and we would talk about it. I then phoned P and asked for prayer for this evening; Between I and G I really needed the Lord’s leading.
I prayed much the rest of the afternoon. I played some hymns on the piano and the Lord was speaking to me through them as well; “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms” and some other hymns. There was a verse from Bless Be the Ties that was so good; about sharing our burdens and sharing a sympathetic tear which I read to the ladies.
I DID come, L too, J and S. Really good episode of the tape. G showed up just as we were starting the questions. She had calmed down and was happy to participate. I thought we had a good discussion. Seeing Masada helped to appreciate the infinite magnitude of God’s power as stronghold, fortress and refuge.
After the others left G and I sat down. She has a very forgiving spirit and would probably have been willing to let the incident go. I told her that I had been feeling a real burden on my heart with respect to how K treats her. She admitted during the conversation that she thinks suffering this disrespect, being taken for granted and bearing the pain of mistreatment is something a Christian should do. I said “no”, God wants us to set standards. It’s our responsibility to do so. Just as God is not so interested in making us happy, but better children of God, so too, as parents/grandparents, our job is to teach the young people to respect others and to be responsible. She admits that none of her children treats her with respect. I brought to her attention the fact that in prior conversations, one reason she spends so much money on them is being it makes her feel good. I said she was obviously trying to fill an empty place inside her and quite frankly, it was not doing her children or grandchildren any good. They don’t appreciate what she does for them and have learned to just expect that she will pay for everything. J also seems to think she should be available 24/7 for her convenience. She shouldn’t be giving up her life to make J’s easier. J should be “asking” whether she will sit, not just assuming she will be there. M should get his licence (finally); on Tuesdays, he should go pick up the car from J after work (even take the “bus”; OH NO!) and do whatever has to be done to take K to dance class etc and can go pick J up later. It should not be G’s problem. She has made it so easy for them, they have no idea how to take care of their own lives.
I told Gloria that while K may get sick occasionally, she is often faking it and J, instead of dealing with it, just gives in because you're available. I inquired as to whether K had ever gone a whole month without missing any school. She thought about it and said “oh I think during a few periods”. Considering her memory, I figure that would be rare. K really wants more attention from her mom and dad. G is the one providing attention, but K is taking it out on her. It may be understandable, but this is not an excuse for her disgusting behavior. I brought to G’s attention K behavior the other Sunday, interrupting G’s conversation to put her down; about how she looks around to make sure others are noticing her. I said K treats her like a second class slave. G had to admit that J is often disrespectful to her as well (which is obviously where K gets the idea its OK). She then tries to excuse things; J was a nice person until she met …..; S was a nice person until he got involved with …… I told her she had an excuse for everything; it was always somebody else’s fault. Her kids are all in their 30’s; when are they going to take responsibility for their own lives? By rescuing them all the time, she is probably getting in God’s way; he’s probably trying to teach them something but she interrupts the process. It’s OK to help your family but not to completely try to shield them from life. They are not learning anything and to top it off, they don’t appreciate what she does. They all like to go shopping with her because she pays for everything; it’s assumed and taken for granted. I told her I truly did not want to hurt her, but seeing how she is treated just infuriates me. I hate seeing people being mistreated.
I don’t know if it will make any difference or not. I know how hard it is for any of us to change. She’s so desperate for their attention, she will pay for it and suffer for it. I just don’t think she’s bright enough to even get the more subtle insults and condescension. I think S must have treated her that way and really didn’t dissuade the kids from doing it. Unfortunately it’s become “normal” for her. By the time she left (11:20) I was exhausted. Amazingly, the Lord gave me a good rest as I felt pretty good today. I praise him and thank for his wonderful power and leading yesterday. I called P today to thank her for her prayers. She says the whole church situation is really hard on B and to pray that he will clearly feel God’s leading in this. I gather that what he believes God is telling him will be very difficult and hard on him. As P and I discussed on Tuesday, we need to quit pretending, put our pride aside and deal with the hard stuff. I know that’s easy for me to say, but I think I have a pretty good idea how difficult it must be. I don’t believe Pastor D is always easy to deal with and the Elders have a responsibility to support him. I pray for discernment for all involved in the decision making process; for encouragement and strength.
May 11/06
Thank you, Lord, for this day, for the sunshine, for the rest I was able to get today, for speaking to me through your Word, for all your blessings.
Nice quiet day. I was really wiped today so I went back to bed about 10:30 and didn’t get up till almost 1:30. Really needed that. Still haven’t decided about Saturday’s luncheon. Wonderful advice in Life Application Bible today; too bad I didn’t read it before I talked to G. Can’t help but wonder how G is doing, although don’t feel like I should call.
May 12/06
Thank you, Lord, for this day; for the sunshine; for speaking to me through your Word, for the lovely card from DD; that Mom shared a devotion with me.
I prayed about whether to go to the luncheon tomorrow and for some reason the part that P writes about even if you know that eating meat sacrificed to idols is OK, if it offends or hurts someone else, you shouldn’t do it. That seems like such a strange thing to think of in this case, but I believe it means that I should be gentle and not do anything to hurt G. I called P and told her I wouldn’t be coming; I said that the last G had heard from me on the subject, I was not interested in going and I was not going. Considering my conversation with G on Tuesday, seeing me there and at Pam’s table (in other words, not sitting with her) would probably hurt her. Pam tried to talk me out of this decision, but I really feel I should be considerate of G’s feelings at this point. After I talked to P I prayed that if I was fooling myself about my reasons for doing this, that God would forgive me and would help me to be honest with myself about such things. Maybe I’m just being selfish or am afraid of dealing with an awkward situation, but I believe that if she walks in and sees me there she will assume we will sit together. And being P’s guest would open the question of the money issue which would also insult her, because I know she would have been happy to pay for my ticket (money is really not the issue for me). Although I have to concede that if she is bringing K, she may prefer to NOT sit with me considering how I feel about her.
After the last 18-19 months with G and I sitting together at church functions, I can’t help but think she would find this definitely meaningful and not in a good way. While I want to distance myself somewhat, I don’t want to be cruel. And since she will be babysitting her grandkids for years to come and I am into the leadership training stuff, we will just naturally spend less time together. I also want to give her “wiggle room” in how she deals with me. If she ignores me on Sunday, that’s OK, I can deal with that (it’s also possible she may go to a Catholic church on Sunday if J agrees to go). I just think that I should be careful of not doing anything to overtly hurt her over the next few weeks (I manage to do that without trying, so that the least I can do is try to be nice).
Sounds like DD will probably take me for lunch on Sunday (I hope she doesn’t feel pressured to do this; I should be more careful what I say, not that I asked her to, but when she told me about the proposed trip to see her dad, I playfully whined “what, I won’t even get to see you this weekend?”). That’s why I left a message thanking her for the card, trying to leave this in her hands. Talked to DS about a computer problem, hinted about the yardwork including the ploy of using Mother’s Day. Not my greatest moments I guess. He didn’t seem offended by it though. I should quit being so pathetic!!
May 14/06
Thank you, Lord, for this day, for your Word, for a nice lunch with DD, that DS did the lawn, that Mom seemed OK, that DB called, that G seemed OK with me.
Oh Boy! E calls; had a good time last night and good day. Then she starts in on her friend L and her adult children who are also idiots i.e. 2 illegitimate children from one (in her thirties); they bailed her out a lot and here we go again. It is getting really hard to listen to this stuff. Then guess what? The phone rings, I use it as an excuse to get off the line and its G!! She wants to drop by on her way home from Scott’s. It is now 11:26 PM and I’m tired of listening. Lord, what is it you are trying to teach me here? Am I being uncompassionate? I appreciate my children, truly. I’m so glad they haven’t put me through this kind of stuff. Anyway, enough for today.
May 17/06
Praise the Lord, may your Holy Name be exalted in heaven and on earth. Thank you for blessing me by allowing me to be of service. L sent me a couple of e-mails today which were so encouraging. I need to open myself more to receive what people want to give me and this dear lady is teaching me that. I felt really good after our meeting and I pray that we will be able to support and encourage her. Lord, you are so wonderful, so powerful, to full of wisdom and understanding, we cannot begin to fathom the magnitude of your attributes. I appreciate and love you more each day.
I thank you too for C, her kindness, the good time we spent watching the video which we are using in the Tuesday night group.
Thank you, Lord that E didn’t call yesterday and so far, not today (oops, she just called, but amazingly, it was short).
Mom had quite a day, too much going on, upsetting for Dad. Lord your faithfulness to your children knows no bounds. I pray that I am still at least some encouragement to her. She really misses her sister who passed away recently and the future is frightening to her.
May 18/06
Praise the Lord. Thank you for this wonderful day. So peaceful; great studying time, much gratitude to the Lord for all his blessings to me. The joy of serving him is so beautiful. I pray for humility, to always thank God for the blessing of using me for his service. It is his power at work, not mine. So many things to be grateful for; my home, my family, the sound of A and J’s voices, the sunshine, the coolness of a fan, lovely old hymns and the beautiful poetry of their lyrics; for no phone calls today (so far-7:29PM).
I pray for your leading, Lord, in this e-mail to the Elders I’m working on. I still am not sure whether I should send it or not. God has given me life, eternal life, a purpose on this earth. Sometimes our service is hard. If I am to be a committed member of Gateway, I think I should express my concerns (hopefully in a manner that is least hurtful). It’s sinful to complain behind the scenes. I’m sure that being a pastor and an Elder is very difficult and stressful. The Holy Spirit must be working in and through them. My spiritual gifts would be wasted if I didn’t use them. I don’t think I’m any genius, but by personality, inclination and training, I’m good at picking up on things, on often being aware of people’s motivations, and definitely translating PC, bureaucratic talk into plain talk. I believe that I can get to the crux of a matter, cut through the fog (oddly enough, I have a harder time doing this in my own life, but I suppose its like the doctor’s kids always being sick and the plumber always having a plumbing problem). I realize that if I do send it, problems may result. But my learning about being “authentic” and about “community” has taught me that we can’t avoid the tough stuff.
May 19/06
Thank you, Lord, for a beautiful day, cooler, for H’s visit, that Mom seems to be holding up, for your Word, for my study time, for the quietness of this day, that E’s call was short and pleasant, for learning to be more grateful, for trying to see things from a more positive view point.
Forgive me for losing my temper, help me not to have imaginary arguments in my mind. Give me direction about this Memo to the Elders; guide my every word in it. I pray for the Holy Spirit’s leading when S and I discuss the Bible tomorrow morning.
May 20/06
Praise you, my Savior and my Lord, for this wonderful cool day, for a good nights rest, for how you are teaching me through S (and hopefully the other way around as well), for my study time, for your love and presence. Was my studying in Acts part of your plan? My prayer is that I may be honest in my inmost being about the Memo I’m doing, not to put myself forward, not for my ego or anything else. Sometimes I get confused between being submissive and not acting out of fear. Satan can get at us in small insidious ways; may I be bold for YOU (not me).
I haven’t heard from E today so either there was no visit or it went well (mind you the day is not over yet).
May I always be open to the Holy Spirit’s leading and obey.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 11/3/2009 10:50:51 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline
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May 21/06
Thank you, blessed Savior for this wonderful day; sunshine, cool breeze, good sermon, good mood(!), even managed to be nice to K, good time with DS, good talk with Mom; good study time. Wonderful e-mail from S; sounds like J is coming on Tuesday. I was in church today, but no L; said she had something to do. Realize that I must put a bunch of positive stuff in Memo to Elders (still don’t really know whether I should send it or not).
May 22/06
Thank you, Lord, for the restful day, mild temperatures, cool breeze, your Word, your presence, for teaching me things.
I’m reading in Leader’s Guide 2 about accountability, having a mentor and obeying spiritual leaders. This all certainly puts the Memo into a different light. I need a mentor; I have been using P as one, even though we haven’t formalized the arrangement and that’s not fair. We also have to be careful who we pick as mentor; except for P I don’t know anyone well enough to ask them. There’s a few women in the church who I suspect might be a good mentor for me, but their going to have to be very strong and intelligent. For instance I don’t think I could accept advice from a G or E or someone like my Mom. And accountability; that’s a tough one. Mostly in respect of my smoking. I would probably be a bear and find it really restrictive. But this is something I must be willing to do. Somehow the idea of accountability before God is something I can accept. But I’ve been a lone wolf for so long. I guess I’ve been finally understanding and enjoying the freedom we have in Christ and somehow in my mind, when I think of accountability, I think of going back into that small box that has no room for ME. God made me for a purpose and my differences are OK (finally!!). I’ve finally got to the place where I feel confident of God’s love and his acceptance of me and I’m so afraid that if I give people room to improve me, they will want to improve me into what they think I should be, not necessarily what God thinks I should be.
After fighting with who I am for almost all my life, I’m afraid of my reaction to what others might say. I know that the mentor is to help in a spirit of love and I must understand and accept that, but I guess in my very critical mind, I’m afraid that I will be very unpleasant at taking such advice. I know how hard I can fight and how I can automatically return perceived hurt with hurt. If I don’t agree with said mentor’s opinions or guidance, where does that leave me? I feel that God has brought me such a long way this past 2 years and I know he has much more in store for me. People like K D and C (who grew up in Three Hills for goodness sakes) must have had a fight to be themselves. Even Pastor D. I love the dry wit and the playful sarcasm they have, that they’ve learned to use FOR God, to help give a message and yet bring laughter into our lives. Yet the thought just crossed my mind, that a mentor would not only criticize but they would also encourage me. I still seem to have difficulty seeing the good in things; I’m too quick to see the bad. Good old balance, balance, balance!!! Maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Whoever is wise enough to be a mentor has probably learned a lot of these lessons the hard way, just the like rest of us.
Here I was about to go on a tangent about “authenticity” and “community”. Yet all the above is involved in these concepts. Obviously, I was just touching the surface. I wonder how often I am dishonest with myself about these things, taking pride in my intelligence. I’m trying so hard not to be proud, to use my God given intelligence for him, but we humans can so easily fool ourselves. God is obviously teaching me about not speaking so quickly, that before I flap off, I should really search my heart and pray that God will search my heart and convict me of any hidden motivations or pride. Yet I also don’t want to let this awareness (and I don’t think God wants me to) keep me hiding in the background and getting off the hook with “this is none of my business”.
Thank you, Lord, for putting your hand up with a “Halt!” sign, for making me stop and think. I pray that group will go well tomorrow. I praise you Lord, with all my inmost being. Praise the Lord, O my soul!
May 24/06
Praise the Lord, O my soul. Thank you, Lord, that group went so well last night, for the Spirit’s leading; for a good study time, for good fellowship with C (watched more of the video).
Still debating what I should do respecting the Memo to Elders. I will have to talk to P I think; I hate to bother her too much. She is clearing up their year end and they are going on holiday for a while in June. Need to discuss accountability and mentoring. Don’t know who else to talk to about this.
E called today, but kept it to an hour. N is still trying to “squeeze” them with her pitiful act; also tried it out on the neighbour. She really is a troubled soul.
G didn’t make it last night to group. Last week for K’s dancing for the year. We’ll see if she’ll manage it more often or if M will whine he can’t manage both of the kids.
May 25/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good nights rest, a new day, for the rain that replenishes the earth, for my time with J today, for the laughs with DS, for your Word, for your presence and your love.
J has certainly been involved in lots of churches; he is at the point where he doesn’t see much point in saying anything. This is scary for me because I don’t think that’s what I’m supposed to do. He seems to have such clear direction from God. But at the same time, I think his enthusiasms have tendency to run away with him too. Of course, his focus is on different things. I don’t know why I’m stalling on calling P.
Yesterday, what I added to the Memo seemed so real, so “authentic” but perhaps its not appropriate to include such stuff. What is too personal? How do I be “authentic” and honest? J suggested that I look on the internet under “Churches in Debt-Solutions” so will give that a try tonight.
May 26/06
Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness, for this day, for a good rest, for your Word.
Had a meltdown today. Spilled water all over the table and cried like there was no tomorrow. I think maybe I’m trying to hard. I checked on the internet last night under Churches in Debt etc. Lots of interesting stuff on Christianity Today website; joined up for e-mail stuff. Realizing how much I need to change and grow. I’m critical, talk too much, keep people at arms length, am afraid to believe that people really like me; don’t want to be held accountable by others, am fat and smoke because I don’t have good self-boundaries, am proud, conceited about my mind, bit of a snob. Not that this is really a surprise to me. God is probably trying to teach me humility and further dependence on him. I guess I shouldn’t be hard on myself; he’s brought me so far in the last couple of years and my life will always be a work in progress. Why do I feel guilt right away about my faults and foibles, instead of being grateful for the lessons learned? I’m devastated enough when I really face myself like today. It seems I have worked so hard (and so has God) to make good changes in my life and today I feel like ****. I know I need to be humble, but I have a hard time not going to extremes about it. P is about the only person in church I feel I could trust; maybe F too or K. I share some with the ladies in my group, but it’s very controlled. Quite frankly I don’t think I could accept advice from any of them. Did I put them together because I see them as myself; left out, left over, don’t belong, because I feel sorry for them? How pathetic. Yet in the leadership guide it says we should be careful about who makes up a group. I think I’m more of a teacher than a leader. Lord, I’m afraid that will hold me back from stepping out in service to you.
Is this church really a place that wants its members to delve into accountability, honesty, authenticity, etc? Or does it just strive to be “comfortable”? As bad as I feel today, I know that I don’t want just a comfortable Christianity. I want to grow; I know that days like this will be part of that, but it’s better than stagnating. Trusting people is so hard for me; putting myself out there knowing I can be hurt. I don’t know why I’m so afraid of that. I can give but I have a hard time receiving; because if I receive that means I have to feel worthy enough to receive and that always poses problems for me. I guess I have a long way to go in that regard. I’ve been so busy trying to protect myself for so long I can’t imagine making myself vulnerable. Yet that is necessary for growth. Lord, you’ve promised never to give up on me and I’m counting on that. I’m sticking like Velcro!
May 27/06
Thank you, Lord, for this day, for a good rest, for my time talking with S, for my study time, for your Word, for your comfort today in my silent time.
So much hurt and pain still inside. But the Lord is always there beside me.
Spent 1 ½ hours sending stuff to S, so don’t really feel like typing too much today.
May 28/06
Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness.
Strange, not very pleasant day. OK until we were leaving church. D & L approached me just as I was about to go out the door. Started to babble a bunch of stuff that didn’t really make sense. Something about June 13, 30 people…. I gather Pastor D wants 30 people assembled, I assume for the course in the fall. They asked if the list of my group members was accurate. What has that got to do with it. I suspect that we don’t have 30 groups going at the moment and they want to ask members of small groups to host/lead tables at the fall course. I finally said I had to go, as my ride was waiting.
I had G’s hot chocolate in my hand. I walked into the glass wall beside the door; hot chocolate over me, over the window, I dropped stuff, then burst into tears. Smooth move! I couldn’t stop crying all the way home. K was just trying to be nice, but she wouldn’t shut up and I wanted to scream BE QUIET! Lord, I don’t know where all these tears are coming from, all this pain. I think I may be entering a period of “emptiness” as in Barton’s book. I have been faced recently with a whole bunch of things that I know I have to deal with; boundaries, opening up to people, sharing more, even though I may get hurt; smoking, weight. Of course, me in my usual manic way, feel that I suddenly have to solve all the things wrong with me overnight. I’m sure that’s Satan not God doing that and I’m falling for the guilt trip.
G called to see how I was doing which was sweet.
Then E called; she had mentioned to E my preparing a memo to give to the pastor/elders. At E suggestion, she told me that Ed was going to do the same thing at the church they used to attend. When he prayed about it, God told him to let it go. God was still dealing with the pastor and he would handle it. Ed felt great peace over this.
He’s probably right. I know there could be serious repercussions if I send the memo. Is it my sinful nature that feels I should be able to express my opinion? Or is it really something I should do? Should I just be more positive in how I put things, or give it up entirely? I still don’t feel I’m getting God’s message on this. I guess this means I better hold off. It is becoming clear to me that I need more “spiritual friends”, be ready to accept their criticism in Christian love and seek guidance from more mature Christians. Obviously those in my group will not do; especially not G.
Took another “gifts” test from “Leader’s Guide 2” this evening. My gifts in this one were 1. Teaching, 2. Prophecy, 3. Administration and 4. Mercy.
Reading about facing myself in Barton’s book, which is obviously where I’m at right now. I’m not letting go of God; I’m velcroed to him. I’m counting on his promise to never leave me nor forsake me. It’s funny; the other day the thought crossed my mind that things were going along almost too well. Oh well, I guess we can’t let ourselves become complacent. I know that’s not something I want. I just have to believe that something positive will come out of this. Also, in Boundaries, I learned that I shouldn’t try to do this on my own. That in itself is a big one for me. I’ve been a loner for so long; it’s going to be very hard to open up and trust.
Just talked to L; changing to Wednesday for group this week. Called I, S and G and they are OK with it. Left a message for J to call me.
May 29/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good night’s rest, for your Word, for my study time, for my silent time with you today. We seem to be taking another step on this journey, Lord, and I thank you for your faithfulness, that you will always be with me, even when I can’t sense your presence.
Somehow, today, in my silent time, God gave me some peace. I’m having to face more of myself, empty more of myself. It’s hard, but like Barton says, you can occasionally glimpse how much better it will be on the other side of this thing. I thank you, Lord, for this opportunity (now that’s a big step!). Also, in Boundaries, the truth is hitting home that I have to have more support and help support others; stop this one way nonsense. The thought passed through my mind today, that since “prophecy” seems to be one of my gifts (I’m not exactly sure in what sense because there are slightly differing definitions of the term) that perhaps God has given me the gift of liking to be alone because prophets are historically not liked! That may sound big-headed but I don’t mean it that way. People are often not happy when you speak the truth; and like so much in life, the hardest thing or person to be truthful about is ourselves. I guess that’s something else I have to think about; the seeming contradiction in being alone and yet learning to reach out. Are prophets ever balanced? From my reading of the Bible they sure don’t seem to be; if that’s a prerequisite, I’m a shoo-in on that requirement! I’m trying to be a little funny here Lord because I’m so unsure about so much, but I am sure that you want the best for me and that you have plans for me.
I need to keep studying God’s Word because it is like air for me. I am probably avoiding making a “pro” and “con” list of my character, habits, thoughts, assumptions, etc. If Barton is right (and I think she is), I have to work on letting go of all that I know or am, to empty myself so God can fill me. I think I’m at least on the first lap in this journey; I have no doubt there will be many more, but even though it’s painful I am starting to see the point of it all (at least a little bit). Oh, how I long for others I could open my heart to. No one but God will ever love me or accept me or understand me the way I long to be loved, accepted and understood. But I need to take a step of faith and let others in as well. That’s very scary for me; I stay pretty much in control of how much I let in. I don’t know if that ever totally goes away. Some of what I’ve been studying has stressed being discerning in who you open up to; I pray that God will guide me in this. I think I have a pretty good instinct about people, but like all humans, that’s been proven wrong a few times. Perhaps the pain you go through with God by your side strengthens you for the pain that people and life will inflict on you in the normal course. I thank you, Lord, for your wonderful way of bringing to me in my reading just what I seem to need. What a wonderful reading program! Personally made for just me! How wonderfully exciting! Thank you so much and all praise to you wonderful Name.
Debating calling T tonight. My tears probably scared them. Phone DS and thanked him for the good job he did on the lawn and for putting together the “down spout”. He seemed pleased to have the compliment.
May 30/06
Thank you, dear Lord, for a much better day today; for your Word, for my study time, for a good rest.
Senior’s decided not to come for Mom today so she didn’t get to go and see that place uptown. I suggested earlier this morning she should take a cab. She didn’t think it was worth the money. I guess she talked to E later and she said the same thing. Then E calls me right when I’m eating supper and says the same thing. She wants my advice as to whether she should tell Mom to spend the money. I said basically do what you want. Mom may take advice better from someone else. I did say, that if Seniors don’t want Mom as a client because she always finds other errands to do for these people, then they should come right out and say so. Perhaps they have and she just doesn’t think it’s a valid reason. I don’t know and I really don’t want to go there. Perhaps I’m copping out. Mom is not too good at picking up subtleties. Perhaps they feel they have told her but she still persists.
Called T's last night but just got the machine. I forgot; I think it’s their group night. Have not heard back. I would hate to think my tears scared them so badly (said with sarcasm!)
Feel I should call P in a few days to advise why I haven’t sent the e-mail; that God has held up a “Halt” sign.
Next book in the pile is the one about spiritual gifts. Day 2 for exercise.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 11/4/2009 10:48:44 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline
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June 1/06
Thank you, Lord for this day, for the beautiful sunshine, for your promises to me, your child.
Got a call from _____ Insurance today. The lady was trying to be nice and just doing her job. As usual, I just didn’t have anything to say. I wasn’t nasty, but not very enthusiastic either. She tried to get me to say that I was “interested” in working. I said my “interest” was only a matter of their requirement. She tried to talk me into going back to that thing at the _______. I said definite “no”. She implied that their “agent” would help me find work, etc. I said it had been a long time since I had heard from anyone. The last I heard the girl in Calgary was off on stress leave and I hadn’t heard from anyone since. Save for their (date) letter, this was the first I had heard from them as well. She asked if I was seeing any specialists; I said what for? For my arthritis, she suggested a rheumatologist. I said I couldn’t take anything for the arthritis because it affected my asthma. I depended on Tylenol 650. I didn’t think of it then, but I don’t have rheumatoid arthritis anyway, so I can’t see what could do for me. She talked about rehab. I don’t know what there is to rehabilitate. I have severe arthritis; I have agoraphobia, I have asthma. If I ever manage to quit smoking that might help the asthma, but there are no cures for the other. She suggested I do part time paralegal work. I said I doubted that would work as most of it is rushes and a lot of stress. Part time and paralegal don’t go together very well. And I’m not prepared to do that super stress thing again. Thank goodness I see Dr. soon.
I cried and prayed about this. I’m trying not to pray for my will but God’s. It’s scary and it’s hard, but I have to depend on him to know what’s best.
Left a message on DD’s cell. She called back. She went to see her dad last weekend. They have invited me for supper on Saturday which is very nice. I told her she might want to change her mind, because I would probably need her on Monday or Tuesday for a bank run/prescription run. She said no problem. I told her C was moving today.
I left another message for L today. She called back after 4:00. I thank you, Lord, that I didn’t send an e-mail. These 30 people are for some kind of survey that supposedly tells you about the health of your church. She ended up calling me back twice. Nice girl, but flaky. I shouldn’t say anything against Pastor D to her. LEARN GIRL!
I asked some questions about the fall course. Supposedly everybody at church is too busy to deal with it right now. I gather they want all the groups in homes. There will be a tape and some printout with questions. I gather there are probably about 75 in groups from the church at this time. I would imagine there will be a huge push in the fall for more groups to accommodate more people for the course.
I have some concerns, because these groups are probably going to be formed on a basis that is not very well thought out and then they are going to expect these groups to be ongoing. I think I have been fairly honest with myself about the group that I have. I wouldn’t want to be in it. I think I’m more of a teacher than a “facilitator” or leader. I would like to join a group of my peers (now isn’t that a snobby idea!). But I want to grow in my faith and I don’t think I can do a lot of that in my group. Oh, it helps, but there is no one there that I would like to bare my heart to. And I don’t know how I find people that I would feel comfortable with. So many questions, so few answers.
I called R this evening; doesn’t sound like she will be able to make it. Left a message for TB to call me. I’m supposed let L know if I hear from T because if she joins the group she would be qualified to do this survey. Of course Pastor D wants this info tomorrow. I commented that he often makes his requests known, insists on being a part of that, but doesn’t make himself available. She stood up for him, saying I should see his schedule. I said I believed it; but perhaps he has to learn to let go of stuff. When he delegates, he has to leave in someone else’s hands and not hold things up because he’s too busy. Supposedly the Pastors and staff are going to be “in charge” or something of the fall course, but they’re too busy right now to think about it. I said that was understandable, but perhaps they should see if someone would look into it ahead of time. When fall comes, everybody will be running around like chickens with their heads cut off and it will end up being inefficient and not well done. Something I said must have got her defenses up, because basically she said something to the effect that if someone didn’t like how they were doing it, they could take over. So I guess basically, I either shut up or put up. I also said I didn’t think there was any venue where input was even wanted. The 2 times I attended something that was put forth as an opportunity to speak up were handled in such a way that it was very clear that no one wants anybody’s input. Also, I think communication could certainly be improved. The planning process seems not to exist when everything is done by the seat of the pants.
I’m starting to read “Boundaries” for the second time. This one is also going to give me much food for thought. From chapter 2
"Sometimes, we have bad on the inside and good on the outside. In these instances we need to be able to open up our boundaries to let the good in and the bad out. In other words, our fences need gates in them. For ex., if I find that I have some pain or sin within, I need to open up and communicate it to God and others, so that I can be healed. Confessing pain and sin helps us to “get it out” so that it does not continue to poison me on the inside (1 John 1:9, James 5:16, Mark 7:21-23). And when the good is on the outside, we need to open our gates and “let it in”. Jesus speaks of this phenomenon in “receiving” him and his truth (Rev. 3:20, John 1:12). Other people have good thing to give us and we need to “open up to them” (2 Cor 6:11-13). Often we will close our boundaries to good things from others, staying in a state of deprivation."
This is where I have problems. I have been learning that I need people (even though most of the time I don’t feel like it). Even in talking to L today, she too has an “E” in her life. I should share with L about what I said to E and how it did help. Both L and myself are being defensive. This isn’t good. I must admit that telling E how I felt helped things.
"The most basic boundary-setting word is “no”. It lets others know that you exist apart from them and that you in control of you. Being clear about your no - and your yes - is a these that runs throughout the Bible (Matt. 5:37, James 5:12).
“No” is a confrontational word. The Bible says that we are to confront people we love, saying “No, that behavior is not okay. I will not participate in that.” The word “no” is also important in setting limits on abuse….
….If you cannot say no to this external or internal pressure, you have lost control of your property and are not enjoying the fruit of “self-control.”
Your words also define your property for others as you communicate your feelings, intentions or dislikes. It is difficult for people to know where you stand when you do not use words to define your property…..Your words let people know where you stand and thus give them a sense of the ‘edges’ that help identify you…."
"There is always safety in the truth, whether it be knowing God’s truth or knowing the truth about yourself. …Honesty about who you are gives you the biblical value of integrity, or oneness…
Taking time off from a person, or a project, can be a way of regaining ownership over some out-of-control aspect of your life where boundaries need to be set….
You need to depend on others to help you set and keep boundaries… There are 2 reasons why you need others to help with boundaries. The first is that your most basic need in life is for relationship."
The previous paragraph is obviously one I have trouble with. I don’t feel that my most basic need in life I for relationship. I’m not denying that Biblically and psychologically it’s probably true (and I’ve come a long way in the last couple of years), but I don’t feel a NEED as such in this regard.
"Our point for now is that boundaries are not built in a vacuum; creating boundaries always involves a support network."
This is also a tough one for me; but then again, according to the experts, my boundaries are probably all wrong.
"We may be moved with compassion to give to someone in need, but then this person manipulates us into giving more than we want to give. We end up resentful and angry, having missed something we needed in our own life. Or, we may want more from someone else, and we pressure them until they give in. They give not out of their heart and free will, but out of compliance, and they resent us for what they give. Neither one of us comes out ahead."
This sounds like one of those “can’t win if you do and can’t win if you don’t” situations. If you don’t do, you probably end up feeling guilty and the other guy still doesn’t get what he wants. I know they deal with that later, but this obviously shows how you need that “support group”. Where do you find these people to support you????
"Attitudes have to do with your orientation toward something, the stance you take toward others, God, life, work and relationships. Beliefs are anything that you accept as true. Often we do not see an attitude or belief as the source of discomfort in our life….We need to own our attitudes and convictions because they fall within our property line. We are the ones who feel their effect and the only ones who can change them.
The tough thing about attitudes is that we learn them very early in life. They play a big part in the map of who we are and how we operate. People who have never questioned their attitudes and beliefs can fall prey to the dynamic that Jesus referred to when he described people holding on to the “traditions of men” instead of the commands of God (Mark 7:8, Matt 15:3).
People with boundary problems usually have distorted attitudes about responsibility. They feel that to hold people responsible for their feelings, choices and behaviors is mean. However, Proverbs repeatedly says that setting limits and accepting responsibility will save lives (Prov. 13:18, 24)…
We need to realize that we are in control of our choices, no matter how we feel. This keeps us from making choices to give “reluctantly or under compulsion a 2 Cor. 9:7 says…"
"Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.
Our minds and thoughts are important reflections of the image of God. No other creature on earth has our thinking ability. We are the only creatures who are called to love God with all out mind (Mark 12:30). Establishing boundaries in thinking involves three things:
1. We must own our thoughts. ….. Certainly we should listen to the thoughts of others and weigh them; but we should n ever “give our minds” over to anyone. We are weigh things for ourselves in the context of relationship, “sharpening” each other as iron, but remaining separate thinkers.
2. We must grow in knowledge and expand our minds. One area in which we need to grow is in knowledge of God and his Word.
3. We must clarify distorted thinking. We all have a tendency to not see things clearly, to think and perceive in distorted ways. Probably the easiest distortions to notice are in personal relationships. We rarely see people as they really are; our perceptions are distorted by past relationships and our own preconceptions of who we think they are, even the people we know least….
Taking ownership of our thinking in relationships requires being active in checking out where we may be wrong. As we assimilate new information, our thinking adapts and grows closer to reality.
Many people do not take ownership for how they resist love. They have a lot of love around them, but do not realize that their loneliness is a result of their own lack of responsiveness. … we need to claim our hearts as our property and work on our weaknesses in that area. It will open up life to us."
The above paragraph sounds good but…… Am I sick because I don’t feel “loneliness”? Lots to think about.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 11/7/2009 10:35:12 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline
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June 2/06
Thank you, Lord, for your promises, for your comfort, for this day; I really needed it today.
Feeling rather blue, confused, stuck, etc. But I’m sure (I reassure myself) that God will bring me into the light yet. From chapter 3 of Boundaries:
“People who have an overstrict, critical conscience will condemn themselves for things God himself doesn’t condemn them for. When we give in to guilty feelings, we are complying with a harsh conscience. This fear of disobeying the harsh conscience translates into an inability to confront others...."
Some of the other stuff in this paragraph doesn’t really seem to apply to me, but the overstrict conscience is definitely one of my problems. Yet I wouldn’t say I have an inability to confront others. I probably do it badly; more like an attack. Actually this whole section is about people who are unable to say “no”. But the guilt thing is so me. It goes on to tell the story of a woman who started a small group who was able to love others, but wouldn’t allow them to love her. This also speaks to me.
"This boundary problem is called avoidance; saying no to the good. It’s the inability to ask for help, to recognize one’s own needs, to let others in. Avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do not ask support of others."
BOY IS THAT ME.
"Why is avoidance a boundary problem? At the heart of the struggle is a confusion of boundaries as walls. Boundaries are supposed to be able to “breathe”, to be like fences with a gate that can let the good in and the bad out. Individuals with walls for boundaries can let in neither bad nor good. No one touches them."
SEEING THESE THINGS ABOUT MYSELF IS VERY PAINFUL, CONFUSING AND SCARY. Even though I have known this for quite a while, it’s one of those things that you get used to, like your name, even if you don’t like it.
"God designed our personal boundaries to have gates. We should have the freedom to enjoy safe relationships and to avoid destructive ones. …"
WHAT ARE SAFE RELATIONSHIPS? Finding them can be very unsafe (or it least that’s how it feels).
"God has no interest in violating our boundaries so that he can relate to us. He understands that this would cause injuries of trust. It is our responsibility to open up to him in need and repentence. Yet, for avoidants, opening up to both God and people is almost impossible."
That’s why it probably taken me so long to accept God’s love, accept his acceptance of me.
"Individuals who have both (compliant and avoidant) boundary conflicts not only cannot refuse evil, they are unable to receive the support they so readily offer to others. They are stuck in a cycle of feeling drained, but with nothing to replace the lost energy.
Compliant avoidants suffer from which is called “reversed boundaries“. They have no boundaries where they need them and they have boundaries where they should not have them."
These paragraphs probably (most likely) describe me, if “evil” includes working too hard and giving but not accepting.
"God wants us to take care of ourselves so that we can help others without moving into a crisis ourselves."
I am more and more aware that I will need God’s strength and love to help me let others love me. I don’t know what it is about myself that I don’t want to accept anyone’s love for me. I’ve been hurt, but so has everybody else in this world.
Dad was obviously non-responsive; Mom basically had no boundaries but she was very manipulative. I ended up so mad at how Mom was that I became aggressive and cut-off. Nobody was going to treat me like Dad treated Mom. Mom stressed that what I wanted was not important, I shouldn’t “want” anything, that fairness didn’t matter, that we are to make ourselves as nothing. She got off on being a floor mat and I hated it.
Yet, when it came to my work, I made myself into a doormat. Boy! How perverse! Well, at least that’s not a surprise. I’ve always known how perverse human nature was, but of course, we don’t like to face the depths of it in ourselves. I think I became so blunt, confrontational because I thought that was more honest than being manipulative like her, but then I got stuck with feeling guilty.
Man, what a mess we make of ourselves!! Somehow I got the idea that having wants or opinions were wrong, that wanting more out of life that Mom had was a sin; I was to be grateful to just be alive, fed and sheltered. We couldn’t even laugh wholeheartedly; she always said, “Don’t laugh too hard, you’ll end up crying”. I have to give her credit, though, it takes very little to please her. I don’t think I’m hard to please, but I used money and spending it on myself to make me feel that all my hard work, responsibility were worth something. I sure didn’t get praise or encouragement at home! Or from my ex-husband! I felt I had to praise myself (or at least what I did, my work) because waiting for anyone else to do so was a waste of time.
I learned not to expect anything from others. I settled for not expecting anything from others because that way your expectations couldn’t be disappointed. I guess I felt let down by Mom & Dad; they didn’t love me for being “me”; Dad seemed not to care once DB came along-I was just background, like Mom. And Mom expected me to be like her. Fat chance of that! I know they didn’t have much education, but I felt like having a brain and liking to use it was somehow a little dangerous or something. It’s probably just as well I didn’t go on to university; Dad probably would have resented dishing out the money “she’s a girl; she’ll just end up married with a bunch of kids; what’s the point?”
I remember being so mad when we went on holidays and DB would make up his silly songs and go on forever and they just thought it was “so cute”; yet if I did anything that was “silly” I was told to behave or quit being so childish. I can’t help but wonder what damage I did to my own children. Yet just like them, I did the best I could at the time. What never ceases to amaze me is how much hurt and pain this stuff STILL brings up.
Yet God has forgiven me completely and I must forgive too. Yet in some ways I don’t necessarily feel angry at them; on some level I think I have forgiven them, but to be honest I don’t feel much of anything about them except duty and annoyance. Oh Lord, please forgive me. I don’t mean to be so cruel. But I suppose its not really surprising because sometimes I think all I have for myself is a kind of mild tolerance for myself. Now isn’t that a hoot!!
Enough already. A person can go crazy going on like this. I truly thank you Lord, for all the wondrous blessing you have bestowed on me the last couple of years (my whole life actually), but I mean the changes, that I finally accept your love and acceptance, I don’t particularly want to die anymore; if I live, I want to spend my time serving you; I love your Word and teaching it to others; I’ve pretty much stopped swearing, I have more patience (though I doubt it will ever be a high point with me); I’m a little more accepting of others and I love you, Lord. But obviously I have a long way to go and sometimes it seems very daunting and more than I can handle. I know you’ll be there with me, but I’ve spent 55 years not exactly being an optimist and since you made us all different, I can’t help but think there is a purpose for that as well. I know that you were there with me all those years and whatever I have gone through is something that you can use to help others.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 11/16/2009 10:20:04 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline
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June 3/06
Thank you, Lord, for a wonderful, restful, beautiful day. Had a good sleep, spent on hour on the phone with S; had a warm bath and went back to bed. Got up and spent 1 ½ hours sending stuff to S; then got ready to go to DD’s for supper (did my “read through the Bible for a year” reading though). Went to have supper, had a great meal, beautiful weather, came home about 8:00, then spent another hour sending stuff to S. I love God’s word and will try to study every day, but like everything else, I get a little obsessive/compulsive. It’s OK to just have a nice relaxed day. I can’t help but feel that God was smiling on me today and I thank and praise him for it.
June 4/06
Thank you, Lord, for another wonderful day. Church was really good; the course was really good; enjoyed G’s company. Lord, you are so good to me, to all your children. I praise you and thank you for all your wonderful blessings. Maybe I’m finally understanding about just enjoying the gift of your day, the gift of every day. Thank you for those gifts. Words really aren’t enough to tell you how great you are; how much I love you; that I finally accept your love and know I must learn to let others in. Praise your Holy Name.
June 5/06
Thank you, Lord, for a beautiful day; for your wonderful presence; for all your blessings; that C called (I pray that she will get enough rest and will get over her cold soon); for your Word; for my time with DD. I thank you for the lesson I learned after this wonderful, relaxing, week-end - that it’s OK just to enjoy what God has given us. Thank you, Lord.
June 6/06
Oh, dear Lord, I need you so much. Only your strength and your goodness infusing me will help me to change. I get so angry and annoyed so easily. Please forgive me. I pray for the Holy Spirit’s leading tomorrow as I meet with C and then with the group in the evening.
E woke me up at 8:06 AM. Her and E hadn’t slept all night. T has changed her mind about standing behind them at the lawyer’s. She thinks they exaggerate. She doesn’t see any great problem with A chasing the car crying because he doesn’t want to see his dad; or him falling off a slide and getting bird doodoo and other stuff all over him because daddy was busy talking to his friend. They think she is afraid to go to court because more of her past will come out. Bottom line, I think she treats the kid like a pet or a toy. On Sunday for his concert at school, she didn’t help him get ready, she was all concerned about herself getting ready, to wear her new dress and make sure she is in the pictures.
Personally, I think its time for them to start threatening back. Yes, they will go to court so she might as well come clean now. They should ask the lawyer if there is precedent for grandparents having both parents cited as neglectful and unfit and obtaining legal custody. I’m so sick of hearing about this **** (and then, of course, I feel guilty for feeling that way). I think E & E have become used to being victims; if you’re ready to fight for the good the child, go for it, all the way. But then again, who am I to say such things? E got a call from the most recent girlfriend of A's dad (driver of car) and her father, both trying to get information out of E. How sick! Elaine thinks its possible the girl is pregnant; supposedly marriage was talked about. I guess it was Daddy’s car she was driving; does she still live at home?
Then I call Mom. Her driver for the checkup yesterday didn’t show up. I said “why didn’t you take a cab?” Then she gets that annoying “pure” or “poor me, nobody understands me” voice. “That’s OK, I made another appointment.” I feel like slapping her.
Where do all these raging feelings come from? They are surely not Christ-like. Is this Satan at work?
Went for groceries today. Cab driver was a jerk. I paid him extra, he’s leaving all the bags on the lawn; finally had tell him to at least put them on the stairs. I was so exhausted after I put everything away I lay down for an hour. I should probably have pushed myself to study but I was just too tired.
Lord, I don’t know what to say right now. Just “help me, please”.
June 8/06
Thank you, Lord, for a better day; for your Word, for my study time; for the quietness and restfulness of the day. I pray that L will find the transportation and help she needs to move. I don’t know whether I should ask for G’s truck. Does L remember me saying that? I just don’t think its right to make an offer for something that isn’t mine.
Can’t seem to get enough rest lately. Hurting and tired. Keeping at the exercise but not being very successful with the smoking. S sent me a beautiful e-mail that had a prayer in it. I want to ask her if she has prayed for Jesus to come into her life. The only thing with the prayer was that it asked for all sorts of blessings but doesn’t necessarily commit to Jesus.
I don’t know where some of this stuff is coming from today.
Lord, please be near, keep guiding me. I thank you and love you because of your love and faithfulness.
Some more stuff from “Boundaries”, Chpt 4:
"No matter how much you talk to yourself, read, study, or practice, you can’t develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with God and others. Don’t even try to start setting limits until you have entered into deep, abiding attachments with people who will love you no matter what."
WHERE DO I FIND THAT? Oh, Lord, help me to find that.
From Chapter 5 - The 10 Laws of Boundaries:
"Law #1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping - When God tells us that we will reap what we sow, he is not punishing us; he’s telling us how things really are. …Establishing boundaries helps codependent people stop interrupting the Law of Sowing and Reaping in their loved one’s life. Boundaries force the person who is doing the sowing to also do the reaping….Confronting an irresponsible person is not painful to him; only consequences are.
Law #2: The Law of Responsibility - Problems arise when boundaries of responsibility are confused. We are to love one another, not be one another. I can’t feel your feelings for you. I can’t think for you. I can’t behave for you. I can’t work through the disappointment that limits bring for you. In short, I can’t grow for you; only you can. Likewise, you can’t grow for me. The biblical mandate for our own personal growth is “Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” (Phil. 2:12-13). You are responsible for yourself. I am responsible for myself…. A strong strand throughout the Bible stresses that you are to give to needs and put limits on sin. Boundaries help you do just that.
Law #3: The Law of Power - The Twelve Step Programs and the Bible teach that people must admit that they are moral failures. ….Though you do not have the power in and of yourself to overcome these patterns, you do have the power to do some things that will bring fruits of victory later:
(1) You have the power to agree with the truth about your problems. In the Bible, this is called “confession.” To confess means to “agree with”. You have the ability to at least say “that is me”. You may not be able to change it yet, but you can confess.
(2) You have the power to submit your inability to God. You always have the power to ask for help and yield. You have the power to humble yourself and turn your life over to him. You may not be able to make yourself well, but you call the Doctor! The humbling of yourself commanded in the Bible is always coupled with great promises. If you do what you are able - confess, believe and ask for help - God will do what you are unable to do - bring about change.
(3) You have the power to search and ask God and others to reveal more and more about what is within your boundaries.
(4) You have the power to turn from the evil that you find within you. This is called repentence. This does not mean that you’ll be perfect; it means that you can see your sinful parts as aspects that you want to change.
(5) You have the power to humble yourself and ask God and others to help you with your developmental injuries and leftover childhood needs. Many of your problematic parts come from being empty inside and you need to seek God and others to have those needs met.
(6) You have the power to seek out those that you have injured and make amends. You need to do this in order to be responsible for yourself and your sin and be responsible to those you have injured….On the other side of the coin, your boundaries help define what you do not have power over; everything outside of them….You can work on submitting yourself to the process and working with God to change you….You cannot change others….What you can do is influence others. But there is a trick. Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you. Change your way of dealing with them; they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work. Another dynamic that happens when you let go of others is that you begin to get healthy, and they may notice and envy your health. They may want some of what you have. One more thing. You need the wisdom to know what is you and what is not you. Pray for the wisdom to know the difference between what you have the power to change and what you do not.
Law #4: The Law of Respect - We fear that others will not respect our boundaries. We focus on others and lost clarity about ourselves. Sometimes the problems is that we just others’ boundaries. We need to respect the boundaries of others. We need to love the boundaries of others in order to command respect for our own. We need to treat their boundaries the way we want them to treat ours. If we love and respect people who tell us “no”, they will love and respect our “no”. Freedom begets freedom. If we are walking in the Spirit, we give people the freedom to make their own choices. “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” (2 Cor. 3:17). If we are going to judge at all, it needs to be by the “perfect law that gives freedom.” (James 1:25).
Law #5: The Law of Motivation - Fears that keep us from setting boundaries: (1) Fear of loss of love, or abandonment. (2) Fear of others’ anger. You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person, but that does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger. Jesus refers to it as the “narrow gate”. It is always easier to go through the “broad gate of destruction” and continue to not set boundaries where we need to. But the result is always the same: destruction. Only the honest, purposeful life leads to good fruit. Deciding to set boundaries is difficult because it requires decision making and confrontation, which, in turn, may cause pain to someone you love….We cause pain by making choices that others do not like, but we also cause pain by confronting people when they are wrong. But if we do not share our anger with another, bitterness and hatred can set in. We need to be honest with one another about how we are hurt…..As iron sharpens iron, we need confrontation and truth from others to grow. No one likes to hear negative things about him or herself. But in the long run it may be good for us. The Bible says that if we are wise, we will learn from it. We need to evaluate the pain our confrontation causes other people. We need to see how this hurt is helpful to others and sometimes the best thing we can do for them and the relationship. We need to evaluate the pain in a positive light.
Law #7: The Law of Proactivity - Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose and what they stand for. These people are very different from those who are know by what they hate, what they don’t like, what they stand against, and what they will not do."
Boy, that last part is sure one of my problems!
"While reactive victims are primarily known by their “against” stances, proactive people do not demand rights, they live them. Power is not something you demand or deserve, it is something you express.
The ultimate expression of power is love; it is the ability not to express power, but to restrain it. Proactive people are able to “love others as themselves.” They have mutual respect. They are able to “die to self” and not “return evil for evil.” They have gotten past the reactive stance of the law and are able to love and not react.
Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than “finding yourself.” A reactive stage is a stage, not an identity. It is necessary, but not sufficient.
Lesson #8, The Law of Envy - Envy defines “good’ as “what I do not possess” and hates the good that it has. How many times have you heard someone subtly put down the accomplishments of others, somehow robbing them of the goodness they had attained?
We all have envious parts to our personalities. But what is so destructive about this particular sin is that it guarantees that we will not get what we want and keeps us perpetually insatiable and dissatisfied. This is not to say that it is wrong to want things we do not have. God has said that he will give us the desires of our heart.
The problem with envy is that it focuses outside our boundaries, onto others. If we are focusing on what others have or have accomplished, we are neglecting our responsibilities and will ultimately have an empty heart. Galations 6:4 - “Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else.” Your envy should always be a sign to you that you are lacking something. At that moment, you should ask God to help you understand what you resent, why yo do not have whatever you are envying and whether you truly desire it. Ask him to show you what you need to do to get there, or to give up the desire.
Law #9: The Law of Activity - Passivity never pays off. God will match our effort, but he will never do our work for us. That would be an invasion of our boundaries. He wants us to be assertive and active, seeking and knocking on the door of life.
We know that God is not mean to people who are afraid; the Scripture is full of examples of compassion. But he will not enable passivity….God’s grace covers failure, but it cannot make up for passivity. We must do our part. The sin God rebukes is not trying and failing, but failing to try. Trying, failing and trying again is called learning. Failing to try will have no good result; evil will triumph. God expresses his opinion toward passivity in Heb. 10:38-39 “But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him. But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.”
Passive “shrinking back” is intolerable to God, and when we understand how destructive it is to the soul, we can see why God does not tolerate it. God wants us to “preserve our souls.” That is the role of boundaries; they define and preserve our property, our souls….Our boundaries can only be created by our being active and aggressive, by our knocking, seeking and asking (Matt 7:7-8).
Law #10: The Law of Exposure - The Law of Exposure says that your boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in relationship. We have many boundary problems because of relational fears. We are beset by fears of guilt, not being liked, loss of love, loss of connection, loss of approval, loss of connection, loss of approval, receiving anger, being known, and so on. These are all failures in love and God’s plan is that we learn how to love. These relational problems can only be solved in relationships, for that is the context of the problems themselves, and the context of spiritual existence. Because of these fears, we try to have secret boundaries. We withdraw passively and quietly, instead of communicating an honest no to someone we love. We secretly resent instead of telling someone that we are angry about how they have hurt us. Often, we will privately endure the pain of someone’s irresponsibility instead of telling them how their behavior affects us and other loved ones, information that would be helpful to their soul…
An important thing to remember about boundaries is that they exist and they will affect us, whether or not we communicate them….we suffer when we do not communicate the reality of our boundaries. If our boundaries are not communicated and exposed directly, they will be communicated indirectly or through manipulation. When our boundaries are in the light, that is, are communicated openly, our personalities being to integrate for the first time. They become “visible”, in Paul’s words and then they become light. They are transformed and changed. Healing always takes place in the light….
God wants real relationship with us and wants us to have real relationship with each other. Real relationship means that I am in the light with my boundaries and other aspects of myself that are difficult to communicate. Our boundaries are affected by sin; they “miss the mark” and need to be brought into the light for God to heal them and others to benefit from them. This is the path to real love. Communicate your boundaries openly….
God has probably led you out of captivity also. Whether it was from a dysfunctional family, the world, your own religious self-righteousness, or the scattered ness of being lost, he has been your Redeemer. But what he has secured needs to be possessed. The land to which he has brought you has certain realities and principles. Learn these as set forth in his Word and you’ll find his kingdom a wonderful place to live.”
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 11/16/2009 10:42:13 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline
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June 9/06
Thank you, blessed Lord, for your constant presence in my life; for the wonderful time of fellowship I had with C this afternoon; for how you touched my soul with the video and you, my Lord, being the “Living Water”; for Barton’s book; that Mom found her scribbler; for this journey you are taking with me.
More from Boundaries. Chpt 6 - Common Boundary Myths
"Myth #1: If I Set Boundaries, I’m Being Selfish - ..one of the main objections to boundary setting for Christians: a deep-seated fear of being self-centered, interested only in one’s own concerns and not those of others. It is absolutely true that we are to be a loving people. Concerned for the welfare of others. In fact, the #1 hallmark of Christians is that we love others (John 13:35).
So don’t boundaries turn us from other-centeredness to self-centeredness? The answer is no. Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others. People with highly developed limits are the most caring people on earth. How can this be true? First, let’s make a distinction between selfishness and stewardship. Selfishness has to do with a fixation on our own wishes and desires, to the exclusion of our responsibility to love others. Though having wishes and desires is a God given trait (Prov. 13:4), we are to keep them in line with healthy goals and responsibilities.
For one thing, we may not want what we need."
Boy is that true of me! I’m being told or taught that I need “relationships” and I feel that I have enough. I like being by myself. I often feel stressed out and tired out when I spend too much time with others. I never want to be someone who always has to be surrounded by people, someone who never stops running and doing and running and doing ad infinitum. There is something distasteful about that to me. Yet I suppose my liking solitude as much as I do is probably distasteful to some people.
"…God is much more interested in meeting our needs that he is granting all our wishes….It helps the Christian afraid of setting boundaries to know that God meets our needs…At the same time, God does not make our wishes and desires “all bad” either. He will meet many of them. Even with God’s help, however, it is crucial to understand that meeting our own needs is basically our job. We can’t wait passively for others to take care of us….Even knowing that “it is God who works in us.” (Phil. 2:13), we are our own responsibility. This is a very different picture than many of us are used to. Some individuals see their needs as bad, selfish and at best, a luxury. Others see them as something that God or others should do for them But the biblical picture is clear: our lives are our responsibility…
A helpful way to understanding setting limits is that our lives are a gift from God. …If a lack of boundaries causes us to mismanage….(God) has a right to be upset with us. We are to develop our lives abilities, feelings, thoughts and behaviors. Our spiritual and emotional growth is God’s “interest” on his investment in us. When we say “no” to people and activities that are hurtful to us, we are protecting God’s investment. As you can see, there’s quite a difference between selfishness and stewardship.
Myth #2: Boundaries Are a Sign of Disobedience - Many Christians fear that setting and keeping limits signals rebellion or disobedience. In religious circles you’ll often hear statements such as “Your unwillingness to go along with our program shows an unresponsive heart.” Because of this myth, countless individuals remain trapped in endless activities of no genuine spiritual and emotional value. The truth is life-changing: a lack of boundaries is often a sign of disobedience.
People who have shaky limits are often compliant on the outside, but rebellious and resentful on the inside. They would like to be able to say no, but are afraid…An internal “no” nullifies an external “yes”. God is more concerned with our hearts than he is with our outward compliance. “For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgement of God rather than burnt offerings.” (Hos. 6:6) In other words, if we say yes to God or anyone else when we really mean no, we move into a position of compliance. And that is the same as lying. Our lips say yes, but our hearts (and often our half-hearted actions) say no. …
Here’s a good way to look at this myth that boundaries are a sign of disobedience: if we can’t say no, we can’t say yes. Why is this? It has to do without motivation to obey, to love, or to be responsible. We must always say yes out of a heart of love. When our motive is fear, we love not. The Bible tells us how to be obedient. “Each of you must give as you have made up your mind, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” (2 Cor. 9:7)…Each of us must give as we have made up our minds. When we are afraid to say no, our yes is compromised. God has no interest in our obeying out of fear “because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love (I John 4:18). God wants a response of love. Are boundaries a sign of disobedience? They can be. We can say no to good things for wrong reasons. But having a “no” helps us to clarify, to be honest, to tell the truth about our motives; then we can allow God to work in us. This process cannot be accomplished in a fearful heart.
Myth #3: If I Begin Setting Boundaries, I will Be Hurt by Others - Is it possible that others will become angry at our boundaries and attach or withdraw from us? Absolutely. God never gave us the power or the right to control how others respond to our no. Some will welcome it; some will hate it…..We can’t manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them.
Boundaries are a “litmus test” for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can’t respect our boundaries are telling us that they don’t love our no. They only love our yes, our compliance…Setting limits has to do with telling the truth. The Bible clearly distinguishes between those who love truth and those who don’t.
First, there is the person who welcomes your boundaries. Who accepts them. Who listens to them….This person I called wise or righteous. The second type hates limits. Resents your difference. Tries to manipulate you into giving up your treasures…If telling the truth causes someone to leave you, this gives the church an opportunity to provide support and a spiritual and emotional “home” to the abandoned person…Will some people abandon or attach us for having boundaries? Yes. Better to learn about their character and take steps to fix the problem than never to know.
Bonding First, Boundaries Second - You must have places where you are connected, where you are loved unconditionally. It’s only from that place of being “rooted and grounded in love” (Eph. 3:17) that you can safely begin learning to tell the truth, This is how you can prepare yourself for the resistance of others to your setting of biblical boundaries.
Myth #4: If I Set Boundaries, I Will Hurt Others - Appropriate boundaries don’t control, attach or hurt anyone. They simply prevent your treasures from being taken at the wrong time. Saying no to adults, who are responsible for getting their own needs met, may cause some discomfort. They may have to look elsewhere. But it doesn’t cause injury. THIS IS A CRUCIAL POINT.
We all need more than God and a best friend. We need a group of supportive relationships. The reason is simple: having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human. To be busy. To be unavailable at times. To hurt and have problems of their own. To have time alone. Then, when one person can’t be there for us, there’s another phone number to call. Another person who may have something to offer. And we aren’t enslaves to the schedule conflicts of one person. This is the beauty behind the Bible’s teachings on the church, the body of Christ.
We’re all a group of lumpy, bumpy, unfinished sinners, who ask for help and give help, who ask again and give again. And when our supportive network is strong enough, we all help each other mature into what God intended us to be: “showing forbearance to one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit and the bond of peace.” (Eph. 4:2-3). When we’ve taken the responsibility to develop several supportive relationships in this biblical fashion, we can take a no from someone. Why? Because we have somewhere else to go.
Myth #5: Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry - It’s no secret that quite often, when people begin telling the truth, setting limits and taking responsibility, an “angry cloud” follows them around for a while. They become touchy and easily offended, and they discover a hair-trigger temper that frightens them. Friends will make comments like “You’re not the nice, loving person I used to know.” The guilt and shame caused by these remarks can further confuse new boundary setters.
So do boundaries cause anger in us? Absolutely not. This myth is a misunderstanding of emotions in general and anger specifically. Emotions, or feelings, have a function. They tell us something. They are a signal. Here are some of the things our “negative” emotions tell us. Fear tells us to move away from danger, to be careful. Sadness tells us that we’ve lost something - a relationship, an opportunity, or an idea. Anger is also a signal. Life fear, anger signals danger. However, rather than urging us to withdraw, anger is a sign that we need to move forward to confront the threat (I.e. Jesus in the temple). Anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated….angry feelings serve as an “early warning system” telling us we’re in danger of being injured or controlled.
…Anger also provides us with a sense of power to solve a problem. It energizes us to protect ourselves, those we love, and our principles. In fact, a common OT illustration of an angry person is someone with a “hard-breathing nose.” …
However, as with all emotions, anger doesn’t understand time. Anger doesn’t dissipate automatically if the danger occurred 2 minutes ago or 20 years ago! It has to be worked through appropriately. Otherwise, anger simply lives inside the heart. This is why the individual with injured boundaries are often shocked by the rage they feel inside when they begin setting limits. This is generally not “new anger” - it’s “old anger”. It’s often years of nos that were never voiced, never respected and never listened to. The protests against all the evil and violation of our souls sit inside us, waiting to tell their truths…Years of constant boundary violations general great anger….As hostile feeling surface, bring them to relationship. Confess them. The Bible tells us to tell the truth to each other about our lacks, so that we may be healed (James 5:16). Experience the grace of God through others who love you in your anger. This is a first step towards resolving past anger.
A second step is to rebuild the injured parts of your soul. Take responsibility for healing the “treasures” that may have been violated…As you develop better boundaries, you have less need for anger. This is because in many cases, anger was the only boundary you had. Once you have your “no” intact, you no longer need the “rage signal”. You can see evil coming your way and prevent it from harming you by your boundaries..
Don’t fear the rage you discover when you first begin your boundary development. It is the protest of earlier parts of your soul. These parts needs to be unveiled, understood, and loved by God and people. And then you need to take responsibility for healing them and developing better boundaries.
Boundaries decrease anger - This brings us to an important point about anger. The more biblical our boundaries are, the less anger we experience! Individuals with mature boundaries are the least angry people in the world. While those who are just beginning boundary work see their anger increase, this passes as boundaries grow and develop. Why is this? Remember the “early warning system” function of anger. We feel it when we are violated. If you can prevent boundary violation in the first place, you don’t need the anger. You are more in control of your life and values.
Myth #6: When Others Set Boundaries, It Injures Me - Having someone say no to our request for support leaves a bad taste in our mouths. If feels hurtful, rejecting or cold. It becomes difficult to conceive of setting limits as being helpful or good. Having to accept the boundaries of others is certainly not pleasant. None of us enjoys hearing the word no. Let’s look at why accepting others’ boundaries is such a problem.
First, having inappropriate boundaries set on us can injure us, especially in childhood. Second, we project our own injuries onto others. This, an inability to receive someone’s boundary may mean there is an idolatrous relationship….
Though we certainly need each other, no one but God is indispensable. When conflict with one significant person can bring us to despair, it is possible that we are putting that person on a throne that should only be occupied by God. We should never see one other person as the only source of good in the world. It hurts our spiritual and emotional freedom and our development…It’s crucial to develop several deep, significant relationships. This allows those in our lives to feel free to say no to us without guilt because we have somewhere else to go. Fourth, an inability to accept other’s boundaries can indicate a problem with taking responsibility…It’s helpful to remember Jesus’ Golden Rule here: “In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.” (Matt 7:12). Apply it to setting limits. Do you want others to respect your boundaries? Then you must be willing to respect the boundaries of others.
Myth #7: Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt - One of the major obstacles to setting boundaries with others in our lives is our feelings of obligation…The idea is that because we have received something, we owe something. The problem is the nonexistent debt.
The love we receive, or money, or time - or anything which causes us to feel obligated - should be accepted as a gift. “Gift” implies no strings attached. All that’s really needed is gratitude. The giver has no second thought that the present will provide a return. It was simply provided because someone loved someone and wanted to do something for him or her. Period.
That is how God views his gift of salvation to us. It cost him his Son. It was motivated out of love for us. And our response is to receive it, and to be grateful. Why is gratitude so important? Because God knows that our gratitude for what he has done for us will move us to love others…..What do we owe those who are kind to us, who have genuinely cared for us? We owe them thanks. And from our grateful heart, we should go out and help others. We need to distinguish here between those who “give to get” and those who truly give selflessly. It’s generally easy to tell the difference. If the giver is hurt or angered by a sincere thanks, the gift is probably a loan. If the gratitude is enough, you probably received a legitimate gift with no feelings of guilt attached.
Myth #8: Boundaries are Permanent, and I’m Afraid of Burning My Bridges - It’s important to understand that your no is always subject to you. You own your boundaries. They don’t own you. If you set limits with someone and she responds maturely and lovingly, you can renegotiate the boundary. In addition, you can change the boundary if you are in a safe place."
June 11/06
Thank you, Lord, for being the wonderful, awesome God you are and for loving me.
Very sore today; back, shoulders, knees. Could hardly make supper; Jason had to help. Glad I’m seeing Dr. L tomorrow.
Was looking at e-mail’s D sent. She at least fights for what she believes in. I don’t have any argument with the things she’s involved in, but I have my reservations about being a “lobbyist”. I suspect that her son could use some of her attention and energies. I suppose I shouldn’t be critical. At least compared to her, I’m hardly a reactionary. Who pays “lobbyists” in Canada? Where does she get her income?
June 12/06
Thank you, Lord, for this day, for my time with Dr. L. I pray for your leading and guiding me as I feel quite unsettled today. I had a real hard time feeling focused during my silent time today. Must remember that sometimes that is just the way it is.
B.C. got down right MAD at D for her e-mails. She issued an apology. I wonder what the upshot will be. Also gives me second thoughts about my memo.
Dr. L still thinks I should send the memo. I really feel confused. Is it a lack of faith? Fear of the consequences? He also suggested a 2 evening satellite broadcast by Gary Smalley about relationships at S.P. Alliance. I don’t know who I should ask to go with me. P?
I expressed my confusion, my push/pull reaction to reaching out, to finding a group of Christian friends to be “authentic” with, feeling a need for a mentor. I don’t know how to go about it. I’m afraid of being hurt & of being humiliated. I have to get off the pot about this. Why do I feel as if I’m taking up people’s time? Is it because I feel that way about E?
Then I get an e-mail from L. Wednesday is I’s birthday and she wants to turn my house into “party central”. I have no idea where I would start! Now I feel pressured. I called L and we had a few laughs about it. She said she’s hoping to get a hold of J to see if she can pick up a birthday cake. L is taking her for supper and they probably won’t get here until 7:30 (so what’s new). I told her I have never put on a party and not getting around makes it difficult. I admire how L seems to take everything so calmly.
I have a call in to G about tomorrow night; if she comes, perhaps we can stop and get a few things at the dollar store.
I think I want to go to bed and stay there!
I don’t like feeling so wishy/washy. Watched the “Red Rock” video and enjoyed it.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 11/18/2009 10:48:22 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline
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June 15/06
Thank you, Lord, for this day, for a good night’s rest, your Word, my study time, that things went well for Mom and Dad re the blood tests, etc., for my talk with DD; that I finally phoned P.
Well, its been a couple of days. On Tuesday I went to the “Survey” at the church. DATS was late and in the end I didn’t get to church until 7:30 PM. G fell asleep and was late as well (but earlier than me). Good turnout though. Interesting survey. I felt that we fall short on communications and what the church’s plans are and very short on training for leadership (or anything else for that matter). It was interesting that one of the questions was how often we have other church members in our homes for coffee or a meal and how much time (outside of church activities) we actually spend with church “friends”. I also didn’t feel that the pastoral staff was particularly open to hearing personal problems or dealing with them on a long term basis. In other words, they don’t seem to be interest in pastoral counseling.
Pastor D seemed to be in a good mood. He mentioned that he feels his responsibilities are teaching, something else and vision. He obviously can’t do everything; no one can, but he also has problems with delegation. He doesn’t want to deal with some things, but he has a hard time letting go of whatever he delegates. L was seemingly on a wrant to Pastor D about something (I suspect it had to do with small groups).
G and I went for coffee with LB after. My nasty inner self sat there and thought “what am I doing here with these women?”
On Wednesday, G was kind enough to pick up some birthday stuff for I and came early to help which was really nice. She even studied her Bible while I finished getting ready. I am still not always remembering to pray (thank goodness J reminded me). Lord, I pray for your reminding me to pray at the beginning and the end of our meetings. We certainly got off topic; didn’t even finish item 4. Most of the ladies seem to enjoy this going off track and in a way so do I. L asks a lot of questions; so does S. It was interesting and good to see the interplay going on, but I think I’m going to have raise the question if this is what they prefer. I’m quite willing to go with it, as obviously most of seem to need the fellowship, including me.
L was nice enough to phone me and thank me for yesterday. But truly it was her idea and G did all the stuff. She had asked me to e-mail her some stuff on “cults” so I did a little bit today on JW’s. I also called P today. She’s still doing year end, but she sounded eager enough to get together. Again, Lord, I pray for your guidance as I open myself to counsel and accountability and growth with other mature Christians.
June 16/06
Thank you, Lord, for this day, for my fellowship time with C, for your Word. You are a great and awesome God. Know one can fathom the extent of your love, your faithfulness, righteousness, wisdom and knowledge.
Lord, I seem to be kind of far from you today. I feel very, very tired and somewhat down. I don’t know why. I know these times come and I will never let you go because you promise to never let me go.
Got a call from senior's apartment organization, southside today, advising they have a 1 bedroom available. I don’t know if this lady called Mom or not. I don’t know if I should tell Mom or not. Our first focus is Dad. I’m going to call DB and discuss it with him.
My back is still very bad. I pray that it gets better soon.
DD has gone to _____ this weekend. Lord, I pray that you will keep her safe and bring her back safely to us.
Don’t feel like making notes on anything today. Though I might search the net for “Bible Reading Plans” and who knows what else. If I can’t find one, I think I’ll try to do one up from my Quest Study Bible so I can give it to the ladies.
June 17/06
Thank you, Lord, for a much better day; that Mom seemed happy about the 1 bedroom apartment, that DS called, for your Word, for my study time today, for my time on the phone with S, for my telephone discussion with DB last night.
Back still hurts really bad. Could be my hips as well (from past experience).
Some more stuff from Chpt 8 in Boundaries: Boundaries and Your Friends:
“Let’s look at friendship as comprising people we want to be around just for their own sake….
Having different friends for different activities is no blot on the relationship; it might help their friendship in the long run. …
The aggressive controller could really benefit from honest feedback from loving friends on how she runs over people and how she can learn to respect the limits of others. …
Boundary conflicts in friendships are difficult to deal with because the only cord tying the relationship together is the attachment itself. …
We hear this thinking in many Christian circles: “If you don’t like someone, act like you do.” Or, “make yourself love them.” Or, “commit to loving someone.” Or, “choose to love someone, and the feelings will come.” Choice and commitment are elements of a good friendship. We do need more than fair-weather friends. However, Scripture teaches us that we can’t depend on commitment or sheer willpower, for they will always let us down. … Even when we commit to a loving friendship, bad things happen. We let them down. Feelings go sour. Simply white-knuckling it won’t reestablish the relationship….
As we stay connected to god, to our friends and to our support groups, we are filled up with the grace to hang in there and fight out the boundary conflicts that arise. Without this external source of connection, we’re doomed to empty willpower that ultimately fails, or makes us think we’re omnipotent. Again, the Bible teaches that all commitment is based on a loving relationship. Being loved leads to commitment and willful decision-making - not the reverse…..All friendships need to be based on attachment, or they have a shaky foundation. …
It’s scary to realize that the only thing holding our friends to us isn’t our performance, or our lovability, or their guilt, or their obligations. The only thing that will keep them calling and spending time with us, and putting up with us is love. And that’s the one thing we can’t control. At any moment, any person can walk away from a friendship. However, as we enter more and more into an attachment-based life, we learn to trust love. We learn that the bonds of a true friendship are not easily broken. And we learn that, in good relationships, we can set limits that will strengthen, not injure, the connection.”
I kind of have to chuckle reading this book. It seems to be assumed that everybody has at least a couple of dozen “friends”. Maybe that is the norm. I’m not sure, I guess, what my definition of a friend is. S is a friend; she knows everything about me and still loves me. I don’t want to get into this too much, but perhaps what the authors are trying to say is that we have different friends based in different attachments. Duh! Sometimes I can be really dense. I sometimes wonder whether the “support group” they keep talking about is supposed to be made of “friends”. If there is too much attachment, then won’t we probably end up crossing boundaries? Obviously, I have a lot to learn both about boundaries and about friendship. They acknowledge that you can’t love out of duty or guilt. Being friendly (out of “Christian love” as defined in the book) and being “friends” can be 2 different things. I don’t really want to be “friends” with everybody I meet. I may be friendly or pleasant because I think I should be (duty?) but I can’t say I have this great “love” for people in general. That doesn’t make me sound very Christian or Christlike. Lord, help me to love like you do.
On to Part 2: Boundary Conflicts, Chpt 7: Boundaries and Your Family:
“Many marriages fail because one partner fails to set clear boundaries with the family of origin and the spouse and children get leftovers….An adult who does not stand on his own financially is still a child. To be an adult, you must live within your means and pay for your own failures….
Triangulation is the failure to resolve a conflict between 2 persons and the pulling of a 3rd to take sides. This is a boundary problem because the 3rd person has no business in the conflict, but is sued for comfort and validation by the ones who are afraid to confront each other. This is how conflict persists, people don’t change, and enemies are unnecessarily made….Triangulation is a common boundary problem with families of origin. Old patterns of conflict between a parent and a child, or between 2 parents, result in 1 family member calling another family member and talking about the 3rd family member. These extremely destructive patterns keep people dysfunctional. …
Good boundaries prevent resentment. It is good to give. Make sure, however, that it is the proper amount for your situation and resource. …
Your family members are the ones you learned to organize your life around, so they are able to send you back to old patterns by their very presence. You begin to act automatically out of memory instead of growth. …
When we become part of God’s family, obeying his ways will sometimes cause conflict in our families and sometimes separate us (Matt. 10;35-37). Jesus says that our spiritual ties are the closest and most important (Matt. 12:46-50). Our true family is the family of God. In this family, which is to be our strongest tie, things are done a certain way. We are to tell the truth, set limits, take and require responsibility, confront each other, forgive each other and so on. Strong standards and values make this family run. And God will not allow it any other way in his family."
BOY! Is the above paragraph good! But it’s also scary. Must share and discuss this with P.
"This in no way means that we are to cut other ties. We are to have friends outside of God’s family and strong ties with our family of origin. However, we need to ask 2 questions: Do these ties keep us from doing the right thing in any situation? And Have we really become an adult in relation to our family of origin? If our ties are truly loving, we will be separate and free and give out of love and a “purposeful” heart. We will stay away from resentment, we will love with limits, and we will not enable evil behavior. If we are not under “guardians and managers” as adults, we can make truly adult decisions, having control over our own will (I Cor. 7:37), subject to our true Father. …
Maybe we are still entangled because of a need to be loved, or approved of, or accepted. You must face this deficit and accept that it can only be met in your new family of God, those who are now your true “mother, father, brothers and sisters”, those who do God’s will and can love you the way he designed.
It is not enough to understand your need. You must get it met. God is willing to meet your needs through his people, but you must humble yourself, reach out to a good support system and take in the good. Do not continue to hide your talent in the ground and expect to get better. Learn to respond to and receive love, even if you’re clumsy at first."
AGAIN, THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH HITS RIGHT FOR MY HEART.!
I don’t really know if I have forgiven my parents. I still feel a lot of hurt if I let myself think about things too much. I hate to say it, but what I feel mostly is duty, responsibility and often irritation or even numbness, I don’t feel much of anything, which doesn’t sound so good.
"When you react to something that someone says or does, you may have a problem with boundaries. If someone is able to cause havoc by doing or saying something, she is in control of you at that point, and your boundaries are lost. When you respond, you remain in control, with options and choices. If you feel yourself reacting, step away and regain control of yourself so family members can’t force you to do or say something you do not want to do or say and something that violates your separateness. When you have kept your boundaries, choose the best option. The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are. …
The best boundaries are loving ones. The person who has to remain forever in a protective mode is losing out on love and freedom. Boundaries in no way mean to stop loving. They mean the opposite; you are gaining freedom to love. It is good to sacrifice and deny yourself for the sake of others. But you need boundaries to make that choice."
Well, enough for today.
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