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RE: Musings and Stuff - 8/29/2009 10:55:00 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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This come after post #48
My DD's wedding in the fall of 2000 was a wonderful time. She truly enjoyed her day and it was lovely to see. My ex gave me a compliment that day, saying that "I had done good" with the kids. There is much I wish I had done better or more of or differently but it was nice to get the affirmation. I was lucky because he always supported my decisions and the kids never played us against each other. God no doubt was looking after his lost sheep.
The next spring my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. This is always news no one wants to hear. My DB and his wife offered to take Mom and Dad into their home so Mom could have treatment in their city and they would both be taken care of. It was a wonderful, very generous offer. Time was of the essence, so there was a rush to pack stuff for an extended stay. DD and I went over to help Mom pack, but she was, with good reason, highly stressed and not being very reasonable. DD is an excellent packer, but when she went back the next day, everything had been repacked in order to ensure that there wasn't an ounce of air in any box, notwithstanding the disparate items packed together. It was Mom's way or no way so it made it difficult to help.
Dad could of course sense the tension and this of course set him off. He became very angry and belligerent. By the end of the packing process he was throwing things at Mom. It was a very tense time.
Finally the move was done and Mom's treatment began. It was difficult for everyone adjusting to the new situation. My DB and my Mom don't really communicate well. It's like they talk past each other and not to each other. I was still making the daily phone calls and ended up taking on the role of interpreter and mediator, which in the end didn't really work. It's so hard to know how a big change like this will be for all parties and unfortunately the adjustment never really took place. But thankfully everyone hung in there. God is so good; Mom did very well with her chemo. However by the time it was over five months later there were a lot of fractures in family relationships which would take some time to heal.
Mom and Dad returning home was another adjustment. While Mom's treatment was successful, she was suffering much pain from her spinal stinosis and this made things very hard.
I can't remember exactly when it happened but we ended up making application for Dependent Adult status for Dad. My DB, Mom and I were appointed his guardians and trustees. This allowed my DB to take care of many things that were just too much for Mom.
Work continued with its ups and down. I thought I was doing quite well. My health was starting to suffer though. The arthritis was becoming more severe. Sometimes my legs would just go out from under me and I would end up doing face plants wherever I happened to be. Managed not to hurt myself too badly but it was always scary and very embarrassing. 
In the next few years I ended up in hospital for my asthma a few times. I think the stress of work, my parents, the increasing pain I dealt with on a daily basis all had an affect on the asthma. I realized that you don't breathe normally when you are in pain.
There were so many times I wished I could just move far away and not have to deal with stuff. Very childish and silly, I know, but being Mom's emotional support was really hard on me. I tried to kindly point out that she had two children; perhaps she should air her concerns with both of us instead of just me. That just flew over her head. It was difficult because while she didn't like making decisions, she sure didn't like doing what someone else suggested either. So there were many feelings of being on a speeding merry-go-round.
I'm just going to deal with my outside world to date and then will go back to dealing with breakdown #3, my re-dedication to the Lord and hopefully make it to the present so that this blog can become a more "current" record of my journey. But I think that's enough for one day.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 8/30/2009 11:02:40 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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The last few years at work are kind of a blur to me. I think I was just winding tighter and tighter; no doubt I would soon implode.
Dad continued to deteriorate slowly. Numerous discussions were had as to when he should be put into a home. In the end they all came down to the same thing - Mom would always say "I'll just keep doing it until I can't." I feel so totally far away from being that devoted and self-giving. I'm not so stupid as to realize that it wasn't always altruistic, but I do entirely admire her perseverance. Even when she was crying from frustration, her final remark was always "Poor papa, he can't help it." These times, which became more frequent, resulted in a dual, almost opposite reaction in me. Frustration, because no one wanted to make a decision to put him in a nursing home; and guilt, because I could never do what she was doing.
During a visit from my DB and his wife, Dad came close to being physical with my SIL. They took him to the doctor and they put him on Respirdol (? spelling). It makes me wonder how much he had done to Mom. I knew that he sometimes grabbed her and shook her and no doubt he hit her a few times. But God was watching and kept her safe. Sometimes she would admit he had been rough and I would suggest grabbing anything, a broom, something just to give him the idea he couldn't do that. Her reply would be "I can't do that." This used to drive me crazy. I would tell her to at least leave the house and go to a neighbors.
Finally, one day, she had had enough. My DB and his wife came. They took Dad to the hospital in the middle of the night and just said that Mom couldn't deal with him anymore. That was the only way to get him into the system without getting stuck on endless waiting lists. Dad seemed calm that night, but the next day when they tried to get him settled into a room, it took three people to keep control of him. It was heartbreaking.
I think Dad was in the hospital for about a month before a place was found for him in a nursing home. Some time back Mom had put her name on the list for an apartment in an assisted living seniors complex. Her name had actually come up a few times and she had declined the chance to get him. But again, God was in control. Not long after Dad was in the hospital, a new apartment became available and Mom took it. We decided we would rush moving her as it was important to allow her time to dismantle her life and prepare for the move in her own time. I think it took almost two months before Mom was ready to move, but at that point she was as ready as she could be. The apartment had been cleaned and totally repainted and it was very nice and cozy.
While Dad was placed in a nursing home on the same side of the city as Mom was in, it was too far for her to get there. She had never driven and taking a bus was very inefficient. She had to rely on rides in order to visit Dad, which I think was for the best.
Most of these care facilities are understaffed but they do the best they can. Dad wasn't the most easy to care for patient. While he was mobile, they kept trying to leave the building. He was never terribly cooperative either. One day he had an "accident," slipped and fell and broke his hip. He was taken to the hospital for surgery and thereafter was no longer mobile. A few months later, he developed pneumonia and we thought we would lose him, but he was a fighter and made it through.
The complex Mom lived in had a nursing home as well. When an opening became available, Dad was moved to the nursing home. Mom now started going three times a day to feed Dad. Finally this became too much and she had to stick to twice a day. We often wondered how often he would get fed or looked after if Mom hadn't been there. Because he couldn't communicate, he was often overlooked. I could go on a regular tirade about the healthcare system, but there is really no point. Nothing is going to change for the better.
During the last few weeks, Dad mostly slept, often didn't eat. He passed away in January of this year. Mom was grateful that she was with him when he died.
I thank the Lord, that Mom has done so well these last few months. While she misses Dad of course, I think she was as prepared as one can be for his death. Her faith is so strong and she is constantly rejoicing about her relationship with the Lord. And she is enjoying her Bible like never before. We have wonderful conversations about scripture and its lovely to share these things together.
They also have quite a few activities for the residents. She really enjoys her Bible study, her hymn sings, birthday parties, etc. I'm so glad she has some time to just enjoy what's available and not have to worry about anyone but herself. I pray that God will give her a few years of this as she spent almost fourteen years caring for Dad. She is close to quite a few amenities like grocery stores, doctors offices, etc.
Well, I guess I can't avoid this anymore. Next time I will have to start dealing with my own journey these past six hears.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 8/31/2009 10:35:21 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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I find it very strange that my memories of the last six to nine months at work is so vague. The mantra "three strikes and you're out" kept going through my head. Somehow I felt that where I was headed was going to be the end. "No more, no more" would repeat in my head, but no more of what? My physical health was getting worse. The last few months I was plagued with eye infections. I remember being so frustrated that I could hardly see the computer screen. I remember using a magnifying glass. Must have been a pretty pathetic figure. Even after I was no longer working these eye infections bothered me off and on for over a year. Was this God's way of showing me how utterly helpless I was? I don't know; I just knew I had hit bottom and didn't care if I ever came up.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 8/31/2009 10:55:39 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Journal entries late August or early September 2003
I don’t like the place I’m at. I think I’m just going through the motions to get people off my back. I’m still
Scared
Not sure if I want to go on
So tired
So discouraged
Ashamed
Embarrassed
Humiliated
I’ve been here too many times already. If this is all I have to look forward to, there doesn’t seem to be much point in wasting the effort. Every time I get here, I have less and less strength to move on, less desire to bother trying. I’m 52 years old and I don’t believe the odds are very good that who I am will every change very much. Dr. Lim asked where I wanted to be in 15 or 20 years. Right now, to even think like that is ridiculous! I don’t know if I want to be here tomorrow, never mind next week, next month or next year, never mind 10, 15 or 20 years.
I know that life throws things at you that you can’t control. Most of my life feels like it has been pure reaction to what was thrown at me, with few or any decisions being my own. Even starting with that as a premise, I believe I’ve dealt with whatever was thrown at me to the best of my abilities, or at least my abilities at the time. So in that respect, I don’t feel that I’ve been a failure.
I must digress here as something I was thinking about yesterday has just popped into my thoughts, and that is my inate dislike of the word “to win”, “be a winner”, “to be a success”. These words, these phrases, leave a bad taste in my mouth. They bring to mind cults, the old time hillbilly preachers who had people shaking in the aisles and speaking in tongues. It’s a mindwash, an opiate to keep the masses trudging onward and staying out of the way of the powerful few. All of these self-help books throw out examples of some of the most powerful and wealthy people in the world, but temper it with telling us we don’t have to be rich or powerful “to win” or “to be successful”. Granted, this is an oversimplification. A fair bit of the advice and suggestions in these well-meaning books is valuable and can be encouraging and uplifting, at least for the moment. Much of this advice we already know, but we forget or don’t find the time to remind ourselves or encourage ourselves as we should. Obviously, that’s one of my biggest problems. I’m not sure exactly where I want to go with this, but I know I want to take it further in the next few months.
I’m also uncomfortable with the tapes Dr. L gave me to listen to. They make me so tired. All this striving, pushing forward, giving 100%. It’s all too much! And this book on leadership?! I don’t want to lead anyone!! I want less, not more! Maybe it’s just too soon for this. I know that Dr. L means well, but we’re not starting from the same place. I don’t know if he has actually read the last couple of books he gave me. Because they sure are not striking any chords.
I’m tired! I’ve done the striving and trying and giving 110% I just want peace and contentment. You have to give to receive, but I don’t know what I have to give. How can I give if I don’t know who I am?
Don’t feel all that great physically; cold seems worse. Called Mom; she’s really down, so I end up feeling helpless and guilty. Hopefully a better day tomorrow.
I don’t want goals, I’m tired of them. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life setting goals, meeting goals and I’m worn out. I don’t know if I am making it clear enough to Dr. L that I need to just “be”, to float, to not strive. I don’t want to think about the future. I just want to go from day to day, enjoying the lack of stress, the lack of required expenditure of energy toward some politically correct goal. Dr. L wants this journal to be about good things, things I’m grateful for. For right now, I’m grateful for just being able to enjoy just “being” me at a very basic level. That’s enough for today. I’m not going to allow myself to deal with these things now.
I hurt so much, I just sat down and cried and felt sorry for myself. My right hip is really bad, my hands hurt and the rest of my body is really achy. I feel feverish and chilled, but am not running a fever. Don’t know if it’s some kind of cold/flu thing or a bad attack of arthritis. Wish I didn’t have to make daily calls to Mom.
Definitely not well physically; achy, low fever, coughing, sneezing. Have had the air-purifier for 1 day. Didn’t use oxygen last night and slept well. Haven’t used nebulizer today either, so I suppose it’s doing some good. Have a tendency to get weepy over stupid things. Felt bad because I didn’t feel well enough to have DS and his girlfriend over for supper; shed a few tears. Stupid. Writing this is making me cry. My homework is ****ing me off. I don’t think I have what it takes to turn things around. Maybe I just don’t care enough. Blah, Blah, Blah!!!
Feel a bit more “positive” today. Found another word that irritates me – “marketing”. I hate sales pitches, for anything. So much of what we hear is just words put together in such a way as to “suck you in”. And it seems that people want to be “sucked in.” For example, how the office decides to buy a photocopier or a computer system. The people who make the decisions to buy are the ones that use the equipment the least! They get a sales pitch that the machine can do 1001 things but the reality is that only 15-25% of its capabilities are required. We need photocopiers that can keep working for hours without jamming every 5 minutes. We need basic endurance, not flash. But they push the flash and the staff have to put up with the lack of endurance! I guest this boils down to a lack of honesty or plain speaking. Perhaps my revulsion of some terms is a direct result of my lack of self-confidence. But I generally see the business world as hostile. I feel like I have to interpret what people are saying, because most of the time what they say does not translate to what they mean. Maybe it’s the profession I’m in that affects me this way. The bottom line is always the all mighty buck (or power, basically the same thing). These are old complaints and I shouldn’t even bother going there. But that’s part of the problem. I don’t know where or in what direction I want to go. In addition, I don’t feel ready or willing to think about that yet. So that’s where I’ll be for today.
A sorrowful day. Don’t know why. Tears just flowing. Mournful. Don’t really want to think about anything. Hopeless. Afraid. Don’t want to deal with anything. No more.
Oct. 5/03
I don’t know why I’m bothering with this. Dr L only wants to see or hear the positive. So would I. Yet it seems beyond me. Teary today. Characteristics of being suicidal seem to apply. Homework deals with 2 things I don’t seem to have – goals and belief.
CLARIFICATION - "Homework" refers to books and tapes that Dr. L gave me to read and/or listen to. He had offered to counsel me and I agreed.
Oct. 7/03
Encouraging study portion about self acceptance and self forgiveness.
Oct. 17/03
It amazes me how my feelings can change so abruptly. Before seeing Dr. L on Wednesday, I was so low, I was ready to be hospitalized; yet once talking with Dr. L, I felt quite good. I wish the extremes would lessen. It’s one of the things that scare me; these highs and lows.
Started my “tasks” today. Keeping it simple. Boy! Am I out of shape. But I’m going to try not to beat myself up about it. Just trying to take baby steps.
Oct. 20/03
I’ve decided that my attitude about housework is Peaceful Phlegmatic. This is because (a) I have no real interest in it, and therefore (b) I’m not good at it. All my best efforts were never enough for G or Mom, so I decided “just screw it”. No positive feedback, so “who cares!”.
Still getting side-swiped by tears, suicidal thoughts. Try to think about something positive or pleasant, but the power of the reaction almost lays me low.
Oct. 21/03
Why can’t I feel without tears???!! Still thinking about suicide too much. As soon as I try to look far ahead, I can’t face whatever it might be and start thinking about ending it all. Perhaps I just have to learn to face one day at a time for now and don’t think about the future at all.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 9/1/2009 10:54:36 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Oct. 22/03
Feel unsettled, hate it when glasses don’t seem to fit, dry hands, itchy, add muscle spasms, not comfortable in my own skin. Between eyes watering and glasses not feeling right, I sometimes feel like screaming. Too bad!! Don’t have enough air for that! I would just choke! I don’t know what to write, am scared of really letting go; did that last time and am too afraid to think positively about the future or to think about a future at all. Certainly not anything I would commit to paper! Basic problem – DON’T WANT TO GO THERE!! Don’t want to go anywhere. Not back, not forward, just curl up and stay still.
Oct. 27/03
My arthritis is so bad right now.
Started Bible study today.
About all I can feel positive about is my breathing and exercise regime. But I guess that’s a start.
Also starting on the cleaning, but I get so winded I can’t do much at one time. So hard to stop smoking.
Oct. 29/03
Arthritis very bad, hands, hips, back Hands going numb, ****ly feeling and throbbing.
Nov. 13/03
I feel so numb today. Yesterday was so long and painful. I don’t know what Dr. L wants of me. According to him, I need to socialize, join a church group, go and workout. How can I go anywhere? I don’t drive, I have agoraphobia, money is tight. A lady doctor who works with him and is on mat leave teaches some course at a church “alf…something’. They talk about things like the meaning of life, forgiveness. I just laughed. I cry about anything that touches me. How can I enter into a room full of strangers and trust myself not to react badly??!! I told him about the “forgiveness” retreat I went on and how I was so deeply touched by it, but I ended up crying so hard the people conducting it were afraid for me. I know I made everyone extremely uncomfortable. How do I choose a church or a group to attend? I know all my objections are also excuses, but they are real nonetheless. Dr. L says I just have to budget for these things. Yah!! Until I start getting disability cheques there is nothing much to budget. Told him as usual I’m waiting for an $800 refund from Blue Cross. He was stunned at that and I said “Well, that’s my life”. He kindly gave me a bunch of samples of the drugs I’m on which was really nice of him and it will help some, but the bottom line is I put out about $1,000 a month for medications. It gets refunded, but I'm always waiting. I found myself laughing, then crying; a lot of conflicting thoughts in my head. I’m talking, not complete sentences, starting another topic, can’t get it all out. And I can feel him wanting me to feel like I’m making progress. It’s all so absurd! Then I go to the office to send off the LTD application. Everybody running around like crazy, the tension so high I can’t breathe. I couldn’t escape fast enough. By the time I get home, I’m so tired and low I just bawl. Slash and burn, slash and burn; these words keep running through my head. How will I ever be fit enough to go back. All of that rushing, interpreting, dodging bullets. I’m so tired of the pain, physical and mental. I can’t imagine belonging anywhere. Am I just being a big baby? How can I function when my hands hurt – don’t always do what I want them to; I can’t stand for long, I can’t walk far. I’m scared of outside. And somehow I’m supposed to think positive about the future, set goals, go after them. Even after 4 months, I just don’t want. Don’t want the stress, the lies, the pain, the pretending. And let’s face it. I don’t have any friends, I don’t have any balcony people. I think I’ve scared the last of them off! Not that I blame them. I just want peace, not pain; quietness. I’ve done all that striving stuff. Where did it get me? I’m trying to open up to God but does that mean acceptance of everything he throws at us? That’s where I have a problem. But then again, what are the alternatives? So somehow God is going to make me accept the pain, give me peace to deal with a hostile world, get over the agoraphobia and in return I'm to take all the **** that comes my way with good grace? I’ve broken down so many times, how can I believe and go on? I feel so numb, heavy and slow today. One day out in the so called world (and only on the fringes at best) and I’m a wreck. So! Is the writing worth it? Who knows???
Nov. 15/03
So much pain today! Got up early, went to the bank and then for groceries. Groceries are exhausting at the best of times. Just barely get home and DD calls. DD and SIL are bringing over their kitchen table for me. So rush and clean off the old one. By this time I’m exhausted and starved. Make breakfast/lunch and DD and SIL come. No big deal. They get things moved around; Glenn works on the basement steps; they fix the cupboard downstairs. I don’t know what I would do without them. Finally, a nice hot bath and go lie down. Stupid me. It feels so good to be resting, but I hurt so bad I can’t sleep. Still, the rest is nice so I lie there for an hour (should have just gotten up and taken the Tylenol). Finally get up; take the Tylenol and read the paper until the pain eases a bit. Get up to change the bed, do laundry, etc. but I hurt so bad I just can’t. Can barely walk. The point is, how the hell can I work, when just this kind of a day lays me so low. Pain, pain, go away. I’m obviously not growing old gracefully! Just a big baby I guess. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Nov. 16/03
The same old problem – I don’t want. These motivational books rest on the premise you WANT, either more of something, to improve yourself, to be more successful. How can you get enthused when (a) you can’t focus on wanting anything; (b) you have absolutely no energy. I want the lack of things – less pain, less exhaustion, less stress, less manure; I don’t want to deal with the world. I’ve done all the striving, goal-setting, working hard. I’M JUST SO TIRED OF IT ALL!!!
Nov. 19/03
I’m so discouraged. Everything (or most) of what I read stresses the importance of goals. I don’t have any!!! And have no idea where to start!! Ditzler emphasizes that you must really want something, that the goal should not be a “should” goal, “you must be motivated to give it your best shot”. I have no motivation at this point. Just getting through each day is a major accomplishment. Not thinking about ending it for a day is a major accomplishment, one which I don’t think I have achieved. Yesterday, just finishing up my homework, feeling OK, the thought hit me, out of the blue “It’s time to go. I don’t want the kids to remember me this way!” And the tears just poured. I DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM!! And then today Joyce Landorf deals with chronic pain and learning to accept it, yet not feeling bitter toward God. That's a bit of a stretch, at least right now. What a sad excuse for a human being; a big crybaby. When I started the Ditzler book, I though writing down my accomplishments sounded like a good idea. But when I start to think about it, it’s like they fade away, or they’re all tainted in some way. I’m scared about this time of year as it always seem to depress me further.
I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. But then again, I don’t know if I even want to. I think Dr. L is disappointed with me; don’t blame him. Reading about goal setting doesn’t give you goals. How can you get motivated about nothing!! I can’t make up goals to please someone else. Perhaps I have difficulty with setting out my accomplishments because it means going back to the past and I don’t want to go there either, because isn’t that how I got here?
DD and I had such a nice time on Monday, yet I came home and just cried and felt so sad.
All of this just breaks me up so bad. I feel like I’ll never stop crying.
Nov. 23/03
That’s it!! Enough of this goal ****! I’m sick of this goal setting, striving, accomplishing, succeeding, winning. If I read it one more time, I’ll burn it!! I must make it clear to Dr. L, NO MORE! Does he have some kind of plan here? How does he pick what to give me for homework? There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. I guess it shouldn’t much matter as none of it seems to be “taking” anyway. Dr. L is a kind and compassionate man but he just avoids things he doesn’t want to deal with or perhaps doesn’t know how to deal with. I don’t know how many times I’ve mentioned the agoraphobia. It’s like he figures that if my head gets to a better place, it will disappear. But it has been almost 2 years now. I know the obesity doesn’t help the arthritis, but I think something is hitting a nerve in my back. I can hardly stand for any length of time. Perhaps its time for X-rays again. Why bother.
It was so wonderful to talk to S on Thursday. One of the few people I can just say it all to, no matter how bad or scary it is. I probably poured my heart out to her more completely in 1 hour than all my sessions with Dr. L. Thank you, Lord, that you brought us into each other’s lives!
I’m worried about December, early January. I always get so depressed when it’s over. Must ask Dr. L which hospital I should go to if I can’t handle it.
Dr. L means well, telling me to go to Aglow, go work out. And I probably should. But when your emotions are so out of control, it’s nearly impossible to go alone into a setting with total strangers. That’s asking a lot of someone who is never sure about being here tomorrow. Just getting through each day is major accomplishment; if I actually manage to do something constructive, that’s a big plus. Then, of course, if I do, it takes a couple of days to recover.
This has not been a good couple of weeks. Too many highs and lows. I’m more worn out that usual.
Dec. 3/03
Reading Norm Anderson’s Book and some recent thoughts:
I remember as a young person, a new Christian, becoming obsessive about my every thought and feeling great amounts of guilt over thoughts I believed were sinful. At puberty or just prior to it, I was filled with shame at my “sinful” thoughts and curiosity about the male body. I remember constantly praying and apologizing to God for this “sinful” behavior. In retrospect I think I found that trying to please God and be “good” including having “good” thoughts was so onerous as to be impossible. In reading Norm’s chapter of the sureness of the existence of hell, I remember in my youth asking the question “Is being saved as a result of fear of going to hell a legitimate experience of ‘being saved’. Even then I suppose, I wanted a relationship with God to be “pure” based on choice and love and not a “sullied” response to the fear of going to hell. These reactions still trouble me. Obviously, these reactions or obsessions make it impossible to “enjoy” a relationship with God. It also directly relates to how I have reacted to other things in my life that have brought me to this point. Because it was make clear to me as a child that we are all sinners, I got so wrapped up in “apologizing” to God and examining my every thought and deed that the whole concept became too onerous, there was no way I could be good at this, at being a “Christian”. I had been taught that God was a forgiving God, but notwithstanding, I came away believing that you had to be constantly on guard against Satan, who would use any opportunity to make you sin. It became too much for me, there was no joy in it, no life in it.
Even though I am older now, I realize that these experiences and thoughts in my youth are still with me and make me leary and afraid to enter into a relationship with God.
I also have problem with not knowing God’s plan for me. The thought crossed my mind the other day, that perhaps my “mental” or “emotional” illness is the cross God wants me to bear, for his own reasons, which I will never know. Can I accept that? Live with that? This really scares me.
I feel like a failure already. Can I bear to feel a failure to God? Does God really speak to us? Are you less of a Christian if you aren’t getting any messages? I get so confused about all this. Is not a relationship with God supposed to be empowering? To give you strength to deal with the bad times? And bring joy to you?
Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 9/3/2009 10:52:48 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Dec. 4/03
Between Norm’s book and Ms. Radomsky’s, I’m just bursting with thoughts and feelings. I didn’t find the first part of Radomsky’s book overly interesting but by the time I got to her lunch with Ellen (pg. 118), it all began to gell. 30 years after the height of the feminist movement, we have fooled ourselves into thinking we’ve made it; or at least made significant progress. And we have. But just not as much as we think or society seems to think. There are many women lawyers, doctors, some judges, CEO’s etc. We seem them in TV shows and movies. We read novels with “successful” women. But much of the so-called societal acceptance is, I believe a “politically correct” response. It’s much easier to say what is wanted than to face the reality. Nellie and Ellen talk about their own experiences in traditionally “male” professions and confirm (& affirm) how much effort they expend in trying to be “heard” by their male peers; the constant needing to be or feel validated, truly accepted. It’s obviously not a question of intelligence. Women can become doctors, lawyers, etc. but in addition they are expected to fulfill traditional roles, i.e. mother, wife, comforter, provider of “emotions” or emotional support not normally expected of males. I’m getting kind of side tracked here. But it all fits into the pain that women often feel. We may speak, but we do not feel that we are heard.
I grew up feeling it was better to keep my mouth shut. I wonder if that’s why I stuttered. Don’t make waves, don’t point out any inequities, don’t fight to be heard, keep the peace, be the dutiful daughter, do as you’re told, be happy with what you have, don’t expect more, don’t expect praise or thanks, your reward would be in heaven. That’s not to say I had it bad. We had a “nice home”, sufficient clothing, food, piano lessons, skating, skiing, hockey, bible camp etc. But I never felt I belonged there. I stayed to myself a lot, with my head in a book. I had friends at school and in the neighborhood, went through the usual junior high crushes and cliques. But even then, with my earliest “boyfriends”, I always felt that I was “second best” or just not quite good enough. There were always girls I knew who were prettier, more vivacious, more sure of themselves as females, even at that young age (early teens). Yet at the same time, I managed to be part of the group or “in crowd” I felt was the best one, but kind of on the edge. I made some friends at church as well, but I only saw those people at church or church related things. Occasionally I would spend a week-end at one of my church friends’ house or vice versa, or Sunday afternoons, so it was difficult to maintain close friendships.
But back to being “heard” and “validated” and “affirmed”. My family was not physically affectionate. Mom wasn’t too bad. She was more affectionate. Dad was with my DB(although I gather when I was the only child, my Dad was quite attentive, but once DB came along, that changed. I know we would sometimes kiss Mom & Dad goodnight; I never felt I could talk to my parents, not that that was unusual at the time or every in this day and age. I guess its just the generational thing. But it’s funny, I don’t remember Mom & I doing things like going out for lunch or going shopping, just for the heck of it. How sad!
Even as far back as Grade 5 and 6, I used to study until late at night and then get up at 4:30 or 5:00 AM to study more. I did really well in school, but I wanted so much to be praised, to feel acknowledged for m y effort. All those times I came home with my report cards bursting with pride. The only way my Dad knew how to show approval was with money. So certain marks were worth a $1 or whatever. Mom would be more obviously pleased. Dad would say “Good, good”. And then in the end,
DB would get the same as me, no matter the differences in our marks. I wished, just once, after my brother was asleep, Dad would come to me with some special acknowledgement, but he never did. Mom could see my disappointment, but she was always “don’t make a fuss” or Dad is proud of you too, he just doesn’t know how to show it.” I remember once speaking up and saying “Why should I work so hard when DB always gets the same no matter what?” And Dad just said “If you don’t want the money, you can give it back.” I finally made myself sick by studying so much (this was probably grade 5) and I remember the doctor saying it was probably part of the onset of puberty.
In grade 6, I finally snapped out of it a little. I ended up with the “dragon” of the sixth grade. She was big into art and it’s definitely not my strong point. Having a 97% average wasn’t good enough for her. I was supposed to “open up, let the art flow, be flamboyant….”. She embarrassed me enough that I finally got mad enough to stand up for myself. We were discussing some topic and she asked for my opinion. I gave it, but since it didn’t agree with hers, she started to put me down and I finally got mad and said “I gave you my opinion. You asked for it. Just because it doesn’t agree with yours doesn’t make it wrong.” I must have shocked her (I seldom spoke in class because I was afraid to stutter). I kept up my side of it until she made me leave the room to go stand out in the hall. I was so proud of myself. I stood in the hall, grinning like a fool. Everybody in the class was so excited and kept going “all right”, “good for you”, all during recess. It was probably my best day in school in all the first 6 years. At the age of 12, I had finally in some small way, found my voice. To top off that year, my submission for the art exhibition came in second (a paper mache stegosaurus which I made with Gary, who I’d had a crush on since grade 1). When we came to pick up the prize money (I was already in grade 7 then), I told her that she was taking art out of children by embarrassing them and hurting them. She tried to get me to admit it was because of her I won, but I wouldn’t give in. I said the work was technical, not creative. I had won in spite of her. Probably not the best way to handle it, but it was important for me to take credit for it. This was, I believe, a very major point in my life. I don’t know if I have enough knowledge or the ability to explain why this was so important, but I will try. Up to that point in my life, I was defined by what I didn’t do. Not altogether; my teachers gave me a certain amount of praise for good work. I got some personal satisfaction from getting good marks and I have always loved books and studying. But getting good marks, doing well in piano, letting DB win, not bothering my Dad, staying out of trouble at school, behaving quietly when visiting, all became expected. I wasn’t a total angel of course. I would argue about the clothes Mom would want me to wear, doing dishes and the usual, but more often than not, I was a “good girl”. Reaching puberty at 12 may also have had some affect. By this time I had made up my mind that the way Dad treated Mom was demeaning and unfair and I think these episodes in Grade 6 was part of my saying “No one is going to do that to me and get away with it”. Do you see the problem with that sentence? Yes, they might do the same thing to me, but I wouldn’t take it quietly. Maybe that’s the problem. I didn’t necessarily get stronger; I just got louder! I think deep down inside in some way there is something in me that cries out against all the unfairness and this has always been with me. I’m not saying this right. Maybe that first Grade 6 outburst was my first real howl of pain. I felt pained for my mother, frustrated because I couldn’t change it and she didn’t seem to need to change it. My lack of understanding about her reaction (or lack of reaction) enrages me. I know that God gives her immense strength. She truly believes the God never sends us more than we can bear He will reward us in heaven. But does believing that mean you have to let this world walk all over you, you must always turn the other cheek? What I see as her weakness is really her strength. This is getting very confused and complicated.
This brings me to Mary’s story in Radmosky’s book (Chpt 14, pg. 127). Her story is tragic; I felt such pain and confusion when I read “To submit to her husband and to God”. Tears poured down my face. Somewhere, I equate submission with annihilation and I’m afraid that I will lose myself before I even find myself. And yet, as Dr. L says, what are the options? I fear submission, but yet, what am I doing now but submitting to the pain I feel. What can’t I just accept? Life and what it brings, human frailties, especially my own. I’m afraid of submitting to God will be worse than marriage. I’m afraid that by submitting my life to God I will spend the rest of this life afraid to offend him and constantly apologizing to him, as I did as a child.
This is getting to be too much already. Will have to try again another time.
Dec. 5/03
Here I thought yesterday was tough! Reading today in Chpt. 9 in Norm’s book (pg. 103). That last paragraph on page 107. I have no self esteem as it is; now to get to heaven, I have to admit I’m, nothing but a piece of ****; I deserve hell fire and damnation, just by being alive, to repent for my whole life and turn my “back on it in every shape and form.” No!! I don’t think I can do that. I won’t give up my videos and books. I will not keep bugging my children and people I know about God. Mom successfully pushed her grandchildren away by pushing and pushing. To this day, one of the problems I have with talking to Mom about these things is that her voice changes, almost sickeningly sugar sweet with a hint of condescension. It allows no discussion; she is sure she is right and makes sure you know you are wrong, bad.
I don’t know that I agree that only Baptists or whoever will go to heaven. What is different about evangelicals? Will they go to heaven? Why differentiate different churches?
Pg 112 “it is not a prayer that saves you. It is trusting (believing in) Jesus Christ that saves you.” Again, I don’t trust and I don’t believe or don’t trust what I want to believe.
Why did God even bother to create man since it seems he’s going to end up destroying most of us (even though we’re doing a pretty good job of that ourselves). Why did he give us intelligence? I don’t want to only listen to “Christian” music, only read “Christian” books, only spent time with “Christians”. I know – Christians are only human and subject to the frailties of humans, but that’s one of the things that pushed me from the church. Too many sanctimonious biddies. Supposed pillars of the church who were really arrogant.
I remember going to a youth retreat in W. It was after a meeting or service and this one kid, B, was being kind of a jerk in the foyer as we were all leaving. B had been around for years, had come to camps and other things. His family life wasn’t good and he was a troubled kid, but he was at least still coming to these things. Anyway, the pastor of my church came out into the foyer, but instead of just calling B on it as would be expected of an adult, he very loudly pointed at B and told all the rest of us that we should stay away from people like that. To this day, I can’t believe such a thing happened. I was so shocked and angered. Yes, Pastor K was just human too, but he was not someone filled with God’s love. So much of what I was taught was about turning your back on the world. Yes, we had to live in the world, but we could not be a part of it. Everything else was all evil, of Satan. How can a child grow up feeling like they can’t be a part of the kids she goes to school with. Oh yes, be nice to them, you can play with them at recess, but your REAL friends should be those at church. How lonely that is. No wonder I never felt like I belonged. No wonder most teenagers in the church rebel when all there is to sustain you is Sunday school, maybe children’s choir, vacation Bible school and summer camp and lots of boring adult sermons that you can’t begin to understand, but through which you must sit quietly.
It can be hypnotic. Some of the more charismatic preachers or evangelists who come to town for revivals could really move me. Even after I was “saved”, these things tore my heart out and I would rededicate my life to God, but it never really took. It’s hard, it can sound so good, the music is so beautiful and people are going down the aisles, and for me, always the tears, but the next day and day after it just isn’t there. Why did God not speak to me? I felt like he had forsaken me, not the other way around. I would make myself nuts trying to be good, think good thoughts, read the Bible. I loved hymns as a child; I loved playing them on the piano.
I don’t know where this is taking me. I’m scared to go to church on Sunday. If I shed one tear, I’ll be finished.
Maybe this is the connection I felt yesterday between Radomsky’s book and Norm’s, and my experiences. No only does the world not hear me, but God doesn’t hear me either. The world doesn’t speak a language I can understand anymore.
Enough. I think I must leave this at least until Monday.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 9/6/2009 10:56:21 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Dec. 8/03
I sure know how to set myself up to feel bad. I go to such extremes and I should know better. Going to church went alright. Didn’t cry; didn’t embarrass myself and hopefully didn’t embarrass anybody else. But it sure did exhaust me. But feeling pretty good about it, the old mind started thinking about doing the living room floor, planning anyway. Then the morning comes and it’s more than I can face. Taking out the bloody garbage is about enough panic for one day! Then I pick up Radomsky’s book to finish it and I am again devastated. Am I becoming Barbara (pg. 148-149)? Am I Barbara? I know its up to me. But it means another journey and I’m tired of traveling. Maybe that why “journey” is another word I hate. Pg. 151 “….this journey… means understanding that in this culture all women experience abuse in some sense and it the sense of the feminine that is so abused, denied and silenced. It is the sense that the part of you that is intuitive, that feels emotion, that is connected and opposite to the rational and self-sufficient masculine sense, that is so silenced. Somehow in this process of silencing of the feminine voice we see women in pain – women dislocated from the meaning of the pain in their bodies – women no longer connected to their bodies.” YES!! Even Dr. L (who really is a very compassionate man) prefers to talk about “programming”, “changing the program” in the mind. Sure some of this stuff makes sense (the psychocybernetics, etc) and provides definite food for thought. But when I remember back, all the examples (or most) cited were about men! Men don’t want to deal with feelings, emotion, intuition. They want facts, science, rationality and we’ve bought into that in order to attain “equality”, but at what a price! My family wasn’t comfortable with feelings either. It wasn’t a place where you could feel comfortable expressing feelings.
“Inevitably healing from chronic pain is about finding and trusting that inner wisdom within yourself.” Oh, how I want that! I love Radomsky’s “committee” reference. That makes the different voices in my head sound a little less crazy!!
Radomsky’s “lost voice” – “You learned your lessons so well. You learned to silence me. You learned to shut me out, because you needed to survive. You learned to speak only the words that they wanted to hear and that meant you were silenced most of the time. You did not learn to speak your truth. You needed to survive in a world that does not value my guilt voice – the voice of woman, the lost voice. To hear me will take work for you. It will take courage to begin to listen to this lost voice – to learn to hear the voice of the feminine. To learn to believe in who you are and to have the courage to speak your truth will take practice for you.”
Part of my conflict with reading this book at the same time as Norm’s book is that Radomsky’s book touched my loss of self, my need to find me, to see my life as having been worth something, to find something that will give me a reason to want to go on. On the other hand, Norm’s book seems to devalue us as individuals. God requires our admission of our sinful nature and submission of ourselves to God and his plan for us (whatever that is supposed to be) and to listen to God’s voice.
ON ONE HAND, I’M ENCOURAGED TO FIND MY VOICE, MY SELF AND ON THE OTHER I AM SUPPOSED TO GIVE UP MY VOICE, MY SELF.
My confusion is great! Will my tears never end??!!
Dec 9/03
I’m afraid to write today. I feel like the first time in my life, God has spoken to me through His Word. Who would have thought it? Jonah! I can’t help but think about the last few weeks of study. Something is working here, but I’m still leery. Part of the study deals with witnessing for God. I can’t do that yet. But perhaps I should not worry about that. The feeling was so strong, but also mixed with anger. Why has he not spoken before this? Has all of this mental and emotional torture been his way of slowly bringing me in? Or is it his way of showing me how futile my life is? All of these things make me angry.
I’m afraid to go to church on Sunday. Studying this passage in class could be emotional for me. I feel that in the past, I have been caught up in the moment many times, but it has never stayed with me. I need to hear God directly. I think my liking of the people I met at church has made me admit to myself (at least kind of) that I need people. And these people seem to be so friendly and kind; and I’m so needy. I don’t want to confuse my neediness with what is going on between God and me, if anything is. I know that I will need the support of others, but not yet. I have to make the commitment alone. Maybe I’m still fighting God, but I feel He let me down and I’m scared of jumping on the bandwagon because the ride seems to inevitably end. The little glimpse today has shocked me pretty badly. This is also so exhausting.
Dec. 14/03
Lord, why am I sad today? I think it’s because I know what He wants. He wants it all and I’m afraid to give it all. Reading John, Chapters 3 and 4. It’s so clear what He wants, what is required for salvation. Obviously I don’t want to give it. Just plain selfishness? Fear? Both? Probably both. Reading through “Book of Bible Promises”. It seems that the Christian life is filled with periods of doubt, lack of connection with God, periods where God chooses to be silent. This all sounds as bad as what I’ve been going through already. Which brings me back to the hell-conversion question I discussed with Dr. L. I feel seeds of obsession springing up like in my youth. My mother’s faith is so strong and yet even she blames herself for being down or depressed, saying if she had more faith, she wouldn’t feel this way. That sounds no different than me being hard on myself. This is getting all mixed up again. Church today was OK. 5 baptisms. I don’t know; I feel like hiding again. It’s all so tiring…
John, chapter 3. God wants it all. He wants my soul. But I want it first. I don’t think today is going to get me anywhere except more confused. Best to leave it for now. Why does God make us with intelligence, the ability to think for ourselves, then basically tells us to not worry about figuring it out, just believe in him? Why do we have to fight all our life long, AGAIN AND AGAIN. I don’t understand – WHY HAVE A MIND THAT WANTS TO KNOW, TO EXPLORE, TO UNDERSTAND when it seems God just wants absolute faith, believe without proof. An inquiring mind is therefore a burden SO WHY DID HE GIVE ME ONE???!! He is trying to speak to me but He’s just making me angry again. Why does He make me suffer so? He wants everything His way, in His time and for His reasons, all of which are to remain mysterious to us. THAN WHY give me a mind? Giving in to him is like giving up. But the other side is I already was/am ready to give up. But if I give up myself to him, I know the road is going to rough. HE MADE ME, SO WHY CAN’T HE FIX ME ON HIS OWN? WHY DOES HE HAVE TO MAKE ME CRAWL TO HIM??!! THAT SOUNDS PRETTY SICK. AND IT MAKES ME MAD!!!. Reading “Promises”, it’s like He’s always letting out the line and than hauling us back. Talk about yanking on my chain! And I’m supposed to look forward to a lifetime of that?
All I read in “Promises” scares me. Why did He not speak before? Me – yielding, submitting – Him – winning. This is all to His glory? It sounds like more to His ego! Always testing us! He’s harder on us, then we are on ourselves! (or so it seems).
He wants us to obey!
Spiritual tug-of-war!
INSERTION: I must have quit writing for a few months or else there is another book that is missing. I do know that in January of 2004 I was totally suicidal, feeling there was nothing to hold on to. The blackness of this period was unbelievable. To this day, I don't know what kept me alive (no doubt it was God, but I wasn't conscious of Him being there).
March 11/04
I get more confused by the day. If I leave God in control of my life, then what is it I’m supposed to do. I’ve prayed and prayed for direction, what God wants me to do with my life. I feel like I’m at the edge of the abyss again. So much in the Bible has touched me, but there are also things that seem so contradictory. God says he will empower us, but then he says his strength comes or manifests in our weakness. I feel so stuck. Just thinking about going back to work terrifies me, puts me into a panic. I have my doubts about ever recovering from this breakdown. Dr. L has intimated that it’s likely I will have other breakdowns. What good can possible come from more of this pain? I don’t know what God wants from me. I’ve given it to God but now I can’t seem to function. The tears are always so close to the surface. I have no friends, my daughter is pulling away from me. I try and I pray for more faith, trust, but there is this guilt thing, that if I don’t feel God’s presence or feel his direction in my life, it is my fault because my faith isn’t strong enough; I haven’t relinquished control of my life to God, that it’s my fault. Shades of my earlier Christian experience and I can’t deal with that. Is part of it because God is a ‘he”? I know I’m a sinner, that without God I’m nothing. But I still feel like nothing. God, what do you want from me???? Yes, God, you work in mysterious ways and I have to accept that it’s not for me to understand. I’m supposed to believe that whatever You do is for the best. So what is it You’re trying to tell me? Being crazy is my cross to bear? I don’t know, Lord, I need something more concrete because I’m going backwards here and it’s scaring me. Sometimes Lord, I feel such comfort from Your Word, but I don’t feel strengthened. I don’t feel you have a plan for me or at least I haven’t found it yet and quite frankly, I don’t know where to look or even where to start. I’ve tried to tell myself that this is my time to study Your Word, to let Your wisdom strengthen me and some days that works. You gave me my temperament. Is that my cross to bear? I have more questions then answers, Lord.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 9/9/2009 10:53:41 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Mar. 15/04
My pain could be so much worse. Lord, help me to appreciate the good things in my life. Am I in some kind of holding pattern? I don’t feel like I’m getting “well”. I don’t feel I can cope with the world; is that because I don’t have enough faith in God? Lord, I’m so stuck, I don’t know what you want from me; are you going to change me? how will you use me? Will I ever feel strong? Lord, please give me some answers, because I’m so tired of all this. It’s very hard to keep going. Please heal my body and my mind. Some days I feel the beginnings of hope, but nothing seems to come out concrete. I don’t know WHAT TO DO???!!! Even something simple.
Mar. 17/04
Thank you Lord for the comfort and blessing in Psalm 103:8-12 and in 2 Corinthians 1:3-7. I so needed the comfort and assurance of your compassion today. Again and again, your Word touches my heart. Take away my unbelief and open me to your love, compassion and comfort. Help me to remember these precious promises all the days of my life. All praise to You.
Mar. 30/04
I don’t know if I’m truly crazy or under Satan’s spell. Dear Lord God Almighty, I’m fighting you and don’t really know why. I have such anger and pain that is still not being dealt with. I don’t understand how You could do what You did to Job. It was incredibly cruel; it included what must be called murder. And for what?! To win your game with Satan?! That makes it look like a power trip. Granted, when You’re “Almighty” you can do whatever you want. But do you want our fear or our love? I don’t know if its possible to love someone you fear. It sounds pretty twisted just on the face of it. Can someone truly claim to love You when the inducement is fear of hell? That sounds so distasteful. You only seem to want us weak and scared. When we worry about not having enough faith, you tell us that it is through our human weakness that you can show us your strength. In other words, it seems that faith varies at different times in our Christian life, but it is one way we grow, with your help. At other times, we are castigated for not having enough faith. You say that you will empower us – I don’t get that at all. I admit that at times your Word comforts me and I’ve seen you answer prayers. Your forgiveness knows no bounds. You are always there for us.
You know my fear about becoming obsessive about what you want from me. That keeps creeping up on me and I hate it. I don’t know what you want me to do. I feel weak, guilty and worthless. Your love hasn’t really changed that. I want your love, but I also need strength to go on and I don’t feel that I’m getting it. You may not feel it necessary to explain things to us mere humans, but that being the case, I don’t think we humans should have to feel guilty when your actions hurt us and confuse us. I gave you myself to do with as you see fit. It was sincere. Lord, my earlier experiences with Christianity left a bad taste in my mouth. I didn’t feel you there. I’m angry about Christian churches, so-called. Lord, I’m trying to have faith, but I told you in the beginning that I have problems with faith and trust. I don’t know how to get more of it. I really don’t. So is that something else I have to feel guilty about? Lord, I’ve never really felt like I belonged anywhere. I would like to feel I belong to you. Yes, I’m a sinner, no argument there. But if my relationship with you means more guilt feelings for me, I might as well jump off a bridge, because I really can’t take any more of it. I don’t feel like I’m getting any better; I’m no more ready to go out into the world than I was back in August. I need answers on my health too. Well Lord, I’m exhausted. Please give me a good night’s sleep. I will have to be more faithful and continue with journaling. There is so much pain and anger I have to get rid of and Lord, I need you to help me with that.
March 31/04
Why did Jesus have to speak in parables? Even his disciples had to ask what he meant. That doesn’t sound very fair. Even Jesus said many righteous men wanted to hear but didn’t. If his disciples didn’t understand what chance did the average person have?
You say you love me? THEN WHY AM I GOING INSANE??!! What do you want from me? What??? If it’s all predestined and I’m not on the list, tell me now because I can’t take this any more. You want us crawling and begging. Does that make you feel powerful? I feel like nothing already. How much lower do you want me to go?? Lord, you better do something soon, show some mercy, something, before they pull me out of the river! You made me, so fix me! And yet, you have answered prayer. I’m so hurt, so angry and so tired.
O Lord, please forgive me. Please help me. Please Lord, also please look after Mom and continue to love and comfort her. Keep my children safe.
April 2/04
Lord, you really upset me in Hebrews 11. After listing all the great people of faith, then you admit they never saw any of the promises you made to them. You decided you had something better for them. I don’t understand how we can be told that you keep all your promises, when you don’t! So no matter what you promise, no matter whether you keep your promises, we are just supposed to say “he knows best” and that’s it?! I have a real problem with that. If we are supposed to accept whatever you do and don’t do then why bother giving us intelligence. There is so much I don’t understand.
April 3/04
Mark 4; first parable, verses 10-12. I don’t understand why Jesus used parables that couldn’t be understood. The explanation in the side note suggests “Jesus concealed the truth from those who reject his message” – but then why didn’t his own disciples understand? It looks like I’m not one meant to understand. To me the big sticking point is if his own disciples needed explanations, what chance did the multitudes he preached to have of ever understanding. Kind of a loaded deck!
I should read more Psalms in praise of God and quite being so selfish.
April 13/04
My heavenly Father, thank you for Dr. L! Thank you for my verse today – Romans 15:13. Help me to seek and memorize many of the wonderful words in your book. Again, I marvel that Ephesians was part of my study today, just as Dr. Jeremiah is preaching about it. Lord, help Mom to be feeling better soon. Please keep Dad calm.
April 14/04
Thank you Lord that Mom liked my birthday card and that DD and SIL's flowers came. Lord, you know what’s best; Mom takes Dad’s behavior better than I. I know he’s ill and can’t help it, but Lord, it would be so good if he could just calm down. Help me to accept what has to be. Please keep them both safe.
April 15/04
Praise God! The wonder of your presence in our lives! Mom told me that Val called her yesterday with a verse she wanted to give her. Amazingly, it was the same verse I gave her just the day before – Romans 15:13. Lord, I feel such excitement about this! How wondrous are your ways! Then in David Jeremiah’s book, I read about a lady who also cries at everything. How precious that is to me. And earlier in the book, a woman with mental health problems, who loves you dearly despite her depressions. These things give me so much hope. Just knowing there are other people out there who are like me in some way is so comforting. Thank you Lord for these blessings!
April 17/04
My precious Lord, I thank you for Dr. Jeremiah’s book. His faith and his relationship with you is so special. I must learn to always ask that your will be done; to keep my eyes on you. I don’t know if these painful boils are a test, my arthritis, etc. If it is thy will, please heal me of this pain or help me to accept it as part of your will. Oh God, there is still so much I don’t understand. I’m trying to leave things in your hands. Never leave me, Lord! If this is my “bend in the road”, please be with me all the way and forever and give me strength to get through it.
April 18/04
Dear heavenly Father, please fill my heart with love, clean my speech. I don’t know why IR calls me; help me to accept that some people actually like me. Lord, I know I’m nothing without you. I thank you and praise you that I ended up with jobs that allowed me to support my children; that G and I didn’t let the separation and divorce get ugly; that my children love me, that Mom has never given up on me; that you haven’t given up on me. I’m trying so hard to trust you, but I’m frightened for my future. When will this inner pain stop? Lord you are almighty. I need your help so bad. Is it wrong to need to feel worthy? Of anything?
April 22/04
Just a question Lord – Why is a woman unclean for twice as long after giving birth with a female child? Psalm 8 – in praise of God, Psalm 9:1 & 2, 7-10, in praise of God. I must sing God’s praises when he delays.
April 24/04
Psalm 13 – use as prayer. Dear heavenly Father, give me strength to face life’s ups and downs. I need your help Lord, to finance the sleep apnea machine, to quit getting hysterical over little things, to quit swearing, to stop wanting to hide in the basement, to quit doubting my Christianity, to trust you to meet my needs as you have promised to do. Sometimes I feel like it never ends. If losing a lid cover makes me feel like I’m going to split apart, what can I expect out of life? Will I ever be able to function again? I make such a mess of things. Yet Lord, I feel some progress being made. The Psalms are teaching me to bring my troubles to you AND to praise you. I’m not very good at it yet. I worry because sometimes I find it difficult to express myself to you and that scares me. Lord, please help me to quit with this guilt thing, to quit second-guessing you and what’s happening to me.
April 26/04
Dear Lord, I thank you that I didn’t break down today. Sometimes I get so filled with emotions, I can’t express myself. You are all powerful, all loving. Sometimes I feel I’m never good enough. So much for tears today! Help me to share everything with you. Please don’t abandon me or move away from me. I’d like to feel safe from taking my own life, yet it sits there hovering over me. Please give me the strength, the right words and whatever it takes to get the loan for the CPAP. You pulled David out of his despair time and time again; please lift me up too.
April 29/04
Praise God, my heavenly Father, for your presence and guidance! Your strength has been with me as I arrange the loan for the sleep apnea machine. Let me never forget your goodness and mercy. Make my faith stronger, my praise to flow to you in love for your mercies.
May 1/05
In Numbers 5, it appears that even if a husband just has a jealous nature, it is the woman who suffers. Lord, what about the wrong the jealous husband has wrought? If the woman is innocent, the husband has done a wrong in falsely accusing her. Verse 31 says “The husband will be innocent of any wrong doing, but the woman will bear the consequences of her sin.” Is this a cultural thing? I realize we can never understand the ways of God and that the Bible was written thousands of years ago, but this kind of gender inequality is hard to accept. Even if a woman is to submit to her husband, this should not be deemed OK or approval of unfair treatment by the husband. My opinion, of course, is based on the assumption the wife is innocent. This is, of course, Old Testament law. Lord, I apologize if this is offensive to you, but inequitable gender issues are difficult for me to accept.
May 3/04
Thank you for another day, dear Lord. Feeling a little down; maybe just the arthritis or reviewing the guardianship and trustee stuff. Dr. Jeremiah certainly gets to the point. There is so much growing for me to do as a Christian. I don’t know why it’s hard to write sometimes. I thank you for the positive things you have made happen i.e. the loan, suicidal thoughts farther away, shared excitement with Mom about what she got from Turning Point. Keep me close to you, Lord. I have a tendency to look too far ahead and then get depressed and scared. Help me to trust you more and to listen for your guidance.
May 4/04
Almighty God, creator of the world, who loves us all, I need your strength to deal with my eyesight. Dear Lord, sometimes is so bad it’s scary. I pray that you will direct me to someone who can help, or if it is your will, to make my eyes considerably better.
May 20/04
I listened to the CD DB gave me and I was to terribly moved. Even after it was over, it just didn’t leave me. So at 10:55 PM I rededicated my life to the Lord. I confessed my sins to God, confirmed that I believe he sent his son to die for all the sins of the world and that he rose again. I asked God to come into my life and take control of it, to make me a shining light for him.
June 18/04
My hands are so tired, it’s hard to write. I may have to back off writing so much, since it’s getting so bad even I can’t read it!
June 19/04
Thank you Lord for this day. Lord, I’m worried about DS. Lord, help me to be able to reach him! He’s getting so thin too! This kerfuffle with the painting is tiring me. DD and SIL are so good to me. I thank you, Lord, for them and that I stayed calm today. But it was very tiring. I called GL to thank her for praying for Mom and I’m going to include her in my prayers. I’m going to church tomorrow, Lord, please make it a good experience.
June 20/04
Thank you, Lord, for a wonderful day! Church was wonderful! I pray that I will be able to make friends and enjoy fellowship here. It was nice to meet GL. I was so touched as well when DD called just before I left and offered to come and pick me up. We also had a great conversation on the way home. Praise the Lord! It was also great to share this with Mom.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 9/13/2009 10:53:03 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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June 26/04
I’m finding this rather difficult. I think writing like this reminds me of my last breakdown, where I wrote so much and even the beginning of this one. DD and SIL worked so hard today. I managed to keep it together, but I feel guilty and useless. Thank you, Lord, that I didn’t break down. My studies were good, lots of good verses. I’m becoming quite familiar with quite a few great things in the Bible. I wish I could learn it all, retain it all. I wish my hand wasn’t so weak. Looking forward to church tomorrow.
June 29/04
II Samuel 24. I don’t understand, Lord, why you were so angry. You allowed Satan to get David to take a census; 70,000 people died. It seems so unfair. I don’t understand this at all. Was this solely to inspire fear? It was so good to talk to Mom today about “A Case for Christ”. IR called today and we got into politics which was a mistake. I have to work to do in bringing my opinions in line with God’s laws and commands. So enjoyed my talk with Mr. G. It was more to share with him.
June 30/04
Dear Lord, I have just now realized the magnitude of the organization of the Israelites in the Wilderness. It’s totally mind-boggling. At least 2.5 million!! It’s hard to image. An example of your wondrous power and intelligence. One question though – How did everyone hear when Moses spoke? Interesting thought. Praise the Lord.
Aug. 17/04
Praise the Lord!! Wonderful session with Dr. L. First time I could say “Great” with feeling when he came in and asked how I was. How wonderful! Discussed the Mom/Dad situation, DS. But lot’s of praise and thankfulness to Jesus for all the wonderful things happening in me. Joy over the wonderful verses I’ve collected; my passion for study; feeling more sense of God’s plan for me coming in God’s good time.
Aug. 18/04
Wonderful God! Thank you that Dad has taken his pills twice now without making a fuss. I pray that you will continue to direct him in this. Praise your name! Thank you for answering our prayers. Mom had a good suggestion - have devotions first thing in the morning. Lord, help me to be alert enough and disciplined enough to do that. Sometimes I feel filled with joy and I want to praise God so much that I end up speechless which is really ironic. I’ve never been known for being at a lack for words. But with the Lord’s strength, I’m thinking less sarcastically too. I know I’m untested. Lord, help me to stay the course.
Aug. 23/04
Dear Lord, please direct Mom and DB and me as we deal with decisions concerning Dad. Dad hit Mom today (twice, it sounds like). Mom met with Dr. B as well; by the time they both got home, Dad was all lovey dovey. All this over the garage door. Thank you, Lord, that I can share this with DB and SIL. Thank you for the time I spent studying your Word and reading books by other believers. They are all so encouraging and instructive. Sometimes scary too, but that’s where faith and trust must come in.
Aug. 24/04
Good study day. Mom seems to be holding her own. She doesn’t plan to give Dad a second dose until at least tomorrow. I didn’t argue with her. Her faith is amazing. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know if she’s right or wrong. I’m praying about this too, but this might be one of those times where I have to accept whatever happens as part of God’s plan. Dad is still being all kissy, kissy today. I tried to tell her that even if he’s fine for weeks at a time, hitting her is just not acceptable. This is so tuff. Lord, I know that hard times will come and I pray that I will stay the course and never turn from you. Keep your love around us. You do answer prayer and I know that. Help me to focus only on you, more and more. Fill me with the Holy Spirit and work in me so I grow in you. So often I’m feeling something (scared, doubting, etc) – and God’s Word just opens up to something that deals with it.
Aug. 25/04
Lord, thank you that Mom and Dad are OK. Forgive my lack of faith. Help me to let go. But then again, maybe I’ve let go too much. I’m incapable of making decisions it seems. And keep DS and DD safe. Give me love and patience with DS. Is it guilt he makes me feel? I don’t know, but Lord I want so much to be closer to him. And self control, Lord will I ever have it? Lord my tears never seem to end. I don’t know how you can possibly use them. And my heart is so tender! You do answer prayer. Mom and Dad are safe. Thank you. Be with Mom tomorrow; help the treatment not to be so painful this time. Lord Jesus, please give me the characteristics of the Holy Spirit; I know I have some, but please work through me. If it be thy will, give me some control over these tears without hardening my heart. Dear God, you are so mighty, so powerful, loving and patient. Forgive my lack of faith, my temper today with Mom and DS, my criticism. I need you so much to make my spirit more loving, more kind and gentle, but yet have strength from you. Help me to remember that growth takes time. I can’t do it all in one shot. I thank you for my conversation with IR. She is definitely a kind person. Help me not to criticize. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. IR and I were sharing. Take away my guilt, my always blaming myself. You love me, help me to love myself and those around me. I’m created by you; I’m unique with God given talents. Help me to work on whatever is good; take away the negativity. Help me to draw the line between negativity and a realistic outlook. And you are always with us in our pain and sorrow. Please be near to me.
Aug. 26/04
Lord, thank you for Dr. Jeremiah. He hit the nail right on the head today – AGAIN – talking about fear. Again, I praise and thank you for answering prayer, for hearing my prayer, for soothing my pain and for answering. Praise the Lord from whom all blessings flow! Lord, I don’t know why I seem to learn things the hard way. Forgive me, Lord. I thank you for the progress I’ve made. You’ve brought me so far from where I was 13 months ago. I praise you for your loving kindness, that you never give up on us. Be with DD and her dad on their trip and bring them back safely. Lord, help Mom to be right; I hope DD and DS have seen some change in me for the better. Keep the lines open between DS and I. And I pray that I will gain some self-control, but thy will be done. If my tears can be used for your glory or to help someone, then I must readily accept them as a gift from you. Reading Warren, I’m not terribly sure what my gifts are. I would think empathy, a sensitive heart, a sense of humor, a love of study and a growing love for your Word. Thank you that I didn’t hurt myself much when I fell. I pray that Mom will feel better tomorrow.
Sept. 2/04
Lord, forgive me for spending too much. Help me to try harder. I don’t know what I should be doing. I have a hard time distinguishing between what you handle and direct in my life and what I should be doing. I guess the “handle” shows my mistake. Lord, I think I’ve gone to the other extreme; please forgive me and help me to find the right balance. Is this discouragement? Is it patience I need? I’m getting very confused. Do I want or expect too much? Help me to be thankful. Lord, you’ve saved my life, now work through me and use me. I’ve been avoiding the smoking thing. I desperately need your help to change my mind and my will. To make me want to quit. I don’t do it to upset you; do I want you to love me despite it? Warren and Price’s books are so challenging it scares me. Is that just a lack of faith? Not letting it all go? Still holding on to things I should let go of? Am I thinking too much? Trying to find my answer instead of letting you answer and saying yes? Help me, blessed Savior, to understand that I will never reach perfection until you come to take me home to heaven. You’ve done so much; I don’t want to be greedy. Give me patience and endurance, strength and faith, keep me growing, I pray. If it be thy will, let my check come tomorrow, or is that plain selfish? Please don’t let me slide back down into depression.
Sept. 3/04
Thank you, Lord, my check came today. A good study day. Starting John tomorrow. I can be so perverse! I haven’t cried much that last few days and worry something is wrong. I must be grateful to God for all he’s done for me and to stop worrying. Does no tears mean a cold heart? Lord, I pray not. Keep my heart and mind open and ready to hear you, through your Word and the Holy Spirit.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 9/16/2009 10:56:18 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Sept. 8/04
Thank you, Lord, for another good day. Dr. Jeremiah was so good today about temptation and the story of Ruth is so beautiful. The old hymns are so beautiful. Thank you that I got in touch with G. Anne Lotz’s book is very good. I’m enjoying Eugenia Price’s book better now that she is being more personal. Perhaps that is a sign of my loneliness or perhaps I just relate on a personal level. I praise you, Lord, I thank you Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Help me to learn and live your word, God, to absorb it so I can be what you want me to be, what I want to be. Please help me to fight the giants in my life. I get frustrated sometimes, but I must remember that you are in control and I should fear not. You are always my friend and my help. I must daily renew my trust and faith and pray that you will take from me my unbelief. I love you so very much.
Sept. 14/04
Thank you God for your presence and your love. I MUST trust you to help me with this business with _____ Insurance. I fear what the future may bring, Lord. I know I’ve left it in your hands and now I must trust you. Lord, why is it so hard. I’m afraid of falling into the pit again. I admit I’m afraid of being humiliated, my tears are more readily flowing than probably at any time in my life. I’m trying so hard to understand what purpose they have in my future. I know, I don’t want them ever to go away completely; they serve a purpose. But I have seemingly no control over them. Lord should I go to ______? Lord, be with Mom when they take Dad to the doctor on Thursday; direct the doctor to get the prescriptions right so that they all finish at the same time. Give Dad calmness. I know you’re here with me at all times and I humbly thank you. I need a friend so badly. Someone to share with and to hug me once in a while. I thank you so much for all you’ve done for me. You sent your Son to die for us, that our sins can be forgiven; so that we might have eternal life. What a wonderful miracle. Praise Your Name. I know my life is nothing, just a flash in your eternity, probably not even that, but it’s hard to compare it with eternity because we can only imagine eternity. Thank you for my life which you have given back to me, my children, my home, your Word. Help me to have perspective. Lord, please keep your arms around me, keep me safe through the night. Give me peace and rest. You have promised never to leave us or forsake us.
Sept. 15/04
My heart is filled with gratefulness and reverence dear Lord. You assuaged my panic of yesterday. I pray that my faith will continue to grow. Be with Mom and Dad and DB tomorrow as they go to the Doctor. Give Dad peace. I pray for my neighbor's little granddaughter and their whole family at this time. Thank you for saving that little sweetheart. Keep us safe on our journey tomorrow. Be with SisIL as she takes her Mom to the doctor. Their relationship is not easy. Lord, draw my children and SIL to you. Ease DS’s pain. Keep DD and SIL together, make their love for each other bigger than their problems. I ask that my time with DB and SisIL will be a blessing to all of us, including my niece and nephew. Give me a safe journey home and keep my CPAP safe too, as I can’t afford a new one. Help me to quit smoking. I praise your awesome power and your eternal love.
Sept. 21/04
Precious Savior, Blessed Lord, my joy is abounding. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the wonderful days I’ve spent with DB and SisIL,
niece and nepew. The fellowship and love was wonderful; that seems like such a little word to describe how I feel. Lord, forgive me for the lie I told today at the bus station. It was so wrong and I wasn’t letting your love through. I’ve missed your Word and I wish now that I had pushed for us to have devotions every day. Forgive me for not doing so. But I felt our time was best used in talking and opening up to one another and I felt your healing presence in that. I thank you for my time with DD this evening. Lord, help me to get DS to open up. Be with DD, SIL, DS, niece and nephew, drawn them to you Lord; keep them safe and I pray that they too will come to love you, to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior and receive the gift of eternal life and all the bountiful gifts you give us through your Holy Spirit. Be with Mom and Dad; keep them safe, Lord. I know that the time is coming where decisions will have to be made, goodbye’s said, if only for a little while. Guide and direct us so that our love for each other will shine through. Keep my hands working so I can study and write. Just as the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express, in the same way the joy and happiness I have felt in fellowship with DB and SisIL, the beautiful song “Imagine”, so much dear God, that words cannot express. Thank you and all praise and blessing for all that is given to me.
Sept. 22/04
Thank you for a good day, dear Lord. I feel so close to you this last while. I still sometimes get scared of the peace. Forgive me for that. But I feel filled with awe and worship and joy. It’s rather odd how Eugenie Price sounds towards the end of the book. Perhaps balance came in God’s time. My head and my heart get so full sometimes; it makes me virtually wordless. I wonder about the increase in pain and yet a more calm and joyful feeling. Dear Jesus, all that you went through, knowing what you were going to face. I know there is so much I will never know but at the moment, I feel that my trust in God has never before felt so real. And at the same time I know how small that is in comparison to what it should be. But I’m becoming more comfortable with the idea of a “journey”. I sometimes feel I am truly resting in your care. I feel the safety and warmth of it. There is so much to thank you for; the beautiful day, your Word, sharing with Mom, my children, Dr. Jeremiah, Dr. L, your love. I don’t know if any human can really understand the concept of eternity. May I continue to grow in Christ, to become more and more like Jesus through the work of the Holy Spirit. I’m amazed at the changes you have wrought. Give me the strength, I pray, to continue.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 9/19/2009 10:41:20 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Nice quiet day. Sure hope I'm not getting sick. The arthritis is really bad right now and then to top it off I woke up with a sore throat. Feeling feverish, although I don't have a fever. Oh well; let's keep on truckin' 
Sept. 24/04
Dear Lord, forgive me. I seem to insist on making myself fail. It was bad enough buying cigs but magazines too? Lord, I disappoint myself so much. Please forgive me. I should have offered to look for the vacuum bags as well. I thank you for your help this morning. I felt it went OK. Help me not to lose my focus on you. Please help me to accept the days I feel down. This is life. It’s a fine line between blaming myself and falling into depression again. Without you, I can do nothing. Help me to wake up tomorrow with more focus on you and less on myself.
Sept. 27/04
Thank you, Lord, for another beautiful day; thank you that DS did the lawn and that DD took me to the bank. Lord, I’m so worried about DS; please keep him safe and out of trouble. Help him to find someone trustworthy to talk to, to release his pain. If it can be me, that would be good (I think). Draw him to you; direct me as to whether I should talk about you or not. I must leave this to your guidance because I don’t want to push him away. Give Mom a good night’s sleep. Thank you that my pain has eased somewhat. I sense You are trying to teach me something and I’m still not sure what it is. Help me to let go of the smoking, Lord. Be with Dr. L and I as we meet tomorrow. I praise you for Your constancy, Your power and love. You are my stronghold. I need You; I love You.
Oct. 1/04
Dear Lord, keep me from thinking bad thoughts and doubting you. This eye thing is rough. I’m trying to put it into perspective, but I’m not succeeding very well. I need your strength; I need to feel your presence. You are Almighty God, my reason for living; I don’t remember my face hurting so bad with the other eye infections. Help me not to let my imagination run wild. Am I just being a big baby? I know there are much worse things. Perhaps the arthritis has just worn me out recently; I’m just not handling this well. Is it wrong to feel down? Please take away my guilt. Why is it a part of me can look at the bigger picture, but another part is just sad and feeling sorry for myself? Am I sinning by not handling this well? Is this a fault of mine? Do I not trust enough? O Lord, going down this path of thinking is no good. Please, Lord, help me not to go there. Writing when I feel like this is no good; it scares me and brings back bad memories. Help me to let all that go and forget it, the way you forgive us and think of it no more. Keep your loving arms around me and give me peace and patience with this. Thank you, Lord, for your salvation, for your mighty power that you expend on my behalf. Jesus suffered so much, I have nothing to complain about. You suffered when you gave Jesus for the sins of the world. This has not real importance. Thank you, Lord, and bless you.
Oct. 5/04
Thank you, dear Lord, for a beautiful day; that my eyes are much better; for your Word; for the time spent with DD today; for DD calling DS. I pray that you will be with Mom; continue to be her strength and comfort. I also pray that my eyes will get better, my eyes have definitely been worse after this infection. I pray that DS will agree to go with DD on Saturday and that they will have a good time together. Your Word, dear Lord, is so precious and filled with everything we need. Help me to always remember that. Thank you for all your tender mercies and never ending love and blessings.
Oct. 6/04
A strange day today, Lord. I feel like you’re trying to tell me something, but I don’t quite get it. Please don’t give up. I’m trying, really. C’s call and Mom’s situation I suppose have added to things. Went for groceries and I hurt so bad. I can’t see me going back to work, at least not at W and probably not full time anywhere. Dear Lord, I need your direction here. Forgive my doubts; help me to stop letting my brain get away from me. I get defensive and must let that go. I get so confused between “letting God” and what I should be doing. Please give me strength dear Lord, this whole “journey” thing is getting hard for me to accept again. Help me to focus on now, today, on you. But then where does planning come in? There are too many voices in my head. Please God, keep me on YOUR way. Being human is so tuff. Help me to be a comfort to Mom. Please continue to be her strength and comfort.
Oct. 7/04
Thank you, Lord, for a good night’s sleep. It’s been a kind of strange day. The arthritis was real bad; lots of pain. Some things touch me so hard, it’s more like a slam. Thank you that Mom seems in better spirits. It goes against the grain, my personality doesn’t automatically see the good. Forgive me for that. You’ve changed me a lot, dear Lord and I thank you for that, but I suppose that certain personality traits will be with me always. Lord, I don’t want to get into the guilt thing or a blaming mode. I’m finding it hard to write tonight. You are Sovereign and all Powerful. Never can a human being understand. Lord, remove this sadness or melancholy or whatever it is. I feel caught because I can’t blame you and yet I don’t want to feel guilty for everything. You love me, help me to love myself. I think somewhere along the line, I felt it was wrong to love myself and I don’t mean in a selfish way. We shouldn’t need praise, but we all do. Then G left so that didn’t help. So I just became what I was good at. Dear Father, I’m finding it so hard to change that. I pray for your help and guidance.
Oct. 8/04
Thank you, Lord, for another day, that Mom’s sounds pretty good, that I feel less pain today, for Dr. Jeremiah, for lovely hymns and always for your Word. It’s about you, not me. Help me to remember that. Thank you for not giving up on us. It seems that my learning experiences take a while. And, unfortunately, I seem to have to learn the same lesson more than once. Thank you for Barbara Johnson too. I must try to surround myself with positive, happy people, who also have compassion and patience. I sometimes think happiness is alien to me on some level; perhaps I almost get scared of it. It was depressed for so long and probably will be again. But now I have hope. Help me to remember that when I have not so good days. Help me to be more disciplined about it, about loving you, praising you and trusting you, even when it’s hard. This is a tough one, but there is some comfort in that I’m not the only person who feels like this now and again. You are all powerful, all loving, Sovereign and I will never understand completely while on this earth. You sent your Son, Jesus, to die for our sins so that we can have eternal life. You gave us the Holy Spirit to work in us and through us and to intercede for us. How awesome and wonderful is the Trinity.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 9/19/2009 10:57:54 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Oct. 21/04
Thank you, Lord, for a good day. I pray that Mom and S will be all right. Give them strength for tomorrow. I pray that Mom’s cancer is still in remission and that S doesn’t have cancer. Lord, your will be done. Help me to be a strength and comfort to them both. I thank you that I held on talking to Susan. I also pray that I don’t push any of the people I have met at church, not expect too much or push too hard on the friendship thing. Help me to know when to keep my mouth shut and to speak the right words at the right time. Lord, I ask that the Holy Spirit work in and through me to your glory and honor. Lord, comfort S’s girls tomorrow and in the future; help them to be a comfort to S. It must be terrifying for them. I pray for all the ladies in the women’s group. Be with them and keep them safe. Help us all to grow in our walk with you and to form strong supportive friendships. And I pray for all those at my Wednesday evening small group table; Lord, help me to encourage them to participate more. Bless us all and help us to grow spiritually.
Oct. 22/04
Dear heavenly Father, I thank you for keeping Mom safe today and that you gave S calmness and peace today. I pray that, if it be thy will, S and Mom will be okay. Lord, I know Mom is just getting old as well. Lord, lead me with S, give me the right words to say to be sure that she is a born again Christian. Give me words of love and comfort for both Mom and S. Help me to quiet the other voices in my head. I thank you that I didn’t cry when I talked to Mom and S. I pray that you will help me to be strong for them. Lord, help me to know what your purposes are for me, to feel that I have value or worth or something. Lord, words are hard right now. I pray that the Holy Spirit will intercede for me as sometimes what I feel is so strong I can’t find words to express it. You know my mind and my heart, Lord. I pray that you will take away my fears, to accept myself, to accept your live in my heart, so deep that I never doubt anymore. Lord, I need balance, but will that ever be possible? I pray for strength, courage, stronger faith and trust.
Oct. 24/04
Thank you, Lord for a good day. I thank you that Mom seemed to be in pretty good spirits. I thank you for GB and her giving me a ride to and from church, for D being so friendly. I thank you for the wonderful sermon today, for the sense of togetherness that is starting to show itself. I thank you for the books I was able to buy today and the opportunity to go next door to give them to the kids. Lord, I pray that the kids will like the books. Please guide me to make friends with my neighbor's daughter. Be with Dr. L and I as we meet tomorrow. Dear Jesus, I need to feel your presence and the Holy Spirit working in me. I’m fighting old habits and old reactions to “religion” or something; it’s hard to describe. It’s all caught up in legalism and guilt, and I so much want to get away from the guilt. Not that I’m not a sinner, but to quit being so judgmental. I pray that you will give me the strength to let go of the smoking. Dear God, will I ever feel your strength in me, confidence in me, recognition of my gifts so I can use them for your glory and honor? Perhaps I’m just being impatient. Please help me to leave and forget the past. I don’t know if that’s ever really possible. But I feel like I have no strength, like I’ve lost my ability to decide anything. I’m caught between letting you do the guiding and leading, and what my part is supposed to be in it. Lord, please help me to sort through the confusion; to think clearly and to trust you more. Help me to know what to do.
Oct. 26/04
Thank you, Lord, for another day. Thank you for my study time and the wonderful writers. I thank you too for the beautiful music in “Cold Mountain”. Mr. Minghella is a true artist. It feels so good to say that to you, Lord, to appreciate and realize that you gift everyone with their gifts, artists included. It’s wonderful to realize and appreciate that, even if it is in someone else. I love you Lord, and I want to live for you, to bring a smile to your face. Be with all the women tomorrow morning, bless us as we fellowship together. And bless all who are participating tomorrow evening. Give all the table hosts the words to say, to be able to create a good environment for all of us. Lord, I pray that the Holy Spirit will guide me in what I say and to be quiet; help me to be a better listener. I ask that you continue to keep your loving arms around Mom and Susan. Keep us all safe. Keep Dad safe, give him more peace and calmness. Lord, love my children and draw them close to you. Dear God, I so much want to see them in heaven. Keep DB and SIL safe as they drive up on Friday. Be with us all, especially Mom. Guide me as to whether I should go with them to the cancer clinic on Friday or not.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 9/21/2009 10:41:51 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Oct. 29/04
Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you and praise you for the good news about Mom. I thank you for the good time we had today with her and celebrating the good news. Lord, help me to let go and let you. Your power and wisdom and love for us is so great that we can’t truly understand it. Your grace has saved me, help me to be worthy, to grow closer to you each day. There is no other God but you; your power and wisdom is beyond our understanding. I pray that you will fill me with desire to serve you with a faith that does not waiver, with reverence for you, with patience and wisdom to understand that my walk with you is an ongoing process, to accept what I cannot understand or change, to love you as you love me. I pray that DB and SIL will have a good, safe trip home.
Oct. 30/04
Praise your name, the Lord my God. Thank you for the good news today from S. My heart is filled with thanks and praise, Lord. Forgive me for doubting, for being argumentative. Create in me a pure heart and a steadfast spirit. I am so unworthy, yet you love me and promise never to leave me. How wonderful, how great you are! I pray that I will always strive to focus on you and grow in my love and knowledge of you.
Nov. 2/04
Thank you Lord, for this day. I thank you that I live in this country, for my home, my children, my parents, for all the privileges I have had. I thank you for the good talk Mom and I had. I thank you for being able to talk to you, to love you, to pour out my heart to you and to praise you. Please remove the fear in me and help me to step forward boldly for your honor and glory. Draw my children to you and help them to see a difference in me and want to know why. Lord, your love and power are unfathomable to us. Perhaps I’m starting to get a glimpse of what that means.
Nov. 3/04
Praise God, the Father, his son Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. I thank you for a wonderful day, for the love and caring of the women at this morning’s meeting, for your leading in my sharing about smoking, for giving me the strength to not let P wanting to “fix it”, push me down, for the wonderful people at the evening meeting, for mom’s love and encouragement, for my children and for blessing me with church and people who are becoming my friends; for your Word which I love and for your love for me. Lord, I’ve given “as much of me as I understand” to “as much of you as I understand” and those things are growing every day. I praise you and thank you for this. I pray that the Holy Spirit will work in and through me to your glory and honor.
Nov. 4/04
Thank you Lord, for a good day. DD and I had such a good time at supper. Thank you for giving me the strength to call P and A. I praise you for the joy I feel within me. I don’t think I ever really understood what “fellowship” could be. Lord, I pray that I will soon be ready to give up smoking, I pray that Mom’s appointment tomorrow for herself and Dad will go well and I would ask that you keep Dad calm. Please give me the words to say to my neighbor's daughter tomorrow, to make her comfortable (if she can come), and extend real friendship to her and I pray that the kids will learn to like me too. Lord, I pray for DS; guide him to go the Doctor; he worries me so, losing so much weight. Be with DD and SIL too; bless them for their love and kindness. Help me to get closer to DS, help him to open up more.
Nov. 5/04
Thank you, dear heavenly Father, for the visit today with C. I pray that she will be moved to visit again and to come to church. Lord, help me not to talk so much. Help me to control my tongue. I thank you that G called. I pray that I will only see the good in her; help me not to even feel critical. She’s a very nice lady and has been so kind to me; I pray that your love will flow through me to her. I pray that I can develop a fellowship with C as well. Be with Mom and comfort her. I pray that you will provide her with the strength to get through these days and if it is your will, to perhaps make some decisions that may help her. And I pray and ask that you will help me to deal with my pain as well and fill me with the desire to quit smoking.
Nov. 8/04
Thank you for this day, dear Lord, and for a good night’s sleep last night. I would pray that you comfort Mom; I don’t know what to do for her. G didn’t call today. Please guide me as to whether I should do anything to help her read the material, her Bible and to pray. I pray that the Holy Spirit will guide me in the words I use and prevent me from causing G or anyone else pain. Thank you for your Word and for saving my life. All strength and power are yours. Praise your Holy Name. You are my help, my stronghold and I depend on your Word. I love you Lord; please work through me to show that love to others.
Nov. 10/04
Thank you, Lord, for this wonderful day. Thank you for bringing these wonderful people into my life. Lord, help me to have a steadfast, submissive heart. Lord, I try to keep my mind on you, to not focus on negatives and I pray that I will learn to be grateful and less critical. Keeping track of my thoughts isn’t very easy. I am so grateful for all you have done for me. I’m truly blessed. I pray for wisdom, understanding and insight, to learn to be a quiet around others; fill me with love that extends to others around me. I pray for DD and SIL. Lord, help SIL to calm down. Be with DD too. Please never leave me or forsake me; please keep me on this wonderful new road I’m traveling.
Nov. 11/04
How selfish I am. It’s remembrance day and I’ve not even given it a thought.
Lord, this is hard to accept. Is it Satan doing this to me? Am I doing it to myself? Why does this keep happening to me? I can’t control my thoughts 24 hours a day. Dear Lord, I pray that this darkness will go away, but I am afraid it’s what you want of me and I don’t understand. I don’t want to fight you, but sometimes it’s so hard when I don’t understand, will never understand. I know you are the potter and I am the clay and I shouldn’t question, but clay can’t think. You give so much and yet at this moment, I feel like you ask so much. Faith and trust aren’t my strong suits. It can be so confusing; on one hand you give us strength, but on the other it feels like you leave us hanging. And Lord, how can I thank you for this? And yet I have so much to thank you for. Sometimes the confusion is too much. I wish I could turn a switch and shut if off for a while. When I feel like this faith is really hard. Your word says you give us strength so why is it I seldom feel really strong. Do I always have to blame myself? Sometimes I feel you close and other times I feel hung out to dry. How I wish it wasn’t so hard. I know that’s selfish, but if you care about every fear, I’ve certainly got enough of them. I know there is so much to be grateful for, but when I feel like this it’s hard to remember that and then I get scared because you will keep sending me “circumstances”. I can’t avert them. I know that, but Lord, I’m afraid that I’ll never to able to thank you for that. I pray for strength and yet a part of me says, that’s what you say you will give me. Lord please. I feel trapped. This writing is too hard right now, I can’t keep up with my head. Dear God, I know I can’t do it without you. Please don’t ever leave me, please, I pray. Help me to feel strong in you.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 9/21/2009 11:01:18 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Nov. 12/04
Thank you, Lord, for being here. Please don’t give up on me. I have so much growing to do. I remember Mom once saying something to the effect that asking for perseverance (I think) was just asking for trouble. Growing is hard, probably worse for adults. Sometimes its confusing; we are to be thankful no matter what and we must do things even if we don’t feel like it. That’s understandable, but some things must come from the heart. I suppose when I get depressed, the opposite or what seems to be inconsistencies show up in all their glare. Life is full of inconsistencies, so why should my walk with you be any different? But you never change so it must be my inconsistencies. I sometimes wish I was more accepting, but that’s not how I’m made. I have a hard time with how I’m made. I pray, Lord, that you will continue to work in me. I pray for patience and wisdom, understanding and insight and strength. Very greedy aren’t I? But it shows my weakness and dependence on you. I never thought it possible to control and direct my thoughts, but you have given me strength to do so, more than I ever thought possible. But I have a long way to go in that department. I pray that you give me a rest from all these confusing thoughts for a while. Please don’t leave me or take the Holy Spirit from me. I do love you. It’s a tough road and my balance isn’t good. Thank you for bringing me so far in what is really a short time.
Nov. 15/04
Forgive me, Lord. I don’t seem to be able to deal with friendships. Forgive me for swearing. I feel like I’m losing ground. Please don’t let that happen. I pray that DD isn’t really made at me. Lord, I pray that the furnace keeps going with no problem. Thank you for this day; help me to learn not to be so impatient. Being human is so frustrating. Your awesome power and wisdom is so far above anything I can imagine. Praise Your Holy Name. Please give me strength to change. I can’t do it on my own.
Nov. 16/04
Thank you, heavenly Father, for this day; for the good study time, for your Word, for Mr. Yancy’s book; for my talk with Mom, for the opportunity to give C Barbara Johnson’s book. I pray Lord that she will read it. I pray for your guidance in hosting or leading future small groups. I pray for control tomorrow, to listen more, to be loving and kind; to put you first always. I praise you Lord for your mighty power, your constant love and forgiveness, your wisdom. Thank you Jesus for saving my life.
Nov. 17/04
Thank you Lord for a good day. The fellowship with these people is wonderful. Praise your awesome wisdom, control and direction for our lives. Lord, I felt weepy again today. In the midst of our laughing, I cried; was that happiness? Sometimes I feel so confused. I pray that I won’t start backing off or closing myself off from people. I pray that I will learn what kind of person to be from these wonderful people. I pray for guidance to learn to like myself, to let go of the old stuff, but yet use it to help others. Lord, my life is in your care; as much of it as I understand to give. I pray for the desire to stop smoking; to be a better listener, to be less critical and judgmental, less sarcastic; to gain perspective and to learn to praise you and thank you even on the bad days, to not hold back anything. I pray for strength and confidence. I thank you for your love, your gift of hope and your forgiveness.
Nov. 22/04
Praise the Lord. You are powerful and all wise. I think maybe I’m only now beginning to grasp your awesomeness. Lord I ask for wisdom and courage to witness to my children; it scares me, because of how I felt. And that it’s pain and trouble that usually softens our hearts. I pray Lord for focus, for perspective, more understanding of the eternal. Thank you that at least sometimes I feel joy. I pray that Mom’s words to Auntie A will bear fruit. Faith is such a strange thing. Perhaps I make things more complicated then they need to be. I thank you and praise you for how far you’ve taken me. I called to you, you heard my cry, you delivered me from my despair. I will call on you all the days of my life.
Nov. 23/04
Thank you for a good day, dear Lord. I thank you for a good study day, that Mom seems to be in good spirits. Dear Lord, I’m scared. I want to have faith large enough to believe that with your help I can quit smoking. Like the man said, “I believe, but take away my unbelief.” Am I afraid to ask for prayer because I don’t want to be accountable? I’m crying out, Lord. I pray for strength and peace, calmness and determination, whatever it takes to do this.
Nov. 25/04
Help! I’m so tired of this! I thought I was off the rollercoaster. I’m a coward, I’m weak, I’m scared. I don’t feel good things. Sometimes I think it was easier just being depressed. The highs and lows are so hard. I’m not supposed to question why I am the way I am. How can I be dependent and strong? There’s so much, Lord, that seems so contradictory. I’m afraid to feel happy because it seems we have to suffer for it. Will I never feel good about myself, about what you have made? (Edit – June 20/07 – This is still as true today as it was then)
Dec. 12/04
Praise the Lord, O my soul, All my inmost being, praise His Holy Name. Thank you Lord for the wonderful time last night at the Singing Christmas Tree; what beautiful music! And for the wonderful baptisms this morning! Praise the Lord for the wonderful work in these peoples’ lives. I pray that I will be able to keep my mouth shut about the membership thing. I pray for your guidance in this, Lord. Thank you that DS and I are getting along. O dear God, I pray that you heal him, that you direct him to go see the doctor. I pray that you will draw DS and DD and SIL to you, that they will receive Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior and receive your gift of eternal life. May I never cease praying for them. I pray that I will be a good friend to the new friends I’m making at church; that G feels some relief or comfort from talking to me. Lord, help me not to be critical, not to tell people what to do, not to give advice unless asked for, but just to be comforting, strengthening, gentle and patient. I pray that DD will come to church with me and that DD and SIL will start to come too. Guide me about what to say about DD at Christmas if he comes to Moms. I pray that he will be in a good mood, will talk to his cousin, or if it would be better to just stay home with him alone. I pray that I not hurt anyone by my actions.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 9/26/2009 10:56:13 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Dec. 14/04
Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Dear Lord, I pray that you set a guard over my mouth and keep watch over the door of my lips. Wonderful Lord, you have cured my hurt and kept me rejoicing in your salvation and the fellowship of the people at church. I pray that the Holy Spirit will guide me and protect me from saying anything and doing anything to hurt anyone or cause trouble to the church. And dear God, if Pastor brings it up, please guide me as to whether I should discuss it with him or not. I know it is better to overlook an offense, but we are also to confess our sins to each other and pray for each other so we can live together whole and healed. Dear Lord, I give this to you and pray for your strength in this situation. Thank you for this day and for my study time.
Dec. 15/04
Praise the Lord, O my soul, All my inmost being, praise His Holy Name. Thank you for the good time we had at A's today. I pray for DD, that you will give her peace and comfort her. Lord, I would so much like her to share more with me and that DS would too. Forgive me for not being a good daughter, for having bad thoughts about K and G this morning. I pray that you will help me to stop being negative about myself, to give me strength to let others help me and for me to help others. I bless and praise you Lord for speaking to me so clearly through my verses today. I pray that you will guard my mouth, that I will not talk so much on Friday with C. Teach me to draw her out more, to witness to her. Thank you, Lord, for saving me, for loving me, for continuing to be with me and work in me. Thank you that membership didn’t come up today; give me strength on Sunday.
Dec. 17/04
All praise and blessing to my Savior and Lord. Thank you for a great day. Thank you that C and I talked about you, that I had a little opportunity to witness to her. Thank you for DD's call. I pray that Mom will have a good shopping day tomorrow and that she won’t get all worked up about us coming on Sunday. I thank you that DD had a better day today and that she shared that with me. Lord forgive me if I talked too much about C to DD. I pray that I didn’t hurt her. Be with DS and keep him safe. I pray that you will heal him Lord. Thank you for all your blessings, your infinite love, power and wisdom, for your wonderful Word and how Romans just spoke to me today.
Dec. 24/04
Thank you for sending your Son to us. Thank you for the lovely Candlelight Service tonight; that DD enjoyed it too; for your wondrous living Word. Such love you gave to us, always have and always will. Such a sacrifice. Praise and exaltation for your wondrous gift; for your Son who came knowing what his sacrifice was to be.
Dec. 25/04
Thank you Lord, for a glorious day. Thank you for the wonderful time with DB and SIL, my niece and nephew, Mom and Dad. I’m so thankful for your forgiveness and love that has enabled me to forgive and love others. I pray that tomorrow will go well, that DD, DS, SonIL, the kids Dad and his girlfriend and I will have a good time. I pray that DS will feel loved and cared for, that we will all be in a loving mood. May we remember why we celebrate this time of year. Bless the pastoral staff and those participating in the service tomorrow. All praise and thanks to God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son and the Holy Spirit.
December 26/04
Thank you Lord, for this day; for the fellowship at church. For a good time at DD’s. I think I’m just tired, Lord.
Dec. 28/04
Lord, you are the stronghold of my life. Thank you for loving me, for saving me, for forgiving me, for restoring joy to me today; for my study time today. I thank you for making me less uptight, for giving me more peace than I though possible. I admit, Lord, that my future still worries me, but with your strength, I’ve been able to leave it with you to a degree I never thought possible. Forgive me for my doubting moments, for uncharitable thoughts, for feeling sorry for myself. Jesus was the Word made flesh, your Words is my main connection with you, not that your Holy Spirit is not felt, but my love for words and books make it so precious to me. I pray that I will never lose my love for it. All praise and exaltation to your Holy Name.
Dec. 29/04
Dear Lord, I called out to you and you heard my cry. I will call on you as long as I live. Kind of edgy today, don’t know why. Thank you for a good study day. I don’t know why I have days like this, but I suppose it’s just life, it’s me. Lord, I pray that you will help me to turn my thoughts from imaginary hurts, to some useless effort for attention or whatever else the conversations I have in my head are. I praise you and exalt you. I thank you for the miraculous changes in me that only you could effect. Nothing here on earth will last. Only you provide us with eternity. Help me to focus more on you. Help me to remember that you love me and have a purpose for me. Thank you for your many blessings.
Jan. 2/05
Dear Heavenly Father, you love me. When will I really understand that and accept it? When will I trust you fully, like Corrie Ten Boom? Lord, please don’t let me go into that dark hole again. My heart feels so tender again. Did I harden it recently? Is that what happened? Always with the questions! There are so few answers, you’d think by now I’d quite asking them. Help me to get it together. Your Word makes it sound so easy, but it’s not. Small words, faith, trust, let go … but they can be mountains. But no matter what, you love me, you love me. Thank you. Comfort DD, please Lord. I thank you she called back. She must feel like she’s the only one who has things together. Bless her. Heal DS, Lord I worry about him. Can a mother ever stop worrying about her children? I know it’s a sin to worry, fear. You have made such a difference in my life; you’ve given me life; and life includes these ups and downs. Help me to be more accepting. There is so much to learn. I pray that I gain some perspective (and with your strength, I have). You’ve worked such miracles in me and you promise never to give up on us, on me. Thank you for that and for all you have given to me.
Jan. 4/05
Dear Lord, please forgive me for being so hurtful to Mom. Lord, I need your clear guidance on this. I don’t think I can do this. If this is a lesson you want to teach me, I will need your clear guidance and your strength because on my own, I could never do it. Telling myself that this is terrible of me not to want to do this doesn’t change anything. But that is still no excuse for being so brutally honest with Mom. I should have just kept my mouth shut. Lord, please forgive me and help me to forgive myself. Bless Mom for having a forgiving heart. Comfort her hurt that I caused. I pray for your guidance here.
Jan. 5/05
Praise the Lord, His love endures forever. Your love is so high and long and deep and wide that we can never really understand it. Thank you for this day, for Mom sounding all right. I pray that C will come over tomorrow and that you will guide my mouth and let the Holy Spirit speak through me. I thank you for your wonderful Word, for wonderful Christian writers, for You and Your Son and our Counselor, the Holy Spirit. I pray for strength and to put up with this pain, for a strong desire to quit smoking, for the words to write to P for her prayers. Thank you for a changed view on the apostle Paul. I feel that I understand him a bit more. Dear God, may you be exalted above all praise and blessing.
Jan. 6/05
Praise the Lord. Your love is so immense, we can’t even really understand it. But I pray I will learn to accept it more and more. I thank you for the visit with C today. Forgive me for talking too much. I thank you that she wants to come back on Monday. I pray that we will get right at Romans. I pray that the Holy Spirit will speak through me. Dear Lord, please ease my pain, give me the strength to deal with it. I ask that you comfort Mom with her tooth. I pray that it can be fixed permanently and not this every few months thing. Thank you for everything because everything comes from you. That doesn’t sound like I mean it to. Awesome, powerful; Love like no other. Praise you and exalt you.
Jan. 14/05
You are great, my God; you bear my burdens daily, your love and faithfulness endure forever. Thank you for my study time. I thank you that things seem to be going very well on the group. I pray for release from this pain in my left leg or the strength to bear it with good grace. Thank you that things went so well today for Mom, that the doctor just refilled Dad’s prescriptions. Guide me tomorrow as I complete the membership commitment. Thank you for Dr. Jeremiah; he is a brave preacher. Pastor’s have a very hard job. I thank you for the work of people like him. May I always remember the hardships they face, to put others first, not myself. I pray Lord for a pure and steadfast heart and an overwhelming desire to do your will. And yet to accept who I am, not that there isn’t room to change, but just to not be negative. I praise you and exalt you and thank you for all you’ve done in my life. You are my Creator, and I have always been in your care, but these last years has been your miracle.
Jan. 18/05
Great is my Lord and most worthy of praise; your greatness no one can fathom. Thank you for this day, that Mom is feeling better, for the good news about E and gratefulness for an answer to prayer, that I called to share. Lord, if the Alpha course is something I should do, I would ask for your guidance. Thank you for my study time, your marvelous Word. Thank you for the love I have for it. I pray that C will be all right and of course all the other people on my prayer list. But that doesn’t sound quite right Lord; help me to have a steadfast heart, a pure heart, to let your love flow though me. Forgive me for feeling impatient with Mom towards the end of our conversation and with M. And I thank you that you gave me so much more patience than before.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 9/30/2009 10:52:25 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Jan. 20/05
Thank you, Lord, for a good day; that I managed to get the stuff typed that I wanted. I pray that you will heal my hip or whatever it is that is causing so much pain or give me the strength to live with it with grace. Don’t seem to feel that I have much to write about today. I love you, Lord.
Jan. 21/05
Praise God forever and ever; wisdom and power are His. Thank you, Lord, for this day, for giving me my daily bread, my home, my loved ones and taking care of me and daily bearing my burdens. Thank you for giving me the strength to get some shoveling done; for my study time; for your limitless hope, love, forgiveness, comfort, wisdom and strength.
Jan. 22/05
All powerful God, I thank you for my study time, that I seems to get some comfort in talking to me; Lord I pray for wisdom, for your control over my mouth. I thank you that I don’t have to deal with that problem. We all have different things to deal with. I pray for strength against Satan; help me to have joy again in your salvation. I feel that it’s slipping away a little. I know we can’t live on a high all the time; help me to persevere. Never leave me Lord, never up on me, as you have promised.
Jan. 23/05
Lord, I believe, but take away my unbelief. Are you testing me or is Satan tempting me? I don’t feel tempted, I just feel anxiety; I need your consolation for my soul. Thank you that my time with DS went well. Save him, Lord, heal him. I pray that Jesus and the Holy Spirit will intercede for me. It’s just all feelings right now. All praise and exaltation to the Lord Most High.
Jan. 24/05
Dear, awesome, Lord, I am holding on for dear life. I’m still having trouble with you changing (renewing) my mind. Please never give up on me, dear Jesus. Be with us as the group meets tomorrow. I pray that it will go well and that I will be welcoming and hospitable, kind and gentle, that the Holy Spirit will speak through me, that we will all feel your presence.
Feb. 1/05
Praise the Lord who daily bears our burdens. Thank you that the group went well today. Thank you that the women freely read. I pray that this eye infection won’t get too bad. I pray that you will give G a kind heart (although I know she already has one) so she won’t mind stopping at the drugstore on the way home tomorrow. I pray that everything will go well at Break for Him tomorrow. Bless our time together as we study your Word and have fellowship together. Thank you for your many blessings and your constancy. Thank you for your great sacrifice, for sending your son, who died for our sins. Help me to see things from your perspective.
Feb. 5/05
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this day, for my study time. Forgive me for being so discouraging to Mom. Lord I pray that you will remove that automatic negativity. Fill me with gentleness and love. I think I’m about to have another learning curve and I’m a little afraid here. Is it a sin to want to feel as I am doing something well to your glory and honor? Be close to me Lord. Help me to keep my purposes form and put my trust in you.
Feb. 10/05
Dear Lord, I don’t know what you want me to do. I don’t know how to submit total control to you and then live. You have done so much for me and I thank you for it, but I just don’t know what you want me to do. I’m getting a bunch of “don’t” and “can’t”. On one hand this is a process, on the other I have to give up, surrender all. Exactly what does this mean? Right now, what do I do next? I’m not feeling “empowered” or “free”. Should I quit studying for a while? I need your help!
INSERTION - I gave up journaling for about a year. During that time I was fortunate enough to be able to buy a computer so eventually tried journaling on the computer instead of writing. So we start again in February 2006
Feb. 1/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day. Break for Him went well; so did silent time.
I worry about Mom. Dad has been losing bladder control so Mom had been buying these pads and putting them in Dad’s underwear as he was coming home soaked every afternoon. Today, he got real mad and refused to wear them. She said she was going to put plastic on his chair and just leave him wet and try to explain why the plastic had to be on his chair. I don’t know how it went; guess will find out tomorrow.
Mom started talking about a possible move to a seniors apartment. We have had this discussion so many times and it never really goes anywhere. I told her I couldn’t talk about this because she knows how I feel about it and there was no use in upsetting her. I just asked, how much longer can she put up with this? If Dad was in a facility, they would make him wear depends whether he liked it or not. He would just have to get used it, whereas with Mom he knows he can get away with anything. I don’t know if I should admire her or think she’s nuts. Whichever, she has to make the decision.
Feb 2/06
Thank you Lord for Dr. L. Good session with him today. He seems to know so much about what goes on in my head and heart. I suppose some people would see the “solitude and silence” thing as “New Age”. But he understands what a wonderful thing it is. What a gift it is to have someone so in tune to my journey with God. He also suggested again my writing. I will try to get into this again. I have a longing to excite people about God’s Word. God is so good, so faithful. As I face whatever the insurance company is going to dish out, I pray that I will remember his faithfulness to me.
Bringing my whole self into God’s presence is such a special privilege he grants to all his children. But as part of being a member of Christ’s body and being in fellowship with other believers, I have such a need for someone who I can share the ups and downs of my spiritual journey. I pray that the Lord will send someone my way, someone I can share with, who I can encourage and they can encourage me.
Feb. 3/06
Thank you, Lord, for the wonderful fellowship C and I had today. I pray that you will give her strength; its hard for her with her DH not being a believer. She shared today that she only recommitted her life to God about the time we met (that just touched my heart!). She wants to be baptized, but she’s shy and is afraid about giving her testimony in front of others, in front of her DH. She, of course, wouldn’t be able to tell about some of the family problems that form part of her spiritual journey. I suggested that she write out her testimony, more for herself than anyone and then she can work from there. I said it might be an opportunity to explain more to DH if she reads it to him. She prays for his salvation. It sounds like he didn’t have any religious upbringing, but he doesn’t criticize her or anything like that, comes to church frequently with her and the children are going to a Christian school. She says she feels so guilty when she has a bad day and starts yelling or whatever; feels that it makes a poor example or testimony for DH. I told her that even Christians are human; they still have bad days; it’s not going to make you into an automatic saint who never gets angry or never makes a mistake. She’s told DH how God has filled her with such joy, such happiness. My telling her a little about the “solitude and silence” really spoke to her heart. We will have to discuss this further. It’s hard too, because she has two little kids, a husband, lives in her father’s house.
The following are some more passages from Ruth Barton’s book, chpt 3:
“even though we may be quite convinced that solitude is something we need, doubt and resistant flare up right at the moment when are to about to enter in.
I call this perplexing dynamic “the push-pull phenomenon”. If seems no matter how well I understand the necessity of solitude, no matter how much I feel drawn to it, no matter how well I plan for it, there are forces working against it both externally and internally…
I try to run into God’s arms and give myself to his embrace, but I am holding lots of stuff and it gets in the way. The baggage I am carrying makes me clumsy and hard to hug. I want to set it down, but where? I want to do something with it, but what?
We all come to solitude holding a lot: cares and concerns about our responsibilities, fear and uncertainty about the experience of solitude itself, longing and desire. The fact that we are holding so much and don’t know what to do with it all can sabotage our efforts to enter in if we don’t know how to pay attention and sort it out……
As I allowed myself to become aware of these concerns and feel the anxiety (rather than censoring them), I sensed God gently inviting me to consider this question: “Will you trust me to care for these things? Can you trust I love your family and friends even more than you do and I will care for them while you are giving this time and attention to our relationship? Will you trust me to keep working to bring forth my good intentions in your life without your direct involvement, at least for this little while?…”
It is one thing to sing worship songs that say, “He is able, more than able to accomplish what concerns me today”. It is quite another to actually place all those things that we care about so deeply in God’s hands for a little while so we can give him our undivided attention. …
I’m afraid of hearing promptings from God that are risky to follow. I’m afraid of letting go and letting my destiny unfold without my direct involvement…..
Listening to our fears rather than ignoring them can give us a great deal of insight into the conscious and unconscious resistance we have toward solitude and silence. For one thing, solitude and silence leave us without our normal distractions, those things that keep us out of touch with out interior world. On some level the human psyche recognizes that without our normal distractions we might come in touch with realities we are usually able to avoid. As Dallas Willard puts it, “Silence is frightening because it strips us as nothing else does, throwing us upon the stark realities of our life. It reminds us of death, which will cut us off from this world and leave only us and God. And in the quiet, what if there turn out to be very little between us and God?”
Entering into solitude and silence also moves us into a realm where we are not in control. The practice of silence in particular honors the reality that it is God who initiates the spiritual life; he is One who calls it forth in his way and in his time. But even as silence and solitude bring us face to face with out addiction to being in control, there is also an invitation: the invitation to let go and allow God to be in control.
Perhaps the deepest and hardest to articulate fear is the fear this God whom we cannot control will not meet us in the way we want to be met. Sometimes this expresses itself as a question: “What if I show up and God doesn’t? Sure, he showed up for people like Elijah and Moses. And maybe he shows up for those spiritual, mystical types. But what if he doesn’t show up for me?” This fear may present itself in words, or it may be a vague feeling of dread or uncertainty we can’t quite name. And so we hesitate at the gateway to solitude and silence, afraid that “this solitude thing works for everybody else, but it won’t work for me.”
Acknowledging my cares and worries invites me to trust God with what is “out there”; acknowledging this very intimate fear challenges me to trust God with myself, my heart, my soul, my longing and the fear that my longings will not be met. And that’s even harder. It brings me to the point all deepening relationships eventually come to: when somebody has to take a leap of faith into the free-fall that is intimacy…… In the vulnerability of love we risk saying “Here I am. With my whole heart, soul, mind and body I am here, ready and willing to move more deeply into relationship with you. I make myself available to you and I will wait for you. There is nothing I can do to control the outcomes. There is nothing I can do to force your response or make your response what I want it to be. All I can do is put myself out there and wait.” And this is a fearsome place to be, but oh so necessary.
The willingness to name our fear as we enter into solitude opens the way for God to reassure us with his presence, much as the presence of a loving parent comforts a child who wakes trembling with fear it in the night. It enables us - eventually - to peel back the fear, revealing something even truer: our desire for God. This desire is the flip side of our fear. To put it another way, desire is what stirs underneath our fear - desire to be met by God, desire to be touched by God in ways we can feel and know, desire to be given over to God in utter abandonment and trust.
Many of us are not very good at acknowledging our desire. As Christians we tend to be skeptical and suspicious of desire, for it is not easily controlled……What if I let myself feel my desire and it gets out of control? What if I begin to desire things I can’t have? How do I live with the pain of unfulfilled desire?
Depending on our experience of wanting things and then receiving them, or not, we may harbor deep-seated fear that we will not get what our heart desperately wants. It can be frightening to allow ourselves to want something we’re not sure we can have, especially if it is something as essential as the presence of God in our lives. In many of us, the fear of not getting what our heart longs for has led us to develop an unconscious pattern of distancing ourselves from our desire to avoid the pain of its lack of fulfillment.
But the truth is that desire is the life-blood surging through the heart of the spiritual life. You may not realize it, but your desire for God is the truest and most essential thing about you. It is truer than your sin, it is truer than your woundedness, it is truer than your net worth, your marital status or any role or responsibility you hold. Your desire for God and your capacity to connect with God as a human soul is the essence of who you are.
But there are even greater truths: before you were even aware of your desire for God, God desired you. He created you with a desire for him that groans and yearns in the very fiber of your being. We love God because God first loved us. We desire God because God first desired us. We reach for God because he first reached for us and created us with a longing for himself. Right in the very center of our desire for God is God’s desire for us, pulsating with love and longing. When we feel our desire, we are actually responding to God, because he has already initiated with us. It might feel as if our desire for God originated with us, but the truth is that the origin of our desire for God is God’s desire for us.
When we cut ourselves off from awareness of our desire we cut ourselves off from the very invitation of God into the intimacy we seek. And so desire, the very human dynamic that often confuses us and muddles our thinking, is a part of what we carry with us as we walk through the gateway to solitude. If we don’t know how to attend to it, we may make the mistake of trying to set it aside or minimize it when instead we need to pay attention to it. We need to hold it close and fan in into flame so it becomes the guide and the impetus for our spiritual journey.
When we pull back the curtain on our fears and resistance, we are left with out desire-pure, naked, quivering desire-which is the surest guide for the spiritual quest. In the end the human soul will choose what it most wants. If we are brave enough to stay with this experience of wanting something we do not yet have, we discover that underneath all other desire is a desire for God, for love, for the true belonging.
To enter into solitude is to listen to our desire as it calls us deeper into the intimacy our hearts seek. It is to allow our desire - over time - to become concrete, focused, clear.
Thank you, Lord, for someone who can articulate this in a way that reached my heart.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 10/1/2009 10:51:42 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Feb. 4/06
Kind of a weird day. Rather gloomy. Makes me feel tired and sleepy.
DD dropped by this afternoon to visit which is always nice. G called; she’s very sick with flu/back cold so I’ll have to make my way home from church tomorrow. Feeling kind of sorry for myself today which is silly, but there it is. Mom was going for groceries today. I sure hope she is nicer and more appreciative to the people she gets to take her places. She seems to expect people to be ready to go whenever she does and sounds impatient if it inconveniences her. Didn’t want to go there so I didn’t. She commented again to day that Dad is really slowing down. The Lord is such a comfort. My silent time with him was such a comfort. Thank you, God for your goodness and faithfulness.
Feb. 6/06
Not such a hot day. So disappointed in myself (is that Satan or just me?) My cheque didn’t come today. C didn’t get any mail either so the mailman was probably away. I was so upset; crying like my world was coming to an end and yet being so mad at myself for behaving that way! I was totally out of my prescriptions, so I called in the order and went with at noon. I had to charge it. Really, no big deal because I’ll just pay it back when my cheque comes in. I pray that my cheque comes in tomorrow. Lord, I’m sorry for disappointing you and myself. I doubt if I will ever be able to control my tears (or my fears) and that is so depressing to me. Rest of the day was OK but just generally down and very blah. Quiet time, while not exactly a wash, wasn’t optimum, but that is to be expected as well.
Feb. 7/06
Thank you, Lord, that my cheque came today, for C and for your faithfulness. I am so disappointed in myself. Last month Rev Ca sent me a cheque for about $230.00; this month they send me a bill for $200.91. I was so mad…. I called and complained which was really stupid. I mean, it didn’t accomplish anything but I felt oh so entitled to have my say. Then we go the bank and there is a real long line-up and only 3 tellers. So I make some remark to the teller I get (which again, was totally stupid). I apologized for the remark and the girl was very nice about it.
Then to add to everything, I bought another carton of smokes. What an ungrateful way to act when God is so good and so faithful. As soon as I feel in control again, out comes that ****y me. The Lord knows how far I have to go; how patient and gracious he is. We insist on acting true to our earthly form, even when we know better. Is that Satan getting at me? I believe Satan exists and is at us all the time, but I have a real hard time putting the blame on him. Somehow I believe that every stupid, sinful, hurtful thing I do is just all me and it is only me that should be blamed. It seems like trying to get out of being responsible for our actions by blaming Satan. Is this because I’m so used to blaming myself? Is this another control issue? Sometimes I get so discouraged with myself.
I sometimes wonder if Melancholy/Choleric personalities have shades of autism. Sometimes I feel so overloaded with information, thoughts and feelings that its like I have to go numb or hide in some way. Thank you, Lord, for the growth that has taken place in my life. I know that any changes are due to Your strength. It’s interesting that emotional and mental problems are often manifested in people from fundamentalist, evangelic backgrounds. It’s such a fine line between knowing you’re a sinner and making yourself feel like nothing.
There is so much that I still have to learn. Personally, I think “dependent” “follower” types have an easier type having faith. Of course that has a downside in that this can turn into not taking responsibility for yourself and not thinking for yourself. I guess this is just another reason to make sure we stay as close to God as we can, because it is only through his power and love that we can negotiate this difficult road. And sometimes the push & pull that is a constant presence in the Christian life is very stressful.
There was a passage today in Deut. 24 about when a poor man has to borrow from a richer man and perhaps he only has his cloak as collateral, that the rich man is to return it to him each evening so that he will have something to cover himself with at night. But it also says to treat the borrower in such a way that he retains his self-respect. I sometimes wonder how self-respect, a healthy self-image can co-exist with becoming selfless in Christ. For someone who has the “balance” problems I do, this stuff can get very unsettling and troubling. C was so excited when I gave her “End of the Spear” to read, Steve Saints book. I hate to admit it, but it almost bothers me that E hasn’t been calling more frequently. Talk about the perverseness of human nature!. Thank you Lord that Mom’s visit with Josie went well. Surprising how wishy-washy I can get when I’m trying to be nice!
Feb. 9/06
Thank you, Lord, for another day.
Kind of an odd day; felt very tired. Met with J; good meeting. Have to talk to the kids about my life insurance policy.
J has so much energy and his mind is so quick; it soaks up information like a sponge. And here I am, smoking these cigarettes, killing myself, partly, I think, because I’m afraid to really LIVE. I’m afraid to want anything too much. I want to serve God, yet I hold myself back. Not a pretty picture.
No E; wonder whether I should call; but scared to jump the gun. This friend I want so much, someone to discuss my thoughts with, where am I going to find her (or even him)? I’m so critical….she’s so nice, but…. I’m doing a fair bit of “I don’t know” again. Maybe I’m afraid to find someone more intellectual because they’ll put me to shame? Is this true? I hope not. I know God is always willing to listen to me, but it would be nice to “share” with someone (other than this computer). I guess I should stop feeling sorry for myself. Blah! Blah! Blah!
Feb 10/06
Thank you, Lord, for your many blessings. E called today; it went well; I guess I was worried over nothing. Thank you, Lord. Mom’s having a tough time of it, but won’t say what. I think she’s afraid that we will make her move out of the house and yet that is probably what she needs. Dear Lord, I pray that she will be able to go see J tomorrow and that Dad will be all right while she is gone.
Good chapter in Swindoll’s book about getting through the “Tough Stuff”. It was about feeling inadequate. Boy! Did that hit the nail on the head! Must remember that it is God’s strength we must rely on, not our own. He acknowledged that we all feel like that at some time and for some, they have been raised to think of themselves as inadequate; it’s hard to get over this and will take time and faith in God’s strength. Brought tears to my eyes because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross which brought the Holy Spirit into our lives upon being born again.
It’s funny how things you know on an intellectual level, suddenly hit the heart and it truly MEANS something. Not that I suddenly feel very competent; only a heartfelt reminder that it is God’s strength, not ours.
Considering talking to P about my concerns, getting her advice as to how to deal with them. Perhaps I’ll e-mail her what I’ve written or maybe we can meet. I really need the advice of someone who has a better read on the “political” structure in the church. Perhaps D and I will never see eye to eye. I don’t want to cause trouble, but at the same time, I think it’s wrong to hold everything back.
Haven’t heard from S for a couple of weeks. It seemed odd at the time that she didn’t want to talk on the phone and insisted on e-mailing instead. I hope everything’s OK. I’m having real problems in witnessing to her, in discussing spiritual things with her. I’m not sure if it’s only me holding back or if she is managing to avoid it.
Feb 12/06
Thank you, Lord, for the great sermon today, the heartfelt worship in song. Talked to D today; there seems to be resistance to my seeing “the binder”. I don’t know if this comes from him, or P has instructed him not to release it. It’s a little discouraging. Supposedly he wants to give me some “boxes” to sort through which, I don’t know, perhaps have some sample books for studies/small groups. I really don’t know what’s going on. I gather their whole family has been ill, but are getting better. Told G today she really needs to get that hearing aid. Pastor B may not be as loud as D. but we were in the 4th or 5th row. She must be very irritating at other small groups when she keeps asking people to speak up. She doesn’t seem to realize that by the time she hears it, the person speaking is almost shouting and everybody else is uncomfortable. I didn’t say that, but that’s about it. I suggested that she will need to hear clearly when she is babysitting her new grandson. I realize it must not be pleasant to be reminded of it and I tried to be tactful. I wished her a good trip and told her how wonderfully patient and kind she is. I tried to tactfully tell her that perhaps her giving in to H needs all the time is making a situation of co-dependency, but I don’t know if she got it or not. It’s wonderful she’s remained her friend all these years, but it certainly isn’t encouraging H to do anything for herself. She made some comment that her family was out yesterday and it was so quiet in the house, she had to get out. We certainly all have our problems, but I think she is really lonely and afraid to be alone. And except for being really sick, I think she can’t go out of the house without spending money. It’s become a real sickness with her. I suppose when the money’s gone, it’s gone, but she has said numerous times that she got out of her depression after S died by going out to the malls; I don’t think its stopped in the last 5 years. Certainly, she often spends her money on her children, but even that isn’t probably too wise either. She’s a very kind woman, but she’s rather aimless. Her memory worries me too. Perhaps its always been bad, but I don’t know how she functions sometimes.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 10/5/2009 10:21:08 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Feb 13/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day; a good study day - learned a lot. I hope I will learn to be more steadfast. Today, at least, I feel more sure about depending on the Lord’s strength in my battle to quit smoking. Growth seems to come in small increments, but the Lord is faithful; he knows that is probably all I can absorb. Thank you, Lord.
Some quotes from Barton’s book, chpt 4:
“While your first instinct may be to judge yourself for lack of focus or lack of discipline, it is much better simply to notice what’s true and let it be what it is, just as Elijah did. …
But times of solitude and silence are not times for judging. They are times for noticing - noticing what is true about us in a given moment and then being in God’s presence with the things we’ve noticed. In this case, solitude is a time for noticing how tired w are and hearing God’s invitation to rest in his presence. …
When we are dangerously tired, we may be numb to the full range of human emotion. While it may seem like a relief to be unhampered by the negative emotions that bog other people down, in this condition the positive emotions become elusive as well. When we are dangerously tired we don’t feel much of anything, good or bad. On some level we suspect that if we did stop long enough to experience our emotions, we might be overcome by feelings we’d rather not feel - sadness over past or present losses, desperation regarding aspects of our life or character that seem unfixable, powerlessness to choose the kind of life we know we’re meant to live, unfulfilled desires and longings. We may be afraid that if we entered these unlit places in our souls, we might never come out.
One of the most sobering things I learned as I listened to my exhaustion and allowed God to minister to me is that when I am dangerously tired I can be very, very busy and look very, very important but be unable to hear the quiet, sure voice of the One who calls me the beloved. When that happens I lose touch with that place in the center of my being where I know who I am in God, where I know what I am called to do, and where I am responsive to his voice above all others. When that happens I am at the mercy of all manner of external forces, tossed and turned by others’ expectations and own compulsions. These inner lacks then become the source of my frenetic activity, keeping me forever spiraling into deeper levels of exhaustion.”
Some excerpts from chpt 4 of Barton’s Book “Rest for the Body”:
“Learning to rest into God in times of solitude begins with the body. …
I believe God longs for these moments with us just as a mother anticipates the moments of peace, tranquility and communion that come after nursing her baby. Beyond the sheer enjoyment of it, God is much more aware that we are of how much we need “beyond words” togetherness. That is why he waits patiently for us to stop flailing around until we can relax and receive the nourishment of his presence. …
…I had relegated life in the body to some lesser category that warranted very little of my attention. … "
(Boy, I am afraid of this chapter. I need to really work on it)
"The practice of reviewing my day with God is rooted in the ancient Christian practices of examen of consciousness (looking back over the day to notice God’s presence) and examen of conscience (noticing my response or lack of response to that presence). It helps me to release the events of this day to God, which then enables me to receive the gift of sleep that night and live in the new mercies that are awaiting me when I wake up the next morning. …
Learning to listen to the body, to rest it and honor it as a place where God makes his presence known, becomes, then, an important discipline for the spiritual pilgrim. …"
(Man, I must be a thousand miles away from this! Must get at it. Going to be a tough one, mentally and emotionally as well as physically)
The previous two chapters are going to really take work, a change of mind that is going to be so hard. I don’t want to get into it right now, but it is definitely going to take thought and God’s help.
Now, some stuff from chpt 6, “Rest for the Mind” which really touched me:
"The psalmist’s description of the mind at rest in God is powerful both in its simplicity and in its seeming impossibility for the modern mind. The truth about about me is that I seem to always be occupying myself with things too great and too marvelous for me - that is, things too complicated and weighty for the human mind to figure out. … "
(Boy, that sure hit’s the nail on the head!)
"The human mind is perpetually busy trying to control things, trying to figure things out, clinging to the latest idea, grasping at the nearest straw. It works hard to make sense of things by endlessly seeking to put everything into categories and boxes and systems of thought. Sometimes even God himself gets relegated to a category or a box in my mind rather than being free to be God in my life. It seems that my mind will go to great lengths to fix things, control things and defend against anything that would disrupt my carefully constructed equilibrium. …
…even when we are able to get our body to rest, it can be a more daunting task to quiet and rest the mind. …
In solitude I make the frustrating discovery that often my mind keeps me flailing around rather than settling into rest in God. I begin to notice all the ways my mind distracts me from the very thing my soul is longing for, the experience of rest, union and communion with God. Oh, how our minds need to learn how to rest in the way the psalmist describes!…
It’s not that the mind is bad; it’s just very limited in its capacity to move us toward the union with God that we seek. The intellect can set the stage but cannot provide the drama of a true encounter. …. Jesus underscores the point when he tells us to love God and that the place where the drama of loving encounter takes place is not first and foremost the mind. It is the heart and soul….
If we are able to notice the difference between what goes on in the mind and what goes on in the heart, we might eventually acknowledge that our mind is tired of trying to hold it all together, figure everything out, make something happen. We might notice the ways our wordy prayers keep us working at things in our head rather than allowing our mind to rest in God’s heart of love, where his good intentions toward us can make themselves known.
If we are able to stay with out frustrations long enough and not give up, we may begin to suspect that the things that most need to be known and solved and figured out in our life are not going to be discovered, solved or figured out at the thinking level anyway. The things we most need to know, solve and figure out will be heard at the listening level, that place within us where God’s Spirit witnesses with our spirit (Rom 8:16) Here God speaks to us of things that cannot be understood through human wisdom or shuffled around and filed away in the mind (I Cor. 2:10-13). Spiritual discernment is given as pure gift in God’s way, in God’s time, beyond what the human mind can force (I Cor. 2:14). At this level we find ourselves loved to the extent that fear is cast out so we are free to hear and respond to the risky invitations of God. To hear at this level we must rest from our striving. We must let go of everything our mind is holding on to in order to receive the revelation that comes from beyond ourselves. …
I needed to experience the fact that my mental sorting and calculating and my efforts to process everything with words were not getting me anywhere. This was a hard reality to face and I railed against it. I still do sometimes. Accepting the limitations of the mind flies in the face of everything my cultural and religious background has taught me about how we come to know things. I’m not sure I can trust anything but my mind.
But what happens when we hit the wall of mental impasse? What happens when no amount of hard mental work gives us what we need - answers, guidance, love, transformation of some intractable pattern? What happens then? Well, we squirm for a while, pinned to the wall by the nail of this truth: our poverty, our impotence, our need for something beyond what the human mind can generate.
That’s the bad news.
The good news is that finally, when we are exhausted from squirming, we may open up to the possibility of letting go of our own efforts and receiving something from God. If we give in to our exhaustion in this way and stop flailing around, we may become willing to stop the flow of our own words and listen for a while. Silence is the practice that allows us to do this. Psalm 46:10 tells us there is a kind of knowing that comes in silence and not in words - but first we must be still. The Hebrew word translated “Be still” literally means “Let go of your grip.” Let go of your grip on your own understanding. Cease striving at the level of human effort, and in so doing open yourself to a whole new kind of knowing.
It is not that we seek to ignore the intellect (or any other aspect of ourselves for that matter) in times of solitude; instead we let the mind settle into the heart, the very center of our being where God dwells in us as redeemed people.
We often think of the heart as the seat of our emotional life, the place where we feel and express sentiment. However, the word “heart” in biblical and spiritual tradition is much richer than that. In Jewish-Christian tradition the heart encompasses the very essence of who we are, the core of our moral nature and our spiritual life. From the heart flow all of our physical, emotional, intellectual, volitional and moral energies; it is the very spring of our life (Prov. 4:23). The heart is the sphere of divine influence, or it is the arena of divine-human interaction.
Silence helps us drop beneath the superficiality of our mental constructs to that place of the heart that is deeper in its reality than anything the mind can capture or express in words. It is a place of longing and desire and reaching for that which we do not yet have. In this wordless place the whole of our person turns itself toward God and waits to be addressed by God. This kind of prayer is......Standing in the presence of God with the mind in the heart; that is, at the point of our being where there are no divisions of distinctions and where we are totally one. There God’s spirit dwells and there the great encounter takes place. There heart speaks to heart, because there we stand before the face of the Lord, all-seeing within us. …
Quotations from Rainer Marie Rilke - “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to liver everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
Our words about God are not the Reality itself. … In silence we give in to the fact that our words can never contain God or adequately describe our experience with God. When we give in to the exhaustion that comes from trying to put everything into words and mental concepts, we give our mind permission to just stop. We give ourselves over to the experience of the Reality itself.
In the crucible of silence, the wall of mental impasse ceases to be the place where we are skewered by our human impotence and instead becomes the very breast of God. Eventually there is a strength born of quietness and confidence, because time and time again we have found there everything we need for our sustenance. This is a very deep kind of rest indeed. …
If you find yourself becoming impatient, ask “Am I willing to be patient with this thing that is unsolved in my heart? What would it look like for me to stop working so hard on this and trust God to work in his way and his time?”
What a powerful chapter. If I had the words, this is how I would put it; which is ironic, because we’re trying to get rid of the words. How wonderful!
Feb. 14/06
Thank you, Lord, for a great day; wonderful sleep last night; good fellowship with Cheryl; Pam and I will get together next Wednesday.
E called. T started smoking again; of course she went on the offensive; E walked right into it. Again and again, I tried to tell her to let go. They are like “gerbils on a wheel” (her own description for herself). T no doubt knew what kind of reaction E was going to give and vice versa. That being the case, why go there? Of course, its stupid for her to smoke (and who is she talking to about this? ME!!). Of course once they get into it, they bring up everything that ever happened, so it’s not just smoking on the table, it’s whatever either of them have ever done. I asked her why she does this to herself. Even her sister had more compassion for T than E does. T is probably disappointed in herself (I know from experience) so she doesn’t need E making it worse! But of course T’s normal way of doing things is to attack first.
Now this, to me is the REAL PROBLEM. T starts spewing her filth, E leaves the room, T follows her and continues following her as E goes to 4 rooms. Of course hubby just sits there through all this. I sometimes wonder why she even bothers to tell ME because by now she must know what I will say! I try to get this point across by telling her that half the time I’m on oxygen and I’m still smoking; she ignores that saying I don’t have a small child. I keep trying to tell her that they have to give up on expecting their children to live the life THEY wanted for them. No one can live someone else’s life for them. Instead of saying “Well, this time you made it for 3 months, hopefully, next time will be longer” they end up having World War ??? When are they going to let go of their disappointments in their children? They can pray for them, they can love them without loving what they do.
N came over Sunday and was complaining how tight money is. That’s N’s problem, NOT THEIRS. But they get personally hurt or insulted or whatever by what their adult children are doing. LET GO, LET GO, LET GO. And E certainly doesn’t listen. I should just learn to listen and shut up. But at that point I have nothing to say! I told her they need something to take them outside themselves. Nobody is suggesting they climb the Himalayas. I know that Ed’s sick and she doesn’t have much energy. It’s hard raising a child at their age. But that doesn’t mean they can’t have some time for themselves. We are our own worst enemies; me as well as anybody else. But its like they have become their own victims. I thank you, Lord, that my children didn’t go through this. They are far from perfect and they are lost sinners, but we have more respect for each other than to do this kind of stuff to each other. E admits that she closes herself off from her girls. Sure, I understand it is a protective mechanism and is certainly understandable. But I don’t think E realizes how sanctimonious she can sound. T at the age of 26 does not need E giving her these opinions; she already knows them. That’s why she goes on the offensive. They feed off each other. Lord, I pray for wisdom in dealing with her.
Feb. 15/06
Praise the Lord; Exalted be Your Name; Your Majesty and Greatness defies description. Thank you for your love, for your salvation; for this day.
Great morning at “Break For Him”. My goof was I got their too early. Stood outside for 15 minutes freezing. So silly; there was a car in the parking lot, but I couldn’t see anyone in it. One of the girls from B’s class was there reading her Bible, but I couldn’t see her.
Then the Lord gave me opportunity to witness to the cab driver I had taking me home. Praise the Lord!
C called this afternoon, really worried about her sister. Sounds like time for an intervention. I pray, Lord, for your wisdom and guidance in being a help to C. I pray for your wisdom, guidance and strength for C as she deals with her sister. Lord, I pray for healing in that family; I pray that you will save Ce’s life, that she will turn back to you and let you heal her.
Then S called this evening. She was wondering if I had been praying for her, because her blood pressure was normal today and that’s all she could think of for this change. She has had so many health problems; all of the stuff they have been giving her for over a year has not helped in the least and has probably been poisoning her system. I told her that we also upheld her in prayer in our group today and that I pray for her daily and always will. I finally witnessed to her about the gracious love of God and what he has done in my life. She has a way to go yet, but she didn’t oppose it; she was glad that I have this in my life and that God has done so much for me. I assured her that God loves her too and wants to fill her life with his grace and goodness. She mentioned the control thing and I said I know how hard that is; wasn’t I one of the most anal people she knows. She had to acknowledge that was true. I said that “yes” it is hard to give up the control and we will always want to have it, but you get so much more than you give up. I explained a little bit about the “silence and solitude” thing. I encouraged her to keep reading the Message. She said she wouldn’t mind my sending her e-mails about what God is doing in my life “just not to send her stuff everyday and drown her in it.” I assured her I would not.
Sh called this evening. I guess they want reception to give out receipts and she will need some help. I said sure. It seems kind of silly to do it this way; why not use the mail slots. But I guess ours is not to reason why.
Lord I thank you for this wonderful, God-filled day. I don’t have the words to describe how wonderful it has been and how wonderful you are to all your children.
Really weird. Dr. L just called me. He’s selling a time share he has and was asking me about quit claim’s. I told him I really hadn’t dealt with them. Because the property is in the states, he will probably end up being billed twice. Canadian lawyers are seldom licensed to act in the states (although some might be) and vice versa. Also, title companies may deal with this kind of stuff. We have them in Canada now but I don’t really know who to get a hold of them. They still usually go through lawyer’s offices. I was sorry I couldn’t be of more help, but it was complimentary to have him ask.
Feb 16/06
My heart is filled with praise and love for you my Lord. Your blessings are uncountable. No words can describe you or what you mean to me. You are faithful and your arms are always outstretched to us. I feel that these last two years of study have been God's way of preparing me for service to him. In my silence and solitude today, all I could do was praise Him and cry tears of pure joy. I felt like I gave Him a great big hug and he hugged me right back. That is so inadequate but somehow it feels right.
Got the workbook today for “Captured by Grace” together with the monthly newsletter. Hit the nail on the head about EGN (extra grace needed). I, too, am an EGN person, but the message came home to me in respect to E. She called this evening; thanked me for the other day (!!!) and I had to tell her I don’t know why she listens to me sometimes. I’m definitely not subtle, but she graciously said that that’s what she needs. God has to be working here, because if the tables were turned, I don’t think I could be as kind as she has been to my often very blunt (and probably hurtful) remarks. I feel guilty about how I feel about her sometimes (and probably will continue to feel that way) but somehow, God’s grace seems to work through it all. I shared with her about the wonderful way God worked yesterday and it was good it share it with her.
Again and again, I thank you and praise with all my inmost being (even that I think is a first; someplace where I felt I could hug my Abba, Father). Listened to that song “Rise Again” tonight; how beautiful and how true.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 10/6/2009 10:54:48 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Feb. 17/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day. F called back; we didn’t talk long because she had an appointment; said she would call back later. I get the feeling she is running from something and I don’t know if she actually wants to engage. I suspect she’s fighting conflicting opposites right now.
Mom is so wound up; she’s like a top that’s going to fly. She said she really hurt today; I pointed out she has had a busy week; Tuesday, doctor’s appointment, Wednesday, groceries, yesterday, J. But she got annoyed and said she had so much to do getting rid of stuff. I asked what she meant. She is so worried that when she dies we will throw out stuff, that she wants to make sure she gives it to someplace like Hope Mission or something. Then she starts in on my having no responsibilities; I don’t understand. She’s right to a point, but she is just not willing to listen to anything and she is definitely not about to help herself. Very worrying. I pray that God will speak to her heart and just get her to slow down.
Feb. 18/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day. Didn’t smoke today. Had a REALLY hard time getting up. It’s almost like being drugged and its very overpowering. I certainly hope I can stay awake for church tomorrow. Don’t seem to have much to say this evening.
Feb. 19/06
Not so good today. Gave in on the smokes. Mom & I had a tiff. Why do I do this to myself? I don’t know if I should scream or cry (already did the cry thing). Tomorrow is a new day and God’s mercies are new every morning.
Feb. 22/06
Went to the leadership seminar last night; just B, P and I there, but it was really good.
Break-for-him went really well. New lady came with I and L; her name is J; I should have gotten her phone number. I hope she comes again.
Also brought home 2 boxes of stuff for small groups to sort through. Great!
Then P came over for lunch and we had a wonderful time talking together until 4:00 pm. I gave her a copy of the memo. There is so much on my mind I don’t know where to start. I told P about “Invitation to Solitude and Silence” and she really wants to read it. She will be busy until later in March and I said, just say the word and you will have the book. I pray that God can use me to be a help and comfort to her. She does so much for others; I know F is her very good friend and they share a lot. I certainly don’t want to barge in on it, but we both share the feeling that being there for each other is so important. We discussed this and it’s a topic that has been really important to me since that Saturday morning leadership conference. I think its really important for leaders at various levels to have each other as support. It can be scary starting out and it’s nice to know that other’s have the same concerns and problems. I know it is God working through us, but there are skills we need to develop. I am very aware of my weaknesses and the areas where I need to grow. I explained to P that I feel I have a responsibility as a member of the church to participate (ie the Annual Meeting). I want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. My tendency to be critical and not politically correct in how I present myself is a real weakness. After 25 years of feeling I had to hit my bosses over the head in order to get them to listen, I must now learn to look at things differently and present issues in a postive light and with all Christian love. I hope that P and I will have an opportunity to discuss things again, at least briefly, before the meeting. Thank you, Lord, for your wonderful blessings, for accepting me and loving me despite myself, for giving me hope and a future.
Got an e-mail from M today. Replied to it, advising that J is really low, could go at any time and that Mom is having trouble dealing with it (which is only natural). I hope that DB or his wife call Mom in the next few days.
Planning to call DT tomorrow evening to discuss what his ideas are about organizing this small group stuff. I figure that if he’s not too clear on it, what I will do is try to organize and describe it in a manner that the information can be manipulated in ways beneficial for the purpose.
It’s been a long day and I’m quite happily tired.
Called CF; things are OK, but things are a grind. Her son is acting out some; he’s worried about his Mom and its coming out in various ways. Doesn’t sound like she will be coming back to church anytime soon. She says it takes too much time our of her week-end. I understand how she feels, but she does need more fellowship. I got her e-mail address and perhaps I can send her some uplifting stuff. Between work and dialysis, I’m sure its hard to make time for such things as Bible reading and I don’t know how much time she spends in prayer. I pray that the Holy Spirit will lead me to things that might be encouraging and helpful for her.
DS called yesterday morning at 8:00 AM. He got to work only to find out that they had been locked out, shut down. After 17 years, all he got was 1 weeks pay for the first 8 weeks. They also took off a bunch for holiday pay that doesn’t make sense. He’s also concerned about the 10 years of pension payments he made to the union. I let him know that if he needs to come home, he’s welcome. He’s not rushing it. He has a lot of contacts in the business and has a good reputation for hard work, so I pray that he will find a new job soon.
Feb 25/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day. Mom sounded good today. Her visit with J went well. I think Mom has finally accepted that J is ready to go to her eternal home. Thank you, Lord, for comforting Mom. Had a great study day today. E called; managed to keep it relatively short; asked for prayer for DS. She told hubby she had ordered the book and he decided he would pay for and pick it up for her birthday. This busy week finally caught up to me today. Had a good sleep. Stayed up long enough to have devotions, read my paper, have breakfast and a bath and then went back to bed for a couple of hours. Felt good and rested when I got up. Feel so blessed by and grateful to my loving Savior.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 10/11/2009 10:32:45 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Feb. 26/06
Great service today; wonderful music, good message. B and P both thanked me for the encouraging e-mail. It was God who filled me with that message; he is the one to thank.
Went to bed last night with a sore throat; woke up feeling pretty lousy. But I was on reception desk at church so felt I had to go. Came home and had a nap for about 45 Minutes. DS didn’t come today. Mom was sleeping when I called and she hasn’t called back. Sisil called from Calgary; we had a nice chat.
Catch-up from Ruth Barton’s book; Chpt. 7, Rest for the Soul:
“And so it is with the soul at rest with God. We do not put on airs. We do not try to make things seem better than they are. We do not pretend to be someone or something we are not. We do not hold back squeals of delight, expressions of need or desire, tears of pain, sadness or disappointment. In times of solitude, the soul rests in God by simply being with God with what is…..
When we stop the music of our life to enter into solitude, we sit down right where we are at that moment, and that’s where we meet God. We meet God in our present delight or our present sadness. We meet God in the tears of our life and the laughter of our life. We meet God in our most unnerving questions and in the answers we are celebrating. No matter where we are on any given day, when the music stops and everything gets quiet, we sit down right where we are and allow ourselves to be there with him.
How desperately our souls need regular moments like that, moments when we rest in God and allow ourselves to be with God with what is most true about us. …
The point of solitude is to be with God with what is true about me right now - whatever that is. Silence, then allows me to simply give God access to the reality of myself. With the same trust and lack of inhibition that a child demonstrates with her mother, I can rest against God and allow him to care for my soul as only he can. …
The experience of gratitude, spread through my soul in solitude, became a source of powerful energy for my ministry the next day and for the events of the next week. … Creating space for gratitude rather than letting it slip by unnoticed became deeply replenishing in a way that mere sleep could not have accomplished.
Quote from Frederick Buechner - “What deadens us most to God’s presence within, I think, is the inner dialogue that we are engaged in within ourselves, the endless chatter of human thought. I suspect that there is nothing more critical to true spiritual comfort than being able from time to time to stop the chatter, including the chatter of spoken prayer.” …
I find it inexplicable the way God comes to us and ministers to us when we are willing to trust ourselves to him. God’s way of making his presence known and comforting us in such moments is as individualized and personal as each mother’s way of holding and comforting her own child; it is a very intimate thing. Going all the way into the grief in God’s presence left me feeling tender and vulnerable, but I could also sense that I was held safely. I felt empty and spent, but I also felt comforted by God’s loving presence. I knew I was not alone in my grief. Nothing was fixed, but I was okay. I had not been swept away. …
Allow time to just experience your gratitude in God’s presence. Don’t feel you have to do anything except to bask in the goodness of God toward you.”
Now from Chapter 8: Emptiness:
“Just when it seems I am getting pieced back together, I start receiving the message that this rest, this guidance for the renewal of body and soul, has been only a beginning: there is a journey ahead, and it is not just any journey. It is actually a quest that will be rather demanding, requiring all the strength and stamina I have gained in rest. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that everything I’ve gone through so far is just preparation! No matter that I thought I made myself clear that I am finished, I am empty, I have nothing left. God has a different read on the whole situation. He says, ‘Great! You have now finally left behind all the external trappings that just get in the way on the spiritual journey. You are starting to become empty enough - empty of your reliance on yourself and empty of those things that satisfy only briefly - to begin hungering for a more substantive experience of my presence.’ …
Elijah’s wilderness experience is a powerful metaphor for the vast emptiness all of us must walk through on the way to encounter with God. But how we as human beings seek to avoid this truth of the spiritual life! The experience of our emptiness is so painful we will do almost anything to avoid it - and most of us do for a long, long time. But try as we might, we cannot escape the fact that willingness to walk into the empty places is a precursor to finding God - in Elijah’s life and in our own. As Dan Allender writes in “The Healing Path”, ‘Our spiritual journey must lead through the desert or else our healing will be the product of our own will and wisdom. It is in the silence of the desert that we hear our dependence on noise. It is in the poverty of the desert that we see clearly our attachments to the trinkets and baubles we cling to for security and pleasure. The desert shatters the soul’s arrogance and leaves body and soul crying out in thirst and hunger. In the desert we trust God or die.’
If the truth be told, I could chronicle my entire spiritual journey by tracking my experiences of emptiness and how these experiences - painful as they are - open to me the substance of God. …
But refusing to walk into the emptiness does no good over the long haul. The abyss of emptiness will only widen until it starts devouring the things we value most with its insatiable hunger. We, like Elijah, must walk across the emptiness of the desert “out there” to arrive at the mouth of the cave that is the emptiness “in here”. But this is a brave thing to do. Most of us spend our whole life trying to avoid the experience of being empty and alone. True solitude allows none of the usual escapes. …
And as much as I was afraid of being drowned by my emotion, I found that the tears were a gift: they softened me, they helped me to let go and breathe, they caused me to open rather than continuing to hold myself so tight and defended against the realities I didn’t want to face. I was unaware how hard and closed I had become.
After the tears things were clearer, like blue skies after the dark clouds have emptied themselves of rain. I found I was cleared out of my anxious striving, cleared out of my anger, no longer afraid of the sadness. After the tears I was empty, but it was a different kind of emptiness. Rather than the kind of emptiness that causes me to clutch and grasp at the nearest fix, this emptiness made me soft and open like a hand outstretched and ready to receive. Receive what? I didn’t know. I stayed in that emptiness until it was time to go home.
As I left my time in solitude, it didn’t seem as if much had happened, which was a bit disconcerting. But as I reenter life in the company of others, I realize that something has shifted inside. Although I’m not quite sure when or how, I notice that I am no longer resisting the emptiness. Now that God and I have gone there together, it is not as scary as it used to be. …. At least for this day I accept the fact that even marriage cannot insulate me from the pain of separateness that is part of the human experience. I am able to embrace the reality that this experience is a good thing - ultimately - because it keeps my heart turned toward God.
I no longer fight against the pain of the unresolved relationship, instead I experience the pain without trying to fix it. I am glad that I still care enough to feel the pain; it means I am alive in the ways I want to be alive. It causes me to pray. At least for this day, I accept this lack of resolution as part of the unfinished work of our lives while knowing that what is unfinished has already been finished at the cosmic level in Christ. …
The gift of solitude on this day is that I was able to walk into my emptiness and I didn’t get lost in it. And I think that is what I am most afraid of - that I will get lost in the emptiness and stay in the wilderness forever. But that is not what happens. Instead, an imperceptible filling - hardly even noticeable - is taking place in my soul. While the experience of being empty is painful, emptiness is prerequisite to being filled. As it turns out, the presence of God is poured out most generously when there is space in our souls to receive him. In the vast emptiness of the human soul there is finally room for God. ….
Remember that we cannot demand that God fill the emptiness on our terms. Let it be enough to experience your emptiness in a new way - no longer as a scary, dark and barren place, but as a place of openness, receptivity and spiritual possibility.”
I guess the e-mail I sent to DB and SIL, including some passages from the book did intrigue them. When I spoke with SIL this evening, she asked for the name and author. Praise the Lord!
Feb 28/06
Thank you, Lord, for your many blessings. I pray, Lord, that you will speak to Mom’s heart, to comfort her about J, to help her let go of Dad. Lord, I don’t even know if I should be praying that. Maybe Mom is right. I just don’t know. Forgive me for my frustration with her, my lack of compassion.
C came over today. Her family has done a number on her again. She’s so tired from trying to carry everybody and never getting anything but a slap in the face because of it. Lord, give her strength and comfort her. I pray for healing for her family, especially C; that her Dad will come back to you and that her mother will have more understanding and will accept more responsibility for her actions (or lack thereof).
Feel pretty lousy today. This cold has me wiped and my arthritis really acted up today. Hands and hips hurt; my right knee doesn’t want to hold me up (I guess if I were my knee, I wouldn’t want to hold me up either). Lord, I pray for strength for tomorrow, that you will bless our group time. I pray too for wisdom and discernment in whether I should talk to Pastor B and if I do, what I should say.
Thank you for your presence, your always being there. Praise and adoration to my wonderful Lord.
March 1/06
Thank you, Lord, that I’m feeling somewhat better today; not so sore. Thank you too for a good group time today; that Mom sounded pretty good; that someone did most of my shoveling; that Pastor B was so understanding today. I think J is going to be someone who enjoys studying and who I may be able to discuss some things with. Lord, help me not to use big words so much. I really don’t mean to be showing off, but some of them are just descriptive.
March 3/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good study day. Kind of a weird day. Mom is really hurting; her neck, hands, etc. Her case worker called and said they are short-staffed so they can’t send anyone out. She is coming to assess Dad on Wednesday. She (like everyone else except Mom) feels Dad should be in a nursing home. He is going to have to learn to wear the Depends. She’s probably going to try to get Dad to wear the Depends (at the risk of her health) so she won’t have to put him in a home. It wasn’t that long ago (few weeks) that Dad got mad and tore out the panty liner and threw it away (where he did this who knows) and got mad when Mom tried to insist. This is getting ridiculous. Obviously these liners don’t help when he dirties himself which is happening more frequently. I don’t know what its going to take for her to give up. She changes her mind from day to day. I KNOW its going to be hard to put him in, but at the rate she’s going, she’s going to be in the nursing home before him! Whenever J’s funeral is, if he dirties himself, he’ll just have to stay that way till Mom gets home, because there is no way I could manage it. I prayed that God would provide the help Mom needs, but perhaps this way is the best; the decision will be taken out of Mom’s hands. If they do find a place for Dad, DB (and I would think me) will also have to be there. Mom wanted me to e-mail DB but what’s the point? There is nothing to say. I told Mom she should call DB; she’s the one who’s talking to the caseworker, not me. Then she decides she’ll wait until Wednesday to see how the assessment turns out. Lately I’ve been thinking I should move to Mexico (despite the heat), someplace with no phones. I’m so tired of this and then so guilty because I feel this way. DS filled out his application for EI. Looks like that other thing won’t work out. My heart goes out to him and I don’t know what to say. My cheque didn’t come today, I pray it comes on Monday. Called G last night (nice gesture, perhaps, but she droned on and on for over an hour). I sure don’t have a very loving spirit in me. Have to let the Lord work through me, because I definitely don’t have it in me. Don’t know what else to say today; don’t really want to get into a real rant. But God is good, His mercies are new every morning.
March 5/06
Thank you, Lord, for this day, for my time with DS, for the wonderful singing at church, the good sermon. It went downhill after that. Mom called just after 8:00 AM to tell me J had passed away. I called her this afternoon. She said L & M were coming to take care of Dad. So then I asked whether she wanted me to come to the funeral with her. I gather yes. Then she calls me while I’m cooking supper. Dwayne has called and he thinks we should send flowers, even though most people ask that donations be made in their name. He thinks if we don’t, people will talk. Mom says she has never ordered flowers; neither have I. She also doesn’t have a credit card which gets her off the hook. Of course, DB hasn’t offered to do it (at least not as of 6:50 PM). So of course the poorest one in the family (me) will probably get stuck with it. I was filled with such rage (which I know is nuts). They are so f…… tight. When Mom & Dad were at DB there was all this talk about paying for me to come visit. Well that never happened. When I went down ON THEIR DESPARATE REQUEST, I paid both ways; nobody offered to pay me back (and that includes Mom). 7:06 PM. I talked to Mom about the flowers. I told her I had checked a couple of web sites. Prices range from $ to $. I asked if these were to be sent to J's and if so I needed her married name and address. Mom thought they should be for the funeral home. DB didn’t explain himself and I don’t know what to do. Mom thinks the funeral will be Thursday. That means I have to change Dr.’s appointment; hope my ventolin lasts. Then she said about the viewing the evening before. I said how was she going to get there (I wouldn’t be going). She said she would probably ask DrB. Then there was the issue of Dad again. Then she said maybe she will just take Dad to the viewing. Then she asked what I wanted to do about the funeral. I was honest, I said it wasn’t my choice to go, but I would go for her sake. Then she said why don’t I look after Dad. I said I’d rather not since L & M already said they would and quite frankly there are 2 of them and it would probably go better with them then with me. I just don’t really feel anything about this. J is in a much better place. Sometimes I worry that I don’t seem to feel much, but then again, no one close to me has died. I cried when A died but I worked with her every day for years. Most of my relatives I haven’t seen in years. I suppose most people go to be a support to the family, but again, I haven’t seen J in probably 40 years. She has her children and their families. I pray, Lord, for forgiveness if this lack of feelings is wrong. If I feel bad about anything, its that I can’t stand to spend any length of time with my parents. I suppose in the end, we all want to live, but I hope I’m not such a bother to my children. But for all I know they already feel that way about me. What goes around comes around. Lord, I pray that my cheque comes tomorrow and that C can take me to the bank.
March 6/06
Thank you, Lord, for your tender mercies; that my cheque came today; for the encouragement and support I received today from E, L and DD.
It’s so hard with Mom right now. Last night DB called and I got quite shrill with him. It was the old story about me being in the middle again, having to translate between them. I said I was sorry, but I’m about at my wits end on this. After 11 years, I’m finding it harder and harder to cope with Mom. She is so changeable from day to day, I never know what I will get. I know she is under a lot of stress and especially now she is mourning J. But its next to impossible to talk to her about anything. This morning I talked to her and she said if I didn’t feel I could go, that was OK. I said I would think about it. Then she called and said the funeral was on Thursday. I told her I wouldn’t be going; I couldn’t stand up long (neither can she). I still felt bad but I think it was the right decision. Then I called P and said I was going to cancel our group for tomorrow; we had plenty of time and because there was no childcare and because of what was going on with me right now, I thought it best to cancel. She was OK with that. I called everyone and told them. I left the impression with J that I was going to the funeral; no one else actually commented to that extent. I felt bad, and I prayed for forgiveness but I just didn’t want to get into a long explanation.
Then I called L and she was very supportive; had quite a nice chat. She too has been telling Mom she can’t keep doing this. Everybody seems to know it but Mom. I KNOW it is a hard decision to make. Something else I had to pray for forgiveness for; I shouldn’t be so catty and opinionated. I left a message for DD re bank etc. She was kind enough to take me to the bank and to pick up my prescriptions. She too, knows how tuff it is with Mom. We had a good visit. My hands were very bad today. It’s good I got the computer. The chapter in Barton’s book today was right on again; about facing yourself which is very very hard. The Lord is so good; somehow I felt so bad but just telling him about it in silent time was very comforting. I truly do want to make this journey and its obvious there is much ahead that will be very difficult. But I still want it so much. Thank you, Lord.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 10/12/2009 10:23:10 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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March 7/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day; that Mom sounded OK, for fellowship with C; for my study time. Here’s some more from Barton’s book, Chpt 9, Facing Ourselves:
“If Elijah’s story tells us anything, it tells us that solitude and silence offer no quick fixes….This is the part of Elijah’s story I am tempted to sidestep, because I, for one, do not like to wait. …
“Waiting, in the realm of the soul, presents us with the same agony. We sit in the waiting room of the soul because we need something. Yes, we could get up and leave, but we would be walking away from the very place where our need could be met. And so we remain in the waiting place, totally at the mercy of God’s timing and initiative in our life.”
“ ‘What are you doing here, Elijah?’ It is a good question, a questions I have often asked myself in solitude. What am I doing here? What am I doing? Who am I when I’m doing nothing. Won’t the world just pass me by while I’m sitting here doing nothing? …
How easy it would be to fudge on the true reason for being in this waiting room of the soul: I needed a little vacation. Needed a change of scenery. Didn’t have much to do, so I thought I’d hang out here in the wilderness for a while. But it’s best not to mess around with superficial answers to questions that have been uttered by God himself, questions that invite us into deeper levels of self-awareness. It’s best to let the truth pour out - desperation, desire, whatever has driven us to the wilderness and keeps us waiting so far outside our comfort zone. It is best to come clean as Elijah did. …
This willingness to see ourselves as we are and to name it in God’s presence is at the very heart of the spiritual journey. But it takes time, time to feel safe enough with ourselves and with God to risk exposing the tender, unfinished places of the soul. We are so accustomed to being shamed or condemned in the unfinished parts of ourselves that it is hard to believe there is a place where all of who we are - the good, the bad and the ugly - will be handled with love and gentleness. Solitude is just such a place, but it takes time to learn to trust it.
This is part of what the waiting is about. It is about becoming safe enough with God that we are no longer defending ourselves or hiding ourselves in his presence. It is about waiting for the ego to finally give up trying to control everything and make it look presentable. It is about accepting the emptiness that comes when we let go of our attempts at image management because we are finally ready to deal in truth, at least to the extent that we are able to bear it. All of this just takes time.
It took me a long time (I won’t tell you how long!) to become safe enough with myself and with God to allow the good, the bad and the ugly to come pouring out. But eventually the outer chaos settled down and I could finally hear God’s question as it was addressed to me: What are you doing here, Ruth?
I was finally ready to risk an honest answer: I have been very zealous for the Lord. I’ve been investing my life in others. I’ve defended the faith. I’ve taken risks. I’ve been very busy loving and serving and leading others, but the truth is, I am empty. Even though I’ve been really busy with stuff that looks really important, when I am alone with myself I am lonely and sad. To be completely honest, I am angry. I am angry about some of what I have seen and experienced among your people, angry that the Christian life has come up so empty. It scares me to be this angry and this sad. I thought the spiritual life would be something more than this, but now I’m not sure any of it makes much of a difference. It feels like I am the only one. These are hard admissions; they are the kind that expose us for who we are.
One would think God might try to engage us in conversation at this point to chide us or to something to fix us. One would think he might try to talk us our of what we are experiencing or give an inspiring speech intended to pull us out of the fund we are in. But he doesn’t; at least that’s not what he does with Elijah. Rather, he instructs Elijah to take his whole self - the good, the bad and the ugly - and go out and stand on the mountain and wait for the presence of the Lord to pass by. There seems to be some connection between the willingness to enter into this kind of self-knowledge and true encounter with the transforming presence of God. But first we must pass through a season of chaos that can be frightening in its intensity….
I believe there was a literal wind, a literal earthquake, a literal fire. But I also believe that this elemental chaos is a metaphor for the inner chaos that surges within when we stay in the presence of the Unchanging Real long enough for pretense and performance and every other thing that has bolstered our sense of self to fall away. When we have been stripped of external distraction, we face the fact that the deepest level of chaos is inside us, at our very core. In this place we are buffeted by all manner of questions and emotions. False patterns of thinking and being and doing that have lurked unnoticed under the surface busyness of our lives are all of a sudden on the surface, wreaking havoc on the structures and foundations on which we have built our identity. Things that seemed sturdy and utterly solid - our sense of who God is and where he can be found, our sense of ourselves and how we identify ourselves in this world, our sense of how much we can control outcomes in our own life and in the lives of others - now swirl around us in broken pieces, propelled by forces that are clearly more powerful than we are.
Am I really worth anything if I’m not out there constantly proving myself? Who am I when I am not busy doing things that tell the world who I am? Why is it so hard to stop the frantic pace of my life even when I know it’s hurting me and those I love? What do I do with this pain and sadness? What is true and real in my relationship with God and what is merely illusion - things I would like to believe are true but really aren’t? Is God really enough to satisfy the loneliness, the emptiness, the longing of my soul?
These are the questions that have rocked my world in solitude. They have called into question much of what I was doing. …
It was confusing and frightening to see this and to name it in God’s presence. Even more devastating was the realization that these patterns of relying on performance to prove my worth were so deeply rooted that I ad no idea how to change them. Once I started to see these patterns for what they were, I wasn’t even sure how to function.
Your questions and points of awareness may be different than mine, but the experience of the chaos they create is the same. All I can say about this part of the journey is that it is a good thing we took time to rest early on. It takes every bit of strength we have gained in that resting to stand firm in the midst of the storm that is created by these first glimpses of ourselves as we really are. Perhaps we glimpse an ego-driven self that is bent on control and image management. Perhaps we see an empty self that is hungry to fill itself with the approval of others. Perhaps we glimpse the broken self desperately seeking to preserve its identity as one who has it all together. Or maybe we see a wounded self that has spent untold energy seeking healing where healing cannot be found. …
But as I rested through the early afternoon, I began to experience stillness, a sense of trust that I would not be forever lost in the confusion but that I was passing through a difficult place that would somehow be deeply good in the end. Beyond my understanding, I became aware of God with me, as steady and as loving in this intent as he always had been. I even began to have these fraction-of-a-second glimpses of some kind of freedom and healing on the other side of this disturbing morass if I would just stick with it. …
When we find ourselves in the rugged terrain of deeper self-knowledge, we may feel very alone, we may feel ashamed, we may feel as if we are the only ones who have ever had to experience such soul-shaking experience. For some of us - especially those of us who have been Christians for a long time - the view of the self that we gain in solitude is shocking. We thought we were better off than that! We thought we had come further. By now we have a lot riding on our ability to keep these false expressions of ourselves under cover. What’s more, we’re not sure there is any other self that the self we have constructed in reaction to the wounds and pains of our life. We have identified with this adapted self for so long and so relied on its energy to propel us forward that we don’t know who we will be if this precarious cliff we are standing on, this place where God has instructed us to stand and wait.
It is comforting - and absolutely essential - to know that this is a very predictable place on the spiritual journey. In classic Christian tradition it is known as the process of illumination (waking up to what reality actually is) and purgation (being stripped of that within us that is false). If we are unaware of this stage, we might fear that we are somehow falling off the spiritual path rather than trusting it as one of the most important passages of the journey.
The purgative passage is characterized by a fierce stripping away, a dying to the only self we have ever known. Intellectual categories, relational and behavioral patterns, even theological beliefs and spiritual practices that have served us in the past begin to crack and crumble. There is a profound sense of vulnerability and disorientation. We feel like a mess - completely out of control.
Quote by Robert Mulholland “The process of being conformed to the image of Christ takes place primarily at the point of our unlikeness to Christ’s image. God is present to us in the most destructive aspects of our cultural captivity. God is involved with us in the most imprisoning bondage of our brokenness. God meets us in those places of our lives that are most alienated from God.”
At first we try to grasp at any handhold that might keep us from falling into the abyss of our nothingness. We hold on to whatever we can for as long as we can, but eventually we must let go. This feels like too much, given the amount of letting go that we have already done. After all, we have already let go of our dependence on noise and words and activity and people. We have let go of our strong identification with the outer trappings of roles and responsibilities to define ourselves. We have experienced the inner void and peered into its blackness. But now there is one more invitation: to let go of the very last handhold - the handhold of the self we have created in response to the wounds of our life in an imperfect world - and free fall into what seems like the utter silence of the void.
It feels like the bravest thing we have ever done - bungee jumping for the soul, if you will. We are truly out of control, far beyond the known, the safe, the familiar. Beyond the personal pampering many in our culture have come to identify as solitude, we begin to understand that, as Henry Nouwen says: “…solitude is not a private therapeutic place. Rather it is the place of conversion, the place where the old self dies and the new self is born…..In solitude I get rid of m y scaffolding, no friends to talk with, no telephone calls to make, no meetings to attend, no music to entertain, no books to distract, just me - naked, vulnerable, weak, sinful, deprived, broken - nothing. It is this nothingness that I have to face in my solitude, a nothingness so dreadful that everything in me wants to run to my friends, my work, my distractions so that I can forget my nothingness and make myself believe that I am worth something. I try to run from the dark abyss of my nothingness and restore my false self in all its vainglory. The task is to persevere in my solitude, to stay in my cell until all my seductive visitors get tired of pounding on my door and leave me alone…The struggle is real because the danger is real. It is the danger of living the whole of our life as one long defense against the reality of our condition.”
Self knowledge does not always have to be this earth-shattering; sometimes it is a much simpler awareness. For instance, one woman shared that as she entered into solitude and silence one morning, she heard God say to her “Sometimes you’re not very nice to people.” This revelation was stunning in its clarity, simplicity and accuracy. It offered her guidance for knowing exactly what needed attention in her life. The point is that on any given day, God might visit us with something as simple as this insight or something more far-reaching and there is a sting or perhaps a deeper sorrow.
But this seeing, as painful as it is, is really a gift from God. It ushers us in to the godly grief that leads to repentence and eventually our salvation (11 Cor. 7:10). It is a sign that God is illuminating our darkness so that we can live in the light of his love and freedom. It is best not to resist God’s illuminating work - even though resistance is our most natural response - but to give in to the process, trusting that there is a truer self waiting to be recognized and breathed into life by the spirit of God.
But this waiting is not be confused with passivity. Waiting on God in the silent places of the soul is an active waiting that contains a seed of expectation and hope. …
This is how we wait for God - with longing, with expectancy, with alert awareness, our whole self straining to catch the earliest possible glimpse of this God who comes. In so doing, we open ourselves to the possibility of being met by God in the silence that follows the storm.
What are you doing here, Edith? Sit quietly with the question, allowing it to penetrate all the way to the core of your being.
Allow your response to this question to emerge from your heart without trying to edit it. You may want to write your response in your journal, you may want to respond with spoken words, or you may need to just experience the emotion that comes. The point is to communicate with God as honestly as you can about what is drawing you deeper and deeper into solitude right now. It may serious and weighty, but it doesn’t have to be. Most recently when God asked me this question in solitude, it did not stir up the chaos I described earlier. This time my honest answer was: I am here because I have been very zealous for the Lord, for what appears to be his purposes. Today there is no sadness, no discouragement, not even the familiar loneliness. There is that sense that everything is as it should be, but sometimes my zealousness gets the better of me and I push for what is not quite ready to come. I feel a familiar frenetic quality to my activity that indicates that I am not as grounded as I would like to be. I am here because I need the ground of my being again.
For right now, let it be enough to say what is true about you and then just wait in God’s presence.
Oh, dear Lord, what a wondrous, frightening, awesome journey you invite me on. Bless you.
March 9/06
Thank you, Lord, for Dr. L; for P’s call, for your Word, my silent time with you. I pray that Mom will get some sleep tonight; she’s so tired. It’s probably just as well I didn’t go the funeral; Mom met lots of people so she really enjoyed that. I just find it confusing to “visit” in that kind of a setting, but shows what I know. I guess Dad was good for L & M. However, after they left he got really upset about finding something, though Mom has no idea what it was. She said she hadn’t seen him that upset for a long time. I guess I better get to work. P thought it would be good if I could have this review of small group materials done by the March 18th meeting.
March 10/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day; for my study time; for E calling with humor to pass on. I feel bad about Mom; she is surely going to mourn Josie for quite a while. We still seem not to be connecting. She phoned me back to tell me that C had come to stand by her at the cemetery and put his arm around her and then pretty much hung up. I tried not to take that as a dig. Then she asked me how my visit with Dr. L went; I said it was good; then she said I don’t tell her anything. I don’t know which end is up with her. I don’t know if it is Satan blocking me, if I just have no skills with her right now, if God is telling me that he must work in me about this. I pretty much finished my small groups review last night; at least the main document. I hope it is acceptable and that will be able to adapt it as may be required. Going to take a night off from doing other stuff, just going to have fun on the computer tonight.
March 12/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day; enthusiastic worship with the youth band, good sermon. Pastor D tried to make light of his time away; it was 6 weeks, not 4. Pastor B was supposed to be giving the message today; I wonder how he feels about that. Mom has requested that I not call for a few days, citing my same requests during my breakdowns. What else can I do, but comply?
Did a stir fry for supper; turned out really good. DS came for supper and seemed to enjoy it too. Will be a busy week this week; tomorrow bank, Tuesday C and Church Annual Meeting; Wednesday Break for Him, Friday, probably H will drop by, Saturday the leadership seminar. Bunch of other things coming up as well. Didn’t have my silent time today; I really shouldn’t miss.
March 13/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day; for my study time, for C taking me to the drug store and the bank; for your leading me to call P and for her understanding and kindness, for E’s kindness as well. She called me a “treasure” today. It crossed my mind that perhaps the Lord is speaking through me to her. I pray that that is true. As I was entering into my silent time today, I had to admit that it had been bothering me that I had left the impression with P that I was going to the funeral. I apologized and asked for her forgiveness. I told her that when I spoke to her on Monday, I still didn’t know whether I would be staying with Dad or going to the funeral with Mom. At that point, I still figured I would be doing one or the other. But when she called me on Thursday, I still had that thought in my head and didn’t really answer honestly. I said I just didn’t feel like having to explain complicated family dynamics to everyone I spoke to. At least, people I didn’t know that well. She was so understanding and I thank and praise God for people like her. Lord, I pray that I can be a blessing to her as much as she has been one to me. Here is some more from Ruth Barton’s book, Chapt 10 “Pure Presence”:
Quote at beginning of chapter by Parker Palmer: “Solitude eventually offers a quiet gift of grace, a gift that comes whenever we are able to face ourselves honestly; the gift of acceptance, of compassion, for who we are as we are. As we allow ourselves to be known in solitude, we discover that we are known by love. Beyond the pain of self-discovery there is a love that does not condemn us but calls us to itself. This loves receives us as we are.”
“To stay on the journey into solitude and silence now is to stay with the experience of seeing ourselves as we are in God’s presence, as challenging as it is. In solitude we stop defending against the reality of our condition, we give up our attempts to control the outcomes of our journey because we can finally see it is quite beyond our ability to control. We let go of our attachment to the pieces of ourselves that we have allowed to define us. We endure the storm created by the old self as it frantically tries to maintain control.
During this part of the journey we may also experience grief as we begin to see all the ways we cut ourselves off from the love that our heart longs for. We may become aware that the pain we have experienced is not merely the result of evil “out there” but also the result of patterns of sin and brokenness that have hardened in and around our own heart.
While these patterns may have developed in reaction to very real traumas and enigmas, they do not serve the journey that God is inviting us to now. We need to take responsibility for having allowed these patterns to shape our lives and responses to others, so that we can choose a different way within the intimacy and safety of our love relationship with God.
Accompanying this self-awareness is a desperate desire for healing and communion that is painful in its intensity. To truly see, with the eyes of the soul, our need for transformation at the very core of our being elicits a longing that is beyond words. This part of the process is so demanding that we may be sorely tempted to turn back. The problem with this possibility is that there is no place to go back to once we have seen ourselves for who we are, enslaved to patterns of relating and being and doing that are ultimately antithetical to the life we are seeking. Where do we go once we realize that we have been living in bondage and we have glimpsed the way of freedom? The only real option is to face it bravely, knowing that truth-seeing will ultimately lead us into freedom. This is all we can do. It does no good to try and fix what we see. It is useless to make excuses for what we see. It is cowardly to blame others for what we see. And denying what we see just puts us right back in the mess. The only thing we can do is to keep our whole selves turned toward God even as we endure the grief and unsettledness that the seeing brings.
But if we are faithful to the seeing, to the grief, to the letting go … if to the best of our ability we cease striving, stop kicking and fighting … if we release our grasping and clinging …
All of a sudden it becomes very quiet.
At first the quiet may feel like just another place of emptiness. We may even feel a sense of dread or fear that we are going to be judged or punished for parts of ourselves we have now brought into the light of day.
But if we stay in this moment, eventually - like Elijah - we begin to notice that this silence is qualitatively different from the emptiness we experienced before. The silence that comes after the chaos is pregnant with the presence of God.
Like Elijah, we may be surprised that at a point of painful self-awareness God does not chide us or scold us or give us a motivational speech inspiring us to pull ourselves together and get back at it. No, in Elijah’s willingness to be there as he was - open and raw and receptive - and in our willingness as well, God grants a most powerful experience of his loving presence.
This silence is unlike all other silences, for it is full of a Presence that makes itself known as a subtle stirring in the soul, a gentle blowing, a quiet whisper. For some there may even be a physical sensation, a vibration, a vision or a voice.
At first we may not know what it is. We may not trust that God has come to us in a way that we can finally experience in the very cells of our being. Perhaps we have assumed that such experiences of the Presence of God are reserved for others who are more spiritual that we think of ourselves as being. It’s probably nothing, we say to ourselves. Perhaps it is a figment of my imagination. Or perhaps this is something I should be afraid of.
It takes time and experience to recognize this God who reaches out and seeks to communicate and commune with us. Who knows what it was caused Elijah to recognize God’s presence in the sound of sheer silence? But the fruit of Elijah’s willingness to remain open to God in the midst of inner chaos created by self-knowledge was that he came to understand through experience that he was loved and valued just as much when he was alone, exhausted and not performing very well as he was when he was standing on a mountain top calling down the fire of God in front of heathen prophets and fickle followers.
When Elijah experienced “the sound of sheer silence” that was full of the Presence of God, there was no need for words or any kind of cognitive response. He wrapped his face in his mantle - a sign of absolute reverence - and he went out and just stood in the Presence. He let the Presence wash over him.
I know of no better response.”
Quotation by Thomas Merton - “The deepest level of communication is not communication but communion. It is wordless. It is beyond words, and beyond speech, and it is beyond concept.”
“The fruit of our waiting and willingness in that silence, ironically, becomes one of the fullest experiences of the spiritual life. Finally I am knowing in the depth of my experience that God is God for me and with me and in me. In the original language of the Bible there are much better and more nuanced words for describing the kind of knowing that is so far beyond our cognitive, informational knowing. The Old and New Testament writers describe a kind of knowledge “that unites the subject with object”. It is a full participation in the truth or the reality being explored.” …
Quotation from Carl Arico, “A Taste of Silence” - “Transformation is the process of God’s recreating our very selves. In the last phase (radical transformation) we are completely out of control, we are no longer in charge. God has taken over and is working on levels of our being we cannot get to. The Divine Physician is performing deep spiritual surgery on us. The surgery is getting to the root of the “stuff” inside us that prevents us from seeing and hearing the gospel. All the phases of transformation are not done through out strategies. They are done to us because we are open to remaining in the presence of God.”
“It is full participation in the reality of God and giving ourselves over to that reality.
This is the most important kind of knowing in the human experience, and it comes only as we are quiet enough to let the faithful presence of God hold us in our brokenness until our brokenness is healed by love. All other kinds of knowing merely set the stage for this. As painful as it is, the process of seeing ourselves as we are and allowing God to do his work in the place that needs it most is full of grace. It offers the opportunity to break out of patterns of thinking and believing which distort our reality, condition our responses to others and prevent us from living as a free self in God. It offers us the opportunity to give ourselves over to the One who loves us as we are and yet loves us too much to let us stay as we are.
But what is left after we have been stripped of the false self, when the tear has gone so deep that we fear that our very essence has been ripped away? Well, this is the part that some of us find hard to believe. We have identified for so long with the illusions of the sinful, wounded self that we can’t imagine there is anything truer about us than that. We have not yet glimpsed the essential self that is a created good brought into being by God himself, known by God long before we were brought into physical form. It is a self that is fearfully and wonderfully made with a purpose uniquely suited to the way in was formed (Ps. 139).
This self is smaller, in one sense, than the ego identity, because it does not need to be big in order to prove itself to the world. This self is truer, because it does not rely on image management to find acceptance in the world. This self is softer, because it does not rely on hardened defense structures to keep itself save in the world. This self is freer, because it knows itself to be finally and ultimately held safely in a Love that is unchangeable and real.
This Love does not lose track of us no matter what dark places we must walk into. It is a Love deeper than any abyss that we might fall into. It is a Love with the power to heal any brokenness we might encounter.
The Love eventually becomes a bedrock of settledness at the core of our being. It is worth any price we have to pay to find it….
As you are quiet in God’s presence, reflect on your response to God’s question at the end of chapter 9. What are you doing here Edith? Is there any areas of your life where God is illuminating your need to be transformed?
As you reflect on the reading today, notice the place(s) where you found yourself saying “That’s exactly where I am!” Perhaps you are in a preawareness stage: you know that something is not quite right, but you’re not sure what it is. Perhaps you are in the midst of seeing yourself as you’ve never seen yourself before. Maybe you are at the point of desperation, finally willing to lie back and let God do the work of stripping away the knottiest layers of the false self. You may even be experiencing the silence that is full of the Presence of God and you’re not quite sure if you can trust it.
Whatever is happening in the silence today, just stay in it without trying to run from it. Tell God what you are experiencing, and ask him if there is anything he wants you to do in response. Invite him to take the initiative with you in regard to whatever you are seeing and follow any prompting that come. God has an uncanny ability to bring exactly what it is we need, right when we are ready to receive it.”
March 15/06
Praise the Lord!! You are so worthy of all our praise. Your compassion is so vast we can’t comprehend it. I’m becoming more and more aware of how little words can really say. Thank you Lord for the wonderful news I received today. S called this evening and said she is thinking about joining an Alpha group or a Bible study. I guess she got a pamphlet for Alpha in the mail and she dropped by the church this evening thinking it was starting tonight. She met a very nice guy (director music, or something) and chatted with him for a while. She phoned me to tell me because she knew I would be joyful about it. She’s worried that they will push her to “convert” and that’s not what she wants. I explained that alpha is non-denominational; that it’s aim is to teach the basics of the Bible. I told her that DB has had Muslims, Mormons, Anglicans, Lutherans, United and Catholics all at one table. We assume that if someone has ever gone to church that they know something about the Bible. But there are some churches I.e. United, that don’t really teach much about the Bible; its more a “feel good” type of thing. Of course, this doesn’t mean all United Churches, just as, yes, you will find some very judgmental churches. Churches are made up of people, all fallible and very human. Some “Christians are hard to get along with, some aren’t, just like in the rest of the world. I told her I can’t guarantee what kind of group she will meet, but I told her that the author of the Alpha course is a Lutheran which really surprised her. Alpha is non-denominational; it teaches basic Bible principles. I suggested that she give it a try for 2 or 3 weeks, just to give it a chance. Perhaps a Bible study would be more to her liking. Just give it a try. But I also stressed that one’s relationship to God is a personal one. Yes, we are called to fellowship in the “body of Christ”, being the church, but our true relationship is directly with God. I got off the phone and just cried for joy and praised my wonderful Lord. Oh what blessings he bestows upon us.
Also, L from class asked me what ecumenical meant. I said I couldn’t really define it, but I would look it up and call her. I did so and while we were talking I thanked her so much for her forgiveness and kindness in extending friendship to me even though I didn’t help her when she needed it. I started to cry a little and she was astonished. She said “Why the tears?“ She said that she was so blessed to be in my class. That I am so willing to answer her questions, she doesn’t feel ashamed to say she doesn’t know much and I guess my enthusiasm has encouraged her. We were all so excited by her news today that she will be getting baptized on March 26th. She was so happy and so excited. She also asked me if I would help her with her testimony. I said sure. I agreed that part can be a little scary but God will see her through. I suggested that she write a draft and give to me on Sunday or next Wednesday and then we can talk about it. Oh dear Lord, I can’t thank you enough for such blessings. P came me a ride home which was really nice. She still wants to read the “silence and solitude book”.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 10/13/2009 10:23:58 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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March 16/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day; good study time, your wonderful word, for DS’s call, for answering prayer for him to find a job; for being able to share yesterday’s blessing with E this morning.
My talk with Mom last night was hardly satisfactory. She wasn’t very clear about what the doctor said. I thought she was going to get results from the ultrasound she had and about the rash on her thighs. The doctor didn’t know what was causing the rash and is going to send her to a skin specialist. I don’t recall her saying specifically anything about the ultrasound. It wasn’t Dr. R that she saw. I guess Dad's brother J came and stayed with Dad as her appointment was later than usual (2:30 PM). The osteo specialist got in some special calcium with vitamin D and they were kind enough to give her a 6 month supply free. She still doesn’t want me to call; she’ll call me. I feel at such a loss as to what to say to her. She said she needs to go to the pain clinic again. Mentioned again she’s having trouble dealing with everything. I seem to keep putting my foot in my mouth with her all the time. I pray that God will continue to look after them, that he will direct and encourage Mom to make the decisions she has to make and to help her to be a peace about them. In Lauren Littauers book, I read something that was helpful. I’m sure that even though Mom is having trouble coping, looking after Dad has given her a sense of purpose, a sense of being needed and the loss of these things probably has a lot to do with her resistance to letting Dad go. I haven’t e-mailed DB about any of this because there isn’t much he could do about it anyway.
I feel bad that I’ve disappointed her, but I think if I had gone to the funeral or looked after Dad, it would have been a disaster; more of a burden then a help. I don’t understand why people would go to a funeral then have lunch and visit; I don’t understand the emotional switch that would require. I feel bad because I can’t seem to feel much compassion about this. For all my complaining about having to act as interpreter between Mom and DB, right now it feels like Mom and I are talking different languages. I don’t know how we lost our way. I’ve prayed and will continue to pray that God will give me understanding and discernment to deal with Mom better. It feels like when it comes to Mom, I’m totally tapped out, sucked dry. I know only the Lord can change this and I don’t know if I am somehow being resistant to his leading in this regard or what. But I also know that there are some things a person has to go through alone. I may have done Mom a disservice trying to help her make decisions over the years. I don’t think all my encouragement was a waste (although in a recent conversation Mom said she couldn’t remember me being encouraging! Boy! Was that a blow!). I got Mom’s birthday card. I will have to call and thank her for it, but I don’t what to call too soon since she doesn’t seem to want me calling.
Our premier's “Third Way” makes me so mad. I doubt he every had any intention of “listening” to anyone. My only “reply” has been a computer generated generic reply. Yippee!
March 17/06
Thank you, Lord, for your many blessings; for this day, your wonderful Word, for DS’s calls, for Your Presence. Quite a day. E called this afternoon; she's called every day but 1 this week. It looks like I’m in for it again. Lord, I pray for compassion, patience, wisdom and discernment. El called again (7:45 PM).
Looks like DS is going to work for ***. They want him to start this weekend. He had me type a resignation in the union membership. They seem willing to pay him what he was making. One their guys quit today and they need Jason even more. I’m sure he has mixed feelings about it, but I think it might be tuff for him to make as much doing something else. I didn’t say it, but I should suggest to him that he keep the headhunter still trying to find something for him.
Today while I was thinking of Mom and this situation, my mind ended up going to a bad place; getting defensive; feeling sorry for myself because they didn’t help me when I needed it, didn’t offer to buy the kids school supplies or pay for further education or anything. This is such a useless way to think. I thought I had laid all that at Jesus feet, but I guess I haven’t really let go. I prayed for release, for compassion, wisdom and discernment to know how to deal with Mom. I was going to call her today, but I figure I’ll wait until Monday and then thank her for the card and the cheque. I don’t feel comfortable with leaving things the way they are. I’m sure she’s disappointed in me and probably I’ve hurt her; I don’t know what to say or what to apologize for. I have a hard time believing that I would have been able to hold it together for the funeral. Probably the cemetery part would have been OK, but I would have had trouble with all those people after. I just don’t get it; mourning one minute, then acting like you’re at a wedding the next. Oh what tangled webs we weave.
Another seminar tomorrow morning, looking forward to it.
March 18/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day; for Mom’s calls, for DD’s call, for the fellowship at the seminar, for the ride home, for keeping us safe, for keeping A safe and giving I & E strength for the day.
It’s snowing cats and dogs; I must thank P (at least I think it was him) for shoveling my front twice today. DATS came early which was good, L managed to talk some guy bulldozing snow in the Leon’s parking lot to come and do it for the church; Praise God! Even though the second in this series of seminars didn’t copy from the satellite, we rewatched some of the one from last time and had a good discussion time instead. I found another box of stuff in the church office; don’t know if it should be included in the small group stuff; will have to investigate further. Told D that some of the stuff I’ve reviewed should be discussed before putting it in the library because some of it is incomplete.
Got home; two messages from Mom wondering where I was; I called her back; apologized for being inadequate and for hurting her; she said I was forgiven before I asked; she seems to be ready to communicate again. Thank you, God! Called DD; she was wondering where I was too. We’re still planning on Monday evening, pending the weather not getting any worse. I said it didn’t really matter what day we went. Haven’t talked to DS yet today and wonder if he went to work. If he did, he must have had a horrendous time on the buses. Got a call from someone (can’t remember their name) asking me to cover for reception tomorrow. I said I would if I got there. I have DATS set up for the ride there but am a bit worried about getting back because G said she won’t be there tomorrow. Will just have to trust God to take care of it. Tried to shovel a little, but it’s really heavy; got from back door to about ¾ of the way on the side of the house, then gave up. Maybe I’ll go out again before bed. I asked her what happened to the book she was supposed to get for her birthday (Invitation to Silence and Solitude). She said she’s supposed to get it for Mother’s Day. I probably shouldn’t have said anything, but I said perhaps E is reading it and want’s to approve it before giving it to her. I probably shouldn’t have said anything, but I find it kind of amusing. He probably thinks I’m a bit of a flake. It doesn’t matter. It’s brought me closer to God and that’s all that does matter.
March 19/06
Thank you, Lord, for being my wonderful Abba Father, for loving me so faithfully.
Today was kind of strange. Satan seems to get at me on Sunday’s a lot. Came home from church, had a nap. Breathing bad. DS came for supper. E called; she was really moved by the message at church today about prayer; she’s also reading a book from L about prayer and she’s very interested. The only caution I gave was that I don’t know that there is any magic formula to get the answers we want from God. I agree, that we should praise first, confess, then make our requests. It seems quite evident that E has taken “control” of her reading. He tells her to read the book from Lil first and then the silence and solitude one. It seems obvious to me that he has either read the book or at least skimmed it. Does it frighten him? Does he disapprove? It’s not for me to say, but then again, not being married I probably can’t understand someone controlling such a thing for me. I called Mom; got the answering machine; she called later and said she has much she has to decide and didn’t really want to talk. It must be hard for her, but I suppose this is one of those times when she has to come to these decisions by herself. Have a headache. I should probably phone C, but I don’t feel up to it. I know she’s busy and I should be the supportive one but I just don’t have it in me right now. She knows my number; she could e-mail me.
March 20/06
Thank you, Lord, for the good day. Mom called with birthday wishes, E sang happy birthday to me, (also called again later), had a nice evening with DD; she took me to Olive Gardens; really pigged out. Got a card from DB and SIL. E admitted that E is being kindly controlling; I take this to mean he has at least skimmed the book. I asked Mom about her ultrasound test; she said she has to go see a gynacologist for this in April. She still doesn’t sound like she wants to talk. I don’t know if I should be calling her daily or what. I guess I’ll just play it by ear. C dropped by late last night asking for that list of places to look in the Bible when…. Luckily I still had one from last spring. She was just on her way to see her sister; this was after 10:00 PM. I think her sister was over there this afternoon. I pray that God will just give her strength to help her sister, that her sister will come back to God and let Him work His healing power. DS is putting in 12-13 hour days again. He’s not sure whether he’s going to stay there or not. He’s going to keep the headhunter out looking for jobs for him. I guess *** is just a zoo right now. They have a bunch of temps there now, no one knows what to do and know what is telling them what to do. It’s only 9:30 but I’m ready for bed. Ate too much so feel sleepy.
March 21/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day; for fellowship with Cheryl this afternoon, for your word, for silent time with you.
Further excerpts from Chapter 11: Receiving guidance:
“How surprising it is to find that our deepest need is to know we can never fall out of that unconditional love within which we live and move and have our being. Beyond formulaic approaches designed to harness God for our purposes, we learn to relinquish control and simply be present to the One whose presence is the bedrock of our being. Given time, we experience that loving Presence as our ultimate reality. We learn in the very cells of our being that this Realty never changes; it is only that our awareness of it is sometimes dulled by the noise and clutter of life.
This reorientation to the ultimate reality of God’s love and goodness is an important first step to receiving guidance. For only when we know the love of God in a deep, experiential way can we be truly open and receptive to his will. Without this knowing it is hard to listen openly for the still, small voice of God, because we are afraid of what we may hear. We’re afraid we may hear the voice of a killjoy God who is just looking for a chance to force us into doing what we most dread. When it comes right down to it, many of us do not believe that God’s intentions toward us are deeply good; instead we live in fear that if we really trust him, he might withhold something good from us. …
When we are settled in God’s love at the core of our being, the waters of the soul become much clearer. We glimpse a more authentic self with truer and more essential gifts to bring to the world than those wrestled out of the unconscious striving of the false self. These gifts come from our created essence, the self that God knew and saw and formed for a purpose that existed before the foundations of the earth (Ps. 139). We learn to recognize the gifts and dynamics of the authentic self because they are qualitatively different from those that come primarily from human striving; they come forth in peace and humility and strength to meet the deep needs of our world. When we grow quiet enough to notice the difference between these two aspects of ourselves, true spiritual guidance can begin to unfold in our life.
It is interesting that Elijah never asked for guidance; guidance simply came in the context of his willingness to be with God in utter openness and vulnerability. Something in the willingness to stop the flow of his own words and listen in silence opened up space for the One who longs to speak and offer guidance for our next steps and knottiest questions. Like a wise and loving parent who waits for a self-sufficient or willful teenager to come to the end of her own wisdom and express openness to be guided, God loves us enough to wait for the teachable moment. …
God then gave Elijah very practical instructions about appointing new kings and also choosing a prophet to eventually replace him. Implicit in this interchange was a gracious and realistic acknowledgement that Elijah was deeply worn out and needed to do life a bit differently. God’s intention was not for Elijah to stay in solitude forever; it was that he return to his prophetic ministry rested and recalibrated through the wisdom he had received. Now Elijah had guidance for how to go back more wisely with consideration for his true limitations. He was able to reenter life in the company of others with staying power that sustained him until the end of his life on earth.
But what about us normal folks who don’t typically carry on audible conversations with God while standing on the side of a mountain? The fact that we can’t see God makes it easy to slip into a pattern of doing all the talking ourselves. Is it too much to expect that God might speak back to us, not only with expressions of love but with guidance that is trustworthy and wise? Is it grandiose to believe God might actually interact with me in such a personal and timely way? And if I do hear something, how do I know that it is God’s voice and not just my own thoughts masquerading as something more spiritual? How do I know it is not a figment of my imagination, a manifestation of my wishful thinking?
One of the basic assumptions of the Christian life is that God does communicate with us through the Holy Spirit. The rhythm of speaking and listening we call communication is at the heart of any real relationship - including our relationship with God. Late in his life on earth, Jesus told his disciples that it was to our advantage that he go away, for then the Holy Spirit would come and be present with us as a counselor and adviser. One who could guide us into the truth right here, right now, as we need it.
The capacity to recognize the voice of God through the ministry of the Holy Spirit arises out of friendship with God that is sustained through prayer, silent listening and attentiveness to all that is going on outside us, inside us and between us and God. Through practice and experience we become familiar with the tone of God’s voice, the content of his communications with us and his unique way of addressing us. We learn to recognize God’s voice just as we recognize the voice of a loved one on the other end of the phone. There is a place deep inside each of us where God’s Spirit witnesses to our spirit about things that are true (Rom. 8:16). It take experience and practice to learn to recognize the communication that goes on in that place. …
Although I still often struggled through the actual moments of silence, I could tell I was starting to calm down. Instead of the chaos that had been the primary characteristic of my inner life, there was a quiet center forming in me, a place of stillness from which I could perceive things more clearly and respond with what was truly called for in the moment. …
But through the practices of solitude and silence, the compulsions of the false self, while still present, had settled down considerably. I could more easily consider relinquishing my need to prove something to others …..Instead of working hard to figure things out on a cognitive level and forcing a solution that made sense from a human point of view, I began to sense what God was calling forth in my life so I could simply join him in it. …
Rather that defending against hearing God’s voice because I was afraid of what he might say, I was certain of God’s love and good intentions towards me. This helped me to trust him in the moment and listen and wait for clear instructions. …
As I followed this step and many others after it, I have found that the path God is leading me on - spiritually, rationally, vocationally - is somehow truer and more deeply satisfying that any other way of choosing and making decisions I have experienced. Contained within each faithful response to God’s guidance is the seed of the next possibility.
I have also discovered that there is a place in any true discernment process where some aspects of the path laid out for us defies human wisdom. God’s wisdom is so far beyond us that it feels like foolishness (I Cor. 1:18-2:16). Sometimes great faith is required to follow God’s wisdom. Once again we are faced with the limitations of the human mind and our need to trust, yet again, that which is beyond ourselves. …
I do know there is a wonderful freedom that comes from paying attention to those desires without needing to figure everything out, but rather being willing to simply watch for the work of God.
Receiving guidance involves trusting that there are some desires that are very true because they issue from the essence of our created self, the unformed substance God knew before the foundations of the earth and called into being in his time. These desires are the ones God promises to meet if we follow every next step that’s clear without being overly concerned about how he will bring it all together (Ps. 37:4-5; Is. 43:1). What is most important is our moment-by-moment response to the promptings of the Spirit as we become more practiced at recognizing them.
At the very heart of the discernment process is an ability to pay attention not only to the obvious - circumstances, the clear meaning of pertinent Scriptures, the advice of friends who are wise in the Lord, the wisdom contained in our faith tradition - but also to the inner dynamics that give us clues as to whether the step we are considering will nurture life in us: the life of Christ lived in and through our most authentic self. Ignatius, the great saint best known for articulating this aspect of the discernment process, identifies these clues as experiences of consolation and desolation. Consolation is the interior movement of the heart that gives us a deep sense of life-giving connection with God, others and our authentic self in God. It is the sense that all is right with the world, that I am free to be given over to God and to love even in moments of pain and crisis. Desolation is the loss of a sense of God’s presence. We feel out of touch with God, with others and with our most authentic self. It is the experience of being off-center, full of turmoil, confusion and maybe even rebellion.
Quote from Albert Edward Day, The Captivating Presence: ‘Obedience is indispensable. Not to a static code, however helpful it may be at times. But obedience to God, who is present with us in every situation and is speaking to us all the time. Every experience, however small (if any obedience is every small), quickens our sensitivity to him and our capacity to understand him and so makes more real our sense of his presence.’
God’s will for us is generally for us to do more of that which gives us life (Jn. 10:10) and to turn away from activities that drain life from us and debilitate us. Most significant decisions - even those that require us to choose between two ostensibly good options… - involve the ability to notice what brings a sense of life and freedom to the true self as we experience ourselves in God. …
As we make it our habit to notice and move toward that which gives us life, receiving guidance becomes routine in day-to-day life as well as in the larger questions. The habit of discernment keeps us in touch with the movement of God’s Spirit within ourselves and in the lives of others, so that we can make choices congruent with the life the Spirit is bringing forth. Then we can draw upon understanding and awareness gained through the habit of discernment to inform our larger life decisions.
The practices of solitude and silence give us a place for paying attention to our inner dynamics, to our circumstances and relationships, and to the dynamics of our relationship with God so that guidance can come as needed. Elijah was wise not to grab for guidance but to simply be open to it.
One of the most reassuring aspects of the Holy Spirit’s ministry is that the Holy Spirit guides us into the truth as we are able to bear it (Jn. 16:12-13). While certain decisions may feel urgent and we earnestly seek God’s guidance for them, it is good to trust God’s timing, for he knows what we can handle.
The aim of our search for guidance is not merely to improve our own life; it is to enhance our participation in God’s work in ways that are congruent with our truest self in God. Over time, the reorientation of our mind and our heart and our will to the unchanging reality of God brings about a transformation that enables us to prove with our whole life that the will of God is good and acceptable and deeply right for us and for our world. …
One way to discern God’s activity and guidance is to pay attention to what gives us a sense of life and what seems to cut us off from a sense of life. As we become more practiced at noticing these dynamics without judgment them, we can be more discerning about choosing what is life-giving in ordinary moments and in the larger decisions.”
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 10/14/2009 10:56:15 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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March 22/06
Lord, I seem to be in a little trouble here. Satan is getting at me, or my natural tendency to pessimism is kicking in. Group wasn’t great today. G wouldn’t shut up. L never said a work and R sounded like a redneck. Her father is a lawyer… guess none of his kids went for higher education. Who knows what I sounded like? I called L to apologize which was probably a mistake. She just accepted it as something that happens sometimes. Wish I was that wise. Mom left a message saying she is “all right”. I tried calling this afternoon but just got the answering machine; didn’t bother leaving a message. Just not up to people today I guess. I wish I wasn’t so critical of everything. I certainly don’t have love for my fellow man, not even fellow Christians. Feeling sorry for myself today. I wish there was someone I could open my heart to. The Bible tells us not to think we’re too smart. Yet I get critical because I seem to be surrounded by people who have no desire to read or learn. That’s not very nice. These people are often kinder, more generous, more accepting. Dear God, you have helped me to change in many ways, but I obviously have a way to go. It’s always so much easier to see the other guy than it is to see ourselves. I probably come across as pretty pathetic as well. G suggested going for lunch, but then decided her stomach was little upset. Thank goodness. The grandson is cute, but he’s loud and wriggly and trying to eat a meal with him would have been painful. I cut out those ads in the Journal about hearing aids, but next week is spring break so if G and I go, she would probably be dragging along the kids. Don’t know if I’m up to that. Lord, give me strength to get through spending all day Sunday with her. Starting to feel like its time to hibernate again; not too anxious to get any calls. While unloading here probably has some benefits, going on too long could REALLY get me going. God is faithful; he brings new mercies every morning. Thank you, Lord.
March 23/06
Thank you, Lord, for a better day. Even had some laughs with Mom. I have this urge to send a letter to the editor and to the gov’t again. Starting to study John. Forgot to call DATS today for Sunday, so will have to call G tomorrow for a ride. The Lord is so good; I was so full of annoyance and resentment and pique yesterday, but by his good grace, I feel more kind and generous today. This world is so mixed up. R hasn’t even started and already we have a ‘Golf Clinic at the Hospital‘. Talk about a misuse of resources! Webster’s defines a hospital as “an institution equipped and staffed to provide medical and surgical and sometimes psychiatric care for the sick and injured.” I guess the Legislature building should become a hospital. There are many there who require surgery (being cut loose) and psychiatric care. It has become a playground (another misuse of resources) for those seriously afflicted with greed and power. If the golf clinic moved into the Legislature, the worst that could happen is a bunch of broken windows, which would be cheap by comparison to what goes on there now. Meanwhile we could move the above mentioned “afflicted” into a hospital. With proper treatment and tender care, perhaps they could become moral and ethical human beings again, healed of the corruption that has infected them. I would gladly give up next year’s proposed “bribe” so that they could get the care they need.
March 24/06
Thank you, Lord, for opening your Word to me today. John 1 just came alive for me. I could just see Jesus and Nathaneal. How true that it is God that brings His Word alive to us. Spent 3 hours on John 1 today. It was great. Put together a box of books for Susan; called her but she was waiting for someone else to call. I thought I better talk to her before I sent them. Maybe I’m overdoing it. I put together a box of 6 or 7 books so I’ll talk to her first. Can’t make up my mind whether I should cook something tomorrow or not. I guess I better call G for a ride Sunday; she will be hurt if I show up in a cab or with J and M. Will try later this evening or tomorrow. Mom didn’t say too much about Dad’s assessment this morning. She seemed somewhat upset that they didn’t sit down and try to talk to Dad. Stuck my foot in my mouth again and said why would they talk to someone who can’t talk back? She thinks they should try to see what he understands. She doesn’t seem to understand that they have no way of knowing what he understands; she probably knows more than anyone and most of the time she doesn’t know either. I dropped it because what’s the point. Then she called with some form that needs both their SIN numbers and she can’t find Dad’s. I don’t recall Dad ever going to the dentist in the last 10 years. She said it’s just in case he needs it. How will we know? I said the only place to find it is probably on their old income tax forms, which are probably at DB's. Then she asked if there wasn’t some place she could call for it. I found a number, but I warned her that this is supposed to be private information and they might make her go through hoops to get it. She tried calling today, but it was around 4:30 PM and of course no one was there. I’m not sure where this form came from; her dentist? The people assessing Dad? She seems to get annoyed if I ask too many questions so I don’t.
March 25/06
Praise the Lord! How wonderful your Word. Studying John 2 & 3 today. It’s amazing how much it means to me now; God’s Word is truly “Living”. Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of your Word.
Great study day. Mom didn’t sound so hot, but wouldn’t say why. DS called; working again. I worry about him so. I was really blown away by some stuff I read last night in the Leader’s Guide for the Walking With God Series from Willow Creek. I’m going to make some notes. It sure speaks to what I’ve been feeling about my experience in small groups to date. Oh, I pray that I will find other Christians I can share my journey with; those who want to learn, to get closer to God, to mature in their faith.
March 27/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good sleep last night, wonderful study time, that Mom sounded good this morning, for the wonderful sunshine today, for your wonderful presence and faithfulness.
Starting to wonder why DB and SIL haven’t got in touch by e-mail. G agreed we would go to the “DaVinci” Seminar tomorrow. Will have to call her tomorrow.
Some more excerpts from Ruth Barton’s book, Chpt 12. - For the Sake of Others:
“As we begin experiencing God’s presence in solitude, we may find our desire for God and the joy of being with him in this way to be a bit overwhelming. After a time it seemed I just couldn’t get enough, and I became a little frightened. I wondered if I would ever be able to fully reengage with people again. Or would I always be wishing to go off by myself? …
For a while I tried to keep these fears and questions to myself. In the midst of the high-performance cultures in which I lived and worked and worshiped, it was embarrassing to acknowledge such a voracious desire for silence and solitude. I was afraid people would question my ability to produce along the lines they were measuring. I was afraid of becoming irrelevant in a world that measures relevance by output and being out front.
At the same time, I realized I was like a starving child who is given a bowl of rice or oatmeal, her first real food in a long time. The child is so hungry that once she realizes where the food is dispensed, she can’t help hanging around that place. …
I now know that I am not the only one who has become so hungry to true “soul food” that I couldn’t seem to get enough. As I have guided others in initial experiences with silence and solitude, often they too are ambushed by the intensity and insatiable quality of their desire. Sometimes they return from their first several hours in real silence, and with a bit of embarrassment (and sometimes a tear sliding down the cheek) they whisper “Can I ask you something?” “Sure.” “When it was time to come back, I didn’t want to come back. I’ve never experienced God loving me like that before. I didn’t want to leave that place where God was so real to me. I don’t want to talk and I don’t want anyone to talk to me. Is that normal?”
I’m not sure I know what “normal” is in all these matters of the soul, but I do know many of us have no idea how starving we are, and that is one reason the invitation to solitude and silence holds so much ambivalence. Some of us are so far into the later stages of spiritual starvation that we don’t know what it is to be full and well. We have been feeding for so long on the emptiness of words and noise and activity that our soul is emaciated, but….we are past the point of desiring real food. The soul-nourishing substance of solitude holds no appeal. …
Others of us are aware of our hunger and have been for so long that when we find ourselves in the presence of real spiritual food we are frantic with fear that we will never get enough after so much emptiness.
Either way, this is pretty scary stuff. All we can do is trust that the process of receiving nourishment will eventually lead us to a place of being able to give out of fullness.
Something about the process of having our emptiness filled in solitude eventually does enable us to engage with those around us on the basis of fullness rather than need. This is another place where we might need help from a spiritual director, for this process should not be rushed. The timing is different for all of us. However, if we relax and trust God’s initiative in the spiritual process, eventually something new begins to shimmer around the edges of our lives and relationships. A different capacity for being present to others in love comes upon us, almost imperceptibly at first. Far beyond the familiar territory of “ought” and “should”, we may notice a spontaneous and surprising desire to find a way to bring some of what we are experiencing in God’s presence to others. There is no fanfare to herald such profound inner changes, just a willingness to give ourselves to it. …
All too often I have responded to my life in the company of others with this kind of frustration, bent on getting my own way and shaping my environment to my own wants and needs. In fact, the awareness of my self-centeredness was one of the things that had sent me on the quest for deeper levels of transformation in the first place…
I thought, if my experiences of solitude and silence don’t make a difference in this real-life moment, then I’m not sure any of this is worth much.
So I looked at God. …I turned inward to that place of quiet where I had grown accustomed to meeting God and asked him to give me sacred eyes - set-apart eyes to see and feel and know spiritual reality in this moment. …
After looking with sacred eyes at these children, I looked back at God, and I sensed his love for them filling my own heart. A deep, beyond-words kind of prayer welled up, a prayer that somehow they would be blessed by the bits and pieces of our togetherness.
Rather than the tiredness of one more evening of parental responsibility, being present to God in this moment somehow graced by heart with love and renewed energy and wonder. I touched a spiritual dynamic that was beyond my own ability to produce. In the midst of external noise and chaos, I was present to God in the company of others, and I was changed by it.
I had not moved beyond solitude, rather, by God’s grace I brought the quietness of my solitude right into the present moment. I was learning, through experience and experimentation, that solitude does not consist only in creating perfect conditions outside myself in a retreat center, a church or a devotional corner; the quietness of solitude and silence was becoming an inner condition within which I was able to recognize and respond to the stirrings, the voice, the very Presence of God himself.
And so the practices of solitude and silence do, in time, bring us full circle-back into life in the human community. Whether we have been away for half an hour of solitude, an extended retreat time or have dropped completely out of sight for a while, God, in his time, does eventually bring us back to the life he has given us. Perhaps nothing in our external circumstances has changed, but we have changed, and that’s what our world needs more than anything.
Without pressing or pushing or trying to do a great altruistic deed, we discover that much that happens in solitude and silence ends up being “for others” - as paradoxical as that may seem. Our speech patterns are refined by the discipline of silence, because growing self-awareness enables us to choose more truly the words we say. Rather than speech that issues from subconscious needs to impress, to put others in their place, to compete, to control and manipulate, to repay hurt with hurt, we now notice our inner dynamics and choose to speak from a different place, a place of love, trust and true wisdom that God is cultivating within us. Over time we become safer for other seeking souls, because we are able to be with them and the issues they are dealing with without being hooked by our own anxieties and fears. We are comfortable with our humanity, because we have experienced God’s love and compassion in that place, and so it becomes very natural for us to extend love and compassion to others in their humanity.
For all our piety and activity, we Christians are not always known for our kindness. Sometimes we are downright mean and judgmental. But most, if not all, of our meanness comes out of the places within us that have been unattended and untouched by God’s love. Every broken place that has not been healed and transformed in God’s presence is a hard edge of our personality that slices and dices other people when they bump up against it. …
Without solitude we are dangerous in the human community and in the Christian community, because we are at the mercy of our compulsions, compelled by our inner emptiness into a self-oriented, anxious search for fullness in the next round of activities, accomplishments or relationships. When we are not finding ourselves loved by God in solitude, in the company of others we are always on the prowl for ways they can fill our emptiness. We enter life in community trying to grab and grasp from others what only God can give.
On the other hand, when we are experiencing ourselves as the beloved of God, accepted and cherished by him in all of our beauty and brokenness, our hard, rough edges start to soften. We begin to see others as beloved as well, and that is what gets reflected back to them when they look into our eyes. Not only does the love of God come to us in solitude, the love of God begins to pour through us to others. This is a very different kind of productivity and only God can bring it forth. …
Success for me now is measured by whether I am living within the rhythms of work and rest, solitude and community, silence and word necessary so the quality of my presence with God and with people and tasks is characterized by love and attention, wisdom and discernment. Success is knowing that the jar of river water is still finding time to sit still so the waters of my soul are clear enough to discern, to the best of my ability, what this moment calls for, and the next, and the next, and the next.
I have watched my life carefully to have a pretty good sense of how much time I need to spend in solitude and silence daily, weekly and monthly in order to stay grounded in God and for his love and wisdom to flow more consistently through my life. It has taken a number of years of exploring and experimenting for me to know what’s needed to be truly well at the soul level, but I am now as clear about that as I am about knowing that I need to eat three meals a day.
These rhythms have become nonnegotiable in my life, but I don’t hold to them legalistically. When they slip, I don’t indulge in a guilt binge, I don’t look to external motivators to find my way back and I don’t push harder on things that aren’t working. Instead I just notice: Where has my desire gone? What have I gotten caught up in that has caused me to be out of touch with my desire and capacity to give God my undivided attention in solitude?
Then I give myself time and space to go back to the beginning - back to the place where this whole journey started for me: desperation and desire. I go back and find that place inside me that longs for more of God than what I have right now, more of truth than I have right now, more authentic spiritual transformation than I have right now. I let my belongings draw me back into the rhythms that sustain my life.
For there is nothing that fills like the Love that is God. There is nothing that transforms like the Presence that is God. There is nothing else that produces what the Silence of God produces within the human soul.
Boy there sure was a lot in this chapter that touched me heart with longing. I pray that as I continue in this discipline, that God will bring forth the love, wisdom and discernment that she indicates.
March 29/06
Missed yesterday. Went to the “DaVinci Code” seminar at church. It was quite good; very good turnout.
Meant to go to the mall today to send S her books but had a hard time getting going. So I did my studying this afternoon and went after supper. Actually, it didn’t cost that much to send the books; less than $**. Spoke to L today; no seminar on Saturday. Had a good chat about small groups and some of the problems we encounter. Worried about DS. He stopped by this morning to pick up some money; when we spoke this evening it looked like he would be there until midnight (and then of course would have to take a cab home). This is getting to be nuts. Hopefully he will get paid on Monday or Tuesday. I left a list of things he could take home for food before I left for the mall, but of course he hadn’t made it by. Lord, I pray for patience and grace to extend to DS. Have another seminar tomorrow evening at the church; have my rides all arranged with DATS. Bought a watch today so I’m not so paranoid about time when I’m counting on DATS for rides.
March 30/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good day. Not feeling very well, but shouldn’t complain. So worried about DS; he came over about 11:30 PM last night and looked like death warmed over. Gave him some food and he went home. Sounded like he wouldn’t go to work today, but he called after lunch and said he was on his way. I guess the guy that hired him called. I suggested that he at least get his cabs paid for. He shouldn’t be working these long hours; he was just starting to gain some weight again. Lord, I pray that you will keep him safe, direct him to make the right decision, draw him to you and help me to be what he needs right now.
Went to another leadership seminar at church this evening. It was good. I left my scribbler on the DATS van. I phoned when I got home and C was kind enough to drop it off about 20 minutes later. What a wonderful person he is. I’m going to call in a citation tomorrow.
March 31/06
Thank you, Lord, for a peaceful day; for the rest I got; for DS’s call; that Mom sounded OK; for Your Word; for the joy of John Tesh’s worship DVD. Feel pretty lousy today; sore throat, cough, very achy. Obviously got the flu.
DS worked ALL night. He at least got some cash for expenses. I pray that God will help him to make the right decision in respect of staying there. I worry about his health and all the stress he’s under.
SIL broke her ankle quite badly. DB and SIL got back from Arizona on Wednesday. If the ligaments are affected, she may need surgery.
The seminar last night certainly gave me food for thought. Made me realize how much I have to learn. It has to be God working through me. I will have to be accountable to God. A part of me wants to back off, but that would be a misuse of my talents. I must pray more about this. I pray that silence and solitude will help me to open myself to hear and listen to God more, that my behavior, my human strivings and brokenness will be healed and I will be able to help others. Probably feeling a bit drippy because I’m not feeling well.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 10/17/2009 10:52:17 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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April 1/06
Thank you, Lord, for a restful day; for your word, for E’s lovely concern for me; that DS looks pretty good.
Still feeling pretty sick; sore throat, popping ears, very achy, mild fever. Managed to get a load of laundry done and the bathroom cleaned. Will have to vacuum when I feel better. Don’t have much to say today. Really enjoying “Red Rocks Platinum” and Charles Swindoll’s book on grace. Talked to DB and SIL last night. E called to make sure I had everything I need, Tylenol, juice, soup, etc. I said that was so sweet; I was fine; had everything I need. Thank you, Lord, for people who care. Thank you, Lord that you care, that you love me, that you are my comfort, my strength, my provider, my friend. Praise you and thank you Lord.
April 3/06
Thank you, Lord, for your faithful presence and love. Had a rough night; up at 1:30, 4:30, 7:30 then finally got up at 8:30. Went back to bed just after 10 and got up at 11:30. Eyes really runny today, still have mild fever. Called C to cancel tomorrow; she offered to pick up anything I needed. G called and agreed to take over the class for Wednesday. She’ll probably drop by tomorrow. Will have to call P in the morning. Came across a beautiful thing in Charles Swindoll’s 1990 book on grace. It’s about letting go:
From “The Grace Awakening" by Charles R. Swindoll; Word Publishing 1990:
Being a person of grace requires letting go of others.
LETTING GO
To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring,
It means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
It’s the realization that I can’t control another.
To let go is not to enable,
But to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
Which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for,
But to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
But to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
But to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
But to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective;
It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
But to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
But to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
But to try to become what dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
But to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more!
April 4/06
Thank you, Lord, that I’m not so achy today; for the good study time; for your very Presence; that my cheque came; that Cheryl agreed to take me to the bank etc tomorrow.
E called; told me something about Mom that I didn’t really want to know. I guess S arranged for two women to come last week to help. Mom wanted them to sew the liners into Dad’s underwear; of course, they wouldn’t. Then she calls company to complain that one just stood around. She got on a tirade about how they are being paid, blah blah blah. If Mom keeps this up, no one will want to come, but I doubt if Mom will ever see what the problem is. DB called from Mom’s; he has a call in to S. Hopefully she will call him and explain things. Then E went on and on about E’s Mom and somebody else’s Mom and about putting them in lodges, etc. First time in a long time that I was getting really impatient with this stuff (a) I had already told Elaine about Mom’s unreasonableness so that wasn’t new (b) Her topic just gave her fuel to go on about everybody else. I finally had to go to the bathroom so had an excuse to cut the call short. It’s 8:24PM and G still hasn’t called or come by for the Break for Him stuff. I left a message for her at home before 8:00PM. Guess I will have to keep calling till I get her. Had a good sleep last night at least. Don’t seem to feel like writing too much lately; probably because I’m not feeling very good.
April 5/06
Thank you, Lord, for C. She is so kind to me. She took me to the drugstore, the bank and to Safeway. She is such a good person. She also might be pregnant. I pray that if she is, it won’t cause a big problem between her and hubby.
Finally got a hold of G last night after 9:00PM. She had forgotten! First she sounded very defensive. I suppose I probably sounded a little exasperated. She decided she would pick it up in the morning. She asked me to put it in the mail box “so she didn’t have to bother me”. I was surprised that she didn’t apologize. Perhaps I should never have asked her to do this, but if she didn’t want to do it, why didn’t she just say “no”. I imagine we will have to talk about it, because I certainly don’t want this to affect our relationship. I could get into a big rant about it, but what’s the point.
Going out today really played me all out. By the time I put stuff away, I was exhausted. I finally lay down for an hour. Dr’s office called and wanted my appt changed from Friday to Thursday.
Feeling kind of depressed; probably just really tired. Left a call for DD.
April 6/06
Thank you, Lord, that I am feeling better today; that my time with Dr. L went well; that G called and all seems OK, for your faithfulness and love. Things didn’t go so well with Mom and DB and SIL. DB and SIL got there and tried to get in the house; they knocked, rang the bell, knocked on windows and Mom wasn’t answering. I know Mom had a bad start to the day and she phoned me about that time to ask for prayer that she would be able to deal with DB and SIL. I think we are in for a rocky few months. Mom’s in a really bad place. She is so stressed out; can’t think clearly and of course, trying to talk sense to her just gets us nowhere. On top of that DB and SIL took SIL’s Mom back to the house and that upset THAT applecart, because suddenly she doesn’t want to get rid of stuff, whereas before she didn’t want to deal with it at all.
DD called; had a good little chat; she may drop by this weekend.
Got an e-mail from DT and I sent an email to CCN about the missed telecasts in the Groups That Grow Series. We’ll see what happens.
April 7/06
Thank you, Lord, for a good night’s sleep; that I’m feeling better; that E shared from Barton’s book; for a good study day; for the Spirit’s working in bringing passages of scripture to light. In particular, when God talks to Samuel about the appointment of a king. I could almost see it. It felt like God was saying to Samuel “now you see how it feels”. God was sharing his heart with Samuel; how beautiful and precious and what a lesson!
This morning Mom told me about yesterday’s mishap. Nursing aide came to give Dad a bath; Mom was sitting at the phone desk. Dad started saying “ow, ow”; so Mom goes in, checks the water. The nurse has put in ONLY hot water; so Mom turns on the cold until the temperature is comfortable. When Mom asked her if she checked the water, she didn’t say anything. Then Mom told her that Dad likes to sit for a while and just soak. The nurse didn’t seem to care about that; Mom said she got him washed and out quickly. Dad kept saying “never, never, never”; I don’t know if this is while he was in the tub or after. Mom has a call in to S about this. Mom says “Now I know how that old lady got killed in the nursing home.” I guess S suggested that when the help comes, Mom should arrange to go out, perhaps to see some of the places where Dad might be placed. After this, of course, Mom says there is no way she is leaving Dad alone with them. This is a definite and very real problem. I’m afraid that Mom has such a bad reputation already that no one wants to come to the house and the ones that do, are probably not going to be very nice. They will probably get themselves all tensed up, wondering what kind of problems they will encounter which sets things off to a bad start. Mom’s hovering and “eagle eye” routine just adds to everyone’s discomfort. Now after this, Mom has good reason to feel that way.
I just called S. The hot water tank blew up and everything in her apartment got flooded. It flooded three days in a row. There is stuff in the drive way, stuff having to be thrown out. Both the girls are sick and she was sick. She doesn’t have tenant’s insurance; the landlord doesn’t want to put in a claim; the company that installed the tanks sold their interest to DE; DE doesn’t want to do anything because she isn’t a client. But praise the Lord, her blood pressure is NORMAL. Dear Lord, you have blessed S with a good attitude; continue to draw her near. I thank you that her blood pressure has been staying normal. Lord, I pray that you will keep her safe and look after her and the girls, that you will keep bringing her to you, that she will be born again.
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RE: Musings and Stuff - 10/18/2009 10:41:12 PM
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Bountiful
Posts: 786
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: online
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Oct. 18/09
OK day today. Quiet. Very sore and tired though.
DS has been sick and off work this past week. This is very unusual because he seldom misses work for any reason. Said he had seen the doctor. He wasn't in a very chatty mood so I left it at that.
Mom wasn't feeling well either earlier this week. Don't know if it was flu or what. She had a terrible headache for about 24 hours and was very weak. Over the next few days it seemed to ease although she still doesn't feel all that great. I tried to tell her that it often takes a while before you fully get over it. She's in a strange mood today. I would call it depressed but she gets very upset if I use that word about her. One of those days I can't say anything right to her.
Had a nice chat with DD. E called to day; talked for about 45 minutes. I don't think I want to go there again, but perhaps God has a purpose for this.
I've been singing this song as a prayer for the last few weeks:
Breathe On Me
Holy Spirit, breathe on me,
Until my heart is clean
Let sunshine fill its inmost part,
With not a cloud between
Chorus
Breathe on me, breathe on me
Holy Spirit, breathe on me
Take Thou my Heart
Cleanse every part,
Holy Spirit, breathe on me.
Holy Spirit, breathe on me,
My stubborn will subdue
Teach me in words of living flame
What Christ would have me do
Chorus
Holy Spirit, breathe on me
Fill me with power divine
Kindle a flame of love and zeal
Within this heart of mine.
Chorus
Holy Spirit, breathe on me
Till I am all Thine own
Until my will is lost in Thine
To live for Thee alone
Chorus
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