Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (Full Version)

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usa777 -> Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/28/2008 10:38:08 PM)

Hi Singles,

We know the verse "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." - Proverbs 13:12

My hope for marriage has been deferred for 25 years now, and my heart is sick. I get soooo depressed! I am not thriving and I feel as though I'm only half alive.

My question is - what happens when that longing is not fulfilled in one's lifetime? Will my heart just stay sick? Will God eventually take away the longing? (Sure doesn't seem like it.)

What do you all think?



Grace-N-Mercy -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/28/2008 10:46:53 PM)

I know... those unfulfilled longings can really hurt sometimes. But y'know, I like the second part to that verse... "a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." What other longings do you have that could fulfill you while you wait for your mate? Are there things that you could be doing that'll keep your mind off what you don't have? I like to think ahead... what do I want to tell my future hubby I was doing while I was waiting for him. [;)] I've got a long way to go with this, but I'm going to school, being involved in church activities, getting involved in the community, etc. Yeah, even while I'm in the midst of these things I feel the pangs of loneliness, but it's not as bad as it could be, kwim?



9drtr -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/28/2008 10:50:42 PM)

Rev 21:1-4:
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

No longing unfulfilled in a person's lifetime will endure in eternity.

It's on this side of death that it hurts. And believe me, I know how it hurts.



blueeyedgirl2 -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/29/2008 1:42:13 AM)

I've been thinking about posting this since this thread was started. Now I'm tired so I hope I can get my point across.

On Saturday I was working on updating my avatar. I was poring over the Facebook flair hoping to find something that fit me, something that was appropriate for my life as a 32 year old single Christian girl (I don't like lady or woman). [:)] As you can see, I picked "God is writing my life story." At the time I thought, "Yeah, that's nice. That'll work", so I uploaded it.

Then I went back to my Saturday cleaning which gives me lots of time to think. Somehow I started wondering how sad God might be when I'm not happy in my life. After all, I do believe He has me in this time and in this place (singlehood) for a reason. So does it break His heart when I'm all doom and gloom because I'm alone? I think maybe it does. "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans not to harm you, but to give you hope and a future."

If we're all honest with ourselves, we've all probably been there, I know I have, where life seems hopeless and that God may have just forgotten us. Instead of pulling away from Him, He wants us to cry out to Him and share our frustration and sadness and disappointments and pain. That's the kind of God we serve, one who loves us no matter what, even when we forget how blessed we are. Maybe pray that if it is His will for you to marry that He bring someone into your life and if not that He would take that desire away.

Hang in there, usa! God is with you and we're here to support you.



losgan -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/29/2008 5:05:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: blueeyedgirl2
Somehow I started wondering how sad God might be when I'm not happy in my life. After all, I do believe He has me in this time and in this place (singlehood) for a reason. So does it break His heart when I'm all doom and gloom because I'm alone? I think maybe it does. "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans not to harm you, but to give you hope and a future."

If we're all honest with ourselves, we've all probably been there, I know I have, where life seems hopeless and that God may have just forgotten us. Instead of pulling away from Him, He wants us to cry out to Him and share our frustration and sadness and disappointments and pain. That's the kind of God we serve, one who loves us no matter what, even when we forget how blessed we are. Maybe pray that if it is His will for you to marry that He bring someone into your life and if not that He would take that desire away.


Excellent post! That is a verse I often cling to. When I am doing God's will in my life, there is no better place I could be - because God, and His will, are perfect. It brings me comfort.

Thank you for the beautiful reminder that He wants us to bring ALL things to Him. And yes, if we want something that He does not want for us, our hearts are not beyond His reach for changing when we bring them to Him open handed.



John_O -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/29/2008 7:40:19 AM)

Excellent post blueeyedgirl!!

Hey Mods, Wake up!! Can we get some stars in here (post4)!!!



sunshinesoprano -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/29/2008 7:52:37 AM)

OH what a pertinent question.

My heart's been sick, too. But there have been some things I had to deal with.

For example, I've been living in the past, sure that if no one wanted me before, no one would want me now. What a lie of the enemy!

I've been scared that this life that I enjoy now, being able to travel and sing, would be changed, when MY GOD has full capacity to let me have my cake and eat it, too!!!

A friend of mine desperately wanted to have a baby, but because of endometriosis, couldn't conceive. God spoke to her one day and told her He would heal her and allow her to have a baby. She tried very hard to encourage me, but my answer was, "God never promised me anything. How do I know it's not just my flesh talking?"

Then one day, God gave ME a promise. That there was nothing I could do or change to make it happen or not happen; that he would answer my prayer and it would be awesome and to His glory.

How awesome that God would take the time to speak to me. And how foolish of me to dwell in the flesh forgetting that the God who created the universe could answer my prayer!

Easy to wait? NOPE. Totally impossible some days.

My suggestion is as Michelle's and others' to pour out your heart to God: he can handle it!

The enemy wants to get you bogged down in it and make you miserable. Don't let him!!!!

Focus on something other than yourself.



mutinywxgirl -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/29/2008 10:23:06 AM)

quote:

Hey Mods, Wake up!! Can we get some stars in here (post4)!!!


Cut us some slack - I tried to do it and my system locked up! [8D]



John_O -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/29/2008 11:55:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl

quote:

Hey Mods, Wake up!! Can we get some stars in here (post4)!!!


Cut us some slack - I tried to do it and my system locked up! [8D]


Ya, ya, ya, Likely excuse



Prairiehiker -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/29/2008 12:12:50 PM)

While it is comforting to quote the Jeremiah 29:11 verse, it would be good to read through a few more verses. This is a very specific promise to a specific people under a specific circumstances. I'm sure God will be with us through the hard times of our lives, but maybe we're using this verse to not really live an examined life. Maybe we should take the time to see how we've contributed to our situation.

-What's our attitude? Does it display a true inner, and radiant beauty that would draw people to us
-Are we clinging on to past relationships that have reached it's end a long time ago?
-Are we doing our best to live a full life, serving God not only through church activities, but through every encounter we have with people?
-Are we making ourselves ready for relationships by dropping our baggages, our negative attitudes?
-Do we hang out with the wrong crowd and expect that we'll find the right person there? Or even date the wrong people hoping we'd change them?
-Are we approachable or are we carrying this sign on our forehead that says, "don't talk to me unless you have marriage in mind"?
-Do we cultivate real friendships?
-Do we have a decent job?
-Are we healthy physically, mentally, psychologically,
-Are we safe people to be around with?
-Are we marriage material meaning can we handle being married...serving and loving someone for life?

While it is comforting to think that God has plans for us, and I'm sure He does, perhaps, a little reflection on how we manifest our trust and faith in God in our daily lives would be a practical advice that would go along way. God didn't want us to sit around and wait. He wants us to Do life with him actively, not passively. It's better that we make a mistake and learn early.

Here's the rest of the Jeremiah Verse. It's basically GOd telling his people to live.


Jeremiah 29: 5-11

5 "Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. 6 Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. 7 Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper." 8 Yes, this is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says: "Do not let the prophets and diviners among you deceive you. Do not listen to the dreams you encourage them to have. 9 They are prophesying lies to you in my name. I have not sent them," declares the LORD.

10 This is what the LORD says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.



sunluvingirl -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/29/2008 12:24:33 PM)

^^^Stars definitely well-deserved!



Prairiehiker -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/29/2008 12:32:08 PM)

SUnluvin' thanks, lol. Can you tell I just turned 40 and in a very reflective mood. I asked myself why I'm single, and honestly, it's because I have been doing things the same way over and over again, and every time, hoping I'd end up married when my means of getting there would probably sent me to pluto rather than marriageland! So, I sat down and really took a hard look at how I blamed God the whole time, when in reality, even if God sent the right person knockign down my door with a note attached to his forehead that he's the right one, I wouldn't even know what to do with him.

God's finally getting through to me...and there's a lot there to work on.



sunluvingirl -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/29/2008 12:47:56 PM)

Just so I'm not taking credit that doesn't belong to me, the stars were already there when I said it! [:)]



blueeyedgirl2 -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/29/2008 6:07:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker

While it is comforting to quote the Jeremiah 29:11 verse, it would be good to read through a few more verses. This is a very specific promise to a specific people under a specific circumstances. I'm sure God will be with us through the hard times of our lives, but maybe we're using this verse to not really live an examined life. Maybe we should take the time to see how we've contributed to our situation.

-What's our attitude? Does it display a true inner, and radiant beauty that would draw people to us
-Are we clinging on to past relationships that have reached it's end a long time ago?
-Are we doing our best to live a full life, serving God not only through church activities, but through every encounter we have with people?
-Are we making ourselves ready for relationships by dropping our baggages, our negative attitudes?
-Do we hang out with the wrong crowd and expect that we'll find the right person there? Or even date the wrong people hoping we'd change them?
-Are we approachable or are we carrying this sign on our forehead that says, "don't talk to me unless you have marriage in mind"?
-Do we cultivate real friendships?
-Do we have a decent job?
-Are we healthy physically, mentally, psychologically,
-Are we safe people to be around with?
-Are we marriage material meaning can we handle being married...serving and loving someone for life?

While it is comforting to think that God has plans for us, and I'm sure He does, perhaps, a little reflection on how we manifest our trust and faith in God in our daily lives would be a practical advice that would go along way. God didn't want us to sit around and wait. He wants us to Do life with him actively, not passively. It's better that we make a mistake and learn early.

Here's the rest of the Jeremiah Verse. It's basically GOd telling his people to live.


Jeremiah 29: 5-11

5 "Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. 6 Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. 7 Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper." 8 Yes, this is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says: "Do not let the prophets and diviners among you deceive you. Do not listen to the dreams you encourage them to have. 9 They are prophesying lies to you in my name. I have not sent them," declares the LORD.

10 This is what the LORD says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


I agree. . . thanks for the insight. Maybe when I'm 40 I'll be that insightful too. . . [:D]

Please don't throw anything at me! Just kidding. . .



usa777 -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/29/2008 9:36:40 PM)

Wow, people have a lot to say about this!

What about the possibility that God has been trying to tell me something the past 25 years? Like, He does not want me married? Maybe that's why it never works out.

I feel like I've wasted a ton of time on opposite-sex relationships, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing this. Seems like no matter what I do, nothing happens. Finding a mate is a complete mystery at this point - I have absolutely no idea how other people do it. Must be a miracle that 2 people would fall in love with each other to the point of wanting to give their lives to each other, because I certainly can't explain how it happens. Most people somehow meet "the one", yet it has eluded me.

A related question I have is how come anyone I think I could build a marriage with likes me only as a friend, and vice-versa? I can never be on the same page with a man.

Hate to say this because I don't really believe in luck, but things make so little sense to me that I think those who find someone do it by happenstance. We all know people who don't even treat their spouses right, or are downright mean people, and they somehow manage to get married. Yet I have had a very good radar for finding nice Christian guys from stable homes - and still can't get anywhere. [&o]



usa777 -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/29/2008 9:38:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 9drtr

Rev 21:1-4:
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

No longing unfulfilled in a person's lifetime will endure in eternity.

It's on this side of death that it hurts. And believe me, I know how it hurts.


Thank God that when I die I'll no longer have this constant emotional pain!!!



John_O -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/29/2008 10:07:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: usa777
I feel like I've wasted a ton of time on opposite-sex relationships, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing this. Seems like no matter what I do, nothing happens. Finding a mate is a complete mystery at this point - I have absolutely no idea how other people do it. Must be a miracle that 2 people would fall in love with each other to the point of wanting to give their lives to each other, because I certainly can't explain how it happens. Most people somehow meet "the one", yet it has eluded me.


Although I've not been there that long I do understand what you are saying. It is miracle when two people meet and fall inlove. How else could you describe two becomming one.

quote:

We all know people who don't even treat their spouses right, or are downright mean people, and they somehow manage to get married. Yet I have had a very good radar for finding nice Christian guys from stable homes - and still can't get anywhere. [&o]


And this is the part that really blows my mind. Total scum bags who beat on and cheat on their wives seem to have their pick of women while Good Christian guys can't seem to find anyone who really fits.

The only consolation I can give is that when we do find someone, it will truly be till death do us part. No divorce in this boy's future.



losgan -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/30/2008 6:24:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: John_O

And this is the part that really blows my mind. Total scum bags who beat on and cheat on their wives seem to have their pick of women while Good Christian guys can't seem to find anyone who really fits.

The only consolation I can give is that when we do find someone, it will truly be till death do us part. No divorce in this boy's future.


My ex played the part of a "Good Christian guy" (though just a surface one - I didn't look too hard for fruit and involvement, mistake #1) for two years. It was a shock to me when he said one day that the Bible is "the equivalent of Asop's Fables, stories for children about how to live." There were a lot of shocks in the months following the wedding.

So - take heart in that those scum bags tend to "get" their women by putting up a false front at some point.

And ladies - if you aren't praying for God to help you see through those fronts, it is ever so easy to overlook.

I'm worrying (most likely needlessly) about a front right now. I'm afraid I was asked out only to scope me out as a potential cat babysitter.



ShallbeRebuilt -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/30/2008 7:16:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: losgan

quote:

ORIGINAL: John_O

And this is the part that really blows my mind. Total scum bags who beat on and cheat on their wives seem to have their pick of women while Good Christian guys can't seem to find anyone who really fits.

The only consolation I can give is that when we do find someone, it will truly be till death do us part. No divorce in this boy's future.


My ex played the part of a "Good Christian guy" (though just a surface one - I didn't look too hard for fruit and involvement, mistake #1) for two years. It was a shock to me when he said one day that the Bible is "the equivalent of Asop's Fables, stories for children about how to live." There were a lot of shocks in the months following the wedding.

So - take heart in that those scum bags tend to "get" their women by putting up a false front at some point.

And ladies - if you aren't praying for God to help you see through those fronts, it is ever so easy to overlook.

I'm worrying (most likely needlessly) about a front right now. I'm afraid I was asked out only to scope me out as a potential cat babysitter.


Once you've been deceived like that, it's hard to trust again. My last crush (several years ago) turned out to be a child p*rn addict. Nobody knew it...except the FBI. He was otherwise such an upstanding, engaging person that everyone loved him and even trusted their children with him.

GP1 and I have had a lot of trouble with this in learning to trust The Beau. We know that something that glitters isn't always gold. He's had to prove himself over and over again, and explain things that he should never have had to explain.

I guess there's still some possibility that something could be hiding. But at some point we have to trust that really very few people are like that, and that God is good and will protect us and help us to see what we need to see.

shallbe



Prairiehiker -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/30/2008 7:26:09 AM)

.......Always ask God to show you what's in the man's (or woman's) heart before you let yourself get too far in the relationship. And God will honor that, if you're truly seeking his will. I know in my recent experience, God showed me within a week that the man's words didn't match his actions, and I knew God answered my prayer. Though it hurt quite a bit, I felt I was being protected.



mutinywxgirl -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/30/2008 7:26:16 AM)

And I have my own story along these lines as well - in that he most definitely talked the talk - always calling me from church, etc, but, there was ZERO fruit in his life, and once you crossed him, forget it - you're the scum of the earth - despite speaking God's truth into his life. I'm now considered the psycho stalker woman by him - when he's the one who is now on his 4th marriage and they got married within 6 months of his previous divorce. He's got problems - much bigger than I could handle - and thankfully, God got me out of the situation - for my own good. But, that doesn't mean I hadn't fallen completely in love with him and wanted to marry him myself! To say that I've been hesitant is an understatement.

So, my hope keeps getting deferred, and deferred, and deferred.

Something I once prayed - back when I was turning 25 - was that I would marry someone who I already knew (don't ask me why I prayed for this). So now, 22+ years later, I'm still not married, BUT, there are still two people in my life who fit that little silly detail - but only one really fits my desire. So, *should* God ever allow us to marry, I will be able to tell him that one day. I hadn't even realized it until earlier this year - and I just started cracking up. God DOES have a sense of humor.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/30/2008 7:39:25 AM)

quote:

I'm now considered the psycho stalker woman by him


Don't worry, Lisa, most men who are unstable call every women they played with psycho....LOL. I've known too many male friends who has a string of psycho exes...at least, that's how they referred to their previous girlfriends, which really tells more about them, than about the women.

9quote]So, my hope keeps getting deferred, and deferred, and deferred.

I'm starting to hope again after God crushed my hope on the last guy....which was about time He did. It went on wayyyy too long.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/30/2008 8:43:08 AM)

I'm not sure if this fits or not, but I keep thinking of Caleb and Job. Both went through trials of no fault of their own, but they still had God's promise and they were still taken care in the end. One received the promise land and the other was blessed doubly what he had before his trials.

Caleb had such faith and such hope in his God that he didn't waiver one bit. Job grew frustrated and threw fits that would put an insolent toddler to shame but his faith never failed.

I think this is the lesson that God is showing me...if I continue to hold the faith and hold onto His promises, He won't let me down. I just have to keep holding onto what He has shown me. It'll happen; just in His time, not mine.



sunshinesoprano -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/30/2008 9:15:06 AM)

Tink that's a great line of thought and actually similar to a testimony I give during concerts.

We sing Babbie Mason's "He'll Find a Way" and this song has become very personal to me.

Job had everything taken away from him and everyone told him that it was something wrong with HIM that was the problem.

Well, that's what the "world" has lead me to believe; there is something about ME that I need to change/fix in order for my dream to come true.

But that's contrary to the promise God gave me.

Once Job realized that he was questioning the motivation and ability of the God who created all the universe, his chains were broken and he was freed!!!!

That's been very liberating to me knowing that I am going through this sometimes agonizing pain for God's glory and so that maybe one day I can be a blessing to someone going through a similar situation.



rgod -> RE: Hope Deferred... and deferred... and deferred (9/30/2008 10:29:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: usa777

Hi Singles,

We know the verse "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." - Proverbs 13:12

My hope for marriage has been deferred for 25 years now, and my heart is sick. I get soooo depressed! I am not thriving and I feel as though I'm only half alive.

My question is - what happens when that longing is not fulfilled in one's lifetime? Will my heart just stay sick? Will God eventually take away the longing? (Sure doesn't seem like it.)

What do you all think?


There have been some excellent points made here. I especially enjoyed Prairie Hiker's post on Jeremiah 29:5-11 - It is good to look at that verse in context. Actually, there was lots of good advice from all who posted. I'm in the same boat. There are many times when I am happy with my life and don't think a lot about marriage - and I have faith in what God has promised. But then, there are times when I just want to cry and I feel so frustrated. I think things are a bit different for people who have never been close to being married because there is the element of never having been chosen, which is very painful. The only real antidote to long-lasting heart-sickness that I've found is to try to stay filled with faith, even when I don't feel like it. And to keep putting myself out there - keep taking care of myself - keep being open - when I don't feel like it. I'm a person who loves do lots of different things (I'm always doing SOMETHING) - so being single hasn't stopped me from living my life. I think most people get to be this way after a certain age because you wake up and realize that it would be a horrible waste to just put your life on hold for a spouse. But, I think it is just difficult, no matter how you slice it.

In Hebrews 11, it talks about people who had faith, but the longing was not fulfilled in this lifetime. We can pray for God to take away the longing, and He might - but perhaps some things are simply a thorn in the side - like what Paul was talking about. People don't like to think about that - but it is true. There are some longings that will not be fulfilled on this side. For some, it might be getting well, for others it might be having children, for others - maybe getting married, for others it might be having to stay in a very difficult marriage because God has not given the permission to leave. But I've come to the conclusion that the most important thing that God wants to develop in us is faith during our brief time here - even if it is costly to us.

In the meantime, Jesus says that He will be enough, and if we let Him, He will be true to His word. Right now, I think of Him in these instances like manna - He gives us what we need - we might prefer the leeks and onions and meat - but He will sustain us. And He is "tasty" but in a much different way than we might prefer. And at some point, He will meet all of our desires - it might not be on this side though.

I think for me - to ward off long-lasting depression over this possibility - I had to start looking at things this way. We know that God can do what seems impossible to us - He did it for Sarah, for Abraham, for Elizabeth, for Moses, for Hannah, and for countless others and He can do it for you (and me too!). So, I had to come to the conclusion that I'd rather spend 80 years trusting that God will answer His promise that He made to me and grant me a husband, but be disappointed for 1 day while I'm lying on my death bed - than to spend all of that time being discouraged, sad and lacking in faith. That is what helps me when I feel sad about this (like today!).



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