What's the best way to confront men? (Full Version)

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Prairiehiker -> What's the best way to confront men? (9/21/2008 7:00:58 PM)

The point of this might be nil since I've already done the dirty deed of sending a hate mail/death threat, lol. Well, not really. I just send a really angry email to the man who treated me like ****. I know i didn't sound godly (well, I had no swear words in the email, so that's a plus, right) and sounded a bit bitter. I was totally frustrated and hurt, and told him so, and pretty much blocked him after so he can't respond to me. That's the end of it. I just had to get things off my chest and felt he deserved to know how much of a jerk he's been.

But is that really effective? Did I just waste my time and energy? The purpose of the letter was to let him know what he's done wrong, and maybe put a bandaid to my wounded ego. I know ranting like that probably has no real effect on the fellow, so for next time, how can we effectively vent away our frustrations to you men without sounding like we're some psycho. (note: I was kidding about the death threat and being psycho...that's just for dramatic effect)



StephenJ -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/21/2008 9:27:16 PM)

I've been there, not with a guy obviously[:)] but with people who have hurt me.

The Bible tells us to forgive the people who wrong us. I feel like a bit hypocritical saying that, as it's an area I'm not that great at. It's what the Bible instructs though.



John_O -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/21/2008 9:38:41 PM)

The problem you will see is that the guys who treat women that way don't care what the woman thinks after. The guys who do care wouldn't treat you like that in the first place.

I think you need to confront anyone with gentleness and compassion, but not as a doormat. Be strong but be Christlike. KWIM?



Prairiehiker -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/21/2008 9:59:39 PM)

Hey, Christ confronted the moneychangers in the church by driving them out...even used a whip and turned tables and chairs....

So, John O, is that your suggestion? Because I'm feeling pretty psychotic right now, LOL. ha ha (just kidding...I really need to go for a run to get rid of all this pent up energy that even Metallica in full blast isn't helping.

There are times for gentle confrontations...esp if it's your brother in Christ. There are times when you know fully well that the person you're confronting is never gonna get it because his/her heart is defiant. Is there any confronting needed? That's my struggle...because the man in question doesn't not care one bit how his actions affected me big time.

And compassion???Hmmm...I have compassion for the poor and the homeless, But compassion for the poor schmuck that treated me like a doormat...hmmm....that would be hard to do....and it would take divine intervention for me to have the heart of compassion for him...lol.

Yes, I need to pray tonight....like I've been praying all day...



APZR -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/21/2008 10:02:18 PM)

By email? When I need to chew someone out, I do it person. I want them to see how ticked off I am, and I also want to see if there is any glimmer of remorse in their eyes. If not, then I'll open both barrels and let them really have it.



willfs -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/22/2008 8:04:44 AM)

Prairiehiker, If someone is being a jerk to you then I totally understand calling him out. However, your post raised some questions for me on the situ:

Could you have talked to him where he was able to respond back?
Could you have communicated how you felt without being harsh?

If the answer is no to both of those questions then you have probably answered your own question. If a guy is so much of a jerk that there is no discussion with him then you might be greatly limited in dealing with the problem.

Could you have just ended the relationship without the confrontation?

The only way I have to relate to this is with a friend (guy) who was such a big jerk that I just stopped hanging out with him. I have also had a few girls treat me in such a way that I should have run away long before I did. I didn't ever tell them how they made me feel. But maybe I should have.

Are you feeling psycho because you are afraid of what others may think of you?

Thats what usually causes me to feel psycho.

Is your question about confronting most guys or just this guy.

I hope most of your confrontations are not the type with the conditions stated above (you can't discuss the issue and your feelings are harsh). Knowing us guys though, if you spend anymore time around the opposite sex you will once again find yourself angry. My opinion is that its all a heart issue. But I am a long way from walking the balance between standing up for myself and putting others ahead of myself. Hopefully, your calling him out will help him realize he needs to make some changes. You were right about Jesus getting angry. But notice that everytime Jesus got angry it was when someone else was being mistreated and not when he was personaly mistreated.



Prairiehiker -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/22/2008 8:19:40 AM)

Will, dude, don't take the psycho comment seriously, loll. I was just messing around. I meant I had so much energy that if I was advice to do the Jesus way of confronting the moneychangers, yeah, I could pull it off...I could probably turn over those tables And chairs with one hand while holding the whip with the other, And probably doing it while doing some back flips And somersaults....a la jackie Chan in most kung fu movies...ha ha ha......

I know one option for me was to leave the relationship with my tail tucked in And cowardly walk away (again, don't take the tail thing seriously, loll). But sigh...if you know what this guy did, I just didn't' have it in me to be nice. Christians aren't supposed to be doormat. Love your neighbor as you love yourself...or vice versa....so, I saw confrontation as a way to defend myself...as no one else will.....

And as for having a conversation? I was being ignored so how can I have a conversation with someone who was ignoring me. Did I deserve it? It's not a matter of what i deserve or not, but it's a matter of what's right And wrong....And what he did clearly was wrong.

So, I let him have it, then walked away....standing tall in victory, loll, saying "I showed that jerk, hah! while the guy was probably shaking his head saying..."psycho".

Sorry, early morning posts...I don't have all my cylinders working....



Prairiehiker -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/22/2008 8:34:28 AM)

Yours, your post will probably be deleted as it's men only who can respond.

I feel for you. I really do. In reality, closure is what you bring to yourself, and you don't wait for someone else to give it to you. THat's what I did....no point talking rationally to a person who is not reasonable.



mrtigger -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/22/2008 9:00:33 AM)

Launching flames on someone may make you feel better that you got it off your chest. But it won't really resolve the actual issues.

I don't normally launch on people but from time to time I have. [8|]

I think the drawback of going after someone like that is someone who is an "innocent jerk", (that is someone who hurt you but not intentionally and is not normally like that,) is going to be hurt alot by your words. On the other hand, the true "always a jerk" person is going to blow it off like it was nothing.



John_O -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/22/2008 9:55:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
So, John O, is that your suggestion? Because I'm feeling pretty psychotic right now, LOL. ha ha (just kidding...I really need to go for a run to get rid of all this pent up energy that even Metallica in full blast isn't helping.


Read Mrtiggers post 9.

Confronting this guy might be satisfying for the moment but it will not change him at all and will only get you all riled up. It may even come back to haunt you as you feel guilty about unloading on the guy (even if he did deserve it)

Your best move is to just drop it. If need be turn Hiim over to God and let God deal with it. God can do much more damage (or disciplinary correction if you prefer) than you can even imagine.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/22/2008 2:32:24 PM)

i agree about dropping it but it might be valuable to reflect on the situation and see if there's anything you can learn from the relationship in all your dealings with this man. please don't think i am saying you are to blame at all, but there's usually things we all can learn from our relationships.

the best way to confront would depend on the nature of the relationships. some relationships maybe don't even have a need for a big confrontation.



Prairiehiker -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/22/2008 4:28:00 PM)

I already send the nasty email (it’s not nasty, it’s more truthful...maybe a bit bitter, but not nasty in anyway). So, the question is for future situations.

And I agree with most of the response that suggest there should be no confrontation needed when you know you have no chance at getting through to the person you want to confront. But...and here is how I rationalize what I did....NoEvil brought up the point that I used to justify my action. The nature of the relationship has to be taken into account. It’s a 4 year relationship, with the last two being just friends. So, when someone you consider a friend did a terrible act to you, you don’t just shrug your shoulder and walk and write him off. You confront him. The how was the question. What I did was probably not the wisest way of confronting him, but given that I was completely taken aback by his action, I needed to say a final word to him, then cut off the relationship for good without giving him a chance to explain. Or else, he’d come around in a few days thinking what he did was acceptable and that he didn’t do anything wrong and if we can continue being friends again as though nothing happened.

Yup, this has happened in the past so, this is where I see my part in the problem. I trusted too easily without seeing any evidence that he has changed. Or I knew that he’s a bit of an egomaniac but I gave the benefit of the doubt that maybe he’s changed, and he’s serious this time. Plus all the God talk had me all excited. So, no, I’m not that innocent here because I trusted, but I mean, how else are we supposed to relate to people without allowing a little bit of trust and hope that change is possible?

In retrospect, I could have just let him get away with it like I originally planned, played it cool, and pretended that he’s got no effect on me. But that’s not genuine, because I sure went through a few days of hell there. I had to do what I did. Maybe God will use it to change him; maybe not. But it sure changed me. I feel better knowing I walked away for good without feeling like an idiot, and that he now knows exactly that I have him figured out and I lost every ounce of respect for him. And respect is his big need in life.



OneJohn410 -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/23/2008 1:24:19 AM)

Prairiehiker,
APZR's post is good stuff, although I'm not going to start shooting away until I see remorse.

However you choose to approach us on things, if it is thanks for good times, you are sorry there were bad times, and now we are history... at least when I think of confronting someone, that's just the start of recovery. There's usually no 'extra points' for really laying the confrontation on heavy. That doesn't speed up the writing of the personal history in the brain's diary of the past. You've got to say, as you are, well, that chapter's written, ain't looking back, time to start writing the next one and move my thoughts along. No cheating. There's no reward for lengthening out the whole process of freindship termination. Don't carry chapter one around with you. It's too easy to get stuck there with the unfortunate, the woes-smee, and the whassup with my smarts? How did I not see that coming?



Prairiehiker -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/23/2008 6:30:30 AM)

Thanks OneJohn410. I guess this is one major difference between men and women. Men can leave a relationship without saying why, and just disappear leaving women clueless, whereas women tend to explain why, leaving men shaking their head as it's not necessary. Just go away. I thought giving a little bit of explanation for why you're leaving the relationship is always good so that if you ran into them across the street, you'd know whether to approach them and greet or run like hell before she runs you over....



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/23/2008 8:27:32 AM)

prariehiker, do you really not have any clue or insight into why this man disappeared. if this is a followup post to one of your other he says posts about the man asking about marriage, i think the general consensus was that he was sincerely interested or just a player. in your followup posts, you were leaning to the latter. if this is the case, i think you really have your answer. some men will say or do anything to try to get a woman in bed and then disappear afterwards (whether successful in which case he possibly moving on to a new challenge or unsuccessful realizing he won't succeed).

also i don't know about being a difference between men and women. i know of women either myself or through friends who have just disappeared or broken off a relationship with an explanation.



Prairiehiker -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/23/2008 8:41:46 AM)

Yes, it is the same guy. The thing that made it tough was we've been good friends for a couple of years, and dated a few years back....so, it didn't make sense that he'd just do that to try to score (he didn't...well, not physically anyway...but if it was an emotional score he was looking for, he definitely did) because that seemed the furthest from his mind. That's why I felt a need to confront. If it was a casual friend, I doubt I'd even fret about it.

Like OneJohn said, I closed that chapter and hopefully, tried to work hard not to revisit it. It did feel good to let it all out........then walk away.



willfs -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/23/2008 9:11:54 PM)

Prairie Hiker, I have to ask why you came back in response to my post with such a bite. I'm sorry I didn't see that the psycho thing was a joke. I notice that you did mention you feared he was going away from this thinking "psycho". I realize this mention of psycho is different from the prior mentions. But that was the point I was trying to make: who cares what others, especially this guy, thinks, if you are doing what is right.

I hope I wasn't underestimating the gravity of what this guy did. Maybe I shouldn't be so free with my opinion. After your response I didn't really want to respond to another post on the "he says" again.



Prairiehiker -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/23/2008 9:59:33 PM)

Good job on confronting me, Willfs....

I apologized for my response to you. Thanks for taking the time to respond, and a well thought out response too. I didn't' mean to offend you with my little tongue in cheek humor and lack of seriousness to your post. I didn't' think that we really had never had crossed each other's posts, so you're not familiar with my humor, which seldom comes out, lol.

This is how I usually talk with some friends, so I made my early morning posts as though I was talking to a friend, and not posting on an online forum. I guess my use of the word psycho is like saying, I'm going postal or mental or crazy....which really doesn't mean anything other than It's a funny way to exaggerate that one is feeling overwhelmed. I'm not sure if It's politically correct, but since I"m not supposed to care what people think, then who cares, right? Ok, That's probably not going to be taken as It's meant again, lol. A lot of what I said was said as a joke, like doing the Jackie Chan thing, and running over someone with a car. It's my dark humour coming out...surely, there's a room for that here.

The thing is when you had a relationship with someone, you would, for a time, think about what they think. That's just the way things are. Eventually, it'll just fade from my thoughts....as it slowly has been for the past few hours.......until I'm reminded again...........dang!



OneJohn410 -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/23/2008 11:18:32 PM)

I'm sorry, I've misunderstood. It's clear to me now, you and Jackie Chan are close friends, and he happens to be filming part of his next movie in town, and you happen to have him over sometimes for dinner.

Being how it is, the best way to confront men is with Jackie Chan- just so you don't get him arrested somehow. A rapidly speaking blur of motion followed by a round kick should deliver some sort of message. Fortunately, I already considered this and am on most martial artist actors fan clubs.



Prairiehiker -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/24/2008 12:47:58 AM)

Oh no, it's OneJohn again and I can't understand his words of wisdom most of the time, lol...this time, he really lost me...........aaarrrghhh...

Ok, thread close....I forgot what my real issue was......

It's old age..>I turn 40 in 13 mins.........woo hoo...........



willfs -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/24/2008 7:30:03 AM)

I think I am starting to get your humor.[sm=icon_smile.gif]



Prairiehiker -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/24/2008 9:23:08 AM)

Thanks Willfs, I'm glad we're cool. Is that a plane on your avatar? DId you jump from it???



OneJohn410 -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/25/2008 1:26:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker

Oh no, it's OneJohn again and I can't understand his words of wisdom most of the time, lol...this time, he really lost me...........aaarrrghhh...

Ok, thread close....I forgot what my real issue was......

It's old age..>I turn 40 in 13 mins.........woo hoo...........

[sm=dance.gif] A 1, a 2, a 1, 2, 3... [sm=dance.gif]
[sm=icon_smile_sing.gif]Happy birthday to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy birthday toooo (a little out of key here) youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Happy birthday, dear heavens! That's a pirate aaarrghhh!! dear pirate m'lady Prariehiker....
happy birthday to you!!!!!!! And many more!

Anyway, you've mentioned Jackie Chan in several of your posts now, so I just put 4 and 7.352 together and realized you have more going for you than you may have been aware.

Cheers! Hope you had a happy one, and that your DD didn't scare you to death with a gag gift.

OneJohn410



Prairiehiker -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/25/2008 2:46:48 PM)

OH...I didn't see this one...or didn't hear this one.....Thanks, OneJohn....best song I've ever heard today, lol

No, my daughter didn't scare me with a gag gift....because she forgot my birthday and I'll never let her live that down, lol.....One more way to make her miserable.......LOL....

On that note....ciao.....for now....



willfs -> RE: What's the best way to confront men? (9/25/2008 11:17:58 PM)

No, I didn't jump, just rode in it (or flew). Its lake Mede. The picture was taken on a grand canyon tour.



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