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LightYagami777 -> age differences (9/5/2008 10:21:02 AM)

Hello,

I am a christian young man,19.there's this girl at my church that I like,problem is she's 11(12 this december)

Her father doesn't know about my feelings and neither does she.Her father doesn't mind a 7 year age difference,I found that out by getting into a discussion about a 14 year old dating a 21 year old and he said he didn't have a problem with that.
My question is,are my feelings wrong?I'm no pedophile,Idon't think of her sexually,that'd be...disgusting.

if they're not wrong,should I confess?



ta_mosquito -> RE: age differences (9/5/2008 10:44:38 AM)

I think you should keep your feelings to yourself until she's at least 16.

As for her father and the discussion you had - was the discussion about a hypothetical 14 year old or about HIS daughter when she's 14? BIG difference.



LightYagami777 -> RE: age differences (9/5/2008 11:06:55 AM)

it was about an actual couple where the girl was 14 and the guy was 21.(not his daughter.)



ta_mosquito -> RE: age differences (9/5/2008 12:19:12 PM)

I still think he might have a different opinion if it were about his daughter. [;)]



solo_soprano22 -> RE: age differences (9/5/2008 1:28:23 PM)

I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but I'd wait until she's older to date her. Eleven just seems way too young to me...for a nineteen-year old.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: age differences (9/5/2008 1:50:00 PM)

Um........no, no, no. Where there is smoke, there is fire. I'm sure you haven't done anything inappropriate with the girl, but to me, this just has over tones of pedophile-ness. I find it disturbing that as a man over 18, you could even THINK of minor child that way. If you were 20 and 28 it would be different. You need to run far away.

You know women find this attitude hurtful. It's really hard for women when men of their own age don't think that they are "good enough," for them, and the men just HAVE to have someone way younger. A man in our church did that. He was a year younger than me, and married someone 13 years younger than him when he moved to another church/town, and she was only 17 when they were engaged, and 18 when they were married, and I used to babysit her. I had really thought a lot of this guy, and that was really tough for me.

I also know a couple that when they met, were in your exact same situation, and so the guy married her the minute she turned 18, and that couple is not happy, because the girl feels like all she ever knew in life was "belonging to this guy," and never got to experience work, college, living on her own, etc. So, if you want to go down that path, fine, but she may not be happy.

If you guys are meant to be some day, you still need to run the other way, live your life, and if you're truly meant to be, God will bring you back around when the time is right. A person only gets one childhood. Let this girl have hers.



Focusing -> RE: age differences (9/5/2008 2:39:14 PM)

She's a little girl. I personally feel that as a young man it is very inappropriate to be attracted to a little girl.

What exactly is it about her you are attracted to?



solo_soprano22 -> RE: age differences (9/5/2008 2:55:48 PM)

I don't see a problem with liking younger females (or older). The problem in this case is the actual age itself, not the gap. I think you should leave it alone until she's older; you might not have the same feelings later (or marry [;)]), but I think it's the right thing to do.

I tend to like much older men; I don't think there's a thing wrong with it. :) Just make sure, even if there's a huge gap, that you wait until someone is the appropriate age to start dating.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: age differences (9/5/2008 3:08:25 PM)

quote:

The problem in this case is the actual age itself, not the gap.


That was kind of my point...it's not just the age difference, it's the age difference AT that age.



PrincessButtercup -> RE: age differences (9/5/2008 4:18:46 PM)

That's what I'm thinking. A seven year age difference itself really shouldn't be a problem.

But the fact that she's 11 and you are 19 sends up a red flag.

You ought to wait a while until she's at least 16. She's just a kid. Let her enjoy her childhood and grow up before pursuing her.



Coffee_Drinker -> RE: age differences (9/5/2008 4:27:32 PM)

If some 19 year old wanted to date my 11 year old grand daughter and told me about it!


I would not go well for the 19 year old.

I would recommend you change your mind about this... situation.


When I was 23, there was this 14 year old that had a crush on me. She would go out of her way just to be near me. She was a very nice girl and an attractive girl. However, the age difference was not conducive to the success of a relationship. I knew her family and her family knew me. I had to make myself scarce from that situation. I guess you can say that I just "faded away."



solo_soprano22 -> RE: age differences (9/5/2008 4:39:59 PM)

quote:

You know women find this attitude hurtful. It's really hard for women when men of their own age don't think that they are "good enough," for them, and the men just HAVE to have someone way younger. A man in our church did that. He was a year younger than me, and married someone 13 years younger than him when he moved to another church/town, and she was only 17 when they were engaged, and 18 when they were married, and I used to babysit her. I had really thought a lot of this guy, and that was really tough for me.


Well, I was trying to reply more to this. :) He didn't tell us his attitude about who's "good enough" and who's not (in his mind).

Not every man likes younger women because women their own age or older aren't good enough; sometimes it's just a preference. I don't think guys my own age or younger aren't good enough for me. I just prefer older men. Unless someone asks me why I prefer older men, I'd like it if they wouldn't assume it's because I feel that other age groups aren't good enough. :)

And not every marriage with an age gap that's wide turns out badly. [;)] I'm sure we probably all know couples who feel like they are in bad marriages; age gaps aren't always the culprit.



sudden -> RE: age differences (9/5/2008 4:45:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: solo_soprano22

And not every marriage with an age gap that's wide turns out badly. [;)] I'm sure we probably all know couples who feel like they are in bad marriages; age gaps aren't always the culprit.


The point is we are not talking about two people who are considering or who could consider marraige. We are talking about a 19 year old MAN and and 11 year old CHILD.

Someone call the CAS please!!!!

Sudden



solo_soprano22 -> RE: age differences (9/5/2008 4:53:26 PM)

I was talking about the example that Jewels gave. :)

The OP didn't say he wanted to marry anyone. He asked if his feelings were wrong and should he confess. I think he should leave her alone for some years, then if he still has the feelings, ask her out. Eleven is too young to be doing a myriad of things, IMO. If it's meant to be, it'll happen when she's old enough.



creationtalk -> RE: age differences (9/6/2008 12:16:45 PM)

So basically what you are saying is that there is a female child at your church that you think is pretty amazing and you think that you love her. While there is nothing inherently wrong with your feelings, I think that you need to back off and get some perspective. This is a child that will do an incredible amount of changing in the next 5-10 years...and so will you. Keep your distance from her and let her grow up. How long you should wait to let her grow up...that depends a lot on her and you. Some people mature (mentally and emotionally) quicker than others. She needs a chance to figure out who she is before she is involved in a relationship with anyone.

At this stage in your life you should be pursuing a relationship with Christ and becoming a responsible, self-supporting adult. You should also be giving some thought to who YOU are and what you want out of life and out of a life partner. You should also think about what you need to accomplish so that you will be prepared to be a Godly husband and father--the provider and protector of your family.

BTW, I think that one reason the divorce rate is as high in the church as it is in the general population is because many Christian young people marry young before they have had a chance to figure out who they are, what is important to them...and they find that when they have both grown up, they have grown apart as well.



sudden -> RE: age differences (9/6/2008 2:19:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: solo_soprano22

I was talking about the example that Jewels gave. :)

The OP didn't say he wanted to marry anyone. He asked if his feelings were wrong and should he confess. I think he should leave her alone for some years, then if he still has the feelings, ask her out. Eleven is too young to be doing a myriad of things, IMO. If it's meant to be, it'll happen when she's old enough.



My mistake. O.K. then ...Yes your feelings are wrong! Run away as fast as you can!

Sudden



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: age differences (9/6/2008 3:08:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LightYagami777

Hello,

I am a christian young man,19.there's this girl at my church that I like,problem is she's 11(12 this december)

Her father doesn't know about my feelings and neither does she.Her father doesn't mind a 7 year age difference,I found that out by getting into a discussion about a 14 year old dating a 21 year old and he said he didn't have a problem with that.
My question is,are my feelings wrong?I'm no pedophile,Idon't think of her sexually,that'd be...disgusting.

if they're not wrong,should I confess?
LightYagami777, there's nothing wrong with age differences between adults. However, at 11 or 12 years old, there is nothing adult about a young girl. In fact, physically she may not have even entered puberty yet.

Incidentally my opinions about a 21-year old dating a 14-year old are pretty much the same as my opinion of a 19 year old with an 11 year old.

I personally would wonder what a 19-year old would see in a 11 / 12-year old little girl. In fact, if I had a daughter that age and knew of a young man who was interested in here, I would make sure that young man never had any more contact with my daughter.

I was in the 7th grade when I was 11. By the time I was 19, I had been graduated from high school for 2 years. There is a huge gap of life experiences between those two ages.

BTW, this post is being written by someone who married someone 25 years old than herself. But at the time of the marriage, both the bride and groom were well into their adulthood.

Blessings,
Sharon-Marie



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: age differences (9/6/2008 5:58:23 PM)

LightYagami777,

It's really something quite taboo. The church really doesn't talk about it. In fact as far as I know (in america) no one really deals with it. But it's called Pedophilia. The only way we deal with Pedophilia in our country is upon finding a man/woman with such issues we arrest and jail them. We as a society frown down on them. LightYagami777, I'm really kind of surprised that more women have not told you that you are treading dangerous ground.

Your feelings are not appropriate.

You are experiencing feelings of pedophilia. The church is now just coming to terms with the high porn usage in the church, but have yet to delve into world of pedophilia in terms of treatment and even just acknowledging its existence in the church. The Catholic church is a great example of how people would rather ignore, relocate, and payoff the problem rather than face the fact that there is a HUGE problem within the Catholic church with men struggling with pedophilia. We talk about SSA attraction, and we have recovery, accountability, and other kinds of therapy groups now within the church. Bravo! But there is a need for such groups for men (and some women) who experience this.

You need realize the feelings you are experiencing (while fine and dandy for a young man interested in a young woman) are entirely unappropriate to experiece toward an 11y/o child. Your feelings are on par with a young man gazing across the room at a church function at another young man and feeling like he's "in love." These are inappropriate feelings. Likewise, there is nothing wrong with sex--within marriage. But sex outside of marrige, the Bible teaches us is COMPLETELY inappropriate.

You my friend, should not be advised to wait six years. You should not be advised to "talk with her father." Or even to fade away. You need to get help about the way you feel. I am not sure that we adequately serve people like you, by telling you things like, "wait, or talk." If you are truly "attracted" in some real fashion to this child, so that you are "thinking of marriage," then you may have a very serious problem that needs to be dealt with--Hopefully with the help of God, prayer, fasting, meditation on God's Word, and counsel with a pastor or an older more mature christian you can trust.

What if you wait 6 years and marry her? What if everything goes hunky dory with you both for about 15 years after that? And then you suddenly form an attraction to one of your own children's playmates? This is how we get to these situations that devastate families, wives, childrens, and even those who purpetrate such crimes against children. There are support groups for women whose husbands have molested children, you know. Hiding the problem, burying it, waiting it out, etc., etc. is not going to STOP the problem. This is a PROBLEM. There is nothing healthy or natural about a 19 y/o man contemplating marriage with a child.

You need to not only avoid this girl at all costs--but avoid children if you can. This is not to say that you are a "pedophile." But, that you are experiencing feelings and thoughts of pedophilia--no matter how cerebral or sensual. You need to get some help--because I think, you've probably been entertaining this "unhealthy preoccupation with a child" for a bit.

Start doing some soul searching. Have you ever been attracted to other little girls in the past? If you've experimented with porn, were some of your subjects rather young looking? Do you like the young girl anime that sexualizes, young almost child-like animated characters? What age range are you usually attracted to?

This isn't about "age" alone. This is about a child and a man. You are a man. She is a child. Your request is tantamount to a 30y/o asking whether it would be appropriate to ask out a 4y/o when she gets out of nursery after church.

Please get some help. Do not hide this issue. Do not rationalize this issue. Get help. Get in your bible. Ask God for forgiveness. You can overcome these feelings and thoughts. Remember, our flesh is full of all wickedness--but God's spirit gives us strength to overcome and do what is right.

I will pray for you. But until you get REAL help and begin to transform your mind in Christ, I'd suggest you not only stay away from this girl--but all children. If satan can tempt you with children, then flee, and run from them. There is nothing evil in and of itself in children, but if Satan can use this to tempt you, the flee temptation. God will give you strength to overcome. So, get that help you need! And please, go to someone you KNOW you can trust. Pray. pray. pray. Fast. Read your bible. Can you talk to your parents about this?

I will be praying for you.



rgod -> RE: age differences (9/7/2008 8:34:07 PM)

Dakotasunbeam - thank you so much for your response. I was concerned while I was reading this thread, but didn't have time to respond adequately. LightYagami777 - I hope that you read it and take it to heart. I also pray that you can get some help - perhaps talking with a christian counselor even as you are praying and asking the Lord to help you with this.



LightYagami777 -> RE: age differences (9/8/2008 10:21:06 AM)

For one thing,I told you,I have no sexual feelings for her.Also,I am willing to wait for her to grow up.If I still have these feelings,fine,then i'll talk to her and her father.If I don't then...Well feelings are just feelings,and what are feelings?anybody? say it with me...WORTHLESS!!!



LightYagami777 -> RE: age differences (9/8/2008 10:24:16 AM)

I AM A CHRISTIAN!!!GOD'S SON!!!CHILD OF LIGHT!!! I WOULDN'T DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!!

*sigh* one of my life's purposes is to PROTECT those I love and care for.Friends,family etc.If I were to hurt one of them in a major way,I'd punish myself(seeing how the justice system is useless when it comes to the death penalty,but that's a rant for another day)
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam

LightYagami777,

It's really something quite taboo. The church really doesn't talk about it. In fact as far as I know (in america) no one really deals with it. But it's called Pedophilia. The only way we deal with Pedophilia in our country is upon finding a man/woman with such issues we arrest and jail them. We as a society frown down on them. LightYagami777, I'm really kind of surprised that more women have not told you that you are treading dangerous ground.

Your feelings are not appropriate.

You are experiencing feelings of pedophilia. The church is now just coming to terms with the high porn usage in the church, but have yet to delve into world of pedophilia in terms of treatment and even just acknowledging its existence in the church. The Catholic church is a great example of how people would rather ignore, relocate, and payoff the problem rather than face the fact that there is a HUGE problem within the Catholic church with men struggling with pedophilia. We talk about SSA attraction, and we have recovery, accountability, and other kinds of therapy groups now within the church. Bravo! But there is a need for such groups for men (and some women) who experience this.

You need realize the feelings you are experiencing (while fine and dandy for a young man interested in a young woman) are entirely unappropriate to experiece toward an 11y/o child. Your feelings are on par with a young man gazing across the room at a church function at another young man and feeling like he's "in love." These are inappropriate feelings. Likewise, there is nothing wrong with sex--within marriage. But sex outside of marrige, the Bible teaches us is COMPLETELY inappropriate.

You my friend, should not be advised to wait six years. You should not be advised to "talk with her father." Or even to fade away. You need to get help about the way you feel. I am not sure that we adequately serve people like you, by telling you things like, "wait, or talk." If you are truly "attracted" in some real fashion to this child, so that you are "thinking of marriage," then you may have a very serious problem that needs to be dealt with--Hopefully with the help of God, prayer, fasting, meditation on God's Word, and counsel with a pastor or an older more mature christian you can trust.

What if you wait 6 years and marry her? What if everything goes hunky dory with you both for about 15 years after that? And then you suddenly form an attraction to one of your own children's playmates? This is how we get to these situations that devastate families, wives, childrens, and even those who purpetrate such crimes against children. There are support groups for women whose husbands have molested children, you know. Hiding the problem, burying it, waiting it out, etc., etc. is not going to STOP the problem. This is a PROBLEM. There is nothing healthy or natural about a 19 y/o man contemplating marriage with a child.

You need to not only avoid this girl at all costs--but avoid children if you can. This is not to say that you are a "pedophile." But, that you are experiencing feelings and thoughts of pedophilia--no matter how cerebral or sensual. You need to get some help--because I think, you've probably been entertaining this "unhealthy preoccupation with a child" for a bit.

Start doing some soul searching. Have you ever been attracted to other little girls in the past? If you've experimented with porn, were some of your subjects rather young looking? Do you like the young girl anime that sexualizes, young almost child-like animated characters? What age range are you usually attracted to?

This isn't about "age" alone. This is about a child and a man. You are a man. She is a child. Your request is tantamount to a 30y/o asking whether it would be appropriate to ask out a 4y/o when she gets out of nursery after church.

Please get some help. Do not hide this issue. Do not rationalize this issue. Get help. Get in your bible. Ask God for forgiveness. You can overcome these feelings and thoughts. Remember, our flesh is full of all wickedness--but God's spirit gives us strength to overcome and do what is right.

I will pray for you. But until you get REAL help and begin to transform your mind in Christ, I'd suggest you not only stay away from this girl--but all children. If satan can tempt you with children, then flee, and run from them. There is nothing evil in and of itself in children, but if Satan can use this to tempt you, the flee temptation. God will give you strength to overcome. So, get that help you need! And please, go to someone you KNOW you can trust. Pray. pray. pray. Fast. Read your bible. Can you talk to your parents about this?

I will be praying for you.



solo_soprano22 -> RE: age differences (9/8/2008 10:35:54 AM)

Light, I think some have read things in this thread that no one has said. You know your intentions in your heart; don't let someone call you a pedophile. That's a heafty accusation to make. Seriously. People need to read what's there and not let their minds take off with things. This is one reason why people sometimes don't like these forums; people put words in your mouth and all kinds of things.



LightYagami777 -> RE: age differences (9/8/2008 11:13:18 AM)

These people are entitled to their opinions,they have some good things to say.and yes,I do know my intentions.Don't worry,God will keep me out of trouble.



sherry1985 -> RE: age differences (9/8/2008 11:19:55 AM)

i think you should wait intill she is older she is only 11 and she needs time to grow up and her father answer would have been diffrent if he knew u was thinking about his daughter when u asked that Q



solo_soprano22 -> RE: age differences (9/8/2008 11:27:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LightYagami777

These people are entitled to their opinions,they have some good things to say.and yes,I do know my intentions.Don't worry,God will keep me out of trouble.


I understand, and yes, everyone is entitled, but I don't think people need to be quick to call someone a pedophile. [8|]



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