RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/29/2008 9:05:33 PM
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nuinchrist
Posts: 46
Joined: 8/27/2008
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I would love to change my email, but it's my work email address. I did create a rule to put mail from him straight to the junk email folder. That folder doesn't alert me or go to my blackberry. Now, the number is another story, its a company phone and I'm not sure if it costs to block numbers. I did erase his contact numbers, so I won't easily dial them. I do remember them, but I does take some thought to dial. I'm still ok and today makes day two of NC. I'm currently on my way out of town and feeling real good about that. I will update you guys on my progress.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/29/2008 9:37:57 PM
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creationtalk
Posts: 701
Joined: 6/9/2005
Status: offline
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nuinchrist,
I applaud you for taking the step to end the relationship. I understand exactly how it feels to be alone and struggling and the mistakes we can make.
I am torn as to whether or not you should tell the wife. As I mentioned earlier, my husband cheated on me. I did not find out until after the divorce--but it did explain why he was so eager for the divorce. I really wish that I'd know about the cheating before hand, because I let him convince me that it was my fault he was unhappy and that I had failed him somehow, even though I had tried my best...and I was really nice to him in the divorce and let him get away with paying far less child support than I was due. It was after the divorce that I found out about the affair--and a lot of things became clear. The woman in question worked in MY building. Most of my coworkers and his knew about it.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/30/2008 11:26:58 AM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1055
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: online
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If you tell your employer that you unfortunately have a man (not an employee) that is making unwanted advances towards you, and that it is disturbing your work life and your ability to concentrate... they should be more than willing to help you block his number, or change your phone and email address, or block his emails at the company 'firewall' level.
They might reprimand you for having used your work account/number for personal things (if it was supposed to be for business use) and for giving that information to him in the first place, if he couldn't be trusted... but you know that's somewhat true, so the reprimand will not be so bad to sit through.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/30/2008 11:52:34 AM
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howardruns
Posts: 6
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: nuinchrist
He does still come to the house ...
We enjoy dinner together and friendship.
nuinChrist, if you were married, how would you feel if your husband had a secret relationship/friendship with any woman and excluded you from it -- even if he had never had a sexual relationship with her?
Howard
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/31/2008 7:36:29 PM
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Onecontent
Posts: 44
Joined: 4/15/2005
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Nuinchrrist,
Perhaps I misunderstood the context of an earlier post. You mentioned that this guy comes by your house? Does he just drop by?
If he ever drops by again, document that he is on your property. With a phone line open to some one YOU CAN TRUST, yell through the door that you do not wish to see him again.
If he tries a second time AND WILL NOT LEAVE QUICKLY, call the police or have your phone witness call the police and say that the guy is trespassing on your property.
If he dares to try a third time, then find out if you can get a restraining order against him that specifies that he is not to come within 500 feet of your home, church, and job. Keep a copy of the email you sent him and a copy of a memo to your employer requesting that he be blocked and you cell number changed. Bring your phone witness to court with you.
If you can have the order served in such a manner that his wife ned not know about it then do so. If you cannot then tough luck for him. Let him explain it to his wife.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 8/31/2008 9:36:43 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3131
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Onecontent
Nuinchrrist,
Perhaps I misunderstood the context of an earlier post. You mentioned that this guy comes by your house? Does he just drop by?
If he ever drops by again, document that he is on your property. With a phone line open to some one YOU CAN TRUST, yell through the door that you do not wish to see him again.
If he tries a second time AND WILL NOT LEAVE QUICKLY, call the police or have your phone witness call the police and say that the guy is trespassing on your property.
If he dares to try a third time, then find out if you can get a restraining order against him that specifies that he is not to come within 500 feet of your home, church, and job. Keep a copy of the email you sent him and a copy of a memo to your employer requesting that he be blocked and you cell number changed. Bring your phone witness to court with you.
If you can have the order served in such a manner that his wife ned not know about it then do so. If you cannot then tough luck for him. Let him explain it to his wife.
He hastn't stalked her, for heaven's sake.
NuinChrist was agreeable to seeing him all along, but just told him that she down't want to see him any more. He has not made any attempt to see her since then and we don't know that he will. Also, NuinChrist has been OOT since she told him.
Again, it is helpful to read the thread through before you post.
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 9/1/2008 7:15:11 AM
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HannahElizabeth
Posts: 52
Joined: 5/7/2006
Status: offline
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NuinChrist:
I've just finished reading your thread, and I wanted to encourage you in your journey toward wellness, and applaud you for your willingness to follow after Christ instead of this man. He is of a certain "type," like my soon-to-be-ex husband. Throughout our marriage, he always had a supposedly platonic back-up woman, as he couldn't stand the idea of being alone, just in case we didn't work out. You have no idea who else this MM goes to for "conversation," (and who knows what else) at work, at church, wherever. If one woman stops being available, he has another lined up. In my case, my STBX preys on their vulnerabilities, and makes them feel that he alone is equipped to address their issues. Even with all I know about him, and after what he's done to me and our family, I find myself still addicted to his particular brand of "caring" that doesn't recognize me as a whole person.
Like this cad, he would also use other women for emotional support he should have been seeking only from his wife. He'd build these inappropriate relationships, and before the woman knows it, she's pushed aside everything that matters to her to feed his insatiable needs. Even as I say all this, I don't feel my STBX is aware of what he does. He doesn't realize he's trying to fill a God-shaped hole in his life with women, and when they can't do the impossible, casts them aside. Eventually, you will be his cast-off. You are so fortunate to get away while you can, relatively intact, before you inevitably end up back into a physical relationship that makes you feel even sicker inside.
And for the record, I would have appreciated it if someone had informed me of my husband's adultery. If he's out cheating on me, I would like to have known that I needed to get a STD check, because who knows who else he may have been with. I may be recalling incorrectly, but I think I'm the second betrayed spouse in this thread to tell you I would have liked to have known the truth. No offense to the others who have given you great advice on your situation.
I know you don't want to destroy their marriage - but pray about it and see what God would have you do. His timing is perfect. Let Him lead you, if that's what He has for you to do. If you tell, you just might be saving it, forcing him to get the help he needs.
My husband manipulated me into believing I was overly jealous and crazy whenever I would ask questions about his friendships. I saw the signs that it was more, but because he was such a "good" liar, I began to start questioning the inner voice that drove my ability to make good decisions, and sort out truth from fiction. It's damaging when that goes on for years; take it from me. She may already have her antennae up about you, and may appreciate knowing the truth. Since you already know her, it might be worth just calling her up and seeing where the conversation leads....
< Message edited by HannahElizabeth -- 9/1/2008 7:27:38 AM >
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 9/1/2008 8:19:47 AM
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nuinchrist
Posts: 46
Joined: 8/27/2008
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HannaEliz,
You described that man to a tee. The exact same behavior. Sucked me dry for advice and attention. I gave all and he gave crumbs, just to have, like you described, a backup plan. I never wanted to see the bad side of this. I always believed that we added so much value to each other. I'm still out of town and the light bulb is shining so bright. I'm with family and the importance of that has been reveal. I need to lean on family values, GOD's purpose for me and love myself. I believe he took advantage of me. He knew I needed to have somebody give the appearance of "caring" for me and the attention was awesome. He's a professional with great ideas and intelligence. He took advantage of that. I know that now. What a weak coward.
I'm contimplating on moving back home and rely on God to work through me and focus my energy on living an honest and decent life.
KatD,
You are too funny! Thanks for setting the record straight.
AboveAll,
Thanks to you as well.
To all: Thanks for your continued support and I do think about him everyday, but it's day 4 of NC and I'm still alive and I feel stronger than him. I made the decision to end this and have dignity and not hurt innocent people. I do wonder what he's thinking and how he's doing. We use to talk several times a day and I'm realizing how needy I was. But, that energy is focused elsewhere. I no longer want to mismanage my energy. I'm leaving for home today with a smile. Thank God for all that I have and I pray for his guidance and my devine purpose.
Have a blessed day all!
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 9/1/2008 12:45:23 PM
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HannahElizabeth
Posts: 52
Joined: 5/7/2006
Status: offline
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All of that is good to hear, Nu. It sounds like you are doing all the right things to move forward with your life, including surrounding yourself with people who can show you true, authentic love with no strings attached. What has helped me more than anything is allowing Jesus to be the lover of my soul. Only He can fill the emptiness left behind when someone has had such a hold over your life.
It's hard to stop drinking the Kool-Aid, I know. My husband is super intelligent and successful as well - to those who don't know better, a catch. You may have entertained fantasies at times about him leaving his wife for you. That is the last woman on earth you want to be. Once you have become one flesh with a man like this, it's extremely hard to extricate yourself. I find myself pitying the woman my STBX is seeing, because I have already seen evidence of him cheating on her. He's a one-man wrecking crew in the lives of women, and the sad thing is that I don't think he knows it. I think he feels that any woman would be lucky to have him, with all of his empty gifts in making you feel good in the moment to get what he wants. And when it doesn't work out, it's their loss.
Trust me, trust me, trust me: his ultimate goal with all that emotional sharing is to get you to put down your guard enough to become physical with him again. One time I was kidding around with my husband, and saying that if he was going to have women friends, I was going to have male friends. He actually got a little jealous and said to me, in an unguarded moment, "No man is going to expend all that emotional energy for nothing in return." Even though I saw that window into his broken mind, I stayed with him.
Keep running from him, fast as you can, and don't look back. You can spend a lifetime trying to fix what you didn't break in the first place. You are of great worth to God, and you deserve better.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 9/1/2008 2:29:27 PM
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truthrevealed
Posts: 329
Joined: 12/6/2007
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nuin, I must also applaud your decision to leave this man alone. You have no idea how your story can be used by God to encourage others who struggle with making a hard decision(and it may not include adultery at all). But we've all been at a crossroads and many will testify to how difficult it is to break a "soul-tie"...but it can be done.
You'll surely have days where your soul yearns for that fix but when that wave of emotions strike...ride it out! Go thru the mourning, the feelings, the sadness and ride the feelings of guilt, condemnation and disappointment with the truth that in Christ you are a NEW creation. Old things have passed away and ALL things have become new....including the MANY things God can and will do thru you. Despite your past...or maybe because of it..... you can be an inspiration. God will see you thru!
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 9/1/2008 9:25:59 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 201
Joined: 7/6/2008
From: Minnesota
Status: offline
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I'm glad to hear you are growing stronger. I would suggest that every morning you ask God to protect you and build a hedge of protection around you so that you may resist Satan's plans to suck you in again.
Satan will do his best to send that guy around you to make you fall again. Rely on God and Jesus to get you thru it and past it.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 9/2/2008 10:14:50 AM
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ChelaW
Posts: 117
Joined: 7/30/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MC4JC
I'm glad to hear you are growing stronger. I would suggest that every morning you ask God to protect you and build a hedge of protection around you so that you may resist Satan's plans to suck you in again.
Satan will do his best to send that guy around you to make you fall again. Rely on God and Jesus to get you thru it and past it.
Yes, I agree. Ask God for a hedge of protection, Nuin.
And good job for not having contact with him for this long. I know it's been hard!
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 9/2/2008 11:02:25 AM
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nuinchrist
Posts: 46
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline
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Well,
It's Tuesday and back to work. I stupidly got an email in the junk folder and read it. He sent me a chain email about husband/wives asking for permission to do something, like a consent form. He thought I would get a kick out of it. I deleted the email and kept on going. I then decided that I would change the outlook rule to have it delete messages from him, instead of putting it in the junk email folder. I did get scared and my heart started to pound, but I got over the feeling and I didn't respond to the email.
Day 5 of NC and going strong. My house is on the market and I got an offer. God is so good, it's not what I expected ($$), but I might consider it. I must move on and purge the things that are holding me back from my greater purpose.
God help me stay focused.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 9/2/2008 11:10:52 AM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3131
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: nuinchrist
Well,
It's Tuesday and back to work. I stupidly got an email in the junk folder and read it. He sent me a chain email about husband/wives asking for permission to do something, like a consent form. He thought I would get a kick out of it. I deleted the email and kept on going. I then decided that I would change the outlook rule to have it delete messages from him, instead of putting it in the junk email folder. I did get scared and my heart started to pound, but I got over the feeling and I didn't respond to the email.
Day 5 of NC and going strong. My house is on the market and I got an offer. God is so good, it's not what I expected ($$), but I might consider it. I must move on and purge the things that are holding me back from my greater purpose.
God help me stay focused.
I echo that prayer for you. You're doing great...and with God's continued help you will keep it up! He is going to bless you for your obedience, my friend. Way to go! 
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 9/2/2008 12:31:54 PM
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nuinchrist
Posts: 46
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline
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KatD,
How did I allow myself to get in relationships like this. I was so dang weak and happy at the same time. Men must pick this up right away and they don't let up. I must have had vulnerable written on my forehead. I know I'm just as guilty, but they must know when they can take advantage and move in. Just for quick thrills and I was made to believe that I was adding value and vice versa. What really happened was a lot of conversation that I thought he really cared about and a lot of attention to him and forgetting about myself and his family. I'm so angry at myself.
I defintely will feel better in time, but I allowed myself to be used. I made him feel special and treated him like he was my husband. I even stupidly called him Mr. Wonderful. How blinded was I.
Just venting....I'm a little angry at myself.
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 9/3/2008 12:45:27 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3131
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: nuinchrist
KatD,
How did I allow myself to get in relationships like this. I was so dang weak and happy at the same time. Men must pick this up right away and they don't let up. I must have had vulnerable written on my forehead. I know I'm just as guilty, but they must know when they can take advantage and move in. Just for quick thrills and I was made to believe that I was adding value and vice versa. What really happened was a lot of conversation that I thought he really cared about and a lot of attention to him and forgetting about myself and his family. I'm so angry at myself.
I defintely will feel better in time, but I allowed myself to be used. I made him feel special and treated him like he was my husband. I even stupidly called him Mr. Wonderful. How blinded was I.
Just venting....I'm a little angry at myself.
I don't really know, NuinChrist. I do know that I made a lot of bad choices after my divorce (although I didn't know the Lord at that time).
After a failed marriage, women are scared, sometimes very depressed, raw, vulnerable, unsure of themselves, blind to the obvious, and frankly, a little crazy (in my case). It is certainly a time when a sweet-talking man can sweep us off our feet.
This is why we are warned not to enter any type of a romantic relationship until long after a divorce.
I am just grateful that you have seen the light and pray that God will continue to keep you strong and that He will be merciful and gracious to you and your son.
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 9/3/2008 12:58:05 PM
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nuinchrist
Posts: 46
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline
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Kat D,
Thanks for responding. I'm relying on this site so much through this time. His birthday is tomorrow. I'm sure the overwhelming consensus would be that I don't email him happy birthday. Would that give off the wrong signal. I'm torn not to acknowledge his birthday, he wasn't cruel, just misguided and a cheat. Now that I write that, maybe it can be considered as cruel! LOL
Ladies and Gents, yea or ney to a simple "happy birthday" email and nothing else. I will not respond if he emails me back! Promise
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 9/3/2008 1:04:16 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3131
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
Status: offline
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NAY!!!!
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 9/3/2008 1:09:34 PM
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nuinchrist
Posts: 46
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline
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OK! Kat! LOL LOL
I got the message. A big fat Nay!!
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 9/3/2008 1:13:45 PM
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GregandJenny
Posts: 616
Joined: 2/16/2006
From: Near Seattle Washington
Status: online
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^^^ Praying for you today!
_____________________________
It does not have to be well with my circumstance to be well with my soul!
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 9/3/2008 1:19:01 PM
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nuinchrist
Posts: 46
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline
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KatD,
You better have your shoulder available tomorrow. Because I'm going to be a complete wreck, not acknowledging his birthday. All this time I've spent with him, and to not say happy birthday. KatD, I'm going to listen, but if you're missing in action tomorrow I'm going to make a special thread for you called "LOOKING FOR KATD IN THE DAYTIME WITH A FLASH LIGHT" and enlist my fellow posters on the search! LOL LOL
Katd, I'm going to listen to you and pray all the way...........
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RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM - 9/3/2008 1:26:59 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3131
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: nuinchrist
KatD,
You better have your shoulder available tomorrow. Because I'm going to be a complete wreck, not acknowledging his birthday. All this time I've spent with him, and to not say happy birthday. KatD, I'm going to listen, but if you're missing in action tomorrow I'm going to make a special thread for you called "LOOKING FOR KATD IN THE DAYTIME WITH A FLASH LIGHT" and enlist my fellow posters on the search! LOL LOL
Katd, I'm going to listen to you and pray all the way...........
With this in mind, I believe that you not sending him a B-Day greeting will solidify in his mind that you are dead-serious about this break...and that is a good thing.
If I do disappear, I'll be with Jesus, so don't worry about me! 
Keep praying...I'm praying with you, my friend.
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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