Has You Dated Anyone In Spite of Their Family's past and Eventually Married Them? (Full Version)

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gaylel1 -> Has You Dated Anyone In Spite of Their Family's past and Eventually Married Them? (8/22/2008 6:11:03 PM)

I got through reading Greg Lauire's book, "Lost Boy" and one of the chapters dealt with he meeting his wife, Cathe. Greg's past consisted of his mother having affairs with a number of men, living the high life and it resulted of him being born--having him with one of the men she was dating. He went with her from place to place, experiening abuse against his mother.

Cathe met him at a bible study, but she sent a letter to her father about marrying Greg. She said she understood his fears, but she also wrote that Greg is not like "his mother" and she loved him in spite of his past. They have been married and has been ministry partners for 35 years now.


But has anyone who dated someone who had a rough past and has become a christian in spite of the their family's history and ended up married them? The reason why I'm posting this is because there is hope for people in spite of their pasts and even though they are a Christian, this story encouraged me because there are people who can love and the past should not be a roadblock to a future relationship.




coolfamily6 -> RE: Has You Dated Anyone In Spite of Their Family's past and Eventually Married Them? (8/22/2008 9:16:58 PM)

Gayle, I am the one with the rough past. My dh grew up in a wonderful Christian family. Mine on the other hand was full of addiction, divorce and crazyness.

I was saved when I met dh but was not walking the walk. I met dh in a bar; he had strayed from his faith due to his first wife having an affair and divorcing him. The week before we met a friend invited me to her church. I told her that I had prayed that God would reveal to me if I should get married again (short lived 1st marriage) or stay single. I told her that I had committed to find a Christain man or none at all. When I met dh we set a lunch date for the following week. I was not bold enough to ask about his faith. Then we set a dinner date, my friend made me promise that I would ask about his salvation. Unfortunately, my father was killed by a drunk driver and we did not have our date; then he went to visit his parents a few days after I returned from my dad's funeral. He had called to let me know he was thinking about me and left his parents phone number just in case I wanted to talk. We had only had lunch twice at this pt. and talked on the on the phone a few times.

While he was at his parents house my friend told me to call and ask about his salvation. She reasoned that it would be easier to tell him I couldn't see him when he was 100's of miles away. When I called we chatted for a minute with my friend sitting close by. Finally, I said I have an important question to ask you. He ask ok. I said are you a Christian, he said yes, and my mom just asked me the same thing about you not 5 minutes before you called. God's timing is perfect.

We decided during that phone call that when he returned we would find a church and build our relationship with each other but more important our relationship with Christ. We have been married 16 yrs in Dec and members of the church we found 17 yrs this month. We lead a young adult Sunday school class and our faith is so important to us.


BTW, his mother is the BEST mother in-law anyone could ever ask for. All she wanted for her son was a Christain wife, no strings. She did not have an expectation that I would come without baggage and loves me for who I am and for loving her son.



HisCovenant -> RE: Has You Dated Anyone In Spite of Their Family's past and Eventually Married Them? (8/22/2008 10:31:55 PM)

That's very true, Gayle. We should be forgiving and hopeful because God is able to redeem an awful past.

However, lots of people are marrying into horrid relationships and missing a sign of abuse by hoping for change that doesn't ever happen. I think while we need to be hopeful and not hold a past against someone, we shouldn't be naive, either.

I say this from experience. I dated and almost married a young man who was abusive and his family history was a huge sign of his abusive nature. His father was an abuser and he had been brought up to think it was normal. He could have changed, but he didn't. And I thanks God that He opened my eyes before I committed to that man. It was horrible enough just breaking up with the stalking and threats!!



gaylel1 -> RE: Has You Dated Anyone In Spite of Their Family's past and Eventually Married Them? (8/23/2008 1:58:49 AM)

quote:

However, lots of people are marrying into horrid relationships and missing a sign of abuse by hoping for change that doesn't ever happen. I think while we need to be hopeful and not hold a past against someone, we shouldn't be naive, either.


I agree, there are some people who does not break the cycle because of a history of abuse in their familes. But I also agree on the other hand, those who are willing to change, like Greg has can be redeemed by the power of God. Here is this guy who at many times had to fend for himself while his mother went out with many men and seen the abuse by others.

quote:

I say this from experience. I dated and almost married a young man who was abusive and his family history was a huge sign of his abusive nature. His father was an abuser and he had been brought up to think it was normal. He could have changed, but he didn't. And I thanks God that He opened my eyes before I committed to that man. It was horrible enough just breaking up with the stalking and threats!!


Yes, while this in many, many cases, there are also those who are redeemed by the power of God. Yes, people can change, but they have the choice to change and not to live the life their mothers and fathers were accustomed to.



csl7037 -> RE: Has You Dated Anyone In Spite of Their Family's past and Eventually Married Them? (8/23/2008 8:07:07 AM)

My story almost mirror's (in reverse) coolfamily's. Me - quiet picturesque (almost) Christian family, dh practically born in a zoo. Similarly, we met in a bar.

I agree with gayle too, and my dh is redeemed, literally dragged himself out of his circumstances (even before getting saved) and has risen above it to make something of his life. He's a strong, gentle, patient, godly husband and father - more than I deserve. So a miserable, abusive, addictive, godless upbringing does not at all have to dictate the rest of a person's life. BUT, a word of caution, I've still got a three ring circus for in-laws. It can be pretty stressful. They're a drain, sometimes a source of contention, and quite often just make both of us crazy.

You don't want to discount someone based on their family history. I know dh's history worried my mother. We really might as well been from two different planets - but he was trying hard to become human! Sometimes it just makes a person stronger. But it's certainly something anyone is wise to consider before marriage. You'd be foolish not to carefully and prayerfully weigh the ramifications and affect it can have on your own life and the marriage.



deermousie -> RE: Has You Dated Anyone In Spite of Their Family's past and Eventually Married Them? (8/23/2008 10:34:32 AM)

I was the one whose parents who should have been in prison for what they did to their kids, and my husband married me inspite of it (his parents liked rich and well-connected people. Bless them, they accepted me with open arms anyway).

Part of what I can see is that I swore as a youngster that the abuse in my family would end with me. What I "see" now is that God's hand was in my life, leading me to to reject the hurts rather than make myself "feel better" by repeating the hurts on my helpless child.

quote:

ORIGINAL: gaylel1
I agree, there are some people who does not break the cycle because of a history of abuse in their familes. But I also agree on the other hand, those who are willing to change, like Greg has can be redeemed by the power of God.


I'm guessing the desire to change is God-given. We're so helpless in our sins and destructiveness, and God changes us. Good thing, huh.

I am still somewhat of an emotional cripple; it gets better and healthier every year, but I don't expect to be really healthy until I'm in glory. But I have a kid who is not crippled, and that means everything to me. Praise God for His faithfulness and mercy!

I have a brother who is a childless sociopath, prone to violence and theft. He totally rejected God from an early age. When my mom was alive, she used to wonder why my brother and I were so different.

DH and I have been married 20 years. It hasn't been easy, because he's had to deal with the fallout of being married to a woman who suffered severe abuse. But we love each other, are devoted to each other, our kid, and our walks with God. DH's kind words to me have allowed me to heal and grow.

May God get the glory for how He has changed and grown up broken lives!

Oh, and we met on the phone. His roommate did high school ministry with me at our church.



gaylel1 -> RE: Has You Dated Anyone In Spite of Their Family's past and Eventually Married Them? (8/23/2008 8:41:04 PM)

Speaking of sociopaths,

Here is another pastor, Raul Ries who had anger issues with his family and his wife as a result of him being in Viet Nam.

Raul got himself a weapon and almost killed himself because his wife did not want to take the abuse anymore, but low and behold, he hears a message from Chuck Smith which changed him, his marriage and now he's pastoring a church --one of the bigger ones in So Cal. And his marriage was brought back together too.

You may have watched his story...

But that is the exception here. Some people change and when they see the violence all around them, they are not the people that they are.

Disclaimer*** I'm against domestic violence and yes, if you are dating people that are violent, yes, by all means, leave the relationship, and I would not advocate marrying someone of a violent nature. But these are stories which are examples of how God works in a person's life.





HisCovenant -> RE: Has You Dated Anyone In Spite of Their Family's past and Eventually Married Them? (8/23/2008 9:26:16 PM)

These stories of God changing people are so encouraging to me. When I posted originally, I just wanted to offer the balance warning because we have such a hard time chosing our spouse. Quite often we choose foolishly or sinfully when there were warning signs that we were setting ourselves up for divorce. I didn't want to take the hopefulness out of the thread.



coinpurse -> RE: Has You Dated Anyone In Spite of Their Family's past and Eventually Married Them? (8/23/2008 11:19:48 PM)

I googled Raul Ries and found his testimony on youtube...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ha_tSzPvcds

quote:

ORIGINAL: gaylel1

Speaking of sociopaths,

Here is another pastor, Raul Ries who had anger issues with his family and his wife as a result of him being in Viet Nam.

Raul got himself a weapon and almost killed himself because his wife did not want to take the abuse anymore, but low and behold, he hears a message from Chuck Smith which changed him, his marriage and now he's pastoring a church --one of the bigger ones in So Cal. And his marriage was brought back together too.

You may have watched his story...

But that is the exception here. Some people change and when they see the violence all around them, they are not the people that they are.

Disclaimer*** I'm against domestic violence and yes, if you are dating people that are violent, yes, by all means, leave the relationship, and I would not advocate marrying someone of a violent nature. But these are stories which are examples of how God works in a person's life.






gaylel1 -> RE: Has You Dated Anyone In Spite of Their Family's past and Eventually Married Them? (8/24/2008 1:41:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisCovenant

These stories of God changing people are so encouraging to me. When I posted originally, I just wanted to offer the balance warning because we have such a hard time chosing our spouse. Quite often we choose foolishly or sinfully when there were warning signs that we were setting ourselves up for divorce. I didn't want to take the hopefulness out of the thread.



Aww, its ok....[:D]..and you're right about the balance warning because there are some who do choose before the warning signs of a relationship and yes, they eventually marry and find out before it is too late. There are people, especially us women who do date these sort of people--and that's the other side of the coin.

The two exceptions that I mentioned, God did a work in both of them, healing their past and having healthy relationships with their wives and families. There are others also. God can also do the work on others too, but they have to be willing to acknowlege that they have sin and they need to ask the Lord for help.



csl7037 -> RE: Has You Dated Anyone In Spite of Their Family's past and Eventually Married Them? (8/24/2008 8:13:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisCovenant

These stories of God changing people are so encouraging to me. When I posted originally, I just wanted to offer the balance warning because we have such a hard time chosing our spouse. Quite often we choose foolishly or sinfully when there were warning signs that we were setting ourselves up for divorce. I didn't want to take the hopefulness out of the thread.


It's important to try to be soberminded about such a momentous decision, for sure. But it doesn't always work like that when you're in love. I said my dh had pulled his life out of the emotional and spiritual muck his family has been stuck in for generations. But there was absolutely nothing logical or wise or soberminded about me geting involved with this person! There certainly wasn't any warnings of abuse or anything of the sort when we were dating - unless you were to factor in the statistical likelihood of that being continued from generation to generation. But, on paper, from the minute we met in a bar, there was nothing that would've hinted at "happily ever after" with dh and I. We are from two different worlds, mindsets, and temperments and, frankly, I could not have been thinking clearly when I look back at it! If I had any sense at all I probably wouldn't have dated him much less married him - luckily I apparently didn't have any sense at all!



LivingParadox -> RE: Has You Dated Anyone In Spite of Their Family's past and Eventually Married Them? (8/24/2008 10:53:47 AM)

You mean there are actually families out there that are perfect? I have no chance -- I may as well as write myself off to my roots right now. *Jokingly, somewhat*

It's a well-known fact that alcoholism runs in families, as mental illness, obesity, diabetes and a bevy of other situations. These are dysfuntional situations and I'm sure there are many, if not, most in life, if not on this board that has family histories less than spotless. My family has lots of flaws as I do but I guarentee they also are loyal, love each other and are in the long haul together. Funny thing, is growing up in a less than ideal situation, I yearned for "normalcy" and married a guy that "appeared" to be very normal -- his family turned out to mean, disenfanchised from other family members, driven by greed, cold, and gave a very conditional "love". My fault for not finding these things out before I married him but from appearances they had it together. My family not so much. My mom was mentally ill from the time I was a young kid until she passed away -- even in her sickness she loved Jesus ...my Dad, who certainly has his flaws could have cut and run years ago but was with my mom over 35 years, in very trying times simply because he loved her. Funny thing is I'd take my family in a heartbeat looking back.

I think you have to look at character not so much family history in making a decision. You'll miss out on some really special people if you constantly try to find a reason someone isn't good enough instead of what's good about them. I am much more impressed with someone who comes from a rough back ground and gets better from it than someone given every benefit and at best are mediocre.



gaylel1 -> RE: Has You Dated Anyone In Spite of Their Family's past and Eventually Married Them? (8/24/2008 12:23:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LivingParadox

You mean there are actually families out there that are perfect? I have no chance -- I may as well as write myself off to my roots right now. *Jokingly, somewhat*

It's a well-known fact that alcoholism runs in families, as mental illness, obesity, diabetes and a bevy of other situations. These are dysfuntional situations and I'm sure there are many, if not, most in life, if not on this board that has family histories less than spotless. My family has lots of flaws as I do but I guarentee they also are loyal, love each other and are in the long haul together. Funny thing, is growing up in a less than ideal situation, I yearned for "normalcy" and married a guy that "appeared" to be very normal -- his family turned out to mean, disenfanchised from other family members, driven by greed, cold, and gave a very conditional "love". My fault for not finding these things out before I married him but from appearances they had it together. My family not so much. My mom was mentally ill from the time I was a young kid until she passed away -- even in her sickness she loved Jesus ...my Dad, who certainly has his flaws could have cut and run years ago but was with my mom over 35 years, in very trying times simply because he loved her. Funny thing is I'd take my family in a heartbeat looking back.

I think you have to look at character not so much family history in making a decision. You'll miss out on some really special people if you constantly try to find a reason someone isn't good enough instead of what's good about them. I am much more impressed with someone who comes from a rough back ground and gets better from it than someone given every benefit and at best are mediocre.



This is what I'm talking about. Every family apprently have "skeltons" in their closet or situations. There is no such thing as a "perfect family", ladies and gentleman.

I agree that you have to look at a person's charater before you make a desicion. Cathe looked at Greg's charater before she decided to marry him. She had to convince her parents because her dad was an oil executive and she had to send a letter to convince him that he was not like his mother, who ran around chasing men. Yes, Greg did things in his life he never was proud of, but once he accepted the Lord, the changes little by little came upon him.

I mean, 35 years is a long time(being married) and who knows that this person who had a bad upbringing is pastoring a church and has a nationally-known ministry, writing books and influencing the next generation to follow Jesus?

He allowed the holy spirit to change him, because too often we try to change people and allow them what we want them to be instead of allowing God to do the changes. I learned that from my late husband long ago.



hnt -> RE: Has You Dated Anyone In Spite of Their Family's past and Eventually Married Them? (8/24/2008 1:50:12 PM)

quote:

He allowed the holy spirit to change him, because too often we try to change people and allow them what we want them to be instead of allowing God to do the changes. I learned that from my late husband long ago.


If you have someone that recognizes things as they are, and you can see them actively doing things to make sure they DON'T fall into the cycle...that might be a relationship worth looking into! [;)]

There was another thread recently I saw on this board about why do ladies marry jerks. I have to say I was appalled at some of the responses. It would be nice if life was that simplistic, because the cycle would be easier to deal with! [:D]

I love my folks to death okay? I was also in denial for a long time as to the true toxic nature of my upbringing. It didn't seem as bad as others I had seen, and the reminder of me not having the snot kicked out of me on regular basis and being fed, etc was pushed to the hilt. I lived in fear, insecurity and honestly didn't know what feeling safe was. I thought it was unrealistic, and maybe something you could find in a romance novel but it wasn't life! It was my reality, and it was all I knew. I think others knew, but they left it alone. Others that I reached out to mininized it, and told me I was making a mountain out of a molehill! I think they figured I would figure it out or something I guess. I was shown how to play the game, and was encouraged to keep silent with reasons as a child made sense. It truly molded me.

It wasn't til I was older and got into counseling did I realize the difference. People did feel safe in their homes, and YES there was people that truly wish to encourage you. I first rejected the idea, and was mad that the counselor would say such things. Then I was mad at my folks. They I was mad at my life! [:D] I didn't wish to stay angry, and I worked on acceptance instead. I have now accepted what happened, and now strive to make differences as I continue to grow. The growth hurt but it was needed. Some people don't wish to grow past the hurt, and wish to stay in denial and NOT work on any aspect. They ignore the impact it had on their lifes. Coming up for air wasn't an easy journey, and it hurt like a bugger!

If your special someone has the strength and endurance to go down that path - it could be a healthy relationship. If they don't - it will be a rocky ride the whole journey. I think it depends on the character of the person, and the willingness to face the evil of the past in a healthy way. To recognize its their journey, and you maybe with them on that path...but THEY are the ones that must do MOST of the work!



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