Would You Trust Again? (Full Version)

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coleenliz -> Would You Trust Again? (8/22/2008 4:52:37 PM)

This post is to get some Christian perspective and also to help others in their discussion regarding "emotional cheating". I gave my boyfriend a 3rd chance on not cheating on me by being on online dating sites, contacting his exes, etc. It has been very hard to forgive and I don't think I can forget. God does say in the bible to "guard our hearts above all things"...I am being very cautious now that I am aware of this character fault. This is the last attempt at giving our relationship another try. I guess I am waiting for the last brick to fall...can people really change?...he is Christian too.



shadowspring -> RE: Would You Trust Again? (8/22/2008 5:16:41 PM)

People can change but often only do so when it is a painful necessity.

I may be in a minority opinion here, but I do not think you should trust your boyfriend again. As long as he can cheat on you emotionally and still keep you, he won't change fundamentally.

It takes a S.E.E. (Significant Emotional Experience) to motivate people to make serious changes in the way they think and live.

As long as he can have your heart and flirt around too, he will. Your giving him "another chance" has already reinforced that he can flirt and you will maybe get mad, but ultimately accept it. After all, this will be the second time you said you would accept it from him.

No more do-overs. I know it hurts as you have invested your heart in this relationship, but since this is the second time you have had to forgive him, I say it is time for you to move on. [:(]



1HeavenlyAngel -> RE: Would You Trust Again? (8/22/2008 5:19:25 PM)

Hello,

I read your post and believe it or not I'm in the same situation you are in. It is totally hard to trust again, but I'm trying very hard. I was also married for 10 years and he cheated on me. I made promises to myself that I would not go through that experience ever again with any man, but here it is again. My bf said it was only conversation, but in my book when you are involved with someone whether it be dating or married, you are completely committed to that person and that person alone. The majority of my friends are male, and I make sure any guy I become involved with is aware of that, so there is no problem. Chatting online is a form of cheating, you chat to meet people. If you are involved and you are chatting, in my book you are obviously not happy with the person you are with. We try to live our lives as Godly as possible, and live according to His words. It's amazing how many people cheat today. I have given my bf 2 chances, I know there will not be a thrid, I want to recieve what I give in a relationship, I don't cheat, therefore, I want to be with someone who doesn't cheat. God is the only way I survive this and everything else in life. My advice to you is to pray (as I do) and ask God to show you the right thing to do and try to focus on something else. Different things work for different people, I try to see my relationship as just a friendship, so if my bf cheats again, it won't hurt as bad. I have to protect my heart the best way I know how and keep my focus on God.



coleenliz -> RE: Would You Trust Again? (8/22/2008 6:08:14 PM)

Thank you so much for your reply and insight. My first husband was a "sex addict", so I am very familiar with the behaviors, which is why I think I found out so fast, about a month after my BF and I were going out.

I did give my boyfriend a final ultimatum and have already prepared myself to end the relationship if I see any evidence of this again. He will only be hurting himself. I know what God wants for me. I will pray for you and your situation as well.
Take care and God Bless



MWD -> RE: Would You Trust Again? (8/22/2008 6:36:42 PM)

I have a "one-strike-you're-out" policy. At my age (older than most of you all) there is just no reason for a woman not to have her act together.

This doesn't mean I won't forgive her. I just have better things to do with my time, plus I know there are other women out there who will value my company enough not even to consider abusing it.

Horses will tend to run out the slack in the rope you give them, and so will most people, unfortunately. A third chance is some pretty serious slack. Therefore I wouldn't expect much, unless the last time you caught him you put him on (figuratively) death watch and when you had the discussion you were able to see the blood draining out of his face.

The bright side is that you're not married to him. Remember that dating is not just for fun but also to get daily reminders of what it'll be like once you're welded to the person for life, with no way out. (I was going to say, "Unless you're in it just for fun," but that would be crazy, 'cause why put up with it even if you're not in it for the long term? There are guys out there who won't cheat.)



ames01 -> RE: Would You Trust Again? (8/22/2008 7:05:00 PM)

Honestly, after having been there and done that and having a broken heart to show for it, I can say that I wish I hadn't been so quick to trust again. As Christian women I know the tendency is for us to want to forgive* and give another chance, but shadowspring is right. People tend not to change unless they absolutely have to. Unfortunately sometimes we learn that the hard way. [:(] My advice would be to break it off and wait for the one who will treat you like the great catch you are. Or at least, put this relationship on hold for a while until he can prove that he has changed and is worthy of your trust.



*Just to clarify, I'm not saying that we should't forgive those who hurt us (we definitely should). Just pointing out that we sometimes are a little too quick to forget the wrong done to us and give another chance without the person making any changes to his/her behavior.



MC4JC -> RE: Would You Trust Again? (8/22/2008 9:50:06 PM)

Since he's a boyfriend, you really don't have to stay in the relationship. I'd cut him loose and find someone that is focused on God and you - and doesn't need an outside 3rd party to be happy/satistifed.

Be glad you are not married to him - you'd be in a tougher situation.



deermousie -> RE: Would You Trust Again? (8/22/2008 10:08:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shadowspring
I may be in a minority opinion here, but I do not think you should trust your boyfriend again. As long as he can cheat on you emotionally and still keep you, he won't change fundamentally.


Shadowspring - I think you hit the nail on the head.

MWD said:
quote:

I have a "one-strike-you're-out" policy.


and I think this is wise. There are moral people who won't cheat under any circumstances, and immoral people who will cheat over and over. That's pretty black and white, but I think it's true. If we know monkeys eat bananas, why would we be surprised when the monkey eats another one. It's likely going to keep happening. The guy is the kind who can be unfaithful, and now you have his number.

You didn't say, Coleenliz, if he asked for forgiveness, but I'm guessing he didn't. The way a Christian handles sin is they recognize it, call it sin to themselves, God and the person they sinned against, ask for forgiveness, and turn away from the sin and don't repeat it. Your guy is blowing it and not fixing it. Translation to me: he doesn't care that he cheats and will continue to cheat.

I like MWD's slack rope on the horse analogy as it rings true. If this guy can flirt and you come back, then he has the "bests of both worlds" and has no reason to be faithful. Thank God (literally) that you found out about this now and not after you'd married him.

He's counting on you taking him back. Take a deep breath and tell him you aren't interested in guys who aren't capable of being faithful. Tell him the relationship is over. Turn around and walk away, and don't let him talk you out of it (even with tears. He's already proven you aren't special to him, and now he has an ego to protect).

Make a list of non-negotiables and stick it on your frig:
-has to be a solid Christian
-has to be moral

You finish the list. What's important to you? What won't you live with? Then date guys (or better still, court them!) who don't violate the list.

Want to really protect yourself and get a good man? Get your pastor or dad involved. Make the guy ask them before they can date you - the jerks will run for the hills if they have no honorable intentions.

If bf wants you back and promises to be good, tell him you want to see 1-5 years of pristine morals in his behavior, and under the mentorship of some mature Christian guy who will later give you a thumbs up or down. Don't let this guy lie to you anymore. Don't accept immoral guys into your life anymore.

I find if you make the standards high, the creeps will cull themselves and I don't have to tell them no. They're already gone. Hardcore? You bet! But if you want the best, then make your standards the best and accept nothing less. You only need one good guy to get married, right?

God bless you, dear one. I'm sorry this one guy past your defenses. You deserve better.



creationtalk -> RE: Would You Trust Again? (8/23/2008 8:00:11 AM)

coleenliz,

I have been in your shoes...only he not only cheated emotionally but physically...but I still took him back and forgave him and chose to trust him. He always told me that it wasn't cheating because he hadn't made a commitment to me...then we got married. 3 mos after the wedding he cheated again. This time his excuse was that I didn't make him feel loved. Divorce followed...and then he wanted to come back...he told me he'd changed...but when I'd say "show me" he would do what he'd always done... I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how it hurts. If he will cheat on you when you are dating, he will cheat when you are married (likely anyway).


I think back in the Bible to the story of Samson and Delilah...he KNEW she was betraying him, but he stayed with her and finally trusted her with his deepest secret...and she betrayed him to his destruction. God made me see that my continuing to stay with someone who cared so little for me that he would continue to betray me was just like Samson. Don't be a Samson.



sudden -> RE: Would You Trust Again? (8/23/2008 9:26:25 AM)

Dear Colleen:

Of course, people can change! This is evident in many folks I know who have become Christians. We all change a little, from year to year. It is a very slow process and if we wish to change we must be vigilant in being conscious of what we are doing. So of course your boyfriend could change.

That said, there are many men who would not "cheat" as you put it. Why don't you look for one of these? This fellow has already caused you grief. Why put up with it when you are not tied to him? You are worthy of better treatment than that! Go find a man who will try to love you as Jesus does.

Would I trust such a man again? No, I'd kick him to the curb.

Yours for not wasting time on bad boys,

Sudden



ebony101 -> RE: Would You Trust Again? (8/25/2008 3:13:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL ames01
People tend not to change unless they absolutely have to. Unfortunately sometimes we learn that the hard way. My advice would be to break it off and wait for the one who will treat you like the great catch you are. Or at least, put this relationship on hold for a while until he can prove that he has changed and is worthy of your trust.



I have to agree with ames01 People don't change unless they absolutely have to. Other crosswalkers have said the same thing in different ways. I think that cheating tends to be ingrained into one's character - it's not always a once in a lifetime thing. It's not something that one is going to change especially if you give them a lot of leeway - this is the 3rd time that you're giving him a chance. He just may try a lot harder to pull the wool over your eyes again & this time he may succeed.

My advice is to forgive him, but don't get into a relationship with him.

Like many other posters, I offer this advice based on prior experience.



Brandy -> RE: Would You Trust Again? (8/25/2008 5:45:50 PM)

Will he really change or just hide it better?

He's a boyfriend, move on.

You have a past with your ex, please make sure you don't repeat same pattern of behavior.

I definitely think this is an area for a one strike policy.



allisonbrett -> RE: Would You Trust Again? (8/26/2008 4:13:56 PM)

Something my mother always told me, "Never date someone you wouldn't marry!" No one (emotionally stable and mentally clear) would choose to marry someone who has a history of cheating. Since you are not married to him then let this one go. I believe people can change but he has to want it. There has to be some major conviction. If this is a pattern then it seems that he may only be sorry when he's caught and that's all.

Another saying is "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."

Time to let this one get away. Hold your standards high and never compromise. People only treat you the way you allow them too.



coinpurse -> RE: Would You Trust Again? (8/28/2008 1:16:37 AM)

I like this statement:

"When a person shows you who they are, believe them THE FIRST TIME" -Maya Angelou...

I think a husband deserves one more chance, a boyfriend, NONE.


*my post might get deleted since my quote is not from the bible! heres one for ya' Psalm 118-8-9. It works for every situation and is always relevant!



blessed27 -> RE: Would You Trust Again? (8/31/2008 3:15:58 AM)

I agree with coinpurse- We should give a husband a second chance but boyfriends should not get a second chance. Find someone new and find someone who is also a Christian. Allisonbrett's mom was wise when she said "never date someone you wouldn't marry. It is difficult enough to make a go of it when married but at least you are not obligated to him with marriage vows. In the Bible we are urged to not be yoked to a non-believer. It means not to be married to one. It also warns us that when one is a believer and the other is not there will be much strife in the family. I have been there and it was no fun for me but worse for the kids.



blessed27 -> RE: Would You Trust Again? (8/31/2008 3:21:06 AM)

I am sorry. I read too fast and trying to hurry- went back and saw where you said he was a Christian. If I were you I would give him some scriptures to read that point out the kind of relationship God wants for people who are married. To me if two are betrothed they should respect the principles marriage according to the Bible and live by them. Maybe he needs more Bible study on these things. It might help. Blessings..



Wild-Rose -> RE: Would You Trust Again? (8/31/2008 9:29:50 AM)

quote:

my post might get deleted since my quote is not from the bible!


oh no, I don't think so, our moderators are reasonable people!

I vote with the crowd who says "Move on". Can you imagine being married to him? You found out early what kind of person he is! Thank God!



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