divorced parent making child feel guilty (Full Version)

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photofilly -> divorced parent making child feel guilty (8/21/2008 3:50:33 PM)

I am the step mother of a 12 year old girl. Her mother divorced my husband when she was five. She cheated repeatedly among other things and ultimately was the one to leave, also leaving DD with my now husband. They have 50/50 custody with no child support and we basicly have her week on/week off. Both parties have been remarried for about the same amount of time (2-3 years). We run a christian home with rules and responsibilites; they run a home of no rules, nor responsibilities and play church when it's convenient, but have a total different moral code. Lately we have a problem that is just getting worse. Dd's mother is makeing her feel guilty about wanting to be with us. She fills her head with things like...."why don't you want to be with me anymore?"...."why do you hate me?"........."why don't you love me anymore?" The thing is, DD really sees her mother more than us. Her mother does not work, DH and I both do, so we let her mother pick her up from school and spend lots of her summer days with her untill we get off work. DH and I never bad mouth her mother or argue with her in front of her, yet DD cry's at her mothers because they do just that constantly at her house. When diagreements happen, we do let DD know what our opinion is and why and always back it up with biblical reason. We want her to respect her mothers as her mother, but how far is too far? When does this become emotional abuse. On top of it all she is preasured by her mother to be popular at school, to be a cheerleader, and have all the right things and friends. Even down to not buying her school supplies at wal-mart because that wasn't 'good enough'. What is a step mom to do?



coconut_princess -> RE: divorced parent making child feel guilty (8/21/2008 8:38:48 PM)

I am in a similar situation with my children living with me and then visiting their dad (non-Christian). We have two very different households and very different views of upbringing. How I handled the bad mouthing was by continually reassuring them of my love and never putting their father down ever. When they said, "my dad said this or that about you" all I would say is, "I'm sorry you had to hear that".

Kids are smart enough to know that when one parent is bad mouthing the other and then they see the other parent and that parent is not doing the things the other parent said, that it doesn't make sense to them.

Keep raising her in the Lord; she will not forget it. Keep showing her how the material things of this world mean nothing by backing up all that you say with the Bible. Keep teaching her and leading her and mostly keep reassuring her and building her self-esteem. Just pour out love on her so that she knows no matter what her mom says, she is a loved child of the Lord and a loved and valued child of your hubby and you.

Another thing is you and your hubby could write little notes for her with loving things on them, like, "you are special to us", "you have a wonderful laugh", "you are so good at ...." and put them somewhere for her like in a little box that she can take to mom's house and when the arguing is happening and she is being put down, she can read those loving notes privately and feel loved by you even if you're not there. Also let her know she can call you and hubby anytime she needs to.

I just make sure that when my children are with me, they are getting the best upbringing they could ever have and then I leave the rest to God.

quote:

ORIGINAL: photofilly

I am the step mother of a 12 year old girl. Her mother divorced my husband when she was five. She cheated repeatedly among other things and ultimately was the one to leave, also leaving DD with my now husband. They have 50/50 custody with no child support and we basicly have her week on/week off. Both parties have been remarried for about the same amount of time (2-3 years). We run a christian home with rules and responsibilites; they run a home of no rules, nor responsibilities and play church when it's convenient, but have a total different moral code. Lately we have a problem that is just getting worse. Dd's mother is makeing her feel guilty about wanting to be with us. She fills her head with things like...."why don't you want to be with me anymore?"...."why do you hate me?"........."why don't you love me anymore?" The thing is, DD really sees her mother more than us. Her mother does not work, DH and I both do, so we let her mother pick her up from school and spend lots of her summer days with her untill we get off work. DH and I never bad mouth her mother or argue with her in front of her, yet DD cry's at her mothers because they do just that constantly at her house. When diagreements happen, we do let DD know what our opinion is and why and always back it up with biblical reason. We want her to respect her mothers as her mother, but how far is too far? When does this become emotional abuse. On top of it all she is preasured by her mother to be popular at school, to be a cheerleader, and have all the right things and friends. Even down to not buying her school supplies at wal-mart because that wasn't 'good enough'. What is a step mom to do?



photofilly -> RE: divorced parent making child feel guilty (8/22/2008 5:57:17 PM)

Thanks so much for the above post. I love the idea about the notes.....DD would love something like that! Thank you for the encouragement!



coconut_princess -> RE: divorced parent making child feel guilty (8/22/2008 8:24:58 PM)

You are so welcome! God bless you!

quote:

ORIGINAL: photofilly

Thanks so much for the above post. I love the idea about the notes.....DD would love something like that! Thank you for the encouragement!



pbaribeault -> RE: divorced parent making child feel guilty (8/22/2008 11:30:11 PM)

I'm not sure about the age of the child, and I don't have a lot of experience with shared custody families... but I had an idea that might be of some good...

Do you think she might respond to the idea of "taking her character with her" -- something like, at your house she follows 'rules' but not just because they are rules, but because, in at least some areas, she understands what you are trying to get at and agrees with the principle (even if she doesn't like always complying).

If she is old enough to begin thinking this way, that (for example) you want her to be humble, and you talk about it and she agrees that humility is a good thing. So you have some rules about how she should behave in a humble way. But, beyond that, perhaps she can internalize that ethic/character/identity element, and "take it with her" -- continuing to follow your 'rules' because she wants to be someone you both & she can be proud of, even at her other home (or at school, activities, camp etc.).

This would lend her a sense of self security, firmness (even superiority) in the chaotic environment of her other home. It might help her to find a sense of good-ness that is not attackable by her mother's cruel questions. It might also allow your values to influence her choices at a greater range.

You might also consider going beyond discussion / expression of feelings to role-play and scripting as tools & preparation for difficult situations. (As in, What might she say? What might you say? Does that sound good? How about something like... OK try to remember that. Now pretend I'm her... What if she responds with something like...)



MrsTracy72 -> RE: divorced parent making child feel guilty (8/23/2008 3:47:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: coconut_princess

Kids are smart enough to know that when one parent is bad mouthing the other and then they see the other parent and that parent is not doing the things the other parent said, that it doesn't make sense to them.




I have a sort of similar situatin, although it seems to be my ex husband's wife who does this. My son is older now and seeing things for himself, but we just kind of have to let it go because it isn't going to stop and we know we can't change things over there. The few times I have brought it up to my ex husband and told him word for word what my son told me, he gave me one of the usual answers. Either, my son was mistaken. (most popular) or he can't help how my son intreprets things that are said. Or "I don't see why he feels he has to tell you what goes on in this house anyway" To which my answer is almost always "because he kind of feels bad and also says he feels like he can't come to you with it" And then there is my absolute favorite response which is "you just don't like my wife and are trying to start something" Ok, I am using my son's words which he told me I could do because he is fed up with it, and my ex doesn't deny that the things are said to him. But I am the one trying to start trouble.

While we try our hardest not to talk them down. I can't honestly say we never do because I believe in never say never. But we do our best and when we do have to explain things, we ask him how he feels, and we let him know how we feel, and then direct him right back to his dad and tell him that he needs to talk to his dad about these things.

It took 11 years to get to the point where he started to see it, but once he saw it, it was there. He even witnessed his step mom following me around on these forums and somehow a website on parental ailenation ended up in his search engine as a current search. My jaw dropped when he asked me what that was.

It is hard not to react, but you just need to live your lives as you do and teach by example. Be supportive of her and let her know that she has NOTHING to feel guilty about. She has two parents who love her and want to be with her very much and if one feels it necessary to make her feel bad for wanting to be with the other one, then she needs to talk to that parent and let that parent know how it makes her feel. She is old enough to do that.

I would also suggest counseling for her. These are tough years and are only going to get tougher. Sometimes it is easier for them to open up to a therapist who can give them objective advice and coping mechanisims. We did that for my son and while there were other reasons, his confidence level seems to be rising along with his grades and ability to handle things.



cynthia -> RE: divorced parent making child feel guilty (8/23/2008 5:08:28 PM)

I would also recommend counseling. She needs another voice that is reinforcing what you are telling her. It may help her feel less torn between two worlds.



coconut_princess -> RE: divorced parent making child feel guilty (8/23/2008 7:21:55 PM)

My goodness I can so relate to you and your ex situation. I also hear the famous excuses from my ex. It hasn't been too bad lately, we have been getting along pretty well, but it use to be awful.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrsTracy72

quote:

ORIGINAL: coconut_princess

Kids are smart enough to know that when one parent is bad mouthing the other and then they see the other parent and that parent is not doing the things the other parent said, that it doesn't make sense to them.




I have a sort of similar situatin, although it seems to be my ex husband's wife who does this. My son is older now and seeing things for himself, but we just kind of have to let it go because it isn't going to stop and we know we can't change things over there. The few times I have brought it up to my ex husband and told him word for word what my son told me, he gave me one of the usual answers. Either, my son was mistaken. (most popular) or he can't help how my son intreprets things that are said. Or "I don't see why he feels he has to tell you what goes on in this house anyway" To which my answer is almost always "because he kind of feels bad and also says he feels like he can't come to you with it" And then there is my absolute favorite response which is "you just don't like my wife and are trying to start something" Ok, I am using my son's words which he told me I could do because he is fed up with it, and my ex doesn't deny that the things are said to him. But I am the one trying to start trouble.

While we try our hardest not to talk them down. I can't honestly say we never do because I believe in never say never. But we do our best and when we do have to explain things, we ask him how he feels, and we let him know how we feel, and then direct him right back to his dad and tell him that he needs to talk to his dad about these things.

It took 11 years to get to the point where he started to see it, but once he saw it, it was there. He even witnessed his step mom following me around on these forums and somehow a website on parental ailenation ended up in his search engine as a current search. My jaw dropped when he asked me what that was.

It is hard not to react, but you just need to live your lives as you do and teach by example. Be supportive of her and let her know that she has NOTHING to feel guilty about. She has two parents who love her and want to be with her very much and if one feels it necessary to make her feel bad for wanting to be with the other one, then she needs to talk to that parent and let that parent know how it makes her feel. She is old enough to do that.

I would also suggest counseling for her. These are tough years and are only going to get tougher. Sometimes it is easier for them to open up to a therapist who can give them objective advice and coping mechanisims. We did that for my son and while there were other reasons, his confidence level seems to be rising along with his grades and ability to handle things.



hnt -> RE: divorced parent making child feel guilty (8/24/2008 12:33:53 PM)

quote:

Lately we have a problem that is just getting worse. Dd's mother is makeing her feel guilty about wanting to be with us. She fills her head with things like...."why don't you want to be with me anymore?"...."why do you hate me?"........."why don't you love me anymore?" The thing is, DD really sees her mother more than us. Her mother does not work, DH and I both do, so we let her mother pick her up from school and spend lots of her summer days with her untill we get off work. DH and I never bad mouth her mother or argue with her in front of her, yet DD cry's at her mothers because they do just that constantly at her house. When diagreements happen, we do let DD know what our opinion is and why and always back it up with biblical reason. We want her to respect her mothers as her mother, but how far is too far? When does this become emotional abuse. On top of it all she is preasured by her mother to be popular at school, to be a cheerleader, and have all the right things and friends. Even down to not buying her school supplies at wal-mart because that wasn't 'good enough'. What is a step mom to do?


Photo: It seems it is already fallen into the realm of emotional abuse.

Why don't you want to be with me anymore?

Why do you hate me?

Why don't you love me?

Children shouldn't be dealing with that, and it can be very damaging!

I don't know if there is a boundaries book for teenagers, but if you have the other one read it yourself and help her apply some of the principals. Also she is going to need a safe place - which it seems with you she has that! She may also need a group of peers her own age as well! I would see if you can get her into counseling, and have the counselor see if maybe there is a healthier arrangement for this child.

I realize the Xwife is a stay at home mom, but it sure sounds like a toxic environment for her. Maybe see if you can find some after school programs to get her involved with, so she can go and have FUN until you two get home from work.

The X may not see that this behavior is damaging, and I'm sure will say that everyone is wrong. The deal is she is a broken soul, and is blinded by her sin. She in turn is very damaging to her child. Find ways of having a bit less contact with her, and that's NOT to be mean its for the welfare of the child! I wouldn't place it out there as a tool for less contact, because the X will not take it as intended. Somethings are better unspoken. Get ready for the manipulation comments from her, because that is how broken people operate.

I will be praying for you all.



Memaw. -> RE: divorced parent making child feel guilty (8/24/2008 3:11:51 PM)

Boundaries: A Guide for Teens. How To Build Relationships That Protect Your Personal Space and Respect Your Feelings.



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