When is it time to stop a friendship that seems to be going nowhere (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Life] >> Relationships



Message

MarlaB -> When is it time to stop a friendship that seems to be going nowhere (8/21/2008 7:57:27 AM)

Hi everyone my name is Marla and I need help with a friendship (if you would want to call it that) that seems to be going nowhere.

I have had this friend for many years and we have grown apart, in many ways things that she thinks is fun to do and say and who to hang out with is something I no longer feel comfortable with. If I don't partake in the things that she does when I am over her house, eventually she will tell me that I have a problem or that I am holier than though. I am trying to stay away and I don't really speak with her much. The lastime I was at her house which was a few weeks ago she was having ladies night where all they do is drink get drunk and listen to music that really bothers me. I did leave before ladies night began but her husband told me I should stay I said no I can't my almost exact words is I can't remember the last time I was drunk my friend spoke up and said that is your problem. The thing is I have never pushed my ways on her and have tried not to be judgmental. If she asks a question I try to answer her. In my heart I do believe that GOD is dealing with me regarding this friendship when I was at her house that time I was so uncomfortable I couldn't wait to get home. She was listening to this music that was talking about getting high and she told me that was her favorite song. I didn't say anything, I think she was waiting for a response or a judgmental attitude. She told me that her daughter does drugs and who is she to say or do anything about it. I am a parent of a 12 year old son and all I know is if my son was on drugs and I knew it I would get him help and the thing is my son is friends with her son which really bothers me. I don't allow my son to do certain things and his friend thinks I am too strict, basically my son has rules. My son is starting a new private Christian school this year and I am hoping and praying that he will meet some new friends. I just need some biblical advice on how to deal with this person if I am confronted by her in anyway.



delete123 -> RE: When is it time to stop a friendship that seems to be going nowhere (8/21/2008 11:53:04 AM)

Marla~
It sounds like you and your friend are living in 2 different worlds. She is still pursuing a life after the world in where you have given you life to Christ to Lord over you and bring you abundant life.

You haven't said if you have talked with her about God or not, but scripture tell us that when we give the "Good News" and it is not accepted, we should wipe the dust from our feet and move on.

According to I John she lives in darkness and the darkness does not like Light because it exposes them. KWIM?
A good example of her darkness is when she is unconcerned and shows lack of love of her child's well being.

Sometimes the Lord puts people in our life for a reason or season. In your case it sounds like both are over and you need to let go of this friendship. And don't forget to pray for her.

If you gave her the gospel (planted the seed) the Holy Spirit will water it in His time and may use someone else to get through to her.

You son being 12 is he aware of your beliefs concerning this type of lifestyle? Maybe a talk with him is in order so he understands your stance.

May the Lord Bless you
CRH



shadowspring -> RE: When is it time to stop a friendship that seems to be going nowhere (8/21/2008 3:25:09 PM)

My opinion:

It is time to move on NOW!

As an example to your son, if nothing else, you need to choose friends who support you in your faith and in the lifestyle you think pleases the Lord.

I have non-Christian friends but none who actively try to drag me down to unbelief, and none with substance abuse issues (at least not that they try to pull me into [;)]).

Your son is watching you. Choose who you spend your time with wisely.

And please don't let guilt keep you in a bad friendship. If your witness was going to make a difference to your friend, it already would have. You can do no more for her by hanging around, but you can be an example to her of moving on with God by going.



AGilpin93 -> RE: When is it time to stop a friendship that seems to be going nowhere (8/21/2008 4:57:58 PM)

This is very sage advice. As usual it's always easier to give than to follow. I had the very unfortunate task of having to end a friendship that was very unhealthy. It has been nearly 2 months since then and as each day goes by i am feeling better about my decision. I give Him the credit for than. I have been praying so much and life has definitely gotten better for me



Rivermoon -> RE: When is it time to stop a friendship that seems to be going nowhere (8/21/2008 9:38:10 PM)

Hi Marla,

What I would advice is not to engage yourself in any unbiblical activities just to keep the friendship. If 2 friends truly are drifting apart, the only thing we need to bring them together is their willingness to work things out together with grace, love and humbleness. Otherwise, no other ways will truly work.

At the same time, as other folks mentioned here that you need to lead a healthy life in order to set a good example for your son.

I have just gone through a tough summer grieving a close-to-an-end of a 10-year friendship with a Christian lady. The reason is our thinking and lifestyle are drifting apart. It's hard, as I don't believe in seasonal friendship. I wouldn't say you should end your friendship. But you may have to guard your boundary and heart and be honest with her what you can accept or not, what you think she should know or not. If there's no will on either side to go closer to the other party to mend the friendship, well, you may have to put the friendship down for the time being.

This is what I'm doing now. Hopefully God will change her on her side, and keep changing me on my side, and hopefully eventually we are more spiritually and emotional matured and both have the will to mend and resume the friendship, as nothing can effectively do with a friendship without a mutual will and effort.

Rivermoon :-)



allisonbrett -> RE: When is it time to stop a friendship that seems to be going nowhere (8/22/2008 1:25:09 PM)

If you are so uncomfortable with going to her house and you know that the spirit is dealing with you over it then you need to cut ties. Friendships are based on compatibility and you obviously are not compatible anymore.

You could make excuses for not hanging out anymore and just let the relationship fade away. You could talk to honestly and let her know that you and she have gone different paths and no long have much in common therefore you don't care to hang around anymore or as much. It depends on how direct you want to be with her.

I had a situation with a friend many years ago. She was beginning to dabble in cocaine with some of her other friends. I was never one to do drugs so I got where I avoided her anytime the issue or drugs were in the picture. After a while she choose to run with her other friends and I quietly faded into oblivion



rgod -> RE: When is it time to stop a friendship that seems to be going nowhere (8/22/2008 6:55:15 PM)

quote:

I have just gone through a tough summer grieving a close-to-an-end of a 10-year friendship with a Christian lady. The reason is our thinking and lifestyle are drifting apart. It's hard, as I don't believe in seasonal friendship. I wouldn't say you should end your friendship. But you may have to guard your boundary and heart and be honest with her what you can accept or not, what you think she should know or not. If there's no will on either side to go closer to the other party to mend the friendship, well, you may have to put the friendship down for the time being.


I second this answer and will add to it. Of course, you already know that you are going to have to go to God on this one.

I had a friend like this (minus the drug part) and I felt so uncomfortable. I abruptly ended the friendship. I regret what I did and the way that I did it everytime I think about it - and it has been years now.

You see, I kept looking at it as a black and white thing instead of shades of gray. I think I could have continued to be her friend, but just downshift the relationship a bit. We enjoyed many things together and were compatible on many different levels. While we couldn't have maintained a very close relationship, we could have still maintained a friendship. I could have been a friend to her and I could have been a witness for Christ.

At the time I felt like I only had one choice - I listened to my Christian friends probably more than the Holy Spirit. I didn't notice that they didn't have any non-Christian friends - or even any friends outside of their church. I didn't notice how anemic their evangelism was, that they were making no impact on the world. And I'd forgotten that at one time that was me ... I wasn't saved ... and Christian people befriended me - even when I mocked Christ and Christians - when I told them not to pray for me - when I didn't believe in Christ. They loved me with the love of Christ. They didn't quote scripture to me all of the time. But they lived the life and they drew boundaries when necessary. They didn't shun me. And God used their love to witness to me. I'm not saying be friends with someone just to evangelize to them ... there is something about that that seems ... I don't know - like it is missing the mark - like evangelizing to them is just another check mark on our lists. But we can be friends with people because we love them - because God loves them and he can enable us to enjoy them, and in that we do what is loving which is to share Christ. You don't need to beat them over the head - just live the life in front of them.

If you aren't being drawn away from your walk by being with your friend (that is a totally different issue) and the Holy Spirit is not telling you to run - pray about it. See what He would have you to do. He might say break it off. He might say cool it down. But whatever you do, pray for your friend. Love her. Let her know that you are there for her. Unsaved people test saved people. There is something in them (formerly me) that almost drove me to do it (we wrestle not against flesh and blood) - to see what they will do. Keep loving them while you stand up for Christ. Don't deny Christ - do what is right.

All the very best! rgod



shadowspring -> RE: When is it time to stop a friendship that seems to be going nowhere (8/22/2008 7:30:44 PM)

I am sorry that all of your Christian friends were fruitless people who never impacted the world for Christ, rgod.

That is certainly not true of me, but I still believe the OP needs to end this friendship. In fact it is because of my life of witness and service that I advise this way.

She needs to be clear to her children that friendship with the world (meaning on the worlds terms!) is enmity with God, as scripture clearly teaches. James 4:4

And on the same scriptural basis, she should be sowing the good seed of God's Word everywhere she goes. Mark 4:14-20; 2 Corintians 9:10;

She should continue to do good to all people, especially to those who are of the household of faith. Galatians 6:10

And if anyone receives her (welcomes her and her message) she should remain friends with those people, ministering to them as the grace of God provides.

But those who reject the message we are to leave behind.

quote:

Matthew 10: 11"Whatever town or village you enter, search for some worthy person there and stay at his house until you leave. 12As you enter the home, give it your greeting. 13If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you. 14If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town.


I don't think anyone expects her to be rude or even make any kind of declaration that the friendship is over. She just needs to fill her time elsewhere, and not accept any more of the person's invitations.

I don't usually make redundant posts, but the previous post seemed to strongly imply that anyone who advised to end the friendship was living life in a Christian only bubble and not living a life of ministry. I just wanted to clear that up, in case that was the impression the OP had as well. [:)]

quote:

In my heart I do believe that GOD is dealing with me regarding this friendship when I was at her house that time I was so uncomfortable I couldn't wait to get home.


I think the OP already has her answer anyway. [:D]



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: When is it time to stop a friendship that seems to be going nowhere (8/22/2008 7:54:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shadowspring

I am sorry that all of your Christian friends were fruitless people who never impacted the world for Christ, rgod.
I'm not rgod, but I certainly didn't read this into what she was saying.

What I did read was her sharing of her own experience, and she did so very graciously.




Marla, the only thing I can offer you is to encourage to pray to Our Lord for HIS Wisdom and HIS Guidance on this specific friendship. Relationships are not formulaic where one solution fits all similar situations; many factors need to be considered when making a decision such as this.

HIS Peace,
Sharon-Marie



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: When is it time to stop a friendship that seems to be going nowhere (8/22/2008 7:58:31 PM)

ooops . . . posted without completing my thought.


. . . those many factors . . . only you can weigh all of them together; and only through prayer can you make such decision.




And btw . . . Welcome to the Forums! [:)]



rgod -> RE: When is it time to stop a friendship that seems to be going nowhere (8/22/2008 8:16:12 PM)

quote:

I am sorry that all of your Christian friends were fruitless people who never impacted the world for Christ, rgod.


Sigh ... here we go. The hard part about forums is that the communication is written and you can't hear vocal inflections - so we can't hear each other's hearts when we share.

Shadowspring - The point that I was trying to make - and probably a bit clumsily - is that there are several different ways that she can go with this. I'm not sure where you are getting the impression that my post "strongly impl[ied] that anyone who advised to end the friendship was living life in a Christian only bubble and not living a life of ministry." If you can show me where this impression came from please let me know. No where did I say all Christians did this and I encouraged the OP to seek the Holy Spirit who might also tell her to cut the friendship loose (refer to the last paragraph of my post).

I'm not saying that everyone who recommends that you break off a relationship with a non-Christian is legalistic or doesn't want to evangelize or is insensitive. But in my case, I felt like my Christian friends at the time kept telling me there were only two ways to go about this - as if the Lord wouldn't give me a third or a fourth way. They tended to be cut and dry - and although they were really sweet people - they weren't making impact outside of the church because all of their energies were focused on what was happening inside of the church. So, the solutions they presented to me was I should either witness to her so that she could immediately become a Christian or I should end the friendship. I didn't listen to the Holy Spirit. I prayed some, but I didn't search the scriptures. And I do feel to this day - having since considered Jesus' life and read the scriptures for myself - and having now prayed and spent time with the Lord listening to the Holy Spirit - that I made a mistake. In that case, I could have simply downshifted the relationship (it was going that way anyway) and still left the door open for the Lord to use me in her life. So in my case, I believe in my heart that I did the wrong thing.

The OP asked for opinions and on this subject and basically what I said (since many of the posts were saying something similar) that there is more than just one way to think about this issue and to pray about it. Having been through this before, I wanted to make sure that the OP realized that.



shadowspring -> RE: When is it time to stop a friendship that seems to be going nowhere (8/22/2008 10:06:06 PM)

quote:

I listened to my Christian friends probably more than the Holy Spirit. I didn't notice that they didn't have any non-Christian friends - or even any friends outside of their church. I didn't notice how anemic their evangelism was, that they were making no impact on the world.


Sounds pretty harsh to me.[&:]

Sorry to have offended rgod and White Rose Blessings with my post. It was not my intention.

But I did feel it necessary to point out that even though rgod's friends were isolated in their Christian world with no credible witness, and they advised her to break off friendships with people who were not walking with God, that does not mean that it is never wise counsel (from spiritually mature believers who are walking in truth and love) to break off friendships with people who have no respect for you and no desire to walk with God.

Goodness sakes, you could have made your point about going easy with the separation to keep the door open for later, without coming right out and saying such unflattering things about the people who gave you the advice to break it off. [sm=aside.gif]

Maybe they were as bad as you write, but pointing it out implies that all advise to break off an ungodly relationship is likewise tainted.

I just wanted to make sure that point was not left unchallenged. Like you said, forums are for all kinds of input. [:)]



rgod -> RE: When is it time to stop a friendship that seems to be going nowhere (8/23/2008 12:18:15 AM)

quote:

Sounds pretty harsh to me.

Sorry to have offended rgod and White Rose Blessings with my post. It was not my intention.

But I did feel it necessary to point out that even though rgod's friends were isolated in their Christian world with no credible witness, and they advised her to break off friendships with people who were not walking with God, that does not mean that it is never wise counsel (from spiritually mature believers who are walking in truth and love) to break off friendships with people who have no respect for you and no desire to walk with God.

Goodness sakes, you could have made your point about going easy with the separation to keep the door open for later, without coming right out and saying such unflattering things about the people who gave you the advice to break it off.

Maybe they were as bad as you write, but pointing it out implies that all advise to break off an ungodly relationship is likewise tainted.


Well shadowspring - that wasn't my intention - and I'm sorry that you see it that way.

MarlaB - I'll be praying for you as you seek God concerning this decision. This is a very difficult situation to be in and I think that many of us understand where you are coming from.

Both of you have a blessed weekend! Your sister in Christ - rgod



MarlaB -> RE: When is it time to stop a friendship that seems to be going nowhere (8/23/2008 11:50:39 AM)

Thanks everyone for all your advice. I know in my heart that it is time to move on. I know GOD is dealing with me in what I thought was a friendship. It hasn't been a frienship for quite sometime. I am just thankful that my family (husband and son) have accepted CHRIST. We love the LORD and we are not ashamed to say so. I will stay away from her and if she should happen to call I will pray to the LORD for the right answers and to just have me set an example that honors HIM. Yes I have presented the gospel to her and bought her a Bible only GOD and herself know what is in her heart. I will not judge but I also can not be a friendship with the world. I want to live a life that pleases and honors GOD.



Page: [1]



Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI