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pianofirstlady -> Pastor/Fiance's Speech Impediment - Ignore It or Help Him?!?! (8/18/2008 5:01:15 AM)
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[sm=sadquestion.gif] Hey, I'm new here and not sure if I'm posting in the right place, but here goes: I'm 36 and my 33 y-o fiance is a pastor at a small church. While I love him dearly, I have and show the utmost respect for him at all times, I'm torn about my concern for his speech impediment. It's hard to describe - it's not stuttering at all, just an ill-formation of lots of his words that make him appear "slow." I'm no speech pathologist, but it's like his tongue needs to be retrained in the formation of certain words and sounds. It honestly almost hindered me from giving "us" a chance. And it's not so bad that a good speech therapist couldn't help him, but I want to get counsel from a multitude of godly men (and women) before I even think about bringing it up. He pastors my parents' church in a rural area (I live 2 hours away in a major city), and we've been dating since Feb. but have known each other a few years now. While we're usually really good about bringing up - and receiving - suggestions and constructive criticism from one another, this is a tricky one. One day he shared with me how early in his ministry, he attempted to sing after he was done with the sermon. His siblings and cousins had attended and afterwards they all laughed and said in so many words "man you did great 'til you started singing!" He laughs about now, but admits that he hasn't sang from the pulpit since! And as a musician and singer that saddens me. I've heard him sing in the car and I think he has a wonderful voice that has great singing potential. And I told him that. So now he only sings around me. [:)] But that episode with his family is part of the reason I hesitate to say anything about the speech thing. I admire him for answering his calling and going forth in boldness, but sometimes I can sense that he's somewhat self-conscious about his speech himself. It's like the big elephant in the living room that maybe if he doesn't make an issue of it, it'll go away - or nobody will really notice. The saddest part about it all is that he's surrounded by a legion of "brothers in the ministry", many of whom he's known for years - in a huge denomination that's supposedly a "connectional" church. It angers me that they "cheese" in his face and get together hand-shaking and back slapping but none of them have loved him enough to take him aside and offer to help him in this area. They should all be able to help each other grow and hold each other accountable. What else is the "connection" for...just for the politics, bureaucracy and to make the head Bishop rich? Don't get me started on that!
But as far as it concerns me as his fiance - at what point do you stop letting a person that you love so much think that everything's hunky dorey at the expense of their growth and improvement?!?! To be honest, some of its an impediment and some of its just lazy/bad speaking patterns from the environment he grew up in! Stuff like "anuddah" for "another." Ok, did I just give away our race?!?! LOL! Seriously though, even as blacks, in our household Ebonics were NOT acceptable...but then again my mom was a teacher so we got corrected at every turn. And while I understand that he didn't grow up with that privilege, if the tables were turned, heck I'd want him to lovingly approach me concerning my speech and help me get better. It's not like he lacks for intelligence. He's a VERY smart man. Quick thinker and quite the math whiz, and I'm eternally grateful at how God's gives blesses you with someone who's strengths make up for your weaknesses. I can't remember a math class that I ever made higher than a C in! [:(] So he's the "numbers" and money man in the relationship and I'm more the language arts/communication strength. I say this to say that I KNOW he's capable of improving. But because I'm scared to bring it up, I don't know whether his teachers in the past ever suggested or sent him to speech therapy or what.
Granted, I'd still love him if he never did a thing about it, but I don't want to let it fester and then get married and it become a bigger deal. I do have to admit that when we visit more progressive churches with mostly articulate people or get around my family and friends - who I must say are by and large very well spoken people - I'm sometimes embarrassed. And then I'm left to struggle with whether it's a vanity/image thing in MY head or do I genuinely want help for HIM. I'd like to believe it's mostly the latter. The greatest concerns for me as he grows in ministry is (1) him being understood - and yes, there are whole phrases and sentences that often get garbled when he attempts to talk too fast or the thoughts are flowing quicker than he can get the words out. Sometimes when we're talking on the phone, I get frustrated when I have to ask him to keep repeating stuff. But I make sure I don't come off snappy, intolerant or impatient about it. And concern no. (2) is for the children we plan to have. BIG CONCERN FOR ME! Children learn to speak based on what they hear, and I'd have a stone hissy fit if my lil' 2-year-old ever asked me "Mommy, can I have anuddah piece of chicken?" "No, Darling, and you can't eat at this table again until you can properly pronounce 'another'!" Ok, I'm joking. That's terribly harsh, but it gives you some idea about how important it is for me. Which leads me to a major detail I left out - his mom has almost the IDENTICAL speech impediment he has. He was an only child for a while and his parents divorced when he was young, 3, so I'm sure mom's voice was the one he heard more than anyone's. Then again, he has an 11 y-o from his first marriage who has no speech impediment, but he certainly exhibits some of the "lazy" speech patterns where he doesn't finish his words. While I do try to be patient though...I'm a firm believer in kids - and adults - learning to speak "The King's English." But I try to remember that everybody has different value systems and enunciation is obviously not important in the circles they travel in. His son commented to my niece recently that "you tawk lika White gurl!" (Sigh!) But that's a whole 'nother chapter out of another mental book of mine. That leads me to my other big concern - that I'll end up falling into similar speech patterns. And that's scares the mess out of me! I even catch myself now stumbling over or mispronouncing words and I have to analyze whether it's 'cause I'm giving too much thought to this or it's the whole association-assimilation thing at work. Am I subconsciously "dumbing" down my speech and language so they can relate to me and I to them? Arrrrrrrggggghhhh! I'm starting to feel like I need a professional here!
They live in a fairly rural area, but I grew up rural as well, not far from him. I guess the big difference is that I left home at 19 and haven't looked back 'til now. I'm fairly well-traveled and have met and befriended people from all over the globe. He's a whole lot less exposed and so I don't denigrate him or his son for still talking "country" or being unlearned about a lot of stuff. I'm not so far removed that I can't still relate to my "country" roots - which I wouldn't trade for a thing in the world! But I guess I'd just feel better if my fiance' would at least TRY! When he's not working or preaching, he spends a LOT of time in front of his golden big-screen TV. Then on Sun. morning when he's stumbling over Bible words or passages or when thoughts come out incoherent, I feel evil for the thoughts I'm thinking. Like "ok, maybe you could turn off the TV on Sat. nights and on the weekdays when you come home from work and get in front of the mirror or a video camera and read, read and re-read your text. And PRACTICE pronouncing the names and words." But I can't say that...and I never would - not like THAT, at least.
So what gives? Do I just keep ignoring it or find a way to help him? I'm just afraid that if I bring it up, he'll become all the more self-conscious and it'll get WORSE! He's such a great man with a genuine love for God and a greater faith than I've known in any man, despite his affinity for the tube. He always ministering to and encouraging the guys he works with and I only wish I had the boldness he has in that area. I pray a lot - for him and for us and I honestly realize that God often has to change the man in the mirror to accept the way that He's shaped the people we love so much as well as ourselves. It's a thin line though...I do believe God is also concerned with - and a Giver of - our growth and progression. If you're a man in the ministry, would you want your wife to approach you about something like this or leave it be? If you would, what would be acceptable to say?
Why do I feel like the impaired one here? Maybe it's just my heart and mind that needs fixing...
Sorry for being so long-winded.
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