singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies

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OneOfHisJewels -> singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/15/2008 9:32:31 PM)
I know that many of us as singles find some of our fulfillment in hobbies, and that make sense...Yes, God, church, family etc, take time, but other outlets are also healthy for us..Prairie hiker's hiking, train fan's train enjoyment, woodwinds soapmaking, Lisa's soccer, my miniatures (dollhouse) hobby and other needlework and crafts, oh, and reading and going to the gym[;)] etc, are all things that help us spend time being busy in days and hours where if our time weren't filled doing those things, we could end up sitting around moping instead, so I think it is a VERY good thing for singles to have hobbies they can occupy themselves with. However.....I just had a friend from out of town visiting for 3 weeks (that's why I haven't been around much lately, hi guys!), and I really had to make sure and put hobbies aside for those 3 weeks, so that I would be attentive to my friend, and I was even on Crosswalk very little to not at all due to her being here...We focused much more on things we could do TOGETHER (shopping, swimming, visiting others, etc.) So that got me thinking..could the same hobbies that help us in our singleness hurt us in our marriage? I'm just wondering because I do know of wives who complain of being sports widows, golf widows, etc. I haven't heard of as many complaints from men, but I have heard some, although usually with men it's that their wife is at church too much or something like that. Yet, I also understand not wanting to give up something you love just because you are married, and sometimes your spouse might like the same thing, but sometimes that might not. I don't know, I'm just thinking that that might be an area to be adjusted once one is married. I'm not trying to ramble, yet I'm not sure I'm making sense, either, kwim? Anyway, let's talk about it, if ya wanna.

skreyola -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/15/2008 10:51:44 PM)
It is just as important for married folks to have hobbies and interests of their own. They just need to make sure their time is properly prioritized. Doing everything together is just as surely disasterous to a marriage as doing nothing together. Over time, you will grow weary of doing every single little thing together, and your lack of outside involvement will lead to les and less interesting internal conversations. Every husband and wife should encourage his or her spouse to pursue some individual interests. It give something to talk about, lets some "frustration energy" be put into good uses and not into the relationship, and helps to keep perspective within and without the marriage. It just needs, as I said, to be kept to a healthy investment of time and money, so that it doesn't push the relationship out of balance.

ChoirDJ -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/15/2008 11:56:35 PM)
Welcome back to the fold OneOfHisJewels...I haven't been around much lately eaither out of respect for my job's revised Internet Use Policy. They don't really enforce it and it's been so hard not to sign on throughout the day. In regards to this issue, I think the key is balance. It's important to have some things in common as well as some personal hobbies. It's not healthy for a marriage when one person smothers the other person by not allowing that person to have some personal hobbies. It's equally unhealthy if one of the persons has so many hobbies that they begin to neglect the marriage. I suppose that's something that has to be negotiated during the courting phase of the relationship.

Grace-N-Mercy -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/16/2008 12:53:04 AM)
I agree with Choir's perspective. I think it's unhealthy if two people don't have separate hobbies. There has to be some time they spend away from each other. I also believe that hobbies make us more interesting people, so in terms of dating, we become more interesting to another person. Never mind that he or she doesn't share that hobby, they get to see another side of you... a side that maybe they would like to nurture in themselves.

OneOfHisJewels -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/16/2008 1:10:13 AM)
Thank you for the good insights. I just remembered, too, after I'd already started the thread, that, marriage, hopefully, lasts a lifetime, so it won't be quite the same as an intense 3 week visit with my friend, lol. There'll be plenty of times for ebbs and flows.

mutinywxgirl -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/16/2008 6:57:31 AM)
My soccer isn't a hobby - it's part of my life. It's been part of my life since 1975. It's been a source of my livelihood in the past. Can't put that into the category of hobby. But, I do know what you're getting at with the post. Like the others, it's a matter of balance. My photography would be a hobby. I have had to stop it with the exception of a few chosen assignments since family issues became a priority. After that, I'll be doing it more often and with more variety. I have seen how there are enough events at church or in small groups, to where I could be at something literally every day of the week. That's too much. It just needs balance.

willfs -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/16/2008 9:33:54 AM)
Well, when you decide to devote the rest of your life to one person - you are gaining some great things, but you are probably losing some stuff as well; which goes with any change in life. When you get married, there is the great possibility of learning compatiblility in your recreation/hobbies. BTW, one thing I know that many of us guys place high priority on in our relationships is finding some recreation we can do together. However, it is probably still very important that, even after marriage, you have alteast one hobby that puts you around other people and gives you a break from your spouse. Funny story. I was playing a video game with a married friend. He was amazed at how well I was playing and wondered how I had improved so much. I said, "While you have been developing a relationship, courting, marrying and starting a family; I have been playing this video game." He told me he would choose his path over my path any day. I concurred.

OneOfHisJewels -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/16/2008 9:58:10 AM)
quote: My soccer isn't a hobby - it's part of my life. It's been part of my life since 1975. It's been a source of my livelihood in the past. Can't put that into the category of hobby. Ooops, my bad. So sorry! I was just trying to include as many people/interests as I could think of. Perhaps I should have said hobbies and things that are a big part of our life, lol.[;)]

mutinywxgirl -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/16/2008 9:59:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels quote: My soccer isn't a hobby - it's part of my life. It's been part of my life since 1975. It's been a source of my livelihood in the past. Can't put that into the category of hobby. Ooops, my bad. So sorry! I was just trying to include as many people/interests as I could think of. Perhaps I should have said hobbies and things that are a big part of our life, lol.[;)] LOL - oh, it's okay. I knew what you meant. But yeah, I do like that idea - including stuff that is a big part of our lives. [:)]

skreyola -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/16/2008 10:56:47 AM)
An important point here, that is brought up by some of these comments, is that it is a red flag if someone you're dating wants to take up all your hobbies. There's doing things together, and then there's having no individual identity. quote: If we agree on everything, one of us is unnecessary applies to hoobies, too, I think.

Prairiehiker -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/16/2008 11:18:37 AM)
It all depends on the individual and it's something someone should give a serious consideration if he/she is thinking of spending the rest of their life with someone. If your hobby is just something you do until Mr or Ms. Right comes along, then, it's probably not a big deal if your partner doesn't share the same interest. But if it's an integral part of your identity and lifestyle, and it's a true passion, instead of just a hobby, then, I'd have to say that you have to see if you can spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't have any interest in it. I have a lot of hobbies and interest which I don't necessarily need to share with a partner. I run and bike and enjoy little cafes, and books. Those, I don't really need to share with a partner as I can do them alone, and prefer to do them alone. But if the man doesn't share my passion for the outdoors, and specifically moutain hiking, then, we won't spend our vacations together. IT would cause an awful lot of frustration on my part because I'd love to share so much of my experiences and adventure with someone special, and I can't imagine living my life with someone who could care less about these things. For example, during my last vacation, a friend decided to tag along last minute (seriously, she called me 1 hour before we left). She is not outdoorsy, never camped, never hiked, not into long drives and she had two kids. I had no choice but to take them as they were on the way to my place. By the third day, I was so frustrated that I flipped out on her. My dream vacation was being ruined by 3 people who I had to spend most of my time accomodating. I took the kids hiking, and within 1/4 a km, she was complaining that she couldn't walk and she'd like to sit down. That was frustrating because her kids definitely wanted to come along. I ended up doing things with her kids, while she sat around or went shopping. We had absolutely nothing in common. When my daughter and I did a few difficult hikes, we were so excited to share them with her, but she didn't even care to show any interest. She had a miserable time in BC...all because she's a city person, and I'm an outdoorsy person. Now, that was only 5 days with her (we dropped her off somewhere to meet her other friends after the 5th day). Can I imagine 5 years, or a lifetime with a person whom I can't share my passion with. Not a chance. We related quite well during our times together, but it took an awful lot of effort in my part, and probably hers too. I learned from that experience that even though relationships should take a top priority in our lives, we should be very discerning about who we spend our special times with. We were on the same vacation, and I had the most amazing time, while she had never been miserable in her life. From now on, we'd probably spend a few hours here and there, but not long vacations anymore. So, when looking for someone, look for someone who you have enough similar interests with so you can do things together, enough differences so to spice up your life, and look for someone who has a great attitude about life overall. Someone who can roll with the punches when life gets tough and is willing to share the adventure with you.

sunluvingirl -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/16/2008 11:52:17 AM)
I think there have been some good points made in this thread. It reminds me of the song "In Perfect harmony" by Roma Downey that played at my brother's wedding. It brings out the balance of being very close and yet giving each other some space. I wish I could find a link, its a really beautiful song.

Tinkerbell_ -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/16/2008 1:21:39 PM)
I'm thinking of my hobbies and how I can do them being married. I bake and decorate cakes; read; watch movies; collect Tinkerbell and panda bear stuff; listen to music; watch pro football... I think all of these can be done with someone. Perhaps while he's doing something in the evening I can work on a cake or read a book. We can watch movies and games together... I wouldn't expect him to read the same books as me but occasionally I'd like to read one and discuss it together. We don't have to like the same movies but if he's as heavy into chick flicks as I am into action movies that could cause discomfort...LOL He doesn't have to buy me anything Tinkerbell or panda bears, but if he does it would be soooo cute. [:)] We don't even have to root for the same football team but if he roots for GB, SF, or Washington I would cry. [;)] So a balance can be made, as long as we both worked at it.

skreyola -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/16/2008 1:22:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Nongnuch Bassham "There are two ways to study butterflies: chase them around with nets then inspect their dead bodies, or sit quietly in a garden and watch them dance among the flowers." Marriage is probably a lot like that. The healthy ones are not about capturing and controlling someone.

OneOfHisJewels -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/16/2008 1:37:15 PM)
quote: I think there have been some good points made in this thread. It reminds me of the song "In Perfect harmony" by Roma Downey that played at my brother's wedding. It brings out the balance of being very close and yet giving each other some space. I wish I could find a link, its a really beautiful song. Is THIS what you're talking about?

sunluvingirl -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/16/2008 2:07:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels quote: I think there have been some good points made in this thread. It reminds me of the song "In Perfect harmony" by Roma Downey that played at my brother's wedding. It brings out the balance of being very close and yet giving each other some space. I wish I could find a link, its a really beautiful song. Is THIS what you're talking about? Thats it! Thanks so much, I love it! Why on earth didn't I check youtube?![:@]

trainfan -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/18/2008 1:30:59 PM)
Probably not a surprise to people who know me but I know a lot of hobbiests. Most of them are guys and most are married, I know some of their wives as well. In my experince I have found there are 4 types of wives. There are the ones who actively participate in a hobby with their husband. There are the ones who support their husband's hobby and will help them when they need an extra set of hands for a task, stop in the store to pick up an item for them or buy them gifts related to their hobby but the wives don't pursue the hobby themselves. There are the wives that tolerate their husbands hobby but want absolutely nothing to do with it. Finally there are the wives who completely hate their husbands hobby. The happiest guys are the ones with wives who fall into the first 2 groups. The guys in the third group are usually jealous of the ones in the first 2 groups. I actually saw that a while back one of the guys who races remote control cars was in the store with his wife at the same time another guy who also races was here. The first guy's wife would fall into the second group. She will pick up parts for him and attends some of the races although she doesn't race herself. The second racer was talking to the husband and wife and said to her that he saw her at a race and was wondering why she was there. She said she tries to attend the races at least every other week. The guy who was here alone just stood dumbfounded and looked kind of sad for a minute and then said "would you talk to my wife? I would love it if she would at least come out every once in a while." The guys with wives in the last group I rarely see more than once. They generally come in with their wives who whine and gripe the whole time they are in my store. I had an example of that a few weeks ago 2 couples came in and the wives almost immediately started whining about wanting to go to the mall. One of the husbands was very interested in getting a small remote control helicopter, which was quite inexpensive, he was asking me about it and the whole time his wife kept interupting with "you may as well just leave b/c you're not going to get it". This went on for about 5 minutes her whining at him, occasionally joined by the other guys wife, while he tried to carry one a conversation with me or the other guy he came in with. Of course he left with nothing. The next day a wife of another racer came in to pick up some parts and I was talking to her about the couples from the day before. She just shook her head and said "I really like it that __ has a hobby, I can have some time to get things done. While he is home working on his truck he'll watch the kids so I can get to the store. He goes to the track to race a couple nights a week and I know where he is, I know he's not in a bar somewhere or something like that." Maybe I should've asked if she has a single sister. [:D] Around Christmas shopping season a lot of times I will get adult children in the store looking for something for their dad. Quite often I will hear one child say to the other (or their spouse) "dad would really enjoy this but mom wouldn't let him keep it or have it in her house." I think pretty much everyone needs a hobby of some sort, just to get away for the stresses of the day. I do realize that if I were to get married that I would have to cut into the time I spend on hobbies but I certainly wouldn't stop doing them (as long as time and finances permited). I would say that this is definitely a topic you'd want to talk about before you got married.

iwillfearnoevil -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/18/2008 3:31:50 PM)
i know it's not the most common belief, but i feel that each spouse's most enjoyable activities should be shared with one another. i'm not saying they need to be glued to the hip but why should other people deposit love units into our spouses love banks while the other sits idly by? lost opportunities! dr harley puts it so well with his article Why Should a Couple Plan to Be with Each Other When They Are the Happiest? (link) and there's a great survey with interests/hobbies at REI - Recreational Enjoyment Inventory i think it'd be a good exercise for courtship time ...

woodwind228 -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/18/2008 10:38:06 PM)
Yeah, balance is huge. I'd go nuts if I didn't have "my time" every so often. It'd be great to have hobbies in common, but I couldn't expect to share them all (I have so many things I enjoy). Even if a guy didn't really have any hobbies, as long as he can appreciate mine, I'm okay with that. [;)] I have a lot of varied interests though, so I'm sure we'd find common ground. (Trainfan, I can relate somewhat to the 1st two groups of wives with the RC cars...my ex was really into that and I went to some of the races too. I didn't adopt that particular hobby for myself, but I supported him in what he enjoyed. I think that's very important and should most definitely be a reciprocal thing.) Not only do I like to make soap, but I also sell it, which can be a nice supplemental income. I also crochet and have sold some of it too. I've donated some of both, so both of these hobbies are not only way of making a little extra cash, but they are also a way to minister to others in a different sort of way. I'm actually fixing to teach a crochet class at my church and, as part of learning to do it, we'll be making a baby afghan for the pregnancy resource center - one of our ministry opportunities. My other hobbies (except maybe canning) aren't like that and are often done when the mood strikes and/or when I have time. There's still other stuff I'd love to learn and see if I like it. There's just not enough time in the day. I am one of those that serves quite a bit at my church. [8\|] But that's because I can, and because I enjoy serving God's kingdom when I'm able. Obviously, if/when I get married I'd have other responsibilities and commitments to be considered and would likely have to cut way back on some of that. But hey, if it's something we can do together, that's great.

skreyola -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/18/2008 11:48:03 PM)
That's cool, woodwind228. I've thought about teaching a crochet class at my church, but I haven't gotten anything put together yet.

John_O -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/19/2008 6:48:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: skreyola That's cool, woodwind228. I've thought about teaching a crochet class at my church, but I haven't gotten anything put together yet. Wouldn't that be crocheted together? And if you've not done it how can you teach it?

Tinkerbell_ -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/19/2008 8:00:44 AM)
He's made some adorable things. The blanket Junior was snuggled up with was made by Skrey. [8D]

LadyHarmonyHH -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/19/2008 7:12:45 PM)
This is why I have prayed for a husband that I have things in common with. Whenever I get married I want my husband to love the same things I love! So we can be together.... :-) I mean... if he doesn't recognize the name Kenny Hinson or enjoy listening to southern gospel music he might as well forget it...ya know? SG is my life.

shemaromans -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/19/2008 10:47:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: skreyola It is just as important for married folks to have hobbies and interests of their own. They just need to make sure their time is properly prioritized. Doing everything together is just as surely disasterous to a marriage as doing nothing together. Over time, you will grow weary of doing every single little thing together, and your lack of outside involvement will lead to les and less interesting internal conversations. Every husband and wife should encourage his or her spouse to pursue some individual interests. It give something to talk about, lets some "frustration energy" be put into good uses and not into the relationship, and helps to keep perspective within and without the marriage. It just needs, as I said, to be kept to a healthy investment of time and money, so that it doesn't push the relationship out of balance. Well stated.

John_O -> RE: singleness and hobbies, marriage and hobbies (8/19/2008 11:05:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_ He's made some adorable things. The blanket Junior was snuggled up with was made by Skrey. [8D] Very cool. He's a talented man. I'm great at uncrocheting things. Just not so good at crocheting.

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