knowing the real person (Full Version)

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didionid -> knowing the real person (8/7/2008 10:28:47 PM)

My husband is a different person now that we're married. He's divorcing me. He says taht I didn't meet his ideal of a wife and I didn't meet my role as wife. What should I have looked for when we're dating? I don't know why I didn't see this. I also don't know if he's right but I don't think he is. How can you know what a man's ideas for a wife are as a single? And the opposite for the men here. How can you know if a man will change once your married? I probably won't post again. It's painful to me. But God will get me through it. Thank you for your answers.



joy2give2u -> RE: knowing the real person (8/7/2008 10:44:21 PM)

Didonid I am not sure how to answer your question or if an answer is really what you are looking for but I will pray for you and your husband.

Now in an attempt to reply to the subject of the op.......

Two things came to mind........

First he is placing the blame on you to try and justify his behavior. Even if you are not his ideal of a wife and you do not meet the roles he thinks a wife should fulfill he did not vow to be your husband only if you meet certain conditions.......he vowed to love you to death do you part period......do not take on yourself what belongs to him.

Second why it is so important to allow God to bring your husband or wife to you. Only God can see the future and knows who we will each be five, ten, fifty years from now.

Only God knows the person who will be perfect for us today and all the days of tomorrow.........it is so important to allow God to chose who we marry....and not do so on our limited vision of the future.

My heart goes out to you and I will be praying for you tonight.



gaylel1 -> RE: knowing the real person (8/8/2008 9:20:18 AM)

Diadid, is your husband a christian? If he is, he is divorcing you for the wrong reasons. And your husband is not fufilling his christian duties as a husband by "coping out." That shows he's a coward and he gave up so easily. I hope when I get married again, I don't want to come upon someone who marries and then gives up.



Focusing -> RE: knowing the real person (8/8/2008 9:52:23 AM)

Wow. He told you that you don't meet his expectations ... did he ever tell you he had certain expectations in a wife? Did he tell you what it was you were not meeting? If not, it is all on him. He needs to have clear communication with you. If you believe that you are being a good wife, and you are making a conscientious effort to be a good wife to him, with a sincere heart, you have done the right thing. As a married person, of course it is our desire to please our spouse on many levels, but if he is expecting certain things and does not communicate that to you, he has failed you.


quote:

How can you know what a man's ideas for a wife are as a single?

Open and honest communication. It's the only way.



I am praying for your situation. Specifically that your husband's heart softens and he decides to work things out. Also, that there are no seeds of bitterness taking root. You certainly are in a difficult and heartbreaking situation. (((didionid)))



hotsaucygma -> RE: knowing the real person (8/8/2008 11:37:46 AM)

People often show us just what they want us to see during dating/courtship, but then in the intimacy of living together 24/7 can not keep up the "show" and the rest of the story emerges. To a small degree we are all guilty of that, but people with self-esteem issues, or control issues often take it much further.

I firmly believe in a long period of dating/courtship prior to marriage, the longer the time the less the person is able to keep up pretenses. I also think anyone that doesn't want to do things with family and friends on both sides may be trying to keep you from seeing/hearing too much. Watching someone interact with family and long time friends is very important imo, it can tell alot about a person.

There are also books that are written to give couples subjects to talk about that will be important in marriage. I think there is one called something like 100 questions to ask your "mate". Lots of prayer, listening to the Holy Spirit, lots of talking about what you believe, want and plan to do in life, lots of interaction with friends and family, and time - those are the best ways I know of. But even then, if someone really wants to decieve you, they may be able to.



Psalms274 -> RE: knowing the real person (8/8/2008 4:22:56 PM)

Dearest Didionid,

I cannot even imagine what you are going through right now ... but I will pray for you ... and share a scripture that has helped me in the darkest of times ...

From the book of Hosea the 2nd verse ...

quote:

But then I will win her back once again.
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her there.
I will return her vineyards to her
and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.
She will give herself to me there,
as she did long ago when she was young, …

When that day comes,” says the LORD,
“you will call me ‘my husband’
instead of ‘my master.’ …

I will make you my wife forever,
showing you righteousness and justice,
unfailing love and compassion.
I will be faithful to you and make you mine,
and you will finally know me as the LORD.


As to how do you know someone ... all you can do is ask and pray they are honest with you ... look at the fruit of their life ... are they kind? do others hold them in high esteem? How do they resolve conflict? Walk closely with God and allow Him to guide your steps.



gobucks2073 -> RE: knowing the real person (8/8/2008 5:13:28 PM)

I have been divorced for 2 years and I think that once you are married for awhile that couples take each other for granted.My ex-wife started telling me after a few years that I had changed.Well,I hope so because people change over time but hopfully for the GOOD.One is going to change as they mature.I think that the way you and your spouse deals with that is a major key to it working.Well,aside from God.That is just my take on it and I pray that things work out.



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