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backrowbaptist -> RE: The View from the Back Pew (9/7/2008 10:51:59 PM)
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Here's a post from the "She Says" forum. It was in reply to an OP I put up to get women's opinions on men who never grow up. It stemmed from this article in Newsweek called "Leaving Guyland". http://www.newsweek.com/id/156372
I shared my experiences as a young 'Peter Pan", to which someone asked;
quote:
Wow - your statement is fascinating. Let me ask you - what made you want to change? Was it meeting the "right" woman for you - was it a restlessness inside - or something else? And in what ways are Christian women resisting? Also, can you share some concrete ways in which women can be supportive? I think for myself and many other Christian women, Peter Pan guys are kind of annoying because they kind of waste your time - you know? But that is probably not the right attitude to have since we are supposed to love one another? Also, why did you remain in that "Peter Pan" phase? Why do other men? I hope I'm not asking too many questions here - I don't want to hijack your thread ...
My response;
I can’t say any one thing made me want to change. It was more a maturing over time. I had always wanted to marry, but kept putting it off until (I thought) it was too late. A lot of it had to do with being too picky, in a typically shallow way. This girls legs were too skinny, I didn’t like that one’s laugh, she’s not athletic enough, or whatever. But, I’ve got to say, a lot of women I did like said similar things about me. What it really stemmed from was a couple of relationships in college that I was naïve and immature in pursuing. They ended badly, and I think I used them to rationalize not getting serious, mostly out of fear. With a lot of guys it’s fear. Fear of intimacy or fear of failure. I think a lot of guys prolong their adolescence so long that they don’t think they have the ability or maturity to be a responsible husband and father.
In my mid-thirties I finally woke up and decided I needed to get serious about finding a wife and starting a family. Unfortunately, my old habits resurfaced and I chose to pursue another unhealthy relationship. By that time I was struck by the realization that once you get to my stage in life, the prospects of meeting someone compatible are pretty slim. So many women I went out with had a lot of anger and mis-trust of men in general. I met so many divorced women who were at war with their x-es (one had a restraining order on hers, a meth dealer who’d threatened to kill her – I thought it best not to pursue). Then it became a question of whether, at that point in life, it was better not to marry than have a bad marriage. After all, it was clear that if I did get married, it’d most likely be my last, best shot.
Early last year I reached a point of resignation. I saw a lot of single women of my age range who were far too dysfunctional and high maintenance for marriage and parenthood (and I was sure I projected the same to them), along with a lot of divorced women with too much of the above-mentioned baggage. I concluded that unless God brought a young widow, with small children, who was looking for a guy exactly like me to help raise them, who I would find attractive enough and respect enough to want to marry, I was going to go on the mission field or some such endeavor, to have something of eternal value to show for the last half of my life.
I prayed to God exactly that, not expecting anything to come of it, and started looking into missionary possibilities. Two weeks later I was matched on eHarmony with two widows, both with small children. One didn’t seem to be a match, but the other certainly did. We started up a communication thread, decided to meet and pretty much knew from the start that we were what the other was looking for. I’m now married to the strongest, most faithful Christian woman, who for three tears raised her young son and daughter through the trauma of their father’s accidental death. They have graciously welcomed me into their family. I thank God daily for his blessings, even for the regrets, frustrations and loneliness of singleness. Without them, I wouldn’t be the man I need to be for my wife and family.
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