girlfriend's pre-christian past (Full Version)

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bergerac -> girlfriend's pre-christian past (8/4/2008 4:48:16 AM)

Hi there,

I have been going out with a girl from church for the past 3 months. I like her a lot and feel I would have no problems with the relationship were it not for her past, which I was fairly heartbroken to hear about one week after we started going out. I already knew that she had been engaged to a guy who didn't treat her very well (in a nutshell: he was very controlling and hit her a couple of times; she eventually got the courage to leave him after she became a christian) because she mentioned it at her baptism, but what I hadn't expected (quite naively) was that she'd slept with him. In fact, she'd had numerous sexual encounters, the pursuit of which had stemmed from an instance of abuse when she was 16 and a deep-seated view that she was only really valuable as a sexual object. Even after she became a christian, it took a while and some help for her to repent of sexual immorality. This happened about a year before anything started up between us, and is clearly something she's beaten--that's not my issue.

What bothers me is that sexual immorality has never been a problem for me or really even a temptation, and I had always hoped/expected that my future wife would be a virgin, and that sex would be something special we'd discover together (the way it's intended, really). Clearly, that can't happen with my current girlfriend (although sex in her past has always made her feel used or abused, and she's never "gone all the way", so I suppose I know it would still be special in a way, just not *as* special...). It seems like a great tragedy, however, to throw a great relationship away based on what someone has done in the past, especially based on things they did before they became a christian, given that they have earnestly turned to God and repented of it, that God forgives and accepts them, and given that sex is obviously just one part of a relationship...

Anyway, I'm interested in hearing people's general thoughts, but am especially interested in hearing from people who have entered into a christian marriage where only one person was chaste: I'd like to know whether that person felt "ripped-off" at all when it came to sex, whether the imbalance in sexual experience presented any obstacles and how they overcame them (or didn't), and whether that person had problems with thinking about their partner's history and how they overcame those.


Thanks for your time--I really appreciate it.



rbaribeau -> RE: girlfriend's pre-christian past (8/4/2008 8:38:49 AM)

Just wanted to give some input on your situation.I also went through a period in my relationship where I just didn't know if I could get past my girlfriends past and I actually considered ending the relationship.I talked it over with my pastor and I came to the conclusion that if God were to take my past into consideration He would condem me to hell and that would be justifiable,but as you know our past is our past and we need to look at people and try to see them as God sees them.I came to the point where I see Shelley(my girlfriend) as a child of God.Sure she has made mistakes just like me and I have to ask myself "am I going to hold her past against her and end a relationship that I believe God has provided me with or am I going to try and be like Jesus and not see the mistakes of her past".I have to choose to be christlike and cherish the child of God she is and love her.Maybe her past is haunting her and holding her back as well.The best thing I could suggest is to talk about it with her,pray about it and ask God for his input in it.Ultimately the Lord will provide you with an answer to your questions and he will guide you in your choices.Maybe the Lord has brought you together because you are the compliment she needs to show her what the mercy of God is and how the past doesn't matter it's all about where we are today.Good luck and God bless!



rocketman0621 -> RE: girlfriend's pre-christian past (8/4/2008 9:35:15 AM)

Hey,

You definitely are in a tough situation. But you are not alone. Recently I found out very similar news about my relationship that tore me up pretty bad. Finding these things out is not easy, but its always better to be sooner than later. I felt feelings of rejection, pain, anger, bitterness, lack of trust, lack of respect and many more. I wasn't sure if I could handle the pain of this past.

So I looked into God's word. Something I don't always do when I should. And I started reading devotions specifically about pain, and hurt, and most importantly FORGIVENESS. Jesus has wipes everyone's sins away if the just ask him to. No matter what they've done. None of us our perfect, but in Christ's eyes none of us is better than the other either. I've sinned. Plenty. I unfortunately had been in the same sin. Yet I found myself in disgust of their sin. This really didn't make sense. Then I realized that God was teaching me something. He was showing me the need of repentence and forgiveness. I realized that the pain I was feeling was the work of God in my life. Through all of this God was actually bringing me closer to him. My relationship has done wonders for my relationship with God and has brought me closer to him in ways I'd never imagine. This is what a Godly relationship should do. We are closer to each other and closer to Christ. Praise God!

First, you need to deal with your sin. Repent. Ask for forgiveness. If you want to help on this or guidance, just type "forgiveness" into the search box on the main page. This will help you in realizing a few things. Because your girlfriend has repented to God and asked his forgiveness, she is completely new in him. Everything she has done has been wiped away and are no longer a part of her. You must choose to see her as God does. Perfect and clean in his sight because of the sacrifice made with Jesus' death on the cross. When you take on this attitude, you'll stop seeing the sin and start seeing her.

As for the sex issue. What you must realize is that she never has experienced the love of a Godly relationship. The bond between two individuals in marriage with Christ at the center can never compare to anything else. So realize that if you two wed, the love you share will make the past irrelevant and you will share that gift that God has given. Two united as one. Without God you can't experience this. Only through him is this possible. So you do have something special to look forward to. You haven't been ripped off. And God will bless whatever you do if it is his will.

In all, look at the fact that after all of that Satan no longer has a hold on her. She didn't do these things to spite you or hurt you. She didn't even know you. But look at the fact that God has brought her to the place she is before she met you for a reason. And you are where you are for a reason. God has brought you two together, and though you may not know why right now, it will be evident in time. Look at it this way. God may have brought you into her life to show her what the true love of Christ is in a relationship. You may get to be the man who shows her that. I think that's a reward no one could measure. And God may have brought her in your life to help you in areas of struggle. You may not know it now, but maybe down the road if you two are still together you will realize God knew EXACTLY what he was doing. Just trust in him and stay strong. Continue to pray, and more importantly continue to forgive. Through forgiveness will come forget, and then healing. If anyone can help you overcome its God. If you intend to stay in this, and you should definitely let God decide this for you, then just realize its going to take some work but in the end you two will glorify God if it be his will.

Good luck my brother. And may God use you both for the glory of his kingdom.



hotrodkev -> RE: girlfriend's pre-christian past (8/4/2008 9:35:24 AM)

I'm going to address your facts and things about Virginity, here's the way I look at it. I had the same dream when I was younger, we all make mistakes, we do things for acceptance and to feel wanted. I'm living proof. Don't take her past and hold it against her, and really your scared that if and when you do she will feel like its not all that. Well man here's the deal, Sex is SEX, MAKING LOVE is SOOO MUCH MORE. Its a bond shared deep in the heart and soul and emotion, its a physical and emotional expression that is unsurpassed. I had the dream of finding the woman who had never been with anyone too, but I realized I Don't have an issue anymore cause of what I have done and gone through. So just look for someone like what you have, if you LOVE HER and Truly cant see 1 day without her, take a step back, relax and live life. Ive let things like this get to me and always seemed to rule my life for a bit, ask for strength and courage to face this, pray often and give it all to God, he will show you his way. Hope this helped!



Child4Jesus -> RE: girlfriend's pre-christian past (8/4/2008 10:58:41 AM)

My opinion is that a person's past should stay in the past unless in is affecting the present. Like any connections with past boyfriends/girlfriends.



creationtalk -> RE: girlfriend's pre-christian past (8/4/2008 10:58:44 AM)

I suggest that you make up your mind that the past is the past...and let it stay there. She is a new creation in Christ.

REmember, Rahab was a prostitute...yet after Jericho fell, she converted to Judaism (worship of the one true God) married an Israelite and is in the lineage of Jesus.

Decide if this is a real issue for you or not. If it really bothers you and you feel that you will be missing something if your relationship with this young woman goes to marriage, then I suggest you break off with her now. To continue a relationship when you feel this way will only hurt the woman involved.



DaveW -> RE: girlfriend's pre-christian past (8/4/2008 11:47:09 AM)

I would agree that it is better to release the past, and let it be.

You may consider weighing before God if you had made your future wife's virginity into an idol. If you have, you need to repent. We all have a past. We all have sinned and have fallen short of God's glory in innumerable ways, even after becoming believers.

Talk to your pastor or other mature christian counselor about your attitude. Do it NOW. To allow this to continue as is hurts everyone involved.



deermousie -> RE: girlfriend's pre-christian past (8/4/2008 12:04:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: creationtalk
REmember, Rahab was a prostitute...yet after Jericho fell, she converted to Judaism (worship of the one true God) married an Israelite and is in the lineage of Jesus.


This is so awesome!

Salmon begot Boaz by Rahab, Boaz begot Obed by Ruth, Obed begot Jesse, 6 and Jesse begot David the king. Matthew 1:5

Rahab was the great great grandmother of King David of Israel! Some of Jesus' human genes came from her. Wow.



jaimestarcross -> RE: girlfriend's pre-christian past (8/4/2008 1:14:09 PM)

quote:

Anyway, I'm interested in hearing people's general thoughts, but am especially interested in hearing from people who have entered into a christian marriage where only one person was chaste: I'd like to know whether that person felt "ripped-off" at all when it came to sex, whether the imbalance in sexual experience presented any obstacles and how they overcame them (or didn't), and whether that person had problems with thinking about their partner's history and how they overcame those.


* I was sexually abused as a child. My feelings as I grew older became like this --- I was taken advantage of by an adult drug user and that person took away my virginity but God restored my real purity and helped me to forgive the abuser(who said he didn't know/remember; he was doing some bad drugs for many years before getting free of them.) He now professes faith in Christ - the years of drug use has damaged his thinking and compromised his health. I confronted my abuser in 2002 while shopping at Kmart.

As for my marriage - my husband was a bit shocked when I told him but he didn't express any feelings of being "ripped off" he was genuinely sorry I'd experienced that as a child--- I floored him when I mentioned confronting my abuser in Kmart!



hotrodkev -> RE: girlfriend's pre-christian past (8/4/2008 1:17:57 PM)

agree here's the deal, leave the past behind it makes us all who we are today, I know that we cannot judge someone on their past, and it isn't our place to judge, but if someone keeps making the same behaviour then its for them to answer to themselves. She accepts her past and wants to change it, that's the kind of woman you need. Know that everyone is not perfect by any means, and whatever God Puts in your life, Love it, take care of it and be realistic about things. Have faith that you 2 are together for a reason. Past is regrets if you let them control your life. Let it GO, Move forward and lets Gods plan shine! It will work out in the end! No matter if y'all get married or part ways!



MC4JC -> RE: girlfriend's pre-christian past (8/4/2008 3:15:07 PM)

If all this happened before she was a Christian or a born again Christian and she has repented of her past sins, then she is made a new person - the old has passed away.

Both my husband and I were married to other people - before we became Christians in the true sense. We struggle a lot with "divorce" and the way God looks at it. But the fact that we did wrong things, and repented of them and turned away - became "new" again; God has blessed THIS marriage far more then we had in the old one - we did it God's way and he gave us our reward.



Wonder_Woman -> RE: girlfriend's pre-christian past (8/4/2008 4:18:56 PM)

I'm confused. You said

quote:

she'd slept with him. In fact, she'd had numerous sexual encounters

and then you said

quote:

she's never "gone all the way"

So, are you concerned that she's not a virgin, or are you concerned that she's "almost" had sex?

I'm not trying to be insensitive, but how old are you two?

When a person is younger, I can understand desiring to marry another virgin, particularly if you have been waiting until you are married.

However, as a person gets older, and especially if they are not saved, the chances of them having lost their virginity prior to marriage these days is not unusual. And of course there are lots of people who have been married and are divorced (or widowed at a young age).

I am coming at it from the standpoint that once a person has become a new creation in Christ, and they are repentant of their old ways (which includes sexual immorality), who are we as fellow humans and fellow sinners to continue holding it against them? Do they not deserve to have a clean slate? Sexual immorality is something that is discussed numerous times throughout the Bible, and yes, it is very important, but if it's something that is part of her past and she truly has put it behind her, why do you want to continue to hold it against her? If it's something that you feel you can overcome (extending her the same forgiveness that Christ has), and say you two become serious and end up getting married, will you throw this past sin at her during a future point in your relationship or marriage?

Just to contemplate: Have you done something in your past that you have repented of? Shed many tears over for the bad choice you made? If given the chance to do it over, you would have made an entirely different choice? Would you want someone you are considering a serious relationship with (marriage) to hold it against you?

Probably not.

I apologize if I seem a bit frustrated with this, but I know I have been forgiven of my past and all that it has entailed. I know I am a new creation in Christ. And I would not be with someone who would for a moment hold it against me.

Knowing about another's past can be painful, and her sharing it with you was probably quite painful for her to do. If you care about her and are considering a future with her, the very best thing to do would be to sit down with her, let her know how you feel, discuss it. Let her know - say the words out loud to her - that it does not affect the status of your current relationship. If you cannot do this, it is a stumbling block, and it will eventually need to be overcome. A relationship cannot thrive when walls have been built.



preserved -> RE: girlfriend's pre-christian past (8/4/2008 6:42:02 PM)

bergerac....You will find out that there are very few people who dates or married and one or both have not had sex. It is of the flesh which is hard to maintain control...with that being said...If you are seeking a female who has not had sex to date with hopes of marriage...then you need to find out that information up front before dating a person. It is not fair to hold your current friend for something she is not in your eyes.. Why are you judging her for the life style she led before you met you and the two of you starting going out....Hello..I think you just woke up from your fairy tale dream and now you do not know how to handle it...

Honestly...if you cannot get over her past then you need to move on and look for the woman that you are seeking..Keep in mind God does not condemn any who sins...He forgives us...He does not condone the sin...He and only He can cleanse us and make us whole...

Personally if I were this girl and I knew how you felt about my past...I would remove myself...because no matter what is said...you will always harbor these thoughts and feelings in your heart..until you decide to ask God to take a look inside of you and see what He finds.

I am not saying that you have no right to seek what you are looking for...but you were not honest with her in telling what your preferences are..



iluvatar -> RE: girlfriend's pre-christian past (8/4/2008 10:17:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hotrodkev

Well man here's the deal, Sex is SEX, MAKING LOVE is SOOO MUCH MORE. Its a bond shared deep in the heart and soul and emotion, its a physical and emotional expression that is unsurpassed.


Why don't we teach that in church? That's the truth. The unfortunate byproduct of trying to get people to abstain until marriage is that so many people get hung up on the issue of virginity that the don't see the other potential issues right in front of them.

In the grand scheme of things, this girl's virginity doesn't matter. At all.

But her issues with abuse and bad relationships with men - that can cause some real long-term damage and sabotage future relationships.

-Dan.



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