Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (Full Version)

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Homegrownkids -> Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 9:18:50 AM)

This isn't My Space, but it is through MSN.
She did this without permission and that is what gets me.
I would like to have her remove this, but I know it is going to be hard and I don't know how to go about telling her. I know she's worked hard on it. She has music videos from YouTube on it that I don't approve of, she has an "independant" world from us, that she is practically hooked to that I don't approve of. She has our family on-line photo albums on it, her age, where she lives. I didn't know too much about it until just recently. I've seen her working on a page, I asked her if it was My Space and she said NO, that it was part of her instant messenger...like her profile. So, I thought nothing of it. But today I looked at it more closely and I just don't like the whole idea. Sometimes I feel like I am trying to restrict her too much because most of her friends have this.... but I've seen a change in my DD and I don't know if it is her growing up, or because of influence from "hanging out" on the computer. My daughter is 13. Any advice? Should I close it down, or let her keep it? My DH is not happy with how much she is on the computer either. We've limited the amount, but she often "sneaks" on and then gets disciplined. With the summer months, it is harder to keep track of her computer time.



manda59 -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 9:41:30 AM)

IMO, MSN is far worse than MySpace, it's a snake in the grass for the situations it spawns, but maybe that's another thread altogether.

Homegrownkids, sorry if this is too direct, but you're the parent, so be the parent. She is your child and she needs protecting. She's a teen, she thinks she knows best but she doesn't. She needs you to set healthy boundaries for her, and doing things like this without your knowledge is not good for her. Firm up on things now, while you still can.

I'm just curious, why is it hard to keep track of her computer time? Is it in a public space in the house where anyone can see what she is doing? How long is she allowed on for each day? My dd is 14 and has to do chores in order to earn 30 minute slots on the computer, and it's for no more than an hour a day, and she always tells me what she is going to be doing with those 30 minutes, and besides, I am always around so I know what she is doing. My dd has Facebook and Bebo, but I set those up and I know the passwords.

I'd suggest you are very firm with your daughter, shut this MSN thing down (the space thing AND the instant messenger) and tell her that she needs to earn your trust back - and that then, and only then, will you consider letting her have something like this, and even then, it will be with you having the password and checking every day to make sure everything is ok.

Does she have her own email too? Do you have access to it?



IonMoon -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 9:44:36 AM)

I would probably allow her keep the page under the stipulation that she clean it up- remove any personal identifying info (I think photos are fine, but no town, last names, etc.)

As for controlling the time on... if she can't be trusted to control herself, I believe you can restrict the amount of time through your user preferences. If not there, you can get programs that will do the same & track where she goes.

Tara P



Homegrownkids -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 9:51:53 AM)

quote:

I believe you can restrict the amount of time through your user preferences.


If someone knows how to do this, can they tell me?

She is allowed 5 minutes for chores done dillegently and 5 minutes per chapter read in a book. THis is for computer and PS2 time, she chooses to use all her time on the computer, it cannot go over 50 minutes. Often times though, she walks by the computer and "signs in" to see if anyone is on-line. I CAN be more strict with this by really enforcing this better, and I WILL have her clean up her site. She represents Heaven, since she claims to be a Christian and She represents our family.... So I've come to this conclusion of taking certain music videos off her site. I've also asked my DH to put a password on his computer because she does sneak into our bedroom to use his computer when my computer (which is in a public place in our house) is set to password.

I guess sometimes it is nice to hear other parent's support..... Sometimes I wonder if her on-line friends even have parents:)



Mrs.Wifey -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 11:10:07 AM)

Password the computer and don't let her on. It's pretty simple, you just have to set up a password for the user profile(s).



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 11:50:11 AM)

Because of the sneakiness and dishonesty, I would be inclined to ban all computer activity not related to schoolwork. This isn't just breaking a rule or making a bad decision--it's a pattern of behavior that needs to be nipped in the bud.



mommyplus3 -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 11:50:29 AM)

i don't know a lot about msn, but my kids have myspace, im, and email, which i have all the passwords to. you can most definitely put a password on the computer to control the usage, if the need is there.

if it helps or gives any insight, this is what we do. we don't have set time limits on the computer, other than keep in in check. if it seems like to much 'nothing' time, then i will tell them it's time to get off. the rule is that there should be no secercy as to what they're doing - if you don't want me to see it, then don't do it ;o). we happen to give quite about of freedom. in the beginning, i checked their sites and emails everyday, but as they earned trust, that cut down. now i go on and skim the to/from, photos, etc once a week or so.

as for the teenie attitude, my 13 yr old dd has slipped into some of it at times - saying, 'i'm just a normal teenager - everyone does it.' my response to that is this: fine, want a normal teen attitude (mouthy, eyerolling, backtalking), then you will get normal teen consequences (grounding, lectures, loss of all privilages). in the long run, my kids have figured that they would rather suck it up, be kind, and allow my access to their computer usage. in the end, we are all happier. i, personally don't choose to lock them out, and take complete control, because i want them to learn self-control...not me controlling them. i set the boundaries, and they can choose whether to fall within them. my concern is if i set the boundaries so that they may not be crossed at all, then they will not learm how to say no when there's noone around to force them.

back to the op, i would definitely make your daughter follow your wishes (however far you want to go), give her the consequences, but give her a chance to earn back the trust. but as all things go, only we as parents know what is right for our own families and children, but it is always interesting and enlightening to read others opinions.

best of wishes <3



PrincessDonna -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 12:02:25 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair

Because of the sneakiness and dishonesty, I would be inclined to ban all computer activity not related to schoolwork. This isn't just breaking a rule or making a bad decision--it's a pattern of behavior that needs to be nipped in the bud.


I agree.

Trust is earned and she has not earned your trust. Computer use is a privilege which she has not shown herself responsible enough for at this time.

I say pull the plug. And then plug your ears so you don't have to listen to the whining that will follow.[:D]

Seriously, though...she is a child and she is not showing the ability to make wise decisions. That is DANGEROUS on the internet, where she will run into all kinds of people. If she were seeing some guy you had a million red flags about would you be afraid to restrict her? I hope not. She may be "seeing" 20 of them online and telling them where she lives.

Please, please, please...put your foot down and put it down hard.

Signed,
A former rebellious teen, right under my parents' noses, who very nearly destroyed her life by choices made as a teen[&:]



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 12:09:11 PM)

I thought I should expand on what I was thinking earlier. I said to ban it, and I meant that, but...

Basically it would be a step in a home rehab type program. She has lost your trust, as Donna said, and has put herself in danger. So she would need to be earning that trust back, and I would have a schedule of priveleges she would earn...for isntance, if after 3 weeks or so you feel she has behaved in a trustworthy manner, she can have her email back for 15 minutes a day, after a few more weeks, 30 minutes, etc.

The thing that concerns me is that you are NOT unreasonable parents, and so she has to have been hiding all this for a reason. I am worried that she is involved with someone or something online that she should not be. It sounds to me (and I could be completely wrong...this is all just forums talk, after all, I am not there) like it goes beyond thinking an hour a day isn't enough.

So, not only would I be banning her completely for the time being, but I would be reading the emails that come in, signing is as her on chat and seeing what 'friends' have to say to her, and checking the internet history.



Hislittleone -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 12:32:16 PM)

I'd definitely take off the personal info. If your dd is using the computer she needs to know rules about safety, kwim? The sneakiness is a real problem that needs to be dealt with. And I wouldn't be afraid to put my foot down were I you (I have a 12 yr. old). I also would take a good look around to see what I could find out about her online activity. Like Jenny said, she could be involved with someone online. My oldest has already been told that everything he participates in (which isn't much yet) like texting and such will always be open to being read by my husband and I should we feel there is a need for it. We will respect his privacy but only to a certain degree and his behavior will determine that degree.



manda59 -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 12:39:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair
Because of the sneakiness and dishonesty, I would be inclined to ban all computer activity not related to schoolwork. This isn't just breaking a rule or making a bad decision--it's a pattern of behavior that needs to be nipped in the bud.



I agree with Jenny.

She sneakily put this page up, and she's been sneaking onto her dad's computer. There needs to be consequences here otherwise it's giving the message that it's ok to be sneaky, that she can get away with being dishonest or deceptive.

I'd suggest too that you check her MSN chat logs. I know yahoo and other IMs have archive/log functions that you can activate, so I would think that MSN does too. It might help you find out exactly why she's been sneaking, why she's so keen to get online, why her attitude/behaviour has changed lately.



mommyplus3 -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 12:39:46 PM)

just a thought to add to my previous post...

another discussion that has helped with my children, is that everything that they do can tracked down. for instance, when applying for college or a job, the admissions/employer can and will likely do a search...and can potentially find every little thing you have ever done on the computer. that aspect alone has helped my daughter think twice about what she says and does or does not post.

and adding to the keeping track of them online...i google my kids every now and then - with them, and they are always amazed at what you can find.



paul_j_preston -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 1:34:19 PM)

Children today need to be computer literate, but I think there has to be age appropriate restrictions on what children can do online. I personally think 13 is too young for a personal space. If you want to comprise, however, because she has worked hard on it, let her keep the space but tell her you have final approval on what is posted there. It is our job as parents to teach kids to be safe online. We have to teach them to use the Internet intelligently. As for monitoring content, you probably monitor what she watches on tv, so you have the right and responsibility to monitor what she views online.

Not to alarm you, but many kids have two spaces: one for their parents and another "private" one for friends. It does not sound like she is doing this, but you might want to start monitoring her computer usage--there is software to make this easy Also by monitoring her computer usage you would know when she "sneaks" online.

As I recall you posted a topic on instant messaging. (I remember the beautiful flower above your user name.) I mention this because it sounds like you and your kids are really butting heads over computer use. I think you need a clear set of rules for the computer in your house. Decide on what is appropriate and what is not. Explain the rules to your kids and help them understand the reasons for the rules. Now your kids may not like your rules, but you are the parent and must do what you think is best for your kids.



Sadey -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 1:36:42 PM)

Please don't discount the danger you daughter has put herself in by putting her address on the internet with family pictures? I would be shaking in my boots.

A friend told me about a brother and sister at her school and her mom caught them with a man who inticed them across the state border to "take pictures of them" they snuck out and met him. This was in a small school and town in Kansas.

Don't be afraid to be the parent and take charge of this situation. If you wouldn't let your daughter wander around a big city in the middle of the night, then don't let her wander around on the internet.



jstbeliev -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 1:57:00 PM)

Hi guys,
Off topic but what does "DD" and "DH" mean? Sorry, never seen this one.

Is it dear daughter and dear husband?

Thanks



manda59 -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 1:59:03 PM)

Yes it is!



jstbeliev -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 2:14:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

Yes it is!



Seriously?!!! Wow. Thanks a lot!

God bless you,



paul_j_preston -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 2:24:33 PM)

One program for limiting computer time is called ComputerTime. It allows you to set total time per day and time per session. You can have different limits for weekends, vacations, or per child.

Here is the website for the program:
http://www.softwaretime.com/



Homegrownkids -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 3:36:40 PM)

Thanks for the info. on the software. I'm going to look into that.

Since my last post about the Instant messenging... I have monitored and checked her "history" posts and look at her emails almost daily and she has removed all passwords.

THis morning, we talked about her website and removing the disapproved material and she replaced it with Christian music. She also removed any books and movies she listed that she liked that she hasn't actually seen. We talked about how we represent ourselves and Christianity. She was more than willing cooroporate. I don't think she is trying to sneak a relationship, I think I would of noticed something particular going on with emails etc. Her "sneakiness" is more like.... dad said I could use his computer, when he actually said it yesterday.

These seem to be all kids her age and the conversations have been dumb. I did tell her that she got some good "wisdom" from one of her friends (telling her to secretly date her crush). I guess open communication is really a good thing and so is monitoring things!! That is the only thing that I didn't like to see on her email archives.

She also removed all personal information... age, city she lives in, etc.

I also talked to her about her self control. And, how if she can't discipline herself with time limits than we have to do it for her. Or, the consequence will be that she is done with the computer. So far so good. I am just a "nervous nelly" when it comes to this teen stuff[&:] Sometimes I feel like there could easily be a wall put up between us, but communication seems to bring the wall back down.



mommyplus3 -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 3:41:22 PM)

homegrownmom-

i think you hit the nail on the head!! communication is the key (imo) with our teenagers. i think sometimes we try to protect them, keep them in line, and maybe even control them, that we forget to listen to them. i'm glad it's working out for you [:D]



Row1 -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 4:21:45 PM)

quote:

She also removed any books and movies she listed that she liked that she hasn't actually seen.


In my house, that would be called a lie, and would result in no computer for a week, to start.



manda59 -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 4:41:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Homegrownkids
I am just a "nervous nelly" when it comes to this teen stuff[&:] Sometimes I feel like there could easily be a wall put up between us, but communication seems to bring the wall back down.


Communication is good, but so long as it is accompanied by firm wholesome boundaries.

You might like to get yourself a copy of this book:

Boundaries with Teens - when to say yes, how to say no by Dr. John Townsend



Leslie_JnJs_mom -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 11:06:19 PM)

DD dear daughter, DS Dear Son, DH Dear Husband



Roberta_ -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/16/2008 11:53:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair

Because of the sneakiness and dishonesty, I would be inclined to ban all computer activity not related to schoolwork. This isn't just breaking a rule or making a bad decision--it's a pattern of behavior that needs to be nipped in the bud.


That's what I did because my dd was behaving in a similar way with the computer.



locomom -> RE: Daughter has her own "space" on the computer (7/18/2008 1:09:55 AM)

Make sure your computer is in a "public" place in your home. Ultimately you can put a password on your computer. At 13 yo, we required my daughter to have either my husband or I with her when she went online.

I wholeheartedly agree with taking away her computer privileges since she has been sneaking onto it.



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