Do You Think I'm Going About This the Right Way? (Full Version)

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tigerfan88 -> Do You Think I'm Going About This the Right Way? (7/16/2008 3:07:21 AM)

Background info: My friend and I met last year (we're 21 and 19, both of us are Christians, though I am stronger in my faith than he is) and became quick friends. By this past March, he had already told me that he liked me in a more than just friends way, and I felt the same for him. We soon entered into a relationship which really wasn't much more than friendship, as we didn't kiss or hug or go out on dates (just hung out as friends). However, I had issues that came up with school and family, and wasn't able to see him as much as we should have. Two months later, we ended up breaking up. This was at first his initiation, but after a few days of cooling off, he wanted to try it again. I told him at that time that it wasn't going to work in its current state with everything we had going on, and it'd probably be best to take time away from it before we try again.

Things since then have been chilly at times, yet also very friendly. We've talked a lot, but have not seen each other in nearly three months. This is mainly my choice, as I just don't know what I'm feeling about him anymore. Some of the things that went down around the time of our break-up--such as him being distant and not telling me what he felt--hurt me. I still feel hurt over the loss of the relationship and how chilly he was during the last part of the relationship. I have not told him about this hurt. However, I still care greatly for him and know he's a great guy and has many of the traits I'd be looking for in a potential spouse.

I just can't see seeing him right now. I have so many other things on my plate, and I can't think too much about a potential relationship right now. But he is getting anxious to see me again, and I've kept giving him excuses for why we can't get together right now to hang out, even as friends. It just doesn't feel right at this time.

But what I'm wondering is, am I right to not tell him how some of his actions have hurt me? Or should I be telling him? Also, should I tell him how uncertain I am about getting back together? And why I don't want to spend time in person with him right now? He really is a great guy, and we really are great friends, so I don't want to do something that is going to ruin it all. But I'm just not sure what to do. Any advice?



car2ner -> RE: Do You Think I'm Going About This the Right Way? (7/16/2008 7:33:25 AM)

Be honest with him. Tell him that you just don't have the time to date right now and can only offer friendship. Life changes so much as a young adult. If you aren't sure if you can build this relationship you are kinder to let him go than to give false hope.



MWD -> RE: Do You Think I'm Going About This the Right Way? (7/16/2008 8:59:05 AM)

First of all, don't stress too much about his feelings. You are not responsible for them, he is. You have already been more than considerate. He knows where he stands. He simply chooses not to come to terms with that.

Yes, you are right in not telling him how his actions have hurt you. All that will do is create a huge ball of Let Me Make It Up To You energy at his end that you'll never struggle free of.

Yes, you should tell him that you are uncertain about being a couple again, and let him deal or not deal. That's his problem. He can wait or walk away. It's not like you're cramming him into a box with no way out. After 9,000 or 10,000 times he'll finally get it and go bother someone else.

Never worry about "ruining it all." This sounds dangerously close to what Randy Morrison calls "the treadmill of performance," where you live your life according to other people's opinions. You do what is right for you, okay? And if it lines up with what works for other people, fine. If not, then too bad for them.

Some relationships can not half-exist. From your friend's point of view, this is one of them. He wants to push it to some next level or at least get the old one back. You don't. So, not only must you risk something that might "ruin it all," you almost have to resign yourself to the probability that "it all" will in fact be ruined. You need to come to terms with that. Sorry for the bluntness, but this is just how it is when one person's in love and the other isn't. In the other person's mind, it's got to live or die; indefinite life support is not an option, because for him, that's the highway to the insane asylum. That's the road he's on now.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Do You Think I'm Going About This the Right Way? (7/16/2008 10:03:40 AM)

Be honest.

In any relationship you should be able to communicate one's feelings effectively so the relationship can grow/ and or mature.



deermousie -> RE: Do You Think I'm Going About This the Right Way? (7/16/2008 1:52:19 PM)

Love can always wait to give, but infatuation can't wait to get. I think this guy is showing a side of his character that doesn't measure up to "husband material." You need space to deal with life and it sounds like he's crowding you. You told him why but he's coming on to you anyway. That screams "selfish" to me. Immature.

There's a great Shakespeare quote that says "Love is not love that alteration finds." It took me forever to figure out what that meant [:D], but I think it means if your feelings change because your circumstances change, then it wasn't real love. His going chilly and warm sets up a red flag to me.

quote:

I have so many other things on my plate, and I can't think too much about a potential relationship right now. But he is getting anxious to see me again, and I've kept giving him excuses for why we can't get together right now to hang out, even as friends. It just doesn't feel right at this time.


Trust your gut and your head: it's not time for you two to be together, but he wants what he wants. That's not love. That you're having to make excuses tells me he's really pushy. NOT husband material. I'd throw this fish back into the lake and let it grow some more.


quote:

But what I'm wondering is, am I right to not tell him how some of his actions have hurt me?


Sure, tell him. Note if he gives in to you to avoid hurting you or insists you do what he wants. And see how consistant his actions are over the next few months. It will tell you a lot about what kind of husband he's going to make.


quote:

Also, should I tell him how uncertain I am about getting back together?


You've already told him. He's still crowding you. Telling him again what he's already heard is probably not going to make him suddenly slap his forehead and realize how selfish he's been.


quote:

And why I don't want to spend time in person with him right now?


Because you have a life that's bigger than a guy friend. Real life is like that. You have things to deal with, and he is a uncomfortable distraction and he doesn't want to stop being one. Are his actions screaming a message at you yet? They are to me.

quote:

He really is a great guy, and we really are great friends, so I don't want to do something that is going to ruin it all. But I'm just not sure what to do. Any advice?


This isn't "great friend" behavior. I think *you* are a great friend and he isn't. I wouldn't worry about ruining it because 1) God withholds no good thing so you can't ruin it (Ps. 84:11) and 2) if it's God's will then he'll be there at the right time. Your choice and his choice right now are to do the right thing: you, to deal with what God has allowed to be on your plate, and you've already told this guy this isn't the time for you and him; and him: to give you space to deal with your life and to trust God to meet *his* needs outside of you.

If you were my daughter, we'd talk over a nice meal and look to see where God was taking you right now and if this guy fits in. He wouldn't be my first choice for a loving husband who would live with you in an understanding way (which God commands husbands to do), because he is demonstrating a lack of understanding and is putting pressure for you to meet his needs while not making allowances for yours.

I'd add to this that you are still pretty young. I like to see education finished and guys in a career that can support a wife and family before marriage. People keep growing and changing until at least age 25 (don't faint!) and it's not a bad idea to wait if you can. If God makes it clear it's time to marry sooner, then do what He says.

I really like it that you guys have chosen to avoid physical involvement. Smart. And virtuous. You'll never be sorry later.

A man's character tells you how he will respond to the hard things of life as it goes. This guy needs a little polishing, I think, in Christian virtues. May God bless you both and protect you for and from the person you are to marry until the right time. I am praying for you today. (((Hugs)))



tigerfan88 -> RE: Do You Think I'm Going About This the Right Way? (7/16/2008 5:27:54 PM)

Thanks for the advice so far! I think I'll clarify some things, though. The first is that, when we broke up, we decided at that point to try things again in the Fall (when we're both back on campus and more able to get together). I told him what we needed was a fresh start, as it was not right from the start in that, it being my first relationship, I did not know how to act and how to progress in the relationship, which resulted in us not growing in it. We simply hung out as friends. But I told him that I definitely wanted to try things again, and only now am I feeling uncertain about even that.

He actually waited several months before he even told me he liked me. And then he waited a couple months more before he asked if I wanted to progress into a relationship beyond friendship. Throughout everything, it has seemed that he's wanted to take it slow and make sure that he's not moving too fast for me. So I'm not sure that he's really trying to be pushy now, as he never was earlier this year, I suppose that is possible, but it seems rather uncharacteristic for him. He was also there for me a lot last semester, was an amazing help to me in our class together, and has always taken my feelings into account. It is only over the past month and a half that things have been different in that he probably is unsure how to act around me. It's odd to go from friendship to relationship and back to friendship again with the hint of another try at the relationship.

I feel bad because, since he is my friend, I feel like I should at least meet him for lunch or something else at some point this summer. I mean, we're both in the same town, and given our friendship, it seems logical that we'd hang out once in a while. Yet, I've continued to tell him I can't, and a lot of the time, it's been because I really have had something come up (my dad's been sick, my sister is going through some things and needs our support, my dog has been sick and now requires a lot more care than he did before, I've been busy trying to work and earn the money necessary to take care of my dog and pay for college etc.), but sometimes I have told him no because I just did not think it was right. But I've always made sure to communicate with him, either by phone or email or IM, so we've kept up the friendship in that way.

It's really odd because I have mixed feelings about it. Knowing his personality, knowing the goals he has for himself, I do really like him a lot. But at the same time, I have this confusion about whether or not I'm really ready to begin a relationship. I've been thinking about it for a good chunk of this summer and haven't received an indication from God either way, which is frustrating, but I'm learning to be patient.

There's also things about him that I don't know. Such as his commitment to God, and if he shares the same beliefs I have regarding sex before marriage (I'm against it, and believe you shouldn't even rush into kissing and being physical at all). These are questions that may need to be answered before I feel comfortable with progressing.



shadowspring -> RE: Do You Think I'm Going About This the Right Way? (7/16/2008 7:22:31 PM)

Can you talk about these things over coffee?



slushie -> RE: Do You Think I'm Going About This the Right Way? (7/16/2008 8:28:00 PM)

About his commitment to God, and sex before marriage: these are things that you SHOULD talk to him about if you're planning to be in a relationship with him. Those are important.



tigerfan88 -> RE: Do You Think I'm Going About This the Right Way? (7/18/2008 6:51:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slushie

About his commitment to God, and sex before marriage: these are things that you SHOULD talk to him about if you're planning to be in a relationship with him. Those are important.


I agree, but how do you bring such a thing up in a normal conversation? I mean, this is literally the first time I've ever felt for someone in this way, so it's all new to me.



preserved -> RE: Do You Think I'm Going About This the Right Way? (7/18/2008 7:07:21 PM)

tigerfan88....Whether you realize it or not God has answered your prayer...You are to remain friends...You are having problems with being a friend and being in a relationship...I do not think you are ready to committ into a relationship at this time due to all of the circumstance you are undergoing at this time...trust you heart...the answer is there...you are looking for the answers from within yourself..You also need to know where he stands in regards to God...Just from what I am ready here...the two of you were never really in a relationship also because you keep referring to as friends..You do need to talk to him regarding your feelings to clear the air...and let God do the rest...



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