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RE: husband wants to return to gf now available - 8/4/2008 1:03:44 AM
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Beth67
Posts: 29
Joined: 7/4/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: newlywedat50
... we have free will. He has chosen to do this.
You're right...don't forget that.
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RE: husband wants to return to gf now available - 8/4/2008 1:12:56 AM
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wayward1
Posts: 231
Joined: 7/15/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: newlywedat50
I just walked out to the car and said THIS IS RIDICULOUS. You need to come inside. And by the way GIRL ON THE PHONE.........YOU WIN!!!
Instead of hanging up and asked her to hold on...... He came in and said I ruined his chance with her. Because she is such a great person to wait for him and know he has a wife and still be dedicated to him. She cheats on the men she is with..he told me that long ago before I was to know he loved her....... She is not being dedicated to him. She just wants a GOOD MAN as she says because they are hard to find. She knows exactly what she is doing. She is a fornicator and adultress.
I've just come the realization. HE NEEDS JESUS. He is NOT saved. He can't possibly be.
Now he is back outside on the phone with her
Thank him for being honest instead of just cheating and end it. Often times the man makes these decisions but keeps them to himself and puts your life in danger by having an affair. If he's telling the truth he's not as bad as he could be. He's bad, but not the worst. His behavior has no bearing on you as a person, but you don't seem to know it. Him not wanting to be with you doesn't make you less worthy, no matter how much it seems like it.
By fighting for him you indirectly admit you don't deserve better. But you do. We all do. We don't know you. Perhaps he deserves better than you. Perhaps you are the villain. Who knows? Relationships can really wreck you though, and it sounds like this one is just tearing you apart no matter how hard you try. You just can't ever know everything about what's in another person's heart or head and I can't help but insist that you should consider it a blessing that he's at least telling you about it instead of leading you on and using you and placing you at risk for all sorts of horrible stuff.
That may seem a little harsh but people go on for decades in bad marriages that they don't even know are bad. Imagine finding out in 20 years that you'd been living a lie all that time. He's giving you that 20 years back up front. Seriously, thank him, with a smile and say goodbye!
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RE: husband wants to return to gf now available - 8/4/2008 4:34:58 AM
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newlywedat50
Posts: 25
Joined: 7/15/2008
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Beautiful you guys. You are all very helpful. I know what you are all saying is true.
I know I don't deserve this. He told me I deserve better. I do appreciate his honesty.
He needs to leave and be healed or go on.
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RE: husband wants to return to gf now available - 10/26/2008 7:03:28 PM
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newlywedat50
Posts: 25
Joined: 7/15/2008
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I thought I'd update you guys.
August was devastating......explicit picture, movie exchanges, job shopping, wedding ring emails, flowers.
Sept 1st I decided to stop stressing about my husband and his gf. I started praying day and night. I lost 20 lbs. But I gave it all to God. I simply realized I was trying to handle it. I couldn't and I was showing little faith not allowing the Lord to handle this for me.
A few weeks later the marriage ministry at our church all went to see Fireproof the movie. My husband cried through out the entire movie....me too of course. If you haven't seen FIREPROOF with your spouse you are missing a blessing. Next Saturday there is a simultcast to discuss marriage and the movie. Nov 1st)
Anyway after my Sept 1st awakening I have felt totally at peace. I had blocked all calls, text and emails to his phone. I released all that and actually changed our cell plan so we could have UNLIMITED texting and lots of minutes of calls. And I told him so. This sounds so crazy. But the Lord made me know as we do with kids, anything that we press and block people from......that pressures makes it more desireable and intriguing. I told him I DON'T HAVE A CARE OF WHAT HE DOES. BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ANYWAY. I started to laugh again and be my old self. He asked me if I was crazy. I said no....just at peace.
I still cry and have difficulty watching him go outside to call her. I still feel very rejected when I get the cell phone bill and see all the calls.....but after I told him that........the calls became less frequent. He seemed to be feeling much happier because I wasn't pressing him about her. But it is obvious she is still in our life. He acts differently to me when he has been interacting with her and they have problems or she makes he FEEL LIKE A MAN.
Even with the Lord leading me, I got stupid. I am so starved for attention, hug, kiss, touch of someone that really cares about me..........that I reached out to an EX. I let myself slip to his level. My ex started writing him emails and saying Lord knows what. I never got with or saw my EX.....just a lot of emails and text.
I gave my marriage until Oct1st for things to get better. Then we saw FIREPROOF with talks about the LOVE DARE and 40 days. So I gave him (in my mind) until March 10th (our 2nd anniversary).
Just a few hours ago he told me he told the GF that the affair is over. No more text or calls! He says he told her in a text message. I think that's pretty sad.......doesn't sound like much love.
I cried and asked him well what does all this mean? Could I be happy? He obviously is sad. Now he's in bed with a headache. He said he discovered she didn't really love him, she has her own agenda....and that he was about to give up too much. He loves his wife, kids, church, life, job and family....which he takes away from because he has to find secret times and lie to get to places so he can call her....try to plan trips to see her.
Anyway, I'll see if this is real. I didn't know how to react. He is actually kind of angry with me. Someone told me he will miss her for awhile but once he decides to cut it off for real that it is a good start.
I've got my prayer hands up, my heart lifted, but my eyes opened
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RE: husband wants to return to gf now available - 10/26/2008 8:12:40 PM
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carl54
Posts: 66
Joined: 5/31/2005
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newlywed wrote: <I've got my prayer hands up, my heart lifted, but my eyes opened>
Way to go! Don't be fooled. Keep your trust in God and your eyes on him. Stay tough with your husband. If he want s to reconcile he needs to show true penetance and he should declare his undying love to you, unsolicited. From my view, until he gets to this point he isn't ready to be trusted. In these situations sometimes the offender goes back home because things got tough on the other side and not because they came to their senses and realized how valuable their family really is. Think of the prodigal son - he returned home contrite and broken hearted when he realized just what a creep he was. That's what you are looking for and until you get that, he isn't ready. I have a brother that did the same thing to his wife, ran off with a younger girl. He tried to reconcile a couple of times only for the convenience. It became obvious very quickly when one could see he really did not take responsibility for what he had done. I advised my sister in law to hold out and she did. Many months later he was ready and dying to get back with her. They are getting back together after two years of separation. Hang in there, but hold your husband accountable for his conduct and expect a full turnaround from him before you through open the door to your heart.
God bless!
_____________________________
Walk in the Sirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Gal 5:16
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RE: husband wants to return to gf now available - 10/26/2008 10:37:15 PM
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creationtalk
Posts: 701
Joined: 6/9/2005
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newlywedat50
I just read your thread. Didn't see it earlier. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. Many of the things you described in your marriage happened in my former marriage. It is very hard. I am praying for you and your dh. No advice. My story did not end well.
God's blessings to you.
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RE: husband wants to return to gf now available - 10/27/2008 1:23:04 PM
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tn1
Posts: 167
Joined: 9/22/2008
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newlywedat50,
I've only read your opening post, so unless things have changed, your husband is having an emotional affair and you need to treat this as strongly as you would a physical affair. A good book, "Surviving An Affair" by Harley and Chalmers is an excellent resourse. It's going to take some tough love to save your marriage, holding your husband accountable for his actions.
Blessings,
Sherman
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RE: husband wants to return to gf now available - 10/27/2008 2:57:34 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4183
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: newlywedat50
Just a few hours ago he told me he told the GF that the affair is over. No more text or calls! He says he told her in a text message. I think that's pretty sad.......doesn't sound like much love.
this is because affairs thrive in secrecy and are built on lies ... once this this darkness is exposed to light, the facade usually dissolves ...
quote:
ORIGINAL: newlywedat50
He obviously is sad. Now he's in bed with a headache. He said he discovered she didn't really love him, she has her own agenda...
i know it sucks but you will have to be strong during this time as affairs are like addictions ... your husband is going through withdrawal ... yes you were the betrayed one but have to show him you love him through your actions and thoughts ... it is likely he will be sad, moody, etc for some time (no way to tell) and hopefully he will resist contacting her again as the best way for addicts in most cases is cold turkey ...
quote:
ORIGINAL: tn1
A good book, "Surviving An Affair" by Harley and Chalmers is an excellent resourse. It's going to take some tough love to save your marriage, holding your husband accountable for his actions.
i agree with the book recommendation 100% by sherman however 'holding your husband accountable and tough love' are not part of harley's plan or book. basically seeing a movie isn't enough, it was a great rebuilding point, but you two got to this point on your own and will need to figure out how to make each other feel loved again and this book will help with that!
_____________________________
Photoblogging My Life
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out! Let him know you love him, but you are mad as hell and you would not put up with his childish ****. He is married to you! He should accept that and work to overcome his issues without dishonoring you. God would love to restore your marriage, and I am praying with you for that. That does not mean you simply lay back and take whatever he dishes. Tough love is the way to go.
