ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (Full Version)

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Bro.Walker -> ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/14/2008 1:07:38 AM)

OK .... it has been a while since i've been on here but i decided that i would visit and see whats new.
Also i had a serious question for everyone and i desspretly need advice for my ex-wife.

My son's mother and i have gotten a divore at the start of this year. I know that the bible say's that god hates divorce but the misery that we went throught had become unbearable for us but more for our son. But I am now experiancing the normal problems that divorced people have, and that is with my son... My ex-wife spends the majority of the time with our son ONLY because i work very very long hours (sometimes 14 - 18 hour days 5 to 6 days a week) and me watching him is close to impossible. in addition to that i am also in the army national gaurd so some of my weekends are taken as well. But as soon as i have free time i'm ALWAYS trying to find out if i can watch him and spend quality time. she understood that when we were together- nothings changed as far as my work schedual goes. The problem comes in where i want to see my son or call for him there is always a arugment that is made. I can't stand it! I try to call for him serval times a week to see how he's doing and talk to him but every single time i call she will not put him on the phone or tell me how he's doing untill she has argued me down about everything under the sun. When is the next time i'm comming to see him? when will i have his daycare money? (which i do pay every week) when will i do this or when will i do that?? why did i do this or why did i do that? Sadly to say i have grown so tired of this that i have decresed the amount of times that i call for our son because i dont feel like being botherd with 10 to 15 mintues worth of arguments before i talk to him. So since that has started happening she now goes around telling people like her family and people at church that i am a bad father and a dead beat because i don't call for him and check on him, now she's got everyone hating me and her brother wanting to beat me up because he thinks that i am a no good father. all because of the things shes said but when they see me personally they never ask me what happends. they believe everything she say's. i usually hear the things she say's from other people. And the situation is even worst when i go to pick him up. she acts so baligerant (i know that that is spelled worng). I absolutly hate calling her phone to talk to him because i know excatly what will happen and it does. Before anyone asks me yes- i have told her a thousand times that i don't like the arguing that goes on during the phone convo's. I'm not saying that she shouldn't say anything to me all because that is not realistic. all i'm saying is that there doesn't have to be a full blood bath before she puts him on the phone. The only one who understands me is my mother because whenever my ex-wife calls my phone and i may be busy at the time and won't answer she will call my mothers phone and start up with her, so she understands my point. One thing i am scared of is that my son will get the wrong impression about this and grow up hating me because of the way she makes me out to be. the last time i was with him i tried to explain to him the best that i could that everything he hears is not true but since he's only 4 i can't expect him to fully understand. I'm lost and i don't know what to do. I'm still in the process of getting child visitaiton established so i know that i can see him on certain days with no question asked but untill then it is a worldwind of problems for me to spend the much needed time with him. i really don't know what to do.



hotsaucygma -> RE: ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/14/2008 10:32:28 AM)

If visitation hasn't been established, I'm not sure there's much you can do. When you go to court for the visitation schedule though, you could ask that you pick your son up at a "visitation center" or a neutral parties address. That way your Ex wife drops him off and you pick him up without either of you seeing each other during the process.

Right now he's too young, but as he gets older I would think about getting him a cell phone if the phone call problems continue. That way you can call him directly and not have to talk to his Mom.

Naturally it would be best if you two could discuss things regarding your son in a non-confrontational manner. If it has only been a few months since your divorce, it may be that in time things will settle down and you will be able to do this. I hope so for your son's sake, and everyone concerned.



jaimestarcross -> RE: ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/14/2008 11:15:03 AM)

That's a lot of time to be away from your son and he's so young - that's probably why your ex picks on those points because this matter displeases her and she's holding bitterness against you because this pattern of you being gone so much causes problems for her(not to mention your child) and it's not being addressed (by you)? or have you tried to address the long work hours and being in the National Guard so your son doesn't grow up without his dad having a steady active role in his life?

If you want your son to see you in a good light then changes have to be made - show consistent visitation manner, not an erratic one. Being there in his early years is very important - make the father & son bond now because later on it's very difficult to establish that when he's a teen and his mom has had all those years to feed him her own version of "your dad is bad".



seagullplayer -> RE: ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/14/2008 11:37:45 AM)

In 20 years your son may ask you why you where not around more when he was growing up.

Do you think your work will ask you that in 20 years?

Changes need to be made...

Pray



evryknee -> RE: ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/14/2008 6:15:01 PM)

How old is your son? Letters, cards, e-mails, etc are other forms of communication that can be used. Visitation schedule is good - perhaps planning it a month in advance when you know your work schedule... Maybe only communicating with your ex via e-mail. How would she respond if you mentioned to her that because of the arguments, you have called less... That you would like to call more and would ask that when you call, she just hands the phone to your son... That you will speak to her only one time a week (after the daycare $ is paid)?



NotDoneYet -> RE: ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/14/2008 6:55:29 PM)

Bro...
Maybe you need to decide what is more important...work or your son...

I had the same "discussion" with my husband about his 12 hour days (14 with commute). I hated being a "single parent" to our 2 little ones, ages 3 and 5. I finally sat him down and asked him what was more important...the overtime or the children.

He made his choice...he cut back his hours, quit working weekends...

And, by the way...he did 24 years in the navy, both active and reserve. When he was a reservist, he didn't work any other weekend...period

It's a matter of priorities...and it's not "watching" your son, it's parenting your son.

Remember that...your job doesn't care if you show up or not...but your kid does.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/14/2008 7:16:09 PM)

Pardon me if I missed this in your post....but what does your parenting plan/custody agreement say? I believe mine says 'reasonable telephone contact' and if she is denying you this parental right, then you can take her back to court. You should not have to put up with her tirades and refusal to allow you to parent your son.



Sadey -> RE: ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/14/2008 7:33:24 PM)

Please don't call less because of your wife. Document everything, every call you make write down and how much time she rants at you. When she starts in ask her if she is going to allow you to speak to your son, and continue to ask her that, don't argue with her. Also have your mother write down everyttime she verbally abuses her. Documetation goes a long way in court. I imagine this is all a continuance of your marriage? So this can't be a surprise. Probably the divorce is too fresh for either one of you to handle this calmly.
The suggestion of a neutral place for picking up and leaving is excellant.
I hope you can do something about the long hours. No one can work that many hours and have any kind of a life.



Bro.Walker -> RE: ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/15/2008 1:07:26 AM)

well..... i will say this one thing. She does meniton alot about my work schedual being so hectic. But the thing is i work a very demanding job. in addition to me being in the army national guard. There is not much i can do with my job but quit. When i got hired this is one of the things that was explained to me from the very start! The biggest problem for me is that my job pays well but i'm scared that if i leave my job i might not find another good job. I'm a young 24 year old black male with no college degree. getting a decent job that pays well for me is close to imposible. i spent four months trying to look for a job before this one and only papa johns was willing to hire me. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, do i quit my job and lose everything i got to be with my kid?



hotsaucygma -> RE: ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/15/2008 9:23:16 AM)

You are in a tough spot. I would not suggest quitting your job right away- and if you ever decide to do so to have a new one lined up first. You have to financially support your child too, afterall. Do you at least have the flexibility to set one weekday evening and one or two weekends to spend only with your son? Time with him is extremely important.

I think the idea of not arguing with your Ex-wife is a good one- the repeated asking "Are you going to let me speak to ______?" instead of answering her, also the documenting the conversations for any court apperances.

Hopefully things will get better... it is all so new and the pain so fresh that right now is pretty volatile.

Good luck to you!!



lastblast -> RE: ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/15/2008 9:24:07 AM)

Brother Walker,

Keep your job. It is important that you have the means to take care of your family. Your wife will have to understand that you won't be able to pay day care and such if you are out of work and more available for your son. Keep trying to talk with your son..............keep praying that the Lord will move in your wife to soften her. I pray that you both work out your problems so that your son can have a happy, intact family to grow up with.



pbaribeault -> RE: ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/15/2008 1:52:11 PM)

Brother, I have one thing to say: pay the piper.

If you want to be the best kind of dad you can be, then no one can stop you.

Your ex-wife can make 15 minutes of your whole day living hades... so what?
She can tell lies about you and influence your reputation... so what?
Pay the piper means putting up with her being unpleasant as what you have to 'pay' to have contact with your son.

You need to be a parent. Your son needs you. God entrusted a boy to you, and you had better live up to your duty. No matter what.

I'd suggest that you started the road to this mess when you took a job knowing it would severely cripple your ability to be a family man. So, pay the piper, deal with what has come out of what you chose... now you have an even harder parenting job.

In an ordinary situation most working fathers spend about 3.5 hours per weekday and 24 hours on the weekend with their kids... 41.5 hours = a full time job.

That's tough to accomplish now that you are not sharing a home with your son (and it wouldn't be fair to your wife) so, set yourself a modest goal for how many waking hours you will spend parenting your son. Say 20 hours, or even 15.

Clock yourself:
About 45 minutes per weekday day on the phone (including listening to your ex-wife) = 4 hours
One afternoon off work to be with him & have supper = 6 hours
Picking him up to take him to daycare, or drop him off, instead of your ex-wife = 1.5 hours
A weekend day, every second weekend = 10 hours

That would do it. And it needs to be done. You just can't let anything stop you from being a father to that boy. Not insecurity, not fatigue, not patriotism, not frustration, not obstruction... NOTHING!

If you can't actually be with him for the whole time for some reason on a given week, or if you are working towards being able to meet this, you should spend the time doing something FOR him. Like packing him 5 lunches per week to take to daycare (you can pack them all on the same day if you have 5 bags) or mowing the lawn at the house where he lives (with your ex-wife's permission, but not when she is home to harass you) or making a model or a toy that he will enjoy, or writing him a letter, or reading stories into a tape recorder in your voice.

Whatever you need to drop to take care of the most important job you have, you just need to drop it. Those 20 hours are spoken for. They come first, because it's not fair to cheat your boy just to get ahead in the world.



daisies4u -> RE: ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/15/2008 2:27:14 PM)

quote:

Sadly to say i have grown so tired of this that i have decresed the amount of times that i call for our son because i dont feel like being botherd with 10 to 15 mintues worth of arguments before i talk to him


Maybe you need to re-read what you just posted!!!! You don't feel like being "bothered" with 10-15 minutes of arguing JUST to talk with your son.

I apologize if this sounds judgemental, but it sounds like you need a new attitude. Exactly what is worth to be able to talk to your son? He is the innocent party here. You and your wife are the ones who created this situation. Now it is time to buck up and be a man, better still to be a father. Your X cannot stop you from being be best father you can be. Don't let who she is determine what kind of father you are. Yes, you may have to jump through her hoops, but your son IS worth it.

I promise you, if you don't let her see you getting rialed up when she starts in on you, eventually, she will stop. The pleasure for her will be gone, because she is not getting what she wants. Just answer her questions, don't offer explanations or give more information than what she needs.

Please remember the greater picture here. A little boy who needs his father. A Godly, Christian father who will set an example for him on how to be a man.



Bro.Walker -> RE: ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/15/2008 9:39:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: daisies4u

quote:

Sadly to say i have grown so tired of this that i have decresed the amount of times that i call for our son because i dont feel like being botherd with 10 to 15 mintues worth of arguments before i talk to him


Maybe you need to re-read what you just posted!!!! You don't feel like being "bothered" with 10-15 minutes of arguing JUST to talk with your son.

I apologize if this sounds judgemental, but it sounds like you need a new attitude. Exactly what is worth to be able to talk to your son? He is the innocent party here. You and your wife are the ones who created this situation. Now it is time to buck up and be a man, better still to be a father. Your X cannot stop you from being be best father you can be. Don't let who she is determine what kind of father you are. Yes, you may have to jump through her hoops, but your son IS worth it.

I promise you, if you don't let her see you getting rialed up when she starts in on you, eventually, she will stop. The pleasure for her will be gone, because she is not getting what she wants. Just answer her questions, don't offer explanations or give more information than what she needs.

Please remember the greater picture here. A little boy who needs his father. A Godly, Christian father who will set an example for him on how to be a man.


don't take this the wrong way. I love my son with all my heart but who "wants" to be called names and insults when your trying to do the right thing? Just imagine for what every reason you and your spouse divorced and you were held back from seeing your kid but everyday you try to talk to him you are insulted and called names and slandered in the process! i don't care who you are you will become discourged. Anyone would. in fact this is the very reason why we split in the first place because our chemistry was not there anymore. fights broke out constantly and our son was effected in so many ways.

But i do like what one poster posted.... pay the piper! i think that this is my cross that i'm going to have to bear! i don't think that there is an easy answer to this. only helpful ones!



Sadey -> RE: ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/15/2008 10:08:44 PM)

Your ex-wife is your cross to bear, you are right about that, maybe if you can think of her that way it will help. Your son is your blessing and joy.

I feel bad for you because I'm sure you didn't want it to end up like this.
I did like what one poster said about not quiting your job now but to be looking for another and keep working this job. That way you could take your time and not have to settle. It won't always be like this it will get better and I hope you won't give up being a hands on Daddy.



daisies4u -> RE: ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/16/2008 11:25:56 AM)

quote:

love my son with all my heart but who "wants" to be called names and insults when your trying to do the right thing?


I understand that completely. But you also said that you had stopped calling as much because of that. That is what I meant by you can't let her control what kind of father you are. Just because she rants and raves at you when you call is no reason not to call. What you can control is your reaction to her. Can you set a schedule time to call each week?

I understand being discouraged, but think about your son. He not only deserves his father, he is entitled to one. IMO, it is a cop out to back off being the kind of father you want to be just because it is tough.



Bro.Walker -> RE: ex-wife/ son problems - need advice (7/16/2008 11:46:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: daisies4u

quote:

love my son with all my heart but who "wants" to be called names and insults when your trying to do the right thing?


I understand that completely. But you also said that you had stopped calling as much because of that. That is what I meant by you can't let her control what kind of father you are. Just because she rants and raves at you when you call is no reason not to call. What you can control is your reaction to her. Can you set a schedule time to call each week?

I understand being discouraged, but think about your son. He not only deserves his father, he is entitled to one. IMO, it is a cop out to back off being the kind of father you want to be just because it is tough.



yeah... now i deffinetly see what your saying. You do make sence!



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