Engaged and living together (Full Version)

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MENU4EVR -> Engaged and living together (7/12/2008 4:08:16 PM)

Hello I feel as though I have a doozie. I am fairly new to being a christian and I met my now fiance while attending bible studies. I needed a room to rent since I moved out to this new state and did not know anyone. And well long story short we live together. Which I know the bible says is wrong to do before marriage. I barely make any money and just found a church that we both really enjoy but we are not planning to be married till next year since we cant afford it. We are both going through hard finainacial struggles fighting for custody of our kids. If somehow we were able to just get married it would look bad for our court custody cases like we were rushing for some reason but neither of us can afford to live separatly either. Any suggestions? Blessings



NotDoneYet -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/12/2008 4:28:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 1XG

Hello I feel as though I have a doozie. I am fairly new to being a christian and I met my now fiance while attending bible studies. I needed a room to rent since I moved out to this new state and did not know anyone. And well long story short we live together. Which I know the bible says is wrong to do before marriage. I barely make any money and just found a church that we both really enjoy but we are not planning to be married till next year since we cant afford it. We are both going through hard finainacial struggles fighting for custody of our kids. If somehow we were able to just get married it would look bad for our court custody cases like we were rushing for some reason but neither of us can afford to live separatly either. Any suggestions? Blessings



Let's see...neither one of you can afford to support yourselves, you can't afford a wedding and yet you both plan to get custody of your children?

I think maybe some serious re-thinking of career choices and financial goals is in order before thinking of marriage or custody of children...

The moving out of state thing...is this the state where your children currently live? If not, you might have a real long, uphill road to get custody.

My advice, get yourselves financially stable enough to support yourselves and any children, separately. THEN discuss marriage.

NDY



jaimestarcross -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/12/2008 4:42:29 PM)

If you aren't doing things "right" then perhaps it's best that you find
someone to share a place(female w/ female roommate - male w/male roommate).

*As for the court cases and custody issues - being engaged
appears to be rushing into things as well since neither one of you
is on firm grounds (financially or emotionally). Please take time to carefully consider what you are doing ...getting engaged/ or married when both of you are involved in custody battles... it sounds "too risky" to me - to get involve with someone during such an emotionally draining (not to mention financially draining) time... just something for you and her to think about. Even if you both win your cases it's too soon to overwhelm yourselves with so much in a relationship/engagement when you've just gotten custody of children. Don't rush into a relationship/engagement/marriage when you both have histories of broken marriages or broken love relationships that produced children.
I think some counseling would be helpful for both of you.



MENU4EVR -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/12/2008 5:22:33 PM)

We have been dating for 2 years. I just recently changed my career path and am now working for a christian non profit organization. We were engeged for about 6 months when my ex decided she wanted to have sole custody of my kids. I am not neccasarily going for full custody but I dont want to loose my kids either. Plus she is a non believer and wants to take away my rights as far as their religious upbringing since I now take my kids to cuhrch.

My fiance is in a similiar battle. Her kids dad met someone online and now wants to move across country with them. I am only financially broke due to 2 lawyers along with other court associated costs. It drained all money we were saving.



GregandJenny -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/12/2008 5:41:15 PM)

why not go to the JP and get married?



MENU4EVR -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/12/2008 6:20:29 PM)

I really would like to but I fear it may have an impact on our court cases. Honestly if these trials had not come up I think that would have been a great idea but now Im worried as to how the court might view that.



Focusing -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/12/2008 6:43:06 PM)

First, are both of you considering what is in the best interests of all your children?

Next, is it necessary to have attoneys involved? They are incredibly expensive (as you both well know). Having been there myself, and having observed many others going through the same situation, we all end up meeting with the mediator, who questions your motives, and works out a custody plan between the parents of their respective children, who then provides it to the judge to make it final. In hindsight, I truly believe the vast majority of the $$ I spent on the attorney was a complete waste. Not to mention a huge unnecessary waste of time. All the judge is concerned with is what's best for the children. He/she isn't concerned about you or your ex or what you want, and badmouthing them (the ex) will only serve to incur a negative opinion against you.

Third, why not get married? If you two love one another ... wouldn't it demonstrate your commitment toward one another?


As far as living together ... is it as roommates or are you shacking up in a pseudo marriage?



MENU4EVR -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/12/2008 8:00:24 PM)

I truelly believe I have the best interest of my children. I would not like them to be raised in a home where their mother drinks alot and parties with them there or leaves them at home by themselves. I am also concerned about their upbringing. She is an athiest and likes to read about witchcraft and practice some of it. Not like seances or dancing around cauldrons but keeping a broom by an entrance is supposed to keep away spirits.
I wish it wasnt neccasary to have attournys involved I truelly tried not to. I went to a few paralegals and they were as good at reading the court paperwork as I was. They read it back to me word for word and it still didnt make sense. The attorny explained to me that my kids mom was asking for drastic changes and limiting what I am able to do with my kids.

I belileve my fiance is doing whats best for her kids as well. Thats a whole nother mess wraped up in itself. Her childrens father lives with her parents.

I feel (again I may be siding on this but please hear me out) that he is a grown man and if he cannot live on his own and cook his own food and wash his own clothes than he probably should not be trying to raise kids. His fiance is still married and living with her ex husband ( I know I know sounds like an episode of Jerry Springer) He also leaves the kids at home with her parents to watch them whenever he needs to go out with the guys. Now Im not saying I am holier than though or anything please do not think that. I know Jesus was the only perfect person who ever walked the earth but shouldnt someone who wants to raise a family and show he more responsible not live at home? Maybe we should just get married



Kat_D -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/12/2008 9:35:36 PM)

Are you having sex?



beachcooky -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/12/2008 11:32:00 PM)

The Bible doesn't talk about that you SHOULDN'T live together before marriage. But it says you should wait until after marriage to have sex. But anyways, if you live together before you're married, temptations will fly around. "Oh, I want to do this." "I want to do that." Which can be REALLY bad.

This is just my opinion. I wouldn't live with someone that I'm engaged to, only because temptations will happen. For me, I like to AVOID temptation. I would just WAIT until marriage.



PatricksPeaches -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/13/2008 1:21:49 AM)

All I have to say is that you both need to step back. These kids are probably very confused. This one is with that person and that one is living with this one. Confuses me even. Is it fair to uproot kids just for our own gain? You are not financially stable or able to support yourself let alone a wife and x many children. I would find a same sex roommate or family to live with and go through the court process with an open mind and then think about marriage. Children need stability and it doesn't sound like they are getting that in either case.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/13/2008 1:53:30 AM)

questions:
How can you and your fiance - who've been dating for two years and are
now engaged wreck/hurt your court cases by getting married? Are you equally concerned that living together is hurting/harmful to your court cases and to your Christian testimonies/faith?

Quoting you: " I would not like them to be raised in a home where their mother drinks alot and parties with them there or leaves them at home by themselves. I am also concerned about their upbringing. She is an athiest and likes to read about witchcraft and practice some of it"... and that's not hurting her case?

*When you discovered your children were being left alone - & you reported this bad behavior by your ex to the proper authorities? What were the results?
Has her behavior/activities changed?



ChoirDJ -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/13/2008 2:22:19 AM)

There are so many red flags about your situation that it isn't even possible to list them all. Some of them were already raised by the previous posters. Have either of you gone to a divorce recovery group like DivorceCare to address the issues that led up to the broken marriages? If not, I strongly suggest tht you do or the odds are very high that you'll be divorced again, The children involved really don't need all the drama you two are adding to their lives on top of everything else. It really sounds like you two need to slow this relationship way down and take it a step at a time.



Kath -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/13/2008 2:31:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MENU4EVR

I really would like to but I fear it may have an impact on our court cases. Honestly if these trials had not come up I think that would have been a great idea but now Im worried as to how the court might view that.



and you think living together with someone will somehow appear better to the courts than being married?



ebony101 -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/13/2008 5:35:32 AM)

I don't think that living together will have a positive effect on your court cases. I can't speak from experience but from watching shows on TV, if one partner is living with someone else (w/o being married) the other partner can use that as a point against them.



Sadey -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/13/2008 6:01:53 AM)

I'm thinking that the judge might not look too kindly on your living arrangments and just might think they are as unstable as the other parents. Hmmm, a mom who drinks and parties versus a dad who is living with his girlfriend because hes too broke to get married ?,and then there is the dad who living with the grandparents versus a mom who is living with her boyfriend because she is too broke to get married? but both think they can support a house full of kids?

Saying you are a Christian probably would not hold a lot of water with a judge. Actually it might be best if you didn't tell anyone.

Are you missing the whole point here? You are a Christian, you are telling everyone you are a Christian, you are going to church, you are working with a non-profilt Christian organization versus you are living with your girlfriend. Am I the only one who sees the elephant in the living room?



fluffmonkey -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/14/2008 10:35:17 AM)

I think you should really take some pray time and pray about all the situations, I think either you should get married or maybe she can find roomate from church for time being... things need to get settled some.

((praying)) for your situation.



MENU4EVR -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/14/2008 10:44:33 AM)

Well thank you for you opinions. I greatly appreciate them all. I must admit I am fairly new to being a christian and was not one when I moved in with my now fiance. I believe being a christian is believing that christ died for my sins. I know that I am not living by example and want to correct that.

As for my kids I love them and want the best for them. I am willing to fight for them any way I can in court. I will put my trust in God and whatever decision is made by the judge I will live with and trust in God.

I dont see me moving in with roomates anytime soon. Unfortunatly.As far as not telling anyone Im a christian? Im not quite sure on that one. That actually hurt a little maybe your right. I am being a bad example of what a christian is. As a matter of fact I held of being a christian for a long time due to all the hipocracy I saw in christians.

As far as reporting their mom. I have done that and nothing was done by the cps.

I have also gone to divorce classes,marriage classes. I have been divorced for over 8 years. My ex decided a career choice as a private escort.

Well I suppose I am done for now. I have a lot of praying and conversing with the lord on this one to continue doing. Thanks so much everyone
Maybe marriage sooner is my only option in all of this.



Kat_D -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/14/2008 11:11:38 AM)

The Bible says, "Choose this day whom you will serve." In your life (the way it is right now) you are not serving God. I pray He gives you the grace to make the right choice today...it may be the last day you have.



1mlasp -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/14/2008 1:01:13 PM)

quote:

I have a lot of praying and conversing with the lord on this one to continue doing.
Good! This is exactly what you should be doing.

I don't see how marrying now would be "rushing into things" for someone who has been divorced for eight years. Recently divorced, yes. For you, no. How long has your fiancee been divorced?

Where are the kids now? Have you been taking them to church? Having established this would be a positive in the court's eyes.

quote:


We are both going through hard financial struggles fighting for custody of our kids.
What do you think your financial position will be after these financial expenses?

Your kids would respect you more as a Christian if you and your girlfriend/fiancee were not living together right now. You both should try harder in the roommate hunt. Make posts at church, supermarkets, Craigslist, etc.

I truly truly truly believe that our God is much bigger than your problems and will provide a better life for you, your fiancee and your respective kids. But you have to do it HIS way, not yours. What this means in this specific situation, I don't know. I just know that it does not include compromising Christian morality. If I can make a few suggestions...

1. Stop having sex (if you are)....unless you get married now....then you can have all the sex you want, I guess.
2. Find more appropriate living arrangements for both of you.
3. You can only work on you. Yes, relatively speaking (going only by what you described), your home would be a more stable environment than that of your ex's, but our God isn't into relative morality. He wants you to get youract together. So don't badmouth her to make yourself look better (especially around the kids).
quote:

As far as not telling anyone Im a christian? Im not quite sure on that one. That actually hurt a little maybe your right. I am being a bad example of what a christian is.
Well, clean up your act a little bit and you won't have shot your witness all to heck. Quit beating yourself up about things and be willing to accept God's GRACE!



Mrs.Dawgfan -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/14/2008 4:02:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MENU4EVR

Hello I feel as though I have a doozie. I am fairly new to being a christian and I met my now fiance while attending bible studies. I needed a room to rent since I moved out to this new state and did not know anyone. And well long story short we live together. Which I know the bible says is wrong to do before marriage. I barely make any money and just found a church that we both really enjoy but we are not planning to be married till next year since we cant afford it. We are both going through hard finainacial struggles fighting for custody of our kids. If somehow we were able to just get married it would look bad for our court custody cases like we were rushing for some reason but neither of us can afford to live separatly either. Any suggestions? Blessings


Welcome to CW Menu4Ever and welcome to the family of G-d! [:)] I commend you coming here to seek advice. Being a new believer can be tough sometimes unless you have the right support and people around you to help you in your journey.

You moved in as roommates, before you got together right? No where in the bible does it say that living together is a sin. Like one poster mentioned, living together will only increase the chances of temptation. The other thing about living together is that others will see you and make their own judgments about your situation (whether believers or non believers). I don't believe it's right to judge you in your situation. I know it is possible to live together and not have intimacy and your living situation has to be something just between you and G-d. If you feel in anyway that living together will make another person stumble or make yourself stumble then pray and do what you feel in the Spirit is right.

You are engaged and this is a huge time for you and your fiance. It is a time to really get to know each other, plan the future and focus on each other. It is even tougher when you have kids and a custody battle involved. Take things a day at a time. Don't rush just because you are living together. If living together is becoming a problem then G-d WILL open the doors for you and give you that opportunity to live elsewhere for the time being. It's all about trusting in Him. G-d will know exactly what is best for you. Often times you know if something is of G-d if you receive several confirmations that it is. Listen to what others are saying but pray on each advice you receive about anything. Sometimes there are people who truly do not have your best interests at heart and those are the ones that are the most judgmental.



SusieQ567 -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/15/2008 10:49:58 AM)

Menu, Hey there...sorry about you having such a rough time. I am divorced and have been a single mom before, never thought it would happen to me for sure. Listen, legally, it actually looks worse if you are living with someone and you guys are not married if either one of you really wants to get custody of your children. Get a financial plan, consult your pastor, and get yourselves in a stronger position.The first thing the judge is going to say is that he wants to see more stability in every way...sorry sweetie, but that's the truth. Im sure you know about the moral/Christian issues as well. You can do the right thing.



Roberta_ -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/15/2008 11:34:53 AM)

Hi MENU4EVER and welcome to the forums!


quote:

ORIGINAL: MENU4EVR

Hello I feel as though I have a doozie.


You do, but it's not too much of a "doozie" for Christ.

quote:

I am fairly new to being a christian and I met my now fiance while attending bible studies. I needed a room to rent since I moved out to this new state and did not know anyone. And well long story short we live together. Which I know the bible says is wrong to do before marriage.


Then that means stop doing it. There are no excuses, just justifications for disobedience.

quote:

I barely make any money and just found a church that we both really enjoy but we are not planning to be married till next year since we cant afford it. We are both going through hard financial struggles fighting for custody of our kids.


It doesn't cost much to get married.

quote:

If somehow we were able to just get married it would look bad for our court custody cases like we were rushing for some reason but neither of us can afford to live separately either. Any suggestions? Blessings


Two years of dating is not rushing.

quote:

I just recently changed my career path and am now working for a christian non profit organization.


Does this Christian company condone fornication?

quote:

Maybe we should just get married


Correction. You should refrain from sin or the appearance of sin. It sounds to me like there is more to keeping you from getting married than just finances. Have you both worked through the issues of your previous marriages?

quote:

Maybe marriage sooner is my only option in all of this.


An option for what? Better finances? Custody of your children? I can think of better reasons to marry than those.

quote:

I know that I am not living by example and want to correct that.


You're on the right path.



JesKlu -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/15/2008 4:07:33 PM)

Hello MENU4EVR!

Here is my 2 cents. The bible doesn't say living together is a sin, but having sex before marriage is. If you moved in with her as a roomate, and are not intimate, then I think you are ok, but there will be people who will judge you and think you are committing fornication. If you are having sex though, stop. But I am of the opinion it is possible to live together and not have sex before marriage. I basically agree with Above_All on this one.

If you are sinning sexually, stop. But if you aren't, and you are just living as roomates, then you're ok, but expect judgement from others.

Your sister in Christ Jesus,
Jessica



buckifn -> RE: Engaged and living together (7/15/2008 4:51:20 PM)

quote:

and you think living together with someone will somehow appear better to the courts than being married?


exactly


The best advice I can give you other than what was said above is get your own life together before you even THINK of a relationship with another person that may lead to marriage, and model Godly living before you even try to get custody of your kids.

Your priorities are mixed up. Life works best when we put God first and then if our marriage has already failed and custody of children is an issue...it's best to establish your own self emotionally, spiritually, financially, and morally before approaching a Judge or anyone else asking to have your kids back in your life.

If I were their case worker you would have to show me how you have done the above before I would even consider discussing the options about your kids.



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