Why the urge? (Full Version)

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DreadPirateRandy -> Why the urge? (7/4/2008 5:34:45 AM)

Why is that when two individuals, almost immediately following marriage, they have such a strong desire to have children?

It seems it has become the stereotype for newlyweds to be expecting to have a child within the first year they've been married.

It makes me wonder what the motives behind marriage are. Originally, I thought marriage was a concept which two fleshes becomes one, as a united unit. However the contrary, marriage to some is a concept where you're doing it for the sake of having children. I think that is the wrong intention of marriage and should never be a primary reason to get married.

I know I'm going to want to spend at least 3-5 years with my wife before the thought of children comes up.



Szaftoo -> RE: Why the urge? (7/4/2008 9:33:17 AM)

I had children pretty quickly, everyone else I know waited at least five years. Maybe it's just the people you know who are in a rush.
Some couples want to start their family immediately and it works for them. There is no norm.



karlie -> RE: Why the urge? (7/4/2008 10:50:14 AM)

Well, some couples do plan on waiting, then God has other plans [:D]

I don't think the primary reason for marrying someone should be for children. For some people, children don't ever come along even if that's what they want, so you better be marrying your mate for themselves and not for the children they can give you. And, children grow up and move out, so you better love your spouse enough to be content when it's just the two of you again. But there is definitely nothing wrong at all with someone desiring a family which includes a spouse and children. And with couples waiting later and later to get married, many feel it's best to get started right away if they want to raise kids while they are still fairly young.

I think it needs to be about God's leading and direction in each couple's life and not what is the norm, the expected, or the "right way" in our own eyes.



creationtalk -> RE: Why the urge? (7/4/2008 10:59:00 AM)

There can be other reasons for wanting to have children early, not just marriage for the sake of having children.

When I married, we planned to have a child as quickly as possible because I was 37 at the time and we were concerned that if we did not, we would not be able to have children. Unfortunately, my xh found marriage to a woman who was sick and tired all the time from pregnancy, full-time job, and caring for 2 houses and 5 horses did not have all the benefits he anticipated, so he decided to get some of those benefits from another woman.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Why the urge? (7/4/2008 12:47:58 PM)

quote:

Why is that when two individuals, almost immediately following marriage, they have such a strong desire to have children?

It seems it has become the stereotype for newlyweds to be expecting to have a child within the first year they've been married.


Really?????? We must hang in different circles.[&:]

In "real life" I know plenty of people who "accidentally" had a baby in the first year they were married, but I am the only one that I know of who deliberately and happily eschewed birth control and ended up with a baby 9 months after the wedding. Most people, young and old, thought we were very, very foolish. [8|]

If there is an urge, I think most people quash it, at least in the West. But one of the purposes of marriage is raising up children, and women especially can't escape the fact that part of their anatomy is built specially for growing children--we get monthly reminders of that. Marriage has several purposes, and dh and I simply don't believe in separating them out and deciding which purpose we want when. [;)]



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Why the urge? (7/4/2008 1:44:34 PM)

Just thought of something:

quote:

I know I'm going to want to spend at least 3-5 years with my wife before the thought of children comes up.


1. Be sure that you are *totally* honest about this with the woman you want to marry. If that's what you want and believe, don't beat around the bush about it at all. I have seen so much pain and bitterness result from husband and wife not being in agreement about this.

2. Be aware that as much as you may plan, God sometimes has other plans. If you marry and have an intimate life with your wife, you may end up with a baby before you'd planned. Or you may find that after waiting 5 years and deciding you're ready for a baby, you don't get one right away.

Just some things to be aware of. Plan all you like, but remember that ultimately Someone Else is in charge of the universe. [;)]



42servehymn -> RE: Why the urge? (7/4/2008 3:36:27 PM)

We were married 4.5 years when God decided it was time for us to have a child. I would have waited longer. We married at 20 and I was really enjoying being newlyweds. We did have a lot of people asking us when we were going to have kids though. I never understood why if you are married for a certain length of time and don't have kids there must be something wrong with you. My brother and sil have been married over 20 years and have no kids and don't plan to. Some people do and some don't. It is a matter of personal preference. 3Capp is right though that you should make your desires known ahead of time



DreadPirateRandy -> RE: Why the urge? (7/4/2008 10:52:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Szaftoo

everyone else I know waited at least five years.


That is my mindset, too.

quote:

ORIGINAL: karlie

Well, some couples do plan on waiting, then God has other plans [:D]


That is very true.

quote:

For some people, children don't ever come along even if that's what they want, so you better be marrying your mate for themselves and not for the children they can give you.


Exactly. If marriage is a game of what you can get out of it, you need to check your intentions at the altar.

quote:

And with couples waiting later and later to get married, many feel it's best to get started right away if they want to raise kids while they are still fairly young.


But where would that leave the couple any time to grow in their marriage as a unit of one flesh when they rush the idea of a family? In my opinion, I wouldn't want to have a child until I felt we were both ready, and we've spent years of quality time together before a child enters into that relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom

1. Be sure that you are *totally* honest about this with the woman you want to marry. If that's what you want and believe, don't beat around the bush about it at all. I have seen so much pain and bitterness result from husband and wife not being in agreement about this.


We've already talked it over and it was agreed that rushing it is unneccesary. Time with her, and only with her, is a must before I would expect child planning to be brought up.

quote:

2. Be aware that as much as you may plan, God sometimes has other plans. If you marry and have an intimate life with your wife, you may end up with a baby before you'd planned. Or you may find that after waiting 5 years and deciding you're ready for a baby, you don't get one right away.


An intimate life is non-negotiable with me as having a child is with her. It's kind of a double-edged sword.

I don't think I would be saddened by the second scenario at all, but again, I don't want to wait until I'm too old to begin raising a child. I just don't want to be too young and feel unprepared and feel like I'm missing out on a marriage with solely my wife and I.

quote:

ORIGINAL: 42servehymn

We married at 20 and I was really enjoying being newlyweds. We did have a lot of people asking us when we were going to have kids though. I never understood why if you are married for a certain length of time and don't have kids there must be something wrong with you.


That's what I'm hoping for us, too.

I know eventually I'll have the desire to begin a family with my wife. I just don't see that happening until we've spent years as a couple building and enjoying our marriage.



LivePrayDream -> RE: Why the urge? (7/4/2008 11:45:02 PM)

My husband is 30 and I am 23. My husband and I have always been "trying" to have a child, but the reason behind this is that I have PCOS and I'm hypothyroid, so it is going to be difficult for us to conceive. We are praying God blesses us with at the very least, one happy, healthy child.



Beth67 -> RE: Why the urge? (7/5/2008 12:56:41 AM)

If couples could experience a few months of the dreaded 'teen years', I'm sure a lot of them might re-think the whole idea of having a baby. (lol)



DreadPirateRandy -> RE: Why the urge? (7/5/2008 4:29:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Beth67

If couples could experience a few months of the dreaded 'teen years', I'm sure a lot of them might re-think the whole idea of having a baby. (lol)


You should have a chat with my girlfriend. [;)]



manda59 -> RE: Why the urge? (7/5/2008 4:34:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Beth67
If couples could experience a few months of the dreaded 'teen years', I'm sure a lot of them might re-think the whole idea of having a baby. (lol)



What??

My ds is nearly 19, and my dd nearly 15, and their teen years have been the most wonderful time of all. My heart bursts with pride whenever I look at them, and this really has been the best time of my life.



manda59 -> RE: Why the urge? (7/5/2008 4:36:05 AM)

For the record, we married at 23 and 27, and waited 5 years before trying for a family. I wanted one child before I was 30 and another before I was 35, for health reasons. I had my ds at 29, and my dd at 33.

There were those who clearly thought we should have children before that, but we ignored them. I think my dh would have been fine with having them earlier, but I would have found it very difficult, as I wanted time to ourselves first.



DreadPirateRandy -> RE: Why the urge? (7/5/2008 4:56:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

as I wanted time to ourselves first.


I'm glad this is also valued by others.



Annie64 -> RE: Why the urge? (7/5/2008 5:57:49 AM)

I wanted children right away, but God had other plans. We started trying 4 months after we were married and it took 26 months to get pregnant. As for the OP's question, I did not have this quick desire to have children because that was the only reason I married my husband. It wasn't the only reason. I married my husband because I loved him. I guess I wanted children right away because of my impatience. Having children just seemed like the logical next milestone.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Why the urge? (7/5/2008 7:44:25 AM)

quote:

But where would that leave the couple any time to grow in their marriage as a unit of one flesh when they rush the idea of a family?


Well, because children didn't ruin our marriage, and we knew they wouldn't. [:D] Century upon century of marriages survived and thrived with early childbearing.
We're still growing in our marriage, still love each other, still enjoy each other.
Besides, we weren't rushing. Children are the intended result of marital intimacy, and having one was just the natural order of things. The way we see it, other people are "putting off" childbearing, not us rushing. [:D]

This "waiting to stabilize the marriage" is a modern concept. If your marriage will fall apart with a child born in the first two years, then you had a poor foundation and should have waited to marry (because, as previously mentioned, birth control has a failure rate).



Sideways -> RE: Why the urge? (7/5/2008 8:09:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
2. Be aware that as much as you may plan, God sometimes has other plans.


This happened to my parents. They planned on 3-5 years and got pregnant 6 months after their wedding, and they had very good birth control. It didn't destroy their marriage, and in the long run they were very happy they had me, but it was hard. My mom found out she was pregnant with me on her 20th birthday, and she cried (not the good tears). But let's not romanticize the situation. Having a baby so early and so young was very difficult for them.

We did wait 5 years to get pregnant, then got pregnant as soon as we started trying, but this may not always happen. One of the reasons we did not wait was to solidify as a married couple. We had other reasons, but we felt pretty strong as a married unit from the get-go.



manda59 -> RE: Why the urge? (7/5/2008 8:29:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
This "waiting to stabilize the marriage" is a modern concept. If your marriage will fall apart with a child born in the first two years, then you had a poor foundation and should have waited to marry (because, as previously mentioned, birth control has a failure rate).



I've checked, and that phrase has not been used at all in this thread.

We didn't wait in order to stabilise our marriage, we waited so that we had plenty of time to enjoy each other's company without having to share our time and energies with a little one. We wanted time to go fishing together, time to travel, time to start a small farm, time to just please ourselves.



karlie -> RE: Why the urge? (7/5/2008 10:43:46 AM)

My husband and I chose to wait a few years too. Not because we felt we couldn't handle kids right off...we wouldn't have gotten married when we did if we felt we couldn't handle them, because you just never know God's timing! And we didn't wait because we were afraid they'd ruin our marriage, either. We just wanted time to enjoy each other exclusively, and didn't feel that was selfish at all. We knew babies would come along in time(or we hoped they would!), and their care and needs would become the priority in daily life(as it should be), and we wanted just a few years where we were able to concentrate solely on each other. In our minds, we got the best of both worlds...time to be just a couple, then time to be mommy and daddy and a family. Both times in our life were wonderful and full of blessings.

I definitely disagree with the idea brought up that teenage years are "dreaded" or something to cause you not to want to be parents. Our girls are 20 and 24 this month, so we've raised teenagers. We found our girls to be delightful young women as teenagers and so much fun. We were so proud of the people they were growing into. Easy all the time? No. Dreaded or horrible? Not even close!



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Why the urge? (7/5/2008 11:59:41 AM)

quote:

I've checked, and that phrase has not been used at all in this thread.


But the concept was:
quote:

But where would that leave the couple any time to grow in their marriage as a unit of one flesh when they rush the idea of a family?


This is stated as if having children prevents growing together as a couple. And it's a very commonly used reason throughout the culture and I have seen it in nearly every marriage advice book I have picked up.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Why the urge? (7/5/2008 12:02:54 PM)

quote:

we wouldn't have gotten married when we did if we felt we couldn't handle them, because you just never know God's timing!


This is what I have been trying to say.

This isn't a birth control thread, so I'm not arguing that. I'm just saying...babies happen. [:D]

Christian couples need to be ready and willing to accept that fact *before* they marry. Just like anything else God brings us that may interfere with our own imaginings of what our life should be.



Beth67 -> RE: Why the urge? (7/5/2008 1:23:07 PM)

Here's a thought regarding having children ...

What are the chances of your child becoming a Christian? We all know that "narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it." (Matthew 7:14b). Of course, it's ultimately each person's choice whether or not they accept Jesus as their Saviour, but if your child does not choose Jesus, have you not, in a sense, helped sentence them to spend eternity in hell? I find that thought heartwrenching.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Why the urge? (7/5/2008 1:33:36 PM)

So you think it's better to not have kids just in case they go to hell?[&:]

As far as the OP's question--desiring kids is basic to our nature, especially to the nature of women. In addition, separating copulation from procreation seems unnatural and wrong to me. It is interrupting the natural course of events.

I was pregnant when I got married and I would not say that having children kept us from being close. In fact, it probably kept us closer longer than we would have been otherwise. My marriage did not last, but it wasn't due to having kids early-it was due to issues from our upbringing that we did not deal with, bad attitudes and false expectations. Sin, basically, and delaying kids does nothing to cure sin!

In fact, having kids generally makes you a whole lot better as a human being. They teach selflessness and love in a way that marriage does not.



dianetavegia -> RE: Why the urge? (7/5/2008 1:44:57 PM)

Jim and I didn't try to prevent pregnancy because most of the couples we knew had been trying to conceive for years. I got pregnant within the first week or two of marriage. We didn't regret it at all and are closer than any other couple I've ever met....... 38 years this October.



Sideways -> RE: Why the urge? (7/5/2008 8:18:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair
As far as the OP's question--desiring kids is basic to our nature, especially to the nature of women.


LOL, if that's true then it took a long, long time for my human nature to assert itself. I swore up and down that I didn't want children for years. And I was 28 before I really was accepting of the idea.

Many women never truely want them, and they are very natural women. They just don't want children. Although, I agree that if you're going to have sex, you ought to be prepared to deal morally with the consequences.

dH and friends with a couple who adopted two babies at two separate times, from the same married couple! Yup, a married couple already had 4 kids, decided they couldn't afford a 5th, gave it up, then did the same with baby #6. How expensive can a vasectomy be? This is not immoral of course, adoption is an extremely loving and most certainly a Christian path.



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