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RE: The easily offended - 7/2/2008 5:03:28 PM
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phosadaud
Posts: 11092
Joined: 9/19/2005
From: Washington State
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quote:
ORIGINAL: crankius
I agree with GroupW that it can be hard to know how long to keep trying with certain people, and when to just back off and let them be. I certainly don't want to be the further cause of offense in a person's life, and backing off is sometimes the best thing.
I think that is almost an artform. I know I struggle with it. I used to "hang on" too long and it just got painful for everyone. Now, I've shifted back to keeping things civil and polite but putting up a bit of a wall and not wanting to get close to folks like that. It's just to draining and until they choose to move on, they will just keep dragging everyone down with them. Maybe it's that I don't know how to help them. Maybe it's that they just can't be helped until they choose to be helped (kind of like drug addicts - rehab will never work unless they want rehab).
_____________________________
~Kristin~
Classified Ads: "Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
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RE: The easily offended - 7/2/2008 5:06:34 PM
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rcjames
Posts: 5775
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Oklahoma
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Well since taking offense it completely on the person who thinks they have been offended, it is a sticky wicket.
Some folks will be offended no matter what.
Some folks do not take offense even when it is intended.
I someone thinks I have offended them, I consider thier point of view (talk it over with my wife or some of the men at the Church) and if I did something offensive; I apologize and do not do it any more.
If it is a case where the person is just lookong to be offended, then I just tell them; I am sorry that your were offended, as I meant to offend no one.
Thanks
RC
_____________________________
Just a country Preacher's humble opinion
Read the first chapter of my latest book here;
http://www.deliveranceofsara.com
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RE: The easily offended - 7/2/2008 5:14:44 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 2073
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I like Jackie's seven step program to not taking offense. And what it does is cause us to slow down, take a deep breath, and examine. And the first place of examination is my own heart. So I will repeat the psalm I quoted earlier:
Those who love Thy law have great peace,
And nothing causes them to stumble (or nothing offends them).
Psalm 119:165
NOTHING means no thing. . . no person. . . not one thing anyone says or does should cause my peace to be disturbed to the point of sin. So when I am starting to feel my defenses rise, start feeling angry, , , I run to Jesus. And I remember that the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God (words of James). So I know that my anger is the first problem that needs to be dealt with.
Only then, when I've begun to deal with my anger, can I move on. What am I disturbed about? What has been said or done that I am reacting to? What IN ME is reacting to them?
I can change me. I can deal with me. The Lord can turn me around and I can respond as He desires me to respond.
And, yes, I can CHOOSE to not take offense because that is the God thing to do. That does not mean that some things are not wrong. That does not mean there is not an occasional (and very infrequent IMO) place for righteous anger. But Jesus was angry on RARE occasions. And it was not when He was personally attacked or put upon. If that had been His way, He would have lived an angry life.
He lived love and responded in love even when responding to something or someone who was wrong. When the men brought the adulterous woman to Him, He acted in love. She had been caught in adultery. But how did He respond? Do we see His righteous anger flaring up at her? No. We see Him kneeling down and writing in the dirt.
We miss what the message is often. . . how to respond. . . how to act in love.
This is a great discussion! Thanks to the OP!
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RE: The easily offended - 7/2/2008 5:20:55 PM
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Dred
Posts: 199
Joined: 10/11/2007
From: Alabama
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I have some thoughts on the OP.
I know exactly what you mean by "the easily offended." There are plenty of people with a serious problem in that area. When I encounter one of those people I think they must be very miserable because they must be frequently offended. I consider it not only a dysfunctional state of being, but a sinful one for the following reason: when we assume the worst we can assume, we are usually wrong in our assumption. When we erroneously assume the worst of someone, we are inventing a vicious slander about them even if we only tell the lie to ourselves.
Of course, we should make an effort (especially when writing) to be careful of the feelings of others, but within reason. "Walking on eggshells" might actually be a form of disrespecting the easily offended and shutting them off from growth.
By the way, has anyone noticed that the ones who are most easily offended when offense was unintended are invariably the ones who are the quickest to intentionally offend others?
"He who is slow to anger has great understanding, But he who is quick-tempered exalts folly."--Proverbs 14:29
"...everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;"--James 1:19
_____________________________
"We count any belief in Him, even the smallest belief, better than any belief about Him." --from Robert Falconer, by George MacDonald
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RE: The easily offended - 7/2/2008 5:25:43 PM
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CherishedbyGod
Posts: 2272
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Qtman
I am trying real hard to understand where you are coming from. Forgive me I just can't. There is nothing sad, offensive or angry causative being discussed here. Please explain.
I appreciate that. That is very kind of you. I'll have to think about how to reply and if I should even reply....
_____________________________
~I would love for you to come and learn about Jesus of Nazareth with me in the Writer's Roundtable Folder~
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RE: The easily offended - 7/2/2008 5:43:36 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 23486
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Here . . . but subject to change; stay tuned
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CherishedbyGod
quote:
ORIGINAL: Abbreviated
Sometimes being Abbreviated leads to some misunderstandings.
lol 
Well, you got a laugh out of me. I really do love to laugh more than be angry. I was thinking that if I get a second handle I am going to call myself "TheAgitator". I never used to be like this until I came to forums  Now I am the TOS queen 
CherishedbyGod, for me, I have found that if something is off-kilter in my life . . . even if it's minimally "off" . . . AND if I'm not truly guarding my heart, truly praying, truly seeking Our Lord's Wisdom and Guidance, the threads are going to be what niggles at me AND the threads are also going to get the brunt of me. If I'm not watchful, it can sneak up on me before I'm even aware of it.
Over the years, I have taken breaks from the forum . . . to either gain a fresh perspective or to guard against "Sharon-Marie run rampant".
One of my prayers is that Our Lord clean my heart, take away everything that isn't of Him and fill me up completely of Him; so that will be what people see through me: HIM. Not me. Not "churchianity". Not "Christianese". HIM. Nothing more; nothing less.
And for me, I also realize that I fall so very short of that. Often, in fact.
The Praise in this is that Jesus is waay bigger than me. His Grace, His Mercy, His Guidance, His Conviction through His Holy Spirit, His Refining . . . it's all Good.
I don't know if you'll appreciate any of what I've written, but nonetheless, I thought I'd share it with you.
Blessings,
Sharon-Marie
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RE: The easily offended - 7/2/2008 5:55:06 PM
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crankius
Posts: 4489
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Dred,
Great post.
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Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
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RE: The easily offended - 7/2/2008 6:15:02 PM
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CherishedbyGod
Posts: 2272
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: phosadaud
#2 I'm curious why you think when you offend people it's justifiable, righteous anger
I apologize for offending you. I certainly did not mean to and I ask your forgiveness. Offending others is the very last thing on earth I want to do, believe me.
_____________________________
~I would love for you to come and learn about Jesus of Nazareth with me in the Writer's Roundtable Folder~
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RE: The easily offended - 7/2/2008 6:32:04 PM
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Abbreviated
Posts: 2098
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Kansas
Status: online
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I've found when I'm offended on forums I use the report button.
Too bad there isn't one of those IRL.
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Buried In Legos...
Bologna Donuts
Jackie
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RE: The easily offended - 7/2/2008 6:37:37 PM
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car2ner
Posts: 3031
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: just north of Florida
Status: online
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quote:
How do you know when someone is just genuinely extra-sensitive to something because they are wounded
This is an important question! There have been a few situations in my life that I am a little sensitive about. Friends may make a joke that was never meant to offend. I just let them know, quietly and calmly, that I just don't find it funny because of things I have had to live with. They usually look a little embarassed and we move on and we have a good time.
I told my students, when they were sulking over something someone else said, "why give them power over you?".
I like the seven steps listed above... basically, see if you can make it right, and if not, let it go and let God deal with it.
_____________________________
http://www.car2ner.2ya.com
"May your days be long and your hardships few".
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RE: The easily offended - 7/2/2008 6:42:23 PM
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Abbreviated
Posts: 2098
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Kansas
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: GroupW
quote:
ORIGINAL: Apaise
In general, I try very hard to apologize once and move on. I am not a people person, and I don't have the emotional energy to deal with easily offended people for long periods of time. I burn out.
I agree. By nature, I have an explosive temper with a short fuse. I also grew up as a really short scrawny kid. I learned early on that scrawny kids can't afford to have bad tempers.
As a result, I kind of invented my own 12 step program to deal with conflict (ok it's 7 steps, but let's not get picky). Since I have a bad temper, I need to go through this process in order to make sure I don't say something stupid. (It only works about half the time.)
1) Examine my behavior - can I honestly say I didn't do anything wrong.
2) Apologize - if you can't figure out what you did, figure out something something you can apologize for. It doesn't matter if the apology is owed or not. The important thing is that the other person feels offended.
3) Examine the other person's reaction - did they misunderstand what I said/did. If they misunderstood, try to clarify. What was it about what I said that triggered the response?
4) If they can't understand the clarification - try one more time saying it in a different way. Could it be some baggage present that I didn't know about? Account for the possible baggage in your explanation. It's not uncommon to step into a pile of doo that someone else deposited.
5) While clarifying, remember the old adage to say only as much as the other person is capable of hearing without shutting down. Better to get across 50% of the message than say 100% of it but have 0% of it actually get through.
5) Back away.
6) If they continue to pursue, RUN away.
7) If that doesn't work, run away faster. Repeat item #7 as often as necessary until successful ;)
Depending on the relationship, I might continue the conversation for longer. Obviously, with my wife, I hash it out until we've figured out all the issues and have come to peace. With a close friend, I'd do the same. If I get the sense though that I'm dealing with someone that for whatever reason is just going to insist on being offended, I cut it after about twice.
In the end it comes down to how much of an investment in someone else you're going to choose to make. You can't be fully invested in every person you meet - you have to budget your emotional energy and do some relationship triage.
For the record, if there is one, GroupW had the list not me. Unless his name is Jackie also.
_____________________________
Buried In Legos...
Bologna Donuts
Jackie
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RE: The easily offended - 7/2/2008 6:50:41 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 2073
Status: offline
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quote:
For the record, if there is one, GroupW had the list not me. Unless his name is Jackie also.
Oh I'm sorry. I do go back (for review) and try to name people---to give credit where credit is due. I obviously goofed. Sorry.
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RE: The easily offended - 7/2/2008 7:01:24 PM
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Abbreviated
Posts: 2098
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Kansas
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Liveloved
quote:
For the record, if there is one, GroupW had the list not me. Unless his name is Jackie also.
Oh I'm sorry. I do go back (for review) and try to name people---to give credit where credit is due. I obviously goofed. Sorry.
I did quote him.
_____________________________
Buried In Legos...
Bologna Donuts
Jackie
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RE: The easily offended - 7/2/2008 7:51:17 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3417
Joined: 6/8/2005
From: a mother who let me live
Status: offline
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Some of the things I have read in this thread have been heart-warming, and some of it has been really disturbing.
The thing is, if we allow it, forums like this can be a real booster in learning how to handle people, how to take criticism, how to understand bitterness in someone, how to recognize and deal with someone who is hurting, etc. I am not under the false impression that I have said anything new with that, but I am just thinking back over what Crosswalk has done for me, and previous to Crosswalk, Baptist Board.
I came to both forums hurting. Really hurting. But Crosswalk (mainly), with Fritz and the moderators, cautioned me, encouraged me, and, yes, erased me, until I was healed of all that stuff and ready to join in fully. Forums like this are great places to learn what life, church, and family have not taught! At least they are for me.
And another great thing about CW and similar forums is you can be yourself here. You can say what you mean. You don't have to tiptoe around, afraid people are going to be hurt -- if you choose the right places to write! There are people in real life that I must coddle and pamper; here, we can say what we intend without real life repercussions. Sure, some on CW know who I am in real life, but not many.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: The easily offended - 7/2/2008 8:00:48 PM
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Qtman
Posts: 9473
Joined: 3/21/2006
From: Crimson Tide Country
Status: offline
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Covaan,
Even though we don't always agree I have admired how you can jin a discussion without bashing or getting personal. I have grown to respect you and your post because of your evident humbleness ans good spirit. I am glad you posted here. I think your post pretty much sums up what the OP was wanting this thread to do. I have also had the priviledge of becoming acquainted, through her post, with the OP and I firmly believe she does not to offend others with her posts. Howeer I do feel she was badly misunderstood on this one. I am glad you got it and said so. My respect for yuo grows.
_____________________________
STRESS = The internal struggle created when the brain trys to over ride the heart's desire to tell off some jerk that really deserves to be told off.
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RE: The easily offended - 7/2/2008 8:07:00 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3417
Joined: 6/8/2005
From: a mother who let me live
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Qtman
Covaan,
Even though we don't always agree I have admired how you can jin a discussion without bashing or getting personal. I have grown to respect you and your post because of your evident humbleness ans good spirit. I am glad you posted here. I think your post pretty much sums up what the OP was wanting this thread to do. I have also had the priviledge of becoming acquainted, through her post, with the OP and I firmly believe she does not to offend others with her posts. Howeer I do feel she was badly misunderstood on this one. I am glad you got it and said so. My respect for yuo grows.
Oh, wow. I wish I were everything you write, but I'm just half-cooked so far. We're working on that!  Thank you, Qtman.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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