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ScarletFury -> RE: Toss A Topic-Writing Challenge #11 (8/5/2008 4:13:13 PM)
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PLEASE READ! IMPORTANT!
I am no longer able to review every entry submitted, but I did have Rikku's finished, so it is posted below. The challenge aspect is still on (thank you to those of you who have sent in your votes, I'll tally them up and post the winner soon, there is still time to vote if anyone else wishes to add their opinion) Thanks for joining Toss A Topic! I sincerely apologize for the long wait, but my schedule has simply become too busy to keep up with this. If there is anyone who would like "take the torch" please PM me, and perhaps we can work something out so that the TAT doesn't disappear completely. Thank you all very much for your encouragement and participation. This has been a fun, learning experience for me and I'm honored to know such creative writers.
~Sara
RIKKU'S REVIEW
Thanks for your entry to the Toss A Topic Writing Challenge-GAMES!
MY NOTES: Nice copyright! ^_^ The review should follow in the exact order of sentences as I read it.
You'll find your review below in RED INK:
and MY IMPRESSION: . Please take my words with a grain of salt, it¡¦s simply my opinion. Use what you can and chuck the rest! [:D]
RED INK: (this red ink may cover minor grammar/punctuation.)
1st Paragraph: ¡§Five men sat around a table in the back room of a club playing a game of high stakes poker.¡¨ I think this line would have more impact if reversed. First lines are always tricky.
Cut down on your wordiness. Simply say ¡§It was an invitation only game¡¨ That¡¦s 6 words vs. 10. Total savings of-4 words!
To avoid the trap of ¡¥bigger and bigger¡¦ or ¡¥smaller and smaller¡¦ aim for past tense and stick with it, just say: ¡§¡Kpile grew¡K¡¨ and that would cut out a few more words for later. I¡¦m not saying you can¡¦t use it, but unless you¡¦re really good at the adding extra emphasis and matching tone, skip it. It works okay in children¡¦s stories, but even these days that¡¦s iffy.
Line 4: You¡¦re already in the dealer¡¦s POV, sort of. So you can simplify by using ¡§he took two himself¡¨ We later see that the story comes down to him and Maria, so using ¡§he¡¨ is easy to keep track of since there¡¦s only one ¡§he¡¨ later. This is a good way to hint that he¡¦ll be an important character later.
Love the detail of adding more ¡§benjamins¡¨ that was creative. It paints a whole new picture of a familiar scene.
2nd paragraph: I¡¦m not a fan of using ¡§Suddenly¡¨ or ¡§just¡¨ They do have their place, but this is because if something is ¡§just about to happen¡¨ I want to see it! Especially if it¡¦s suddenly, don¡¦t just tell me, let it happen!
¡§Suddenly¡¨ and ¡§Just¡¨ do have their place in writing, but watch for the places where it drags and omit them. This adds more suspense and often, more clarity.
3rd line: Change had to ¡§her¡¨ it flows smoother
4th line: Period at the end of this sentence.
5th line: Don¡¦t tell me about her accent that comes from a country that¡¦s hard to determine. That really doesn¡¦t do much for me or her, as a character. This is some good action stirring up here and now we¡¦re talking about her accent? At this point, your aim is to keep the story going. Also, keep notes that using dialogue with things like ¡§vell, ve don¡¦t alveys ave to stay in de shade, do ve?¡¨ What kind of accent does that suggest? While it might seem too ¡¥cute¡¦ or so, (that is a fairly not-so-perfect example, but accurate enough for my point) it helps and cut down on wordiness. When you read books, keep tabs on how they mention accent and verbal notes like that.
7th line: Don¡¦t pu her guns were pointed. Almost anyone can point a gun, right? But how many can aim them? Or how many can use a laser/light sight accurately? Details like that, though only when changing one or two words can really add to the dimensions of a character.
3rd Paragraph: Comma after ¡§gents¡¨ You can omit the ever present common of ¡§said¡¨ for the sake of word count and just flow straight into the action, as long as it¡¦s still in the same paragraph with his actions, we¡¦ll know, as the reader, who¡¦s speaking what.
3rd line: Put a dash after ¡§shooting¡¨ such as ¡§shooting-¡¨ and then complete with the ¡§-but,¡¨ that way the reader understands the pause and the very subtle dare to Maria.
4th paragraph: Italicize the ¡§bang, bang, bang.¡¨ This will carry much more impact this way and keep with the action, such as Maria¡¦s action, in this case. There is also the option to simply be blunt and write that Maria shot James 3 times. You could also add details such as her lip curled in disgust.
2nd Line: A word is missing here. I believe it should be. ¡§Any one else think I am bluffing?¡¨ You can omit the ¡§now¡¨ and the ¡§she said ¡§ in the following lines. Tagless dialogue is okay in some short pieces like this, because the action balances it out and since it is in the same paragraph as the speaker, it¡¦s easy to follow. It¡¦s also good because it gives you more words to work with.
5th Paragraph: This is telling here. I don¡¦t want to read about James standing up and shouting, after all, didn¡¦t he just get shot? Bring him on and let him shout! Show, don¡¦t tell.
3rd line: Comma after ¡§morphed¡¨ , you can omit the ¡¥exposing that he was not human¡¦, well obviously, if he was shot and is morphing and still alive¡Ksomehow I doubt he would be human, right? Join up the lines to be something like ¡§His face morphed, eyes turning yellow as his forehead became more ridged.¡¨
5th Line: ¡§Comma after ¡§change¡¨ you can change ¡§had become¡¨ to ¡§became¡¨
6th Paragraph: Where did she get this wooden stake? I¡¦m just curious. I don¡¦t remember seeing her go get it, and it would amost seem as if she was carrying it, but one can never really tell.
2nd Line: The dialogue is awkward, test out snippets by reading them aloud and seeing if it ¡¥sounds right¡¦ in this case, when I did read it, because I couldn¡¦t get it to read ¡¥right¡¦, it felt a little forced and funny, as if I wasn¡¦t really speaking properly. In the heat of the moment, as the story is racing along, I¡¦d imagine Maria would either scowl or smirk and then say ¡§Yeah, but not as much as this!¡¨ Note the exclamation mark, it alters the reader to a new emotion in her speech.
3rd line and forward: ¡§she pushed the table¡¨ How about shoving the table forward and attempting to pin him?
¡§-so he fell against the wall.¡¨ Awkward line. It doesn¡¦t read as if he really did, fall. Rephrase it, maybe to something where she kicked him into the wall or so.
Also, in the lines where, She hit him twice because he caught her fist and twisted it behind her back. Try to keep the lines as smooth as possible, there¡¦s a ton of action going through there, so keep it up, but also try to make sure the words and actions flow smoothly into/after each other.
7th Paragraph: This paragraph was a little frustrating for me, so I hope you don¡¦t mind that I took the liberty of rewording it a bit. ƒº
¡§She knocked him to the ground, dropping on his stomach, stake poised over his heart. ¡§Game over.¡¨ She whispered.¡¨
James caught her hand, eyes glittering as he easily reversed their positions, capturing her arms so she couldn¡¦t attack. ¡§No love,¡¨ He kissed her, teasing. ¡§The games have just begun.¡¨ He released her, darting out and away before she could recover.
Now, granted I¡¦ve dressed it up and shifted a few things around, but the idea is still the same, right? That¡¦s what you need to aim for, a different way of saying the original idea, but keeping it all together.
MY IMPRESSION: Pretty good! I liked this interesting twist! I¡¦m guessing that James is a vampire and that Maria is somewhat a bounty hunter/old friend? The relationship dynamic is intriguing, I want to know more about them and when this whole story started. I also liked how you worked the topic into this. Very nice!
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