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RE: Question from a Brit to any Y... umm American - 10/13/2008 11:19:08 AM
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lexie
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From: Toronto
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Happy Thanksgiving to you too Maggie!
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RE: Question from a Brit to any Y... umm American - 10/13/2008 7:15:48 PM
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magdaleine
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Yeah, we love you too, despite the country you live in.
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RE: Question from a Brit to any Y... umm American - 10/19/2008 3:50:10 PM
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magdaleine
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What's Spooks?
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RE: Question from a Brit to any Y... umm American - 10/20/2008 6:39:35 AM
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magdaleine
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Thanks. It sounds good! I like espionage storylines.
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Maggie
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RE: Question from a Brit to any Y... umm American - 10/20/2008 4:08:10 PM
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Roberta_
Posts: 6963
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: East Bay Area
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I received the following e-mail from my sister-in-law. I hope it doesn't step on any toes, it's all meant in good humor. 
To
the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of
the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up
'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not
fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without
the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
==============
1.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you
know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no
such thing as U.S. English. We
will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the
elimination of '-ize.'
3.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used
for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving
on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.
7.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at
all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to
as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for
pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did
for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood
will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will
cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further,
you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we
will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
13. You must
tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal
revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea
Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with
cream) when in season.
God
Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good
sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Edited to fix formatting.
< Message edited by DenimDiva -- 10/21/2008 4:28:15 PM >
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RE: Question from a Brit to any Y... umm American - 10/20/2008 4:24:11 PM
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magdaleine
Posts: 5158
Joined: 4/11/2005
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I love, LOVE, LOVE it! It's priceless!
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Maggie
Ask me about my book. It's now available online!
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RE: Question from a Brit to any Y... umm American - 10/20/2008 4:38:43 PM
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Roberta_
Posts: 6963
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: East Bay Area
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I thought about e-mailing it to Manda, but I decided to post it here instead. Besides, if I only shared it through e-mail then only Manda and Americans would have enjoyed the laugh. The e-mail does have a nice pic of the queen though.
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RE: Question from a Brit to any Y... umm American - 10/20/2008 6:06:40 PM
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magdaleine
Posts: 5158
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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Roberta, what country do you live in?
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Maggie
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RE: Question from a Brit to any Y... umm American - 10/20/2008 8:18:49 PM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2957
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
Status: offline
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LOL, that was funny Roberta!
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-Stina
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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RE: Question from a Brit to any Y... umm American - 10/20/2008 8:57:34 PM
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magdaleine
Posts: 5158
Joined: 4/11/2005
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I shared it with an American friend who got offended. 
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Maggie
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RE: Question from a Brit to any Y... umm American - 10/20/2008 9:51:58 PM
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magdaleine
Posts: 5158
Joined: 4/11/2005
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I think it's healthy when we can laugh at ourselves. So, DenimDiva is American? I thought so!
_____________________________
Maggie
Ask me about my book. It's now available online!
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RE: Question from a Brit to any Y... umm American - 10/21/2008 8:16:19 AM
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lexie
Posts: 3047
Joined: 6/27/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline
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quote:
So, DenimDiva is American? I thought so!
Yes, but we don't hold it against her! (Some of the others here though....)
That was a good email. Although I would like to request that Canadian beer be added to the list of acceptable beers (I think American beer is what we refer to here as non-alcoholic beer.)
_____________________________
I want to be more than an ordinary servant.
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RE: Question from a Brit to any Y... umm American - 10/21/2008 11:36:34 AM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2957
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
Status: offline
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quote:
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you
know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
That is totally me! It sometimes comes out in my typing, but IRL I think some people actually find it annoying that I say "like" and "YKWIM" so much.
_____________________________
-Stina
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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