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With friends like these... - 11/11/2009 9:49:26 PM
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m4maggie
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Looking for advice on how to handle this particular situation..
My family has some friends that have been close to us for a very long time.. For the most part, they are good people, who would be the first to help you out, lend a hand etc etc..
Here is where I have a big problem...
my folks don't have a lot of money.. this family does.. and have no problem continually gloating about it. They shop daily and have this bad habit of bringing their purchases over to show my parents with receipt in hand and talk about nothing except when and where they shopped and how much they've spent. This happens all the time and considering my parents can barely afford to keep food on the table and a roof over their head, they find this annoying and rude. These people, like my parents also are proud grandparents. Now.. it would be ignorant of me to say that they shouldn't be spoiling their grandchildren because every grandparent has spoiling privileges. What bothers me is that every time my kids ask for something they'd like *eg.. my daughter really wants an easy bake oven for Christmas* they go and buy what my kids ask for for their granddaughter (who is btw two years younger) and then rub it in my parents faces because they can afford it and my parents nor I can't. Time and time again we've heard nothing except money and shopping and spending. Again.. it would be ignorance for me to say that jealousy isn't a factor.. I'd be lying through my teeth if I said it didn't bother me. But when is enough enough? when does this never ending money talk become nothing more than gloating and rudeness? And how do we politely say enough with the money talk? It's putting a strain on the family friendship and we've heard and witnessed as much as we can take with polite "oh that's nice" faces.
I should add this.. yes.. this family works.. but they also have old family money *worth a small fortune* so work isn't a necessity.. more a cure for boredom and they all work in fast food. So I highly doubt they're making the equivalent of what they spend from a fast food job. I'm not joking when I say they spend up to $500-600 a day on "stuff"
< Message edited by m4maggie -- 11/11/2009 10:05:56 PM >
_____________________________
" I don't question your existence" - God
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/12/2009 1:49:39 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2436
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Well, it's your parents' friendship, so it would be up to them to decide what to do. But in your shoes, I'd make sure my little daughter was never exposed to this constant flow of ignorant bragging. Great time to take a walk, isn't it? 
These people don't sound like they have much common sense about being kind to others - superficially, yeah, but not much depth so that they know your parents have feelings, too. It also sounds like they are going through their small fortune pretty fast. Getty said the way to stay rich was to never spend it.
For them to use what your kid wants as a guide for what to give their kid, and it's age inappropriate... they're not paying attention to their kids. Wow, can you imagine how that could blow up in their faces 12 years from now? Feel sorry for them (and I'm sure you already do).
And these people are coming over every day with their new stuff? They don't have much of a life, do they (neither do your parents, with a daily parade like this. But it's their job to go to the grocery store at that time or something...).
quote:
Time and time again we've heard nothing except money and shopping and spending.
Jesus said:
"A man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."
- Luke 12:15
These people have a pretty poverty-stricken life, don't they.
quote:
...never ending money talk become nothing more than gloating and rudeness? And how do we politely say enough with the money talk? It's putting a strain on the family friendship and we've heard and witnessed as much as we can take with polite "oh that's nice" faces.
I'm guessing these thoughtless and rude people aren't going to be friends much longer. I suppose your father could talk to the mister of their family, but not a lot of people are up for that.
Your parents could say, "You know, we don't have a lot of money, and your displays of wealth make us uncomfortable. Please don't bring your purchases over any more and please don't talk about money in any way, because it puts a strain on our friendship. I'm sure we have a lot in common to talk about and we'd be happy to see you every month or so for a friendly chat and coffee. Why don't you bring over some pastries and we'll provide the cozy kitchen and coffee. How about Dec. 5?"
Anyway, that's what I would do. God bless you and your family and this family, too; they are hurting people who just happen to (temporarily) have a lot of money. May God be glorified (and provide an Easy-Bake oven for your daughter!).
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/12/2009 3:59:11 AM
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singpeace
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Well, this may not be what you expect to hear, but what they are doing is rude to the core. I do not think it is a sin to let others know when they are hurting those I love. I'm angry for you and your parents.
Just because I'm a Christian doesn't negate the fact that I am also an intelligent human being. They ought to be ashamed of such behavior.
_____________________________
Psalm 123:1 Unto You do I lift up my eyes, O You Who are enthroned in heaven.
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/12/2009 4:56:20 AM
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herestoresmysoul
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They definately need to be challenged about this behaviour. it is unfeeling cruel aand wrong. Dont they know what tact and empathy are?. Even if your parents had more money, bragging and constant spending are not the way to behave. Are they Christisns?
OK they may take offense but that is their problem. OK they may decide to stop the frirndship, but is that really going to be such a great loss?I think they may well be beter off without them .
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/12/2009 8:43:43 AM
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Kat_D
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It is your parent's friendship and up to them to set the boundaries they deem necessary. Perhaps it bothers you more than it does them. Let it go.
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~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/12/2009 9:04:20 AM
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rachay2
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Well, I hope they have alot of money or it won't be too long before them and your parents are on equal ground again.
Don't let it bother you so much. People can be clueless sometimes. Don't be jealous of what other people have. I know that is hard when it is thrown in your face like that, especially when you are going through hard times. Be thankful for the blessings in your life and focus on that when those people are around.
I like the Luke12:15 reference that deermousie gave. It puts it all into perspective.
_____________________________
What is drama but life with the dull bits cut out. ~Alfred Hitchcock
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/12/2009 9:44:59 AM
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m4maggie
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My parents are both disabled and don't have a vehicle, so it's hard for them to get out. When they do, it's only for groceries or doctors appointments. Mom has osteo-arthritis, fibromyalgia, and is in remission from bowel cancer. Dad has congestive heart failure, arthritis, chronic gout in both feet and both are also diabetic. It's sad because my parents aren't that old.. Mom just turned 60 and Dad 63
Tact is also a lost concept to them.. My mom was just telling me this morning that she's being harassed about the birthday gift she got from these friends *a digital camera* and how much it cost and that it's junk because it's not compatible with my folks computer.
These folks are not Christian as far as I know. I know their daughter went to Church when she was younger, but doesn't go regularly today. To be honest, I have no idea what their beliefs are.. or even if they have any.
I think my parents put up with it because they know that these people don't have a lot of friends and because they've been neighbours forever.. They aren't bad people, we've each done a lot for each other over the years. I used to babysit her kids when we were younger and clean house for them when needed. And in return, I've gotten groceries for my own family and she's bought a lot of things for my kids. Keep in mind though, these things are not top quality because money is spent on top stuff for her grandkids. that's not a problem.. I don't expect them to spend a fortune on my kids.. My kids aren't their concern. I'd be a jerk if I expected that. So it's not that one sided. It's just very annoying and rude and we don't know how to nicely say enough with the money talk. To be honest, I don't even know if the wife would even have anything to talk about if it weren't for the money.. unless it was health.. ( I should also add.. she's over at my parents house a lot when she gets migraines... my parents are a living pharmacy and she likes to "borrow" pain medications from my folks and knows my folks will give it to her).. But only tylenol 3.. they have to hide the other pain medications.. If she knew they had stronger meds... eeee...
And Kat.. I'm not disagreeing with you.. It does bother me... a lot.. and I should let it go. Some days it bugs me more than others.
< Message edited by m4maggie -- 11/12/2009 10:07:33 AM >
_____________________________
" I don't question your existence" - God
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/12/2009 10:37:35 AM
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laura...
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Perhaps you should lovingly sit them down and address their shopping addiction. They are shopaholics and are passing that addiction along to their children and grandchildren. Do they want their grandchildren to have an inheritance or just a bunch of stuff? Address it with the attitude that realizes that they really do have a serious problem. Being able to spend like that doesn't mean it is healthy to spend like that.
Lovingly confronting them about their spending habits will result in one of two outcomes, either they will realize they do have a problem and scale back on their spending or they won't tell you about their spending anymore. Either way your problem is solved.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/12/2009 12:37:59 PM
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BelleWeather
Posts: 1438
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quote:
ORIGINAL: m4maggie
Looking for advice on how to handle this particular situation..
If this behavior were being done to you, you could stop them in mid-boast on their latest acquisition, and gently change the subject. At each point where they will try to interject the subject of purchases, you can continue changing the subject as a offensive (as in tactics, not as in an escalation of rudeness) manoeuvre.
If they are simply boors, they will blather on: nothing will penetrate these people. Save yourself, reduce or avoid exposure. As Dearmousie recommended, protecting your children from these louts is vital.
If they stop their crowing, and go along with the change of subject: Problem solved.
If they stop and ask why you don't want to listen to stories about their latest swag: Be polite. Gently explain your position, and leave it at that. If it opens a conversation--so much the better.
An argument about another person's spending habits is not an argument you want to have.
People can be very dishonest with themselves about the many "whys" they have for the use of money. Sadly, money and the things it buys, shores up the very heart of a person--even Christians.
From your description, it does not appear that you have "a dog in the fight": I would allow your parent's to handle this problem in their time. You can advise them how to approach the problem, but there may be reasons they put up with rudeness from friends that you are not aware. Though your parent's complain about the behavior, they may be lonely and "anyone" stopping by is a welcome distraction from their day-to-day situation without these people.
_____________________________
There's a crack in everything.
That's how the light get's in.
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/12/2009 1:00:24 PM
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m4maggie
Posts: 1162
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jhuperetes
I wholeheartedly disagree that we should consider this your parent's relationship and not get involved.
I am my parent's child. What happens to them, happens to me. If someone hurts them, they hurt me.
 I would wait till they leave my parents house, then I would tear them to shreds. 
It makes my blood boil just reading something like this.
I like you.. because you're honest and because 9/10, that is my reaction also. I've said to my folks *in anger* that if I ever won the lottery, I'd wipe my ___ with a $100 bill then throw it at them. Not exactly the most Christian approach granted, but anger makes you think and say stupid things, doesn't it? Should add here that my mom doesn't approve of me saying that btw.. but my dad thinks it's got merit.. Heh.. he's said in agreement they'd pick it up and spend it! And I also agree that they are a distraction for my parents. But that doesn't mean it's a good or a healthy distraction. And my parents would never in a million years turn this family away. I think they know that there is more than meets the eye here and so they accept it.. then complain about it later.Mom has said to me more than once that they have a way of making her and my dad feel bad or inadequate as grandparents because they can't afford to buy like crazy for their granddaughters. Mom would rather spoil my kids with love and affection that toys or junk to shut them up. They just don't like feeling that this family has something on them or is "better" than they are. And there is no doubt in my mind that this compulsive shopping is an addiction. It's like they can't go one day without buying. And it's whatever you can think of.. clothes.. food, furniture, jewelry, vehicles, toys, shoes, electronics, etc.. I don't know how they don't go bankrupt buying all this junk! I mean.. they even take weekend trips to the US just to shop! MONEY MONEY MONEY!!!!
OK.. clouded by some jealousy there.. I'll admit that one.. my bad..* giving head a shake.. I know better.. my apologies*
*end rant.. just got off the phone with my mom.. she had "visitors with receipts*
< Message edited by m4maggie -- 11/12/2009 1:22:35 PM >
_____________________________
" I don't question your existence" - God
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/12/2009 1:52:47 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 1428
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From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
I've said to my folks *in anger* that if I ever won the lottery, I'd wipe my ___ with a $100 bill then throw it at them.
Sounds like you have a bigger problem with them than your parents do.
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/12/2009 2:34:54 PM
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m4maggie
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to a point, yes I do.. I don't like it when other people make my parents feel bad. My back gets right up
_____________________________
" I don't question your existence" - God
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/12/2009 3:35:28 PM
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BelleWeather
Posts: 1438
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From: New York City
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quote:
ORIGINAL: m4maggie
to a point, yes I do.. I don't like it when other people make my parents feel bad. My back gets right up
Maybe I'm missing something....
Why can't your parents deal with these people? Why tolerate being made to feel small by people whose opinion they do not respect?
_____________________________
There's a crack in everything.
That's how the light get's in.
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/12/2009 4:06:51 PM
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jhuperetes
Posts: 1551
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My parents would roll over too. Some have been brought up to take it all as a "good Christians"...
I think this has a lot to do with the "turn the other cheek", but forgetting about selling my clothing to get a sword!
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/12/2009 4:22:54 PM
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Elena1030
Posts: 2578
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m4maggie,
Maybe just slip a copy of Cloud and Townsend's book Boundaries into your parents' home... wherever they're most likely to see it and sit down to read it.
And pray that your parents will have both the courage and the grace to communicate to the neighbors that it's not OK to treat them [your parents] this way.
One doesn't always have to answer the doorbell or knock, pick up the phone, or reply to the e-mail. But some folks don't realize that. And maybe your parents don't really feel OK with rejecting others.
Or you could have a good ol' "come to Jesus" meeting with these people. Though I'm not sure how to handle that gracefully! It would be sorely tempting to upbraid them down one side and up the other.
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/12/2009 5:11:23 PM
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BelleWeather
Posts: 1438
Joined: 7/29/2009
From: New York City
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jhuperetes
My parents would roll over too. Some have been brought up to take it all as a "good Christians"...
I think this has a lot to do with the "turn the other cheek", but forgetting about selling my clothing to get a sword!
"They will know us by" the boot prints on our backs?
_____________________________
There's a crack in everything.
That's how the light get's in.
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/12/2009 7:20:25 PM
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rachay2
Posts: 1237
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quote:
Why can't your parents deal with these people? Why tolerate being made to feel small by people whose opinion they do not respect?
Exactly!
First of all, it's their choice to put up with them and their choice to feel however they feel. Rather than harboring such ill and concealed feelings they would be better off not answering the door. Even just casually changing the subject or forcibly if you have to when they bring up the subject of what they have bought. Apparantly they think yall are interested. Why else would they go on about it? They are clueless...clue them in.
_____________________________
What is drama but life with the dull bits cut out. ~Alfred Hitchcock
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/15/2009 7:08:48 PM
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m4maggie
Posts: 1162
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well I guess there are no more worries about this one.. I don't know what happened.. but apparently my folks and I are "blacklisted" by these people.. *shrugs* we found some things that we've given these people today in my parents backyard right beside the garbage cans.. Yep.. Classy spelled with a "K" Couldn't even tell us to our faces what we "did".. cause we have no clue...
_____________________________
" I don't question your existence" - God
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RE: With friends like these... - 11/15/2009 8:39:59 PM
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makarizo
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maybe this was the answer to all the prayers us outsiders have been doing.
a similar situation from long ago, my mom's friend was a terrible gossip, she talked bad about everything and everyone... it always got my mom down, but she never spoke up or confronter her friend about it.
I finally sat this woman down and had a serious talk with her..... she apologized to my mom, and now for about 20 years, she has been trying to get my respect back... she is so concerned with what other people might think.
I would still call her a gossip, but she is very careful not to do that around my mom.
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