|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
With a Heavy Heart I right his... - 7/30/2008 8:38:21 AM
|
|
|
jdurham
Posts: 13
Joined: 7/7/2008
Status: offline
|
A few weeks back I posted a thread about my fiance's 16 yr old son. Well last night I really got a clear picture of how things may very well be after we get married, if we still get married. I have given this boy the benefit of the doubt, tried to talk with him, be a freind, be an authouritarian, and all the above. Trying to establish somthing with this kid. When i do speak to him when no one is around he rolls his eyes and doesn;t look at me when he answers my questions. Last night we were taking pictures for the wedding with she and I and our 4 boys. It was very clear he did not want to participate and at one point I was taking a picture with his mom and he in my line of sight behind the camera and he was not happy at all. I am of the opinon that when I marry her, if we still do, her 2 boys become my repsonsibilty as much as mine own boys. Its very clear that he will only do things to cause more havoc between us. One of the house rules that we have agreed on once we get married is that if you are under our roof on Sindays you will go to church. If I am repsonsible for this kid then I have certain expectations that the 3 other boys have already gladly accepted. So last night I told her that I could not live with her son, that I can't stand to finacilly support him all the while he sets back and takes and takes and takes and never gives back. he is taking from everybody. I really need some help here on this. She is heartbroken and I fell so bad about that, no sleep at all. Should I see this differently? Am I wrong, if so let me have it. All I want is what the Lord would have me do. So hard to see the whats solid due to the emotions. I will refer you to the "Need advice form Men and Women" thread.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: With a Heavy Heart I right his... - 7/30/2008 8:55:00 AM
|
|
|
Wild-Rose
Posts: 405
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Upstate NY
Status: offline
|
quote:
he sets back and takes and takes and takes and never gives back.
I think you are mistaken about this part. You want him to be grateful that you are (or will be) supporting him. But he did not ask for that. Did he invite you into his life? No, I would bet not. Where is this boy's father? Did he ask that his parents get divorced? If the father has died, then certainly you can understand grief and anger over that too. You are sounding as if you think this boy has things under control and things are going his way, but the exact opposite is true. This young fellow probably feels like his life has spun out of control. His father who ought to be there is gone. Now a strange man who apparently he doesn't like much is bossing him around , setting rules for him and expecting him to be grateful for it all.
Have you been to premarital counseling? What about family counseling with all of you including the kids?
God bless you for trying. I don't mean to sound harsh. I'm just trying to get you to see things through the boy's eyes.
_____________________________
Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
|
|
|
|
|
RE: With a Heavy Heart I right his... - 7/30/2008 10:28:42 AM
|
|
|
all4aremine
Posts: 53
Joined: 7/24/2008
Status: offline
|
First of all I would like to ask how long you guys have been together? Then I ask the questions about the role of his biological father? Is he around or not? If they divorced how long ago and how has the relationship been with his father since the divorce?
There are a lot of factors to lead to a child to act this way towards a soon-to-be stepfather.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: With a Heavy Heart I right his... - 7/30/2008 10:31:21 AM
|
|
|
Hislittleone
Posts: 624
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
|
Jdurham, this thread is probably going to get closed and linked to your other thread (only allowed to have one thread per situation/subject).
I've just gone back and reread your other posts about this situation. My initial thought is that if you are so unsettled about making this decision then you shouldn't go through with it. If it were the right thing to do I think you'd have more peace about it (and I mean internal peace, not outward circumstancial peace).
I also agree with what Wild-Rose said. This boy has been through a lot and is apparently having a hard time dealing with it all. Has he received any counseling? If not, then you may want to suggest that to his mother. He needs help (and I don't mean that in a bad way). It seems that you aren't prepared or equipped to deal with the problems that he has. This boy needs a father who will love him completely and selflessly, not one who will resent him because of his issues. From what you've posted I think you may have a hard time with that.
It also seems that you and your fiance disagree on certain parenting issues with the boys. She does things one way and you think it should be done another way. That's going to cause problems down the road.
Bottom line is that it would be better to wait a couple of years rather than end up in a terrible marriage that causes the entire family harm rather than good. I know it's hard to wait when you're in love but we have been given a spirit of self-control, right? So put that to good use and wait a little longer.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: With a Heavy Heart I right his... - 7/30/2008 11:55:29 AM
|
|
|
MC4JC
Posts: 201
Joined: 7/6/2008
From: Minnesota
Status: offline
|
I've read your other posts about this situation. The bottom line is the kids will grow up and move away - and it really is about the marriage between the husband and wife. Yes you might have some difficult times at first and these might last for a few years. But the happiness between you and your future wife is more important then what the boy thinks of things.
We have a blended family. Two of his boys gave me a hard time about things - the one will be getting married this weekend and he's finally seen how happy we are and accepts it. The youngest one (20 yrs old) still hasn't really accepted me being married to his father (6 yrs). Maybe in the next few years he will - but I'm not here to please the kids - I'm here to please my husband and I married HIM. God has blessed us with a very strong marriage - and that is the important thing.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: With a Heavy Heart I right his... - 7/30/2008 4:42:43 PM
|
|
|
dianetavegia
Posts: 2030
Joined: 8/23/2005
From: Southern Baptist, Non Calvinist, Pro Life Ga. girl
Status: offline
|
Much of this behavior is just teenage behavior but that doesn't make it enjoyable.
You and your fiance need to discuss these issues. Does she not attempt to have her children behave? Since you are NOT the boy's father, you'll have very little say about many things in his life. This is not going to be easy for any of you.
Where is his father? At 16, he can choose with whom he wants to live. Make the rules and let him choose.
_____________________________
|
|
|
|
|
RE: With a Heavy Heart I right his... - 7/30/2008 4:56:16 PM
|
|
|
sudden
Posts: 166
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline
|
Hi jdurham:
SInce you asked....boy you are wrong? Are you kidding? First, do you really think your fiance would choose you over her own son? and second you are asking a teen to be as mature as you are - an extremely high expectation and to perhaps "replace" the other parent.
This kid may never like you but if you love your fiance you will treat him as she would like. THis kid is hurting Please don't treat him differently. Your doing so will only result in greater alienation from both he and his mother and may have the same result on the other kids as well. Teens can be extremely difficult.
It is sad, but true that life in blended families is seldom easy. I have several girlfriends who married men with children and all of them said they would never do it if they had to do it all over again. It seems the kids always resent the "outside" parent.
If you feel this strongly about this kid, perhaps you should call it off.
Sudden
_____________________________
I will lie down in rest and sleep and peace, for thou, O Lord, only makest me to dwell in safety.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: With a Heavy Heart I right his... - 7/31/2008 2:30:23 PM
|
|
|
jdurham
Posts: 13
Joined: 7/7/2008
Status: offline
|
Wow...my toes are hurtin about now. But I want what others see as the truth. Thanks for that! I see this now is more about my sin full nature that anything else. Thanks again for the welcomed and needed advice.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: With a Heavy Heart I right his... - 7/31/2008 4:40:16 PM
|
|
|
skittle
Posts: 4
Joined: 5/2/2005
From: the Texas Hill Country
Status: offline
|
Would you disown your own child for this same behavior? I should hope not. Then why would you "disown" your soon-to-be son in this manner?
At this point, I would certainly postpone the wedding until you can figure out more about how you are going to work as a family. You don't have to completely go your separate ways, but understand that you have much work to do before you can meld as a family.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: With a Heavy Heart I right his... - 7/31/2008 5:06:41 PM
|
|
|
laura...
Posts: 2842
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
|
I was a single mom of teen boys. Honestly, if you were my fiance I'd be the one calling off the wedding. Raising my sons was my absolute first priority and responsibility given to my by God. At that time in their lives any other relationships came in at a distant second. Any man that I would have dated or considered marrying would have had to not only understand that priority but agree with it.
quote:
I have given this boy the benefit of the doubt, tried to talk with him, be a freind, be an authouritarian, and all the above.
Brother, you need to BACK OFF. You cannot be his authoritarian. That is strictly his mother's position. He will never accept you as his authoritarian. First of all, you are not in the position to be one. You aren't his father. You aren't his mother. You aren't even married to his mother yet. Even if you were already married to his mother you would have to earn his respect long before you could act as his authoritarian. Trust me on this, he will be grown, gone and possibly have his own family before enough time would go by for you to earn that right.
Secondly, others have mentioned that he may have a problem with you replacing his father. I have another perspective on that, again having raised teenaged boys as a single mom, your fiance's oldest son sees himself (consciously or unconsciously) as the man-of-the-house. He is the oldest man in the home. He is his mother's protector. You are replacing and displacing HIM. Guess what? Every time you question whether or not to marry his mom, making his mom cry, you are alienating HIM. You hurt her...his "protect mom" shield goes up. Good luck getting him to put it back down.
quote:
If I am repsonsible for this kid then I have certain expectations that the 3 other boys have already gladly accepted. So last night I told her that I could not live with her son, that I can't stand to finacilly support him all the while he sets back and takes and takes and takes and never gives back. he is taking from everybody.
They are a package deal. If you can't live with her son then you cannot live with her. She is his mother. So, he "takes and takes and takes and never gives back" He's 16 years old...what do you expect? While the other 3 boys are accepting your "expectations" they're not 16 yet. Just wait. The attitude that you are getting from the oldest will most likely be repeated by all 3.
You have three options:
1. Call off the wedding and end the relationship.
2. Postpone the wedding until he is grown and gone. That should take 3-5 years. Just in time for the younger son to be 16 and difficult.
3. Get married and act more mature than the 16 year old by not demanding your own way and threatening to bail when you don't get it. Let his mother be his mother. Be her husband giving her all the support she needs to get through these difficult teen years.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
|
|
|
|
|
RE: With a Heavy Heart I right his... - 8/1/2008 4:26:47 PM
|
|
|
laura...
Posts: 2842
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: WesP
I seem to be a tiny minority here. For me, there has always been a certain set of rules. First, respect adults. Second, the mother and father make the rules. Granted, one is not the natural parent in this case, but the rules should remain the same. Allowing a teenager to set the rules for respect is a very bad choice. Much in society is wrong because parents have stopped making their children do as they are told.
The bottom line is that if you (as a couple) cannot agree on a set of rules that are mandated, then you are entering a lost cause. Spend a lot of time in prayer. God bless.
No one has said that the teen should set the rules for respect. What I am saying is that it's mom who is going to have to be the enforcer of the rules when it comes to her children, especially with the 16 year old.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
|
|
|
|
|
RE: With a Heavy Heart I right his... - 8/1/2008 4:45:54 PM
|
|
|
Zhi
Posts: 1444
Joined: 7/31/2007
Status: offline
|
The kid is a 16 year old boy.
Most 16 year old boys I know hate having their picture taken regardless of purpose.
Most 16 year old boys I know have difficulty making eye contact with adults who are grilling them or lecturing them, and there is eye rolling involved.
Most 16 year old boys I know are not ready to or capable of contributing financially to the family.
While I'm not saying that you shouldn't work on developing his abilities in terms of having a respectful conversation or eventually becoming financially responsible for himself, I do think it's necessary to point out that this behavior isn't necessarily about you. You're the adult here and you're going to have to work on not taking it personally when it probably isn't personal. His life is pretty rough right now... he's a teenager PLUS his family life and family dynamic is being radically altered. Frankly if the worst he's done is rolled his eyes at you in a conversation and acted annoyed about a long, drawn-out family picture session, you're doing GREAT.
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: With a Heavy Heart I right his... - 8/1/2008 9:53:15 PM
|
|
|
ChoirDJ
Posts: 473
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
Status: offline
|
(fanning jdurham as he sits in the VERY hot seat) Hang in there man. I know you mentioned your toes being stepped on with all the input here and I'm sure it's all hard to take in right about now. You are going to look back at this experience someday and thank God for all the lessons you learned though. Children in general don't react very well to blended family situations, which is part of the reason why the divorce rates in such situations are even higher. You both may feel like you have a soulmate in each other but everyone else in the family will experience your coming together differently. Perhaps you need to slow the plans down a bit and work on building a positive rapport with your "soon to be bride's" children.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: With a Heavy Heart I right his... - 8/2/2008 1:06:28 AM
|
|
|
scottiezsister
Posts: 51
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
|
Although I am a female, I can relate to what your soon-to-be stepson is going through. I HATED one of my mom's b-friends growing up. I think you need to look at a couple of things. 1) What happened to his father? 2) How long as it been since his father has been out of the house 3) what are the relationship btw his father and him? I'm sure there are more questions that I could ask, but I think these are important ones.
There are a couple of things going on here. The woman that you are about to marry has to become aligned with you. She has to support you as an adult in the house. She cannot allow her son to disrespect you, basically you two need to be a united front. If she can't stand up and/or stand with you then I would SERIOUSLY think about ending the engagement.
At the same time, you can not going into the 16yro house and start making rules. The indiv who is coming into the house with kids has to tread lightly. You have to engage the children and slowly develop a place in the house but the original parent has to support and stand by you. If this doesn't happen, you will have a difficult time defining your place in the house, especially with an already resistant teenager. Just a little bit of help.
Let me also just say that, a child should not be allowed and/or call the shots with their parent's dating life. Children should be just that...children. The introduction of a new spouse to children can be positive but it often takes a lot of work on the part of existing parent as well as the new parent.
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
