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When will I feel secure? - 10/8/2008 8:34:29 PM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 34
Joined: 4/16/2008
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When after your spouse has been unfaithful do you feel secure and no worries or fears every time they walk out the door? Do you ever come to that point or will I always be worrying? He enjoys dirtbike riding and we (the family) usually go but I don't always want to but I just feel so much insecurities when he goes, everything goes through my head, I always know who he has planns to go with but you never know if they will invite someone else or who will be out there ect, I know I need to trust God but it is so hard to do. Will I ever feel secure? I want to trust him and believe when he says he would never hurt me again. Any one else been through this or felt this way?
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RE: When will I feel secure? - 10/8/2008 8:50:32 PM
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creationtalk
Posts: 701
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I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. My xh cheated--more than once. And no, you cannot expect to suddenly feel secure again and not worry when he is gone. He's betrayed you once. Your trust has been broken and it takes a very long time to rebuild.
Have you told him how uncomfortable you are with him going out dirtbiking without you now? What was his response? If he is truly sorry and repentant, then he should be willing to do what ever it takes to rebuild your trust and faith in him.
It's hard I know. For me, it got to the point I did not feel I could trust anything he said. He would cheat, tell me how sorry he was, he shouldn't have done it...but it was my fault because I didn't do XYZ. Then he'd do it again...and it was my fault. Toward the end, he could have told me it was raining and I would have gone to check before I believed him. It doesn't have to be that way for you and your husband, but he has to understand that HE has broken faith and HE has to rebuild that trust. You cannot do it all. And you need to understand that you will not suddenly get over what has happened. You are grieving the loss of your trust in your husband and it will be a long hard journey to get through it.
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RE: When will I feel secure? - 10/9/2008 8:31:33 AM
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Kellgaste
Posts: 451
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From: Wyoming
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My Lady Stillovinhim,
You are dealing with something that hits VERY VERY close to home for me as well. My xw cheated on me (Emotionally and physically) twice. She threatened she wanted a divorce the first time and I told her I wouldn't give it to her, as she gave her word for "Until Death Do Us Part." Now, there were things she wanted me to change....I did, but in that time she never once looked at herself to identify what she needed to change in her.
The first time hit me like a Mack Truck (I didn't see it coming at all, had hairs on the back of neck telling me something wasn't right). It nearly destroyed me. Now, I prayed and sought councel (Mother and Father-in-Law, btw, They are devistated as well, pastors, Focus on the Family counselors, Church leaders, family members etc). Trusting her was non-exsistant. I questioned everything. We started to heal...or so I thought...
The second time (Emotional and Physical) happened a year later and this time, i saw it coming and I think the Lord prepared me. It didn't seek to envelope me like the first time. I kept my focus on him and let me tell you the Fires were very hot in the refinement process as I walked through it with him. this time she did more than threaten Divorce, she started the process to follow through with it. Now my trust in her is gone...completely, I don't trust a thing she says. She wanted me to file the divorce, I told her no, I gave an oath/Covenant/Vow/Promise and I WOULD NOT break it. She was upset with me and made the choice to file. The final decree is in the judges hands as we speak. I still wear my wedding ring, but trust/respect is something that for me is just as important as communication.
Now, with that snapshot into my past, through this whole ordeal I cried, and cried a lot, you see it is a relationship death, I focused on the Lord and trusted in him. If your Husband truely wants your marriage together to succeed, he is going to have to make some choices. First, STOP commiting Adultery and hurting you, second, seek counceling 1on1 for him and maybe you, then counseling for you both together. Pray and asked the Lord to be your Pilot/Driver of your life and give it over to him...this is not easy and I battle with this daily on fighting the illusion that I am actually in control of anothers decision. I am ONLY in control of my choices and attitude.
Now, on a note of preperation <looks uncomfortable>, please start to document/log what he is doing, or not doing. If you have evidence/proof of the Adultery, log it. Put it somewhere he will never look and just hold it. if you never need it, Praise the Lord, but if you do, you will not have the added stress of trying to remember all the past things (And the Emotions that go with them) and have it already done and ready. I know this sounds negative but it is one thing I did, after speaking with councelors and family members and it saved me so much emotional devestation.
I feel for you my Lady and I have prayed for you and will continue to do so. God Bless and don't give up until you have Exhausted all resources and options. <hugs>
-Kell
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RE: When will I feel secure? - 10/9/2008 11:05:17 AM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 34
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thank you so much for sharing your stories with me and for the prayers. I should maybe go into more detail, his one night stand happened 17 years ago about 1 year after we were married, I suspected at the time (because he had pubic lice) but he denied it and it was dropped however it never sat well with me and once in awhile I questioned in my head if he did or not, I never suspected adultery again, he confessed to me 2 1/2 years ago that he did have a one night stand only once. As you both know it was very devastating, I felt out marriage had been built on a lie, I then went through all the years and went over and over in my head all the possibilities he could have had to cheat again. One thing with my husband and I we have never gone out with friends alone, we always have done things as a couple, the only thing he ever did was dirtbike riding (in the forest not a track so less people) I was unable to go for a long time due to the age of our children at the time.
We did do marriage counseling together and I also did counseling myself through my church. My husband has always done everything he should to rebuild trust, he calls me frequently when gone, tells me every where he is going, even tells me if anyone talked with him at the grocery store, he has always been reassuring and tells me repeatedly that he would never hurt me again. But with all that it still makes it hard when he does go out the door still, I still have the worries even after 2 1/2 yrs and I suppose it's because of the fear he could "meet" someone again. I know that I can't prevent him from doing something he loves to do and has done for so many years, dirtbike riding is like his relaxing time, we usually always go with him (or our daughter if I can't go) maybe 2 x a year I don't go, I think I just need to put my trust in God that he will take care of him and me. My fear is that if he did cheat again I don't want another 15 years to go by before ever finding out. Thanks so much again for your encouragement and prayers
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RE: When will I feel secure? - 10/9/2008 11:20:58 AM
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restinginHim
Posts: 432
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stillovinhim...When after your spouse has been unfaithful do you feel secure and no worries or fears every time they walk out the door?
When you receive the Peace that comes from Jesus which passeth all understanding... and you gird yourself with the armor of God. Because as you've experienced there are attacks on you trying to destroy your faith and marriage.
Remember, You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world 1 John 4:4 I am praying for you, stillovinhim.
_____________________________
"As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love." John 15:9
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RE: When will I feel secure? - 10/9/2008 2:28:58 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2854
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From: NE Ohio
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quote:
I think I just need to put my trust in God that he will take care of him and me.
That's when.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: When will I feel secure? - 10/9/2008 3:59:23 PM
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MisterTR
Posts: 58
Joined: 5/23/2008
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Saying that when we learn to trust God on such an issue, we can then trust our spouse, is a good summary. That's so true.
If you still want ideas on timeframes...
I've heard 6-18 months is typical, but I listened to one of Nancy Leigh DeMoss' radio shows where it took 7 years before trust was fully restored. Thankfully, it doesn't have to take 7 years, but it obviously can take a long time.
_____________________________
"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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RE: When will I feel secure? - 10/9/2008 4:14:32 PM
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cindybode
Posts: 1542
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Northwest PA
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Have you told your husband what you've told us? If you're still having those kind of feelings, then you haven't been healed of all the pain your husband caused by his adultery. Together, you need to come up with something that will allow you to feel comfortable with what's going on. If that means he doesn't go unless you're with him, so be it. This is one of the consequences he has to deal with as a result of his sin.
_____________________________
If you lock in any creature, from rats to chickens to pigs to people, 10 to 30 or more in a box and force feed them you'll create little monsters. Confinement Education School Operations (CESOs) just don't compare to naturally pastured free-ranged kids.
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RE: When will I feel secure? - 10/10/2008 11:44:26 AM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 34
Joined: 4/16/2008
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Thanks for the replies. I am hearing that I need to trust God then I can trust my spouse. I will really try and do that, it is hard. I have some telling me that if it makes me uncomfortable (within reason and I don't know that dirtbike riding is a bad thing) then he just flat out shouldn't do it but then I have other tell me I need to trust in God and I can't control what he does it can make our marriage worse and if he's going to cheat he'll cheat. Thanks for your help
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RE: When will I feel secure? - 10/10/2008 11:03:31 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 781
Joined: 11/28/2005
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If you are constantly dealing with the I can't trust him
or I can't believe he's being faithful every time he walks out the door...
it's very possible that you came back home or
re-entered the marital relationship too soon.
You need more time to deal with the heartbreak of his betrayal -
perhaps marriage counseling would be of great help to you.
The heart has to heal and sometimes it takes awhile before you get
to the place where you are strong in your spirit and can honestly say
I can now trust my husband not only because he's won my trust but
because I gave all my fears/anxiety over the affair to the Lord - and
now I have the victory over those fears! Amen!
*Yes, I've been through that with a cheating spouse, unfortunately
he continued to cheat and eventually he walked out the door to go
be with his mistress.
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RE: When will I feel secure? - 10/11/2008 12:34:56 AM
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stillovinhim
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I'm still confused, if cindybode's advise is he should do nothing if it makes me uncomfortable then he should never walk out the door. Or Jaimestarcross are you saying if I can turn all my fears and anxieties over to the Lord and trust in him He will take my fears away? Sorry I am confused.
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RE: When will I feel secure? - 10/11/2008 3:37:47 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 781
Joined: 11/28/2005
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quote:
Or Jaimestarcross are you saying if I can turn all my fears and anxieties over to the Lord and trust in him He will take my fears away? Sorry I am confused.
*Everyone deals with mistrust from time to time but
if you're constantly struggling with worry over whether or not he's cheating or going to cheat again...
you haven't come to the point where you can trust your husband (IMHO.)
Yes, God can help you overcome the stronghold
of fear/anxiety but you do have a part to play in that as well. You must apply yourself to Renewing your mind with truth - God's Word and with what your spouse is doing to prove he's trustworthy.
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RE: When will I feel secure? - 10/13/2008 3:11:28 PM
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cindybode
Posts: 1542
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Northwest PA
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
quote:
Or Jaimestarcross are you saying if I can turn all my fears and anxieties over to the Lord and trust in him He will take my fears away? Sorry I am confused.
*Everyone deals with mistrust from time to time but
if you're constantly struggling with worry over whether or not he's cheating or going to cheat again...
you haven't come to the point where you can trust your husband (IMHO.)
Yes, God can help you overcome the stronghold
of fear/anxiety but you do have a part to play in that as well. You must apply yourself to Renewing your mind with truth - God's Word and with what your spouse is doing to prove he's trustworthy.
Agreed. You do have a huge part to play here. If you still find yourself unwilling (and yes, it's a choice on your part) to trust your husband despite overwhelming evidence that he is trustworthy, then you have some work to do. The first step is to be honest and admit to your husband that you're struggling with this. If your husband is committed to you and your marriage (and it sounds like he is), he should be willing to give up whatever he needs to give up while you heal. However, you can't stay stuck where you are. As your husband lays down his life (and his dirtbike!) for you, you need to respond to his efforts and let out the leash a little bit.
Question - has your husband ever allowed you to really talk through his affair? I don't mean the nitty gritty details - you don't want to know those - but how much he hurt you, how much pain it caused? Or did he give you a one line apology and expect that you'd never bring it up again?
_____________________________
If you lock in any creature, from rats to chickens to pigs to people, 10 to 30 or more in a box and force feed them you'll create little monsters. Confinement Education School Operations (CESOs) just don't compare to naturally pastured free-ranged kids.
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RE: When will I feel secure? - 10/13/2008 3:45:36 PM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 34
Joined: 4/16/2008
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I realize that I have a part to play, it's scary and it's har. Yes he did let me talk about his "one night stand" however some questions probably some of the more "intimate" ones he couldn't answer because he said he couldn't remember alot of detail being that it was 15 yrs earlier, but he held me through it all and was willing to talk about everything he could.
That's why I know it seems hard for me to not trust him, he's a friendly person, yes it scares me, he'll talk with anyone, the cashier whoever, he's just has a friendly personality, which I suppose is one reason I fell in love with him. He has stopped and dropped everything for me, that's why I'm wondering if I am tightening the leash too much by saying well if I can't go dirtbike riding then you can't. Thanks again for your thoughts and input, it truly does help
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I would bet that if he shows you he is willing to give it up for you, it'll become a no-big-deal before long.
). If he were to cheat on you again I am certain that you would have that gut feeling or instinct that something just wasn't right. If that does happen again, listen to it. IMO these instincts are actually promptings from the Holy Spirit that lets us know something is wrong in our marriage. 