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Me and my best friend/wife-to-be - 8/13/2008 5:57:12 PM
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gs88
Posts: 1
Joined: 8/13/2008
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So, I'm new to this forum, and obviously don't know any of you. But there's so much on my mind and I really wanted to get it out and see what other Christians think. It's easier to spill my thoughts in writing than in person :) - so that's what brings me here.
Right now, I'm 20 years old. I'm in a wonderful relationship with this incredible woman (who's also 20) who makes me so happy. We've been best friends for about four years and we've been in a relationship for 3 of those years. We both are really truly seeking God the best we know how. Neither one of us has really dated before each other. We went into the relationship both of us knowing that we didn't want to date anybody unless we felt like we knew they were the one - so obviously, that means things started out pretty serious (nearly three years ago!) - and are even more serious now. That philosophy on dating was each of our own personal convictions before we ever knew each other, and it's been so awesome to experience and learn so much with my best friend.
So, rewinding a bit, we began our relationship during my senior year in high school. After I graduated, I went off to college in Texas (which had been my plan for a couple years). I went there for two years and have had a really good time. But it's been so hard to be apart for months at a time - I spent a lot of time hanging out with her on the phone - it was almost always the highlight of my day. And I made lots of really awesome friends there. I've now made the decision to transfer to school back home (in Oregon, by the way). I didn't transfer only to be with her (though obviously that's a factor  ) I also wanted to be around some really awesome Godly friends and my family and my church (and out of the wretched heat of Texas!), not to mention I prayed a LOT and felt like this is what God wanted.
So this brings me to this Summer. I'm working hard and preparing to go to school at the end of September. The fact that I'm back home has opened up a lot of possibilities for me and my girlfriend. We're talking about the possibility of getting married about a year from now. We had always planned on finishing school before we got married, but now we're thinking about doing it sooner. We've been together through a lot of hard stuff in our lives (he parents getting divorced for one) and it's been wonderful to be able to be there for each other and encourage each other - we're both really sure about wanting to get married, the question right now is WHEN we want to. My parents are hesitantly supportive, I guess I would say. They feel like we're a bit young, but they also think that because she and I are so close maybe we should get married sooner (which means they're worried we'll go too far physically if we wait too long, which I find a little hurtful)....
If we got married it would be at the end of next Summer. I might be doing some internships mixed in with my schooling, so I would probably have six months of solid work (with pretty good pay) to save up some money. She would have one full year of school left after next summer, and I would have a year and a term left (if I did the internship stuff). Basically it means we would both be working and both be going to school for one more school year. So it would be busy. But we both so long to be able come home to each other (even if it's at the end of a busy day), and take care of each other....
On one hand, 21 seems kind of young to be getting married (that's how old we'll both be next summer) - but at the same time, who decides some arbitrary age that is "old enough"? Is it 30? 25? 23? 22? I think we both feel very ready for this in a lot of ways. I think we're more mature than a lot of people this age - though, of course we have some growing to do, as we will our entire life. I don't claim to be perfect. I do know that I love her and she loves me, and I see in both of us how we just want to serve, encourage, and make each other so happy.
So, I guess I'm just trying to pray about this and figure it all out. Thanks for reading through my thoughts (if you actually made it.  ) Is there anybody here with experience that feels like they have wisdom about any of this? If nothing else, it was good to get my thoughts out of my head and onto the page. Tell me what you think... Is it too much too soon in your opinion?
Thanks so much for any thoughts/wisdom you might have.
Blessings
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RE: Me and my best friend/wife-to-be - 8/13/2008 7:59:51 PM
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favoredmomof4
Posts: 27
Joined: 7/28/2008
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Hi, and "welcome to the boards!" as someone said to me not so long ago (I'm pretty new at this, too). I have to say that I was impressed with your post. You and your girlfriend are fairly young; but, it sounds to me like you're both very mature as well - in a godly sense.
My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We started dating in my last year of college, and married about 2 & 1/2 years later. So, finishing college wasn't an issue for us. (He didn't go to college.) The biggest issue for us (which I didn't even know at the time) was that I was not a Christian, and he was backslidden (to the point noone would have guessed he was a Christian). Thank God for praying family members - I was saved about 8+ months into our marriage, and he came back to the Lord with his whole heart shortly after our daughter was born (about 8 months after me).
I guess, to make a long story short, you and your girlfriend already have what many couples don't have - the Lord at the center of your relationship, and the desire to do what pleases Him. I honestly don't know if our marriage would have survived without God as our foundation. And, our marriage is something I treasure more and more each day. Just like you said, having someone to support and love you, and encourage you, is super. We have our issues (all couples do) - but, I wouldn't trade him for the world!
My only concern for you two is that you don't become overwhelmed with wedding plans/marriage that it would make either of you not want to finish your last year of school. But, it sounds like you
have already thought about that, and have a strong enough relationship to make it through.
God Bless You and I pray for wisdom as you make your decision!
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RE: Me and my best friend/wife-to-be - 8/13/2008 8:31:23 PM
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preserved
Posts: 613
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline
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Never experienced this...All I can say if God is for the two of you then who can be against you...Pray and allow God to lead your steps and decisions.
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RE: Me and my best friend/wife-to-be - 8/13/2008 10:21:39 PM
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MENU4EVR
Posts: 38
Joined: 7/1/2008
From: Sea-town
Status: offline
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WOW! Welcome! I am a newbie myself. Congratulations! It sounds like your headed in the right direction. I encourage you to stay in the word and keep the Lord as your focus :)
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RE: Me and my best friend/wife-to-be - 8/14/2008 1:28:16 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
Joined: 9/26/2007
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Welcome, GS.
Several things come in to play here:
-school - are you paying for it or are your parents paying for it? That's a measure of whether you are "on your own" or still dependent. It counts in the total score, so to speak.
- your parents' and her parents' opinion counts for a lot. They've been around a lot longer than you, they know you, and unless they are ax murderers, probably love you and have been looking out for your best all your life. So sit down with all four parents if you can, or two by two, and talk. What is their opinion of the match? What do they like about it and what don't they like about it. What do they wish you would do/understand (and listen carefully. You can get good instruction or you can reinvent the wheel and waste many years of your life).
- what does you pastor say? What do spiritually mature Christians who've known you for years think? What advice do they have for you? Where there are many counselors, there is victory!
-what is your spiritual maturity? Are you a "most every Sunday in church" Christian or are you daily reading your Bible, confessing sins the first time you discover them, and share your faith or have a ministry of some sort Christian? How about your gf?
- Do you have a career that you could fall back on for the next 40 years so if you married and had kids right away you could support them? In Jesus' time, when a guy knew the girl he wanted to marry, he got permission from her father (betrothal) and it was a match, but he left her and went and built a house for her. When the house was finished, he and his friends would go to get his wife! There was a wedding, a big party, and he carried her off to her new home. Of course, Jewish boys were taught a trade when they were about 10, so they already had a job and a livelihood at this point. It's not a bad one to consider.
There are several things you said that make me really respect you guys. You've never really dated others, but have looked at this relationship as going permanent. You are protecting your chastity (please don't be insulted when people express concern - this is an area where the majority of relationships that fail fail at. The tug is very strong, and God meant it to be). Bravo! You have many marks of the kind of people who really do well. You didn't move back primarily for her but have other things going on in your life (balance! Yay!). You're weighing different scenarios of what to do (using your heads). You're praying about it (taking God into the equation). You guys are doing so many things right.
What keeps you from marrying now? Three years is a long time. Can you finish school if married? Will your parents help you? (understand that you won't feel like the head of your house if your parents are paying some of the bills - not a good way to start off a marriage because you're establishing patterns that will last for decades, including dynamics and feelings). But every scenario has it's drawbacks so plot it all out and pick the one you think God is leading you to. Pray like crazy! God says He withholds no good thing from him who walks uprightly (Ps. 84:11).
You're right, there is no magic age for marriage. Circumstances differ (I was 38 when I got married, and it was perfect for me. But my kid is 40 years younger than me, so nothing is ideal). I'd encourage you guys to back off a little, finish school, you start working and carry her off to a glorious future together. But you're going to have to listen to God on that one for yourself. I am praying for you guys tonight. You two sound like good people. God bless you both.
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RE: Me and my best friend/wife-to-be - 8/15/2008 11:31:42 AM
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fluffmonkey
Posts: 1565
Joined: 2/17/2007
From: some where over the rainbow
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I am 21 and I am engaged to be married currently I work part time and trying to get full time or another part time until I can get full time...my Fiance who is actually younger has a full time job and is going to school...I know its going to be tough at times but we plan to get married by end of the year or beginning of next. This is what we want and our parents are fine with us getting married. I have found the main key is to keeping God in the center of your relationship! Which yall are doing, and no matter how hard things get remeber He is there for you. I know you have plans with school and all so just stick with them...and at times you may feel like giving up those plans but stay with them and everything will work out.
Anyways... I can sit here and tell you "yes get married" but thats ultimatly what yall need to decide and when that will be lol
Seek God and He will give you the Wisdom!
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Jennifer
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RE: Me and my best friend/wife-to-be - 8/20/2008 2:27:20 AM
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fingerprintsofgod
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/19/2008
Status: offline
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hello all(:
i agree with deermousie...
once again i'm so excited for all of you who are about to get married and all...
a little envious actually...
it is better to get married earlier too- like they said not to push the boundaries as it isn't easy i'm sure if you've been tog for 4 yrs...
and i've been together with my bf for abt 7 and friends for abt 8yrs
i just really want to settle down and all.
it looks like u all have plans and all so if all's planned out - why not?
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RE: Me and my best friend/wife-to-be - 8/26/2008 5:09:59 AM
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Lrenee
Posts: 10
Joined: 8/26/2008
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Throughout your post you never failed to exhibit consistent thoughtfulness. You will know if this is the best decision for you because instead of finding excuses not to, you will find more reasons to do. Therein lies the answer.
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RE: Me and my best friend/wife-to-be - 8/26/2008 6:51:36 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 4166
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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No I do not think 20 or 21 is too young to get married. When DW and I got married (31 years ago) I was 22 and she was a few months shy of 21. Did we have problems? Yes; but they were not due to age. If we had waited another 10 years the same issues would have been there.
Just make sure you get good godly premarital counseling, and keep yourselves committed to the Lord and HIS ways in everything you do.
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Avatar is DW holding Saphira at her first birthday party and myself holding Louvena at 30 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
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