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Marriage problems - need advice - 11/8/2008 10:19:55 PM
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iams8ved
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/8/2008
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I hope this is the right place for this post. Sorry for the long post. I just need to vent. Replies would be helpful but please do not feel obligated.
I am having marriage problems. I have been married 20 years and have a teen son and a pre-teen daughter. After my daughter was born, my wife began to have some problems – anxiety mostly, but severe cases. She was always depressed and always wished she was dead. But after the birth of my daughter it got worse as the years went on. She has difficulty making friends and keeping them. Her mother died this past year, (her father died years ago), and that brought a lot of emotions rushing to the surface –her depression became very serious.
She has been seeing a therapist for the past 6 months but I do not see any results. I am not a doctor but I think the therapist is missing the fact that she is bi-polar (which runs in her family). Now, we have stresses in our life but nothing more than anyone else: financial stresses; family relationship stresses; the potential loss of my job as my company re-organizes; and she has health stresses (she has many chronic, but not life threatening, health issues and has had them for almost as long as we have been married.)
After her mother died, she turned away from Christ. How can He exist if he let her mother die? If he has not blessed us financially? If he has not healed her of her health issues? So on top of all the daily drama, my wife has denied Christ.
As a result of all these issues it has strained our relationship. She is constantly angry. Now, she was always one to fly off the handle, put me down, never be happy about anything I did (no matter what, I was either wrong or did not do enough of something). She can never be happy – and I am tired of trying anymore. Over the past couple of years my son has been sharing his feelings with me about her that he does not feels loved; she favors his sister, and is always being belittled for something. In other words, he and I receive the same treatment. In fact he told me, if anything happened to our marriage, he wants to live with me. He has feelings and is very perceptive – he sees what is going on.
I want to see a marriage counselor (a Christian marriage counselor) and want to approach her with the idea. I know she will say no – she dislikes Christians and the whole Christian world view. Should I see a non-Christian counselor? Should we see separate counselors? At this point I am prepared to tough it out until my daughter reaches 18 then leave – I have had enough.
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RE: Marriage problems - need advice - 11/9/2008 9:38:05 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 796
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
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I am so sorry for what you are going through and will agree with you in prayer for the restoration of your marriage and family.
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RE: Marriage problems - need advice - 11/9/2008 7:08:23 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2071
Joined: 3/24/2008
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My dh, at one time or another, could've posted pretty much everything you did. Your wife is under spiritual attack and is in the process of grieving and battling depression. Your problems aren't really marital problems so I don't see marriage counseling helping much....you can't fix the problems between you till she gets things straight in her head. And God can do that! My best advice, understanding all too well where your wife sounds like she is right now, is to pray.
Try not to think about just staying till your daughter is 18, counting the days till you can give up....if you do that, you've already given up. If she senses that you've given up or that she's letting you down, it'll only compound her fear and guilt. Honestly, I have no idea how or why my dh was able to hang in there except by the grace of God. I wish I had better advice but all I can really offer is hope. God wants to restore what seems to strained or even hopeless right now, He wants to make it better than before and better than you can imagine...and He CAN.
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RE: Marriage problems - need advice - 11/9/2008 10:27:53 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
Joined: 9/26/2007
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I am so sorry, Iams8ved, this has got to be so hard. I agree with Csl - it's a spiritual attack. Find a wise Christian counselor if your pastor isn't good at this, and you go alone if you have to. And pray like crazy.
Depression is physical as well as spiritual, so it would be good to get her to a doctor. If she refuses to go, make a deal she'll start walking with you - exercise is a mood lifter, and it could lead to some good talks.
At one point in my life I had a similar problem, and my husband just kept loving me and occasionally slipping in a little bit of the truth. I can't tell you what turned me around because it was gradual and subtle, but it happened and I am grateful. It can happen for your wife, too.
I am praying for you all tonight. May God be merciful.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Marriage problems - need advice - 11/9/2008 11:06:53 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2071
Joined: 3/24/2008
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For deermousie (one who's advice I truly value here) to say she can relate to where your wife is, as well, just drives home the point that these are feelings common to the human heart. I think these kinds of struggles are the point to marriage and the reason God said it's not good for man to be alone. We are called to lift and build each other up - to make our spouse stronger in hard times.
By the world's standards, my dh should've walked away long ago. By conventional (even Biblical, according to many) wisdom, I'd even be justified in walking away right now. But that wouldn't accomplish God's purpose and would only bring more pain and struggle. Instead we're allowing God to restore what the enemy has worked so hard to destroy and came so close to succeeding.
I hate to think where I'd be now if he had given up on me when, by all accounts, he should've. This struggle may be exactly why you're in her life and you may be the only person close enough for God to use to reach her now.
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RE: Marriage problems - need advice - 11/11/2008 4:45:07 PM
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leesw
Posts: 30
Joined: 1/1/2006
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You really should take a look at http://www.marriagesaver.com
The seminar they talk about can do wonders!
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RE: Marriage problems - need advice - 11/11/2008 9:48:14 PM
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jaggie
Posts: 36
Joined: 11/6/2008
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If your wife is bipolar, she needs medication and tons of prayer. Therapy alone won't cut it. I have custody of my 13-month-old cousin, and his birth mother is bipolar. We have had all kinds of problems with her as a result of her untreated illness. She even had drugs delivered to her drug rehab house while she was on house arrest. People with bipolar will do all kinds of weird things because they are constantly cycling up and down; they really need the stabilization that medication provides. I believe it is a spiritual issue also with bipolar. The baby's mom did better when she was in that faith-based rehab house. I am praying for you and your wife.
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RE: Marriage problems - need advice - 11/11/2008 11:57:31 PM
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hnt
Posts: 541
Joined: 4/11/2005
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You really have your hands full. I will be praying for you both.
Remember her bipolar - and your issues could be two separate ones. I'm not saying that they don't knock heads okay? We have a lady in church with bipolar, and it took time to find the right - in their terms anyway - mixed of meds! You need some support on your end as you are struggling with this - find yourself a Christian counselor! You will need indivdual support as well.......and that's OKAY! Until she decides to face things, or her meds get straighten out - which ever it is..you can't move on to the next phrase.
There is a program called Attacking Aniexty and Depression. You may have seen the comercials. That company has been doing that for over 20 years, and the host speaks of her faith during the program. She is Chrisitan. She can get a touch of what you KNOW she needs along with items that might ring her bell of reality! Its not cheap, but I do know that they work out the payments with families on an individual basis. Just call customer service. They also offer a free 30 day trial - you just pay the $14.95 shipping cost to get it out to you. It's worth a shot!
I'm familiar with the program because that is one of the items I sell. That company has asked me to be dedicated to their product, but personally the callers really get to me. The success stories are out of this world. It will give her just a touch of faith - without offending her at this point...and may lead to her being more receptive. It also speaks to support systems - such as yourself to the feelings you are having dealing with this. Drugs from the doctor are a separate issue between her and her doctor. They sent the program to me so I could be more familiar with it. LOL I wish I had it when my father was alive!
Just a suggestion because it may help both of you meet 1/2 way. You don't have to tell her she is a Christian...I mean you don't have to MENTION it! She speaks of how her faith also helped her go forward with these tools. If she isn't receptive - I figure if she gets SOME she may be willing to hear more down the line! Kind of a combination of faith and some different type of therapy. The only reason I mention it is because she sounds mad. It may not be such a turn off to her.
Either way - I will be praying for your family!
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Marriage problems - need advice - 11/12/2008 1:40:30 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10364
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
Status: offline
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I AM NOT ALONE!
What you wrote could have been me. My wife is bipolar also. The meds aren't ever 100%, but they have cut the manic episodes. The depression is still there. Constantly.
Yes, iams8ved, go to counseling, by yourself if you have to. My wife and I went for a while, but she dropped out because she saw no benefit in it. The greatest thing I got from him was to always remember this - "It is not me, it is not thee, it is the ILLNESS". And that is what keeps me going, to remember that.
May God's grace and His blessings rain down on you, your wife and family.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Marriage problems - need advice - 11/21/2008 10:01:00 PM
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iams8ved
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/8/2008
Status: offline
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I am sorry I have not responded sooner - it has been difficult to get to the computer lately.
Thanks all for your advice and prayers. Especially your prayers. I have found a Christian counselor I intend to begin with for myself. My wife is welcome to come along but I do not think she will. Until then, I need the support of someone with a Christian perspective to help keep me on track and to keep me from going crazy will all the pressure and abuse. (wife can be abusive). I pray for her and our marriage constantly and will not cease. Thanks again to all.
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