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Lost..... - 11/12/2009 5:24:10 PM
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danielletayler
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/12/2009
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First of all, I would love to hear some others perspectives on my situation. My husband and I have been married for 20 years this past April, he is 40 and I am 42. We have two daughters, ages 17 (a HS senior, and 20 in college). Over the last few years, I pursued my BSN online and finished in May '08. I work full-time night shift (3 12hr shifts/wk) as an RN in ICU. August of last year, I thought I wanted to pursue my MSN ansd started that. Well I realized I was burned out and I was not happy with how my family or marriage was going, though there was nothing obvious at the time it just did not feel right. I called and broke down to my husband and he hit me with, "well I don't know if I want to be married anymore". This hit me like a ton of bricks. I asked if there was someone else and he denied it. We later found out (my daughter looked at his phone) that he had been texting and talkng to someone who lives in another town. They were an "item" when they were 12 and 13. She had contacted him innocently a few months prior to that on classmates just asking how he was doing, if he was married, etc. He told me about this and I did not think anything of it. He then confessed that this had been going on for about a month but he had never seen her as she lived out of state. He apologized and wanted to try to make it work. Well, we have been on a rollercoaster since. He says that while I was going to school, I basically put him and our relationship on the back burner and he cannot get over that. He is ready to walk out the door and end our marriage. I told him that I did not intentionally do this to hurt him. Do I remember times when I did, yes I do. I was a full-time mom, wife, student and had a full-time job. I did the best I could at that time. I love my husband so much and I am willing to do what it takes to make this work. I "forced" him he says to go to counciling in about January and he went with a bad attitude and will not go back. I went then and started up recently again. Any suggestions, questions, comments?
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RE: Lost..... - 11/12/2009 5:33:12 PM
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truthrevealed
Posts: 678
Joined: 12/6/2007
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It's pretty low and unfortunately typical for him to blame his actions on what you did and did not do. I'm sorry to hear you're facing this. Thing is, even if you were "absent" and made choices that you might not today(which still has ZERO do to with his choices), you're wanting and willing to work on your mariage today and he should be forgiving and willing as well.
In addition to remaining constant in prayer and finding good christian support, I'd advise that you ask God to forgive you in any way that you've erred, ask that forgiveness of your husabnd if neccesary and DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF ONE IOTA for his behavior!
_____________________________
God IS love. And he who dwells and continues in love dwells and continues in God, and God dwells and continues in him. I John 4:17 amp
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RE: Lost..... - 11/12/2009 7:08:30 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2455
Joined: 9/26/2007
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Phew. This is why we take vows when we marry: life is hard and not ideal. Sometimes we make sacrifices to better ourselves and that adds to the difficulty. Maybe the thing pursued wasn't the best idea, but it's no excuse to cry "I quit!" There is no quit in covenantal marriage. He's out of line.
Your husband is playing with breaking his vows, and he is enticed by a woman not his wife. It's his fault. No matter what spouses do, each person is required to do the right thing and keep their vows, and he is whining it's too hard. Too bad; he vowed (I'm sure) for better or for worse. If it's worse, he still is obligated to stay faithful and hang in there.
Run, don't walk, to the nearest copy of Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" as it is written for people in your situation. If the library or church library doesn't have it, do an interlibrary loan or hit the Christian bookstore.
Get your pastor in the loop and get counseling for yourself. Christian counseling, as a secular counselor will just tell you to get a divorce.
I'm sorry, dear. Insist he break off all contact with this woman before he decides he'd rather break off with you. This is an emergency.
If he decides to cheat, he needs to know from you that he'll lose his marriage, his kids, his family, his home and at least half his income and retirement. Funny how that sometimes reminds a person their marriage wasn't so bad.
God bless you, and may God give this guy a big reminder what his vows were and why he needs to keep them. I'm praying tonight.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Lost..... - 11/12/2009 10:59:15 PM
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fosco_bunce
Posts: 20
Joined: 12/5/2006
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hello daniell,
that kind of reminded me of our situation. when our daughter took off to college this year it left us alone.
Fortunately we were already connecting. But having more time to connect with each other and rediscover
each other again without reservations. Being able to talk openly with each other and share was a new
discovery. Much like we were before the kids came. Having time just for each other without kids. Not having
to make decisions based on the kids wellfare and all. Many call this the empty nestor symptoms and problems...
The good thing is we can go out on dates, have an intimate time alone for supper out on the town or simple
candlelight dinner. Just time to share alone.
We have regular yearly marriage retreats that we learn to open up share and learn new things about marriage and each other in these relationship settings there.
Can't say whether he is emotionally connected with another women, but, it may be more the case that
he is not emotionally connected with you, more then the latter. Doesn't mean he has connected with some
one or even more involved with another. RED flags in a situation are God's way of waking us up some
times.
Start the dating process it might help, can't hurt. reconnect, show interest in relationships not
school or eduation to him. He needs to know you care and love him still.
IMHO
_____________________________
F.R.O.G
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RE: Lost..... - 11/13/2009 1:48:55 PM
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Redjasper
Posts: 407
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I'm not much help to give advice in this situation, just wanted to mention if someone is in the situation that there spouse is in school that they take up some activity or course, or spends extra quality time with their children while the other one spends time with their studies. Everyone has the right to better themselves to be in better service for others, especially when it is a nurse. Cheating on the spouse has nothing to do with the other person studying, it's just an excuse for sinful behavior and extra marital affair. When I did my masters for two years, my husband started doing professional certifications for his own job (he could have been doing woodworking if that was his interest or whatever), so when the night came, we were both sitting down to study our own stuff (children are not a hinder). It worked. But again, this is not closely relevant to this situation, just wanted to say something about that issue.
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RE: Lost..... - 11/13/2009 2:00:40 PM
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dershuh
Posts: 37
Joined: 2/8/2007
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sorry for your situation. I was/am like your husband. My wife is an alcoholic for the last 10 years. She has since gotten into recovery. However for many years she shunned me. Then I met my old college sweetheart and had an affair for 2 years. IT WAS NOT my wifes fault. I was weak. I broke my vow. I have repented. Your husband needs to repent, forgive, and go to counseling to repair the situation. Yes you contributed, but YOU DID NOT make him break the vows. Take it from me.
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RE: Lost..... - 11/13/2009 3:15:02 PM
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danielletayler
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/12/2009
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I want to thank everyone for their responses thus far, I look forward to many more. It is just nice to get someone else's perspective on what is going on. I by no means am excusing my husband's feelings nor want one to choose sides. But, like "dershuh" I am not an alcoholic, use drugs, etc. I feel I have always been there for my family and did the best I knew how.
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RE: Lost..... - 11/13/2009 3:17:14 PM
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danielletayler
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Joined: 11/12/2009
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Thank You for your perspective on this.
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RE: Lost..... - 11/14/2009 3:54:20 AM
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loveishere
Posts: 5
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I'm sorry you're going through this. A couple things come to my mind. The movie Fireproof is excellent in describing the remedy for this. Love is not a feeling- it is a choice and love also "keeps no record of wrongs."
Really here I would do your part. Read the Word, seek godly counsel and draw closer to Him- see what you can do to love your husband more and that is the best remedy- also, understanding what is happening. A good marriage is built on God's agape love and the commitment to love each other through the bad times. Don't take the "marriage on the back-burner guilt trip." Talk through it if possible...apologize and go to a counselor if possible. With a Christian counselor especially, counseling can do wonders. It did for me! I'm not married but I had counseling and WOW it helps a lot with relational forgiveness and reconciling. mine was with my parents. Pray for Him. that is important as well. And do your best to keep the marriage together- this is God's desire!
Fireproof highlights respect as being what the man needs and love being what the women needs. you could get some great literature on this. even if your husband is sacraficially loving you with this leadership (it sounds as if he is not right now because he wants out) you can still with the help of the Holy Spirit submit to and respect your husband- with the help of God. remember that. will be praying for you. You can do it!
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RE: Lost..... - 11/14/2009 4:20:03 PM
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danielletayler
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/12/2009
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Update...he moved out last night and went to his mom's house. He says he is done, do you think maybe he just needs some time?? Please help??
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RE: Lost..... - 11/14/2009 9:18:33 PM
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loveishere
Posts: 5
Joined: 11/12/2009
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you can't force someone to love you- remember that. love yourself. that is the best you can do. Get a support group! Go to places and talk it out- cry it out. get support from a good christian counselor, a friendly church, good friends- anyone who is loving and supports you. this will help you feel better faster. go to the Lord and pray. Don't concentrate on him! He is struggling right now and most likely won't be much comfort or support to you. Getting on your feet is the best thing you can do for you and YES! Give it time! Don't divorce/seperate right away! Sometimes people simply need time to heal. God doesn't like divorce because it tears people apart and it is not a desired option in your case. i can see you truly care about him. God can heal anything. Concentrate on yourself. I would recommend giving him quite a bit of space and then seeing what happens- let the Lord be your comfort and other strong people who can give you guidance. chances are he is abusive somewhat. you cannot go to help from him right now. if he consents to counseling during a seperation (time to heal) then that would be great! Maybe a seperation isn't such a horrible idea. You can get through this because you are strong- God made you to be that way! Much love. I truly hope you succeed and find your way!
My testimony: I was an absolute mess at the age of 21. Drinking, promiscuous and then through a counseling session with my parents, God picked me up turned me around through this last year. An opportunity opened up for me to go to a Bible college and I took it. There I healed from the years of abuse I had recieved from family members. I moved out of my home-town for a while and got some space. Now I am a BIG FAN of the writers Cloud and Townsend. They write "Boundaries." Available at any big bookstore and some small ones possibly too. this is their website.http://www.cloudtownsend.com/ EXTREMELY helpful. they talk about this kind of situations you are in! Take control of your life and don't let abuse reign is what I have found to be the key to healing and not feeling trapped. It feels horrible to feel trapped and you DONT HAVE TO BE. You can be free from abuse! It comes down to a choice. it takes time but you don't have to live like this anymore. you don't deserve a life of pain and suffering- Christ wants you to be free! "The Truth will set you free." Not beating yourself up, not accepting responsibility for others lives but instead, accepting responsibility for your own actions and getting free from abuse mindsets that we practice and we allow others to practice on us!
Big chances are you could be reading the Bible through a victim of abuse mindset. always playing down how people abuse you and thinking you have not been abuse/are not when you are being and have been abused. And feeling guilty because of it! I remember what the guilt feels like and I'm with you on this on- it's not good. You don't have to let abusers control your life. It's not right. I am glad you came for help and hope you can be free soon! It feels so good to finally be free.
Thank you for posting girl. This helped me tremendously to write this out. Remember you are valued- God values you and there are many out there who do! Focus on the people who value you and love you just as you are. When you start feeling better, that is better for any kids involved, yourself, and your husband, despite what road he decides to take with your marriage. Blessings
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