Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still has sexual addiction.
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Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still has se... - 7/21/2008 10:24:30 PM
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LilyJolene
Posts: 3
Joined: 7/21/2008
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Hi everyone,
I need your prayers and comments. Seven years ago I found out that my husband was addicted to porn (online and mags). We went through all the process of recovery that we could think of doing (counseling, books, research, church, prayer, forgiveness, ect). I thought that things were ok, other than an occasional poke from the Holy Spirit warning me that something was amiss, which I often passed of as distrust . Then over this past winter things really started to slide down hill.
I sensed that he was using (M), but he always denied it. Over the past two months I have found out that he was and that he has also used porn and is still struggling (greatly) with his addiction. Since finding our (again) I have asked him to leave, which he did a week ago. He has now joined a support group and has an accountability partner. He is also going to a counselor, talking to the pastor, and is doing a program called The Avenue that is for men struggling with porn addictions.
My problem now is that I don’t think I can do this again. I don’t think I want to do this again. I also don’t think that God wants me to do this again. My husband has still not totally came clean, thus is not completely repentant.
I feel lost, week, and hurt again. I don’t know what to do.
Will you pray for me and for my husband? And if anyone has ever gone through this a second time could you please give me some advice if you have any.
In Christian Love
Jo
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/22/2008 1:24:41 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1862
Joined: 9/26/2007
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(((Hugs))), LilyJolene. This is hard, and I'm not going to minimize it.
Many men struggle with this, and there is victory in God. The first victory is wanting to conquer it I think. There is no problem that God can't fix, so pray for your man, that he can overcome the wolftrap on his face. And pray that God will give you strength and forgiveness, because your husband has hurt you and could hurt you more - and God can heal that, too. If you aren't willing, then ask God to make you willing to be willing. Step it back however far you need to, but will open to God making a change.
I don't fault you for being wary. This is a spiritual battle, even though it's manifested in the flesh. Satan fights dirty, and uses God's gifts in perverted ways to lie and kill. Thank God for His victory, even though you don't see it yet, and trust him and not your husband. Because your husband is in the middle of a spiritual tug of war, and it's tough.
Hang in there, dear one. It won't suddenly be fixed, so hunker down for the long siege, and fight the good fight. Be prepared for being tired, discouraged, despair, anger, resentment, entitlement; you name it, Satan is going to mess with your mind. Resist him and he must flee. The name of Jesus sends him running away. Be or become willing to let God work through you however He wants too; there lies peace for you and support for your husband.
That your husband got himself into counseling sends a loud message he's trying to save your marriage. Meet him halfway at least.
May God save your husband and your marriage and have total use of you as His soldier, willing to go whereever He asks. God bless you guys. I'm praying for you now.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/22/2008 12:53:04 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 625
Joined: 7/13/2007
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LillyJolene, there is hope. I have been through this many times. My husband used p and m for many years while making empty promises and feeble efforts to quit. He finally came to TRUE repentance and turned back to God in May of 2007. Since then our marriage has blossomed into something more beautiful and fulfilling than I'd ever imagined.
Like Deermousie said, it most likely will be a long fight if you choose to stay. It is hard and I know how much it hurts but it is possible for a marriage to overcome this.
I do believe that you have the freedom to leave since your husband has committed emotional/mental adultery continuously. But I would advise you to stick around and watch his actions in order to see if he will really change. It took my husband ~ 1 week last year before he came clean to me completely. That's not an uncommon thing in such situations as ours. The change is a gradual one....it doesn't happen overnight. Although the porn use can and should stop immediately. The change I'm talking about is one of attitude and heart.
My prayers are with you, dear sister. ((((LilyJolene))))
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/22/2008 1:48:48 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 790
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I encourage you to respond positively when the Holy Spirit lets you know something is amiss - immediately go into prayer for your spouse or whatever the matter is that's laid on your heart.
Also, have you addressed your problem with distrust?
People can sense/feel distrust coming from their mate - and that only complicates their own struggle with a particular sin.
When you felt that your husband was still struggling with inappropriate sexual gratification - (he needed his help-meet/mate to be there for him in this battle) the Holy Spirit prompted you that something was amiss - you're both in this battle!
(The Bible lets us know that sexual sin is committed with the whole body... that is why it's so hard for people - their whole body is caught in the "thrill" of sexual gratification.) And for a Christian (who's body is indwelt by the Holy Spirit) this battle is a major one!
1 Corinthians 6:18-20
Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.
Encourage your spouse and pray for him to submit his heart, mind and spirit to overcoming sexual sin.
Here's a verse for your husband to use in the battle -
Romans 13:14
Put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts.
Ecclesiastes 10:18(NLT):
Laziness leads to a sagging roof; {unsupported structure - God isn't your main focus you're doing things in your own strength - priorities not in order.}
idleness leads to a leaky house. {spiritual weak, becoming self -centered - variety of sins maybe entering in & causing problems in your life/home.}
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/24/2008 1:15:30 AM
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MowTin
Posts: 31
Joined: 4/20/2007
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I want you to know that your husband's behavior has nothing to do with you or how attractive you are. I know you must feel like he prefers the women in those images to you but I could assure that even if you were the most beautiful woman in the world would still happen.
You have to understand that men struggle with very powerful urges. In our sexualized society every day your husband walks out the door he sees women dressed provocatively. Every time he opens a magazine or a newspaper he is bombarded by sexual images. Every time he turns on the television there are Victoria Secrets "angels" walking around in their underwear.
Your husband like most men probably grew up with porn. When he was a curious adolescent porn was his frist images of sex and women. He probably used porn to get through those very difficult hormonal adolescent years.
He may want to quit but may be unable to. It's sort of like trying to quit eating fatty and high calorie food. Easy isn't it? Just stop eating those awful foods. Eat healthy food and you'll lose weight and have a healthier heart and longer life. It makes sense so it must be easy to just stop right?
Well, some people can just make up their minds to stick to a diet and may quit eating junk foods and never turn back. But most people struggle. Most people go in and out of diets and struggle to control their eating even when they really desperately want to lose weight.
Well, it's the same with men who struggle with porn. Some have powerful wills and can stop cold turkey. But most men go in and out and struggle.
He probably feels like you're looking down on him and judging even though you've never been a man and struggled with the powerful urges he struggles with every day. He probably feels like he should get some credit for being faithful to you when most men aren't faithful (I'm assuming this).
Are you judging him? Are you looking down on him?
But I think you may be going about this the wrong way. What if you said to your husband, "I love you and I am deeply concerned about what these pornographic images are doing to your relationship with God. But I am not going to try and police you. I'm going to trust you to struggle with this problem on your own. I will support you with my prayers. And I believe that you will overcome by God's grace." Pray with him go to church with him be a comfort to him but stop policing him. Just trust him unto the grace of God.
I think this just too common a problem to warrant a divorce. I don't know if you're fully aware of just how common a problem this is. If he's not physically or verbally absuive, not a drunk or drug addict, not a constantly unemployed bum and not a serial skirt chaser then you got pretty lucky in the man lottery.
Anyway, if you try to police him then you'll just drive yourself crazy with anger and frustration. But maybe if you let go a little and just love him and encourage him.
This is just my opinion. Take it or leave it. Again, I'm sorry you're in so much pain.
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/24/2008 9:35:40 AM
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LilyJolene
Posts: 3
Joined: 7/21/2008
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Thanks everyone.
I have had many many years to deal with policing and distrust. In fact I have even gotten down on my knees and asked my husband (3 years ago) to forgive me for not trusting in him. How humiliating is that now that I know that all the while he really was doing porn and that is why I was not trusting. It was not because I policed him. I had stopped that years ago. I had given it all to God. I had prayed for him everytime I got the poke from the HS that something was amiss. I always stopped my first fear response got down on my knees and prayed for strength and gauidance for both of us.
I have done all the encouraging things that a Godly wife is to do and say. I have done it all. I know that I have behaved in a Godly way for over the past three years. I have done all that I could and now its no longer "our battle" but his. I know that God has released me from helping him. Its his problem, his battle. I have done all that I could do and now its his beast of burden to carry. I will still pray for him and encourage him for his sake, but I will NOT try to save him from his problems anylonger. It is out of my control its totally in Gods and his own hands. If he wants me, if he loves me more than he loves porn, and if he wants to change NOT for me but for himself. He will fight this battle and win with God. But, this time he has to do it alone with only God to save him and to help him.
I have spent seven long years educating him, praying for him, supporting him, encouraging him, being the Godly and submissive wife, and it didnt work. It didnt work because I was forgetting about the will of man and Gods law that allows them to do as they choose no matter how hard we try to help them not to do it. He knows all there is to know about his sexual addiction. God has used me to give him all the information he needs, as well as all the love, understanding, forgiveness and encouragement that any man could ask for or even desire. HE still chose his path. And he did it of his own free will knowing that it would cause our divorce if he did. He chose to love, honor, and treasure his P and M more than he does me or our relationship, more than his relationship with God.
I have been fighting for my marriage for over ten years now. And my battle is over. God knows that I have done all that He has asked me to do. It is between him and God now. Its not my burden or my battle anylonger. He has all the wisdom, love, and understanding he needs to win this battle, its totally up to him and God now. I KNOW that God has removed me from the burden of carring a sinful mans consequences. A man who refuses to repeant (truely) come clean and do what is right. Now He is telling me to dust off my feet and leave the home or town of a sinful people who will not listen or change their ways.
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/24/2008 10:36:19 AM
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LilyJolene
Posts: 3
Joined: 7/21/2008
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The only thing that I know that I have not done is to TRULY hold him accountable for his actions, to let him suffer the consequences of his choice to continue to sin, and make him carry the burden of the results of his own willful sins. God does not expect us to except or remain in a relationship with a person who continues to sin against us. God himself does not except us if we do not confess and stop sinning. He will not rush in and save a person who is sinning and not repentant. When we sin again he brings us back on our knees and we have to suffer the consequence of our sin. Yes He excepts us back (after confession, and true repentance) but we still have to reep what we have sown. God does not magically remove his consequences from us even when we repent, He waits and watches us and searches our hearts, and puts us through trials to see if we will choose His way over our sinful natures way.
I am now setting up boundries and saying, "I will not except lies, I will not except unfaithfullness, I will not except a man who will not help himself or carry his own burden". We are to carry the burdens of those who are repentant, who have changed their hearts, who are walking in the way that is right. I am not to carry the burden of a sinner. If I do I am getting in the way of God breaking their will and leading them back to him. I am stepping in and resqueing him from the consequences that God has layed on his back.
I will not except my husband back into my life until I know that he has given up his will. Until he has changed everything about his thought life, is responsibly bearing his own consequences, is no longer looking to me to be his savior, is no longer wanting to change to save our marriage; but rather has changed because he knows that his behavior has to change for God and for himself--not for me---not for us.
I want him to choose not to sin because it harms him and because it is against God. I no longer want him to change for me or for the sake of our marriage. In order for him to do this he has to come to truly and totally hate his sin. Right now he dosent. He says he does, but his willful desire to continue it says load and clear to me---"I love the way it makes me feel, I love P & M, and that is why I still do it". I could come up with a million reasons for why he does it, but it all comes down to the very same reason---a part of him loves it--treasures it---and wants to do it. It is the same with any addiction. He has been off P & M many times long enough to break his addiction to it, but he goes back to it because he likes it---period. Sure their may be triggers that cause him to be more volnerable to doing it, but the truth still remains--he likes it---he likes it and treasures it even though it causes him and me to suffer. He feels an intitlement to it, because he likes and even loves it more than he loves God, himself, or me.
Its about time that he stops using all of the shallow excuses that enable him to use P & M. He is not a victum to it, he chooses it. He makes the deliberate choice to do it for one reason only---he enjoys it, treasures it, loves it. A part of him may hate it--but the total reality is that a bigger part of him likes and even loves it, feels intitled to it, and therefore he continues on in his sinning.
Sorry if I am rambling, I am just free style writting because I am so angry and hurt and I refuse to stuff all this. I am just sick and tired of myself being so weak that I cant even make him "truly" suffer any consequences for the things he has done. I have not allowed God to step in and make him hurt for what he has choose to do. I get it now. I thought that I wasnt allowing or enabling him, but the truth is---I was, by not seperating myself from the sinner he really is, and by not making him suffer the consequence of the loss of me, our home, my love and support, and our life together.
I refuse to be so weak. I refuse to cave into my desire to be with him, to help him, and to be loved. I am loved by God and myself, that is enough for me. I will not allow him to tear me down again. He will suffer from the choice he has made. I am stepping back from him and allowing God to work. I no longer am willing or required to help him. If he wants to change for God and for himself--he will, but this time I am not going to help him change.
PS Sorry about any grammer errors, I am leaving them because I just simply do not care at this point. I am sick of "fixing" everything.
< Message edited by LilyJolene -- 7/24/2008 10:42:49 AM >
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/24/2008 11:06:18 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 790
Joined: 11/28/2005
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quote:
I KNOW that God has removed me from the burden of carring a sinful mans consequences. A man who refuses to repeant (truely) come clean and do what is right. Now He is telling me to dust off my feet and leave the home or town of a sinful people who will not listen or change their ways.
*You didn't have to stay in a home where porn and lies were an ongoing thing --- here's the verses of scripture:
"I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat." {1 Corinthians 5:9-11}
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/24/2008 2:33:44 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 625
Joined: 7/13/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
quote:
I KNOW that God has removed me from the burden of carring a sinful mans consequences. A man who refuses to repeant (truely) come clean and do what is right. Now He is telling me to dust off my feet and leave the home or town of a sinful people who will not listen or change their ways.
*You didn't have to stay in a home where porn and lies were an ongoing thing --- here's the verses of scripture:
"I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat." {1 Corinthians 5:9-11}
I agree. LilyJolene, I'm so sorry that your husband has chosen this path. IMO you aren't required to stay with a man who is constantly being unfaithful. In fact, in some situations like this it comes to a point where staying could be more harmful than leaving. It sounds like you've done all that you could do (and then some) to save this marriage but it takes two people to have a marriage.
I don't think that sexual immorality/adultery can be compared to eating unhealthy foods. It's just not even in the same ballpark. There's a big difference between unhealthy eating habits and cheating on one's spouse. At least when you eat unhealthy foods you are mainly harming yourself but when a husband looks at porn he is breaking his marriage vows and commiting adultery in his heart/mind which directly affects the wife.
ETA: If I knew that my choosing to eat a deep fried twinky would break my husband's heart I would not even think of looking at one. It would be a great incentive to never eat one again. So if a husband knows that looking at porn will break his wife's heart why would he go ahead and do it? God has given us freedom. We aren't slaves to sin anymore. Therefore it is possible for ALL Christian men to give up porn cold turkey. Sadly though IME most choose not to. It may be hard but it is a choice.
< Message edited by Hislittleone -- 7/24/2008 2:39:51 PM >
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/24/2008 3:52:55 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1638
Joined: 5/27/2006
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quote:
The only thing that I know that I have not done is to TRULY hold him accountable for his actions, to let him suffer the consequences of his choice to continue to sin, and make him carry the burden of the results of his own willful sins.
((((LilyJolene))))
I think that taking steps to end the marriage is inevitable. Maybe these will be the consequences that finally cost him more than he is willing to pay for his little habit.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/25/2008 1:08:30 AM
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MowTin
Posts: 31
Joined: 4/20/2007
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quote:
ETA: If I knew that my choosing to eat a deep fried twinky would break my husband's heart I would not even think of looking at one. It would be a great incentive to never eat one again. So if a husband knows that looking at porn will break his wife's heart why would he go ahead and do it? God has given us freedom. We aren't slaves to sin anymore. Therefore it is possible for ALL Christian men to give up porn cold turkey. Sadly though IME most choose not to. It may be hard but it is a choice.
Well most people know that high cholesterol foods and being overweight can lead to heart disease and death. Why do they keep eating brownies and Big Macs and gaining weight knowing that it may lead to a heart attack and stroke leaving their children orphans and spouse widows/widowers?
If self-discipline were easy life would be great. I would have six-pack abs, sleep at 10 and wake up at 5am every morning to workout.
At least half of all Christian men struggle with porn. Please read this article from crosswalk http://www.crosswalk.com/1336107/page1/
They say 50% but I think it's more like 80%. Think about it if 50% had the courage to stand up and admit it how many were to ashamed or fearful to standup?
If you think about it King David watching Bathsheba bathing is like pornography only much much worse.
Now look at the headlines. Look at Eliot Spitzer or Christy Brinklie's husband Robert Cooke.
I think if you believe that you can take a man who struggles with porn to a few counseling sessions and lay hands on him and halleluia! he's free! Then you'll really be disappointed and heart broken when you find him at it again. It will be a life long struggle. He'll never be "cured" The key is to have an evironment that makes it easier for him to stay the course.
You have to have a more realistic view of what "cured" means.
And finally, I think this expansion of the definition of adultery to include a relationship with a magazine is doing great harm to Christian marraiges.
I was watching a documentary about Martin Burnham and his wife--missionaries kidnapped by Abu Sayeff (sp?). Martin died during a rescue attempt. His wife said something that really touched me. She was talking about hatred she felt for the her kidnappers who were laughing mercilessly about a hostage they executed. She said the spiritual lesson she learned from her captivity is that "we are all the same." She felt that she was as big a sinner as those killers.
It made me think that maybe I was as big a sinner as my wife.
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/25/2008 10:01:00 AM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1638
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quote:
They say 50% but I think it's more like 80%. Think about it if 50% had the courage to stand up and admit it how many were to ashamed or fearful to standup?
If you think about it King David watching Bathsheba bathing is like pornography only much much worse.
I assure you neither my husband, nor my son, nor any of my brother-in-laws, nor my father-in-law, nor my nephews view porn.
Why would anyone want to stand up and admit to habitual disrespect for the Word of God? Rather they should turn form it, immediately! It is a far greater poison than cholesterol or junk food! It damages the spirit of the man and crushes the heart of the woman he vowed to "forsake all others, clinging only to her"!
My neighbor claims 95% of guys cheat on their wives. I just think men who indulge in sexual sin try to justify it in their own minds by claiming everyone, or at least most everyone else is doing it too.
They are not. If you view porn you are a compromiser making excuses for your adulterous heart. Face the truth. It is the truth that will set you free. The feeble excuses above "it's not different than eating junk food" "everyone else does it too" will only keep you in bondage forever.
Please be warned: Unrepented sin, indulged in repeatedly, will result in destruction!
It will "take you farther than you meant to go, keep you longer than you meant to stay, and cost you way more than you meant to pay" (Sandy Fetow quote)
quote:
Galatians 6:7-8
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature[a]will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/25/2008 10:39:23 AM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1638
Joined: 5/27/2006
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quote:
And finally, I think this expansion of the definition of adultery to include a relationship with a magazine is doing great harm to Christian marriages.
No, it is the indulgence of the sinful nature that is doing great harm to Christian marriages.
The pain and disgust women feel is visceral. No one has to teach us to feel that way.
Wives are not heartbroken and disgusted because a preacher told them they should be.
They feel that way because they have been betrayed by their husbands (he is not enthralled with their beauty-any stranger will do!) and the man they once respected, a man made in the image of God and washed in the blood of the Lamb, has shown that he is no better than a rutting animal. 
It is a very hard thing to have to face, and I applaud all the wives who have stuck by their husbands while waiting for their repentance. I could not stay with an unrighteous man. I would rather live alone the rest of my life than live with an immoral lying spouse. So kudos to those brave women willing to try to help their enslaved husbands.
As a delivered smoker and druggie, I assure you, there is deliverance from the Lord for every vice, but it is only for those who want to be delivered. As long as you still love your vice more than you love the Lord, you will remain in bondage.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/25/2008 5:00:03 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 625
Joined: 7/13/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: shadowspring
quote:
They say 50% but I think it's more like 80%. Think about it if 50% had the courage to stand up and admit it how many were to ashamed or fearful to standup?
If you think about it King David watching Bathsheba bathing is like pornography only much much worse.
I assure you neither my husband, nor my son, nor any of my brother-in-laws, nor my father-in-law, nor my nephews view porn.
Why would anyone want to stand up and admit to habitual disrespect for the Word of God? Rather they should turn form it, immediately! It is a far greater poison than cholesterol or junk food! It damages the spirit of the man and crushes the heart of the woman he vowed to "forsake all others, clinging only to her"!
My neighbor claims 95% of guys cheat on their wives. I just think men who indulge in sexual sin try to justify it in their own minds by claiming everyone, or at least most everyone else is doing it too.
They are not. If you view porn you are a compromiser making excuses for your adulterous heart. Face the truth. It is the truth that will set you free. The feeble excuses above "it's not different than eating junk food" "everyone else does it too" will only keep you in bondage forever.
Please be warned: Unrepented sin, indulged in repeatedly, will result in destruction!
It will "take you farther than you meant to go, keep you longer than you meant to stay, and cost you way more than you meant to pay" (Sandy Fetow quote)
quote:
Galatians 6:7-8
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature[a]will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
 Excellent post Shadow! I completely agree. Thanks for having the courage to speak the truth boldly.
ETA: My husband no longer looks at porn (or women in real life), nor does my father (never has), nor do I, my sisters don't, mother doesn't either. I could probably list more but those are the people I'm closest to that I know don't look at porn. The percentages of men who look at it are high. I agree with that. But the percentages shouldn't be so high among the Christian men. It is sexual immorality and it's a shame that so many Christian testimonies are ruined because of a selfish desire to please the flesh instead of God. Christian men need to say "No more" and stop giving excuses. I know it's a hard battle to fight. But does that mean it shouldn't be fought? Does that mean that victory is a lost cause? No. We are all sinners but that doesn't mean we should excuse unrepentant sin in our lives. And saying "Well, no one is perfect and we all sin" is an excuse to make oneself feel better. It's not ok to feel better about sin. Sin is bad and we should feel bad if we do it (whatever it is).
I have also dealt with an addiction. I smoked off and on for over 10 years. When I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to quit I asked God to help me and set about quitting. I haven't smoked in almost 3 years. They say that nicotene is one of the most addictive substances. Once I started turning from my rebellious ways I knew that I had to give up that habit. It wasn't easy but I did it. I knew that if I didn't I would be directly ignoring that call from God. And since I wanted to draw closer to Him I knew that addiction had to go. Period.
< Message edited by Hislittleone -- 7/25/2008 5:18:35 PM >
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/26/2008 4:09:30 AM
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MowTin
Posts: 31
Joined: 4/20/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: shadowspring
They feel that way because they have been betrayed by their husbands (he is not enthralled with their beauty-any stranger will do!) and the man they once respected, a man made in the image of God and washed in the blood of the Lamb, has shown that he is no better than a rutting animal.
No better than a rotting animal? I would say no better than me no better than you. None of us in our own nature are any better than any other. We are all sinners worthy of the wrath of God. Because we are saved by Grace we feel no superiority to those who are not. And we feel compassion for those who struggle with sin. We hate sin but the sinner we love and feel compassion for.
Remember that Jesus was always accused of associating with tax collectors and prostitutes. I think true Christianity opens your heart and makes you more tolerant of sinners.
I think women need to make a greater effort to try to understand men and their struggles.
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/26/2008 11:12:25 AM
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NotDoneYet
Posts: 288
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LilyJolene
Hi everyone,
I need your prayers and comments. Seven years ago I found out that my husband was addicted to porn (online and mags). We went through all the process of recovery that we could think of doing (counseling, books, research, church, prayer, forgiveness, ect). I thought that things were ok, other than an occasional poke from the Holy Spirit warning me that something was amiss, which I often passed of as distrust . Then over this past winter things really started to slide down hill.
I sensed that he was using (M), but he always denied it. Over the past two months I have found out that he was and that he has also used porn and is still struggling (greatly) with his addiction. Since finding our (again) I have asked him to leave, which he did a week ago. He has now joined a support group and has an accountability partner. He is also going to a counselor, talking to the pastor, and is doing a program called The Avenue that is for men struggling with porn addictions.
My problem now is that I don’t think I can do this again. I don’t think I want to do this again. I also don’t think that God wants me to do this again. My husband has still not totally came clean, thus is not completely repentant.
I feel lost, week, and hurt again. I don’t know what to do.
Will you pray for me and for my husband? And if anyone has ever gone through this a second time could you please give me some advice if you have any.
In Christian Love
Jo
There IS hope and "success" at the end of it...I won't get into the nitty-gritty details, but my husband struggled with the same things and more...however, he renounced it ALL about a month ago...asked me to "scrub" his computer (he has his own laptop so I never had to worry about the children accidently seeing what he had viewed), and has renounced all the habits and addictions. Unfortunately, it took threatening to leave...and him knowing that I could and would leave him.
We will celebrate our 10th anniversary this fall...and at this time I'm more hopeful about my marriage than I have in years...
Keep the faith...it took 10 years of praying for this to happen.
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
Ranting and raving: diaryofaravingmom.blogspot.com
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/26/2008 11:29:18 AM
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JerrynDolli
Posts: 127
Joined: 9/13/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
He has now joined a support group and has an accountability partner. He is also going to a counselor, talking to the pastor, and is doing a program called The Avenue that is for men struggling with porn addictions.
It is understandable you would feel hurt. I'm sure you felt betrayed again... it is a rare wife who wouldn't. Lust in such an area is very difficult for men. King David failed to the same fate. He was looking a undressed woman (Bethsheba), and began to lust for her... and went after her. Oh by the Grace of God... there go so many men... and now even women are falling in this area. I don't understand this area, because this is not my weakness... Oh by the Grace of God. Yet, because it causes the wife to feel rejected and unloved we want to strike out with vegenance. I know my ex-husband left me for another. And pornography gives the same sense of desertion. However, there is Hope, the fact that He went to get help again. He apparently does love you and
want the marriage to work. The best thing was he was caught and he more than likely was grateful... because he problably did not know how to get out of the trap.
You have to take your eyes off of you being offended, and esteem his walk with God above your hurt right now. This is what was spoken to my heart when I discovered the adultery and he walked out of my life. This helped me to pray and be more concerned with his walk with God and his eternal position, than his offence and rejection of me. I hope this will help you get over the disappointment as well. Remember, in Psalms 103... David stated it is against you and you only God I have sinned. Yes, your hubby sinned against you... but, the greater sin was against God. He was jeopardizing his relationship with God. Satan knows our weakness... and he will continue to come after it. We all have them. Mine is materialism... what is yours. I state is, because I must always be aware how easy it would be for me to all back into that sin... I must be mineful to guard my heart and eyes from catalogs, commercials, junkmail etc. In a sense I bet most department store catalogs and coupons are just as addicting as the magazines men fall prey too. When we recognize that we all fall short of God's glory and that God rates all sin as sin... it helps us to forgive and pray for others to come out of sin vicious trap. Take the time and ask your husband what triggered or tempted him to fall back... of course the word of God states that when we are tempted, it is because what lies within us. Well, satan does each of our bent... and until we practice to place that flesh under the feet of Jesus... the bait satan uses will draw us back towards that sin. When we recognize we will always need Jesus's strength via the Holy Spirit... then we will be successful in overcoming. But, first we must recognize we cannot do anything with Him.
Maybe, your husband that he had it licked. Maybe, (not saying he was... but ask him)... he was critical of those who did not overcome.... when criticize others... you know, take heed least you fall....well, sometimes it will be revealed that we still can fall. So you also must be aware, you too can fall... maybe not here, but in your area of weakness. Please may we all learn mercy.
So take the time, when you're ready to forgive (what he did to fail God and disappoint you) and asked him how did he get entrapped again.
Just food for thought. I wish in my past marriage I was more forgiving and asked questions. I try to do so in this one. We all need to heard first, so that the person offended can give an opportunity to listen to what they need from us to make amends, then given the opportunity to respond on whether or not we're ready to change.
I'm praying you and all of us... We all stand in the need of prayer. I hope your husband is serious this time, for it appears you love him dearly.
~Dolli
< Message edited by JerrynDolli -- 7/26/2008 12:43:54 PM >
_____________________________
Who2Vote4?
http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-pIJob_A9dLDElJiYKYORESFSxLhHORMJ?l=1&u=5&mx=9&lmt=5
Jesus/HSpiritHelp!
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5
Being Real With Dolli
http://beingrealwithdolli.blogspot.com/
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/26/2008 12:26:33 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 473
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
Status: offline
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I don't think I can add anything more to what everyone else has said here. As a man, your story (as well as the stories of many others here) saddens me deeply as I read post after post on how porn and sexual sins are destroying so many families. I really do feel for the women here who are dealing with a husband that wont repent. There comes a point in time where I do believe you have to draw the line and sever ties with a spouse that simply refuses to repent and get help. May God bless you for your perseverance in being a godly wife.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/26/2008 3:49:53 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 625
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ
I don't think I can add anything more to what everyone else has said here. As a man, your story (as well as the stories of many others here) saddens me deeply as I read postI really do feel for the women here who are dealing with a husband that wont repent. after post on how porn and sexual sins are destroying so many families. There comes a point in time where I do believe you have to draw the line and sever ties with a spouse that simply refuses to repent and get help. May God bless you for your perseverance in being a godly wife.
ChoirDJ, thank you for offering empathy for the wives who have been hurt by an unrepentant husband. It's always good to hear from a man who understands the devastation and hurt that can be caused by this sin.
Like NotDoneYet, it took my husband ~12 years before he repented. Now our marriage is being healed, praise God. But the road was a long and hard one. It was definitely worth it though.
If a husband looks at porn then repents and stops doing it that's one thing. But when a spouse continues in it when he is given opportunity after opportunity to quit it's another matter entirely and needs to be dealt with. Yes, we are all sinners but that doesn't mean we don't hold each other accountable. The Bible instructs us to do so.
1 Corinthians 5:9 I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.
12What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13God will judge those outside. "Expel the wicked man from among you."----courtesy of biblegateway.com
This passage is pretty clear. I believe in forgiveness....don't get me wrong. But forgiving doesn't mean we should continue to allow a spouse to cheat over and over without calling them out on it and holding them accountable. When they show by their actions that they are not repentant it's time for serious consequences. Loving someone doesn't mean that you stand by while they go down a path of destruction. As Christians we should stand for righteousness and when we see a brother who is continually commiting adultery then we should apply this Scripture. I think we should follow the Matthew 18 model and if the husband refuses to repent we should separate ourselves from him as we are instructed to do with the brother who is sexually immoral in Corinthians.
Matthew 18:15"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.-----courtesy of biblegateway.com
ETA: It's not about feeling superior or like we ourselves aren't sinners. We all fall short of the glory of God. But like I said, that doesn't mean we shouldn't hold each other accountable like we are instructed to do. We can love and forgive while setting boundaries in place. In fact, it is more loving to have boundaries/consequences than not having them. Doesn't the Bible say that God disciplines those He loves? If so then shouldn't we Christians follow that model in our relationships with our brothers and sisters in Christ? Scripture says that a wise man heeds instruction/correction/rebuke. So how is rebuking/correcting someone wrong?
< Message edited by Hislittleone -- 7/26/2008 3:57:55 PM >
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RE: Is there any hope for my marriage: husband still ha... - 7/26/2008 7:05:33 PM
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MowTin
Posts: 31
Joined: 4/20/2007
Status: offline
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I understand the line of reasoning....
Jesus equates looking at a woman lustfully with adultery...ok fine...but what about anger?
Jesus equates anger with murder. So if my wife refuses to forgive a coworker or family member she is angry with can I divorce her for murder?
If she repents of her anger does that mean she'll NEVER get angry again? If she slips up and gets angry again in the future can I claim she is unrepentant and divorce her?
How many sins are such that once you repent about it it NEVER happens again? I think if you start out believing that your husband will repent and then NEVER stumble again then you're setting yourself up for disappointment and devastation. And this is true of all sins.
I say forgive your husbands. Let them know you understand the heavy burden they carry. And understand that repentance is a daily process and not a one time event. Let them know that no matter how many times they stumble through this PROCESS of repentance you'll be right there to ENCOURAGE and not codemn them. For that is the true meaning of love.
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