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I don't really undertand nor do I know what to do. - 8/7/2008 1:15:06 AM
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RubyJae
Posts: 7
Joined: 8/7/2008
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Hi. I have something I need to express and am looking for some help or some thoughts on the matter.
Thanks in advance.
Now, where do I start?
Just yesterday, I was reminded of two situations in my life that have caused me the most pain and I'm trying to find out why I'm feeling so hurt by one of them, and how to deal with the pain.
One of the events was in 2001 when I started attending a school for biblical studies. The school was established by my church and it's main focus was making sure a person developed an intimate relationship with Jesus, and preparation for ministry, whether it be missions, pastoring, street, children's, ministry etc.
The time I spent in that school was very difficult as I was experiencing things that no one really understood. I don't want to go into detail about these events but, it was something God allowed and I'm totally fine with that.
My problem was that because many didn't understand what I was going through, and the administration really couldn't help me, they decided to send me home.
Now, let me explain something. While typing this two very strong emotions arise as I type, just as they did last night as I was looking online checking out the schools website "reminiscing" . One is a feeling of....deep sadness...the other is the feeling of what I discovered today might be resentment.
The reason I feel so sad is because I'm reminded of the fond memories I had at that school. I was going through some VERY tough times, but God knows that I will never forget that place nor the people who, although I only knew many of them for such a short time, love sooooo much!
One of those people was my best friend, who I still keep in touch with here and there. It hurts so much to have been cut off from such great relationships without having the opportunity to grow in them. I guess that's one of my problem.
It's strange though, I'm looking through yearbooks and it hurts in two instances. One is when I see my friends (the ones I knew before attending school) close and having had the opportunity to go through all the semesters with all the people I met there and miss. They're able to have memories and talk about all that they did and went through and I feel as though I've been left out.
The second instance is when I see people who I feel have hurt me....but they didn't....I don't know why I feel like they've hurt me, especially if I hardly knew them. Sometimes I think maybe it's because I feel as though they are better than me cuz' they got the opportunity to join ministries during their internship at my church, after finishing school where I didn't. Anyway, I don't think I explained that too well.
After I left the school in 2002 I felt so hurt. I felt hurt because the President of the school allowed the other administrators to make a decision for me to leave, and she never even took the time to talk with me, and yet she called her small group of students her "kids". I can understand she was out of town a lot, but she should have made sure she fully understood what was going on.
I found out a few months later that my dad who works at my church and knows the President of the school very well spoke to her about the situation saying that how she handled it and how she should have had better understanding of what's going on in her school (spiritually in my case). Cuz' what she did was wrong. My church's founding pastor agreed with my dad after the President of the school spoke to him and who knows what she had to say or thought.
When I try and use this as a reason not to be upset with the administration, it doesn't work. I feel as though I haven't been "justified", if that's the right term to use. Like, I feel as though she hasn't heard from me how I feel about the situation. Like I personally have not had the opportunity to tell her what she or the school did really hurt. Thing is, I don't think I ever will get that opportunity. Hmm....I'm thinking right now, is this a form of unforgiveness? I never really thought about it that way.....Especially when I'm not sure who I'm really upset with.
I thought I had my "justice" when I heard from a student , who I just happen to meet up with one night in 2006, told my dad, mother and I that a lot of people were not only upset about me being sent home from the school, but also the same thing I was going through, many other students experienced, proving that I wasn't crazy. The administration even had to make drastic changes in a part of the school after I left cuz of what was going on. I already knew that when I left cuz I heard someone talking about it. Anyway, I still don't feel as though this bit of information has helped me. Although, it did when I heard it, and it does help to know that they knew their decision to make me leave was wrong. But, for some reason, I'm still hurt...VERY hurt. 
Sometimes, I even get angry at the students. I think it's cuz I feel as though they look down on me (those who were in their third of fourth year). I know that the 1rst Year Students (my class) may not have understood why I got sent home, but I know they didn't think anything less of me. But it's the "juniors" and "seniors" and interns who ministered their fourth year at my church, who saw me around, looked down upon me cuz they didn't know the whole situation I was going through and may have heard false rumors on why I got sent home.
Another thing that was an attempt to help was my mother's words of encouragement. I always spoke to her about this situation and she understands how hurt I am. She always tells me and I'm fully aware that this was not where God wanted me. But at the same time, they sent me outta there like Pharaoh sent out the Egyptians. (Something like that.) Or how Jesus was rejected.
Maybe that's it. I feel rejected......
Well, I just wrote all this and probably answered my own question, although, I don't even know what that was. All I know is that after almost 8 years, I feel so hurt. I don't know how to handle it, I don't know how to rid myself of these feelings and resolve this whole thing.
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RE: I don't really undertand nor do I know what to do. - 8/7/2008 7:56:01 AM
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tapestry
Posts: 179
Joined: 8/19/2005
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
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Well, I read this but do not fully understand except that it has been a long time since this happened. You need to forgive and let it go and move on.
You should also consider getting some counselling to help you, some churches run recovery groups and support groups that are very helpful.
_____________________________
Joshua 24:15 B
..."As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
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RE: I don't really undertand nor do I know what to do. - 8/7/2008 8:15:59 AM
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conrack50
Posts: 804
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: 200 N. Bryan Ave. Shawnee, Ok 74801
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I agree with tapestry.
Someone told me along time ago this statement...
Let go and let God.
In other words, let it go and let God do His work.
Connie Lou
_____________________________
It's ALL about God, without Him I am nothing!
Want to make some extra money?
No quotas. Fire your Boss!
Come take a look
http://www.connieloubarnes.info
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RE: I don't really undertand nor do I know what to do. - 8/7/2008 9:09:25 AM
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sparkleingsnow
Posts: 3787
Joined: 1/9/2007
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RubyJae, not knowing why you were sent home or what was going on at the time, I can't say I understand the whole thing. But I do understand that you felt rejected and hurt. I'm sorry this has caused you so much pain.
Could you make an appointment with the School President and talk with her about it? Tell her your feelings? Hear what she has to say? Perhaps that would give you some peace about it. I agree that christian counselling may be a good idea.
Hurt and anger and unforgiveness are a heavy load. They weight us down and keep us from feeling true joy. And sometimes they're hard to let go of, when we feel thay we have been wronged. I think we've all been through it at some level. I know I have over a very deep hurt. I would ask the Lord to help me forgive. To give me a forgiving heart. And when it comes back to mind, and I start to feel those feelings again, I would give it back to the Lord again and ask Him to help me forgive. It might take a while but when we're able to truely forgive it feels like such a weight has been taken off our sholders. And it seems like we're able to feel joy, true joy. And peace, such wonderful peace.
God Bless
_____________________________
Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is
within me, bless his holy name.
Psalm 103:1
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RE: I don't really undertand nor do I know what to do. - 8/7/2008 9:28:13 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 813
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
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Welcome.
I also agree, seven years is too long to hold on to disappointment and resentment. Maybe you should consider counseling to learn why you are still holding on.
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RE: I don't really undertand nor do I know what to do. - 8/7/2008 10:29:52 AM
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OneJohn410
Posts: 1232
Joined: 6/1/2008
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Phillipians 4:8 is a powerful tool for things like that. This could be a strategy for you.
It amazes me that someone would bring up a sensitive subject in your past after so many years.
OneJohn410
_____________________________
When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, "Let's go to Bethlehem! Let's see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about. Luke 2:15 (NLT)
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RE: I don't really undertand nor do I know what to do. - 8/7/2008 12:00:54 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 531
Joined: 7/25/2007
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I feel so bad for you and agree that some counseling would help you to understand what is going on. My first tought is that wouldn't it be nice if just someone acknowledged what happened to you and apologized? Unfortunately that doesn't happen very often so you are left work through it on your own.
Its very hard to get over a hurt when you are around people that remind you of it. Thats why some counseling would help. A good counselor can give you the tools to use to get some peace about this. Sometimes its so hard to sort out our feelings and to even know if our feelings are justified.
Its just tough but I know you can get to the point where you will be at peace about it and even sometimes we come to an understanding of why something happened.
I'm glad your folks are so understanding and supportive of you. And please remember this situation does not define who you are as a Christian. You may never know why it happened but do know that God is aware of it and knows the whys of it. You can trust him to get you through this.
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RE: I don't really undertand nor do I know what to do. - 8/7/2008 12:17:10 PM
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RubyJae
Posts: 7
Joined: 8/7/2008
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Thanks guys. Sorry about the misunderstanding but I really didn't want to go into detail about why I was sent home. I guess I should explain.
I was being attacked a lot with fear and experiencing a lot of "supernatural" things. It started before I got to school but got worse when I was there. Like I said, I wasn't crazy. It ended when I left and people also experienced what I went through after I left. They said it was cuz the dorm we were in used to be a place for crazies - An Insane Asylum or something like that. Anyway, they closed that dorm down after I left. So, my dad was right about the president not having understanding what was going on with her school and being to wrapped up in other things.
I guess I could write a letter to the President. I just don't know if that's appropriate. I guess God does want me to forgive. I never knew I was unforgiving really. It's not like I hate these people. If you asked me to go back to the school, I would go back immediately.
I guess my problem is that whenever I have those feelings rise, which is pretty rare, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to pray about them cuz' I"m just not sure how to express them to God when they arise. I wish I could just cry, but often, I don't have the privacy or the urge. I don't cry. I think that would probably help a bit. I've got to pray that God help me get out what I'm feeling. It's weird, whenever I'm upset about something that hurt me in the past, I shrug it off like, Oh, well that's life. I've been through some very difficult situations in life, worse than this, but it's this that makes feelings of sadness and anger arise.
I chatted online with my friend who I just found on one of those social networks lately, she was my room mate, and decided to talk to her, cuz I'm really tired of having this problem. Or not knowing how to deal with it. She said to pray to God for healing. Yah, I guess that's what I should do. My heart has been hurt the worst in three instances, one of which I was reminded of in a dream last night. - My dad died a long time ago and I really miss him. Anyway, I must have lots of heart issues I just wish I knew how to give them to God. Especially when I don't feel I have the means to really cry out to God about them. Whatever...thanks for reading guys, even if you don't have any "answers" I just think I needed to rant a bit. It helped posting this cuz I realized while typing that I must have unforgiveness towards this woman....hmmm...cool, okay. That can be dealt with.
Thanks again, guys!! I appreciate your thoughts.
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RE: I don't really undertand nor do I know what to do. - 8/7/2008 12:31:28 PM
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RubyJae
Posts: 7
Joined: 8/7/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sadey
Its very hard to get over a hurt when you are around people that remind you of it....
Sometimes its so hard to sort out our feelings and to even know if our feelings are justified....
I'm glad your folks are so understanding and supportive of you. And please remember this situation does not define who you are as a Christian. You may never know why it happened but do know that God is aware of it and knows the whys of it. You can trust him to get you through this.
Thanks so much for this. All of what you said is very true. I sometimes feel like it's hard to sort out my feelings and bring them to God. I also am thankful that my parents were supportive. And yeah, I think I thought who I was as a Christian was defined by being at that school and what people thought of me. But, that's something God dealt with me about right after I left. I'm glad for that.
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RE: I don't really undertand nor do I know what to do. - 8/7/2008 1:28:39 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1901
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: RubyJae
They said it was cuz the dorm we were in used to be a place for crazies - An Insane Asylum or something like that. Anyway, they closed that dorm down after I left.
Whoa! That proves it was the place, not you, or your leaving would have fixed the problem, right?
I once asked my pastor about what a person should do if they lived in a house that showed evidence of demonic activity (something Americans often discount, but it's biblical) and his advice was, "Move."
You did. God got you out of there.
quote:
So, my dad was right about the president not having understanding what was going on with her school and being to wrapped up in other things.
And she wasn't there much and didn't interact with you face to face. That's pretty lame for leadership.
quote:
I guess my problem is that whenever I have those feelings rise, which is pretty rare, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to pray about them cuz' I"m just not sure how to express them to God when they arise.
First of all, here's a hug for you, dear one. (RubyJee) You've been through a tough time, no mistake about it. And it's embarrassing to be sent home like you were some criminal, when the school didn't know how to handle the problem (where's the great wisdom of godly people who know the Bible?) and then closed the dorm when that's what they should have done instead of sending you home in disgrace.
OK, they blew it. Big time. You dealt with it as best you could and I have no quarrel with you or even with how you're feeling now. Perfectly understandable.
Here's where the rubber meets the road: God allowed all this nonsense to happen. He is sovereign. In Romans 8: 28, 29 we are told all things work together for good, not that they are good in the middle. So a good end part is coming. Vs. 29 gives the reason: that you be conformed to the image of Jesus. Whoa!!! That's heavy! God is in the process of making you like Himself. That's a good thing!
Did Jesus go through hard times? You betcha. Was He unfairly treated? Big time. Did they torture Him to death when He was innocent? They sure did.
Jesus is your high priest who was tempted in every way:
Hebrews 4:15
For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are...
... just like you.
He was treated badly, and He understands your tearless grief. His guts twist in pity for you because He's been there.
So how to respond? Brace yourself: be glad. Be very glad that you are safe in God's hands and that He allowed bad things to happen because the end is being like Him and living in His love forever. God brings good out of bad. He's doing that in you right now. He's pulling you towards Himself, shaping you and making you more like Him. The end is joy and being with Him in love. See James 1 and 1 Peter 1, what they say about trials. You're being shaped.
What didn't happen, your staying at school and being with the people you were learning to love, wasn't part of what God is giving you now. It wasn't His will to stay or it would have happened. So pry your fingers off what wasn't a gift and see what God *has* given you. Where are you? Who is around you? That's God's will for you (1 Thess. 5:18), so go do what is in front of you now.
Ecclesiastes 9:10
Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might
Rejoice that God is shaping you to be like Him, even though it hurts now (it won't later!), do what He has for you today, and thank Him by faith for what happened (hard, I know, but either it's from His loving hand or not - make up your mind if the Bible is telling you the truth) and let go what God didn't give you. Tell Him you hurt. Thank Him He cares for you and that the Kingdom of God is firstly characterized by joy. It will be yours! So start dancing now, and shout with joy. The Kingdom is yours and you are not alone or unloved.
Wow!
God bless you, dear one. I am praying for you today. Let's throw a party!
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: I don't really undertand nor do I know what to do. - 8/7/2008 3:25:13 PM
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RubyJae
Posts: 7
Joined: 8/7/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
Did Jesus go through hard times? You betcha. Was He unfairly treated? Big time. Did they torture Him to death when He was innocent? They sure did.
Jesus is your high priest who was tempted in every way:
Hebrews 4:15
For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are...
... just like you.
He was treated badly, and He understands your tearless grief. His guts twist in pity for you because He's been there.
I'm glad you said that. I understood that more fully after the seeing the movie The Passion of the Christ. Lots of people were touched by the fact that Jesus suffered by the torture he experienced. But for me, I personally was touched within the first five minutes of the film and it stuck with me for a long time.
It was when Jesus was praying in the wilderness with his disciples. We know what happened by what the bible says. But, when I saw how Jesus had to literally war in prayer looking towards God when no one else understood why and left him, I was blown away! It was as if God himself showed me through that video that Jesus went through the EXACT same thing I did when I was in school. Exact, and I'm not even exadurating.
I was in that school having to go out on my own and pray in the "fields" when I was being attacked just like Jesus was in that movie. Some demon was right there with me putting fear in my heart, where there were strange manifestations and his talking to me...but all the while GOD was there with me too. Even when I didn't know what to pray he would begin to pray through me, rebuking Satan, pleading Christ's blood over me!! It was crazy cuz' I didn't know what to do had it not been for God at those times I would have truly just fallen apart. I remember that prayer was the HARDEST thing for me to do. I was so afraid to be alone. But God by his grace gave me opportunities to pray by myself where I didn't have to feel afraid.
I remember if my friend was going to spend time with God, I'd go with her just so she could be a ways off while I went to pray. I went to EVERY prayer meeting there was cuz' it was my only means of really praying and it really helped. But, back to what that movies showed me..... I'm so glad that it was God who kept me seeking him even though it was sooo difficult. But, it was the part of the film where after Jesus, although distraught and full of grief, got up through the power of God and stomped on the neck of that serpent!! That was awesome!! And it was like God showed me that he went through what I did with me. He gave me power when no one else could help or understand, to be victorious. Yes, I was weak, but I was still victorious through Jesus! And all the while people looked at me, just as they looked at Jesus in that film, thinking "she looks so distraught", not understanding the full extent of my situation.
Here's what else hurt me so much from that school. I was looked down upon for praying "too loud" in some cases. I mean, I'd be trying to go to sleep and fear would come sooooo strong that I had to pray. And it "disturbed" other students. Whatever.....I can understand that but, honestly....They were so stuck on doing their religious studies (which didn't matter cuz it wasn't for any type of credit) and being able to get enough sleep so they can be even more religious as they wake up to pray at 5:30am. I mean is that an attitude of love? You go to the prayer services and they wanna pray about missions, and the "important" stuff, and people who were having diffiulty, laying hands on them and anointing them with oil and all the while no one even brought to eachother's attention (administration) the fact that I was going through such a hard time and maybe that they should pray for me.
Well, that just proves my point that It was just me and Jesus in that place. Jesus praying with me through me and for me. I would not have made it without him. I was completely alone even though I had many people around me, I was alone in my own little struggle. The most profound event of that whole time was on the last night when I really couldn't sleep. I was afraid, but I had learned through the past months of the power of prayer. So, I just began to pray, and I could literally hear in my ear the words "Sing, (my name)sing!" And that's what I did. I'd sing songs and pray I could hear the words to songs I hardly knew being sung in my ear and I'd just lay there listening but the voice kept telling me "sing!" So, I did. I kept praying out loud but I felt bad cuz I was rooming with someone and she was on the above bunk. I must have been driving her crazy. But, I sure did fall asleep and had more peace that I did any other night.
Well, I'm glad that Jesus never forsakes his children. I'm sure he'll heal me of the past hurt and pain I've experienced. Thanks again for all your thoughts!
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RE: I don't really undertand nor do I know what to do. - 8/7/2008 3:45:48 PM
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TheBibleTRUTH
Posts: 94
Joined: 7/8/2008
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You know, it's pretty important as a Christian to be able to put off the things of the past and move on!
Consider the apostle Paul. He was religious, a man of intelligence, and he murdered and slaughtered Christians and persecuted the church more than anyone. But, by God's grace and his own hunger he was able to put those things behind him and he became the greatest apostle that ever lived. He received some of the greatest revelation from God that any man has ever received. If Paul wouldn't have put that stuff behind him then his life would have been destroyed.
I'm not saying your situations where as hard or as easy as his, but it's important to focus on the love and grace of God, rather than the stuff in the past.
Philippians 3: 13-14
13) Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
14) I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
So just be comforted and focus on the love of God and press forward toward the high calling of God, and you can overcome those things which cause you pain.
God bless you in the wonderful name of Jesus Christ.
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