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Help I have a 6th Grader - 9/17/2008 4:57:31 PM
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gutzfamily
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Joined: 9/17/2008
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School started 3 weeks ago and I am ready to give up already.
Here is the story. I have a smart and wonderful 11 year old boy who is now in 6th grade. Although I understand it is only the first month of school we have been dealing with this issue for ever!! (well since he could he started K) Anyhow, my boy is super smart, but super lazy and messy. 3 weeks of school and right now he has 2 D's and 1 F and 1 A and 1 B now, for every class it is the same he does the work but he doesnt turn in it? I am so frustrated, and now I am going back to when I was in school. And even worse my mother lives with us and she see my doing the same thing. I ask him xyz and he has no answer (just like my husband) then I blow up and start to yell at him. He doesnt answer and boy I really start getting even more angry. That part is something I have to work on...
So here is my question how do I explain to my son it is just as important to do his work and turn it in? Complete and neat?Oh and his work is always crammed deep in his backpack and that is why he doesnt turn it in, he cant seem to find it when his teachers ask for it, and believe me I go threw 2-3 times a week. And what should the disipline be? We have taken away the sports for this season, and grounding, and I dont even want to start about spanking, but I feel he doesnt fear us right now and he should have some kind of fear?
If anyone could help with some advice I would love to hear it! 
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RE: Help I have a 6th Grader - 9/17/2008 5:07:46 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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Your son knows it's important. As you said, he's a smart child. So there is something else causing the problem.
Is he a perfectionist, by chance? Does he get upset when he can't do things 'just right'? Does he expect more of himself and others than seems reasonable to you?
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Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
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RE: Help I have a 6th Grader - 9/17/2008 5:19:27 PM
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deedeeowens
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Your son's issues sound like they are rooted from being completely disorganized. There are many organizational type binders and notebooks on the market. You will probably have to police him for awhile, but my suggetion is that you buy him the proper materials to keep him organized, then make sure each thing is in it's proper place before he leaves for school. See if you can get him in the habit without getting so frustrated with him. Generally kids want to please their parents, so I suggest using a pat on the back when he gets something right, over the whack on the butt if he doesn't.
Dee Dee
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RE: Help I have a 6th Grader - 9/17/2008 5:29:08 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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From: WA
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quote:
You will probably have to police him for awhile,
I don't think this is going to work in this situation. She is already going through his backpack three times a week and obviously checking with his teachers or online to see if he's turning his stuff in.
I also don't think it's a lack of organizational implements.
I suspect it might be passive-agressive behavior or perfectionism (perfectionism causes many people to seem disorganized and irresponsible).
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: Help I have a 6th Grader - 9/17/2008 5:51:43 PM
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garsyt
Posts: 2235
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He knows it's important, like Jenny said, so to me it seems he needs an incentive, and perhaps some organizational skills.
Then institute some serious, immediate consequences for work that does not get turned in and results in a zero. We struggled with this when my eldest was in middle school, so this year as a freshman the deal is - as long as there are no zeros on his record he gets to keep his hair anyway he wants (as long as it is clean and combed), but if he gets even one zero - just one - without a justifiable reason (absence due to sickness or something like that), he will be getting a haircut. One thing you do need to do is to get your emotions under control. Yelling isn't going to change anything, but I think you already realize that.
Now this weekend - clean out his backpack. Everything comes out. Next, go through the piles and sort, WITH your son. After that, go out and buy a portable file thingie - you know those portable file cases with several separate pockets for things. Find one that has AT least one pocket for each of his classes and one extra pocket for misc. things (all that paperwork that comes home) and file all the papers. Then e-mail each of his teachers and tell them that in an effort to improve your child's attitude and grades you and your son are going to try a new organizational system and you would appreciate their encouragement and help in this endeavor. It is vitally important that your child learn to get himself organized enough to be able to keep up in his classes now because in high school it is imperative. Grades starting in 9th grade apply to a child's cumulative GPA, and colleges look at this and yes F's and D's and zeros are noticed and do matter.
It's time to start building some new habits for the both of you. You need to go about this in a business type fashion and keep your emotions in check, and your son needs to learn some new organizational skills as well as the importance that bad grades will have on his overall education.
Blessings,
Garsy
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My Blog: www.moredayslikethisplease.wordpress.com
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RE: Help I have a 6th Grader - 9/17/2008 6:21:14 PM
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SurpassingPeace
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You have got some great advice for helping him get organized. That should lay the groundwork to overcome the messiness. I am wondering if this has turned into a power struggle between the two of you. It struck me when you said you question, he doesn't answer, you get angry, he withdraws even more. Is it possible he is doing this in a passive agressive way to "win" and be in control? He may not even realize he is doing it. In many ways I am contrary by nature, in situations that someone aggressively demanded I do something, especially accompanied by screaming and what seemed to me endless questioning, my nature would be to refuse to do it. It is just an idea to consider.
Karen
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RE: Help I have a 6th Grader - 9/19/2008 11:02:09 AM
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emjayzee
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I have a 6th grader, too. We really struggled with this last year, but this year seems to be going better. Organization is a big part of it, because he changes classes and has to know what to bring with him where. But what really helped him the most is having a routine at home.
Before 5th grade, he would sit down and blaze through his homework in 5-10 minutes (plus reading time, usually later on) and buzz right back to whatever he was doing before. The problem became that he was trying to get through his 5th grade homework in the same way, and he would always forget something or misfile it or whatever. He also had the added responsibility of practicing each night (he plays percussion). So, I let him have some down time when he gets home, have a snack and relax. Then he has 1 hour that is dedicated to homework and practice. He knows that even if he gets done (or thinks he's done) before that hour is up, he is not allowed to do anything else. This gives him time to think through his homework, organize everything, and actually give his work the attention it needs. He also has a specific spot to put his backpack and does his homework at the same place every night, which helps with consistency.
As an added bonus, I get to hear a lot about what he's doing! I'm usually making dinner during this homework hour, and he sits at the counter to do his homework. It's amazing how much he finds to tell me about his day, what he learned, what happened in class or on the bus, etc. Any other time if I ask him a question, I'll get one word answers! At an age where kids sometimes stop talking to their parents so much, I'm grateful for this time to stay connected with him.
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unicorns borrowed from Matthew Webber, copyright 2002
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RE: Help I have a 6th Grader - 9/21/2008 2:06:57 AM
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Focusing
Posts: 6020
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quote:
he does the work but he doesnt turn in it
Yep.
My son has ADHD, and this has been my single biggest complaint. When I brought it up with the psychiatrist (who he sees for his meds), he nodded his head and said that was the one across-the-board complaint of parents with ADHD kids. He would do the work, I checked it, and then he didn't turn it in. Even if it was perfect and beautiful work. He would fold it up into these little tiny squares and then stuff them in the back of his desk, into his backpack, in a drawer, wherever! It drove me nuts, and he never had a reason for it. It was like a horrible compulsion. It was worst in 5th and 6th grades, but now that he's in 7th, he's turning everything in and is a model student.
Of course, none of that helps your situation, but know you are definitely not alone.
We did finally have some success last year (not consistently though) when I talked to his teachers and explained my frustration about it, and they would try to make sure to follow up with him specifically. But that didn't always happen. I tried incentives (which worked far better than discipline), which worked on and off. It was a constant battle. He had one special folder where he kept all his completed homework, so he knew exactly where it was, so organization wasn't the problem.
There's a website (chadd.org) that I found helpful. Not saying your son has ADD or ADHD, that's something you might want to talk to his doctor about, but the website itself had some good information that helped. It might be a good place to check around and see what others say has helped them. Every kid is different.
_____________________________
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven
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RE: Help I have a 6th Grader - 9/22/2008 11:50:29 AM
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MrsTracy72
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We had this problem with my son and had him tested for a ton of stuff. It turned out that he simply has ADHD. I didn't want that to be the diagnosis, but once we got him on medication, things turned around. If he skips a day, we can see it in his handwriting. It that big of a deal. If I were you, I would take him to a psychologist or psychiatrist and have him tested. He may be overachieving and bored. He may have a learning disability, or it may be ADHD. There are so many things that can cause it. It could also be that he simply doesn't care. But either way, if you have him tested, then at least you will know what you are dealing with.
Until you can have that done, then follow the advice of the others above me. Structure his time, help him organize with color coded folders, assignment notebooks, keep in touch with teachers, things like that.
Oh, and one thing I do is when he gets home, I scan his homework and make clean copies so that when they are messy, he has a clean copy to start over with. If you don't have the ability to make your own copies, as the teachers to send two blank copies of homework so that you don't have to worry about all of the eraser marks or torn paper. In our case it was torn papers and when we finally did get it done to the point where his handwriting was neat and the answers were complete, the paper was so worn from the erasing that it looked just as bad. Sometimes just them seeing a neat paper come home with an A on it is motivation for the next.
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Is this just a school thing or is he like this outside of school? If it's school, I'd suggest doing something to get him more organized like a binder or separate folders for each class. You can also e-mail his teachers and find out how things are organized in class. For example, my students are allowed to leave their folders in my classroom, but other teachers make them take them home. My students almost always have time in class to complete assignments, so if they have homework, it is because they were goofing off in class, etc. 
