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Cancelling Engagement - 7/18/2008 7:06:32 PM
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jcd777
Posts: 12
Joined: 7/18/2008
Status: offline
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My girl friend (live together) and I have been together for about 2 years. However, we continue having lots of fights due to her insecurities. She thinks I'm always doing something, even though I'm always working, and when I'm not I come straight home to her.
We almost broke up the other night, but then I couldnt go through with it, so I told her I'd give her another chance, as long as she'd get some help with the Pastor, or a psychiatrist. She agrees she needs help, so I'm hoping she follows up with it.
Nonetheless, she's now telling people we're not engaged, stopped wearing ring, and changed our profile on myspace to In a relationship, but not engaged. I'm very upset, because if anyone should be getting like that, its me, since I'm the victim, always being emotionally abused by her. Yet, I dont even get like that. It makes me feel horrible. Am I wrong in thinking this way? I figured we're having some problems, thats fine we should hold off on the wedding date, but I didnt think that means we cant be engaged anymore.
Need help, advice, etc...
Thanks,
jcd
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/18/2008 7:13:57 PM
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NotDoneYet
Posts: 267
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Virginia
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jcd777
My girl friend (live together) and I have been together for about 2 years. However, we continue having lots of fights due to her insecurities. She thinks I'm always doing something, even though I'm always working, and when I'm not I come straight home to her.
We almost broke up the other night, but then I couldnt go through with it, so I told her I'd give her another chance, as long as she'd get some help with the Pastor, or a psychiatrist. She agrees she needs help, so I'm hoping she follows up with it.
Nonetheless, she's now telling people we're not engaged, stopped wearing ring, and changed our profile on myspace to In a relationship, but not engaged. I'm very upset, because if anyone should be getting like that, its me, since I'm the victim, always being emotionally abused by her. Yet, I dont even get like that. It makes me feel horrible. Am I wrong in thinking this way? I figured we're having some problems, thats fine we should hold off on the wedding date, but I didnt think that means we cant be engaged anymore.
Need help, advice, etc...
Thanks,
jcd
I'd love to give you comforting advice, but my son was in the same sort of relationship...it ended up costing him his job, his apartment, his credit rating. He had a good job, but it was the sort of job where he traveled a territory, and due to her insecurities, he ended up getting fired. They were engaged and planning to marry...but fortunately, he wised up in time...and broke it off for good.
Be very careful...if you feel you're being emotionally abused, maybe you are, and maybe you should take this time to REALLY consider if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person.
NDY
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
Ranting and raving: diaryofaravingmom.blogspot.com
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/18/2008 7:14:13 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1084
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: offline
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If she doesn't think you are engaged, then you are not.
Either person can break an engagement if they no longer think that marriage is in their future. She should return the ring to you and you should keep it until such time as you feel she will accept your proposal and treat it seriously.
For now, the best thing for both of you is to step back and dis-entangle yourselves. Living like you are married when you have said no vows is one of the most difficult things in the world. It is an incredibly insecure situation, where you are deeply tied together but not actually committed at all.
Move out. Decide if you want to date her. If you do, then date her exclusively and tell her so. Do not sleep with her (or anybody else, of course).
If you decide that you want to be married to her, have a ceremony to commit your faithfulness until death... then try to make a life together as a husband and wife who actually can depend on each other and feel secure.
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/18/2008 7:24:15 PM
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preserved
Posts: 923
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline
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There are some problems here that needs to be addressed...As indicated here..she needs help and you are emotionally tied into her...
You need to seek another place of residence...and hope that she seeks help...if not...it will continue or get worst...As for the engagement...since she is no longer wearing the ring, has changed her myspace and telling everyone that you are not engaged...then hate say it...you are not...ask for the ring back...she owes you that much since you had to find out by other means..If you are the victim as you say...why do you still want to be engaged?
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/18/2008 7:48:31 PM
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jcd777
Posts: 12
Joined: 7/18/2008
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Additional Info
My fiancee' and I have been together for about 2 years now. Unfortunately, she seems to have many problems with her insecurities, and this is something we are still dealing with. She brought me to GOD, and for this I am grateful immensely. I was previously married, and my ex-wife divorced me, because we were young. I didnt think there was anything wrong with sleeping with someone or living together while not being married, if you were in fact in love.
She is the 2nd woman I have ever been with. She comes from a Christian upbringing. We had been living together and sinning for about 2 years. However, recently she asked that we stop sinning. Therefore, I agreed since this is what she wanted, and its what the bible states. This has actually caused us more problems, due to her insecurities. As I get closer to GOD, I feel her going the opposite direction. Remember, we live together. Now she thinks I'm with other women even more, because we're not sinning. I dont get, its like I can't win. In the last 3-4 months, she has tempted me 3 times, and several other times I have stopped it. Other times, I only stop the intercourse part, but not fooling around, not sure how deep does this actually goes.
We almost separated the other night, because she continues to cause fights due to her insecurities, and then she wonders why Im upset, sad, etc... We almost broke it off the other night, but then decided to give it another chance, as long as she gets help. Still praying, fasting, and hoping that things will turn around. I'm very scared, I dont know when is it time to give it up.
Need answers, advice, etc...
Thanks,
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/18/2008 11:17:16 PM
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MENU4EVR
Posts: 38
Joined: 7/1/2008
From: Sea-town
Status: offline
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Im not very good on this sort of thing but I think if you are growing closer to God and farther from her maybe its because God wants you to see that all you need is him first. I believe everything happens for a reason and maybe its just not meant to be right now. Who knows? Everything and anything is possible through him who gave us eternal life. I am in a similiar situation (living with my fiance) we were roomates at first and it grew. I will be praying for you and her.
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/19/2008 2:40:03 PM
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jcd777
Posts: 12
Joined: 7/18/2008
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Sorry for the confusion from the letter, let me clarify some of the points you made:
- We are living together, because when this decision was made I wasn't close to GOD, and I felt as long as I love the person, there is nothing wrong with us living together, while save up money for a future wedding, if things work out.
- On December of last year, we had been having problems, and I gave her a promise ring, and told her this is a promise that I want this to work, and will keep giving it everything I got for us to be happy. She threw the ring back at me, and never wore it.
- In January, I had a horrible accident, where my femur was fractured and was in rehab for about a month. She stood by me, and helped me through it.
- Later, as I got closer to GOD, I decided to engage to her because I loved her, and I felt this might help her with the insecurities. And she had proven to me that she would stand by side, even through the accident. However, it did not.
- She is constantly comparing me to my ex-wife on anything I do. The problem is that I can't do anything about it, since no matter what I say, since I've only been with 1 other person, and that is my ex-wife, she will always see my comments as a direct comparison.
- My statements regarding money, are as follows. I make good money, however, due to debts from my prior marriage and the fact that my girl doesn't make much money currently, and throughout the 2 years, was without a job for about 9 months, it put us in a predicament. Knowing I am the man of the house, it is my responsibility to handle our finances, and take care of us, and as such I try my best to do this.
- She stated that she didnt want to be sinning anymore, I agreed. And we stopped. However, several times she will try to tempt me, sometimes I fall, other times I control myself. However, she gets mad because I didnt want to make love to her. And due to her insecurities, she then thinks that if I'm not having sex with her, then I must be doing it with someone else.
- She agrees that she needs help and counseling for depression, sadness, and insecurities. However, somehow she always pushes this off.
- The other night, we separated for about a couple of hour, until I couldn't go through with it because I loved her, though I continued to be emotionally abused by her. I told her please dont make me look like a fool for giving you another chance. Get some help.
- Laterly, she is being non-chillant, distant, changed our myspace profile from "engaged" to "in a relationship", sometimes isn't wearing her ring, etc...
I am so scared I dont know what to do anymore. I have been praying to GOD constantly. I have even been fasting for about 3-4 weeks now, took away soda (used to drink about 3-4 sodas a day), and now only drink water (never drank this before). Still I haven't gotten an answer from GOD yet, or if I have I am too ignorant to know that this was he who was speaking to me. I pray that GOD gives me direction, and I expect an answer for my fasting, so that if she is meant to be with me, he gives me the patience to endure the abuse, and if she is not meant to be, he gives me the strength to let her go.
Hope this clears up some of the items a little better.
Thanks,
jcd
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/19/2008 3:16:29 PM
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Dakotasunbeam
Posts: 1039
Joined: 6/2/2005
From: Midwest USA
Status: offline
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But I think you have gotten your answer from God . . . you prayed, you fasted: she changed your status from "marriage-bound" to "in a relationship."
And how would you describe that relationship? Abusive, insecure, scarey. Those don't sound like anything that resemble the heart of God.
God did answer you, it just may not be the answer you want to hear.
You are currently in an abusive, insecure and scarey relationship. The Bible says perfect love casts out all fear--and yet you have an abundance of fear. Flee while you can, and draw near to God. Quite frankly, my friend, marriage is a lifetime covenant between you, a spouse and God. It is a vow between you and God. My best advice would be to reconcile with your first wife. Get away from this current woman, repent of your relationship and Live for Him. Go back to the wife of your youth, it may be that God will be gracious and restore what you lost.
God has answered your prayer. Now its time for you to flee this situation before it gets any worste. God has given you a way out. Take it. He will be with you.
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/19/2008 5:42:06 PM
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rgod
Posts: 1159
Joined: 4/25/2005
Status: offline
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jcd -
If she is open to counseling, why don't you guys do it together? Perhaps the best thing to do is to start doing the things that you know that God would want you to do like live apart instead of together, stop sleeping together (which I know that you have indicated that you are trying to enforce), and strengthening your individual walks with the Lord. If money is an issue with the living situation on her part, this is a great time to trust God. Believe me, He will move heaven and earth to help - especially when both of you want to be obedient to His word. In the meantime, you both could go get some in-depth premarital/couples counseling (often they'll do a sliding scale type fee if money is a problem - try calling 1-800-NEW LIFE for referrals or check with your local church or denomination). You might want to go with a counselor who is certified to deal with other types of issues that you or your girlfriend might have.
From there, at least you'll both know what you are dealing with, and you'll be able to determine whether you both want to get married or not. In the meantime, that could also give you some time and space to work out your job issues (being on time etc.) and more since you won't be distracted with arguments and problems. Plus you'll be able to evaluate if you want to be married to her but willing to work through a rough patch - or if you are truly being abused emotionally/verbally - to figure out why you've decided to stay in the relationship for this length of time and more importantly, how not to enter an abusive relationship again. It will also give her some time to work out her insecurities and to really evaluate if she is healthy enough to enter a marriage relationship (or to be on the road to becoming healthy enough).
I also suggest asking one or more very discrete Christians who will pray for you both during this time.
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/20/2008 1:39:48 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 803
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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I think your gf is having problems due to her being in rebellion against God - she knows she shouldn't of compromised her testimony by having sex with you and living together. The two becoming one flesh(this has happened between you and her) - when it's done at the wrong time it can cause a great number of problems. The sex has stopped -now the enemy/satan is whispering lies to her about you being with someone else. The Bible states a double minded person is unstable in all their ways!
I see need for individual(you & her) counseling and for separation from each other - work on getting yourselves on firm ground with the Lord and uphold His Word in your lives. Your gf has other issues and until she's resolved those emotional problems she's not a good candidate for engagement/marriage.
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/20/2008 5:08:24 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1701
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
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If you are saying she was professing to be "a christian" and living in a sinful lifestyle with you for the past 2 years, then I would say ending the relationship completely would be the best thing for you and her.
If you now have a heart for seeking God. and it sounds like you do, the Bible tells us clearly flee youthful lust...fornication (sex outside the bonds of marriage) is one thing we are to avoid.
I truly believe it would be best for both of you to start a new relationship with a Godly person based on honor, trust, purity, and spiritual guidelines.
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/20/2008 7:04:09 PM
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SouthernBelleGrits
Posts: 31
Joined: 5/29/2008
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Wow! This letter made my head hurt and IMO anyone would run for the hills after this one because NO WOMAN can measure up to this list. Do you take ANY responsibility in this relationship or are you constantly blaming your girlfriend for all of your problems? I don't mean to sound brash but I would like take a few minutes/hours to give my reply to this letter as to what I would think in my head if I was your girlfriend.
Letter to my Girlfriend on the week after Valentines of 2008,
Should have been given on Halloween instead!
I am writing this list of points that we need to discuss, and figure out a way to resolve them. I love you very much, and thus I engaged to you, to show you that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I always told you that I was in this for keeps, but, the problems continue, and I don’t know what to do. We need to work this stuff out. I figured now that we’re engaged you’d start changing, and getting better, but yet still the issues continue. I really don’t know what to do.
"Well, I'm not good enough for him. He is already wanting to change me. He doesn't love me."
• I did everything possible to give you a beautiful Christmas, and New Years. Yet funny enough on New Years, we were still fighting. I even gave you a promise ring, and it basically became money down the drain, since you didn’t care for it, because you wanted an engagement ring. You didn’t look at the thought behind it, and how much effort, I had put into it to get that for you. I’m not made of money.
" I didn't respond the way he expected me to respond. I'm not worth a real engagement ring even though he proposed."
• We later went out with friends to the movies, and you made my life hell. You didn’t get out of the car, you got into your tantrums, where you wouldn’t talk to me at all, and finally your friend had to come get you. Still I endured, and then you finally came around, and said you were Sorry. The problem is that it continues to happen. " I felt hurt about the ring and you wanted to go out with friends. You care more about being with them than how I am hurting. Even my apology isn't really accepted. Nothing is ever good enough for him."
• I go out to vendor dinners, since its part of my job. I’m not making chump change here, I need to do a lot, especially if I am to stay boss’s right hand person. Still you give me a hard time about it, and start with your jealous comments, and always ruin the night for me. Why? " He chose his job yet blames me for how he feels. "
• I had started going to Church & the Emmaus, and you initially had problems with this. Then, you had issues because I had not become a Christian, and you started being upset and stuff. "I'm confused about this. Is he growing closer to God? He's changing but I'm not sure why."
• We have missed some physical therapy sessions, and others luckily we’ve been able to do because they’ve made an effort for me at the Rehab center, but yet it always come down to not getting there on time. "Why does he blame me for not getting to the sessions? Doesn't he take any responsibility for his own health?"
• I have been telling you, that one of my colleagues at work is getting his people on a schedule, I’m not on a schedule, but my agreement with my boss was always that I’d arrive by 10am to the office, and yet you have constantly made it a problem, and we never get to the office by 10am, regardless whether we have physical therapy (which I end up starting late, thus delaying us, because your late to here), and when I don’t. I have mentioned it to you nicely, and it’s as if you don’t even care, still I arrive late to work. You give me all the excuses in the world, but what you don’t get, is that if I get in trouble or lose this job, we are screwed. I even got in trouble with my boss, where he wrote me an email and told me that I need to step it up more " His boss is on his case and yet he still blames me for everything."
• I need you to help me out by maintaining the house, taking care of the pets, and cooking some dinners so we don’t have to spend too much money. Help me to get to work on time by helping me take things I need in the morning. " He wants a Mom or Martha Stewart for a wife not me. I wonder if his exwife did these things. Maybe he wants me to be like her? Can I ever please him?"
• I stand up to my family all the time, and invent excuses as to why you’re the way you are. Such as when you get sick, you basically drop your guard, and assume like the world has come to an end. Then use this as an excuse for everything. You need to be stronger, you are not a little kid, just because you’re sick, doesn’t mean the world stops. You didn’t even pick me up at work 3-4 times, and I had to get vendors, colleagues, and almost a taxi to take me home, because you couldn’t handle that. "Why does he make excuses for me? Am I not good enough for his family too?! Will I ever be good enough for him? Even when I'm sick he doesn't care about me."
• Anything and everything that I do, you continue to compare it to my ex-wife. I cannot continue to live my life worrying about am I making enough of an impression, did I get the ring bigger, is the wedding bigger, oh be careful, can’t speak my mind on my thoughts, because you’ll start with whether I did it for my ex-wife or not. You act dummy as to whether I don’t give a dam about the wedding, because I already had one. What kind of **** is this? When does it stop? What does it take for you to be happy, and stop comparing yourself to your friends, to my past, to everything, just be happy! It shouldn’t be so difficult, if you love me. If you love me, you should be happy with anything I do, but no you have to get in your moods. I can’t live life worrying whether I did this for my ex-wife, or that for my ex-wife, and whether I did it for you or not, or whether I did it bigger for you or not. The **** that you put me through, I don’t think anyone would have put up with it, and it’s definitely something I don’t wish upon anyone. You are constantly abusing me! "Abusing him? What is he talking about? I just want to know that he loves me and only me and he doesn't think about his exwife. Apparently he is thinking about her a lot."
• I’m always speaking wonders about you to everyone; no one knows how you really are with me. But, yet you speak horribly about me. Take for example this morning, saying that I’m being a mission, he’s not answering my questions, or helping out. What kind of **** is that? I just engaged to you this weekend, and just because I hadn’t given you all the info you needed (which I actually even started helping with the names, and took you to Barnes & Noble to get Wedding books), you address me as being this horrible guy."Why does he lie to everyone? Can I trust that he isn't lying to me too? Why does he have to lie to everyone? Why does he resent my desires for the wedding? He doesn't love me as much as he loved his ex-wife."
• You start mentioning comments oh you spent $20,000 on the Wedding with my ex-wife, what do I get. What kind of **** is this? First of all, I don’t remember spending that much, but let’s say I did, so what. I cannot live my entire life always looking back at my past, to make sure everything is all high and mighty for you. The past is the past, times were different, I didn’t have the kind of bills I have now, oh yeah, guess what, my relationship in the past didn’t work out. So stop putting my past in my face. You speak to people on the phone like nothing about whether this guy chased you down from California, and whatever, and now he’s married, and having kids, and yadayadayada. Do you see me get upset with you, no I know that’s your past, so it don’t matter to me, because you are with me. I do the best I can for us, and that’s all I can do. For crying out loud, you were even bringing up did I get you a big ring or not, what was the price, as if to compare to my past. Then, because supposedly someone mentioned something stupid to you (probably your mom, but who cares, it could even be my family), you decide to accept it, and now start thinking I don’t want a big wedding with you because of my past. For crying out loud, I spent more on you during this Valentines and engagement than I ever did in my past. For crying out loud, I have spent more on you than I did for a long time in my past. "Why is he so angry and resentful for spending money on me? He didn't really want to spend that money on me. Even when I deliberately talked about a guy chasing me down he didn't care enough about me to even discuss it."
• I don’t start feeling down on myself, like oh my relationship sucks or anything like that. But yet you get like that when you see other couples. "He does think our relationship sucks. This letter is full of how he thinks our relationship sucks. Oh No, he just thinks I suck. He doesn't really love me."
• I have tried countless times to get closer to your family and win them over. You have barely tried winning my family over and getting closer to them. Instead, we always miss gathering with my family, or we get in a fight, because you start with your tantrums. Still I stand up for you, and tell them you’re the one I love, and want to be with, so they need to deal with it. But, you continue to get your ways.
"Why does he try to push my relationship with his family? Why can't he just let them develop naturally? Does his family try to foster a relationship with me or are they always talking bad about me because he always seems to have to defend me? What are they REALLY saying about me? I won't ever measure up to them."
• You’re always quick to either start crying or get in a tantrum when you hear what you don’t want, or you don’t get things your way. You act like a child; you can’t handle anything, if it doesn’t go your way. You have all this stupid pride, as though if you act differently or try to avoid a fight or do something just because it makes me feel happy, you are somehow a bad person. "My feelings aren't safe with him. He thinks I'm a child. He wants someone different. Maybe he wants his exwife again instead of me."
• I am constantly the one coming around to you, whether I was upset, or you were the one upset, etc… Regardless, whether I believe your right or wrong"Then stop coming around. ! If you don't love me enough to pursue me then just stop leading me on."
• You’re always having questions that doubt my happiness or love. If you were doing everything right, and not being the way you are, you would never ever have to doubt my love, and whether or not I’m happy or not. " He wants me to be perfect. I'll never be perfect enough for him. He just wants me to be happy all the time. He can't handle anyone with real emotions."
• I always feel I need to be proving my love to you, and it just doesn’t stop. And yet it’s never enough. You have become a real drain on me, and make me feel as though it’s just never enough, and I just can’t make you happy, therefore I must settle for a life of misery. Why? "Now he thinks he settling for me. This confirms it. He doesn't love me.I want a man who wants me for me not a man who is just settling until someone new comes along"
• When your friends speak of me, you never stand up for me, instead you agree that I’m an as*hole, what kind of **** is that. I always stand up for you, always! " I don't think he stands up for me with his heart because he doesn't really like me. He just lies to everyone and won't admit his real feelings."
• Every person in the world expresses their love in their own ways, and it’s up to their partners to be smart enough to analyze their partner and learn their ways of expressing their love, or how they are when their sad, upset, and so forth. For crying out loud, I go out and always try to make things special for you, and romantic. You have even felt sad as to how some of your friends, don’t have the luxury of having a guy like me in their life, and thus must settle. Problem here is why do I need to settle? If I am so good to you, why do you treat me how you do? "There he goes again saying he is settling for me instead of loving me."
• We need to have an open relationship, feel we can discuss anything with each other "Nothing I say will ever be enough for him. I don't feel safe sharing how I really feel with him. He won't love me and I'm starting not to really care anymore because it just hurts too much."
• Trust one another, because if I always have to worry about what you’re doing or not doing, that is a ****ty life to be living. I need to trust that you love me, and thus wouldn’t dishonor or disrespect me in any way, and that we’re going to make it together, because we want to be together, not because we have to be together. "He doesn't want to go through a real marriage. I'll never be able to make a mistake with him because he'll leave me or divorce me like he divorced his first wife. He doesn't really want to be married again."
• You know what it is that your family has never come to see me. Has never come to our home, and yet you allow this from them. You throw it in my face, how you’re sinning and so forth, and make it seem as though it’s my problem, and for these reasons, your family can be the way they are to you, and to me. That’s not right at all! "Doesn't he understand that it hurts me too when my family doesn't come around, but I can't control my family."
• I give you everything, absolutely everything, and yet it’s still not enough. Yet, you still have a problem when you need to do things, or if I ask you to take of care of something for me. Instead of being, dam my man takes care of it all, if he needs something or help, regardless of how big or small it is, you should welcome the opportunity to help me out, because in turn that means you’re helping us out. " He is so full of himself walking around tooting his own horn like that. Doesn't he know that I love him. I've lived with him for two years for Pete's sake. And he questions how I feel about him. Why should I welcome the chance to help him out. I'm not even going to bother to help him out because I won't ever say anything good enough to please him. He resents being with me. Perhaps he desires someone else. Someone who will tell him what he wants to hear instead of the truth."
• I have practically been holding us together for 2 years now, and yet still you don’t change your ways, and you don’t get help. You even act like this with your friends, I’ve seen it. " Oh! I haven't done a darn thing for this relationship. He is such a prideful person."
• I am Cuban, and therefore Macho in some aspects, it has goods and bads, but dam it I bet if you told someone everything I do, they’d be like are you crazy, you have an excellent man, and we all wish we had that. I’m not trying to look good, but I hear the fights people, and their complaints, and stuff and I realize what a great man I am, even though you don’t care to ever see that. "He'll never think I'm good enough for him. He thinks he is perfect and he needs a perfect wife. I'm not perfect. Perhaps he realizes his exwife was more perfect than I am and he regrets divorcing her."
• I engaged to you and told you that you need to change, and get help. You can’t continue in your old ways, and what are you still doing, the same thing. What am I suppose to do? For crying out loud, you even took off the ring, because you were upset over stupid things, and threw that in my face. That’s not funny, and I don’t appreciate it. "He wants to change me into someone he wants instead of accepting me the way I am. I took the ring off because I don't feel we are really engaged."• Things are going to start changing big time, because I am through accepting it. I deserve much, much more from you, and it’s got to change, or it’s going to come to an end. "I'm closing my heart to him b ecause he doesn't love me. I'm hurt and angry that he doesn't love me but loves a fantasy of a person he wants me to be. I'm going to take off my ring, change my my space and tell our friends that we aren't engaged anymore. I'm running before he has a chance to hurt me more."
• You used to be more understanding of my past, but now it’s just another thing to laugh at, and throw in my face. I don’t regret my life, and the paths I have taken, I’m glad things broke off with my ex-wife before it was too late, and we didn’t have kids. Life has you in my path, and I have gone full throttle with you, and I give you everything I’ve got inside me, and for what, only to be laughed at and ridiculed all the time. "If I laugh I don't have to cry. My heart is broken and he's too resentful and selfish about his own life to notice."
• I know you too have been hurt & heart broken in the past, but I feel as though I continue to pay for all their mistakes, and yet still I endure, and never throw things in your face. I just love you, and hope that will be enough to overcome it all. "He doesn't love me. He thinks he is showing me love but all he does is compare me to some ghost of a woman that I can never be."
Okay I was really going to try to continue this but I'm exhausted. I know that this may not be what your girlfriend is thinking but your comments are so prideful and if your girlfriend has a hurtful past then please entertain the thought that she may be thinking these things and guarding her heart because she can't trust you with it. Take responsibility for your own feelings in this.
< Message edited by SouthernBelleGrits -- 7/20/2008 7:41:19 PM >
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/20/2008 9:48:02 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 552
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline
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This sounds like a very sick relationship without much hope that it will ever be better. But there are people who love the drama and excitement of something like this.
Unless you both make some drastic changes, it will always be like this and will even get worse. You need to take a break from each other and get some intentsive help. What a miserable existence you and she have. Is there any joy for either of you in this relationship? I didn't read one word of any joy or happiness between you or even of some loving memories. You seem caught it a battle with each other that just goes on and on.
I feel bad for you both because you may never be able to break away.
I hope you won't bring any children into this relationship, that would be a tragedy.
If I'm reading your posts wrong I apologize.
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/21/2008 5:54:48 AM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 633
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
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Wow. I have yet to hear what she actually does that is so awful. I would break up with a guy who spoke (or wrote) to me that way. Jcd777, in everything you've written I have yet to see you take any responsibility at all in this relationship (I mean for how the relationship is going.....not stuff like paying bills or running errands). All you've done here is point out her faults.
I agree with Sadey in that this sounds like a very unhealthy and unhappy relationship.
Just went back and finished reading the letter (apparently I'd only read ~half of it) and may I say "Wow" again!?
Why couldn't you make your own sandwich if you were hungry and didn't like the one she made?
Why can't you find a way to get to work on your own and therefore be solely responsible for getting there on time or not.
You seem to get angry with her for crying/being upset....why? That's a normal part of relationships (although healthy ones don't have as much crying/arguments as others). If you love her then why don't you offer her comfort and support and reassurance instead of telling her to "get over it" and "stop with the tantrums"? That's a very condescending and harsh way to speak to someone that you supposedly love. If she has a low self esteem why don't you try and help her improve on that with encouraging words instead of telling her she's like Barbie? You told her she needs help and counseling but I don't see where you offered to go to couples counseling with her.(?) If she's insecure about your former relationship then why don't you just reassure her until she eventually comes to a place where she feels more secure about it? And why did you get her a promise ring when you were technically engaged (or am I misunderstanding that part?)? If she is "tempting you" even after you've decided together that you won't be engaging in sexual sin anymore then why don't you remove yourself from situations that could prove too tempting (i.e. being alone together etc.)? It's up to you if you want to stop being physically intimate. You can control yourself no matter what her actions are. It's not fair to put all the blame on her for this. It takes two to tango, if you know what I mean.
< Message edited by Hislittleone -- 7/21/2008 6:17:47 AM >
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/21/2008 9:30:10 AM
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Wild-Rose
Posts: 301
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Upstate NY
Status: offline
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Southern Belle, I never did read his whole letter to the girl because it was too lengthy.
But you gave it drama. That was an interesting read!
_____________________________
Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/21/2008 11:33:56 AM
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slushie
Posts: 2067
Joined: 4/30/2006
Status: offline
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If I got a letter like that from my bf (hopefully not) I'd be very very hurt.
What I say is: you guys - both of you - need to get your act straightened out. That might mean to stop living together as it seems to be a lot of temptation, and getting counseling. Or even to break up.
_____________________________
Testify to Love
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/21/2008 11:34:08 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1701
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
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a promise ring is not an engagement ring..so she is right, you are not engaged...and you should never be from the tone of that letter (which I only scanned)
You seem to be expecting an awful lot from the girl..like getting you to work on time...unless you can't drive and it is your car she is using...otherwise get yourself to work and stop whining.
If I had taken someone on a date and she "refused to get out of the car" as you mentioned that would have been our last date no questions asked.
Why would you want to be with someone who behaves like that? She sounds very immature.
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RE: Cancelling Engagement - 7/21/2008 11:58:11 AM
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slushie
Posts: 2067
Joined: 4/30/2006
Status: offline
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Another thing I noticed about the letter is that there's a lot of "I, me" in there. "I did this for you that time, I did this for you that other time, instead it's YOUR fault...."
_____________________________
Testify to Love
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