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Anger problems help please - 11/21/2008 9:59:12 AM
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Kylie14
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I work with someone who has hurt me emotionally and mentally. He basically lied to me used me and then verbally abused me. I'm now in the stage of hating him with a passion and wanting him to hurt as badly as he hurt me. I know this is wrong and I need to forgive him and moved on,but I'm finding it hard. I have been reading the Bible more and praying a lot. When I think I have conqured these feelings I go to work and I see him and I feel the anger in me rising and I just want to slap him. I have put in for a transfer to another job on a different shift. I don't like the way I feel toward him.It bothers me because I'm a very loving person usually and I don't want this poison in my life anymore,but it seems like I'm stuck in neutral and can't move on. I know what I need to do but just can't seem to let go of it and I need to.I have been dealing with these feelings for over a year now. I want to be free of it. Can anyone help me with this? Thanks in advance foe any advice.
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/21/2008 10:38:34 AM
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URForgiven
Posts: 1212
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kylie14
I work with someone who has hurt me emotionally and mentally. He basically lied to me used me and then verbally abused me. I'm now in the stage of hating him with a passion and wanting him to hurt as badly as he hurt me. I know this is wrong and I need to forgive him and moved on,but I'm finding it hard. I have been reading the Bible more and praying a lot. When I think I have conqured these feelings I go to work and I see him and I feel the anger in me rising and I just want to slap him. I have put in for a transfer to another job on a different shift. I don't like the way I feel toward him.It bothers me because I'm a very loving person usually and I don't want this poison in my life anymore,but it seems like I'm stuck in neutral and can't move on. I know what I need to do but just can't seem to let go of it and I need to.I have been dealing with these feelings for over a year now. I want to be free of it. Can anyone help me with this? Thanks in advance foe any advice.
We live in an evil world, full of evil people. Evil is to be expected. But we do not fight evil with the weapons of this world. Romans 12:21 tells us how we fight...
"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
If you are a Christian, then Christ lives in you, and Christ is the good that in and through you overcomes evil. "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink." The result of this is very cool, "...In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Romans 12:20
I can understand your anger, you have been wronged, and that is never something we enjoy. But... have you ever hurt someone? Have you ever lied to anyone? Have you ever verbally abused someone? And yet, has not God forgiven you? Forgive as you have been forgiven...freely.
You need to see this person as God sees him, and God sees him as a person who needs Jesus Christ.
Peace
_____________________________
"Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit,
are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?" Galatians 3:3
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/21/2008 10:45:48 AM
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Focusing
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quote:
"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
Yes!
And forgiveness. That seems to be a hot topic these days. I just made a post in another thread, and I think it applies here as well:
The key is forgiveness.
It can be tough, but through prayer, and probably tears, it can be done. I was given some wonderful words of wisdom that I will pass along to you: once you forgive this person, write it down in the front of your Bible ... include the date and what it is you are forgiving (that can be a tough thing to figure out), and every time you feel angry, remind yourself you have already forgiven this person, look at what you wrote in the Bible as a reminder, and make yourself let it go - again. If you are sincere, the anger will subside over time, and you can move on with your life. Every time you recognize the taste of anger or bitterness, just go right back to reminding yourself that you have already forgiven them.
The second part of the process is to just pray for them. At first it will be awkward and most likely very difficult, but through the process of forgiveness and prayer, the anger and the bitterness will fade away and the prayers that were difficult in the beginning will become easier and eventually sincere and direct from your heart.
True forgiveness is very freeing.
May God be with you on this journey. Trust Him completely, pray and ask Him to help you and to be your strength.
_____________________________
Instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend. That would be giving as the angels give.
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/21/2008 12:05:10 PM
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Lady_Daffodil
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Wow Kylie, the Lord must have led me to your post. I'm going through the same exact thing you're going through, the only difference is that the co-worker is a woman in my case. But the feelings I'm going through are identical, and I too am just hating the way it's making me feel. I'm struggling so much with these feelings. Just being around this woman gets on my nerves lately, just the sound of her voice gives me the same reaction as fingernail on a blackboard (and there's nothing at all wrong with her voice, in fact she would make a good radio announcer), and I can attribute the way I feel to a buildup of little things over the past several years. Oh yes, and she sits in the cubicle right next to me, and moving isn't an option since moving me to another location would cost the company money and my reason for wanting to move isn't going to wash, anyway. So, I just keep praying and praying that God will erase these feelings from me and make me stop feeling like screaming everytime I hear her talking over there.
To the other folks who posted, thanks for what you wrote. Just pray for Kylie and for me too, that God will help us truly forgive these two people.
_____________________________
The light of the world knows no power failure.
 
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/21/2008 12:39:09 PM
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lightbeamrider
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U could always wait him out. Chances are if he hurt u he has hurt others too and it will catch up with him. If this is work related situation and he has done these things on work property there is hostile work environment laws that may come into play. If this has been going on for a year then u should have done something earlier? If not anything else it might have prevented some other female from having to undergo similar treatment from him. Men cannot do these things at work and simply get away with it anymore. They pay with the loss of their job. I have known many men who have lost their job due to a sexual harassment complaint. The mere accusation is the equivalent of termination. Employers do not want lawsuits. Just about anything a man does that creates a hostile work environment for u is reason enough to go to ur supervisor with a complaint. If u have not told ur supervisor about all of this then perhaps it is time for a sit down. Tell ur supervisor the facts. U have options.
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/21/2008 12:51:21 PM
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agapetos
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It's hard to have to continually see someone who's hurt us very much.
Your feelings are normal. For me, the feelings that I've had about people who've hurt me have continued long after I've asked God to forgive them. It can take time to let them go. If we are hurt physically it can take a while for the damage to heal, though it may stop hurting much sooner than that (I broke a bone some years back, and while the swelling and bruising went quickly and the bone mended, it was still painful). It's important to take time to allow our bodies to heal when we hurt physically ~ and it's important to take time to heal when we've been hurt emotionally too.
There's a thread here that may be worth you reading. You're not the only one who's been hurt and hurt badly (not that that's any consolation).
_____________________________
I could give up chocolate ~ but I'm no quitter!
My blog
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/21/2008 1:36:19 PM
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Roberta_
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I like the analogy to the broken bone.
Kylie- different hurts take different amounts of time to heal. Different people heal differently. There is no one size fits all.
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/21/2008 8:29:26 PM
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Kylie14
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Thanks to all who responded. you all put it into a different light for me.Daffodil you'll be in my thoughts and prayers with your situation.At least I do not have to be in the same room with mine.
lightbeam I have gone to my supervisors. They made him go to anger management classes. needless to say that did not work for him. The last time he blew up at me I went to our supervisor she told me that he told her " I can't change,I'm not going to change I have been like this my whole life. The anger management classes didn't help. " Which pretty much told me we're not doing anything about him. Case closed. So ever since then I stay away from him and only have contact when it has something to do with work.I have so much hatred for him that I can not stay in the same room with him for long because I want to say something or do something physical to hurt him.Both I know are not smart to do and
I don't think I really would even though it is tempting sometimes. So going to supervisors turned into a dead end for me. They acknowledge that he has anger/temper problems but choose to look the other way.
agapetos thanks for the link that helped me a lot. I have a long ways to go with this..but I'll get there so will you daffodil ..
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/22/2008 3:31:21 AM
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lightbeamrider
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If management has not dealt with this problem for u then ur next step is to see a good attorney in Sexual Harassment law. Kylie u need to educate urself about sexual harassment law is and what it means in the workplace. From the sound of things u have the makings for a sexual harassment lawsuit and any lawyer would be happy to take your case as they are usually slam dunks with big settlements. Start documenting abuse events time and place what he did and how u were effected.
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/22/2008 9:19:15 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2080
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lightbeamrider
If management has not dealt with this problem for u then ur next step is to see a good attorney in Sexual Harassment law. Kylie u need to educate urself about sexual harassment law is and what it means in the workplace. From the sound of things u have the makings for a sexual harassment lawsuit and any lawyer would be happy to take your case as they are usually slam dunks with big settlements. Start documenting abuse events time and place what he did and how u were effected.
I agree with this. And you could take the appropriate next steps and still walk in forgiveness and grace toward him. You might even find it easier to forgive if you're taking steps to try to remedy the situation. You know you're not the only person being treated badly by this guy. You could be saving someone else a lot of grief...and he may pick on the wrong person at some point and get himself hurt. Regardless, these laws are in place for a reason.
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/22/2008 6:18:16 PM
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Focusing
Posts: 6009
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quote:
If management has not dealt with this problem for u then ur next step is to see a good attorney in Sexual Harassment law.
Whoa!!
Unless she has been sexually harrassed by this man, filing or even suggesting that he has sexually harrassed her is WRONG. Filing a formal harrassment claim with the employer would be an acceptable next step, but unless the harrassment was of a sexual nature, any such charges or accusation is way out of line.
Please be careful with the advice. Harrassment claims, and particularly those of a sexual nature, will be investigated. And if she is making false accusations against this man, it will be her job that is lost. This is not any kind of a matter to be taken lightly.
_____________________________
Instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend. That would be giving as the angels give.
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/22/2008 6:26:34 PM
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csl7037
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Focusing
quote:
If management has not dealt with this problem for u then ur next step is to see a good attorney in Sexual Harassment law.
Whoa!!
Unless she has been sexually harrassed by this man, filing or even suggesting that he has sexually harrassed her is WRONG. Filing a formal harrassment claim with the employer would be an acceptable next step, but unless the harrassment was of a sexual nature, any such charges or accusation is way out of line.
Please be careful with the advice. Harrassment claims, and particularly those of a sexual nature, will be investigated. And if she is making false accusations against this man, it will be her job that is lost. This is not any kind of a matter to be taken lightly.
I think a harassment claim can be made without a sexual component. If the man is creating a hostile environment and the company has said there's nothing more they can do, it just might be time to consider further action if indeed it is enough to cause her this kind of grief.
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/23/2008 2:43:49 AM
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lightbeamrider
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Consulting an attorney is not breaking any laws. According to Kylie's post #8 she did go to management and the person was to attend anger management which did not resolve the situation. The hostile work environment still exists even if not sexual in nature. I indicated Kylie had the makings of a sex harassment case against her fellow worker via her employer. It is by law her employer who is to resolve the situation for Kylie. An attorney could evaluate the situation and make the determination what her next step should be. To file or not. This is not wrong.
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/23/2008 7:42:26 AM
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agapetos
Posts: 5566
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From: This side of the lil duck pond!
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quote:
Consulting an attorney is not breaking any laws. You're right, it's not.
quote:
I indicated Kylie had the makings of a sex harassment case against her fellow worker via her employer. This is where the problem occurs. I don't see that Kylie has said this is a sexual harassment situation.
_____________________________
I could give up chocolate ~ but I'm no quitter!
My blog
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/24/2008 7:17:18 AM
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Kylie14
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Unfortunatly I had an affair with this man. It did not last long. I found out what kind of a person he really was. He has a history of alcoholism and being abusive toward women. These two things I did not know about him until after I started seeing him outside of work. When the affair ended is when it got really bad.. Most of that has resolved as I said I stay away from him and will not be in a room alone with him. I'm just wanting to get over the hatred I feel for him and forgive him.I know this is hindering my walk with God. I need to forgive him but I'm having a hard time getting past what he did to me. I guess I'm having a hard time forgiving myself as well. This is something I would not have done normally.
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/24/2008 7:56:08 AM
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csl7037
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Well, then this really is not at all the situation we were all imagining. I don't see what your company can do as it's your mess. If anything, they should've mandated counselling for both of you - or do they even know what's really going on? There are consequences to our sin. And in this situation there are a whole separate set of consequences since it was with someone you work with. You may have just done yourself in and need to be looking for a new job. Yea, you need to work on your anger...part of that would probably be truly repenting - you really did this to youreself so that should make it harder to "forgive" him. You created a real mess here.
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/24/2008 11:27:30 AM
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all.consuming.fire
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Kylie, I am sooo sorry you have to go through this. I know what it means to have rage inside of me for WRONGS that where done against me. What I have come to know is that we have NO RIGHT to hold any anger, bitterness, or resentment toward another human being. When we do that against someone, its like doing it against GOD HIMSELF. I will be praying for you and your situation and hope you feel better and are able to get passed the abuse.
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/25/2008 8:09:53 PM
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Kylie14
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I did not say anything about involving the company at this point. The only time I took it to our supervisors is when he became verbally abusive in the work place. Regardless of what happened between us he had no right to treat me the way he did on the job. That was the only complaint I took to our supervisors. I was not the only employee to complain about him being verbally abusive. Anyway I am past that and now I just want to get over these feelings. I know this is my own mess and I take responsibility for that. We all sin and we all make mistakes.
Focus I never had any intention of filing a complaint against him.I only wanted the verbal abuse to stop. I'm well aware of how this would look to supervisors which is why I have never brought that to their attention. You are right it is a hard lesson learned.
all.consuming your right I know I have no right to hate or be unforgiving toward him .It's been tough. Thanks for your prayers. I do feel like I'm making progress it's slow but at least I feel like I'm moving ahead.
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/25/2008 10:34:18 PM
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georgerobbyjr
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quote:
What I have come to know is that we have NO RIGHT to hold any anger, bitterness, or resentment toward another human being.
Most of us want to forgive people and live at peace with everyone as Christ would have us. However, some people are unforgiving and heartless and would rather fight than put the past aside. Forgiving doesn't mean you have recovered, or that the person isn't a jerk. There are people I have forgiven that I want nothing to do with, not because I can't forgive them but because of who they are. You may have made your own bed, but you don't deserve to be yelled at and / or mistreated at work as a result. It's easy to tell you not to be angry with this man sitting on the other side of the fence. I think you have a right to be angry, but I hope you can overcome the hate. Not much you can do other than pray and stay away from him. Employers usually don't want to deal with these kinds of issues, even if you had never been a couple. Unfortunately, sometimes making formal complaints against individuals at work, even when you are justified, makes you the problem in management's eyes.
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/28/2008 11:56:39 AM
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lightbeamrider
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Quit blaming yourself and don't let others lay a guilt trip on u for screwing up with this guy. The fact u made a mistake with him in the past does not justisfy his ongoing abuse in the present. It's not like u have to crawl across broken glass to do penance. U should not have to be intimidated in the workplace by any man for any reason. U should be free to do your job in a hostile free work environment. That is your employers responsibility and that is the law.
This may not apply to your situation but it does make for interesting reading. A group of mailroom workers filed a suit through the EEOC alledging sexual harassment/hostile work environment at the Minneapolis Star Newspaper. The newspaper settled before it went to court. Those making the complaint received 300+ thousand dollars in the settlement. The case would be easy to find on google.
What i find interesting is the secular community is far more compassionate about these matters than many in the Christian community. Admit sin once and there will always be someone there to break out the whip. Yeah u need to get over your anger and u do have to keep your side of the street swept. What u do not have to do is walk on eggshells around this guy because u had a fling with him in the past.
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RE: Anger problems help please - 11/28/2008 5:24:50 PM
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graceingod1
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Keep seeking the sothing words and wisdom of the bible.
But more than just reading, its only human to take the time to absorb and fully actualize them.
Time will heal your wounds, and the wisdom of scripture will make you wise and stronger.
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