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Adultery - 7/9/2008 11:15:35 PM
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flash6
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I have a serious issue and I would appreciate PRACTICAL advice. My wife of 15 years is all but frigid - our sex life is practically non-existent. I am 53 years old and still very desirous of a sexual relationship. In the past year, I have had intimate relationships with three different women, not my wife. Two of these are ongoing. As a believer for my entire adult life, I feel terrible that this has happened and beat myself up and pray/fast/ cry out to God to never do it again but after a few days, all of the feeling return. My wife suspects nothing and no one knows - except of course for my heavenly Father who I know I am disappointing and hurting Him every time. There is a recovery type ministry at my church but I don't feel that I would be anonymous but I know I need to be accountable.
I have an "accountability" partner but his own personal issues dominate our time. Practical answers please....
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RE: Adultery - 7/10/2008 2:01:44 AM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 464
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
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Has your wife always struggled with being rigid or was this something that happened after you got married? If after marriage, how long into the marriage? Where you immoral together before you got married? Does she have an history of being abused? It's hard to give you any helpful input without more details.
Accountability Partner...you need to find one who is available to fulfill that purpose if your current one isn't. I meet with mine every other week and we talk about issues in between these times as needed. It sounds like you two need some marriage counseling and possibly sex therapy to get to the root of the nonintimacy. Obviously, having sex with someone else was a very temporary quick fix that's going to cause a lot of complications once she finds out.
Thirdly, you already know you need to repent of the attitude that has caused you to rationalize being with someone other than your wife. I believe we can't sin without somehow rationalizing or justifying it in our own hearts. You need to get to what came after the "but" in "I know this is very wrong, but..." because it was a lie from hell. What you are experiencing is one of those "for worse" times of the marriage and you made vows to "forsake all others" during these times as well. I'm not saying any of this is easy but God has given you the ability to stay faithful if you are a christian. The key is getting your eyes and heart back focused on him.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Adultery - 7/10/2008 8:24:58 AM
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YZGUY
Posts: 263
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Flash6,
Sounds like the Lord is talking to you and you're starting to listen. You have three directions you are going to head.
1) You will repent, never see these women again, confess to your pastor or close friend (maybe your wife), remain accountable and see a counselor to work on your marriage.
2) You will continue this present cycle (hurt, rejection, longing for physical intimacy, fulfillment through sin, guilt, sorrow, psuedo-repentance, back to the beginning) until you get caught and all hell breaks loose
3) You will harden your heart, justify your actions until you decide to leave your wife.
I also agree with ChoirDJ.
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RE: Adultery - 7/10/2008 9:52:39 AM
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flash6
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Thanks both to Choird D and Yz - some more information and comments:
1. After our marriage, my wife confessed that she had been very promiscous - all short term relationships - I had only been with my ex-wife and 1 woman
2. Marriage therapy - ironic because my wife is both a therapist AND a registered sexual counselor but "can't see the forest for the trees"
3. Of the two women, one is the old girl friend - this is pure sin thing - I must fight the holy spirit to see her, fortunately for me, the Holy Spirit is winning - it will help me a lot just to open up to others, even if only this way.
3. The second women - I know this will sound strange but she is not a woman I could love but I like her and she is seeking God - I know I am not in a position to tell her about Christ when I am in a sinful relationship but she always asks and is curious about Christianity - she is a cultural Jew
4. As to accountability partners, do you guys see men that go to your church or know your wife? We are fairly new at the church we now attend but there are still many people there that know us both - I KNOW accountability is the only way I will step away from this sin but I also know that it takes a long time to find an accountability partner who I can trust and open up to - I have been involved in men's ministries for many years and know all the games that we (I) play.
5. Not seeing either of the women - today I say of course I agree - the problem is keeping that promise from day to day
Commments?
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RE: Adultery - 7/11/2008 2:47:05 PM
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YZGUY
Posts: 263
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Flash6,
Yes, that is ironic. Though only the Wonderful Counselor is beyond counsel. I'd ask your wife how she would counsel a wife who refuses to have sex with her husband. How woulod she counsel her in lieu of I Cor 7? What issues would the wife have by refusing to have relationshs with the husband? Also, how then would she counsel the husband? It's easy to see the problem's of other couples and not your own problems...to apply wosdom to other people's lives and not your own.
If you cannot find an accountability partner, I'd suggest a pastor in another town or a Christian counselor for yourself. It would be interesting to hear what your wife would say if you say that you need to see a counselor to help you cope with the sexual rejection of your wife. BTW - How does your wife respond when you talk to her about these issues (lack of intimacy)?
An accountability question: Are you viewing pronography or fantasizing about women?
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RE: Adultery - 7/11/2008 3:20:15 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 464
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
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quote:
I'd ask your wife how she would counsel a wife who refuses to have sex with her husband. How woulod she counsel her in lieu of I Cor 7? What issues would the wife have by refusing to have relationshs with the husband? Also, how then would she counsel the husband? It's easy to see the problem's of other couples and not your own problems...to apply wosdom to other people's lives and not your own.
I don't think loaded questions are going to help the situation although they might make a point. Have you and your wife sat down to have a serious conversation about this issue? If so, when and what was the outcome of that conversation? Did you guys ever have a healthy sexual relationship at one point? If so, when did it change and what possible explanation can you offer for the change? There's still a lot of unaswered questions here and it's hard to be helpful under the circumstances.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Adultery - 7/11/2008 4:27:20 PM
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YZGUY
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quote:
quote:
I'd ask your wife how she would counsel a wife who refuses to have sex with her husband. How woulod she counsel her in lieu of I Cor 7? What issues would the wife have by refusing to have relationshs with the husband? Also, how then would she counsel the husband? It's easy to see the problem's of other couples and not your own problems...to apply wosdom to other people's lives and not your own.
I don't think loaded questions are going to help the situation although they might make a point.
As a counselor, I know that if my wife asked me these questions, it would help me see what is going on and take a hard look at my own actions and make positive steps. She may be different, though. In the Scriptures, like when Nathan confronted David about his sins with Bathsheba, he used a story to identify. It just brings it close to home and counseling for her is close to home...You make a good point, though...since we don't know her or how she would respond or what is convicting, it's hard to say what is going to help or hurt - it depends on their relationship and personalities.
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RE: Adultery - 7/14/2008 9:36:38 AM
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flash6
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Thanks very much to both of you guys - I have really turned this over to God these past few days - I am not naive enough to think that its "All Better" - tried that before and Satan just loves it.... Relationship (especially sexual) issues are always two sided but we can only work on ourselves. My wife has lots of sexual issues - its not something she ever really enjoyed and kind of "faked" it until after we were married (we were both Christians but far from our faith...) However, I know that it is my responsibility to be faithful to her, no matter what. This week will not pass without some movement on my part towards accountability. My plan is to get into a men's only life group to try to seek out a guy or a couple of guys interested in true and real accountability and know that God will provide the right guys.
In this area - does your accountability partner know your wives?
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RE: Adultery - 7/14/2008 9:40:57 AM
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flash6
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Two other things I didn't add - yes, pornography has been an ongoing problem for many years - a "safe" release for pent up sexual tension - that too must go if I am to return to a close relationship with God and it has - however, like the adultery, its very easy for me to labor under the "no one knows" mentality when I know full well that God knows and the Holy Spirit will not let me "enjoy" this junk no matter how hard I try.
The other item - telling/confessing to my wife - she has a incredibly unforgiving spirit at times and it would be the end of our marriage without a doubt - while I have technically given her grounds for divorce, that course of action would just be so destructive to us both and since the responsibility for my actions rests on me, "confessing" to her would just make both of us miserable and, knowing myself, would probably give me an excuse to go back to the sinful behavior
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RE: Adultery - 7/14/2008 8:39:51 PM
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YZGUY
Posts: 263
Joined: 3/9/2008
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Flash6,
It's easy to say "Just stop doing these things and everything will get better." For many years, you have used the fantasies, porn, adultery, etc. for release for frustrations. Though these are significant issues, they show your deep desire for intimacy. "Seek and you will find." The goal is not necessarily to stop these behaviors (the fruit), but to change your heart - that intimacy with God will be the goal and the change of fruit will be the result. I think you see all of this and you seem to be pursuing this with your heart (as well as intimacy (being real) with other men). Praise God for the work He has begun in you...He will carry it out to completion.
The reason I asked about the porn was 2 reasons: 1) it can often lead to adultery; and 2) Your wife may know about it, causing her reaction, disgust, etc. with being intimate. Of course, there may be other issues as well (sexually abused, etc.). Does she love you in other ways or is the rejection poured out in other areas of your marriage?
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RE: Adultery - 7/26/2008 6:56:11 PM
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revbob4God
Posts: 592
Joined: 7/25/2008
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quote:
I have a serious issue and I would appreciate PRACTICAL advice. My wife of 15 years is all but frigid - our sex life is practically non-existent. I am 53 years old and still very desirous of a sexual relationship. In the past year, I have had intimate relationships with three different women, not my wife. Two of these are ongoing. As a believer for my entire adult life, I feel terrible that this has happened and beat myself up and pray/fast/ cry out to God to never do it again but after a few days, all of the feeling return. My wife suspects nothing and no one knows - except of course for my heavenly Father who I know I am disappointing and hurting Him every time. There is a recovery type ministry at my church but I don't feel that I would be anonymous but I know I need to be accountable.
Have you honestly sat down with your wife and discussed your relationship? Have you considered there may be health issues or emotional issues your wife may need to have dealt with? Aside from stating the obvious fact that you have engaged in adulterous relationships, I also would advise that besides needing to become squared away with the Lord, you have to make sure you have not contracted some sexual disease or virus that could have very adverse affects on you and your wife as well, as well as the women whom you have had adulterous relationships with.
I suggest you speak with your Preacher about this as soon as possible and begin serious prayer. At some time you will have to inform your wife about your adultery.
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RE: Adultery - 7/28/2008 9:24:19 AM
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revbob4God
Posts: 592
Joined: 7/25/2008
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[/quote]In the past year, I have had intimate relationships with three different women, not my wife. Two of these are ongoing.(quote)
There appears to be a bigger problem than just trying to blame this on your wife, You said you are carrying on not one but two adulterous relationships. This would indicate that something is wrong and there may be more at risk than merely your stated desire for a sexual relationship.
You very salvation is at risk. I reccommend counseling and also that you terminate the two relationships you are having simultaneously. You are not being fair to anyone, especially not yourself.
Reverend Bob
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RE: Adultery - 7/28/2008 9:52:15 AM
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buckifn
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Has your wife had a medical exam to eliminate medical reasons for the problem? If not I would start there. Also, have you had a direct talk about both of your needs in the relationship, including sexual?
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RE: Adultery - 7/28/2008 4:13:09 PM
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revbob4God
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Joined: 7/25/2008
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Absolutely Right, buckfin, and well, honestly and in all fairness to the wife, since shes not in here to weigh in her side of all this, I have been a preacher for many years. I have dealt with this issue before. flash6 had said in an original post
I am 53 years old and still very desirous of a sexual relationshipquote:
Pardon how I did the quote, I am a beginner on the laptop typing phase and my wife has been typing my first sermons on the laptop, so being as this is no place for her, hope you all can bear with me hunting and pecking.
Flash says he is 53. I know that in past issues where I have counseled members who came to me over the years, that particular age brings about an increased desire for this sort of thing, and not that I want to give flash any more ammunition or "excuses" to continue his adulterous behavior, I will say that flash himself may need to see a doctor, because there are hormonal changes when men get older, yes I said older, and this could also be a contributor to flash's need to commit adultery within adultery, which is what he is doing, and there is no excuse for it.
Sorry flash, no warm fuzzies from me, Adultery is one of my least favorites to hear about being broken. In this particular instance flash, you are placing yourself in danger of eternal damnation for committing adultery within adultery, not being honest to your wife, (lying) and depending on whether or not the two other women you are having affairs with are married, that could be a third commandment being broken (coveting thy neighbor's wife, coveting in general), and finally,
There is no easy way to put this, you cannot completely take accountability for your actions until you have the fortitude to make full moral inventory to yourself, your wife, your preacher, and whoever most importantly to God. I suspect you are also worried about the consequences, but always remember, The Wages of sin is death.
Read your bible, pray, and start making this right as soon as possible.
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